Authors Note: Ok guys, here we go! Shepard and Kaidan are finally meeting again, after 2 years. I worked really hard to get the emotions right, so if you have any feedback on how this went down, I would love to hear from you!
Enjoy, and Ka'Dira Ezra, thank you for pushing me to go deeper, it really made the emotions come through the way I wanted.
This one is for Laura. Who's excitement after each chapter really keeps me going.
Enjoy!
Chapter Twenty-One
Shepard
April 2185
Shepard was focused entirely on the simulation she was currently in. Last week she had made Joker spend three days scanning every planet they came across for resources, then she had cashed a bunch of them in to upgrade the med bay, buy a thanix canon, increase the Normandy's armour, and get more scanning probes.
Then she strong-armed Miranda into letting her get a high tech combat simulator. You could practice with guns, terrain, and the all the other good stuff, but what Shepard had really needed and was enjoying thoroughly, was the hand to hand simulator.
She could put on a light body suit that created resistance when her holo opponent was sparring with her, allowing her to grapple and get into life like scenarios where the only way to stay alive, was to beat the ever loving crap out of the opponent. It had been marvelous, and worth every penny to be able to work off her tension sparring, without damaging her actual team members.
She had grappled once with Jacob after they left the Citadel, and now everyone on the crew refused to spar with her, including Garrus. It had only been a broken collarbone…and arm…and four ribs, but still. Bunch of babies.
There had been a gnawing rage in her guts for the last three weeks. Joker, Dr. Chakwas, and even Garrus had tried to get her to talk about what happened with Anderson. She knew Garrus had told Joker, but she refused to speak of it.
A holo merc burst from behind a wall and tried to tackle her down. She threw her shoulder into his midriff and flung him over her back with a roar, kicking him savagely in the ribs once he hit the dirt.
She had been working with EDI to try and get a letter to Kaidan, but so far she hadn't heard anything back, and EDI couldn't confirm if they had even been received. She ended the simulation with a frustrated jab of her thumb. She just couldn't get the letters out of her mind. They had tried everything; his old Alliance number. His parents place in Vancouver. Hell, she had even tried to direct one through Hackett, with EDI disguising it of course.
Nothing.
She stripped off the combat suit and sat heavily on a bench, her head lowered into her hands. It had taken her a week to figure out what the letter should say, and now she couldn't even make sure he got it.
Kaidan,
I know this seems crazy, but I'm back. Two years ago I was found by Cerberus, but I didn't wake up until two months ago. I've tried everything to get in touch with you, but Anderson stonewalled me.
I miss you so much. I need to see you, to talk to you.
There's so much I need to say.
Jane
She hadn't been able to put everything she wanted to say in the letter, as the extranet wasn't exactly reliable or even very secure, and without knowing exactly where he was she couldn't have it heavily encrypted. She hoped it said enough.
She pushed herself off the bench and headed for her quarters. Having a hot shower, and then heading to the mess for some grub would hopefully take the rest of the edge off.
00oo00oo00
Miranda Lawson sat at her desk and looked at the letter in front of her. It was the sixth one Shepard had tried to send to Kaidan Alenko, and despite herself, Miranda was impressed at the Commanders ingenuity in getting the AI to help her.
It didn't mean much however, when a direct order from the Illusive Man countermanded any order from the Commander when it came to EDI. Once Miranda had informed him of Shepard's attempt to contact her old lover, he had immediately told EDI to allow the Commander to send them, but to have them end up with Miranda.
The AI had no choice but to obey.
It wouldn't do to have Shepard distracted by her old Alliance ties when Cerberus needed her fully committed to them, and the journey through the Omega 4 relay. It had been a stroke of pure luck that Anderson had sabotaged their relationship on is own. The old soldiers distrust of Cerberus had blinded him to the fact that Shepard would have left Cerberus in a heart beat if he had said the word. But he hadn't, and now the Commander had no one else to turn to. Cerberus was the only option left.
The Australian beauty studied the letter in front of her, and struggled to understand why Shepard was so torn up over this 'Alenko'. Yes, his file showed he had a lot of potential and was an extremely powerful biotic but he was still just a soldier, no matter his good looks.
Other than her sister, for whom Miranda had strong protective urges, she had never really held an affection for another person. The Illusive Man needed her to be cold, sharp, and ruthless, so she was.
