Wow, so… First of all, my apologies. I've been dealing with a lot of mental stuff lately, such as depression and a toxic environment, and I needed to focus on myself before I could focus on this. Which was a good decision.
Second, not to worry anyone if I'm gone from this for too long, but I will never give up on this story. Ever. I began writing this fic to deal with my own depression (if that wasn't obvious as hell), so I understand there are a lot of you out there that battle with it every day too, and self-image issues to boot. I know what it's like to be the person on the other side of the monitor, so I'm not going to quit writing. Even if it takes ten years to finish this damn thing.
That being said: I JUST GOT ENGAGED?! My boyfriend of almost six years proposed like, three days ago? So um, my life is going to be busy af for the next few months, planning for a wedding this December and trying to move out of my house, away from my sour home life. So if I can't upload very often, that's going to be a huge chunk as to why, but after that, I'll be in a healthier environment and lord knows that will help my motivation. (Also if you dare blame my fiancé for delays in updates, just know that he's the one reminding me half the time that I don't need to leave this story for very long, and that I should keep writing even if my family thinks fanfiction is dumb! So. Yeah.)
Sorry for making that all so long, but I want you guys to stay informed, and to know this fic will continue. :)
On to the story!
The Loudest Silence
Chapter Twenty-One
They stared for a long few moments, unsure if I had lost my marbles or not.
"Teach you to fight?" Fili clarified, a little worry showing on his face.
I nodded vigorously and they glanced between each other, the implication of my purpose with this statement soaking in.
Kili set his bow down. "Jenna – "
"Four days isn't a whole lot of time to teach you much," Nori interrupted nonchalantly, pushing off the wall to come over to the conversation, giving me a knowing smirk. "Unless, of course, you're coming with us after all?"
Again, I nodded.
The brothers were on their feet in seconds.
"Please reconsider," Kili said with a troubled look as he reached a standing position. "I know we already said we would teach you, but that was before. This quest is too dangerous."
"There's a bounty on our uncle's head, and no knowledge of who placed it. Odds are, they didn't just give up when we reached the safety of the valley," Fili cautioned, obviously upset about the topic. "Our Company will be a target from here on out."
"Besides," Kili continued, trying to urge away that determined look in my eyes, "The Elves don't seem to mind you. Stay here for a while, or at least until we've retaken Erebor. Our mother and many other Dwarves will be joining us after the smoke has cleared a bit; we could send word, her caravan could pick you up on the way. You'd see us again before you know it!"
Yeah, sure I'd see these guys again. Their tombstones, maybe.
I shook my head, scowling as I gestured, 'Teach please. I am going.'
The two princes looked between each other helplessly, like they wanted to tell me no, but couldn't find it in themselves.
Kili wavered a bit, quietly saying, "Jenna, we truly do not want to leave you behind, but we also don't want to see you killed. You were… There was so much blood when we found you, I thought…"
He trailed off, his big brown eyes finishing the sentence for him, and I hesitated. I got so caught up on weighing the risk myself that I forgot they might weigh the risk differently. They were my friends, after all. It was a mutual thing, not just one-sided, and I don't know why it didn't occur to me that they would find my plan disagreeable if it meant sticking me in the face of danger once more.
'Is why you must teach me. So it will not happen again,' I said, pressing onward, hoping they would give in.
Kili's Iglishmêk was still pretty rough, so he looked to his brother for a relay of my response. Fili was aware that he was waiting on the translation, but kept his eyes trained on me, and I knew he was trying to think of a way to dissuade me.
Before he could voice the rest of his concerns, however…
"Well, if you two won't teach the poor thing to defend herself, then I will," Nori threw in, like he was volunteering to help someone carry some boxes to their car, and faced me briefly as he made for the hallway. "C'mon, then."
I blinked a few times, not expecting this whatsoever. Sharing a look with the perplexed Ori, who was still sitting on the ground, quiet as a mouse, just observing the drama, I hesitantly took a few steps after Nori.
"Now, hold on a minute!" Kili called out, making us pause, and though I looked back, Nori did not. The Archer was frowning as he asked, "Just what do you know about battle?"
"Battle? Eh, I don't know much about battle, but I do know how to survive. Gotten into a bit of trouble here and there, figured I'd impart some of my wisdom," Nori answered, finally turning halfway to look back at us. "Better than nothing, right?"
