Chapter 21: Airship Assault
While all this chaos is going on, there is someone on the outside carefully watching and recording the scenery of destruction. Someone with the eye to make careful observations to the events going on just to later turn it into a TV show that might or might not get high ratings. Someone ... like Camtrap.
As of right now, Camtrap is hovering near the group of airships operated by the Atlas corporation overtaking Sanctuary. While the corporate vault hunters are responsible for making the assault from inside the airships, the cameraman and the broadcasters thought it would be a good idea to capture some footage for the show while they are at it. They don't get paid by the hour, so they might as well do their job right … or at least make a robot do their job for them.
[How is it going over there, my lovely Camtrap?] the cameraman said over at Camtrap's ECHO.
"Everything is going well, master. I have my stealth camo on, so the Atlas airships probably won't see me, in addition to being distracted by the vault hunters." Camptrap said with her female-robotic voice. "By now, my view is most likely being recorded right now and transferred to your monitor. Can you see it?"
[Yeah, babe. Definitely getting some nice views here. Knew it was a good idea to have you around. Those stuck-up devilish broadcasters just don't understand.] the cameraman said as he is adjusting his monitor from his side at the cockpit of the Blue Moby to get the best possible zoom of the image.
[Who are you calling stuck-up and devilish?] Xiao Lan said over at the ECHO. [You know we can hear you over at the ECHO.]
[Uh, I didn't say anything.] the cameraman denied.
[*Sigh*, anyway, we're coming back to the cockpit.] Patrick said sternly. [After you have compiled and edited the footage, we would have to do a broadcast voiceover and the entire footage would be done.]
[Oh, I can't wait to gloss over at footage of people getting gunned down by other people while creating a wise-cracking commentary of it all, undermining the gritty seriousness and realism of war.] Xiao Lan said with mocking cheerfulness. [I love my job!]
[I don't believe I am getting paid enough for mine.] Patrick said. [Anyway, we're coming up there. Have the footage of the corporate vault hunters ready.]
"Right ahead of ya." the cameraman said as he added the surveillance footage of the eight corporate vault hunters onto his large monitor in the cockpit.
Right now, the eight corporate vault hunters are currently doing a tactical infiltration into an enemy's airship, trying to find a terminal to locate the main control room so they could either hack the weapons' systems or do a manual shutdown. This is starting to turn into any other high-octane action movie, if that movie had a teenage explosives expert, a cannibalistic female bandit, an ex-Spec ops with an obsession of a genocidal dictator, a cowboy chef, a card-throwing kimono-wearing princess, a commando who likes to comb his hair way too much, a drunken gun-toting mercenary, and an office boy with a tendency to lose his sh*t by even the slightest of danger. Okay, so not that typical. But then, this is Borderlands, so DEAL WITH IT!
"My foot just accidentally landed in the insides of your ass!" K.C. said as he kicked a Crimson Knight soldier so hard in the ass, he went flying to the other end of the hallway."I apologize! Oh, wait, that was supposed to be sarcastic! I NEVER APOLOGIZE!"
Meanwhile, Mama Jaws does a stylish jump to swing her buzzwrench in such a wide swing that it cleaved off another Crimson Knight's arm clean off. She then grabbed that arm and proceeds to chew on it while the soldier was running off screaming and clutching to his bleeding wound.
"I skipped lunch because of you skagsuckers, so thanks, by the way." Mama Jaws said while she was chewing on the dismembered arm.
Selena gunned down the rest of the enemy soldiers and headed down towards the corridor until she found something.
"Here it is. The terminal. Cover me while I hack it." Selena said as she is already proceeding to hack the terminal.
[Hello ... is this thing on? ... Ok, this is Patrick and Xiao Lan here. How's it going at the other side? Anyone dead yet?] Patrick said with his stern voice over at the ECHO heard by all the eight vault hunters.
"Yo, everything is going smoother than a hot dog down a banana peel, if you know what I'm sayin'." Eugene said smugly. "No one from our side has died yet, surprisingly, given the qualifications of some of the people we have on our team."
[Aww, what a shame.] Xiao Lan said with mocking cheerfulness.
