A/N: It was a very emotionally charged episode. I'm still hoping that Sean is actually feigning to work with BC to discover who's the head of the organization. Anyway, I wrote this chapter from Nick's POV. Let's invite ourselves into his head and try to figure out what it felt like for him.
Enjoy
Chapter 21 : "Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o'er wrought heart and bids it break." William Shakespeare, Macbeth
There are several stages of pain, several levels of hurt, several degrees of heartbreak but there's only one adjective to describe the loss of a child: unsupportable.
I am doing something I have to do. I don't expect you to ever understand what I have done, it's the only way to protect my children and I don't expect you to believe this, but I love you
I'm sorry
The words disappear as soon as l breathe the last letter of agony that has burnt my eyes with the acidic meaning behind it. she's gone…and she took my son with her. It took one night to strip me from months of unexpected happiness. How could she do this to me after all we've shared together? I would have protected her and Kelly, I would have done anything for them, but she decided to handle it on her own.
I am doing something I have to do
it's the only way to protect my children
I love you
Those three sentences eco in my throbbing head over and over again. She was forced to do this and I know who's behind this; Black Claw and Renard. I'm going to end this son of a bitch and get my family back.
All the pain and anguish I suppressed for so long after my mother's death, comes back to the surface and adds up to the tremendous hurt I'm feeling right now.
I've lost way too many people during the past few years and I'm not ready to go through this again, this is not going to happen. I am not letting this happen. I grab my cell phone and dial Hank's number. We'll go to Renard's place and get my son and Adalind back. My heart hammers violently against my chest while I'm sent directly to voice mail. I can't wait a minute longer, I need to do something, so I run to my car and head as fast I can to the captain's house, but to my utter disappointment, the house is empty, not a single piece of furniture, not the slightest indication that someone has ever lived here. It's like the house was never inhabited. I try to control my pain the best I can and clear my head. I'll go to Rosalee and Monroe's, they'll know what to do…I need my friends now more than ever because hell I have no idea how to deal with this, my mind is on overdrive and I feel like my limbs are going weaker by the second. I can't wrap my head around it…She's gone, she left me and took my son with her.
"Adalind id gone…she left me and she took Kelly with her" I tell my friends in a frenzy as they open the door.
How could she do this to me?
"She didn't say anything?" Monroe hunches his brows together, clearly surprised and shocked
The words she wrote start pivoting in every direction in my head, I know them by heart, why wouldn't I? they tasted like blood on my tongue
"She left a note, she said that…she didn't have a choice and she had to do this to protect her children" I state angrily, my heart about to jump from my chest
Rosalee walks towards me, pain written all over her face "Oh Nick"
"Renard was pressuring her" Yes, she didn't leave me because she wanted to, I know this, she said she loved me, I know she cared. In a twisted, weird and completely inexplicable way I trust her, she's been there for me when I most needed her and she proved to be more than just an accident in my life, but a…friend? Is it what she represents to me "I mean she said she was afraid he would use Diana to get to her"
"You think she's with Renard?" Monroe wonders skeptically
"I went to his place and it was completely empty" I inform him, remembering how bare the place was when I got there
"Wait, when did she tell you about Renard?" Rosalee asks deep in thought
"A couple of nights ago"
She shakes her head angrily "That's when she came and dropped Kelly with me…she said it was about work and when she came back to pick out Kelly I could tell she was upset about something"
"Do you think it was about Diana?" Monroe scrutinizes his wife
"Meisner told me Diana was with Black Claw" I interject
This takes Monroe aback "How did they find her?"
"I don't know, probably Renard"
"Diana is how to get Adalind, I'll tell you that" What Monroe has just said is absolutely true and I know it. Nothing is more important to Adalind than her children and until tonight, I've always admired her dedication
Rosalee nods in agreement "That's why she left"
No no no, I can't let them do this…I can't let them have my son…I can't let them take the most important things in my life from me, but Monroe stops me from leaving the house, insisting we should have a plan before acting and using my son's safety as a reason to that.
After Nixon assassination, the new candidates for mayor are under high protection, I couldn't go anywhere near Renard. My only option is to seek help with HW, Monroe and Rosalee decide to accompany me on this mission, and I'm thankful for their help, because I can't really think straight right now.
With Black Claw tailing me, I split ways with my friends to get rid of the BC agents first, not risking to expose HW's location. Once we get to our destination, I'm glad to see that the whole team is there, including Eve.
As soon as we make it to their main office, Meisner shows us BC corporate structure. A sort of organigram, with Renard really close to the top. Black claw representatives, alive or dead listed based on their position in the organization. Unfortunately, we still have no idea who's the head of the organization.
Once Juliette finishes stating all the information HW gathered, I can't help but run to her side, eager to know how she guessed something was about to happen with Adalind. I mean she did warn me, but I was far from imagining that I'd go home only to find it empty. A flicker of hope travels down my body and help me put my legs in motion again. Maybe, just maybe, Eve can help me find Adalind and get my son back.
"You said you thought something was happening with Adalind" I say the words out of breath, because the pain contorting my chest is making it hardly possible for me to inhale and exhale properly.