"If she's going to learn to defend herself, she needs to learn properly," said Fili, mildly disgruntled that they had been backed into a corner.
Nori knew exactly what he was doing, a slight smirk cropping up. "Two trained warriors of the royal family would be perfect for that, wouldn't you think?"
Kili was the one to respond, though it was aimed at me instead. Sighing in a manner that was borderline groan, he ran a hand through his loose bangs, and said, "Yes – yes, alright, we'll teach you. Just…"
I was already giving a hesitant half-smile, looking back and forth between the young brothers with some excitement trying to burble up. Finally I was gaining back some of my optimism, and whatever Kili was about to say died on his lips.
Instead, he replaced it lamely with, "Just... eat something first. You look pale."
Yeah, probably not a bad idea given that I was still feeling light-headed from my jaunt.
Fili sent his brother one of those telepathic messages that, unfortunately, I couldn't decipher. I nodded regardless, curious as to what Kili was originally going to say, but let it go in favor of glancing to Nori, who gave me a subtle wink as he began walking again. I paused and looked to the youngest Ri sibling at the same time that Fili and Kili did, meaning obvious.
"I'll come with you!" Ori said as he stood, understanding the message and following Nori and I.
As soon as we three entered the hallway and were out of their sight, there was high-speed muttering in Khuzdul from the two princes we left behind. It concerned me to an extent that this was causing them so much turmoil, but in the end, I was just glad they had agreed, even if it took some Nori interference. I would rather have them alive and upset with me than have them dead.
'Thank you,' I said, bouncing in front of Nori so he would see my signage and nearly tripping over myself in the process.
Nori simply shrugged as he said, "Was no trouble. The rest is up to you though."
I gave a curious look, calming my strides back to normal.
"Now you've gotta show 'em you can handle this quest – and all the trauma that comes with it," he answered casually, taking an interested peek at some of the décor we passed by.
My lips turned downward again and I scrunched my nose. Lord, if I didn't know that already…
Nori continued with a blunt honesty kind of made me want to throw one of these fancy vases at him. "You won't be able to hide out and cry for days at a time. You'll have to make sure you eat right, even when you don't feel like it, or you'll get weak and slow everybody down. Fili was right back there, too – there's definitely going to be more Orcs out and about, since I don't imagine a bounty on someone like Thorin Oakenshield would be easy to ignore."
Almost tripping over myself yet again, I walked sideways to speak, slightly irritated now. 'I know all that!'
"Just makin' sure you remember," Nori said in an almost sing-song tone.
Was it too late to take back my thank you?
"I'm sure Miss Jenna will do just fine," Ori commented pleasantly, though he himself seemed a little anxious about the whole ordeal. "Mister Gandalf said she was chosen by the Valar, after all."
I almost rolled my eyes at that. The Valar were lunatics, but that didn't mean my friends deserved such a dreadful fate because of Yavanna's blunder.
"Curious lot, the Valar…" mumbled Nori, not really paying attention to the conversation anymore. He had picked up a shiny, golden candle snuffer, investigating the intricacies of the design before giving a shifty glance our direction.
Ori was pretending not to notice his brother's behavior, probably used to forgiving these activities in favor of earning the 'cool' sibling's approval, but I was not bound by such wishes. I rested a hand on my hip, flicking my eyes from the snuffer, to the table where it originated, then back to the one holding it.
Nori shrugged, lifting his brows but closing his eyes briefly as he replaced the object on the table. "Not that good anyway."
I twisted my lips in a way that voiced my skepticism, though let it go in favor of continuing down the hallway, awkwardly having to readjust my pants as I walked and they slid a bit at the waist. Retying the drawstring and thinking nothing of it, I recalled Kili said to eat something, so… Oh! I had totally forgotten my bowl of fruit in my room, barely touched and awaiting consumption. Instead of, y'know, being flung out of a window, piece by piece.
With a mild excitement trying to push its way to the surface, I bid Nori and Ori a temporary farewell and padded back downstairs, returning to the guest room to finish off my breakfast. As I chowed down with an actual appetite for the first time in a while, my enthusiasm waned somewhat.
I didn't know squat about fighting. Would Fili and Kili see all of my horrible coordination and decide I was a lost cause? Would I embarrass myself right off the bat? Or worse – would I train my butt off the entire way to the Lonely Mountain, only to still wind up failing my friends?