"Sis, I swear to God, if I ever survive this, I'll make sure you'll be banned from all family reunions at my house!" Brandon shouted.
[You wouldn't do that. Your kids love me, and I'm sure mother would be quite upset of not having a full set at the family reunion.] Xiao Lan said slyly.
[By the way, you guys know you are on camera, right? The ECHO communicators are recording everything you're seeing and hearing.] Patrick said.
"Wait, what?! I'm on LIVE TV right now?! Maybe I should totally put some make up on, and remember my lines and put on some bodyspray that smells like ass!" K.C. said loudly. "But, F*CK THAT SH*T! We're doing Improv, motherf*cker! On the fly, like my hoes used to do!"
"Oh don't worry. We are totally going to edit out all the non-sensual crap to make a well-rounded version of it to get the most audiences around the galaxy to see it." Xiao Lan said. "So in case someone among you just soiled their undergarments and that was not seen the final version of the show, you know who to thank."
"Hey! For your information, my pants are perfectly clean up until now and I intend to keep it that way throughout the rest of the trip." Brandon snapped.
"Ok, I figured out where the main control room is. We're heading there ASAP." Selena said.
[Oh, by the way, for the sake of getting higher ratings, we're gonna need some of you to add in some catch-phrases while you're in battle. Selena, you are going to put in some more effort in that department.] Xiao Lan said.
"Is that really necessary right now? We're in a life-or-death situation right now! We're have no time for this!" Selena shouted.
[As much as I want to acknowledge that, we are running a TV program here. Just think of something witty and unconventional. Should be easy.] Patrick said.
"Grrrr ..." Selena said as she turns around to see more enemy soldier reinforcements closing in towards their location. She opened fire and said "Handsome Jack ... is ... awesome?!"
"ARGH! My ears are bleeding!" K.C. said loudly. "What is it with you and that dickwad asshole?!"
"Yeah, man! I'm cannibalistic blood-thirsty bandit, and even I hate that guy." Mama Jaws said while shooting her shotgun.
"Girl's got an obsession. Also, it takes guts to say you want to f*ck a genocidal tyrant of an entire planet. Even though you're not gonna make friends that way, at least you got my respect for your dedication." Eugene said as he provides cover-fire with his assault rifle.
[Great! That might not be witty, but at least it's unconventional. Viewers are totally going to love your sexual complex with a controversial icon such as Handsome Jack.] Xiao Lan said.
"Xiao Lan-san, with all due respect, we are in the middle of a war-zone here." Kazuki said as she throws a barrage to Talisman cards at enemy soldiers. "I would appreciate it if we save this conversation for later."
"Heck, I have no problem talking and shooting at the same time." Monty said and he is shooting with his sniper rifle. "It beats having to be alone and quiet for hours at a time hunting in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes I miss the ol' quiet and peaceful life of wildlife hunting."
"I really don't mind either way, comrade." Oleg said, holding a bottle of vodka on one hand and firing an assault rifle at the other. "Hell, I could be drunk, talking, and firing all at once. Don't bother me one bit."
"Oh god, I really need a drink. Could I have some of that liquor?" Brandon asked Oleg nicely.
"No. Go get your own." Oleg replied harshly as he took another swig from the bottle.
"Aww ..." Brandon sighed depressingly.
"Listen, we're under heavy enemy fire here, so you either let me shut up or you're gonna have me vividly describing me having sex with Handsome Jack in 789 positions." Selena said as she threw a singularity grenade that suck in the rest of the soldiers and blew them up, thereby finishing them off.
"789 positions?! I didn't even though there were that many! And I'm just an average teenage boy who barely know the definition of sex! PRE-PUBESCENT BOY TO THE EXTREME!" K.C. said loudly.
"Um, I wouldn't mind listening to it. Not that I would fantasize you sticking your skagpouch with Handsome Jack's rakk tongue, but ... you know, as a reference." Mama Jaws said.
"Enough! We're running out of time here, so follow me to the main control room." Selena said as she continues onto the corridor for everyone to follow.
"Girls got problems ..." Eugene said smugly. " ... I like her."
