Happy Monday, everyone! :D Chapter 21 – FINALLY.
I would have posted it sooner, and I'm really sorry about that since you guys all kicked-ass on the reviews, but with everything crazy going on in my life, it just didn't work out that way.
But, here it is now, awaiting and ready for you to read.
Happy late Easter, btw. Hope everyone's holidays were wonderful!
Okay, so a lot of you have asked me how long this story's gonna be.
Well, here's your answer: I'm not sure.
I mean, sure, I do have a pretty good idea, but I'm not pin-pointing it or anything just yet.
Since I don't complete my whole stories before posting them, obviously TR isn't done yet.
But, my estimation would most likely be somewhere in the mid to late thirties.
Deal?
Okay, that is all of my ramble.
-J
Bella - Laisse-Moi Aller
I didn't know what was happening to me.
I didn't recognize my own feelings or even the expressions on the faces around me. I didn't know what to say, what to think, what to feel. I didn't feel. If I let myself feel, it hurt. It hurt to think about, so I didn't. I didn't think at all. I was like a robot.
I didn't know what to do.
I thought it'd be easier after that first night. I had cried myself to sleep, crying until I had no water left to produce my tears. I thought I'd be able to grasp and get used to the idea, but I hadn't.
I couldn't.
But I knew I'd get through this. Eventually. I had people who loved me who could help me. I reminded myself over and over that I wasn't the only one to lose a parent. Emmett had when he was four. Alice had never known hers. Edward had when he was thirteen. Rosalie had a few weeks ago.
The thing was, I was a sheltered child. I always had been.
The worse thing in my life that had ever happened to me before this was when my puppy died when I was ten. I had it for a week. For that to be such a traumatic experience to me seemed like the most insane concept when I thought about it.
Before the last few months had happened, I didn't know what pain was. The word wasn't familiar to me. At least, the meaning wasn't. I had what I wanted. I was spoiled. I rolled with it because it was who I was and what I had.
Looking back on all of that now, I somehow wished I would have been prepared for this. I wished that sometime along the lines of my young life there had been an event that changed and matured me.
It was only a matter of time before I grew up and I knew that. I was only eighteen though. I wanted more time to be a reckless teenager, like every other normal girl on the planet.
I didn't want events like this to have to somber my way of life permanently.
I wanted an easier path to maturity than this. I didn't want it to have to be this way.
When I thought about Edward, I got scared, which was absolutely ridiculous. I wasn't scared for what he placed upon me, because I had asked for it. Wanted it even, so that I could have him and his company. I knew I was risking everything by being in love with him. That's not was scared me though.
What scared me was realizing how he felt all of the time. I never really understood his constant pain, because how could I? I'd been in a bubble. A safe, easy bubble.
I thought about what happened recently: my mother was murdered. Like his. The feeling that knowledge brought was utterly unbearable and the heart fail I was suffering was imaginable. That was only part of what he felt though.
I had to factor in the other things he felt as well. Like never having met his father for basically his whole life. For never having a family. For believing himself to be responsible for everything bad that went on around him.
I knew him well enough to know that sometimes, he hated himself so much that he truly didn't believe he deserved to live.
That was beyond the level of intensity I was suffering, and that's how he felt all the time.
Having that insight only made things worse for me. Now that I knew what he felt like inside, not only did I want to be comforted, but I wanted to comfort him as well. I didn't have it in me at the moment though, and that killed me to think of how much worse he was suffering inside than I was.
I wanted to let him know I was okay; that I was a strong girl and that I could handle this. I couldn't tell him that though unless I truly believed it myself. I didn't. I tried, but I just couldn't.
The point was, I would make it through this. Worse things could have happened. Life went on.
The wake was hard, but I managed. Edward looked stunning in a suit; something I never thought I'd see on him which thankfully allowed me a smile for the first time that day. Rose, Al, Jazz, and Em all went to support me as well.
It had been a closed casket, purely because of how she had died. Generally when someone's blown up, they don't stay in one piece. I held back more tears just thinking about it. The amount of strain I was putting into keeping myself from crying was beginning to become unbearable.
I avoided talking, mainly because I was afraid if I talked, the crying would start again. I hugged everyone who attended and approached me, but stayed next to Edward like a leech the entire evening. When Charlie made a strong speech about what an amazing woman she had been, I had wanted to leave the room.