No, Jenna – shut the fuck up, I snarled at myself mentally. If my thoughts travelled that direction, I would only wind up making myself miserable again. Though I knew my nightmares would persist and my depression would rear its ugly head more than once on this trip from hell, I didn't have time to mope anymore, and so I quickly focused on my food and not my thoughts. Thinking was bad right now.
Maybe eating too fast, I finished up and changed out the dainty Elf slippers for my boots. If I was going to be getting physical, I'd rather not break a toe or something equally ridiculous. Fili and Kili would certainly never let me live that down, and it wouldn't be very beneficial to my mission, either.
Speaking of my mission; I would need to let Thorin know I was still coming, before he made plans for me to stay at Rivendell, though for some reason I was feeling hesitant. Not about rejoining the quest, but about informing him that I wanted to continue. His nephews hadn't been too keen on the idea of me jumping back into the fray. Would Thorin mind, after that little talk this morning? Would it matter to him, one way or another, now that he knew what the map said? Was he letting me stay behind due to moral obligation because I was a girl, or was he letting me stay because we were 'friends' or whatever and he wanted me to be safe? I mean, I considered us friends (in the loosest sense) but my qualifications for 'friend' were probably drastically different than Thorin's. Maybe ally was a better word…
My thoughts drifted to the feeling of his hand on my back, making slow circles to comfort me. Isn't that something a friend would do? Why would he bother with that gesture if he didn't care somewhat?
I sighed, shaking my head rigidly to get my thoughts back on track. Too much thinking, woman. Later, I decided. I would tell Thorin later.
The day was still early and the sun bright, so I left my hoodie behind, only glancing in the mirror long enough to wince at the gigantic bruise on my face again before heading back to where I last saw the others. Off to learn how to kick ass, I hoped the taking names part would follow naturally.
Spoilers: It didn't.
Fili and Kili found a yard similar to the one I had visited previously, though this one was a little less decorative and more open. The trees were smaller and spaced out further, giving it a feeling of separation from Imladris but not isolation, if that made any sense.
The brothers were a little quieter than usual as they led me out into the garden, making me wonder if they still weren't in full agreeance with my decision, but they didn't seem mad, per say. They just seemed off. As Fili began unloading various bladed weapons he had brought, setting them off to the side before eyeballing them thoughtfully, I pursed my lips at the awkward air, waiting for someone to say something. I mean, it wasn't like I could.
Kili continued further out into the yard before lifting his hands to show off the area, turning around to say, "Elves wouldn't know a good training ground if it bit them in the arse, but this'll have to do." The smirk that followed was somewhat more relaxed, and I hoped it was a sign that they were coming around.
"Were we in Ered Luin, we would have a much wider assortment of weaponry to test with as well," Fili said, still not looking our way. Eventually, he glanced over to me with a raised eyebrow. "Any chance you've experience with one of these?"
I came closer, eyeballing the array of blades and daggers and swords. It was telling enough that I just sort of bit my lip and stared helplessly at the weapons for a long time.
A deep breath was taken before Fili clapped his hands together, startling me out of my slowly growing despair. He gestured to one of his paired blades, which he had set out on the ground, asking, "Think you can handle one of those?"
Behind us, Kili gave a half-snort that I don't think he meant to let lose. I turned a bit and scowled his way, causing him to shrug, but his expression was back to the easy, unperturbed way I was used to seeing him, and I knew there was no true offense meant by his noise.
I gave a sheepish smirk back, raising my brows in a 'guess we're gonna find out' manner. Stepping around the arrangement of swords, I bent and grasped the handle of the blade in question, realizing immediately when I began to pull upward that Kili had been right to snort. Dear sweet baby Jesus – they lugged these things around all the time? HOW? It was like lifting a… well, a chunky, solid-metal sword!
The weapon barely came off the ground before my mouth fell open, and I whipped my head up at the princes in astonishment. Fili was almost preening, apparently over the funk that befell them earlier at my announcement, in favor of this moment of pride.
I released my grip, the sword thumping down to the grass as I stood up straight, mildly embarrassed. While I knew I could technically lift the sword, maneuvering it without breaking my wrist would be absolutely impossible. Was I that weak, or were these guys just that strong? Or a combination of the two?
"I'll take that as a no, then?" Fili asked lightly.
I gave a 'no duh' look before shifting my attention away, looking over the weapons again. After a minute, I decided on a simple dagger from the selection, about the length of my forearm, earning an air of disenchantment from both boys.