"Huh, didn't know you we're attracted to the psychotic type." Monty said.
"Hey, everyone's got their taste." Eugene said.
"Just like their taste on food?" Monty said.
"Man, those are worlds apart." Eugene said. "You and I got a lot to talk about in that matter."
Both Monty and Eugene laughed as Kazuki overheard and could only roll her eyes.
Lieutenant Sheldon could never have guessed how this one simple plan has turned out so out of control. He was going to get the vault key by whatever means possible but, as an intellectual, would seek for the most efficient path possible. This has turned far from the most efficient path and it's getting on his nerves. The only thing he could do now is to retreat and hope to come up with a better plan for his ... superior.
"Commanding all members of the Crimson Knights," Sheldon ordered through his ECHO to all of his subordinate soldiers, "We're retreating. Abandon Sanctuary as your priority target and regroup with the main airship."
"Oh, no you're not." Lilith sneered as she charges up her purple aura and phasewalk into Sheldon head-on, which is simultaneously blocked by Sheldon's gauntlet. Lilith then feint away from Sheldon and swiftly takes down the soldiers who are near the unconscious Brick. She then yelled, "Mordecai!"
Mordecai got the message instantly. He took out his sniper rifle and proceeds to take down the snipers on the airship overlooking him. The snipers tried to return fire but they are simply not as skilled or as badass as Mordecai. Everything was happening so fast that even Sheldon was shocked. Before long, he felt a blow to his head, which was from Lilith who had taken advantage of Sheldon letting down his guard. He quickly regained his composure and quickly blocked the follow-up strike by Lilith which would almost certainly be fatal to him.
"You came here and blew up my city and you're expecting to just walk away?!" Lilith shouted. "Not a chance!"
"You have tried my patience for too long." Sheldon said calmly but irritatingly. He jumped back and quickly digistruct his gauntlet, transforming it into a gauntlet strapped with miniature rockets on it. He then fires a barrage of rockets to both Lilith and Mordecai. Lilith could easily avoid it but Mordecai do not have that kind of agility. He was blown back by a couple and was about to be hit by a few more.
"Watch out!" Lilith said as she phasewalk to grab Mordecai and pull him away from the rockets that are about to hit him, thereby saving him.
"Thank, Lil." Mordecai said.
"Don't mention it." Lilith replied.
As soon as the barrage of rockets stopped, Lieutenant Sheldon has already boarded onto the main airship and into safety. Lilith cursed under her breath for being unable to give that son of a b*tch what he deserved, but at least Sanctuary is safe … for now. Then there is one other thing. As the group of airships starts to leave Sanctuary one by one, Lilith asked herself one question: What caused the explosions at the top airship? Or more specifically … who?
"Over there." Selena said as she indicates to the rest of the team the direction of the control room in front of them. It is apparently locked with heavy metal doors, since the whole airship is on lockdown immediately after they made the breach.
"It's locked. There's no way to hack this thing open." Selena said as she hastily try to mess with the controls of the door.
"Looks like it's time for some EXTREME door-opening, brought to you by explosive kid in the neighborhood!" K.C. said loudly as he stretches his hands and was about to summon his mortars.
"Woah, kid. Your mortars might blow up the entire airship along with the door." Eugene said as he holds back K.C. "Besides, it's time for someone else to be a little bit ... explosive."
"Nobody takes away my spotlight of explosions! NOBODY!" K.C. shouted as he gritted his teeth.
"Just stand back and watch." Eugene said as he steps forward to the doors. "Go, Mason!" He then unleashes his mini-tank which digistructed to life in front of him. "Anti-armor shell mode." From that command, the mini-tank transforms its mini-gun into a tank cannon. Eugene then grinned and looks back to the rest of his team. "You guys might want to cover your ears. This is going to be loud."
All of the corporate vault hunters did what he suggested. Eugene then covers his own ears before he gave the order to the mini-tank. "Fire!" Immediately the tank fired an armor-piercing shell that punched through the door and caused an explosion. The problem is, it only created a small hole about a meter in diameter to the door, not blowing it up wide open.
