Eight years later…

A constant noise makes me snap my eyes open. I take five seconds to orient myself and I curse quietly. I overslept and that's something I never do; it was my golden rule, never stay and sleep because if you stay, you make a silent promise, a promise I wasn't disposed to fulfill because I wasn't interested.

Sleeping over was something I hadn't done in years and I was not starting right now.

I turn to the left and I see a girl sleeping pleasantly with her auburn hair dispersed in soft waves over the sheets.

Good, is retreat time.

I realize it's her phone that won't stop ringing and I grab it, turning it off, I don't want to risk waking her up. I'm really not in the mood for the "I had a great time but I think it's best if we go in separate ways" talk, mainly because I don't even remember her name.

I've met her at a party I was in last night and her auburn hair and hazel eyes had made my pulse speed up.

I shake my head sitting at the edge of the bed and look around the dark room to find my boxers, it took me a while to get used to the darkness but finally I managed to find them.

I stand up carefully trying to do not wake her up and gather my clothes dressing myself quickly. I grab my cellphone and car keys quietly then my shoes and walk to the door.

– Mmm…Rick? – I froze looking at the bed.

– No, no, Rick never stayed over, this is a dream. – I whisper and she remains closed eyed sleeping deeply again.

I keep making my way to the door and put my shoes on watching the time in my cell.

At least my mother and Alexis should be still sleeping, luckily.

When I get in my car I take the rearview mirror and comb myself a bit, my face reflects someone really tired with bags under my eyes and random creases caused by the passage of time. I lean to the headrest and close my eyes.

I've never thought my life would be like this, that I'd become this person who just seeks for temporary companionship, who just looks to ease the pain in a drifting and repetitive way, the pain of a wrecked soul long ago.

I turn on the engine and my new Ferrari makes a muffled sound, the seats smell like new and I roll down the window, this way the chill air of the morning caresses my tired face.

One of the things that I like about Los Angeles is the colorfulness and the diversity. I've moved here seven years ago because my agent's insistence and because all what New York represented to me at that time, I thought that that was a really good option back then and I couldn't say I regretted it; I've known a bunch of wonderful people and besides, my mother had come with me claiming that "that's just what she needed so that her acting career wouldn't decay"

However, I miss New York, its buildings, its lights and never resting streets.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm ready to go back now.

I look to the vast ocean through the picture window of the hall. Just this majestic view was what made me buy this house years back. It reminded me the view I had from my office at my house in the Hamptons, a house I visit less and less often because it brings me so many memories.

My intention had been to buy a house in Beverly Hills because Gina's recommendation but once somebody talked to me about this house in the middle of Santa Monica Bay; I had fallen hopelessly in love with it. It seemed much more suitable, bigger also, with a lounge with sober colors, four rooms and a terrace.

Alexis adores this house, that's why I know she won't like the news I'll give her soon.

But I need it, I need to come back because lately I feel lost, disoriented and uninspired; and the latter is starting to worry me. Since I moved here to California I didn't feel the way I had written my books was the same. Or maybe I was just losing the magic.

I take the cup of coffee to my mouth.

The truth is I miss New York and its cold winter, to stroll across Central Park in the fall and see how the yellowing trees make the scenery give you the sensation of beauty and wonderful peace.

I want to face the ghosts from the past because eight years are enough and going back to New York and to my life as used to be will prove that.

– Good morning. – I turn and see my mother coming in with her elegant and flamboyant attire.

– Good afternoon, mother. – I reply amused.

I have slept all morning and I had woken up just for the fact my stomach demanded food desperately.

– Long night? – She asks me with a knowing smile.

– You know the publishers parties are like that.

– Right, especially when you end with a pretty girl… – I flash my boyish smile and she squeezes my cheeks. – Have you already talked to Alexis?

– I'm waiting for her coming back from school.

– Oh, kiddo! Are you sure about this? I mean, Alexis and I could… – I start to shake my head.

– I'm not going to separate from my daughter, of course, if you want to stay you can; I'm not selling the house yet.

