Thank you so much for all the kind words.

Well, here we go, the beginning of the end. Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 21

Always and After the Storm (Part 1)

Kate Beckett was happy. No, happy didn't come close to describing how she felt. Exhilarated, ecstatic, those were probably closer to the mark but somehow still not enough. In the last week she'd run the full gamut of emotions and experiences but now she was free of the past; the weight of it forever lifted from her shoulders.

She was alone in her apartment. It was actually the first time she'd been alone for a few days and, ridiculous as it sounded, she missed him. Four years. For four years she'd managed perfectly well to spend time alone, away from him and yet now she could barely manage a few hours without him. Kate needed to keep herself occupied and so she took the diary out of the drawer by her bed and read over the last entry she'd made.

When she'd written that she had begun to believe there was hope; now she knew she'd been right and she felt an urgent need to confirm that in writing; to add, what she suspected may well turn out to be, one last entry to the record of her long and sometimes tortuous journey of recovery.

I just don't know where to begin to describe the last week. A rollercoaster ride has fewer twists and turns but, God, was the ride ever worth it!

Having confessed to Castle that my walls were almost down, I'd made a firm decision that I would take every opening he offered me to show him that I wanted to open up to him and as we approached a crime scene a couple of days before Alexis's graduation, one such opportunity occurred.

We were chatting about the graduation and I was joking about Castle being the one just wearing boxers under his gown, a thought conjuring up very pleasant images in my head, when he stated that, no, that was an insult, he'd been naked. Well, if the images before had been pleasant, the pictures flashing in my brain now were positively hot and I knew a change of subject was required before I completely embarrassed myself.

All joking aside, I knew Alexis's graduation was going to be hard on Castle. His little girl was growing up and would soon be heading for college; it's a tough time for any parent but the bond between Castle and his daughter is just so tight, he's going to find it especially difficult. I asked him how he was planning on spending graduation night. He'd evidently got it all mapped out; Martha was going to the Hamptons, Alexis had her all-nighter and he was going to have a John Woo double feature, The Killer and Hard Boiled. He'd obviously decided to drown his sorrows in a blood bath! I may have happened to mention a certain penchant for bloody John Woo films at that point, which prompted Castle to pause and then he asked me, rather hesitatingly,

"You wouldn't wanna join me, would you?"

Wow, movie night at Castle's to help him forget his sorrows; there was an opening I wasn't even going to think twice about.

"Actually, I'd love to."

Castle's reaction? A state of shock, I think would probably best describe it. Maybe I was in the same state; had I really just accepted a date with Castle? Yes, I had. The new, more open Kate Beckett was stepping to the fore.

It didn't take too long for my fortunes to slam into reverse, though.

The body in the alley was that of Orlando Costas, a former thief and gang member as a teenager but who later cleaned up his act by spending four years in the military as an M.P. earning an honourable discharge. After interviewing his long time girlfriend, Marisol Castaneda, who confirmed that they did have money problems but insisted that there was no way that Orlando would have returned to his former gang life, we were able to find his car abandoned not far from the alley where his body turned up. The evidence we found in the car set the investigation in a whole new direction; a direction that threatened to become far too personal. The last place Orlando had visited was Roy Montgomery's house.

We immediately went to see Evelyn Montgomery and found ourselves in the middle of a robbery investigation. Evelyn was quite happy to see us and willing to answer questions. She'd disturbed Orlando and had shot him in the shoulder. He'd fired back as he fled but his shot had not caused any damage other than to a clock but he had got away with the Captain's old files and an old computer which, according to Evelyn, only contained Christmas lists and recipes. He hadn't stolen any valuables, which indicated to me that this was not a random robbery but something more sinister and, as we returned to the precinct, I know we all had the same thought, was this connected to my mom's murder and my shooting?

Castle tried to reassure me but I was scared. I'd spent the last year wondering why the hell, having failed to kill me once, they hadn't tried again. I couldn't read the look on Castle's face at that point, something was there but I had no idea what it was. Later, I understood. It was guilt. But that comes further on in the story.

I had a terrible night, that night. Little sleep is not unusual for me but no sleep at all, that doesn't happen too often, thank God. I was in the precinct early the next morning and was staring at the murder board when Castle came in with my morning coffee. He could tell at a glance that I was struggling under the pressure of what this case could potentially involve and, as I brought him up to date, he looked at me with such care and concern; it was all I could do not to fall into his arms, lose myself in him and never come out. He told me that he was there for me and that I wasn't in this alone. If I had any doubts left about how much he still cared for me, they were completely obliterated in that moment. I took his hand, told him I understood and looked him in the eye, hoping that he could see everything I wasn't yet quite able to say. Naturally, our moment was interrupted by the boys. They had information which suggested that all my worries could be in vain; the case could, after all, simply be gang related.

