Let's begin the first round table with multiple answerers ! The first review comes from a Guest. Who wants to answer it ? Chief Blackfur ?
"I'll take it, thank you. I'm not 'Bogo's fangirl' as much as I share is political inclinations, as well as my own reason for having them. As for officer Fangmeyer, I'm not sure she has understood what's going in her head yet. She'll get there eventually, maybe she'll need a nudge from a third party. Officer Wolford, have the mic for the next review."
I take the mic and pass it around to the wolf.
"Thanks. The next review is from wildehopper. I always though children were weird, but I didn't expect that... Anyway, it would seem Nick has a crush, not that me in the story would have any idea about it. And I'll use that hashtag, please and thank you. As for Fang... Yeah, I think I'll go with the gallon of ice cream. I hope she'll talk to me again. Reggie, want the next question ?"
"Yeah."
The mustelid catches the mic Ralph threw him.
"This review is from J Shute Norway. I'm not sure I'd call the last chapter and emotional breather, but you can be sure that compared to this one, it can look that way... Not saying more. And yeah, I hope I'll be able to get involved in the serum's retrieval. I hate staying on the sidelines while others save the day... Long live the resistance, hoping it'll work out."
And now it's time for me to move on to AO3.
Chapter 21 : Art Of Doubt
"You really need to stop doing that."
Judy lifts her gaze from her screen. Her breath is short and her fur is standing on end. "Doing what ?"
"Whatever this is." The fox says pointing at the device in her paws. She's been at it for since they finished eating dinner. So for the last couple of hours. And he know she'll spend a portion of the night doing it too if he doesn't stop her.
It's been the same routine for the last four days, and it's starting to get distressing. It seems the bunny hasn't landed from her adrenalin high since the Koslov episode, and Nick is starting to be worried for her.
"I'm getting better."
The tod rolls his eyes. "You should be relaxing."
"I… I'm relaxed."
Nick squints his eyes in disbelief. When Judy came back from her meal with Bellwether, she still seemed really distressed but brushed it off when he tried to talk to her. And it was right after their brush with death. He knows how to read mammal, and that slight hesitation confirms that she hasn't released the pressure since that event, and she's on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
She's going to implode, she's going to hurt herself. It's getting harder to pretend he doesn't care. It has been since they started really working together, now that he thinks about it. "Wanna talk about it ?"
Judy lifts a perplexed brow. "You want me to actually tell you what's on my mind ?"
"Well…"
"Because last time I checked, you didn't really do friends."
Her tone is snappy, and the fox gives her and indulgent smile.
"So, you do have things on your mind."
The bunny slowly exhales. "I'm fine." She says, before turning her gaze back to her phone.
Nick inwardly groans. Someone's running away from their own feelings. He has too much experience with that, in fact, losing himself in the Wilde Times project after the death of his wife was exactly that.
"Carrots-"
He's starting to get on her nerves. She has enough on her plate with Bellwether, the conspiracy, and… Everything. She doesn't need the fox to stop her from at least putting one of her problems behind her. "You want me to stop watching this ?"
"Yeah."
"Then why don't we get back to the discussion about your bullet wounds ?" She smiles innocently, pointing at his belly. It's low of her, but at least she knows he'll leave her alone now.
"You drive a hard bargain, Carrots."
Nick is turning the idea in his head. He can't lie to himself about the fact that he likes her and wants to get closer to her. And technically opening up would the right way to do so. However, he also knows he shouldn't get close to her, it was never good to anyone, including himself.
The thing is, that story could open a wedge between them, one he isn't sure could ever be crossed. Tell her the story, or not tell her the story… He can't decide what decision to take. So he does the next worst thing.
"Do you really want to know about that ?"
He leaves the decision in her paws.
Judy's eyes widen, she never expected him to actually offer to tell. Unless he's bluffing… But why would he be ? And the truth is, she wants to know. She knows the content of his record, but she has realised by now that it's only one side of his story.
"Yes, Nick. I do."
"Well…" He begins, sitting on his drawer bed. "It's been… Wow, almost ten years now. Don't I feel old..."
It's been a long time coming. Nick doesn't like setting mammals up, but it has to be done. Mad Rick has been loose for too long, he cost too much money to both Koslov and Mr Big, and none of them have realised it.
That he likes killing, and manages to get paid to do so is one thing. That he goes extra-curricular on the week end to satisfy his sadistic impulses is another. Nick probably wouldn't have given two thoughts about it if he had kept doing things on the down low, but he almost got Finnick killed, and put a few bullet holes in the side of his van. He doesn't want to think about the next time he'll go crazy. And Nick doesn't want to think about the next time he'll cross path with Rick's son and see the kid's face swollen.
But he does think about it.
The weasel is a danger and he intends to bring it to a stop. All he has to do was set him up. A drug deal, the right hyenas at the wrong place. Putting all the blame on the weasel.
