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Chapter 21
Tobias
Tris cleans up the small dinner we made of left over pizza and chocolate cake. I watch her as she cleans. I think about her, all of it, and know that we are getting to the hard parts. I still don't know how I am going to tell her about the uprising. But, I guess when we get to that part I will mange to find the words. She turns and catches me watching her, a small smile creeps across her lips. It's moments like these, the small moments, when I think she is the most beautiful, when my love for her is the most pure.
She walks over to me and wraps her arms around my waist. "See something you like?" she teases.
I notice there is a small smudge of icing on her lip and lean down close to her. "I sure do," I murmur, before kissing her, sucking the top of her lip, effectively removing the icing. She pulls back and I grin "Mmm. chocolate icing." She slaps me on the arm and rolls her eyes, breaking away from me.
"That's not what I meant." she says, faining annoyance as she takes my hand, leading me back to the couch.
We sit back down and she curls up against me once more. I lay my head against hers, breathing her in, not wanting this small moment to end. We sit there in silence for another minute or two before she grows impatient and goads me to continue.
"Tobias, the story. I did the stupidest thing ever, remember?" she says, true annoyance in her voice this time over how I chose to describe her little field trip.
"Ok, ok. But just know this where it is going to get a little rough. Please keep our promise and fill in any details you have been holding back." I say, looking down at her. She smiles back up at me and places a soft kiss on my lips as her answer to me to keep her promise. I sigh, and then continue yet again, staring out the window at the now darkening city.
"Then you left and went to visit your brother in Erudite. You weren't supposed to leave the compound and Eric was waiting for you when you got back. You told me later that Jeanine Matthews had questioned you while you were there. I imagine that is why Eric was waiting. Jeanine probably tipped him off. I had been watching the trains from the control room the entire time you were gone. When I finally saw you jump, I went to save you from Eric. You lied very convincingly about me rejecting you. He bought it and let you off with a warning. I was so glad that we only had one more day of hiding before we could just be together."
She closes her eyes, and I see them moving under her lids. She is watching something replay in her mind. I wait before I continue, eager to know if she remembers anything of her visit or the confrontation with Eric.
"I remember my brother saying I couldn't visit him there, or I shouldn't have come or something like that. And, I remember Jeanine asking me if I was truly loyal to my new faction, if I would support Dauntless even if it meant betraying Abnegation. I was terrified that she knew I was Divergent or at least suspected. She said something about my results being inconclusive. Then I remember you and I talking. Did we go on the trains that night? Back to Erudite?"
"Yes." I say. She shifts beneath me, and I move so that my legs are stretched out beside hers, so that we are half siting half laying on the couch. "I took you on the train that night to show you that the Erudite compound had lights on all the time, which you know, at the time was illegal. I had been suspicious of them for a while. There had been a lot of strange visitors to our compound, Jeanine among them and I had intercepted more than a few cryptic emails. I was suspicious and wanted your opinion about it, but I also wanted to warn you. I was so scared for you, your Divergence is so strong, I knew it wouldn't take them long to find you no matter what I did. The fact that Jeanine questioned you scared me even more. I thought Eric might kill you before I had the chance to get there."
I take a deep breath remembering the fear I had then, of course it was nothing compared to the fear I had when I almost killed her, or when I had to watch her walk to her execution. I shudder at the thought of the execution, when I thought she really was dead. My chest becomes tight and I take a deep breath to clear it. She takes the opportunity to continue with her own memories, helping me find the words to go on, making me brave, just like always.
"I think you left out some parts of that little train ride. They may just be wishful thinking, good dreams if you will, but I believe we did more than just spy on the Erudite, Eaton."
There is a temptation in her voice and on her face when I look down at it. She kisses me and there is a hungriness to it this time. I kiss her back, running my tongue against her lips, she opens them and we continue to kiss, our tongues battling like swords. I release her mouth and roll over so that I am halfway on top of her. I kiss down her neck and she sighs at my touch. The fear and anxiety the memories have brought to the surface mix with my love and desire for her into to torrent of lust and passion. I need to feel her, to have her close to me. I need us to be one.
She runs her hands up my back and run my hands under her shirt, caressing every curve, sliding along her form like it is a rail guiding my hand over her. My kisses continue to her collar bone and I kiss each raven, pausing on the fourth one. She moans as my hands find her breasts, arching up against me, pressing her heart closer to my lips. I pull back and stare down at her. Beautiful, simply beautiful. She smiles up at me, a look of confusion on her face as to why I stopped. I brush her hair with my hand, supporting my weight with my elbow. Her arms are still wrapped around my neck and she pulls me back to her, indicating that she needs me as much as I need her.
Our kissing turns more passionate, there is still a hunger, but now it is mixed with passion and need. She pulls at my shirt and I press myself to a sitting position to allow her to slide it from me. She reaches down and does the same to her own. I stand and pick her up. She wraps her legs around me as my lips find hers. I walk us into the bedroom and crash to the bed, taking care to make sure that her small, lithe frame lands on top of mine. My hands find her waist and hers do the same with mine. We need this. We need each other. We need to be one or we won't survive the story of us.
Soon she is wrapped in my arms, both of us breathless, our heart-rates beginning to slow. I pull the comforter over our bodies and peck her lips. "I love you Beatrice Grace Prior."
