I know, I know. This one took a while and I apologize. School is crazy busy, not to mention my sorority stuff. This past week I managed to go on a sisterhood retreat, attend an online journalism conference, train to be a deejay at my university's radio station, and spend far too many hours on math homework. Really - who needs math? Anywho… This update is LONG, maybe even too long, but I wanted to get everyone in there. Let me know what you think!
As always, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to my reviewers!!! Thank you too to the new reviews! 3
Edward POV
During my hundred or so years as a vampire, I had thought being able to hear other's thoughts was the worst thing that could happen to me. Far too many times, I'd heard things I regretted, everything from the escapades Mike Newton thought of concerning Bella to random people on the street, plotting heinous crimes or fretting over dark secrets that would destroy their very essence. I had thought that was as bad as it could get for me, knowing everyone's - save for Bella's - true thoughts, darkest secrets and deepest fears. But I had been wrong. Far, far wrong.
Lying here, helpless, while my venom fought off Victoria's venom was the worst thing that had happened to me, second only to losing Bella. My family was falling apart. Bella was falling apart. I was falling apart. All of this had been my doing, my creation. I needed desperately to open my eyes, to start on the very long road of making things right again. Being unable to do so was tearing me apart.
I had picked Alice's brain the entire time she'd been at my side. Through her mind, I had been able to see Bella. My cold heart broke over and over again. The pain I still felt from my injuries was nothing compared to the guilt coursing through me. I had blocked out anything else she had been thinking that wasn't Bella related for purely selfish reasons. I couldn't deal with the knowledge of any of her other thoughts right now, particularly those concerning Jasper.
I had heard Emmett's observation of her, had listened to Bella trying to pry information out of him. I had heard Esme and Alice's apologies to her. Every time I dropped in on Esme all I heard was the desire to bring her family back together, to help me, to help Bella. It hurt to hear her in so much pain. I hadn't had the courage to listen in on Carlisle or Jasper. I felt a sense of dread over when the time came to face them. I was at a loss for what to say - to anyone really but particularly to them and to Bella.
But I had to come up with something. Alice saw me waking up soon. Thank God. I couldn't take this anymore. I couldn't take smelling Bella, feeling her warm touch, her occasional tears hitting my arm but not being able to physically see her, touch her. I couldn't stand only the second hand looks at how badly I was hurt. I needed to know what I was dealing with and I needed Bella. My door creaked open again.
"Bella?" Carlisle's voice rang out.
"Hi Carlisle," she greeted. She sounded defeated.
"How is he?" I watched Bella shrug through Carlisle's eyes.
"The same I guess," she said. "But I'm not the doctor." I heard Carlisle chuckle.
"Alice says he'll be waking soon. I hope soon is very soon - I haven't come up with a way to feed him and Esme is ready to serve up my head on a platter for being at a loss."
To my relief, Bella actually let out a laugh.
I felt Carlisle prodding me. It hurt a bit but it was nothing I couldn't stand. Until he reached my arm.
"Ah!" I groaned, trying to twist away from the source of pain. Silence filled the air for a long moment.
"He… He…" Bella stuttered.
"He's becoming alert," Carlisle confirmed, the doctor in him instantly taking over at the sound of my groan.
"Edward?" he called out. "Can you hear me?"
I tried to tell him yes. To my delight, a gurgling sound came out. I really was coming out of this!
"Edward, listen to me. Bella is here with you. She's holding your hand. Can you give her hand a squeeze?"
Again, I tried. I was pretty sure I managed something.
"He did it!" I heard Bella's excited voice. "It was weak but it was something!"
"Good," Carlisle appraised. "Very good Edward. You're starting to come around. Are you in pain?"
"Ye…," I groaned, trying to get the whole word out, trying to force my eyes to open.
"I'm sorry son but there isn't much I can do for it. Pain killers won't work on us," Carlisle explained.
"Be…" I moaned. "Bel…"
"I'm here," came Bella's voice. "I'm right here." It was sheer music to my ears.
I tried to squeeze her hand again. I was pretty sure it was a little stronger this time. I desperately fought to open my eyes. They were on the verge, so close. The slightest bit of light peeked through them. I continued to will them to open. Knowing Bella was there wasn't enough anymore. I needed to see her.
"Edward, try to rest," Carlisle directed. Rest? That's all I'd been doing for who knew how long. "You need your strength. Don't try to talk right now."
It was easy for him to tell me not to talk. He wasn't the one who had a million things to say to the people he loved. He wasn't the one who needed to fight to win back the love of his life. He wasn't the one who had the weight of the family on his shoulders.