They exchanged looks briefly, pushing aside whatever disappointment they may have felt. Now they just seemed amused at my choice. I – however – was not enjoying their judgment.
'You teach or not?' I snapped as best I could with one hand. The statement was slower, though, and the fire behind it was lost.
"Of course we will. That's what we're doing here, after all," Fili said, turning to his brother and nodding his head for something.
As Fili plucked the chosen dagger from my grasp, leaving me to frown in confusion, Kili headed over to one of the trees and broke off a decent sized branch. Well, decent for how young the trees were. He proceeded to use one of his own knives to cut it in half and slice off the excess twigs, marking a notch about a third of the way down on both sticks. I realized, as one was tossed to me, that they were the same length as the dagger.
Still completely confused as to why we weren't using the perfectly good pile of weapons, I pointed to said pile with my eyebrows drawn together and shook my head to show my lack of understanding.
Fili chuckled a bit, saying, "That was just to see what you could lift the easiest, Jenna. There's no point in training you for a sword when you can't use one. Not yet, at least."
While I was glad to see them back in lighter spirits, it was now my turn to become disenchanted with this whole session so far. I waved the stick around with false joy, feeling more like a Hogwarts student than a medieval warrior woman.
"You'll get to use the dagger eventually," Kili assured me, passing the other stick off to his sibling as the real knife was set back in the pile. "This is just for you to get the forms down and learn some defensive tactics without cutting your own fingers off. Or one of ours."
I went blank-faced, abruptly feeling like a 3-year-old who wasn't allowed to touch knives.
"Defensive will be the only real way to go for now, don't you think, Fee?"
Inspecting what he had to work with – aka the human disaster – Fili nodded, and agreed, "For now, yes. She's not built for offensive, but I imagine she might gain some muscle as we go."
"Not as much as a Dwarrowdam would, of course. Hasn't got the same structure, though she's fairly close to the right size."
"If she had more hair, perhaps."
"Her jaw would need to be stronger though."
I'm still standing right here, you guys, I thought as I waved the stick again, higher this time, and they finally caught on with my displeasure at the third person treatment.
"Either way," Fili said, "Let's begin. First off, if that stick were a dagger, how would you hold it?"
Er… I readjusted my grip to one similar to what I had seen on a Call of Duty game, with the blade portion on the pinky side.
"Not bad… but it was a trick question," Fili said, and my shoulders slumped. "How you hold it depends on what kind of attack you'll be going for. While that's good for a sturdy grip, it won't allow you the same movement as the basic hold and will be harder to deflect frontward attacks."
I stared at them for a moment, waiting to see if that meant I needed to change my grip or what. When I went began to do so, I was interrupted.
"However," Kili said as he walked over to me and stopped my hand movements, shifting the stick back into my original position, "There are still advantages to this hold. Here, you'll want to lift your arm some – you definitely don't want it so close to your stomach."
"With defensive, the point is to keep a distance between the enemy and yourself so they cannot land a blow," Fili explained. Posed with the stick in the same hold as mine, he lifted his arm to the proper length and angle, and I mirrored him. "If your arm is close to you, then your enemy's weapon is close as well."
"Your legs don't need to be quite so far apart, either," Kili said. When I gave him another confused look, he amended, "They do need to be spaced for you to balance and to be ready to move, but not… like that."
I glanced down at my stance, noticing that I had indeed allowed myself to slip down quite a ways more than what was probably necessary. My version of a battle stance was more arcade fighter and less reality based, earning a worried look from the Dwarves, so I quickly shuffled my feet together a bit, feeling embarrassed that I had assumed such a nerd position.
"Better. Though, don't lock your knees – never lock your knees. You need to be ready to move and that moment of undoing your knee could be costly," Fili said as he demonstrated the correct amount of spring that my knees warranted.
Nodding, I fixed this as well. It took a fair amount of adjusting for me to even begin to learn how to use the stick-knife (which I was apparently holding too tightly, looking as if I was trying to strangle a snake instead of do battle, as Kili put it), but once we started the actual application of these stances, I felt good. Like I was back to putting effort into this quest. Putting effort into being useful.
Now, don't get me wrong; I wasn't suddenly a master or anything. In fact, I was an absolute mess when it came to the real lesson. My coordination was all off, and my stick kept getting knocked out of my hand because my grip was too loose, but when I tightened up my hold they told me it was too tense! Each time Fili would show me how to block an attack from a certain angle, it felt like I was working against myself.