"I love you too, Tobias I don't know your middle name Eaton." she says, laughing at her own joke. I laugh too. I have told her many things, but I guess my middle name wasn't one of them. We can get to the small things later, right now, I have the mountain of our history to climb.
"Well, that was a welcome distraction, I assume that you want me to finish the story now?" I say, more relaxed now than in the beginning.
"I believe you have called me a distraction on more than one occasion." she says.
"Well you are very good at distracting me." I say, with complete honesty. I do tend to forget anything but Tris exists when I am with her.
"The next day was your final test. I was so nervous for you, I knew you would do well, I just hoped you wouldn't manipulate the simulation. I knew when you told me about Jeanine they would be watching you the closest. But, I also didn't want you to completely lose it like you had the day before. I knew that would drop your rank enough to be in jeopardy of being cut. I was a mess. Zeke kept telling me to chill out, I think he even slapped me at one point that morning. But I couldn't. I wanted to hug you and tell you that you were strong and to be brave, but I knew if I even looked at you too long, Eric would notice and know that our little act, was just that, an act. He would find a way to kick you out for sure."
"You worry a lot, you know that?" she says, like it is a random thought that just popped in her head. You have no idea.
"Well, you give me reasons to worry, always rushing off to save people without question or reason, or even a plan. Most of the time unarmed!" I say back, defensively.
"Calm down there killer, it was just on observation." she says laughing, rubbing small circles on my bare chest to comfort me. "And I do have reason. I love those people. I don't just go off saving random people, only the ones I love."
She must not remember walking into Erudite headquarters to sacrifice herself on the behalf of the whole faction, the city really. I know she can't love all of them. I am just about to come back at her with that little detail. But, then it hits me. Stupid. I am so stupid. She didn't do that for the city or to martyr herself, she did it to save me. She did it for the person she loved. I feel a tightness in my throat and cough to clear it.
"Anyway, uh..you got through your fear landscape just fine and then we went to my apartment. We started to you know, uh, kiss and stuff and then you pulled away and started to cry.
She snickers at me. "Kiss and stuff? What are we twelve?"
"Come on Tris, don't make me say it."
"Ok, just continue." she concedes, but she is is still trying to stop herself from giggling at my description.
"Anyway, I thought I had done something wrong, I had never done any of this before. Then, I thought you were beginning to have second thoughts about being with me. That you thought I would become like Marcus if we stayed together. You told me I was in your fear landscape and about your now nonexistent fear of intimacy. But you asked me to take my shirt off in the same conversation, so I don't know how deep that fear really was anyway." I chuckle at the last part.
"That memory is real too I guess," she says, more to herself than me. What has she been dreaming about?
"Excuse me? I didn't quite catch that." I tease, seizing my opportunity to get her back for her comments earlier.
I can feel the blush spread across her cheeks as they warm against my bare skin. "I wanted to see your tattoos, you had seen mine...didn't you say were scared of me too?"
"Terrified, actually. You said you wanted me, and then asked if I was scared of you. I guess because you could feel how fast my heart was beating. In my defense however, you were running your hands over my bare chest. Most guys get a little excited when a hot girl is touching them. So, I told you I was terrified and I was. But, not of being with you, not like that at least."
"Then why? Why did I terrify you?" she asks, but I can tell by the way she looks at me, she already knows the answer. She just wants to hear it. Wants me to admit it to her.
"Because, I had already fallen so hard for you that the thought of you rejecting me, leaving me, terrified me. I had never let anyone in before, never allowed myself to be close to anyone."
She sighs against me and presses her lips to the VI on my heart. I squeeze her tightly against me. She squeezes me back and then gets up to put on some clothes and I do the same. I sit up and lean against the headboard, patting the space beside me. She crawls across the bed so that she is next to me and pulls the comforter up to her waist.
"That night at the banquet is when we kissed in public for the first time. I came to congratulate you after the final rankings and asked if you thought hugging you would give away to much. You pulled me up and kissed me. I thought Christina was going to pass out." Tris lets out a small giggle, pressing her hand over her mouth. I laugh at the sight her, knowing this will be the last giggle from this story for a while.
"She really had no clue. But, not because I was good at hiding it, because she was so wrapped up in Will. Still is. She forgets anything and everything when he is around. Its kind of cute really." she says, smiling at the thought of Christina. Christina and I must have more in common than I thought.
"Do you remember that?" I ask.
"No, but I can imagine the look on her face." she giggles again, "I bet her eyes were about to pop out of her head."
"Something like that," I say. I shift against her uncomfortably knowing what is coming next. She senses my change in mood and her giggles stop, she begins to trace circles on my chest once more.
"After they announced the rankings, Eric came and injected you with what he said was a tracker. The rest of the faction had been injected that morning." Tris eyes grow wide and she presses her hand to her neck, rubbing the spot where the simulation serum had been injected.
"I ...I.." she starts, her hand is shaking when she presses back against my chest, "I was hoping that memory wasn't real either."
"What do you remember, Tris?" I ask tentatively. I don't want to know, but at the same time I need her help to get through this next part.
She presses her body closer to me and I instinctively wrap my arm around her, trying to protect her from the memory. She takes a deep breath and then starts to recall what she remembers. There is nothing that could have prepared me for what she says next.