Eve appears like she was expecting my question "Diana was mentally contacting her and I somehow intercepted it, like a….twin telepathy experience"
"Sort of got the wires crossed" Trubel explains
Eve continues, not giving me enough time to process the craziness of what she has just said "Did you have any contact with her?"
Her question produces a burst of anger and angst within me as I proceed to tell her about what happened "Adalind left me" I say the words fast hoping beyond possible that getting them out quickly would make the pain less intense, but in vain, because the look of pity I see on everyone's face makes me realize I probably look like hell, how would I not be? Adalind left ME, she didn't just leave period…she's gone and I'm left behind…One night, one single night was enough to take everything from me "She took Kelly with her" my heart cracks open as I say those last words.
Is there a greater punishment than losing the very reason you still want to live?
"Do you have any idea where Adalind and Kelly are?" Meisner's hard eyes tell me he's really unhappy about tonight, I've always sensed he felt something for Adalind, but right now is not the moment to think of it. I need to get my son back and fast
"My guess is Renard"
Eve scrutinizes me "Your being here means you haven't killed them yet"
"I get it" I'll inflict a very painful death on those bastards and make them regret ever targeting my family
"How do we get Kelly back?" Rosalee wonders
"Not by going after Renard" Meisner states
Trubel shakes her head "Black Claw has gone through a lot of trouble to put him in that position" meaning getting to Sean will prove very difficult" but I'm not backing off, he's just made a major enemy and I'll make sure he regrets painfully his bad decisions.
"They've even created a family for him" Eve adds "Makes him more electable"
That's what it was all about from the beginning, stealing my family and owning it for the sake of becoming mayor. This whole sick twist tastes like bile and my rage grows even more. I see red around me, I've never wanted to hurt somebody as badly as right now. After all I've gone through, I never thought I'd suffer a greater loss than my mother's death and Juliette's betrayal, but this… tonight is something I can barely describe.
"I need to know where Renard is" I demand, unable to remain still anymore. I need to act, to do something
"Black Claw has him in a highly guarded house in Northeast" Truble informs me, but Meisner seems skeptical about my plan "If you go there, you will not survive"
As if I care…All I want is my son back, risking my life for him sounds like a small sacrifice
"They will expect you to be emotional and they will take advantage of that" Eve's expressionless face reminds me of so many memories from the past. It's not easy to dissociate the woman I've loved for so long, from the woman who set my mother up and tried to kill me and more importantly from the robot like woman standing before me.
"Oh that's easy for you to say" I spit vehemently, unable to contain my rage anymore "It's not your kid"
"No, he's not" she says without blinking. I don't konw why I said that, or what I really expected, maybe I was hoping for a fight, maybe I wanted a way to externalize my anguish, but Eve's answer stops me from going further. I head out the door, not saying a single word.
The emptiness of the house is unbearable, I can't even sit down. I feel like my blood is boiling, this place used to be so lively, so…homey and now it's just the ghost of what it was. It's not a home, if my family is not here…Adalind transformed it in a cozy place to live. When I first moved here, I wanted a place that didn't resemble a home in anything, I didn't want her to imagine anything, yet I was the one who started to feel more and more at home here
It's not the place you live in that makes it a home, it's the people you live with
"Hey" Trubel greets me as she steps out the elevator
"Meisner told you to follow me?" I know he was afraid I might do something stupid out of despair
"He did, but I would have done it anyway…look I want you to know that I'm with you on this, I'm going to help you however I can"
So many images are going through my head, memories of my family time here, beautiful moments spent together and finally the last words I got form her "Adalind left me a note" I start
"What did she say?"
"She said…she had to do what she did"
"You believe her?" she asks
I don't think twice before I nod "Yeah" I hesitate briefly as I add "and she said she loves me" I have never shared this with anybody, that wasn't the first time she confessed her feelings for me and I have never told her how I felt about her because I'm not sure what to call it
"Yeah, well…I knew that" Trubel doesn't look the least surprised "It wasn't hard to tell"
Although I understand Adalind's motivations, because I guess I'd do anything for my son's safety too, I'm extremely angry with her, she should have come to me, she should have asked for my help, she knows I would protect her and Kelly…why didn't she trust me enough?
I bite my jaw to contain my rage "I want my son back"
Trubel runs to my side "Nick, if you want to go right now, I'm with you" she shouts "I've got no problem taking them down…let's do it"
My phone interrupts our conversation, I can't believe my eyes when I see Renard's name on the screen "Yeah" I hiss
"We need to talk" he says in a poised, steady voice
What crap does he want to talk about? As I could give a damn
"Where's my son?" I grip the phone, seconds away from breaking it
"He's safe"
"You're not" and he'd better take my word for that
"Neither are you" he replies "But, we still need to talk face to face…I suggest we meet in neutral ground…My office, one hour"
As crazy as it sounds, I want to hear what he has to say. I instruct Trubel not to follow me and stay at my place instead. The short drive to the precint feels like the longest ride I've ever had. On my way there, I play all possible conversations I might have with him, but none is even close to what he's about to tell me.