Easy.
- 1 -
Nick's holding his side and panting. It went wrong. It all went wrong. That mad weasel is after him, and the fox knows he won't stop until he can use his pelt as a rug.
He had been working with the Cacklers from the beginning. It wouldn't surprise him if the weasel had Hyena blood in his ancestry (He'll figure out the genetics later, it's not his primary concern at the moment). The weasel double crossed them, two of Koslov's bear are dead, and the money is gone. Koslov thought it was a simple drug deal, and entrusted everything to him. And he screwed it up.
The fox is glad he thought about capping himself before the hustle, because otherwise he'd simply be twitching like a fish out of the water while the weasel would be emptying the rest of his bullets in his body. He supposes the weasel didn't expect the fox to sock him after being shot.
Nick scrambles madly to his place when he realises that it's a massively stupid idea. Mad Rick knows where he lives. Koslov knows where he lives. They know who his friends are. He's not safe and they aren't either. He needs to leave. He needs to hide. He needs… A disguise.
Before beginning to search his drawers, the fox shoots a quick text to Finnick. The guy needs to know that he has to hide, and he'll find a hiding place for his parents too. And Honey already lives hidden anyway.
Nick finds one of the skirts he uses for one of his scams, as well as a clean shirt and light pink vest and some make up. He quickly bandages his wound and puts the clothes on, before shoving as much stuff as he can in a sport's bag. He takes a dozen second to apply some make-up and messes up a bit, but it'll have to do.
He's barely at the end of the street when he sees a large car stopping in front of his building, a pair of polar bear exiting it. Well, that was close. He keeps walking forward, trying to look as inconspicuous as a fox can be in this city.
He slips into a dark alley and takes out his phone again. He needs to call Mr Big. The guy was as wronged as Koslov by Rick's actions. The fox didn't want to bring both mob bosses into this, mainly because making Koslov look weak in front of his main associate would be the fastest way to a painful death. But that doesn't matter now, his only way out is to try and make things right, and the only voice of reason the polar bear listens to is money's. Henceforth, calling Big and hoping he'll understand.
- 2 -
Nick's sitting on a back alley of sahara square, trying to patch himself up again. Big told him he'd "talk to Koslov". Which means : Stay hidden until I call you back. Going to a hospital with a bullet wounds is a surefire way to get the police involved. On the other paw, he's wearing a skirt, losing blood, and his vision is getting hazy. His options are quickly getting limited.
"Mrs, are you okay ?" Asks a female voice near him. The male fox looks up to see a female of the same species looking at him with a worried expression. She's wearing a tartan dress, a fake leather vest over an expertly torn tank top, and fingerless gloves. Punkishly cute, right up his alley.
"Peachy." He answers, trying to get his voice high pitched enough to sell his disguise.
"You've been shot."
"I've been shot at before." He answers. "Not the first time. You should go before-"
A paw grabs the bandages he's using and secures them tighter above his skirt making him hiss in pain, his collar beeping. "Let's go." She says, pulling him to his feet.
"I don't need-"
"Yes, you need." She declares, taking the tod's bag and swinging it around her shoulder. "I don't live far. You can rest at my place."
"Why are you helping me ?"
"The world is shit. We are both vixen. We need to stick together."
He thinks about protesting, but he doesn't. He doesn't know that vixen, which means whoever is looking for him won't approach her. It's probably his safest bet.
- 3 -
The vixen lives at the sixth level (without a lift) of her building. She half carried the tod on the last couple of level as he could barely stand anymore. Now she's in the bathroom, looking for a first aid kit while Nick pulls up his shirt. And he hesitates.
"Why are you still wearing your shirt." The vixen asks as soon as she's back.
"It's very cold." Nick improvises in a weak voice.
"Blood loss. Of course. Just hold it up." She kneels near him and doesn't insist, instead beginning to shave the fur around the wound. "What's your name ?"
"Marian. You ?"
"Scarlet. What happened to you ?"
"I got shot. By a weasel. The bullet is still inside."
After the fur is shaved, the vixen stops and looks up at the tod. "I… Have never done this before."
Nick bits his lips. He has, but never on himself. "Do you have some vodka ?"
A lot whining and swearing later, Nick manages to get the bullet out of his belly. He's guiding Scarlet's stitching in a daze.
"Done !" She declares.
Nick looks at her work and smirks. "Yup. I'm gonna have a scar."
"You're welcome." She shoots back with the same smile. "You should go take a shower."
"In a couple of minutes." Nick croaks, to which Scarlet nods. He needs at least five minutes after that.
"So, you've been shot before ?" She asks.
"Well, I've been shot "at", before." He grins.
"Wait, you had never done it on yourself ?"
He shakes his head. "Nah. Not on myself. I got a collapsed lung once, though."
