A/N: I'm going to tell people right now… I hate this chapter. The only reason it's going up is because I can't re-write this for the third time. I'll tell you all right now, I understand there's not really a sense of realism with this… or at least not as much as I meant there to be. I know that and I'm sorry. This is the best I could do… please don't complain about that in reviews…

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note

Warning: This is a lemon chapter, if you don't like it then don't read it. Don't review me telling me how stupid this chapter is because I tried to make it as seemingly possible as I could.

Chapter 21: Trust

"Mello!" I tried, now with my voice breaking in desperation. I needed to know that this was my blonde savior and no one else, but I couldn't seem to find the light back to reality.

That is, until Mello jolted back and moved away from me, "Near!" He paused, "I went too far." He looked back at me; I could see the apology in his eyes but I knew he would probably never put that to words.

I could barely think to respond as my mind was still coming back from the painful memories to reality.

Mello looked away, and expression of anger laced his eyes that seemed to be only aimed at himself. I wanted to relieve that and not let him get the wrong impression about those intimate actions.

Because the truth of the matter was that I actually did enjoy it. I wasn't sure why, or what had prompted that, but the feel of his lips melding perfectly with my own and being able to taste the slight flavor of chocolate from him was something I didn't want to let go now.

It was illogical to think that Mello was a drug, but as I continued to fall for all the different parts of him I was beginning to think differently.

"Why did you do that, Mello?" I asked out of curiosity. In my mind I was trying to find a way to entice him into giving me the same actions again; I hoped this question helped in the slightest.

I was never very good at physical action, or taking control of a situation that I did not understand fully, but I knew that when the times called for it I was good at manipulating the people around me to do as I wanted.

Mello knew this well. But considering that I have no other options, I wondered if he would bring notice to it if he saw through my plans.

The said blonde paused momentarily and he looked at me questioningly for only a moment. I watched his eyes twitch back and forth as he watched me; I knew he did this when he was waiting for an explanation. But I offered him none.

Finally he answered, "I've wanted to do that for a long time. Well… ever since this started and I saw the human side of you." He stated.

"I see." This time it was my turn to look away, I attributed this to being unsure of where to go with the conversation now.

I needed to keep control over this situation, but considering the end result would get me more physical contact I was still unsure of how to make our present state and that ending meet up.

"Memories?" Mello suddenly asked.

I simply nodded.

"Yeah… should've known…" he trailed off and his eyes diverted again.

I couldn't let him continue to think on the line he was, I had to get control back. "Mello… I would very much like for you to continue."

That got his attention, but again he was watching me with confusion and demanding an explanation. I'm sure I was being as confusing as ever to him and if I continued on this streak I had no doubt that I could frustrate him.

"Why?" He finally asked.

I didn't know how to explain it, so I simply let my instincts take over. My hand reached out and motioned for his hand that was laying close to his lap; he took notice and gave it to me with a slight hesitance.

His skin was warm and comforting, even to my finger's touch, but I tried to ignore that as I brought his hand up and laid his palm on my cheek. I closed my eyes as I did this.

"Do you realize, Mello, that you're the only one who could do this without me flinching away?" I asked. "Your actions make everything else a blur to me and even though I don't understand it, it's still nice."

"So?" He asked questioningly; I couldn't tell if he was trying to prod me for more or if he was speaking out of genuine curiosity.

"With this knowledge, I now have a theory…" I wasn't sure where to go from there.

My eyes slid open again to look at him and see his reaction. There was a light of realization in Mello's blue eyes that instantly told me he understood what I meant. I couldn't fight the light blush that I could feel rising to my cheeks.

"It's not that you want to forget," he said carefully, as if trying to understand what I had said and not make any mistakes, "you just want to cover it up."

I nodded lightly, "I understand that forgetting would be a near impossibility, but at the very least I would like to cover it up with better memories; I'm very sure this theory makes sense."

Mello continued to watch me, though at the same time it felt like he was looking, not at me, but at my theory that I'd so vaguely laid out before him.

Anything physical was a foreign concept, he knew that, but I'd tried to get my point out as best I could.

Then again… as I went back and began to look at what I'd said more in-depth, I could see how it wouldn't make much sense. Considering the circumstances… such a thing should be the farthest thing from what I desired.

