A/N: Yea! I finished a chapter the day I wanted to. I was looking forward to writing this chapter and am so glad I am finished with it. I hope you like it and I would like to thank everyone for there reviews.

Wednesday. It's Wednesday night. Here I am. Any second now I am going to walk up to that door and knock. Any second…Nope I can't do this. I don't know why I am so afraid; it's just Deadboy. I mentally snorted at that. Yeah, if it's just Deadboy then why don't you prove how brave you are by walking up to the door and knocking?

I took a deep breath and took a step closer to the mansion. The past three days have been hell. Chris' first day of school, shopping, running into the scoobies, Jesse not being here (I can admit it…I have attachment issues; I miss my baby), dealing with the Mayor's whining, planning the assault for Friday, trying to pull Chris out of her 'secret' depression before it gets out of hand, going over possible solutions to my bond problem with Marcus, and researching the Crystal Fire with Chris. It's barley the end of the third day. And now, now I have to talk to Angel.

I can honestly say I would rather face a PMSing slayer. Hell I would rather face a PMSing Chris and that is positively horrifying. Well, the faster I get this over with the faster I can move on. I mean Deadboy can't honestly think that I would take him back and dismiss all my plans (as if that would ever happen). I am way too close to my goals for that kind of behavior.

I am a man dam it! I should be able to face my emotions. Yeah right! It's not manly to talk about my emotions! I flinched when that thought crossed my mind. I remember voicing that opinion once before. If my mother heard me say that again she would have slapped me in the back of my head (oh the pain).

I shook my head clear of all my distracting thoughts. I came here to talk to Angel; not stand outside his house and think about my family. Here's the plan: talk to Angel then go home; it's a simple in and out job. Ok I can do this. I walked up to the mansion and knocked on the door. A few seconds after I knocked the door was pulled open. I am surprised he didn't pull it off the hinges.

Angel was staring back at me with hope and happiness. I don't know why. I said I would come and I did. I haven't promised anything and we haven't worked anything out, so there is no reason for him to be happy. "Xander I didn't think you would come". I looked out at the night sky. The sun went down about ten minutes ago. I looked at my watch just to make sure that I wasn't standing outside of his house longer than that. It's only 6: 45 pm. I look at him questioningly.

"I thought that you might have changed your mind". I looked at him confused. "That's funny, after all I thought that randomly changing your mind without notice was your thing; not mine". I know I said I would try not to fight with him, but come on he knows me better than that. At least he used to. I know I have changed a lot, but I still keep my word to a point; and if I was going to change my mind I would have left a message with Willy to give to him.

"Look let's not start this out with a fight. You wanted to talk so talk". He looked at me with worry. It's not like I can do much to him. At least this time I have holy water on my person. "Don't you want to come in and talk?" No I do not. "Is it really going to take that long?" Deadboy looks upset. Well to bad. I just want to go home and rest. "Xander please". I took a deep breath and sighed. I walked passed Deadboy and waited for him to close the front door. He led me into the sitting room. I took a seat on the couch and he sat in the chair that was across from the couch. The only thing between us was a coffee table. Who the hell decorated this room?

We sat there in silence. I can't say anything first, because I don't know what he wants to talk about. Plus if I say something first it will most likely end in a fight. A few minutes passed and I was getting sick of sitting here in an awkward silence. I stood up to leave, but was stopped by a frantic cry from Angel. "Wait! Don't go!" I am physically drained right now and I don't think I can tolerate an emotional breakdown on top of everything else.

"Look, Angel if you're not going to talk then I am going home. I am tired and I don't need to sit here in silence. I can do that at home and it would be less awkward for me". I sat back down on the couch. "I want to talk to you, but I am not sure how to begin". Well that's easily solved. "Why don't we start with you dumping me the morning after we had sex? Or you could start with the fact that you decided to play with me because her slayerness decided she wanted to pretend to be normal for a few months".

"Is that what you really think Xander?" His voice was quite; almost like he was sad. "As sad as it is; yes that is what I really think". I am sort of surprised that I said that. It's how I feel of course, but I can't believe I just told him that. "Xander why don't you tell me what think and feel?" I glared at him. He can't be trusted! "Why so you can throw it back in my face or use it against me at a later time when it would benefit you the most?"