She was his right hand, and had no intention of becoming otherwise.
00oo00oo00
As Shepard stepped from the shower and slipped on her fatigues, Joker's voice came over the comm system.
"Commander, the Illusive Man is requesting an urgent meeting. He is waiting in the briefing room."
She allowed herself the briefest moment of irritation, then shrugged it off and headed off to see what he wanted.
As the holo scanned her and she was projected into the Illusive Man's office, she couldn't help but wonder where his ship was located. He was always in the same spot, in front of a dying star, but where?
The thought was pushed abruptly out of her mind at his words.
"Shepard. I think we have them. Horizon, one of our colonies in the Terminus system went silent. If it isn't under attack, it soon will be. Has Mordin delivered the counter measure for the seeker swarms?"
"Not yet."
"Let's hope he works well under pressure."
No shit Sherlock. This was fast. They were only a couple of hours out from Horizon, Joker would need to get them there fast and silent. She was about to dismiss herself to get the course changed when the Illusive Man held up a hand to stop her.
His face was shuttered, and he took a long pull off the ever present cigarette in his hand.
"There's something else you should know. One of your former crew, Kaidan Alenko is stationed on Horizon."
Fear. It flowed like ice water through her veins. Flashes of Kaidan being gunned down, or frozen while he was hauled away by the Collectors burned through her mind. It took everything she had to hold herself together and ask for more information.
"Last I knew Kaidan was Alliance. Why is he out in the Terminus Systems?"
She tampered down her panic, focusing on keeping her breathing smooth and calm as he took another drag before replying.
"Officially, it's an outreach program to approve Alliance relations with the Colonies. But they're up to something. If they sent Commander Alenko it must be big. I suggest you take it up with him."
How in the hell did he go from saying he knew nothing about Kaidan, to knowing that he is high enough in the Alliance that being stationed on Horizon was some kind of big deal? The son of a bitch has been lying to me.
Her voice was filled with heavy sarcasm when she replied. "The Collectors just happened to pick a Colony with one of my former crew? I don't buy it."
The gnawing fear was joined by rage. The same cold kind of rage she had felt when she had had to choose between Kaidan and Ash on Virmire. The same rage that stole her emotions and left her a precision killing machine.
"It shouldn't be a surprise the Collectors are interested in you, especially if they are working with the Reapers. They might be going after him to get to you."
It was a chilling thought, and she hated him for voicing it out loud. The idea that they would target Kaidan because of her was terrifying.
"We should send a message to the Citadel. The Alliance can give us reinforcements."
He shook his head. "Not until you investigate. I don't want the Alliance getting in the way. Once you've got the situation under control, I'll sent the message personally."
"Send me the coordinates. We'll head straight there."
"This is the most warning we've ever had Shepard. Good Luck."
She nodded and strode out of the room. She went straight to the bridge to tell Joker to get to Horizon. After she gave him the coordinates, he reached out and grabbed her arm before she could stride away.
"Shepard… EDI left the comm open, I heard what the Illusive Asshole said. Kaidan will be ok. He was with us with Saren… he knows what's out there, and he knows what he's doing."
She stood, stock still. "Whole Human colonies vanishing without a trace, and the Reapers are targeting Horizon because he used to be with me… how is that ok?"
She shrugged off is hand, and headed for the lab to talk to Mordin.
Thankfully, he was practically bouncing with excitement. He had finally broken through and figured out how to rig their suits so they repelled the seeker swarms. She clamped a hand on his shoulder, unable to say with words how relieved she was.
They were as ready as they were going to be.
00oo00oo00
Kaidan
April 2185
Kaidan met up with Lilith, and they once again headed out to the defense towers to see if they could get them back on line. They still hadn't managed to work out all the bugs with the comm systems, so they were still periodically crashing.
The systems had been up and working all week though, so he had managed to get a report sent to Anderson. He had also asked for any updates on Shepard. Again. He hadn't heard anything back, but the last message from Anderson was two weeks ago, and he had said they needed to talk, and that he had new info.
The waiting was killing Kaidan. He couldn't get the thought that she was out there, flying around the galaxy pushed from his mind. If it really was her, why hadn't she gotten in touch with him. He knew she would go to Anderson, who knew exactly where he was and how to reach him.