– No, of course no; I don't want to be away from you either, you are my only family… – Her fingers touch my cheek and leant her face – I just want to be sure you're doing this for the right reasons.

I see her without comprehend

– I don't know what you mean.

– You know exactly what I mean, Richard.

– Do you think I'm going back to New York for…her? – I state surprised.

– You can't even say her name. – She smirks

– What? Sure I can. Kate, Kate, Kate. – I say coming close to the window. – For God sake, mother, It's been eight years. – I look at her – Don't you think that mentioning Kate has nothing to do?

– What I think is you're trying to prove things yourself by going back to New York.

– Maybe – I look at the beach – What's wrong with that? – I look at her again – I miss New York, I miss the way it made me feel, the way its lights and noises gave me this…kind of energy that makes me want to write with all these ideas going around my head. – I sigh – I need noise – I say staring the beach again.

– Hey! Hi! – Alexis comes in with a smile and dressed with her school uniform, a private school of course which is close by the beach and that she loves.

– Hey pumpkin! – She comes and kiss me – How was your History debate?

– I guess fine, Frederick won't feel like saying he liked best that time when women didn't get mixed in the men world. – She tells me with blue bright eyes.

– You kicked his ass?

– Not literally but I did it in the debate.

– That's my girl – I say raising my hand for a high five and she smiles at me.

– Are we going out for dinner tonight? – She asks going to the stairs.

My mother looks at me and I stare her back.

– Alexis, there's something we need to talk about.

My senses were all alert as usual. Observing, testing the waters, sounding out my rival. Of course it's easier when said rival has no idea who I am, but soon he'll know.

– Mr. Hardy? – The man drinking coffee at the table looks at me; his dark eyes make him look tough, as his shaved head.

– Who's asking?

– Kate Beckett. – My hand reaches inside my jacket for my badge – New York Police…

The guy jumps up, letting go the cup and spilling coffee all over the table. I look down and I see some drops have fallen on my new shoes. I grit my jaw and look at the man who keeps running, not too far as his hefty constitution makes him run slow.

The people at the coffee shop turns surprised and I grab my radio.

– Espo, he's going to you guys.

– Copy that. – Is his answer.

I take a napkin and clean my shoes quietly.

– Beckett. – I hear Espo talking – He saw us and is running back to your position.

I run to the street to wait for him and two seconds after I saw him turning around the corner. The moment he sees me, he stops and I smile.

He looks back and sees Espo and Ryan coming closer, he has no way out.

Of course, as expected, he chooses facing me because he thinks he has the advantage, me being a woman.

He doesn't know how wrong he is.

I see how he shouts with fury running towards me. I stand quiet and when he's about to charge against me, I step aside leaving my foot for him to trip.

He falls and his face crashes with the pavement, two seconds later he stands up and tries to hit me but I'm faster and dodge his swing, making him a chokehold taking his arms to his back and putting my knee behind his to make him fall again.

My other hand ends behind his head and his face drags again against the pavement.

– Don't move. – I say through gritted teeth taking my handcuffs out.

Espo and Ryan arrive jogging by my side, smiling.

One with dark skinned and the other one fairer than the milk with blue eyes; I knew them from three years, Espo was an ex-army with an impeccable service and then was Ryan, an Irish guy who came later and was assigned as Javier's partner; both of them were the best in the field and in the investigation work besides of being very loyal.

– You chose the worst option, dude – Espo says amused and I let them take the man away while I dust my clothes.

Just another day at work, I think satisfied walking to my car.

I've joined the police force eight years ago exactly. It has been tough, humiliating sometimes, but finally I managed myself to graduate the Police Academy with honors and I had patrolled the streets of New York for years to later be the youngest female officer to become a homicide detective; and that was my obsession, the reason why I joined the police force, to be a homicide detective because if I had all this experience and resources, my mom's killer won't be still at large.

It has been eight years, eight long years and all the police could get were things which make no sense; like the fact that my father's office was trashed but nothing was stolen, but neither there were signs that it was a premeditated murder.