"How did you survive that ?"
"Friend of mine had a knife and a pen." Nick can still remembers Finnick's longest string of slurs.
"Do you get injured a lot ? What kind of job do you do ?"
He shrugs dismissively and winces in pain. It pulled on his stitches. "This and that. Whatever I can. Sometimes it goes fine. Sometimes, I get shot at… I think I'm ready to get up."
"Alright. Heave-ho !"
The tod accepts her help to stand up and grabs her paws. He goes to his bag and pulls a few other female clothes he has, mostly stuff bought at the flee market. As she helps him reach the door to the bathroom he stops her. "I'll take care of that on my own."
"Are you sure ?"
Nick nods. "Yeah I'm not… Comfortable with other people seeing me in the nude."
The vixen shoots him a dubious look.
"I promise to call if I need help." He adds, getting her to relents. "Listen, I hate to take advantage from your generosity, but do you have something to eat ? You can take some cash from my… Boyfriend's wallet to cover the cost. It's in my-"
"No, it's fine." The vixen smiles. "Go clean yourself up."
He takes a quick shower, using the vixen's towel to dry himself, and steal some of her make up. He's afraid he'll look too much like a male if he doesn't apply some.
- 4 -
Nick has been staying with Scarlet for about a week now. Manchas has been updating him on Mr Big's behalf on the state of things. Mad Rick has disappeared, the Cacklers are all but gone (iced) and Koslov is still looking for him. It seems the bear thinks the weasel and fox were in cahoots, and it's going to be hard to change his mind. By Nick's experience, it's better to let him cool off, he can never listen to reason when he's angry. In any case, it's not really his problem at the moment.
In the few days the two foxes have lived together, Nick managed to learn quite a bit about Scarlet. She has a brother, Michael, she hasn't seen in a long time. She wants to be an actress or a singer, or both. In fact, he heard her practice her singing in the evening and she's amazing.
She isn't really modest, and has no problem walking around only wearing her underwear, but he managed not to peek. Not even once. Scout's honor.
In his mind, he should have told he was a male since the beginning, but he was a bit too out of it to think clearly. And now, he's in too deep in his lie. It would be too awkward to tell the truth.
Right now he's waiting for her while watching the TV, eating some crisps. He's wearing some of her clothes, the larger ones, because all the ones he has are currently drying.
Suddenly, the front door swings open, and she slams it shut behind her with a scowl.
"Is everything okay ?" Nick asks worriedly.
"It's fine." The vixen answers, throwing her coat on a chair and slumping next to him before grabbing a cap from the bowl she keeps on the table and sliding it in place.
Her tail is twitching and a low snarl is escaping her throat.
"How did the audition go ?"
"I don't want to talk about it." She looks away and Nick can't tell if she's embarrassed or simply too angry.
"Scarlet ?"
The vixen wipes her eyes angrily. "I'm so fucking stupid."
"Why ?"
"Because I had it… And I blew it."
Nick stares at her in incomprehension. "What do you mean ?"
"I… I sung the song… You know, the one I've been practising for the whole week."
The tod nods. "Yeah, I'm sure you blew them away." He says earnestly.
"Funny you chose that expression." She jokes bitterly. "Because… This fucking Sweinstein…"
The tod lifts a brow. The pig is music producer, it shouldn't be surprising that he was at the audition. "What about him ?"
The vixen drops her head forward and slouches her shoulder. The chance she had, any other vixen would have taken it. It was a small price and she could have had everything. But she was too proud. "When I finished singing, he asked to interview me personally."
"That's fantastic !" Nick reacts.
"Yeah, fan-fucking-tastic. He told me I had the right stuff to be a star. All I had to do was one little thing…" She pauses and rubs her eyes.
"Scarlet ?"
"I should have done it." She whines. "It was just… I threw it all away."
"Scarlet, what did he say ?"
The female vulpines draws a deep breath and keeps her eyes locked on the floor as she answers. "He asked me to suck his cock."
"He WHAT ?" Nick's collar zaps the cap he has barely taken down since he started hiding here.
"This fucking pig unbuckled his pants and said 'you know you want to' with his piece of shit smile." She seethes. "He grabbed my shoulder and tried to pull me down and I… I punched him in the face. Oh gosh, I'm so stupid."
"You're not-"
She lifts her gaze and looks at him in anger. "Oh please. I could have made all my problems disappear. I could have had money, fame, a carrier… I just had to…" She shudders, not finishing her sentence.
Seeing her distress, he puts a paw on her shoulder and pulls her in a sideways hug while reflecting on what she said. "I… Probably would have done it." He says truthfully after a few seconds. "I think any other predator would have done it."
"See ? What a-"
"But I don't think you're stupid for having refused. And I think you can be proud about punching that sack of shit in the face."
