[A/N. I might have been neglecting this story a little lately. I felt bad
because I seem to concentrate more on this story than on any other, so I
wrote two chapters for my all other stories the other day and uploaded
them. And then I had something of a silly idea (but then this story is
pretty silly too, so it's fine) to write something called "MY BRUSH WITH A
BASILISK, by Gilderoy Lockhart." I am in the process of writing that story
as I've so far done a few chapters. It will basically tell the events in
the Chamber of Secrets, and leading up to said events, from Lockhart's
point of view. E.g. Lockhart is the hero as always! It probably won't be
more than ten chapters long though, so that's fine, and then I can get back
to writing more of my other stories a bit more often I hope. Although Uni
is back next week so we'll see...Anyway, enjoy this chapter for now!]
Chapter twenty-one: "RSVP Personals."
In the safety of his office Snape opened up the RSVP Personals brochure gingerly. It wasn't the best idea he'd ever heard, but the idea of the girls who would be at the premiere thinking he wasn't single was a good one. On the first page was an outline of the services, and the costs. The gold membership being the most expensive, but also providing the largest range of services, such as access to a database. The cheapest membership allowed for you to just search the ads sent out to you. Snape sighed and pushed his hair out of his face. The premiere was coming up soon, so he had to work quickly. The second, third and fourth page listed a number of ads, both male and female and Snape scanned through them quickly. A lot of it was jargon he didn't understand- what was a n/s, and what was a gsoh? But he didn't have the time to be picky. He picked a couple of ads, and noted the person's number on the bottom of the ad. With a sigh he picked up a piece of parchment and pen and began to draft a standard letter to be sent out to the women he'd picked:
"Dear ,
My name is Professor Severus Snape and I am looking for someone to accompany me to a movie premiere. I do not want a woman who is fat or ugly since I have to be seen in the company of her, so if you are either of these please immediately disregard this letter. You need to have a sense of fun as this movie premiere is bound to be a bit of a laugh.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Severus Snape."
Snape sent the letters off and wondered whether or not he'd get a response before the movie premiere was up. With the brochure still in his hand he left the owlery and started back up towards the school. As he was walking down the corridor he almost bumped into McGonagall.
"What's wrong Severus?" McGonagall asked perceptively.
"Wrong?" Snape repeated. "Nothing. Why?" He moved the hand which was holding the brochure behind his back.
"You look guilty." McGonagall replied with a grin. Her gaze wandered down to where his hand was hidden behind his back.
"I can't imagine why. If you'll excuse me Minerva, I've got things to do." Snape replied, and he hurried off, clutching the brochure even tighter in his hand. He could imagine what would happen if word got out about this. It would be a lot worse than the "Snape Tapes." He'd have to leave the school! Once in his office he destroyed the brochure in the fire. There! Now nobody could find out what he'd done.
FIVE DAYS LATER:
It was getting closer to the time of the movie premiere and Snape hadn't received a single response from the letters he'd sent out. Well he had received one but he didn't think it really counted as all it had said was "You've got to be joking you arrogant pig. No wonder you're going to a dating agency you loser. And for the record I prefer to think of myself as big boned rather than fat." Snape's lip had curled with distaste, as he'd read it; thank god he wasn't going to be meeting that woman. He would have had to curse her no problems.
"Professor Snape!" Someone called excitedly. Snape, recognising the voice, groaned inwardly, and turned slowly around to face them. Professor Herringbone, the muggle studies teacher, stood there, her eyes alight with excitement. "I've been trying to get hold of you for days but I can't seem to pin you down. I assume you're heading to breakfast."
Snape sighed resigned. "Yes, I am." He replied.
"Oh good, I'll sit next to you." She said, and they went into the great hall, Snape wishing that a mini hurricane would magically appear and whisk the teacher at his side off. No such luck.
As they were served Herringbone asked him "What are you doing about the movie premiere?"
"Doing?" Snape repeated confused. He took a sip of his coffee and eyed her warily.
"Datewise?" Herringbone clarified.
"Oh right. I'm going alone." Snape said firmly. That reminded him that he'd had no real responses to his letter and he took a big sip of his coffee unhappily. The girls might end up having a field day after all!
"Well Severus, I was thinking..how would you like me to be your date?" Herringbone asked, fluttering her eyelashes at him.
Snape responded by spitting out his coffee in shock.
"It would purely be as an experiment." Herringbone assured him, seeing he didn't seem too thrilled at the prospect. "I'd love to see how muggles operate in that setting."