I storm in his office, ready for whatever he has to say, my instinct tell me to beat the shit out of him, but my reason tells me to listen "You wanted to talk, talk"
"I'm not your enemy" like hell you're not
I try to cope with this insanity as best I can, I mean the guy has some serious issues if he thinks I'll believe that "You have Adalind and my son, doesn't exactly make you my friend"
"Believe it or not, I know how you feel" Is he seriously trying to create a rapport with me? He does realize I went through the same police program as he did. Negotiation techniques won't work on me, but I let him finish anyway "A couple years ago, I gave my daughter away to your mother because I trusted her and I trusted you"
Ok, I've had enough "You were asked"
"I was asked but I wasn't given much choice"
"I wasn't given any" I state the obvious, getting angrier by the second
Sean seems to realize he's at a disadvantage, because he keeps quiet for a few seconds, before finally saying "Nick, sometimes the only way to protect the ones you love is to let them go"
Breathe in, breathe our. Punching him to death is not going to solve my problems "And sometimes, the only way to protect the ones you love, is to kill the ones who threaten them"
This obviously irritates Sean, because he takes angry steps behind his desk "What did you think? That you could settle down with Adalind and have a normal life" I hate the sound of her name out his mouth, hearing him say it sound blasphemous, given their history, the very idea of them being under the same roof makes me want to throw up "A Grimm and a Hexenbiest"
What does he care? It's my fucking life and he doesn't get to tell me what's right and what's not. If I want to share my life with a Hexenbiest, so be it, but it's my decision to make, not his.
"I know what you're doing…you're working for Black Claw, they killed Dixon so you could take his place, they set you up to be a hero"
Sean points his finger at me "You are one of us"
I've never heard so much bullshit in one single conversation
"Like it or not" he carries on "You're a Grimm, you understand how things really work…our world will be more violent, more primitive but it's the only way for true progress"
At this point, I realize there's no point arguing with him, he's like entranced in this speech, BC managed to convince him and root its ideology in every cell of his brain. It's like trying to talk a member of a cult out of it, this is not something that happens easily.
"They want Grimms with them, not against them" he adds
"Black claw will kill any Wesen who doesn't agree with them, they are murderers"
"We all have blood on our hands Nick" Sean grits his teeth "This is a revolution and revolutions are forged in blood"
"What about all the people who aren't Wesen?"
"That's on us, work with me, together we can keep the bloodshed to a minimum"
There is no way I can do this. Working with a bunch of criminals is not in my agenda. I decide to go straight to the point as I see no reason to continue this unfruitful debate.
"I want my son back"
"If you work with us, you can have anything you want…Nick, this is not a fight that you're going to win"
I shake my head disgustedly "I don't think there are going to be any winners in this one"
As I go back to the loft, I make a very important decision. I take Trubel down the pit and show her where I hid the stick, explaining what it does and how important it is. She's the only other Grimm I know of and right now, she's the person I trust most. I'm going toward a probable death and I need to make sure someone trustworthy has it.
I know perfectly well that my chances to get alive out of this mission are at a minimum, but I don't care if I'm running into the arms of an imminent death, as long as it is a meaningful death. Life, if not shared with the ones you love, is not worth living.
%%%
After a sleepless night, I join my partner at the precint and tell him about the last events. I wasn't sure I wanted to go to work, but Hank mentioned a weird Wesen case. I was far from expecting, though, that it wasn't just a strange case, but a case directly related to us.
The guy broke into Hank's girlfriend's place and stole Hank's phone, then copied its content into his computer, after further investigation, we discovered that not only did the guy work for Black Claw, but so did Hank's girlfriend.
It wasn't a coincidence that she approached Hank once again, after all this time. I was their target from day one.
With Hank's help, we plan a trap for her, a trap in which she fell right away. After that, we decided to leave her with HW. Hank didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore. I can understand his devastation.
Meanwhile, I stay with HW team in the control room, watching live on tv Sean's election as mayor of Portland. Disgust curse through my veins as I watch him walk toward the center of the room to start his speech.
"Now, first I would like to congratulate my opponent, Steven Gallagher on a well fought campaign…I want to thank you all, my supporters, it's time for us to work our differences and work together to make Portland an even greater city than it already is…there are a lot of people that I need to thank tonight, but I would like to begin with the love of my life and the mother of my children, Adalind" the love of his life? The mother of his children? Never in my life had I wanted to kill somebody so badly. Adalind is not his and she's definitely not the mother of his children…I don't want her to be anybody's love….I don't want her to be in anybody's life except for me, but why? Why am I so devastated that she left me? It's not only about Kelly, I want both of them back
"Adalind please, come up and join me"
And there I see Adalind, devastatingly beautiful walking slowly and uncomfortably toward Sean with my son in her arms, the sight of them breaks my heart and reminds me just how much I can't live without my son…without Adalind.
Sean places his arm around Adalind's shoulder while she's holding my son and I know beyond a doubt that I won't back down, this is only the beginning of a war during which I don't mind sacrificing my life, for it is a cause I strongly believe in.
"You are dead" I whisper while my eyes stay glued to the screen