But, strangely enough, it wasn't.

I wanted to be held impossibly close to the blonde. I wanted to feel his lips against mine, or on any part of my skin. I wanted to feel his hands caress any part of my skin they could get to. I wanted to really know that he cared. And, more than anything, I wanted to feel his lips kiss away my pain.

Despite how hard it was to believe, Mello had become a big part of my life now. He's my security, my defense, my home, and everything that I'm not.

When I considered this, it wasn't hard to understand why I still desired his touch so much.

"I see." He said with a small smirk that, even though it was barely visible, clearly showed he was using my previous words against me.

"Mello." I needed a better response than that.

The smirk on his face became more prominent, but even so he leaned up closer to me again and brought his other hand up to cradle my face more properly.

He leaned up and placed a kiss on my forehead before looking at me again, the softness that I'd seen before returned but was hidden deep within the eyes. If anyone who didn't know the blonde had seen him, they would have never been able to pick it out.

"I'm not going to do anything that brings back memories, Near." He told me.

As much as I wanted to tear my eyes away from his, I couldn't. "I'm confident that it won't this time." I told him. "And even if it does, the end result should still be better than my current state." I had plans of action already thought out, and if I needed to voice them to convince the stubborn blonde, I would.

He continued to watch me silently, his eyes searching mine. Finally though, after exhaling a heavy breath, he leaned in close to my ear.

"You sure?"

A shiver ran up my spine at the feeling of his breath on my skin, but somehow I found the ability to nod in response.

"Fine. If we both want that then who am I to say no? But, if you want me to stop at any time then say something."

Again I nodded, though I knew I had no intentions of stopping him no matter how much my many memories plagued me.

He moved forward and kissed my cheek once and then capturing my lips again. It took me a moment, since I was surprised by the tenderness of the touch, but finally I responded back to him; I let my fingers trail up his neck and into his golden locks.

He pulled back from me just far enough to let him speak, but his lips still partially touched me, "relax, okay?"

Again I nodded.

I felt one of his hands leave my face to trail down to my middle, where he put just a bit of pressure –it was a way of telling me to move without speaking.

I followed the action, sliding back and laying down at the head of my bed while he followed and crawled over me on all fours. He kissed me again for only a second before his lips trailed to my throat and down to my collar bone where he began sucking and nipping at the skin there.

A soft moan pressed out from between my lips as my head instinctively moved to give him more room.

This was already beginning to prove better than any 'meeting' before. Not only because it was consensual and Mello was treating me as if I were a porcelain doll –ready to break at any rough action. But also because I actually wanted this.

And with each of Mello's actions, and seeing the way I reacted to them, I was starting to think it was for more reasons than just to prove my theory correct.

I suddenly became aware again when I felt Mello's skilled fingers beginning to unbutton my shirt, and his expert lips were quickly following.

My fingers, that had been tangled in his blonde locks moved down to the material of his black shirt; I gripped on tightly as if trying to tell him to take it off too. But he didn't listen.

The cold air of my room hit my skin sending another shiver down my spine, but I barely noticed it when his hands began roaming over my abdomen and nears my sides while his lips trailed down my chest.

I let out small mewls as his tongue traced my skin.

I couldn't take this any longer; my fingers moved back to his hair and I gave a soft pull to bring him back up to me. But before he could even reach my lips I sat up to meet him halfway.

His light touch graced my skin once again as he pushed the white material of my open shirt off my shoulders before discarding it somewhere off the bed. My own hands tugged at the black material again.

This time he broke our connected lips in order to pull his shirt over his head and throw it to the side as well. He then caught my slightly parted lips with his own and took the open space as an okay to slip his tongue in.

I suppose I should have figured from the beginning that even his tongue and the inside of his mouth would taste like chocolate –but it still surprised me nonetheless when I tasted the sweet chocolate on him.

I was too high on euphoria to give it any further thought.

"Mm, Mello." I managed to get out when he separated back from me and directed me back to the mattress; all the while a deviant smirk present on his face.

From the light and the fire burning in his eyes I could easily read that he wanted this just as badly as I did, and even though I was confused about the reasons, something told me they were the same.