"Yes, well.." Snape replied. "I might end up having a date you see Acacia."
"I thought you just said you didn't have one." Herringbone's eyes narrowed in anger.
"Well at the moment I don't..I'm actually waiting on a response by owl hopefully today." Snape explained. He wasn't about to tell her the whole details, better to let her think that it was someone he knew.
"Well with the premiere only being a week away you've not got much time." Herringbone commented. "You might be leaving it a bit late."
"Might be." Snape agreed.
"If nothing comes of it, you know I'm always free." Herringbone assured him.
'I wonder why you're always free you ugly bat.' Snape thought, but he just nodded instead.
When breakfast was over Snape was glad to escape the clutches of Herringbone and get up to his office. He had a spare period and he was going to use it to catch up on some marking he was a bit behind with. When he sat down at his desk a few minutes later he noticed that there were three letters sitting on his desk. His heart skipped a beat: could they be responses from the women from the dating agency? Please, he begged, let at least one of them be half-decent so I can spend an evening with her without killing myself. The first letter made him shake his head:
"Dear Mr. Snape,
I've seen your photos on billboards over town and the idea of going to a premiere with you is certainly attractive. Do you think I could get to meet Mr. Hampton? I've always wanted to be an actress, but it's a hard field to break into. Maybe meeting him could help me-"
The letter was curled up into a ball and thrown across the room before Snape could even finish reading it. The second letter was fine, but it struck Snape as a little boring- he didn't know whether this was the type of person he could have fun at the premiere with. The third one was a little more interesting:
"Dear Mr. Snape,
I have to admit I was a little shocked at your letter. Telling people you won't date them if they're fat or ugly isn't exactly PC is it? On the other hand it shows me that you are a man who knows exactly what they want and that's the sort of person I'd enjoy spending time with. Someone who won't mince words, but at the same time is fun to be with. A movie premiere certainly sounds interesting, it would be an experience to say the least. However I do think it would be good if we met first, just to make sure we like each other all right. Otherwise the night at the premiere could be hell for both of us. I suggest we meet on this Saturday night at a lovely little Italian restaurant I know in Knightsbridge. I've enclosed their flyer so you know how to get there. Say eight o'clock?
Yours sincerely,
Sandra."
Snape put the letter down thoughtfully. She sounded all right for a muggle, and he knew it was getting a little too close to the premiere not to make any decisions. So, with a sigh, he began to write a letter back telling her that he'd see her then. After the owl took it he wondered briefly what he was getting himself into here, but he knew that it was the only way to stop all the girls thinking he was available and bugging him forever. And he didn't have to actually talk to the muggle woman once they were at the movie premiere did he?
Chapter twenty-one: "RSVP Personals."
In the safety of his office Snape opened up the RSVP Personals brochure gingerly. It wasn't the best idea he'd ever heard, but the idea of the girls who would be at the premiere thinking he wasn't single was a good one. On the first page was an outline of the services, and the costs. The gold membership being the most expensive, but also providing the largest range of services, such as access to a database. The cheapest membership allowed for you to just search the ads sent out to you. Snape sighed and pushed his hair out of his face. The premiere was coming up soon, so he had to work quickly. The second, third and fourth page listed a number of ads, both male and female and Snape scanned through them quickly. A lot of it was jargon he didn't understand- what was a n/s, and what was a gsoh? But he didn't have the time to be picky. He picked a couple of ads, and noted the person's number on the bottom of the ad. With a sigh he picked up a piece of parchment and pen and began to draft a standard letter to be sent out to the women he'd picked:
"Dear ,
My name is Professor Severus Snape and I am looking for someone to accompany me to a movie premiere. I do not want a woman who is fat or ugly since I have to be seen in the company of her, so if you are either of these please immediately disregard this letter. You need to have a sense of fun as this movie premiere is bound to be a bit of a laugh.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Severus Snape."
Snape sent the letters off and wondered whether or not he'd get a response before the movie premiere was up. With the brochure still in his hand he left the owlery and started back up towards the school. As he was walking down the corridor he almost bumped into McGonagall.
"What's wrong Severus?" McGonagall asked perceptively.
"Wrong?" Snape repeated. "Nothing. Why?" He moved the hand which was holding the brochure behind his back.
"You look guilty." McGonagall replied with a grin. Her gaze wandered down to where his hand was hidden behind his back.
