Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.
This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.
Honestly, I am running on empty for gags recently. There might be a slight hold-up after this.
Broadcast 21
The Misty Lady is bobbing at anchor in an inlet at a tropical island. Teague's grandson is nursing a sore rear and torn trousers. Grinning ex-Prison Dog has a piece of fabric in his mouth.
Jean Baptiste: Roses be red, violets be blue. Uncle Jack's dead and soon will you… (chases ex-Prison Dog with axe aloft about the deck)
Teague: Is it the kiddie's poetry hour? (sticks out leg to trip Jean Baptiste so that both boy and axe go flying over the side with a splash.) Methinks not. I never did like poetry. Time for the broadcast, right, doggy?
The dog barks in agreement.
Teague: Greetings all. First, I assure all pirates out there that I will be in time for the meeting. So, Pirate Lords, kindly refrain from killing each other in my absence. Update, Tom. Who's still larking about the high seas instead of trying to beat the stuffing outta each other at the Cove?
Honest Tom: Yes. (tinkers with the wireless set) Update from old Bernie here. We have Senor Villeneuve and Captaine Chevalle fighting a duel at three o'clock. Sumbhajee sending a spitting cobra to Mistress Ching at lunch time. Mistress Ching sending a bomb to Sumbhajee ten minutes later. Ammand the Corsair having another duel with the Gentleman at five o'clock, second one in three days. No sign of Sao Feng yet. Oh, perhaps we should lift that death sentence ye clapped on him…
Teague: Code's the code. I shoot him on sight. Hey, that use of the plank is not in accordance with the Code!
His grandchildren are using the plank as a diving board. Their mother is doing laundry on the quarterdeck.
Willy Raven: Come on, Father. It's a great way for the little ones to have fun. Here, I've ironed your shirt. (hands Teague freshly laundered and starched shirt)
Teague: This ain't pirate-ish at all.
Willy Raven: Come on. Just because you're a pirate, you don't have to look as though you live in a pig sty… Oh, that reminds me, hold Mother while I clean out your cabin… (bustles off after handing her mom's shrunken head to Teague)
Teague: Doggy, chew… (Drops clean shirt for dog to savage) That's so much better… Tom, methinks we should have left her on a sandbar… Where's the rest of the crew?
Honest Tom: In the jolly-boat (peers over the side at a boatful of drunken sailors) being very jolly. Shall we git on with the news and weather report?
Teague: Of course. Listeners, we have reports from our sources that pirate hunter Jamie Norrington has been sent aboard the Flying Dutchman. Meanwhile, the Kraken's bloated carcass has been washed up on a sand bank. Perhaps His Lordship is making it up to Davy Jones by surrendering his pet admiral? Sao Feng has failed to carry out his duty as Pirate Lord. Has he retired, been murdered or mutinied upon? No one knows. However, if ye be the one who now holds his piece of eight, do report to the Cove. Weather report now. Sunny with a stiff northeastly off Florida and high tides in the North Sea. Flooding risk along the Netherland coast and icebergs off Newfoundland. Typhoon season blows in in the Pacific…
Honest Tom: Pirate captains have reported an increased incidence of EITC spies among the crew. We would like to remind all spies that if we catch ye passin' intel back tae Lord Beckett and the EITC…
Behind Teague and Honest Tom, a sneaky spy is at the wireless conveying a secret message to his naval masters. Teague turns and fires pistol at both the wireless set and the inept spy.
Honest Tom: Aye, a bullet 'tween the eyes. That be the fate awaiting ye if ye be lucky. Do call in if ye have any-
Lizzie Swann: Er, we have a bit of problem understanding the directions on this map on how to get out of- Argh! (Jack Sparrow capsizes the Black Pearl having figured it out)
Teague: Tom, I believe the lady's friends have figured it out.
Tia Dalma: Teague, ah got ye boy and Hector 'ere. Ya go git Sao Feng. Need all nine lords and em pieces…
Teague: Listen, ma'am, I don't fetch pirate lords. I am only the Code Keeper. Ye want 'im, go fetch 'im yerself.