"Sh*t, I thought it was going to work." Eugene said disappointingly.
"Allow me." Oleg said as he stepped in to the front of Eugene and facing the now partially broken metal door. Oleg then rear up his metal claw-equipped left arm, tuck to his hip. "Come out, BEAR!" Then out in one straight punch in mid-air, he digistruct out his robotic bear companion. Upon being summoned, the huge mechanized beast charges into the door and mauls it, totally shredding it to pieces, using the hole as a weak spot. Within seconds, the path to the control room was open. Everyone was amazed at how little time it took for the job to be done, and was now even more frightened at the bear and its drunken master. Good thing it is on their side, they thought.
"Time to get moving." Oleg said, which prompt Selena and the others to move in pass the door and into the control room.
"Sh*t ... uh ... yeah, I was totally doing that on purpose. I gotta let my friend here to show his side of power, you know." Eugene said smugly. Oleg only replied with a low-brow stare, while Eugene reacted with a confident smirk, knowing he's going to have some interesting times with these people.
Once the corporate vault hunters were inside the control room, they immediately saw a group of soldiers inside opening fire at them. The corporate vault hunter group duck into cover as they return fire.
"F*ckin skag suckers! This is turning more chaotic than my annual massive orgy sessions." Mama Jaws yelled as she is shooting her shotgun from behind cover.
"Wow! You held those every year?! That is EXTREME!" K.C. yelled as he also fires his Torgue shotgun from behind cover. "Give me the juicy details, preferably the ones that involve EXPLOSIONS!"
"K.C.-san, I don't think it is appropriate for you to listen to the details of explicit content." Kazuki said as she was firing her pistol from behind cover.
"I think we got more things to worry about!" Brandon yelled while cowering behind cover and covering his ears. "God, is there a God, I hope there is because if there is I wish to go to heaven please preferably with a nice home and a flatscreen TV to watch and a nice paying job working from 9 to 5 ... wait why do I imagine myself working when I'm in heaven? I should be relaxing on a beach with nothing but some iced tea and coconuts and palm trees and wet sand ... and possibly some paperwork to fill-out. OH MY GOD!"
"Jesus Christ! Mid-life crisis much?!" K.C. yelled.
"Yeah speaking of which, why are you not firing?" Mama Jaws yelled.
"I told you, I am not trained to battle under these horrendous conditions!" Brandon yelled. "Oh God I think I'm having a panic attack. I feel like I'm going to puke."
"F*ck that sh*t!" K.C. shouted as he grabs the collar of Brandon shirt and stares hard-faced at him. "You're part of a team now, so you gotta contribute like a MAN would!"
"*Chuckles* man wood." Mama Jaws cackled.
"Haha, I know right?! There's probably a joke in it somewhere about you not having an actual penis, so …" K. C. said as he picks up Brandon with both his arms (Note: K.C. is a teenager and Brandon is a full-grown adult. Even though, Brandon is scrawny as hell, it's still impressive for K.C. to pick him up that easily.) and flings him out of cover and into the midst of fire. "GO GET'EM, OFFICE BOY!"
Brandon thought his life is going to end as in a flash there are hundreds of bullets flying everywhere around him while he is thrown in midair by a jacked-up teen. As he lands on the ground, tears flowing down his eyes and heartbeat racing, he can only think of one thing that will save him now. The "Discount Giveaway" SDU. So in that brief moment, he opens the SDU and took out one Tediore gun and throw it at the group of enemy soldiers. Then another. Then another and another. Until he is practically storming the soldiers with dozens of guns every second. As they landed near the floor of the enemy soldiers, they exploded, damaging some soldiers and causing other soldiers to panic. Brandon didn't have time to think. He could only continue to throw away guns like an NRA convention, causing the group of soldiers to be very afraid and ultimately cause them to retreat through a door on the opposite side of the control room. The gunfire has finally died down.
"*Whistles* Damn, that was awesome. Didn't know the office boy had it in him." Eugene said as everyone as standing out of cover and walk to the center of the room. Eugene then gave Brandon a pat on the back and Brandon came out of his panic attack a moment ago. "Hey, if you weren't so Kentucky-fried, you might make a good soldier yourself."