Edward didn't let me though. Instead, he wrapped an arm tightly around me, squeezing me into his side as his mere presence soothed me from yet another breakdown.
As I walked out to Charlie's car with Edward and him on each side of me, not only did I feel extremely safe and sheltered, but also as if the worse part was over. None of the three of us said a word as we got into the car. Edward helped me into the backseat before sliding closely next to me.
He hadn't let me out of his sight for a moment since the whole thing had happened, and I knew he wouldn't be letting up on his protection anytime soon. Not that he always could protect me. The fact that I knew he was trying his absolute hardest though was comfort enough.
He even humored me by calling Carlisle the other night. I knew it had been hard for him, and it had been one long phone call, but I wanted him to talk to his dad again. He told him what had happened. Carlisle's reaction had been shocked, just like everyone else's. He had come to the same conclusion I had: Tell Charlie.
"Uh, yeah, you can stay here again tonight, Edward." Charlie rubbed his eyes exhaustedly as we pulled into the driveway.
Edward nodded. "Thanks, Charlie."
I loved my dad more than words could describe. He knew how much Edward meant to me, and how much I needed his support. The fact that he was allowing Edward to be there with me to cater to all of my needs was a true sign of his devotion to me. Edward knew it too.
After we went upstairs and Edward helped me out of my ridiculously elaborate black dress, I changed into one of his t-shirts and a pair of flannel short shorts. I got the bed ready as he changed out of his suit and into some sweats.
"We're gonna tell him," he said quietly, surprising me.
I paused what I was doing for a moment, looking up at him. This was new. "What?"
"You're right," he sighed. "We have to tell Charlie about all of this. . .Besides, there's really no way to avoid it now, I mean, once they start trying to find out who did it. . ."
"What did you say?"
He looked confused. "Uh, once they start tryi–"
I shook my head. "The other part."
"You're right?"
Despite the dead energy inside me, I was able to crack a smile. He noticed it wasn't forced for once and his eyes lit up for a moment before he playfully narrowed them. "You heard me," he repeated with a hallow grin, "Don't get use to it, Bee."
I rolled my eyes before I sank back into my depression. Regardless of how short it had been, it was nice to have little uplifting moments like those. "Not now though," I told him quietly, folding my arms against my chest. "Not yet."
"Yeah, I know," he responded. "But we have to soon." There was a long pause. "Before something else happens. . ." he let that statement hang in the air.
"Because it will." I breathed. All he could do was nod. "They'll never stop."
It was hard to see a future for myself, as much as that killed me to admit. I felt oddly defeated for the first time in my life. Weighed down in a way even. Because even if we did involve Charlie, I had this strange feeling that things wouldn't get any better.
In fact, my gut was telling me they would only get worse.
I refused to let myself be sucked in to the negativity my over-worked hormones were creating. I would be fine after a while, and everything would soon be back to normal, I promised. Well, as normal as they had been before. . .
If anything about this was considered normal.
The numbness would go away. I had to believe it would, even if it may have seemed impossible at the time. Moving on may have been the hardest option for me, but it was the best and the right option. It had to be done.
I had to be strong for everyone. For Charlie. For Edward. For once in my life, I had to grow up and face the cruelty of the world I was just now discovering.
Edward
Just as I predicted, I got little to no sleep the following few nights. I held Bella as she slept, and she would never wake up until past eleven. Whether it was because she was really that exhausted or she just didn't want to get up, I wasn't sure.
Whenever she woke up, she didn't say anything and she looked awful. Absolutely dreadful. Not in the sense of like ugly or anything, just drained. Totally, completely drained. Her eyes were dead. Her expression was dead. Her face was dead. On the bright side though, she wasn't crying as much anymore.
If you could even call that a bright side.
Laurent came in and brought us breakfast. She didn't eat any of it. To be honest though, I barely touched mine either. At eleven, Charlie came in. In a monotone voice void of emotion, he gave us the schedule for the next couple of days.
The first and only funeral I had ever been to was my mother's. Having less than pleasant memories only, I was extremely afraid of what my reaction would be for Renee's. Knowing that it was my fault we were there in the first place, I was guessing it could only be bad.