"I…"
"Edward don't," Bella soothed. "Rest now." I felt her warm hand on my cheek. I tilted my head into it. I didn't want to rest. I wanted to wake up, get up from whatever it was I was lying on. But I decided I'd rest as best I could for the next ten minutes or so, build up some energy to use all at once for my next attempt at opening my eyes and speaking. At least, that was my theory. Another wave of pain washed over me and I audibly groaned.
"It's okay," came Bella's soft voice. Her fingers stroked my check. "It's okay." She was there and that was all I needed to believe 'it' was okay. A sound equivalent to thunder rang out, growing louder, closer.
"I said not yet!" Alice's voice yelled over top of all the noise.
"But he's moving around right? And trying to talk? That's good enough for me!" Emmett boomed back. I felt nervous. It seemed as though my entire family was on their way to my room. I preferred it to be just Bella and maybe Carlisle when I woke up. It was all I thought I could handle.
"Quiet down!" Esme chided. My mom. She could be there too, with Bella and Carlisle.
"Maybe we should let him wake up first…," Rosalie timidly suggested. For once, Rosalie had something right.
"Yes!" Alice agreed. "Let him wake up first! He wants to talk to Bella!" I really loved both of my sisters.
My door burst open.
"Quiet!" Carlisle snapped immediately. "He needs peace and quiet, not a herd of cattle breaking down the door!"
"I tried to tell you…" Alice muttered.
Sorry Edward. I know you want some time with Bella. When you wake up, let them see that you're coherent and then I'll kick them out - or Carlisle will actually. I knew I could count on Alice.
"Is he really coming to?" Esme asked. She was at my side, across from Bella, her thoughts full of nothing but worry. She took my free hand.
"Yes," Carlisle confirmed. "He's been trying to talk and he's been able to squeeze Bella's hand." I squeezed Esme's hand as best I could to comfort her, offer her evidence that Carlisle was right.
"He squeezed my hand!" she exclaimed. "Oh Edward!"
"Mom.." I muttered, pleased that word was solid. If I could only get my eyes to open, then I could see Bella, tell her what I wanted to be the first words from my mouth.
"I'm here sweetheart," Esme's voice cooed. "I'm right here. And so is Bella. And Carlisle, your sisters, your brother. We're all here." They were all there - except Jasper. Guilt twisted my intestines into knots. I was ashamed to admit I was too chicken to search out his mind in the house and hear exactly why he wasn't there.
"Where's Jasper?" Emmett asked as if he were reading my mind.
"In our room, working on yet another model," Alice answered evenly. Edward, I know you have a lot to solve with Bella but when you wake up - in just a few minutes by the way - Jasper needs you too. I think you're the only one who can get through to him.
Bella had tried. I had seen that in Alice's mind. How much it had done, I wasn't sure - again, I had lacked the courage to find out. I chose instead to focus on the fact that I'd be awake soon.
Something similar to dread settled into my bones. I wanted to wake up. I was looking forward to waking up. But I was terrified. Bella was there now but would she take me back? Would she forgive me? Give me a chance to begin the very long road of making things right? And what about my family? Once they saw I was going to be okay, would they forgive me? Could they forgive me? What was I going to say to them? To Bella?
It's going to be fine Edward, Alice thought. It's not going to be easy exactly but it's going to be okay - eventually. She then showed me images of me and my brothers laughing, Bella and I hand in hand, smiling, the entire family - Bella included - sitting in our living room, playing some sort of game.
I wasn't sure if I found Alice's thoughts comforting. Her visions, yes. But it was the 'eventually' part that made me uneasy. I wasn't naïve or vain enough to think an 'I'm sorry' was going to erase the last several months but I would be lying to myself if I didn't hope a few long, heartfelt conversations would settle things.
Without warning, my eyes started blinking. I inhaled sharply, heard Esme gasp and felt Bella tighten her grip on my hand all at once. Slowly, the small sliver of light that had been forcing it's way through the darkness earlier grew brighter, bigger.
I blinked furiously, trying my best to adjust my vision to this sudden brightness. My family was gasping around me, saying things that sounded like cries of relief. I couldn't focus on that now though. I turned my head towards where I thought Bella should be. A dark shape shifted into the bright light. I concentrated on it, willing it to take a shape I could identify, nearly certain it was Bella.
Slowly, she began coming into focus. If anyone needed a definition of a miracle, I could help them. Seeing Bella's face again after months and months of darkness was the very definition of one. My breath caught in my chest as I drank her in.
Her dark brown eyes stared into my black ones, revealing emotions only I would be able to detect. She was relieved, concerned, scared, worried, tired, and, worst of all, hurt. I had to fix that. She was broken and I had to put her back together again. I felt desperation take over.