The first years I've been much more obsessed, I've spent every free second reading again my mother's file, looking for something, anything they overlooked; but there was nothing, nothing to lead me to any path, to something to at least give me the hope and the spirit of being at the right path, but still, I'm at a dead end, my purpose stands firm; I'm going to find my mom's killer no matter what.

I've been in therapy for three years and that helped me understand a lot of things, things I did not see before, like the fact that I can't afford let me consume again for it, because even though my mom deserves justice, my father needs my attention. Since I fight against crime and against the pain in my heart, my father fights against alcohol since my mother's gone and that makes me feel guilty sometimes because by getting in to the academy I've left him behind.

He was sober for almost a year and a half but he relapsed sometimes.

I take my cell out and press his number.

– Hey honey, aren't you at work?

– Yes, hi, just wanted to confirm our dinner date for tonight, seven alright?

– Seven sounds perfect.

– Ok.

– Are you alright?

– Yes

– Are you sure?

– Sure – I smile – How are you?

– Oh you know, drinking coffee, how about you?

– Almost the same. – I say amused looking at the table where the waitress cleans the mess the suspect left behind.

Meals with my father always are pretty peculiar. We talk basically about my job and his, he always mentions how scared he was when I was a rookie and I had to go out patrolling and then he comments that he already got over that fact because he knows how good I am at what I do.

However, the reason for us to eat together once a week is because I know without a doubt, he would relapse. I look at him fondly, I wasn't going to lose him too, not lose him like I lost my mother.

– So… anything worth to tell? – I say taking a bite from my burger, a Remy's burger of course.

– No way, my life is so boring, you know that. – He says smiling – You better tell me something.

– Well today we solved another murder.

– That's great, I love how excited you get when you talk about murders and suspects.

I laugh a little.

– What a liar, I don't get that excited.

– Oh yes – He says watching me fondly – Is the first time that I see you laugh in a long time, Katie.

I sigh staring at my double chicken burger

– Maybe I'm accepting lot of things, dad – I say frowning – Maybe I've grown up or maybe because I know that obsessing again will make me lose you – I take his hand and he leans his head.

– You are not going to lose me, honey. The reason I'm here, sober, is thanks to you. – His hand grabs my fingers with energy – You have to move on with your life, you have to live, to laugh, to enjoy, you're still young.

I smile.

– That's your way to tell me that I have to get married and give you grand children? – He smiles

– Is that what you want?

I look at him and shrug.

– I don't know, I guess not right now

– I just want you to be happy, you have been…we have been sad for too long – He exhales and stretches in his chair – It's time for you to live your life the way it should always be, Kate.

– I live my life the way I've chosen to, dad.

He grimaces.

– And that way makes you happy? – I look at him for several seconds.

– I think happiness is subjective and ephemeral – I shrug – This is what I want, how I want to live.

– Very well then pighead – He says amused.

– Are you going to your meetings?

– Every Tuesday and Thursday. – He nods

– I'm proud of you – I tell him smiling a little.

– No honey, I'm the one who's proud of you.

Going back home is always comforting. Before, I was a person who enjoyed being surrounded by people, now I enjoy more the solitude.

I have bought this apartment right after receiving some payments as a detective. I don't earn big amounts of money but I was able to take a loan from the bank which I have to pay for several more years.

I take off my badge and my gun and I put them in the table as usual.

I leave my jacket in the arm of the sofa and gather my hair in a high ponytail, taking my shoes off then.

I throw myself on the sofa and I take a deep breath.

My days were exhausting and maybe dinner with my father and what he told me, made me sensitive because right now, out of nowhere, as so many times before, I wonder how my life would be if my mother was not murdered and if Castle and I… I shut my eyes and shake my head.

It's not worth to think about it after all this time, I've made a decision, a decision I did not regret.

And probably, he made his life without me, as I did one without him. I knew he moved out to Los Angeles and probably I won't see him ever again, I tell myself and I get up going to the bathroom.

Probably I just need a glass of wine, relaxing music and a bubble bath in my bathtub solitude.

I'm sorry, I got caught up with mid terms and getting my heart broken, sorry!