Sao Feng: Teague, I loaned a junk to my colleague Hector Barbossa and he wrecks her going over a waterfall. Junks don't come cheap and he says he's not paying. My deal with his baby-faced sidekick doesn't count. A stinkin' knave isn't the same as a junk! I demand restitution for my loss. Oh, and might I interest you in buying a mermaid?
Teague: Knowing ye, this mermaid would be a stuffed monkey nailed to a salted fish-tail. Sao, you have been doing dodgy businesses too long so as to muddle yer senses. Ye're a feared pirate lord, aren't ye? Do what pirate lords do!
Sao Feng: Gosh, you're right. Thanks for the reminder. Men! Prepare to attack… Wait, some gent wants to do business with me? Hold on a sec while I hang up.
Teague: Wait! You are to report to the Cove this instant, do ye hear? Ye pox-ridden scallywag! Hallo?
Honest Tom: Guess he hung up. Wait, we have another call coming…
Othello: Hello, I have been hearing rumours that my wife has been carrying on with my second-in-command during my absence. I love her even if our backgrounds are totally different. Ack, I should have known better than to marry her. Her father was a senator and I'm just a general… She's too young for me and…
Honest Tom: There, there, let's not be misled by idle gossip. Do you have any proof of the lady's affair? Perhaps the whole thing is in your imagination only. Treat yer wife more kindly. No sense upsetting everyone because of-
Teague: Listen, mate. Like my first mate sez, you better git proof before doing anything. Git someone to look into it. If she's been a dutiful wife, you can be happy…
Othello: Right, I'll get Iago to look into it. But, what if the rumour is true?
Teague: Then you may deal with them as ye see fit. Oh, don't forget to silence that Iago chappie if ye don't want the entire city to know about ye being cuckolded. Dead men tell no tales. Wenches these days… nothing like my Jenny Wren, the model of what a pirate-wife should be… (kissing Jenny's head) Wish our Wilhelmina would settle down with a nice pirate…
Willy Raven: Tough one, Father. All the good-looking pirates are hanging at Port Royal, from the gibbet. And I don't settle for second best. (hanging laundry)
Orsino: Greetings, I am a duke in Illyria and I've been courting this fair lady. Every day I send my page over with poetry for her but she rejects my affections. Now I hear that she is smitten with the youth! Help! This is an outrage!
Teague: Between your bad and boring poetry and a lusty handsome youth. Need the lady choose? It's your bad judgement sending the lad over every day.
Captain Hook: Teague, as a fellow captain, I must demand that you rid me of this problem of children pestering me!
Teague: Flying children again? How much rum have you been drinking?
Captain Hook: I'm tied to me own mast and as sober as I'll ever be. And it's not Peter Pan and his flying boys this time! I'm anchored next to ye and we've been boarded by a pack of little girls. Their names are Charity, Mercy, Faith… No, don't stuff that baby gator down me pants, I beg- OW! Argh! (Girlish laughter from amused little tormentors)
Willy Raven: Girls! I said no playtime until the spring-cleaning's done! Free Mister Hook and get back here, this instant, do you hear?
Grumbling girls row back to the Misty Lady, leaving poor Captain Hook still tied up with a baby gator down his pants.
Honest Tom: Capt'n, I have received an update from the cook that some salted meats of dubious origin are finding their way into our pirate rations…
Teague: Are they marked 'Human, product of Pelegosto'? I'm not into long pig…
Honest Tom: Nay, they're listed on the manifest as 'Dried Kraken'.
Teague: Will do. Stick them in with the salted pork and pickled sheep heads. I'm going to take a wee nap. (Yawns and goes into his cabin)
Honest Tom: Well, well, that be all… (phone rings) Er, hello?
Jack Sparrow: Uncle Tom, this may sound mighty ungrateful. My pal risked his life gittin' me outta a nasty place but I think he's 'bout to sell me out to me enemies…
Honest Tom: Tut-tut, Jackie lad. I never took ye for a paranoid-ish type…fer shame! Well, mates. That be all fer the broadcast. Farewell till next time.
Author's Notes:
I'm back to having Shakespearean characters call in for advice. Othello is a character from a play of the same name by the Bard. Orsino is a character from the Twelfth Night. The children are real terrors, aren't they?
That Kraken meat is going to come back and haunt our pirates…