But I would go no matter what, because she needed me. It was really that simple.
We sat in bed together the whole morning and well into the afternoon. Very few words were exchanged. Not from lack of conversation, but for the sake of her well-being and mental-state. I knew she was still trying to grasp everything that had just happened in the last twenty-four hours.
I hadn't been expecting them at all, but around two the rest of the crew appeared at the house, a few hours before the funeral. They each came upstairs, one at a time, to give their sincere remorse and comfort.
Jasper had been first. Good old Jazz. He had brought her a bouquet of white roses already in a vase and placed them on her night stand, earning a wide, teary-eyed smile from her. Dude always knew what the ladies liked when it came to mushy shit. Why hadn't I thought of flowers?
Well, I suppose there really hadn't been the right time to go and get them. . .
He had sat on the bed with us for ten minutes, giving her cheerful pep talks of reassurance along with the occasional 'I'm so sorry' and also the repeated 'You have all of us. We're here for you. Always.' After a tight hug, in came Emmett.
Emmett was carrying a large, stuffed teddy-bear with a warm smile as he engulfed Bella in a tight embrace. Alice did the same, adding to the bouquet Jazz had already began.
I don't think I would ever quite understand the bond between Bella and Rosalie. After Bella had found Rose out in the rain that one day, things changed between them. So when Rosalie silently crawled up on the bed and held Bella as the crying began again between the two, I took it as my opportunity to freshen up in the bathroom.
On retrospect, once I began thinking about it, it made a lot of sense. It made sense because it was both understandable and relateable. Rosalie had recently lost her father, so she knew better than anyone what it felt like.
Ten minutes later when I walked back into the room, she was whispering something into Bella's ear as a small smile filtered at Bella's lips.
With one last long hug, Rose waved goodbye to both of us and left the room. Assuming she just wanted to stay in bed some more, I began getting back on the bed before she stopped me.
"No," she shook her head. "I need to walk around. Shower. Get ready."
Hesitantly, I nodded and crawled back off. Was she going to be okay? She slowly got off, walking over to my side with a forced smile and fake bright eyes. I would see a real smile soon, I promised myself. In fact, I'd get her to smile a real smile.
She stood on her tip-toes, leaning up to me for a kiss. I gladly granted her that wish, ducking my head down to meet her face as I wrapped my arms around her waist. "Love you," she breathed as she pulled away.
"You too," I attempted to smile. "Love you too, Bee." It felt so good to say. Regardless of the shitty situation.
We walked downstairs, hand in hand. I had been thinking a lot lately – while she had been asleep – about what we were going to do. I'm not sure why it was just coming to my attention now, but I realized that just living an existence of hiding all of the time wasn't going to solve anything.
Besides, it was kind of crucial to involve him now. He would basically be forced to be involved. I mean, they still had to do all kinds of testings and autopsies about the bomb in the car and who had done it. Of course, I already knew.
Bella was right though, like she had been all along. It was unavoidable. Eventually, we had to tell Charlie. I didn't know when, and I didn't know how, but it had to be done. With all that was going on right now though, I knew it wasn't a good time yet.
No time would really be a good time, but it had to be soon. Not that soon. I pictured the scenario in my head of me telling him that very moment and flinched.
'Oh hey, Charlie. Sorry 'bout your wife. See, here's the thing – Bella and I are kinda being hunted. There's a mafia that wants us dead, and it just so happens that same mafia was the one responsible for Renee's death, ultimately making it my fault. Hope that's cool with you. Oh, and my name's not really Edward Masen. Just so you know.'
Good conversation. I cringed at the results I didn't want to picture in my head. They involved quite a bit of both verbal and physical violence. . .
Yeah, I'd definitely be waiting a while to confront him. Enough time for me to sugar-coat the whole story up a bit.
Granted, that may have been impossible, but I liked to think it wasn't.
Bella continued to say little. To be honest though, I was just trying to avoid conversation and continue with the whole 'silent comforting' thing. I knew what our conversations would be if we would have any.
She would say it was her fault; I would say it was mine.
We would argue, we would fight. It wasn't a good time for that.
The truth was though, there was nothing to say.
I was trying not to think about what had happened, avoiding reality for as long as I possible could, just like I always did. It was a shitty thing to do and I was aware of that, I just couldn't let myself fall apart at a time like this as well.
