I've never ever thought about why a sinner like me with more than slightly questionable morals was reborn. Nor why I was reborn into a world that I once thought of as what family and friendship should be about even if I didn't like some aspects of it.

I mean sure the thought has crossed my mind many times before, most commonly when I was no more than an infant where my thoughts where the only real thing I had.

In my last life when I thought of reincarnation my only thought was that it was nothing more than a wishful fantasy made by delusional people who hoped for something after death so they wouldn't have to be afraid.

I still think that.

When I said, I was once and depending who you ask still am an assassin/information broker It wasn't because I had a terrible past that led me into the dark underworld of society. I wasn't born into the life I chose to live it was simply because I was bored.

That's right I was bored! So, so bored of the day in and day out mind rotting boring routine of get up do this do that sleep and repeat.

I won't say how I came to become a serial killer and an Info broker for hire since it just happened like all things do.

An accident.

I wasn't born with the morals most people seem to hold and it's obvious that trait bled into this world as well. Now most would say that it depends on a child's environment and in many cases, that's the truth but in my case, it was just because it wasn't how I was wired.

I had a big, loving and supportive family, I wasn't deprived of love or attention and I wasn't bullied, in fact I had lots of 'friends' even if I didn't have a mother…. Well… people I used anyway.

I wouldn't class myself as either a typical psychopath or a sociopath because I do care for and even love people and creatures and wouldn't necessarily want them hurt or even killed but I did have many of those thoughts, and when bored enough even…. Toyed a little with people allowing those thoughts to turn into games I came to love.

Everyone has thoughts on hurting or killing people but they don't go out and do it. it's just our basic and natural instincts that we as humans have suppressed when we evolved to conscious thought.

I was raised, treated and acted like any child should with no signs that I was born with any kind of mental defect and yet as soon as I had the chance to leave my boring life behind and become the person who I grew up to be I took it with no thought or care for those I left behind.

Now when I say I wasn't wired with the morals I mean I was insane, not the noticeable kind of insane like a schizophrenic or someone you would find in an insane asylum I mean the real dangerous kind of insane.

The type of insane where you keep your mind and can hide just who you are behind small smiles and little laughs.

Still wasn't a psycho or sociopath it just meant the part of my brain that told me what was right or wrong was inherently twisted.

Now in this world and as Akira Heartfillia I won't say my brain functions the same way as it did once before.

I won't say it's completely different since that would be a big fat lie but I can say truthfully and with full confidence that it did in fact change.

For instance, even though I killed my own sister Lucy for magic keys and didn't regret it for a single second I was still sad and despondent for months at her death afterword's even if for completely different and selfish reasons to what anybody else thought.

Because of that feeling of sadness for not allowing myself to see what could have been I decided to join Fairy Tail for a few years as well even if I would have preferred to form my own legal but secretly dark guild with my own set of moralistic rules.

I've also tried to become a better person then in my last life by only killing the actual bad guys sparing those who can be used as my toys and to help those lucky few who deserve it whether it be in the spotlight or in the shadows.

I have also come to really and truly treasure the bonds I have forged with my spirits/friends in this world.

At first my reasons for wanting to be a celestial mage certainly wasn't to form such things I had previously thought in my past life as foolish bonds of friendship when I could just use them to play my games but that changed the moment I saw Layla summon a spirit in front of me for the first time.

At first it was simply to be able to use multiple different kinds of magic and have willing toy soldiers I could use that wouldn't think to leave me if I treated them with respect and abide by our contract despite what I first said in the prologue to my new life.

The very moment I saw Layla stand their holding the key to Capricorn out with her hand to the man I now consider an uncle with all the poise, command and more than that power is when I truly wanted to be a celestial mage.

It also wasn't until I saw over the course of a few weeks Layla laugh and interact with her spirits and saw the strong bonds of love they held for each other that I also wanted to have that kind of strong bond to hold onto.

It was a game I wanted to fully play and experience.

It became my obsession and practically sole reason and purpose for living. Sure, I could have made my bond with my actual family cement and grow stronger and joined forces with Lucy but as I said before I am insane.

The fact I know I'm insane proves I'm not insane which makes me insane.

It's such a convoluted game I play, isn't it?

Well that and I am a truly selfish individual and I hated who Lucy once was to me in my past life and who she could have become even if this new world had no actual backing of what I once knew to be true at the time.

The fact was my obsession and silent insanity for wanting to have those future bonds and toys all to myself and subsequent instincts honed from years of killing, underhanded business deals and playing my many games is what inevitably led me to killing Lucy in the first place.

When I was still new to this world my mind had literally no chance to develop and process anything different other than basic needs and my past thoughts so any familial and understanding of those potential bonds that where naturally meant to form between myself and my family was non-existent.