The vixen smiles sadly and turns, wrapping an arm around him and resting her head on his shoulder.. "You don't have to try to make me feel better."
"I'm not. I mean, I would have sucked a pig's dick if it meant getting everything I ever wanted. But, I got shot because I was doing stupid stuff, I've never had a single honest job in my life, so I'm not really sure I'm the right person to listen to in term of career choices." He smirks. "It simply means you have way more self-respect than I do."
"I'm not sure about 'way', but probably a bit more." She gives him a peck on the cheek. "Thank you, it does make me feel a bit better." She shift a bit and presses herself against the tod. He wraps his arm around her back and smiles. At first, it feels nice. And then he feels the female's proximity trigger a bodily function he'd rather keep hidden.
"Um, Scarlet ?"
"Hm ?"
"You might want to let go."
"Need a hug." She mutters in his neck.
"Scarlet ?" He pushes her a bit and she lets go.
"What ?"
He can't keep lying to her. The hug, living together, it's starting to get really creepy. And after what she told him, the last thing he wants is for her to think he'd take advantage of her. She's fantastic, probably the best vixen he ever met and he probably already blew it by pretending to be a female for so long (and it's kind of killing him inside), and he has to do right by her. She deserves it.
"You know how I don't want you to see me naked, and how I'm really embarrassed and looking away when you walk around with clothes off ?"
"What about it ?"
He draws a deep breath. It might not be the best time, but he owes her the truth. And he'd rather tell her himself than let her discover it by accident.
"I'm a male."
The vixen's gaze turns into a glare. The tod shrinks.
"I didn't mean to lie, but you brought me to your home because you thought I was a vixen, and I really needed help. And then, later, when I tried to tell you, it felt like it was too late. I really don't want to be a creep especially now, after the Sweinstein thing. And I swear I wasn't trying to take advantage, but you looked like you needed a hug. And then it got a bit too huggy, and-"
The female fox can't hold it anymore and lets a giggle escape. "I knew you were a male."
"Since when ?" He asks, surprised.
"I started to get suspicious with the shower thing. Then I snooped into your stuff while you were sleeping. It was easy to figure out, you look way too much like the photo on you 'boyfriend's' ID card."
"And you let me walk around in a skirt for a week ?"
"Sure. It was hilarious." She smirks.
The tod chuckles and then falls into hysterical laughter, quickly followed by the vixen. Their collar zap into the cap they always wear when inside the vixen's home.
"Oh gosh. You're evil." He says between two ragged breath while holding his wounds. Laughing is pulling on the stitches, but it does nothing to calm him.
"You wouldn't believe how funny it was to see you blush when I was getting out of the bathroom without anything on."
"Frankly, it was torture." The tod huffs with the corner of a grin, while taking the skirt off. "Now I'll get rid of this thing."
"But you look so good in it !" She protests, still smirking.
"I know I do, but I think I look better with pants."
- 5 -
"Are you sure this is a good idea ?"
Nick is putting his eternal lucky shirt on (one of the three, actually, since his father did several of them), and is combing the fur of his tail to make it look presentable. If he's going to die, he'd rather do it looking good. "I think it's a massively stupid idea. I simply don't have a better one." He grins.
"You could keep hiding here." She states.
"For how long ? It was risky enough to send you go find the cash I keep hidden, and I don't have much anymore. Soon I'll be freeloading. And I can't spend my life cooped up in your apartment."
"Is it that horrible ?" She asks cheekily.
No it's not. It's fantastic. Probably the best two weeks of his life, actually. He spends his days sleeping, watching TV or playing video games when she's working. They sometimes get out with him in disguise, to have a "girls night out", drinking cherry daiquiris. She's teaching him to sing and they make a rather great duo. They tested it out at the Wormtail, the bar she works in. She taught him to modulate his voice better to make it more feminine too. The only downside is that he's falling in love, and he's bound to slip up. And if that happens, he'd rather not have to stay here after things go to shit. "You snore." He smirks, before his face is hit by a pillow.
"I do not."
"Does too."
"Well, you drool on my sofa."
"I do not."
"Does too." She winks.
"All the more reason to go then." Nick shrugs. "It'll go fine. Worst case scenario, you get to keep the money I have left. That's not such a bad bargain." He adds, stepping toward the door.
"Worst case scenario, you die, you moron." She retorts, following him.
"That was implied, yes."
He opens the door and is about to step out, when a paw comes to rest on his shoulder, stopping him. The tod turns around.
"You better not die." She whispers with a sad smile, before giving him a short kiss on the lips. Too stunned to answer, the fox is pushed back and the door closes on him.
What the heck just happened ?
- 6 -
"You ready, Kolya ?" The heavily accented voice of the polar bear asks.
Nick gives him his best sly smile, hiding the worry rather easily. "Born ready."