Bella needed me.
It was a constant thought in my mind. One with a simple meaning that meant the world.
In a way, the funeral was a lot less stressful than the wake. I wore that damn suit again, feeling like a fool for thinking I was able to pull off the whole 'normal' thing.
Since all of the memorable speeches and what not had been made at the wake last night, part of a weight was lifted from the room. The part that was still there remained placed heavily on the shoulders of Bella and Charlie Swan.
Two people who deserved so much better than this.
After the funeral there was the burial. I had never seen so many people gathered for one thing in my life. The feeling I had in the pit of my stomach was horrible, knowing all of these people knew and loved Renee very dearly. Knowing it was my fault she was gone.
Bella could try and tell me otherwise as much as she wanted, but she could never convince me of the lies she wanted me to think. It wasn't anyone else's fault but mine.
They may have put the bomb in her car, but I was the reasoning behind it. It was always because of me.
What scared the shit out of me was how trusting Bella continued to be with me. She seemed to think that in my arms, she was always safe. As much as I wished it were true, I didn't want to give false hope to myself.
I gave it to her though. I played along in being the hero of this story when really, I was only the villain. I took away everything from her; everything good at least. If only I could take away the bad as well. . .
The next week flew by, which was actually quite surprising. Charlie took a temporary leave from work – in and out of the house from the office every day, drifting from place to place. Bella and I stayed at her home and did all of our school work there verses doing it at school.
I knew neither of us were ready to go back yet and really, it was just a ridiculous concept when you thought about everything that was so much more important going on around us.
Bella was the biggest trouper I had ever met. She surprised me by how sincerely well she was handling all of this. At least, that's how she came off as. Calm. I knew it wasn't completely true, but I also knew it wasn't completely bullshit.
She was genuinely trying to get through this. Now if only I could have said the same for myself. I wish I could have said I was trying; that I was making an actual effort to get through, but I honestly wasn't.
I needed to learn my lesson by feeling the pain. I wouldn't try and heal open wounds. I wanted to give myself a chance to take in the pain, because I knew I deserved it.
It was just how I was.
Al and the rest of them also drifted in and out of the house whenever opportunity struck. Everyone was just trying to get things back to normal. I wondered why I always used that word – normal. There wasn't an ounce of truth in my sentences when I attempted to place a word like that in them.
Nothing was normal anymore. In fact, nothing ever was. But we were trying. Some of us succeeding. I didn't allow myself to achieve happiness until I truly knew Bella did. I would be fine when she was.
Why did I keep lying to myself? I would never be fine.
My down attitude was probably taking years off of my life, but honestly, what did it matter anymore? It sometimes just got to the point where I literally couldn't handle it anymore. Like that evening.
I had over heard Charlie crying on the phone when I was walking past his study. I wasn't sure what exactly snapped inside of me, but I knew one thing for sure: I had to get out of there. I had to be by myself for a while. I just. . .it was just too overwhelming, all of the feelings swelling inside of me.
I had already been down that day before, but this just sank me. I was in the kitchen, the place where I was originally suppose to get a can of pop for Bella and I. I stood there, unsure of what my next move would be.
I felt my chest rise and fall as I sank my head and rubbed a hand stressfully over my eyes. I didn't know what was happening to me. I had to leave. Just for a little bit. I had to be away.
Minutes later, I heard Bella enter the room. Instead of asking why I hadn't brought up the pop, she asked what I knew she would.
"You haven't said a single word to me all day," she put her hands on her hips as she narrowed her eyes and stood in the doorway. "What's going on?"
I couldn't do this right now. I had to get out of here – away from here. Once again I had done a shitty thing by bottling up all of my feelings to the maximum capacity my emotional state would allow. I needed to be by myself for a while. I couldn't wrap my head around everything that had just happened. I was just as confused as to why I was breaking now.
"I have to go," I muttered angrily, attempting to move past her. She wouldn't move, crossing her arms and setting a cold glare on me.
"What the hell, Edward?" She asked as we locked eyes. "What the hell is going on?"
"I just need to be away, okay?" I told her, raising my voice loudly with aggression. Once again, I tried getting around her but she wouldn't budge. Instead, she began trying to wrap her arms around me or some shit.