His tongue trailed down my body again, and dipped into my naval suggestively making me draw in a sharp breath.

But he paid that area no more attention and continued on down till he hit the waistline of my pants; only then did he look back at me; his handsome face asked a question that didn't need to be put into words.

I nodded shakily, ignoring my racing heart and my mind that wanted so badly to plague me with the awful visions of what had happened so many times and even so recently. I suppose it was trying to warn me that Mello was still human and was still capable of doing the same things L had.

I tried to push the fear that he would lose control out of my mind as his fingers slipped under the elastic band and slid my pants off me; leaving only my white boxers.

I suddenly felt self-conscious as his eyes roamed over me, observing every part of my being from the top to the bottom. I fought against the urge to curl up away from his fiery eyes.

But then, suddenly, he came back up to me and kissed my throat, a little below my jaw line. "You're cute, Near." He said, which surprised me. I hadn't expected something like that from him.

"Cute?" I asked.

"Of course," he kissed the spot again with the same amount of tenderness. "Would I lie to you?" I suppose he had heard the underlying doubt in my question.

I said nothing in response since I knew he wasn't expecting an answer, and after another few kisses to my throat he moved back down.

His hands moved to the white material that was still remaining but his eyes were trained on me –asking the deciding question.

I hesitated for only a minute before nodding to give him the okay.

He didn't need any more reason to hesitate I suppose, as then he proceeded to remove the last article of clothing I had on. My fingers clutched to sheets of the bed so hard that I could feel them beginning to shake.

Again his eyes searched me and again I felt the wave of self-consciousness wash over me. I wasn't sure why, if what the blonde saw before hadn't been enough to turn him off from me then I shouldn't guess that the remaining area would be either.

He lowered himself down closer to my half-erect member and let a breath of hot air escape from his lips onto the sensitive skin and instantly making me moan in delight.

This was so much different than I'd ever known before. I wanted Mello to go on. I wanted to feel his closeness even more, if that were even possible. I wanted all of him now.

Originally I had thought that there would be part of me that didn't want this, or for any of Mello's soft touches. But if there was that feeling now, it was drowned out by more desiring emotions that I'd never felt.

"Mello!" I complained when he continued with his gentle teasing.

He gave a small chuckle but then his lips parted and his tongue extended out, licking along the head of my member before trailing down the shaft.

The feeling alone sent waves of emotions through me that I didn't understand and left me moaning the blonde's name. I stared at the ceiling for a moment as he continued with his assault.

I had no regrets about letting Mello see what he wanted and let him know what kind of reactions he was getting out of me. In the midst of this being a way of helping me, I knew there was still that part of him, underneath it all, that held that bit of competition with me.

There was still a part of him that desired to have control of me, and wanted to see any kind of reaction out of me he could get.

And after all that he'd done for me over this time who was I to deny him this chance that he'd been fighting to achieve for so many years?

It seemed only right that I show him exactly what he was doing to me.

"Please…" I heard myself asking, though I was unsure of what it was I wanted.

Mello instantly reacted and I suddenly felt myself become enveloped by the warm, moist cavern that was his mouth. Just the initial feeling sent my head back, and cause a loud moan to escape my lips.

He seemed to enjoy this as I felt him grin, but his tongue was what caught the majority of my attention. He again ran it around the head and lick along the slit before treading down the shaft.

All the action brought me to full erect and I could feel myself getting close.

I bit my lip to stifle another moan, "Mello," I fought to speak understandably, "I'm going to…" I couldn't even finish the sentence.

But just then he removed himself from me making me groan in obvious displeasure. "Not yet." He said, his eyes meeting mine for another moment.

But then, as they locked more seriously I was able to read into what he was saying and what he was thinking. There was question again, but concern at the same time. He wanted to continue… I knew that much, and since I had these pieces I placed them all together to understand the question he was silently conveying to me.

I was hesitant, that much was sure from my racing heart and the way my fingers continued to shake despite their grip on the sheets. But finally I nodded. We both needed this in one way or another and for one or two reasons.

Mello then messed with the remaining clothes that he still had on –the black pants. I could only watch him remove them and then the black boxers that lay underneath. (This, however, did make me wonder if all he had in his closet was black clothing.)