It tore him up inside to think that she had been with Cerberus for the last two years, and now wanted nothing to do with him. He had gone back over the night before Ilos again and again. Combing through the memory for anything that might show that she didn't feel the same about him as he felt for her.
He pushed the thought from his mind and focused on what Lilith was saying. She was looking up at the sky.
"What is that?"
He followed her gaze up the sky where a strange cloud cluster was forming above them. A group of other colonists stopped behind them and looked up as well.
Dread settled in Kaidan's stomach, and he reached behind him for his assault rifle. Through the scope he could see the nose of a massive ship, which was releasing small clouds of what looked like dense, dark smoke. Flashes like lightning started cracking all along its hull, and Kaidan realised the clouds were swarms of some kind of insect.
He looked at Lilith. "Get everyone to the safe house."
She was frozen with horror; everyone could see the massive ship descending upon them now.
"I'll cover you, run!" He yelled at her, sending a rapid blast of gun fire at the rapidly approaching swarm. The colonist scattered in a panic at the sound of the gun, starting to scream and crash into each other in the frantic bid to escape.
The shots made no impact. Lilith was still beside him. "Hurry!" He shouted, grabbing her arm and propelling her towards the safe house, while he kept his eyes on the closet swarm and kept peppering it with shots.
With a cry, Lilith tripped and went down, sprawling on the ground behind him.
Kaidan spun, and as he reached down to help her with his free hand, there was a sting on his neck. He slapped his hand to the wound and was horrified to discover a fist sized insect clinging to the skin of his neck, stinging him.
He crushed it and flung it away in disgust, moving again towards Lilith who was batting them away from herself frantically. He managed one step before a curious feeling of cold spread throughout his body. It felt like it was happening in slow motion. His legs stopped moving, then his arms. He looked towards Lilith, who had started to run but he couldn't get command of his body in order to follow her.
He was completely frozen. He put everything he had into trying to move his arm, trying to reach his pistol. He tried to flare his biotics, again and again and again. His ability to move was completely gone. He was paralyzed.
He panicked. His mind went wild, he was howling, screaming with fear and rage, but his face and mouth were still. His agonized screams resounded in his own mind endlessly. Again and again he flared his biotics, trying to counteract whatever the bug had done to him. The port on the back of his skull got hot, and still nothing changed. He could still see, and all around him others were suffering the same fate. Lilith had disappeared, hopefully making it to the safe house. He began to hear noises, creepy clickings and chattering.
All he could do was wait, motionless, as strange looking aliens rounded the corners and starting motioning to the Colonists frozen throughout the complex, strange floating pods levitating along behind them.
00oo00oo00
Shepard
Shepard, Garrus and Mordin stepped cautiously off the shuttle and onto Horizon. The seeker swarms were in little clusters all around, but whatever Mordin had come up with was working. The insects stayed well away from them.
All Shepard wanted to do was run through the colony, searching until she found Kaidan, but they were too late. The collectors had beaten them there.
Garrus moved up next to her. "Shepard? Are you ok? Do you want me to take point?"
She pushed the thoughts of Kaidan bleeding out on the grass to the back of her mind.
"I'm fine. Watch my six."
She shut everything down, like a series of switches, until her emotions were buried deep under years of training. Her focus became laser sharp, and she moved quickly and efficiently forward.
They came into a small clearing with tables and containers all around. It looked as though people had just been sitting down to have lunch, but there was no one to be seen. She had just moved past one of the large containers when a hum sounded by her ear.
A bullet slammed into her shields just as Garrus yelled "Shepard!"
Collectors swarmed into the clearing, flying in and landing all around them. Mordin launched a grenade at them and sent several of them flying. Garrus took them out with perfect headshots, and Shepard kept peppering up the rest with her assault rifle.
Once they were dealt with, Shepard was moving again immediately. The hoofed it up a hill and into another part of the complex, and they were now in among some of the housing units. Her earpiece was filled with harsh static, and Joker's voice kept coming through in disjointed snatches.
"The seeker swarms must be disrupting the communications with the Normandy." Mordin noted.
"Then we are on our own." Shepard's voice was cold.
They took out another wave of Collectors, and then there was a wave of husks. A fresh wave of horror assaulted Shepard.