"Laisse-moi aller," I hissed at her. For some reason, I thought French would get my point across better. Except for the fact that she didn't speak French may have been a problem. . .
As her arms continued to constrict around me, I began trying to escape. She normally had the power to comfort me, I had to give her that. But not this time. This time, it was all me. "Bella, let me go!" I gritted sternly through my teeth, trying to push her away. "Damn it, let go!"
She was relentless, so I snapped. When she tried circling her arms around me this time, I shoved her back with great force. She clung on to my arm with wide eyes as I did so, so I attempted pushing her away from me once again.
She stumbled back a few feet, grabbing on to the counter for support so she wouldn't fall.
I wasn't myself. In that moment, I wasn't Edward Cullen. I was the monster. The one I had been keeping locked in me all of these years. This was nothing like the small fight we had had in Phoenix. This was different.
"I'm leaving," I snapped once again, "And you're more than okay with taking care of yourself and being on your fucking own for a little while." My voice was like venom, and it wouldn't stop.
This was worse.
I just had to get out of there before I really hurt her.
I had to find a way to save her from the Volturi, but first, I had to find a way to save her from myself.
Her wide, brown eyes became watery as she stared at me with hurt and anger. When I tried getting around her for the hundredth time, her hand flew out and landed straight across my cheek in one swift motion.
The whole left side of my face radiated with pain for a few moments as I stepped back in shock, letting the tingles on my cheek bring me back to reality. Her chest rose and fell in fury as hell found her eyes.
We stared at each other for a long moment in silence. I didn't know what to say; I didn't know what I could say. So I said nothing.
Instead, I stumbled back a few feet in shock until my back found the wall. I let myself sink down to the floor as I crossed my arms over my knees and buried my face in them. I couldn't stand to see the look she was giving me.
It wasn't the sharp anger in her eyes that made my heart clench. It wasn't even the unshed tears that still remained in them either. It was the way she looked at me, with love; with understanding and comfort and caring and every I didn't deserve.
Most importantly, she looked at me through eyes that saw straight through me. She knew exactly what I was feeling – something no one should ever have to experience. Because the only way she would have known the feeling I had in my chest would be if she had ever had that same feeling herself before.
I furiously began blinking back the moisture in my eyes. It was mortifying enough that she had already seen me cry before. I couldn't hold back my emotions though, and I broke down.
The fact that I had basically just physically assaulted Bella, the person I cared about most in this horrifying world who was already dealing with way too much shit, wasn't helping matters any. I really wouldn't have blamed her if she let me sit in my misery.
Misery loves its company. Sometimes though, misery doesn't deserve it.
I felt like shit. No, that wasn't even it. Because feeling like shit would be better than how I felt in that moment. I felt. . .nothing. Empty. Hallow even. And that was the feeling that scared the hell out of me.
I shut my eyes and let my tears fall into my folded arms. Ridiculous. Absolutely fucking ridiculous. What was I doing? Guys didn't cry. At least, I was arrogant enough to believe that was true.
I had to have been a pretty big douchebag to think I could just get away with getting up and leaving. I mean what the hell? Where was the maturity I always seemed to hold for myself? If I left, what good would that do anybody?
Sure, I wanted to. But that was only because I wanted to pull my dark forces away from Bella. Obviously that was impossible though, because with me here or not, the Volturi would still target her.
And if I left, what good would that do Bella? None. Absolutely none.
I really wish I would have figured all of that out, I don't know, like five minutes ago. Before I exploded at her. I hated myself. How was yelling at her a good idea? Especially now. Her mental state was already fragile.
And I had also pushed her.
What. The. Hell?
I didn't know what was wrong with me. Damn it, why couldn't I ever be fixed? I was sick of this half-ass stuff. Every time I'd think for just a short second I was normal, the harshness of reality would knock me down.
I was only doing what everyone told me to do: always hoping.
I knew there had been a reason I quit believing in that bullshit.
I didn't really notice I was beginning to seriously cry until I felt a soft hand lightly caress my shoulder. I wasn't sure who it was, only because I couldn't believe that Bella was actually wishing to touch me at the moment. I wanted her to hate me. I would have hated me.