The bear socks him in the face and the fox stumbles back. "You're gonna have to do better than that." He grins, spitting some blood as he gets back up on his feet. The polar bear slaps him, and he feels a claw scratch him right under the eye. It's enough to make him bleed, but there probably won't be a scar.
"Okay, okay I got it !" The fox coughs, holding up a paw as Koslov lifts his own to hit him again. "Shit, I lost it."
The third punch sends him reeling back.
"You like your theatrics too much. Is gonna play trick to you someday." The polar bear huffs.
Nick can already feel his right eye and lower lip swell up. The polar bear puts him back on his feet. "Thanks, Vanya."
"This is stupid idea." The polar bear states.
Nick grins, showing teeth covered in blood from his split lips. The beating will look real. Enough to sell the act to the weasel. "Don't lie, you enjoyed punching me in the face."
"I hold back." Answers the polar bear with a half smirk.
"I know you did. Otherwise, I wouldn't have a face anymore. Alright, let's go."
- 7 -
Nick is cuffed to a chair in a large empty hangar. As he hears Mad Rick's light steps approaching, he's starting to rethink the plan. He's glad that he was able to explain everything to Koslov. From the danger Mad Rick was putting his organization in, to the fact that he was working with the Cacklers (his direct competition until their demise). He apologized for using the bear's money as bait to get rid of the weasel, and not having talked to him about it before. And the bear kind of forgave him.
He knows it's "kind of" because otherwise, he'd have been more reticent to the fox's plan. But when Nick proposed to use himself as bait to bring Rick out of hiding, the polar bear didn't hesitate for a second.
The deal is simple : Nick for the money the weasel took off with. He brings it back and can do whatever he wants with the fox. That, of course, is only on paper. What's going to happen is that as soon as Ivan will have the money, he'll send a team of his best bears to follow the tracker in Nick's tie to take care of the weasel. That's probably the worst part of his plan, trusting the weasel not to double cross Koslov and actually give the money back. And trusting Koslov to make good on his promise. Because, as Rick said, he'd get Nick eventually, while the money he'll have spent won't ever be retrieved by Koslov. They have to believe the mustelid cares more about his revenge than about his money. And until know, that bet seems to be paying.
"Well, well, well. What have we here ?" Comes Rick's sharp and raspy voice as he steps into the light in front of the bound fox. "I can't believe the fatass didn't lie. The great Nicholas Wilde all wrapped up for me to enjoy."
The tod keeps his head bowed and exhales slowly, spitting some blood and shooting a hard glare to the weasel. "You're the one that dragged me here. I hope I was worth the money."
"Every last cent. Minus the couple thousands I kept for myself of course."
He's only a few feet away from Nick, and his eyes look around the empty place. They are alone, there are no corners to hide. The weasel chose to bring Nick here because he knows he'll hear it coming if someone tries to get in. He's paranoid (or lucid) enough to know that Koslov might not have forgiven him for taking off with his money, but he was able to persuade the stupid bear that it was all Nick's fault that he did. After all, what was he supposed to do ? Let it lie there ? Besides, the fox is all bloody and beaten up, so the ursine probably has a grudge against him.
The weasel tugs on Nick's cuff, checking that they are truly closed and keeping him from fleeing. With a satisfied chuckle he steps back in front of him and crouches to look into the eyes the fox keeps focused on the floor. "How is your wound treating you ? I know I didn't miss my shot."
"S'fine." Nick answers.
Rick move forward and taps the area of Nick's wound. It hurts a bit, but not that much. "I don't like to buy used up stuff, but this fox seems in mint condition." He states, tapping his cheek reflectively with the barrel of his gun. "Then again, I like to pick up my work in the state I left it."
The gun's detonation make Nick's ears ring, as pain pierces his belly. Only the quarter of a second after, his collar zaps him.
"Fuck !" Nick curses. "You had to fucking shoot me there again, you goddam piece of scat."
"Tut-tut-tut. Language, foxy." The weasel cackles, as he puts his gun back in its holster. "You kiss your mom with that mouth ?"
"No, yours."
The weasel's cackling laugh fills the hangar again. It's a fake laugh of course, Nick doubts his collar would remain green otherwise.
"Oh you still have a mouth on you. I'll take pleasure in taking its fangs out of it. One. By. One. Maybe I'll make a nice little necklace out of them for my little girl…"
All Nick can hope is that Koslov will hold his end of the bargain, because Rick is mad enough to do what he says. And keep him alive as he does.
"What, nothing to say ?"
"Nope."
"I'll make you sing, then."
The weasel's thumb presses on Nick's wound and his scream of pain turns into a scoff when his collar shocks him.
"What a beautiful voice you have."
"You're crazy." Nick groans.
"What ?"
"You're off the fucking rocker. You're a lunatic, a nut-job."
Rick chuckles. "They do call me Mad Rick."