Husks. Her mind was momentarily bombarded with the sickening images of the colonist's on Eden Prime suspending high in the air on Dragon's Teeth spikes. Then it was Kaidan impaled on the spike, his mouth wide in a silent scream, his eyes gone blank and empty… Just like Lily's eyes after she had been gunned down on Mindoir.
A hand clamping on her shoulder startled her back into awareness. Garrus' furious blue eyes met her tormented green ones.
"Spirits Shepard, are you trying to get yourself killed! I get it ok. I'm worried about Kaidan too, but you have to keep it together. I- we need you to to get your head back in the damn game." He gave her a little shake.
She kept her eyes locked on his. The fury in his eyes gave way to worry, and he hummed deep in his chest. After a few deep breaths she got herself under control.
She understood now, even more so than when the Normandy was getting torn apart around them, about the regulations against fraternization. Even with all her training, the years of being able to push her emotions aside and stay calm and cold during her missions, the idea that he was just out of reach, and she wouldn't be able to save him in time kept leaping to the forefront of her thoughts.
Commander Shepard, feared alliance soldier and hero of the Citadel had one weakness, and he didn't even have to be with her in order to take her down.
Garrus' hand was still on her shoulder, and he was humming a low sort of croon. She didn't think he was aware he was doing it. He had seemed to be doing it more often recently, either that or she had just never noticed when he had served with her on the first Normandy. She reached up and patted his hand.
"I'm sorry Garrus. I can't stop seeing him. Dead, as a husk, hauled away in a pod. I'll try to lock it away, I promise. I've got my head in the game."
He held her gaze for a moment more, then released her shoulder as Mordin came up to them excitedly.
"Commander! Look at this."
He led them over to where a husk was on the ground, then bent down to examine it. "Hmm. Husks have Human characteristics. Possibly repurposed colonists?"
"No. On Eden Prime the colonists were turned into husks by impaling them on spikes. We haven't seen any. The Collectors must have brought the husks. They are taking the colonists alive for something else." Garrus made the observations quietly, a strange look on his face as he studied the mangled corpse of what used to be a human.
"The Collectors must be experimenting on the colonists. What are they up to?" Shepard's voice was almost a whisper as she voiced the question. Then it hardened, and her Commander mask came down firmly in place on her face. "The Collectors aren't getting any more victims. Let's move out."
She once again took point, but this time she slammed the walls inside her mind up so firmly that she was once again a cold, efficient machine. They went through the sprawling complex, taking out all the enemies they encounter with ruthless expedience.
Garrus and Mordin chattered back and forth, and Shepard was cognizant of their conversation on the fringe of her awareness. The empty complex was unnerving Garrus, seeing home after home sitting empty, as though its occupants had just stepped away momentarily. Shepard kept herself focused entirely on the actual Collectors. She couldn't afford to start looking around and see the ruin of the lives in front of her. Not when Garrus and Mordin needed her to be fully focused on the mission, and not Kaidan.
The had pushed on for roughly 15 minutes when Shepard spotted the first colonist. "Garrus, hang back and cover us. Mordin, with me."
Shepard and Mordin moved towards the colonist. It was a man, and was was poised as though to run up the staircase in front of them. He was completely still.
Mordin moved close to him and ran a scan over him with his omni tool. "Victim appears conscious. Fully aware. Trapped in stasis field. Fascinating."
Oh my god. They knew…they knew exactly what was happening to them the whole time. Bile rose in Shepard's throat, and she forced it back down. A quick look exchanged with Mordin confirmed what Shepard already knew. They could do nothing for them, but stop the collectors from loading them onto the ship.
She radioed Garrus and they all moved out. They passed more and more frozen colonists, and Shepard began to feel something new. Hope. There were still colonists here. Frozen but alive. They would be able to save at least some of them. There is still hope.
As they moved into another clearing, a wave of Collectors flew in. She dove for cover, and had just peeked her head around to line up a shot when the Collector closest to her rose above the ground, as though levitating.
"Shepard, watch out!" Garrus voice crackled in her ear.
The levitating Collector's arms and legs were held out from its body, and a crackling gold light began to appear all over its body. It looked as though it was going to explode, but instead it dropped to the ground and started to advance on her position.
"Assuming control. Do not resist." It boomed.
It's shield strength was immense, and after a few shots that did absolutely no damage, Shepard scrambled backwards, trying to put more distance between herself and the possessed Collector.