"Bella…," I croaked, my eyes locked with hers. "Bella…" I drew in a shaky breath and tried to move towards her. Pain overtook me and I cried out.
"Don't move," Bella ordered, gently putting a hand on my chest to steady me. I had to move, I had to be closer to her. But for once, she was stronger than I was and managed to hold me still - without too much effort. I heard Esme say my name but I ignored her. I needed to tell Bella something.
"Bella…"
"Don't try to talk right now," she answered. She ran a hand over my hair. "Rest."
"Bella," I continued anyway. "I… love… you…," I managed between gasps. I watched tears spring to her eyes.
"I love you too," she whispered quietly, her voice breaking. It killed me to see her like this, heavy bags under her eyes, her cheeks sunken from what I had gathered second hand to be a drastic weight loss.
"I love you," I said again, more firmly. "I love you Bella. I love you. I love you. I'm so sorry Bella. I love you…"
"Shh…," she interrupted, again smoothing my hair back, tears falling freely. "You need to rest right now."
"But…" I wanted to protest. I wanted her to let me tell her all the things I had to tell her. I wanted to grovel.
"Edward." It was Carlisle that interrupted this time. I didn't take my eyes off of Bella.
"Edward, listen to Bella. You're very weak and I'd imagine you're in a lot of pain." I'd forgotten about the pain until he mentioned it. It came to the forefront of my mind like a shot. I involuntarily squeezed Bella's hand tightly. Thankfully, I didn't hurt her - I was far from strong enough for that. "I know there is a lot you want to - say - but for now at least, try and stay calm and quiet, get some of your strength back."
"Please Edward," Bella echoed. Her little hand continued to smooth over my hair. I squeezed my eyes shut but quickly reopened them when I realized I couldn't see Bella. I couldn't lose sight of her now, not after all this time. I nodded, already feeling exhausted from my minimal effort at exerting energy.
"Edward?" came Esme's soft voice again. I had to force my eyes to leave Bella but I gripped her hand still tighter as if to let her know I wasn't going anywhere, not again, not without her.
"Mom," I managed, feeling completely spent. The smile that graced her face was worth the extra energy though.
"It's going to be okay sweetheart," she promised me in a very motherly voice. Her eyes glistened almost as if tears were forming in them. I was momentarily glad Bella was the only one in the room who could cry - between her, Esme, Alice and quite possibly Rosalie, I was certain my room would flood if they could all . "It's all going to be okay."
"I'm sorry," I croaked.
"Not now," she dismissed. "Rest now." Carlisle murmured something about letting the others see me. Esme kissed my forehead before moving away from my side to make room for another family member. Bella tried to do the same but I held onto her as though my life depended on her - really, it did. She didn't protest as she settled back into the chair at my side, my hand still gripping hers.
"Hey bro," came Emmett's booming voice. He appeared at my side moments later. "Good to see you in one piece." I half grinned at him and nodded, knowing my later conversation with him would be significantly easier then some of the others I'd have. I'd have to promise him a few rounds on the Wii - and let him win a few. He moved away and Rosalie filled his spot, looking nervous.
"You're okay," she stated. Her intention wasn't to reassure me. It was reassure herself. She surprised me by bending down and kissing my cheek before disappearing from my view. Then Alice appeared.
"About time," she stated, a glint in her eye. I knew she meant that in more than one way - it was about time I woke up and it was about time I was reunited with Bella. She continued gazing at me, having a silent conversation.
Do you want to see how it's going to go? She shifted her eyes quickly to glance at Bella. I thought for a minute. Did I want to know if Bella was going to take me back?
"No," I told her. In case Bella was planning to tell me to go to hell - which I'd hardly blame her if she did - I didn't want to know. I wanted to be able to enjoy the time I had with her right now. Alice nodded.
She leaned down and kissed my cheek as Rosalie had done.
"Patience," she warned in a whispered voice before straightening up. "Okay everyone, get out. Edward wants some time with Bella." I grinned despite the situation. Alice was the tiniest one in the room and quite possibly the scariest.
"But…" Emmett started to protest. Alice opened her mouth to argue.
"Alice is right," Carlisle interjected first. "Edward doesn't need a lot of visitors right now. He needs to rest and regain some of his strength and I'm sure he'd like to spend some time with Bella. You all can come back in a couple of hours." I tightened my grip on Bella's hand even more. There was grumbling but amazingly, everyone complied and left my room, save for Esme who approached my bed - for the first time, it occurred to me to wonder when I'd gotten a bed - and shot Carlisle a look that dared him to tell her to do otherwise.