I shook my head as I kept it buried in my arms, wet and exhausted as the hand moved from my shoulder to weave its fingers gently through my tangled, messy hair. My heart tugged at the familiarity of the loving current the hands brought to my being; all the love I didn't deserve.
Why wasn't she just letting me suffer?
"Bella," I croaked, refusing to look up. "You should find someone else who can make you feel better. . .'cause I sure as hell can't."
She didn't say anything. It's not like I was lying – it was the complete truth: I was a shitty person for her. She deserved better. It's not like I hadn't always known that though.
She was suddenly prying my face away from my arms that were still folded across my knees as I sat in a fetal position against the wall. I didn't allow myself to budge, not wanting her to see my tear-stained face.
My relentlessness and refusal to budge caused her to huff loudly in irritation. "Damn it, Edward," she growled. "I don't want someone better, I want you."
She continued to pry at my locked statue position. "You said I healed you," she said breathlessly while tugging on my arms. "But I think you're wrong. So let me –" she paused for another moment as she pulled at my head once again. "Fix you. . .completely. . .this time. . ."
She was about to say more before I suddenly snapped my head up. She froze as she took in my pained expression. "How?" my voice was shaky. "How are you going to fix me?" she didn't say anything as I stared at her. "See you can't. No one can. I'm not fixable." I let myself calm down before I let out a long sigh. "So don't try and convince me I am."
"Well shit then." she said loudly, settling for a spot next to me as she too rested her head against the back of the wall, folding her arms as well. "What the hell do you propose we do, Edward?"
I didn't say anything.
"God, see? This is your problem!" she told me angrily. "Say something. Do something. Just don't fucking give up. I mean look at me," she began, "It's been a week and I–"
I felt more hot tears stream down my cheeks as my hand shook slightly. "Damn it, you're not the only one who's ever lost someone, Bella!" I shouted. "Don't think you're the only one who's had to go through all this shit!"
I stared ahead though I could feel her intense stair as I continued to speak. "Don't you dare try and pretend this is your fault because we both know whose it really is."
"Edward–"
"No, Bella, listen to me." I ordered as I sniffed my nose. "I'm not like a normal person. It's not like I can just move on after shit like this happens."
"You can try–"
"You didn't watch her die!" I gritted loudly through my teeth as my whole body shook. She stared at me with wide eyes as we locked gazes. "You didn't. . .have to feel. . .eighteen years of guilt crash over you like a title wave. . ." I began furiously rubbing at my eyes and nose.
My voice rose again. "You wanna know what the worst part is? It's that you think you know what I'm talking about, but you can't even comprehend an ounce of what I'm saying!"
"I know you're gonna be okay," she began to assure me, matching my loud tone.
"You think I can handle these things, but I just can't, Bella!" I stated furiously at her. "I'm human. There's only so much I can take, okay? I can't just. . .push everything out of my mind. There are just some things that don't leave you."
"Edward!" her voice echoed from the walls as it cracked in hysteria. "You're going to be okay; we're going to be okay!"
"And how do you know that, Bee?" I half groaned, half yelled. "How the hell are you so sure of that?"
"Because," she suddenly dropped her voice until it was only a soft whisper. Her eyes stayed locked with mine as a single tear rolled down her soft cheek. "You promised me we would be."
I didn't say anything. Without warning she was crawling into my arms. She wiggled her way into my lap, hitching a leg on each side of my body as her back rested on my thighs and her hands sat on my chest.
She didn't say anything else; she just stared at me. A long, immeasurable moment passed by before she was suddenly ducking her head down, tucking it below my chin as she nuzzled herself comfortably against me.
Another long moment went by.
"You promised me," she reminded in a faint whisper.
A/N: Alright, so I'm positive you all hate me. Shit, that was like, what, three angsty chapters in a row? And not just angsty. VERY angsty. I apologize sincerely, just so you know, and I promise the next chapter will be semi-happier. Don't worry, Bee's handling herself. She's fine. Edward...well, you know Edward. He's...you know. Yeah. ANYWAYS. Sorry if you hate me for this chapter! I warned there'd be some heavy thoughts placed upon the characters!
One more thing I know I should address: They will tell Charlie. Eventually. I promise. So just be patient? They will tell him soon.
CHAPTER SONG: Give Me a Sign - Breaking Benjamin
French Translation: Laisse-moi aller- "let me go"
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