She was only feet away from cover when it sent a biotic attack at her that ripped through her shields with brutal force, slamming her into the ground.
"Focus on Shepard" it boomed in its terrible voice.
Before she could get to cover behind the crate, she was peppered with shots as the other Collectors in the compound focused their fire on her. She rolled as quickly as she could, and she heard Mordin yelling "Commander!" but she still took a shot in the shoulder.
She gritted her teeth and sent the command to her suit to pump her with medi gel, then she popped out of cover and emptied her assault rifle clip into the glowing Collector.
She finally got through its shields, but it was still up when she ducked back down beside the crate. With a thump, Mordin landed beside her. Scanning her quickly and punching a command into her suit. The throbbing in her shoulder subsided, and Shepard was pleased to see Mordin had brought along some kind of numbing anesthetic, which he had transferred to her suit.
"We are the Harbinger of your destiny!" The glowing Collector shouted, just before its head exploded. Garrus, swung out of his cover on the stairs above them, and moved up with them.
Before he could say a word about the gunshot wound, Shepard was up and moving around the complex, grabbing spare thermal clips and checking over the bodies for anything useful.
"Hello…what have we here?" She crouched by one of the bodies and picked up a strange looking rifle.
Mordin moved up along side her, jabbering excitedly. She blocked him out and took aim at a crate several yards away. A powerful beam shot from the end of the rifle, melting a hole in the heavy metal crate as though it was butter.
The three of them looked at the gun with their mouths open. Garrus stretched out a hand towards it and she spun out of reach. "Nice try big guy…finders keepers!"
"C'mon Shepard! You always keep the good stuff." Garrus groaned at her.
"Perks of being the boss Garrus, perks of being the boss. I'll tell you what though. I'll let you hold it later, if you're really, really nice to me." With a wink, she moved back into point, and grumbling he moved back to his position on her six.
The adrenaline was still coursing through her, so the wound in her shoulder was a minor inconvenience and she shrugged it off to be bandaged later. They moved up to a huge metal door, blocking the way into the rest of the Colony.
Her hacking skills weren't great, so it took longer than it would have if Tali or Kaidan had been with them, but eventually she got it open and they were through.
There was a scared mechanic named Delan hiding inside. He was shocked to know that the attack on the colony was being carried out by collectors, and he was worried about the other colonists, especially a woman named Lilith. He had been working on the comm system when the attack started.
"Damn it, it the Alliance's fault! They stationed that Commander Alenko here and built those defense towers. It made us a target!"
It took every ounce of willpower Shepard possessed to keep her walls up, and keep her Commander mask firmly in place at the mention of Kaidan. Garrus took another step closer to her, and Mordin moved with him like a shadow.
He told them about the defense towers, and his immense distrust of the Alliance. Garrus seemed to sense she wanted to grasp the idiot man and shake answers about what had happened to Kaidan out of him, so he moved up quietly and said "Shall we carry on Commander?"
She nodded curtly and they moved through the second set of doors, towards the defense towers.
As they continued to fight towards the defensive towers and the massive, but currently non-functional guns they possessed, more and more Collectors appeared to try and stop them. There were new ones as well; massive, hulking things called scions that threw out extremely powerful biotic blasts and were a nightmare to take down.
After what seemed like hours, they made it to the small clearing where the towers were. Shepard tried to radio Joker again, hoping that this close to the towers the comms would be working.
"Normandy. Do you copy?"
"Joker here. Signals weak Commander, but we got you."
Thank god. "EDI can you get the Colony's defense towers online?"
After a brief conversation with the AI, it was determined that they would be able to get the guns back online to target the Collector ship, but it would take time. EDI alerted them to the fact that there were enemies fast approaching, so Garrus and Mordin scattered for cover as Shepard punched in the command on the computer.
Wave after wave of Collectors, scions and husks came for them. Each time they managed to repel them, but the wear was starting to show. Garrus was bleeding on the side of his face where a husk had gotten close enough to tear open the newly healed skin from his scar, while Mordin had taken a shot in the leg, and was now sharing the same cover as Shepard so she could keep the husks off of him as he couldn't run.
The last Collector went down, and Shepard moved out of cover and called to Garrus to do what he could for Mordin. She headed back towards the computer and was almost there when an enormous flying Collector dropped into the clearing in front of her. It was a Praetorian.