Mello was beautiful; there was no doubt about that. Even though I was drawn to him for different reasons than the rest of the world, I could certainly understand now why the greater majority of the girls at Wammy's liked him.

Not only did he have physical beauty in his luminescent skin, deep yet bright blue eyes and perfect golden locks of hair, he also had a stunning personality, underneath the impulsive, brash and often times violent side, that could charm any girl.

He then moved up closer to me, just enough to detach one of my hands from the sheets and bring it to his lips. He gently kissed my knuckles while his blue eyes never left me.

"I'll go gentle, I promise." He told me in voice that was barely over a whisper.

"I know." I told him with another nodding of my head. And that was the truth, I did know. Mello had hardly ever lied to me before and I had no reason to doubt him now.

He pulled back and let go of my hand after placing another soft kiss on my knuckles, then brought his own fingers to his lips.

I watched him lick them with his tongue and took notice of a quality of beauty on him that I had never seen before. As he sat, fully exposed to me, coating his fingers in saliva and about to commence in an act of intimacy that was normally frowned upon by so many people, I noticed a light in him that I couldn't understand yet drew me to him so much more.

When he was thoroughly satisfied he drew back and looked at me again, as if expecting me to back out now. But I still had no will to.

I did, however, motion for him to come down closer to me; which he instantly complied to. I wrapped my arms around him and the tips of my fingers clung to his back so I would know it was him and that he was there.

We stared into each other's eyes for a long minute before I spoke, "please be gentle, Mello." I said, my voice near a plead.

"I already told you I would."

"Go slow…"

He nodded, "of course."

He then wrapped his arms around me and pulled me up so both of us were sitting, with me in his lap and my arms still wrapped around him. I had been in this situation enough times to know that this was just so he could get a better angle and, in the end, allow me more control.

"Ready?" He asked against me.

I buried my head into the crook of his neck and let my fingers clutch onto him tightly. This was the part I feared. I hated the initial penetration and feared the pain that always came with it.

But even so I nodded.

I felt Mello's finger enter into me and let out a gasp of pain. Normally, it wouldn't be so bad until later but after the previous actions earlier that day I'd been left damaged again; making it even worse.

My instincts took over and I bit onto the skin of Mello's neck as my eyes snapped closed; he stilled once the first digit was in to allow me to adjust. I took a couple of deep breaths and forced my eyes open again to nod him on.

Another digit was pushed in, and again I had to bite onto the area near his collar bone to muffle the cries of pain I wanted to let escape me. My fingers were digging into him as he began scissoring his own, and surprisingly I began to wonder if I was hurting him.

I guessed that the thoughts were an unconscious method taken by my mind to distract me.

But the feeling of lips at my neck is what stole away my entire attention. Mello was trying to distract me away from the pain he knew I was feeling. I wanted to thank him for this, but I couldn't find the words.

After the third finger had been inserted and I had become well adjusted to the feeling he removed them.

"Near." He said against me.

I released the grip my teeth had on him and moved to capture his lips. He kissed me back; there was a feeling behind it like he was still trying to comfort and distract me. I didn't mind.

I broke away and replaced myself back where I had been, with my head resting on his shoulders.

His hands firmly gripped my waist so he could control it, and ever so slowly he began to enter into me.

My fingers gripped him till I was sure my nails had broke the skin, or in the least left some marks. A cry of pain escaped my lips and instantly he paused the actions.

My breath was coming out in pants but I desperately tried to adjust quicker. The quicker I was used to this intrusion the quicker it would be made better and I could stop thinking that I'm going to get ripped apart again.

"Near?"

"Please go." I said against my better will. Mello would make it better… I had to know that somewhere.

And again he continued to push into me while I fought every urge to cry out in pain again. Sure, he could see the reactions he evoked from me, but he didn't need to see the pain it brought on. I bit my lip till I was sure there was blood and endured until finally he was completely inside me.

He brought me back and placed a single chaste kiss on my lips.

"It hurt." I said.

"I know," he said, "I'll make it better."

I nodded, trusting him to do just that.

Slowly and carefully Mello began to move, up and down movements that were still painful but I was beginning to adjust better. Each breath I took came out in hot pants against Mello's skin and as I felt myself adjusting I also felt the dissatisfaction –that this wasn't enough.