I also had no real Idea I had changed mentally and most importantly emotionally until it was too late to turn back time.

Ever since the day I realized my change in mentality and emotions no matter how big or small I have been in an internal struggle of inwardly and outwardly contradictions.

I wish to kill people and play my many dangerous games yet I also wish to play the games I created by being a 'good girl'

I want to forever hold onto my spirit friends despite my lies and yet I want to give them up to someone more deserving.

I want their love but I expect their hatred of the truth of who I really am. I don't want mortal human friends and yet I still actively search to try and form them.

I hate Jude and yet unlike with Lucy I cannot bring myself to lift a hand against him because of him being my father and the strange and convoluted non-existent strong familial love I have for him that I only ever acknowledged with Layla.

I love playing and winning my games and yet I hate not finding someone who I could willingly lose against.

I want to live and I want to die. I accept and even somewhat enjoy being a boy but I still want to be known as and be a female. I love my looks since I look like a girl and yet I despise them for looking like Layla and Lucy.

I love to pretend to be someone else on jobs and yet I wish people would realize just who the heck I am.

I say I only show my true emotions and self to my spirits and people I trust and yet I'm constantly lying about the things that make up my past and who I am behind a thinly veiled mask of deceit.

Contradictions in human and some sentient beings are perfectly normal but actions speak louder than words and even now I can't seem to figure out the balance or rationality between my thoughts and actions of who I once was and who I am now.

As I've grown up in this world of Earth Land I have come to realize that the outwardly changes that are small in comparison to the big changes that are within myself doesn't change a single thing when you hit the heart of my being.

My being if you ask me has always been on my morality and my twisted sense of right and wrong. Now in my past life I was perfectly content and happy with my own set of moral's, my thoughts feelings and actions all showed that.

It was harmonic.

Now in this world my morals are basically the same only with a few tweaked and created because of new thoughts and feelings. Now to most those changes would be a good thing since it has made my deep howling ever raging silent insanity to settle and calm into a more basic term of what is normal and 'right and wrong' compared to those who are born normal.

It's complete chaos.

I'm out of balance, my center of being has irrevocably changed like gravity has been flipped. Like the sky is now green instead of blue, day is night and night is day. I'm not content and I'm certainly not happy.

What my morals and actions that are more instinct then actual free thought, some if not most of the time say is right and fine contradicts what my emotions are silently begging and screaming for me to hear and see is WRONG.

My feelings of wrongness in my morality and actions have nothing on what they HOWL in my own conscious thought of mind.

My morals and actions say point to what I do and believe is right, my emotions tell me I'm wrong despite it, but my mind says both.

My thoughts are battling for dominance and saying I am both right and wrong in the fiercest battle I have ever faced and I'm still not sure who will win or if I will survive when the battle eventually ends.

The balance I once had was only their when my silent insanity was freely roaming and now that it's finally tame the different factions that made up that balance is waging war to gain more ground.

When I now think if only when truly alone and in the safety of my own subconscious thoughts on why I happened to be reborn and into this world I think I now know the answer.

It could have been a freak accident for all I know but the thought won't leave and it silently digs, creeps and crawls itself only ever deeper into my mind and body until it's no longer a thought but just a plain fact of being.

What that thought is I don't think I'll ever truly say but it's they're all the same and when I think on it for even a split moment in time balance resumes in brilliant harmony before once again descending into utter chaos letting me just know that it's the true reason why this happened to me of all people.

It's a bare and brutally honest basic instinct telling me this and I've long since learned to trust them.

What I can say on the instinctive thought is it's certainly for a reason and whatever that reason is depending on my actual choice when the right time comes to make. Then it will be whether I'll ever once again find the balance within and be truly happy and content.

It will also be the deciding factor of whatever the fates seek to make of me.

It will be such an interesting game to play… I can't wait for that day to come!

It will be so much fun!

Word Count: 2179

This chapter is to show Akira's true feelings and thoughts and why she does one thing only to feel a certain way. Not sure if anyone has been paying attention for those who seem to like this story that Aki is constantly in an emotional turmoil despite the many actions she does anyway despite her emotions.

Also Aki is female in mind despite being in a boy's body, personally I cannot say that I'm portraying her mindset completely right but in this she could and is considered transgender but is more of a naturalist and is only really content with it since she looks more like a girl then a boy anyway even after she went through puberty that I refused to write since well that's something I didn't know how to write and didn't want to offend any transgender or sensitive people reading this.

Only reason I'm pointing this out is because my friend asked me about it since she was confused and this is for anyone else that is as well.

OnepieceZoroOc thanks and apologies for both confusing anyone and for anyone who you know… reads author notes!