She ran. She ran as hard as she could and got into heavy cover as it unleashed a powerful laser beam at her that tore through the ground where she had been standing, leaving it a smoking ruin. It took everything the three of them had left to take it down. Whenever they would get its shields down, it would drop to the ground and regenerate, leaving them only a brief window to do some damage before it was up in the air again, its terrible laser beaming towards them with a promise of fiery death.
Using the last of the energy in the Collector Particle beam rifle she had picked up, Shepard finally brought it down, just as the guns came online and EDI fired upon the Collector Ship.
The massive canons tore into the colossal ship and it started to power on. With an earth shaking rumble that knocked Shepard off her feet, the Collector ship launched into the sky…taking however many colonists it had managed to collect with it.
Garrus, supporting Mordin, moved up next to her as she pushed herself to her feet. He spoke softly, as though the words were ones he didn't want to voice out loud. "There's no reason to stay. Most of the colonists are on board. They got what they came for."
Shepard felt numb. Kaidan.
She turned to Garrus, to remind him there were still people here, people that would need help when the mechanic, Delan came running into the clearing.
"No! Don't let them get away!" He screamed at her.
Shepard's shoulder's slumped. "There's nothing we can do. They're gone."
Delan was frantic, looking up at the sky. "Half the colony is in there! They took Egan and Sam and … Lilith. Do something!"
The weight of her failure settled squarely on Shepard's shoulders. "I didn't want it to end this way. I did what I could."
Mordin was spluttering angrily at the mechanic's audacity for blaming Shepard for the attack.
"You did more than most, Shepard." Garrus rumbled slowly from her side. He had moved up to stand next to her as the mechanic verbally attacked her. His solid presence was steadying, and she gave him a sad, small smile.
Delan froze, his gaze raking her up and down. "Shepard? Wait. I know that name. Sure… I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero."
She closed her eyes. This was just great.
She heard Garrus suck in a shocked breath, then a voice she was sure she would never hear again had her eyes shooting open in shock.
"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. First Human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel."
Kaidan came out from behind a crate, moving a little slowly, but otherwise unharmed.
He stopped next to the mechanic and shot him a look of contempt. "You're in the presence of a Legend, Delan."
He swung his gaze to Shepard. "And a ghost."
Their eyes met, and it was as though her mind filled with cotton. After the intensity of the battle, and the adrenaline and blood loss, she couldn't think coherently. Her eyes roamed over his face. His hair was longer, but it suited him perfectly, adding a softness to the contours of his face. Her eyes traced every detail of his beloved face, the hollows under his cheekbones where dimples appeared if he smiled, the always present five o'clock shadow. He had put on muscle, and was bigger, broader than she remembered, but it was him. He was alive and so achingly perfect it was like a physical pain to have him in front of her. There was something different about the way he held himself, and his eyes… those warm whisky colored eyes were just how she remembered them, and yet they were different too, almost wary. There were shadows of pain and loss stamped across his handsome face that hadn't been there before.
Delan muttered something she heard through buzzing ears and moved away, but she didn't care. She just stared at Kaidan dumbly as he moved towards her, pulling her into a hard hug.
The first thing she noticed was his smell. He smelled the same, like lemon and cedar and just Kaidan. Her arms banded around him, and she buried her face into the skin of his neck. Her mind was in shock, but her heart recognized him instantly, holding tight to him like she would never again let go.
His arms were tight around her, and she could feel his heart racing. He's ok. He is here and he is ok. God Kaidan, I love you. The emotional side of her brain was racing and the torrent of words she wanted to say were warring with themselves, tripping in their rush to get out so none of them made it past her throat.
"I thought you were dead Jane… we all did." His voice cracked slightly, and the sound of his pain tore through Shepard's heart like a bullet.
He released the tight hold slightly, moving away from her enough to pull back and look at her face.
Say something. Anything! Her mind was screaming at her. She heard the words leave her mouth, and instantly wanted to retrieve them. "It's been too long Kaidan. How have you been?"
Shock, followed quickly by hurt washed over Kaidan's face and he stared at her, taking several steps back and away.
Fucking idiot! Moron! The voice in her head howled at her.
"That's all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?"