"Faster, Mello, please." I near pleaded and instantly I felt Mello comply; his speed increased as did the amount of pleasure.

It seemed as though each of my breaths came out as a soft moan, until suddenly Mello found the spot that made all of my pain disappear, the pleasure hit me in wave that was hot and fulfilling.

"Ah!" I moaned out loudly, my back arching into him, "do it again." I told him, feeling him watching me.

His grip on my hips tightened and he hit the spot again and again with impeccable precision. He had me moaning like a cheap whore and at the moment I didn't care about that at all.

Mello's hand then grasped onto my own weeping erection that was between us, making me moan just a bit louder at the sudden feeling. He pumped in perfect rhythm of his thrusts and the euphoria I felt was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I could feel myself getting close again.

"Ah, Mello…" My head fell back and my eyes slipped closed so I could only focus on the combined feeling of Mello inside me hitting that perfect spot and pumping me in synch with him, which sent another wave of pleasure up my middle.

"Close…" was the only audible word I could form, but I knew he understood.

With a rough movement I moved to take control and meet each of his thrusts when he moved up. I was so close and I desired release so badly.

I could hear Mello's moans over my own as well, the sound was amazing and held so many emotions that I had never heard from him before.

Then all of sudden a wave of pleasure that was hotter than anything I'd ever felt before ripped through my body and caused me to arch back and release another moan.

I came into Mello's hand and not long after I felt him come inside me.

I breathed hard, riding out my orgasm for as long as I could. Unlike all the other times with L, I didn't wish it away quicker, I wanted this one to stay with me as evidence that this act had happened and wasn't just a dream.

"God…" I said, trying to even my breathing out as Mello lifted me off him but pulled me close to his chest afterwards. "Oh God…" I couldn't stop the words from pouring out of my lips.

"Don't say that, Near." Mello said, his hot breaths that fell on the top of my head showed he was feeling the same thing I was. "I doubt he's too pleased with us right now."

I couldn't fight the small smile that crossed my face at his words. Always so clever.

Mello held me there, close to him for another minute before shifting and laying us both down on my bed and pulling the sheets over us. Outside it was growing darker by the minute and made sleeping look like an even better option.

"I have to go talk to Matt, Near." Mello said suddenly.

My instincts and desperation took over and I searched frantically for anything to hold on to in order to keep him here.

There was nothing, but still he hadn't moved so I gave up and instead let my eyes slip open to fall on his blue ones that were watching me. "Don't." I said.

"I told him I would."

"Talk to him tomorrow."

He sighed and I could see the fatigue on him in that moment. "Don't go." I told him, moving in closer to him and finding comfort in his warm chest.

"Near…"

"You know, my theory was right. I'm not recalling any memories or feeling any regret; and now I feel even safer with you near me." I told him, unsure of whether that would keep him with me but knowing it needed to be said.

"That's good." He said, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me closer to him.

I waited another minute in silence, but still he didn't move or make any move to do so in the coming moments. "Will you stay?" I asked.

"Yeah." He told me, placing a kiss against the top of my head.

I sighed in relief and let my eyes slip closed. "I don't understand what I'm feeling for you, Mello. It confuses me. Do you have any idea what it could be?"

He was quiet for a minute before finally answering, "I might, but it's only because I feel kind of the same way."

"What is it, Mello?"

Again he paused. "It's called love, Near."

My eyes snapped open and I stopped breathing for a second in shock. Love? Such a strong and rarely felt feeling as that?

"Are you saying you love me, Mello?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Can I love you back?" I asked, looking confused at him.

He grinned, the fatigue showing in his eyes even more. I needed to end this conversation quickly so he could sleep. "Of course you can." He tightened his embrace on me and kissed the top of my head again

I sighed, keeping to my silence. By the actions and failure to ask anything more I could tell he misunderstood the meaning of my question. I wasn't asking if I was allowed to love him back.

I was asking if it was possible for me to love him.

A/N: Okay so the last part was difficult and my beta says the last part concerning love was strange to read. But it will be explained more in the next chapter. Also, I'm pretty sure that the next chapter will be the last one.

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-Forbiddensoul562