After Brandon got out of his daze, he immediately breaks down crying and hugs Eugene for comfort, which leaves Eugene slightly uncomfortable and confused. "WAHAHAHA, I thought I was going to die. WAHAHAHAHA" Brandon cried.
"Woah, man. I might swing that way, but you're not my type." Eugene said as he held both of his arms up defensively, trying not to touch the man-baby who is hugging him right now. "Besides, don't you have a wife?"
"*Sniff* you're right. I should probably hug someone else for comfort." Brandon said as he gets off Eugene and attempts to hug Kazuki. Kazuki in turn pushes him away, which makes Brandon comically fall down to the floor and saying "Ow ..."
Meanwhile, Selena waste no time checking on the console in the middle of the control room in an attempt to either control the weapons systems or cause a manual shutdown. However, what she founded on the console surprised her.
"This airship is already set to self-destruct in a couple of minutes!" Selena shouted, which causes the others in the group to be shocked.
"WHAT!?" all of the others simultaneously shouted.
"Aww, hell naw! Those skaglickers already plan to ditch this ship?" Mama Jaws said shockingly.
"Ahh! What should we do?!" Brandon yelled desperately as he was about to pull his hair out.
"Yo! We need to get off this ship! NOW!" Eugene said urgently. "Everyone! Head to the cargo bay!"
"Not so fast, corporate vault hunters." a deep robotic voice from the other side of the control room said. It originated from a large heavy-duty bipedal robot that seems to be armed to the teeth. Judging from the color and brand, it seems to be one of Atlas's with the red-and-black. "Lieutenant Sheldon's orders. Everyone else has abandoned ship, leaving you trapped on this airship with this remotely-controlled bot to deal with." With that, the robot transforms its right hand into a heavy machine gun and proceeds to open fire at the group. The corporate vault hunters immediately duck to cover and return fire.
"Sh*t, this bot have us pinned! Never thought I would be hoodwinked like that!" Eugene said as he is behind cover.
"Got any ideas?!" Monty asked loudly.
Before any of them could respond, the robot unleashes a mechanism from over its shoulder that releases a shoulder-mounted fireball cannon. So yeah … basically, it's a cannon that shoots fireballs in an arc. Great for firing at targets behind cover.
"Time to burn real hot and ... stuff." the robot said intimidatingly as it fires a large fireball over the cover and into the corporate vault hunters' area.
"F*ck! Incoming!" Mama Jaws said as she and the others move out of the way of the splash damage from the fireball.
"Haha, that's what she said." the robotic voice said, this time in a slightly different voice, which, for a moment, confused the hell out of everyone.
"Hey, what are you doing? Aren't you supposed to be on your other duties?" the original robotic voice said annoyingly. "Also, that doesn't even make sense. In what context does it even make sense that that's what she said?"
"Burning? Real hot? Sounds like my typical sex life, know what I mean, bro?" the alternate robot voice said cheerfully.
"Argh! I am not interested in your personal SEX LIFE!" the original robot voice said angrily. "Now if you excuse me, I'm trying to remote-control this battle mech to kill the corporate vault hunters just like the Lieutenant ordered. Now if you excuse me, get the HELL away from me!"
"Hmph, be that way! I'll be going now. Lalalalalala~" the alternate robot voice said as it faded away. The corporate vault hunters couldn't help but give a sweat-drop reaction at that conversation.
"*Sigh* Who hired that guy?" the robotic voice said. "Anyway, where was I? ... Oh yeah, FLAMING DEATH!"
As the robot launched another fireball, everyone became alerted and attempt to get away from the blast. But instead, Kazuki actually move towards the fireball and allow it to get hit by it, causing Kazuki to be bursting in flames. However, Kazuki doesn't seem to be hurt by it. As she spins around like a ballerina, the flames surrounding her swirled like a magical aura. Then those flames get sucked into a Talisman card Kazuki was holding onto her hand as the card was glowing with a bright orange aura. It's like the card was charging up with all the flame energy from the blast. Afterwards, Kazuki took aim and, in one precise action, throw the card right at the robot, which in turn causes a massive fiery explosion. However, that has only stunned the robot a bit, but it is still an impressive sight.