"They do. Hey, do you want to know why ?"
"Why they call me Mad Rick ? I know why." The mustelid grins. "And you're about to get intimate with the reason."
"No. Why I did what I did."
Rick squints his eyes. He knows when a mammal is trying to buy some time. Then again, they have all the time in the world, so he'll humour the vulpine. "Sure, tell me why you tried to double cross Koslov."
Nick smirk, he just hooked the weasel. Now to reel it as slowly as he can to drag it on. As long as he keeps talking, he'll stay alive. "I didn't try to double cross Koslov."
"Oh, now I'm interested. What were you trying to do then ?"
"I tried to double cross you."
The mustelid snorts. Yeah, right. Then his eyes meet Nicks and he falls into real laughter, ignoring the shock his collar punishes him with. "Me ? Why ? Was it a challenge ? You're even crazier than I thought you were. Hell, you're crazier than I am !"
"Well, it was badly formulated. I didn't try to double cross you. I tried to frame you and get you killed. But it sounded nicer, didn't it ? But now it begs another question…" he trails off.
"Yes, it does, Nicky. Why did you try to get me killed ?"
"Guess."
A thumb presses Nick's wound again.
"I'm not in the mood to play games."
"Well, I am." The tod articulates though the pain. "And let me tell you-"
A paw grabs his snout, forcing his mouth shut. "Shush. Is that an engine ?"
The next couple of seconds is a blur. A crudely armored van destroys the side of the hangar, and a flashbang detonates, blinding both small predators. Gunshots are heard before silence falls again.
- 8 -
"Honey, I'm home." Nick grins, holding his side with one paw, while he keeps balance with the other, holding himself to the frame of Scarlet's door.
She scans him from head to toe and sighs. "You got shot again."
"I didn't do it on purpose. And I stitched myself before leaving this time." He grins.
"Couldn't you have someone else do it for you ?" She asks.
"I wasn't about to let polar bear butcher the job. I swear you gotta do everything for these big lugs."
The vixen giggles and helps him in. "I'm glad you came back."
"You told me, better not to die." He grins.
She smiles and brushes the fur behind his left ear. "You better kiss me…"
As the fox finishes his story, his eyes focus back on the bunny in front of him. He can feel the intensity of her gaze on him.
"So that's how you met your wife ?"
"Yup."
She lets a few seconds pass, before the next few words slowly fall out of her mouth.
"And you arranged for a mammal to be killed."
Nick sighs. He can hear hints of disappointment. Well, he expected her to take that out of the story. He intended her to, really. "Yeah. I did. He was a real monster but I did."
Nick feels like something just stabbed him in the chest as her gaze slips away from him. Her expression turns to reflective, and he can foresee what's going to happen next. She's going to look at him in disgust and the fear. She's probably going to take out the frustration and emotional turmoil she built on in the past few days on him. It's going to hurt, but it's better for both of them.
The bunny doesn't know what to think. This isn't innocuous. He partook in premeditated murder. He planned it. Buf if what he told her is true, it's not as if the mustelid didn't need to be stopped. "Do you regret it ?"
"I do regret that Reggie and his sister had to grow up without a father. But growing up with that one would have been worse. I don't regret that he died."
"So you do feel bad about it ?"
She sees his feature close for a couple of seconds. He considers lying, it could be just the push she needs to finally understand that she shouldn't trust him. But he doesn't lie. Like another female he met before, she deserves the truth.
"I… Do. He was a work partner for some time, and I wish there had been another solution to the problem he was. We could have arranged to have him framed and delivered to the police, but he'd have gotten out eventually. I have no illusion about what I did. What I am."
"What do you mean by 'he was a real monster' exactly ?"
She keeps inquiring further and further, and he keeps humouring her. They're going to reach a dead end at some point, and that's when shit is going hit the fan.
"I've seen him kill and torture others without his collar even blinking. I've been on the receiving end, even if only shortly. I've seen him do… I couldn't describe it to you. I can give you the name of the victims so you can check it out by yourself, but I don't think you should."
"It was that horrible ?"
The fox chuckles darkly. "I still have nightmares."
As a cop, as a morally sound mammal, Judy should condemn what the fox did. She is, on some level, but she believes him. She believes that Rick was a horrible mammal, not only because he's telling her, but also because the fox knows she could easily check. And she knows Nick isn't a bad mammal. He did some questionable things, but she has seen how he acts, what he does. He has a moral code. He really tried to help her on the case, and she sees he does care about more than himself or his own family. He has friends, whatever he says. He tried to save her and Ralph when they were facing Koslov, even though he could have acted as if he had been pressured into helping them quite easily.
But if this all might be forgiveable, something else might be less so.
"What about Howlowitz ?"
Nick freezes.
That sudden change of topic… He didn't anticipate. But he can see how she would link them.