My relief was palpable but short lived. DNA from under Orlando's finger nails matched that found at an earlier shooting – mine. There we had it, proof that the cases were connected and I could feel the rabbit hole opening under my feet as I stood in that observation room. I made the first of many bad decisions then. I decided that we should not tell Gates about the connection to my shooting. I knew that she'd take me off the case if she found out and I needed to be on it; I needed to be in charge, it was the only way I could hold it together. Castle seemed to think that maybe I shouldn't be on the case but I wasn't prepared to let someone else screw it up.

The next day I was running out of control, I can see that now. I made a deal with Vincente Delgardo that I had no authority to make; I came on way too strong with Marisol when we brought her back in. But, nevertheless, we got a lead to a church on State Street where Orlando had met with a former military buddy who, we suspected, was his killer and my shooter. We were lucky that the church had cameras and it was with a great sense of anticipation that I scoured the recordings, looking for a trace of the guy who put a bullet in my chest. And there he was. The image was grainy but I finally had a face to put to my demon, my nemesis. Now I just needed a name to go with the face. We could not go through normal channels because as soon as we tried that, someone would know we were onto it and he would disappear. We had to find a way to id the guy by ourselves. Ryan didn't think it was possible but as far as I was concerned, it was the only option.

That evening I went home and spent hours just staring at my murder board until a knock at the door broke my trance. It was Castle and I was about to make yet another very bad decision.

He'd come to try to persuade me to leave the case alone and I was suddenly taken back twelve months to an eerily similar conversation which had ended badly. I really didn't want history to repeat itself but I guess I should have realised that, given my state of mind, it was inevitable.

I have to say that I don't think I've ever seen Castle so upset, he was clearly only just managing to hold himself together while he pleaded with me for my life. He seemed to think that whoever was behind all of this was suddenly going to come after me now when as far as I was concerned, there'd been nothing to prevent them from killing me any time during the past year. Apparently I was wrong. Someone, somewhere, an old friend of Roy Montgomery's, had files, documents, evidence that would never see the light of day as long as I was not under threat but for the deal to work I had to stay away from my mom's murder and Castle had been making sure I did just that. He was a part of this conspiracy and that nearly killed me on the spot.

If I'd listened, I would have realised that he had only accepted his role in order to keep me safe but I had too much anger boiling up inside to listen carefully He'd been lying to me to protect me and I was angry. Now wasn't that hypocritical. Had I not been lying to him for a year, too, another lie intended to protect but instead, tearing us apart. I had to know how he could have done this but I wasn't prepared to hear the answer when it came,

"Because I love you."

Damn the man. Why could he only say those words to me when my heart was being torn apart, the first time by a bullet and now by his revelations? I'll give him his due, though, even in the circumstances he had the guts to call me on my lie,

"But you already know that, don't you? You've known for about a year."

I can't believe that I actually questioned whether or not I could trust anything he said. I know that I'd trust Richard Castle with my life and I have done for four years. There are no excuses for my comments, I was utterly and completely out of order. I could see the flash of hurt in his eyes before the anger took over and even though I may not have responded well at the time or even appeared to have listened to what he said next, the fact is I will never forget those words for the rest of my life.

"Four years I've been right here. Four years just waiting for you to open your eyes to see that I'm right here and that I'm more than a partner. Every morning I bring you a cup of coffee just so that I can see a smile on your face because I think you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating person I've ever met and I love you, Kate, and if that means anything to you, if you care about me at all, just don't do this."

By the time he'd finished speaking he was very nearly in tears. I know that now but at the time, I couldn't see beyond the hurt, the supposed betrayal; frankly I couldn't see beyond my own selfish agenda. I fought back. It tears me apart when I think of it now. How the hell could I treat the man I love beyond reason so badly? He tried one more time to get me to see sense but I was too far gone. Finally, the light went out of his eyes, I could see it happen, and he admitted defeat. At that moment, I think I began to realise what I was doing and what I was about to lose when he said,

"Yeah, you're right, Kate. It's your life, you can throw it away if you want but I'm not gonna stick around and watch you so this is over. I'm done."

With that, he turned and walked out. All I could do was stare at the closed door.

As Kate thought about the events of that evening and just how close she'd come to losing Castle for good, she realised her hand was trembling and the tears were falling freely. She needed a break before she continued the rollercoaster ride so she headed to the bathroom and ran herself a very hot bath. The story had ended well, not just well but brilliantly, superbly and any other words you could come up with along the same line, but for now she was wracked with guilt for the way she'd behaved that night. Maybe it had been a necessary step along the road to the amazing final destination but she still found it hard to believe just how much of a selfish bitch she'd been and how badly she'd treated the man she adored.

Next chapter will be up soon!