"I understand that you are angry," I shook my head and interrupted him. "Do you? Do you really? I bet you can't even begin to imagine what I think and what I feel". I watched as Angel clenched his fist and tried to be calm about this. "You are right. I don't know what you feel and I don't know what you think, because you won't talk to me about it". What did he expect? "I don't trust you. I can't bring myself to let you into my life again just for you to take my feelings and crush them like they mean nothing to you. I can't go through that again and the best way to avoid that is by keeping you at a distance of my choosing".

"Xander I am sorry". I know he is sorry. I can hear how sorry he is in his voice, but that changes nothing. A person can be sorry and really mean it, but end up doing the same thing over and over again and still be sorry after wards. It's a never ending vicious cycle. A cycle that I refuse to live. He can be sorry now, but what will stop him from doing something like that again or something worse. "Why Angel? Tell me why you're sorry".

"I hurt you". Well duh. "So? What's your point? I have been hurt before; it's nothing new". It's not and I am sure I will be hurt again in the future in some way. After all the world is an imperfect place. "Xander I didn't mean…" You never do Deadboy. "That's the thing Angel, you never mean anything! You didn't mean to do this or you didn't mean to do that".

"Do you really want to know what I think? What I feel?" Angel nodded his head. I swear if he uses this against me in anyway; he will beg to meet the morning sun. "I loved you and I trusted you. You lied to me so that you could have someone to be with when Buffy wanted to sleep around. I have no idea why you didn't tell her that your soul was permanent. After you left me I assumed that you didn't know if your soul was permanent and you needed someone to sleep with to test it out. You didn't want to sleep with Buffy, because of the 'horrible time she had' when your soul was on vacation; as if she was the only one who suffered. You didn't want to have your precious slayer go through having to eliminate you again even though I am pretty sure that I told you I was the real reason you were sent to Hell. She couldn't do it because she was so in love with you!" Angel just sat there and stared at me with a blank face, but I was far from done.

"That is such fucking bullshit! She can say she loved you all she wants, but she barely fucking new you. She is a slayer! It is her job to protect humanity she let a lot of people die when your psychotic alter ego was running free. She is pathetic! I was fifteen when I destroyed my lifelong best friend when he was turned. What's a life time friendship compared to a one year long romance?! She kept up her woe is me act and poor Angel it's not his fault crap".

I was on a roll and wasn't about to let up any time soon. He wanted to know and I want to see if he can handle knowing. "You should have just stayed with her or found some fucking fledge to screw around with! You used me, betrayed me, cost me my friends which turned out to be a great thing I will admit, and you broke by heart. I thought that after we worked through our issues we were at least friends, but I was wrong. There are so many things that went through my mind. Did he do this to me for revenge, because of the Hell thing? Did he do this because I was horrible to him before he lost his soul and was sent Hell? Why did he do this to me? Was I not good enough? And the whole time you didn't even fucking care! It was fine for you as long as you had Buffy right. Well, I am happy you got what you wanted". Shit I was on the verge of tears.

"I was alone on the Hellmouth! I was left alone on an open Hellmouth with no protection for almost a year! Yeah I can take care of myself when it comes to your average vampire, but what would have happened if I was attacked by something else? I would be dead and we wouldn't be having this conversation". He flinched at that. "I bet if you didn't find out that I was working for the Mayor you never would have reached out to me; which makes me question your motives for contacting me! I hadn't spoken to you or the others for almost a year and then one day out of the blue you decide gee you know who's life I haven't made worse in a while? I think it's time we took an interest in Xander's life because of his employment".

"I figure the only reason you contacted me isn't because you want to work out our problems, but because Buffy wants to use my position in the Mayor's office as a way to spy on the Mayor. Which by the way is incredibly dumb". I couldn't hold back any more as my tears started to fall. "I am sorry I couldn't be what you wanted, but I learned from that mistake," It was a painful lesson, but I learned it. "And the saddest thing is that even though you used me, lied to me, betrayed me in an unforgivable way, and tossed me aside; I still love you even though I try so hard to hate you!" I put my head in my hands and tried to stop crying. It wasn't working. "I want to hate you so badly, but I can't stop loving you no matter how hard I try. If I could just bring myself to hate you then I could finally have peace and I will be able to move on".

I gave up on trying to stop crying. I sat on the couch and just cried. I don't remember if I cried or not when he dumped me, so I can't help but to wonder why I am crying now. I felt some one sit next to me and I knew it was Angel. I tried to pull away from him when he put his arms around me and pulled me closer. I don't want his fucking pity. I pulled even harder and he held me tighter. I just gave up after I realized I wasn't going to be able to move, buried my face into his chest, and cried out my heartache as he soothingly rubbed back.

What the hell was I going to do now?