As much as he can justify Rick's death, the wolf officer is another story. It was pure revenge. If he tells her, there are big chances she'll stop trusting him, and he has to remind himself it would be a good thing. He's a fox criminal, this bunny should not be trusting him in the first place. And being close to him has never been good to anyone.
Why he has to convince himself of it again is beyond him, but once again, truth is still the right course of action. A slightly tweaked version of it, of course.
"I killed him." Nick states evenly.
He can hear that Judy stopped breathing and see her stunned expression. "You didn't." She whispers.
"Yes, I did."
"No. I can't believe you'd bash another mammal's head in with a baseball bat before burning his corpse to cover the tracks."
"He killed my wife, Judy."
Lifting herself from her futon, she walks toward him, stopping in front of his bed. "Look at me in the eyes and tell me you killed him."
His gaze meet hers. Only a few days ago it would have been so easy to lie to her face. Now, he's not sure he still can. "I wasn't the one that dealt the death blow. But it's as if."
"Who did ?"
Nick gives her a tired smile. "I'm not telling you that."
"So you know who did it."
The tod snorts. "I hope I would. I was the one who planned it."
"You… You planned the murder of two mammals ?"
He nods again. "In total, yes."
"You wanted to avenge your wife."
"Yes."
"Then why not kill him yourself ? I mean, I'm glad you didn't, but why ?"
"Because the mammal that helped me kept me from doing it. It was their condition. Their helps against not dirtying my paws. Honestly, I wish they didn't, but I didn't have any other option." He says with a sort of nervous laugh.
"You find it funny ?"
The red vulpine shrugs. "The only reason why I'm not really a murderer is because a friend wouldn't let me be one. My paws are clean because someone thought I was above dirtying them. Frankly, I don't know why so many mammal think I'm better than I actually am."
"I think he wanted to preserve you." Judy states, living aside the part where she thinks he's better than he thinks, even with blood on his paws.
"I never said they were a he."
It's Judy's turn to snort. "I know Finnick did it. He was ready to put a bat to the face of one of the two most dangerous mob bosses in the city, I believe he'd go as far as to help you get revenge on the death of your wife… I'm not as stupid as you think I am."
"I don't think you're stupid." He says, giving her a half-smile which she replicates.
"So you never killed anyone."
"Not directly. Maybe I'm too much of a coward for that."
"I don't think you're a coward either."
"Then what do you think I am ?"
Truth time. That will let him know where they stand, and what direction to take from there.
The bunny stares at him intensely and he feels a bit naked as she answers him. "I think you're someone that has had a hard life and a lot of difficult choices to make. You've been in horrible situations that you got out of with scars that haven't all healed. You take things way more personally than you want to admit. And even though you are a hustler and a con-mammal, you always try to make the right choice when the chips are down."
"To make the right choice…" He snorts derisively. "Might I remind you that I left corpses behind me ?"
It's true, and she can't condone that. But she can't judge his life through her own experience either. She isn't a predator, she managed to get her dream job, and her life mostly went without a hitch until now. She now realises that she can't say he is a good mammal, on the other paw, he was never really given the chance to be one. "I know… And I honestly don't know what to think about it. A few days ago, I would have tried to put you behind bars for it… Now, I'm not so sure it's the right thing to do."
Not good. So not good.
"Not the right… Are you hearing yourself ? I had no obligation to go after Howlowitz and I did. I liked to watch him die, I was glad that he pleaded for his life ! It wasn't justice, it was revenge. Nothing else. I didn't want to see him spend his life behind bars, I wanted him to suffer for what he did to Scarlet !"
It feels like there are two version of himself fighting inside his mind. The one trying to keep her away, and the one that wants to bring her closer. He can't tell which one's winning, and the one he's rooting for isn't the pragmatic one.
"And did it make it all better ?"
Nick falls mute. Why does that bunny has to ask all the right questions ? And why isn't she taking the hint ?
Any other mammal would just have given up by now, but it seems this bunny doesn't know how to. She's something else, something new that stirs old feelings that should stay buried. That's why he tries to push her away, he realises.
Scarlet might have been his reason to try and make something out of his life, but the one that made him believe he could be a better mammal isn't her. She's giving him hope again, and it feels like betraying Scarlet's memory to admit that to himself.
The fox rubs his eyes while thinking about his answer to her question. Killing Howlowitz didn't help. It was useless, and he knows his dead wife wouldn't have approved of what he did. She wouldn't have wanted him to go on this path. It's just another splatter of blood in his history and it doesn't really change anything. He sometimes wishes he had killed the wolf himself, but only because of the senseless hope that it would have filled the hole his wife's murder had created in him. But mostly, he wishes he hadn't, if only because it wouldn't have pulled the ZPD's attention to him. And he knows it's not really a good reason.
"It didn't."