"Edward, do exactly as Carlisle says, okay?" she half asked, half warned me. "He knows what's best right now." Knows what best… I winced. He had always known what was best. So had Alice. And I had chosen not to listen, ending up where I was now. She kissed my forehead again and left the room. I glanced over at Bella, making sure she was still there even though I had her hand firmly in mine.
"How bad am I?" I asked Carlisle. The words came out strangled and I felt myself fighting to keep from slipping under again.
"Do you know what happened to you?" Carlisle countered, gauging just how much I both remembered and heard while unconscious.
"Victoria attacked. Her venom mixed with mine," I answered, hoping that was enough to explain to him I had heard his explanation of what had happened to me to Bella. Carlisle nodded.
"Victoria bit you multiple times," he informed me. "Your wounds are finally healing though. You'll have scars, some worse than others. I'm afraid it's going to take a few days for them to heal fully though. As long as Victoria's venom is still mixed with yours, all of your healing processes are going to be slow."
I nodded in understanding. I couldn't do much else. The pain I was in seemed to increase. I winced as a particularly sharp pain shot through my body.
"It's okay," came Bella's soothing voice. I squeezed her hand.
"Victoria detached your arm during her attack," Carlisle continued. "It's been reattached though the bones were crushed. It seems to have reattached nicely but your bones are very slowly reforming. That's the source of a lot of your pain and I'm sorry to say you're going to have to put up with that pain for a while yet. I've placed your arm in a sling to make sure everything reforms properly." I nodded again.
"As for the weakness, I'd say you're going to be a little out of it for the next little while. You'll be slipping in and out of consciousness - much like a human would after a trauma like this. Your unconscious states will gradually decline though and you'll be back to normal soon. And finally, I need you to…" he glanced at Bella, "…eat. It's been far too long and that's a reason behind your weakness. Would you be opposed to me bringing you some nourishment in a bit?"
"Don't," I said, also glancing at Bella. I didn't know what Carlisle meant by bringing me nourishment but Bella wasn't going to see me feed and I certainly wasn't letting her out of my sight for something as mundane as eating. I was afraid if I did, she wouldn't come back.
I was thinking along the lines of bringing you, say, elk in a cup - one Bella can't see through, of course. I know you don't want to be away from her right now but you really do need to eat to regain your strength and fight off Victoria's venom faster. Think of Bella's safety as well, Edward.
Naturally, he was right. I did need to eat and not because of how weak I had become but because Bella was here with me, her blood tempting me even now despite my ability to overlook it's draw. If I was careful, I could drink from a cup just as Bella would drink her milk in the mornings.
"Okay," I agreed. Carlisle nodded and approached me. He examined me then, him working with purpose, me cringing from time to time, audibly crying out when he reached my arm. Bella remained completely silent, squeezing my hand now and again.
"All done," Carlisle finally announced. He put a hand on the shoulder of my uninjured arm and locked eyes with me.
You're going to be okay, he assured me silently. Concentrate on getting better right now. We can work everything else out later.
Suddenly I was bursting with the need to tell him how sorry I was, to beg for his forgiveness for all the things I'd said and done, the same desperation I'd felt when I'd told Bella I loved her earlier taking over again.
"I'm sorry dad," I choked out. "So sorry."
I know. Rest now. With a light squeeze of my shoulder, he was gone, finally leaving me alone with Bella.
Fear washed over me. I was alone, with Bella. After months of self-inflicted exile, heartache and pain, I was with her again. And I had no idea where to begin. How to begin. What to say. I was suddenly terrified to look at her now, afraid that I'd be met with resentment, anger, both of which I deserved but wasn't ready to face.
"Do you need anything?" came her soft voice. A force I couldn't understand turned me to look at her. My breath caught in my throat at the sight of my beautiful angel sitting mere feet from me.
"Just you," I answered. My eyelids were growing heavy.
"Edward…"
"I'm sorry Bella - so sorry."
"Later," she soothed, running her hand through my hair once again.
"Lay with me," I asked, closing my eyes and revealing in her touch. I expected her to hesitate and planned to grovel. Her hand slipped out of mine. I didn't open my eyes, unwilling to watch her withdraw. Then, I felt the mattress give as she climbed into bed with me.
"I don't want to hurt you," she muttered, gingerly laying down beside me.
"You can't," I told her truthfully. My eyes still tightly closed, I tentatively put an arm around her. She didn't resist, surprising me when she wiggled in just a little closer. I sighed heavily and used the last bit of strength I had to bury my face in her hair and kiss the top of her head.
"I love you Bella - before, now, and always." Then I had no choice but to succumb to one of the bouts of unconsciousness Carlisle had warned me about, my senses filled with my Bella as she lay by my side.