"I can't imagine why. If you'll excuse me Minerva, I've got things to do." Snape replied, and he hurried off, clutching the brochure even tighter in his hand. He could imagine what would happen if word got out about this. It would be a lot worse than the "Snape Tapes." He'd have to leave the school! Once in his office he destroyed the brochure in the fire. There! Now nobody could find out what he'd done.
FIVE DAYS LATER:
It was getting closer to the time of the movie premiere and Snape hadn't received a single response from the letters he'd sent out. Well he had received one but he didn't think it really counted as all it had said was "You've got to be joking you arrogant pig. No wonder you're going to a dating agency you loser. And for the record I prefer to think of myself as big boned rather than fat." Snape's lip had curled with distaste, as he'd read it; thank god he wasn't going to be meeting that woman. He would have had to curse her no problems.
"Professor Snape!" Someone called excitedly. Snape, recognising the voice, groaned inwardly, and turned slowly around to face them. Professor Herringbone, the muggle studies teacher, stood there, her eyes alight with excitement. "I've been trying to get hold of you for days but I can't seem to pin you down. I assume you're heading to breakfast."
Snape sighed resigned. "Yes, I am." He replied.
"Oh good, I'll sit next to you." She said, and they went into the great hall, Snape wishing that a mini hurricane would magically appear and whisk the teacher at his side off. No such luck.
As they were served Herringbone asked him "What are you doing about the movie premiere?"
"Doing?" Snape repeated confused. He took a sip of his coffee and eyed her warily.
"Datewise?" Herringbone clarified.
"Oh right. I'm going alone." Snape said firmly. That reminded him that he'd had no real responses to his letter and he took a big sip of his coffee unhappily. The girls might end up having a field day after all!
"Well Severus, I was thinking..how would you like me to be your date?" Herringbone asked, fluttering her eyelashes at him.
Snape responded by spitting out his coffee in shock.
"It would purely be as an experiment." Herringbone assured him, seeing he didn't seem too thrilled at the prospect. "I'd love to see how muggles operate in that setting."
"Yes, well.." Snape replied. "I might end up having a date you see Acacia."
"I thought you just said you didn't have one." Herringbone's eyes narrowed in anger.
"Well at the moment I don't..I'm actually waiting on a response by owl hopefully today." Snape explained. He wasn't about to tell her the whole details, better to let her think that it was someone he knew.
"Well with the premiere only being a week away you've not got much time." Herringbone commented. "You might be leaving it a bit late."
"Might be." Snape agreed.
"If nothing comes of it, you know I'm always free." Herringbone assured him.
'I wonder why you're always free you ugly bat.' Snape thought, but he just nodded instead.
When breakfast was over Snape was glad to escape the clutches of Herringbone and get up to his office. He had a spare period and he was going to use it to catch up on some marking he was a bit behind with. When he sat down at his desk a few minutes later he noticed that there were three letters sitting on his desk. His heart skipped a beat: could they be responses from the women from the dating agency? Please, he begged, let at least one of them be half-decent so I can spend an evening with her without killing myself. The first letter made him shake his head:
"Dear Mr. Snape,
I've seen your photos on billboards over town and the idea of going to a premiere with you is certainly attractive. Do you think I could get to meet Mr. Hampton? I've always wanted to be an actress, but it's a hard field to break into. Maybe meeting him could help me-"
The letter was curled up into a ball and thrown across the room before Snape could even finish reading it. The second letter was fine, but it struck Snape as a little boring- he didn't know whether this was the type of person he could have fun at the premiere with. The third one was a little more interesting:
"Dear Mr. Snape,
I have to admit I was a little shocked at your letter. Telling people you won't date them if they're fat or ugly isn't exactly PC is it? On the other hand it shows me that you are a man who knows exactly what they want and that's the sort of person I'd enjoy spending time with. Someone who won't mince words, but at the same time is fun to be with. A movie premiere certainly sounds interesting, it would be an experience to say the least. However I do think it would be good if we met first, just to make sure we like each other all right. Otherwise the night at the premiere could be hell for both of us. I suggest we meet on this Saturday night at a lovely little Italian restaurant I know in Knightsbridge. I've enclosed their flyer so you know how to get there. Say eight o'clock?
Yours sincerely,
Sandra."
Snape put the letter down thoughtfully. She sounded all right for a muggle, and he knew it was getting a little too close to the premiere not to make any decisions. So, with a sigh, he began to write a letter back telling her that he'd see her then. After the owl took it he wondered briefly what he was getting himself into here, but he knew that it was the only way to stop all the girls thinking he was available and bugging him forever. And he didn't have to actually talk to the muggle woman once they were at the movie premiere did he?