The hurt on Kaidan's face washed away, and his beautiful eyes filled with something Shepard never thought she would see directed at herself. Disgust.
He stepped close again, and the words he spat at her felt like knives. "I thought we had something Shepard. Something real. I…I loved you!"
Grey blurred the edges of Shepard's vision. She had waited to heard those words from him, waited to say them to him herself. To have them hurled at her now like weapons was a pain unlike anything she had ever felt before.
Everything she wanted to say was lodged in the back of her throat like lump, refusing to leave her mouth.
"Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that! Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive!"
He shouted the last of it at her, the pain and anger at the thought that she had deliberately chosen to cut him out of her life written across his face. She couldn't get her thoughts together, couldn't make herself think about what she was saying. The one emotion she didn't want to let out bubbled its way to the surface. Anger.
"It wasn't my choice! I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me."
Kaidan reacted to the word Cerberus like she had slapped him. He backed away from her slowly, looking at the logo on her armour, then at Mordin and Garrus.
"You're with Cerberus now, and Garrus too. I can't believe the reports were right."
In her emotional state, Shepard didn't understand what he was saying, only that it was tearing her up to see him looking at her like she was his enemy while he slowly backed away.
Garrus however, understood instantly. "Reports. So you already knew." The Turian's voice was almost a growl.
Kaidan tore his eyes away from Shepard to look at his former crewmate and friend. "Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing Human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get it. Command stonewalled me, but there were rumors…that you weren't dead, and that you were working with the enemy."
It was like she was outside of her body, watching someone else take control. Everything was going wrong, nothing coming out the way it should. She spat the words at him "Cerberus and I want the same thing. To save our colonies, it doesn't mean I answer to them."
Kaidan got in her face, and Shepard was screaming inside her mind not to let this happen, not to push him away.
"Do you really believe that! Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think?" Kaidan's face became a mask. Whatever had happened to him in the last two years, he knew now how to slam up his walls and become 'the Commander'…just like her.
"I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive. But I never expected anything like this."
He raised his hand, pointing a finger at her chest. His face could have been carved from stone. "You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."
Pain. It tore through Shepard, and it took everything she had to keep her legs underneath her. Her mind was screaming at her to grab him, to make him understand. Her voice was pleading. "Kaidan you know me. You know I would only do this for the right reason. You saw it yourself, the Collectors are targeting Human colonies, and they are working with the Reapers."
He stood, so still and tall in front of her. "I want to believe you Shepard, but I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper invasion to manipulate you." The old care and concern flashed across his face, before he slammed the mask back up. "What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?"
"Damn it Kaidan! You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat!" Garrus snarled at him, shifting closer to Shepard protectively.
"You're letting how you feel about Cerberus and their history get in the way of the facts." She pleaded with him.
"Maybe. Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight."
Kaidan's face was still a mask, and Shepard numbly recognized the stubborn set to his jaw. "So you really wont listen?"
He looked at her, and this time his voice was cold. "You show up after two years and tell me you're working with Cerberus. Where does reason figure into any of this? You've changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be. I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not."
He turned and started to walk away. Shepard vision was greying on the edges and she felt panic blooming in her chest at the sight of him leaving.
"Kaidan! I could use you on my crew… it will be just like old times." Her voice was weak, and she hated the tremor in it as she called after him. He froze, and looked back at her.
"No, it wont. I will never work for Cerberus. Goodbye Shepard." For just a moment the mask lifted and the pain he must have been feeling slammed into his face. "And Shepard…be careful."
He left.
She felt like she could shatter at any moment. Her breathing was shallow, and her legs felt like they would give out. She heard Mordin radio Joker for a pick up, and it was all she could do not to fall to her knees and scream at the unfairness of it all.
How had it gone so wrong? Garrus moved into her line of sight, his eyes awash with concern. "Shepard… are you alright? Shepard?"
She stayed silent. She felt if she opened her mouth, she wouldn't be able to contain the sound of her heart shredding, as her soul desperately tried to understand how she had let half of it be torn away. The emotions swirling through her were threatening to drown her, pull her down into the depths of despair she might never be able to climb out of.
All because she hadn't been able to say what she needed to say. All because Anderson hadn't been willing to help her when she needed him to. All because of Cerberus.
She let the grey creeping in at the edge of her vision consume her, and didn't struggle as the sea of despair swallowed her whole.