"Then deep down-"
"There's no deep down !" The fox cuts her. "There's just what we do. You can regret your choices all you want, what matter is what happened, okay ? Stop trying to tell me I'm better than I really am. Who are you trying to convince ? Me or you ?"
The way she looks at him makes him want to apologize. He delivered the equivalent of an undeserved slap to her face, and he isn't too proud about it, but at least now she'll back down. She'll be safe. Then he sees a shift in her gaze, sadness and resolve.
"No. You can't just brush of what you told me in the car trunk like that. You might have been a criminal, you might have done horrible things, but you changed. I know it."
"Judy-"
He can't even protest. He has enough perspective to know that the five years he spent in prison trasnformed him. Seeing his kids only through a glass changed him. He'd never repeat the mistake that put him there.
"There might not be a deep down, but context and motivation aren't worthless ! And even if you're only the result of your own actions, then you've already shown how different you are thanks to them. Don't tell me you only helped me because of the recording, or because it might help predators as a whole, I won't believe it. You told me you wanted to be better and you are proving it ! You tried to convince Koslov to spare us. You're giving me shelter, even though I owe you way more than you owe me !"
"So you don't care that I cheated ? That I lied ? That committed crimes or had others killed ?"
"Of course I do ! It's part of who you are !" She retorts. "And I see it eating at you. Because it is, isn't it ?"
Of course it is. He wishes it was only because it led him to be cut off from his children, but there's still that small ember of guilt burning inside him. An ember he'll always deny being a roaring fire.
"I've lived a sheltered life compared to you. I had never needed or even thought to do half of what you did in your life, but… You've been dealt an unfair paw. Nothing in your life was how it should have been. You think I'm just turning a blind eye, but I'm not. I'm looking past the bad you did to look at the good. At what good things your did and are still trying to do. Because you're actually trying, and it's more than most !"
"But it shouldn't be enough for you trust me ! I lied to you, I cheated-"
And the way she looks at him, he knows she doesn't care. Or more precisely, she has already forgiven him.
"You're wrong to trust me. Sooner or later, I'll do something stupid, I'll betray your trust, I'll hurt you ! You need to understand, Judy, you're wrong about me !"
"Everything is wrong ! Everything I believed in is, don't you get it ?" She retorts. "I thought there was good and bad, and that the ZPD was good and the criminals were bad. And then we cops aren't all good, and the criminals aren't all bad. In fact they might be trying to fix the world more than we are. A world that others than them made to be horrible ! That us, me, the ZPD, City Hall, Ramses Lab, and I don't know who else helped to make horrible ! I thought the system worked, that it was fair ! And it isn't ! I thought anyone could be anything if they tried hard enough, but-" He sees her sobbing, her tears trickling down and it breaks the tod's heart.
"It's just wrong !" She continues. "The world just… doesn't work. The good mammals suffer while the bad ones aren't punished. Predators like you that only want to live and be left in peace are treated like crap by prey, because… Just because ! There's this big conspiracy that aims to keep predators at the bottom of society, or at least away from any kind of power and even if it was known, I'm not sure anyone would even care ! Even between ourselves, being prey or predator we are divided. And if- If you push back, you get punish. And if you don't, you get stepped on ! The world is just… Broken. It's broken, and I can't do anything about it on my own !"
She tries to wipe her eyes but to no avail. She's too far gone for that. "You did horrible things, you did wrong things, I get that, but it was years ago, wasn't it ? You're not the same, you're trying to be better. You tried to help me even though you didn't have to ! I've seen how you acted with me, or Ralph, or Mrs Otterton, or Honey ! You tried to reassure me when we got captured… You tried to save us from Koslov, even though I know you could have just thrown us under the bus to get out of it ! So yes, I trust you. And so what if I'm wrong ? I've always been wrong !""
He's staring at her with a shocked expression, frozen, wishing she would just stop chipping away his resolve to push her away. Because the next strike will be the one to shatter down that wall.
"Everything I've ever believed in is wrong, but I believe in you. I believe in you because you're the only thing that make sense right now ! I believe in you, because I know you're actually trying !"
"Judy-"
"Look at me in the eyes, and tell me this is wrong too."
"I-"
"Tell me I'm wrong !" She shouts, her eyes pleading him to.
Nick moves without thinking, pulling her into a hug. She grabs at his fur, burying her face in it as his tail wraps around her. "I wish you were." He mutters.
"Why's the world so broken ?" She sobs, while he strokes her ears.
"I don't know. I really don't."
This position is really pulling on his back and she isn't about to let go, so he pulls her into his drawer bed. He hopes talking with her will stop leading them on these topics, but in the meantime, he isn't about to leave her alone when she needs comfort. She'll probably get up and get back to sleep on her futon when she'll feel better anyway. And he kicks away the part of him that hopes she won't.