"No one shall match me in elemental might." Kazuki said intimidatingly with fiery eyes at the robot. "Your fire will have no effect on us, for I will only return it with greater fury."
"Nice job, Kazuki." Monty praised.
"Way to go, girl!" Mama Jaws said cheerfully.
"Awesome! TO THE EXTREME!" K.C. said loudly.
"Hell. I'm not gonna let you upstage me." Eugene said with a grin as he digistructs his Mason mini-tank again. "Rain bullets on 'em, boy!" Following the order, the tank uses its minigun to fire at the robot, causing it to stagger even more.
"Let's go, BEAR!" Oleg commanded as he thrusts forward his metal claw to summon the metallic animal again, which then charges into the robot and tackles it, knocking it down.
As the machines battle with each other, Selena and the others tries to come up with a plan.
"So what the plan again?" Monty asked.
Selena thinks there is no way to get pass the robot and reach the cargo bay in time. Then she looks at the large window in front of the airship inside the control room and this just gave her an idea.
"K.C. Get ready to be explosive. Blow a hole through there." Selena said as she pointed at the large window.
"Heh, lady, you just spoke my favorite sentence!" K.C. said enthusiastically as he adjusts his sunglasses, flexes his arms, and pumps both of his fist straight forward towards the window. "IT'S MORTAR TIME, B*TCHES!" Immediately, two mortars digistructed out of K.C. back and strapped on to his shoulders. Afterwards, he fires a barrage of giant mortar shots at the window, ultimately bowing it up wide open. Air rushes out from the room and towards the window signaling everyone that an escape route has formed and sh*t is about to get real.
"Everyone! Get ready to jump!" Selena said as she runs towards the window and jumps out of the airship.
"Aww, cmon! Not this again!" Brandon said, struggling to hold his footing from the rush of air.
"Don't be a wuss! Enjoy the ride while you can! TO THE EXTREME!" K.C. shouted as he carries Brandon with one arm over his shoulder and runs out to jump out the window with him. Brandon, with tears flowing out of his eyes, could only struggle helplessly as he is forced to take another dive at the sky.
"Yeah! Orgasmic Cheeseburger!" Mama Jaws shouted as she also jumps out of the window.
"Hmm, a cheeseburger that gives you orgasms. Wonder if I could come up with a recipe for that?" Monty mumbles to himself as he runs toward the window to jump out of it.
"Comrades, it is time to go!" Oleg said to the others as he also went towards the window to jump out of the airship. Kazuki and Eugene quickly followed.
"Heh, see ya later, hot-flames." Eugene said as he is about to jump out. "Don't expect me to call."
With that, all eight vault hunters jumped out of the airship at the last second before the airship self-destructed into a glorious explosion. As they fall, they try to maneuver their way down so that they'll land in Sanctuary, hopefully unharmed. Yet again, some of the corporate vault hunters are feeling fine as they gracefully maneuver their way down from the sky doing flips and singing songs, while others (only one, and you guess who) were scared sh*tless.
"~Jumping out of an airship; Not giving a damn; Nenenenenenenene, TO THE EXTREME!~" K.C. sang as all of the corporate vault hunters fall and approach their landing.
CRASH!
All eight corporate vault hunters landed safely on a shack in Sanctuary by crashing through its weak roof, thereby breaking their fall. As they exit out, they have seen from a far distance the Atlas army of airships retreating away from Sanctuary. As they gather around in a group and exit the shack, they were greeted by quite a surprise.
Rows of Crimson Raiders soldiers were waiting for them outside the shack with guns pointing at them like they are treating them as a potential threat. Among the Raiders were Lilith, who was standing tall and authoritative and with arms crossed, and Mordecai, who was holding the beaten Brick over his shoulder. As the corporate vault hunters and the veteran vault hunters meet eye to eye, there was a brief awkward silence lingering in the air. Then the silence was broken when Lilith spoke up.
"I'm only going to ask this once ... who the f*ck are you guys?" Lilith said intimidatingly.