"You can't think so much about how you're going to react. You must simply do it," Fili said, backing up a few steps to his original spot. "Again – don't hold your arm so close to your torso."
I stuck my arm back out, frowning at my automatic reaction of being timid and bringing my limbs inward. Shying away from things was my specialty, and it seemed this showed through in my fighting style: hesitant, skittish, and all around bad.
Fili brought his stick towards my side, quicker than before, and I reacted as best I could, bringing my own down to block and failing. His fake weapon had already poked my gut, leaving him to back up and start over again, instructing on how to correct the move. Both Princes were patient though, Kili giving pointers from the side as his knife-specialist of a brother ran most of the show, and their easy attitude towards the whole thing was what made my suckage bearable.
While aggravating, I was just glad I was learning so I could help my friends. It was almost funny when I thought about the whole thing, honestly. Fili and Kili were teaching me to save their lives, and yet they didn't even know it.
Distracted by this thought, I dropped my stick for the billionth time, earning an odd applause from the archway where we came from. The three of us looked over to see Nori at the edge of the yard, his sarcastic clapping dying down a bit, and Ori. Beside them stood Balin, eyebrows raised slightly at the sight before him.
"Ah, come to watch the show, have you?" Kili asked.
"Thought we'd check up, see how it's all going," Nori said, looking to Balin.
"Aye," Balin agreed, looking a little perplexed at the situation, turning his attention from the Ri brothers to me. I assumed he could figure out what was going on easy enough, if they hadn't already told him.
"It could be worse," Fili said, releasing the remainder of his fighting stance to glance my way as well. "Hasn't any experience with a blade, but she's a fast learner. She took up the Iglishmêk well enough – she'll get this eventually, too."
Collecting my stick from the ground and relaxing my training position, I gave a half-smile to Fili, rolling my eyes at his faith in my abilities. The Iglishmêk was a horse of a different color.
There was a lull in the conversation as Balin gave a very specific look to the two princes – one I didn't quite comprehend – and they turned their gazes everywhere but towards the older Dwarf. The whole affair was horribly awkward as I waited to see what the tension was about.
Eventually, Balin spoke up, aiming the request for clarification my way. "Ori tells me you've decided to continue onward with the Company? Is this true?"
Suddenly understanding the wary atmosphere, I nodded reluctantly.
Balin's eyebrows seemed to rise again, if only just, before he gave a miniscule nod back, appearing to be somehow both surprised and yet unsurprised at this turn of events. By his smile, it was clear he already knew the answer as he asked, "And does Thorin know this yet?"
I bit my lip, shaking my head and glancing down at the stick in my hands.
"Well, I wouldn't wait too long to let him know," Balin said, tone shifting after that to become less serious. "Though I will admit, I was certain that you would want to stay here after all that has happened. What brought about this change in your attitude, lass?"
Looking back up, I shrugged, mouth tight. Probably Thorin allowing me to stay behind, but I'm not sure how to word that without sounding like a backwards idiot…
Once a few quiet moments passed, Kili jumped in when he sensed my discomfort, joking, "She realized she would miss our company too much. Couldn't bear the thought of parting with us, poor thing."
This stuck a smile back on my face, and I lobbed the stick in his direction playfully.
He caught the twig with ease, laughing, "No, no, Jenna – throwing knives is a lesson for another day." Mid-chuckle, he was clocked on the head by another stick, flying from Fili's direction.
Fili was now giving a laugh as well. "A lesson I should lead, certainly. Unless you've been practicing again?"
"Of course I've been practicing," Kili answered as he retrieved the stick that bounced off his skull. "Archery isn't my only skill, you know."
"Then let us show Jenna how a true battle works, brother," Fili said, about to do just that when a familiar voice from the archway interrupted.
"Oh, there you all are!"
From behind Nori, Ori, and Balin, Bofur popped up, looking over the scene with as much curiosity as the previous newcomers. He spotted me, smiling like the damn beam of sunshine that he was. "Jenna! Ye look a might better! Feeling alright?"
I nodded a happy little 'yes', genuinely glad to see him while I wasn't a mopey mess of blah.
"That's good to hear, lass," he said back, looking to the others. "Was told to find you all – lunch is ready whenever you are. Still the same vegetable tripe, but it's better than nothin'."
Too untrusting of Elves to just leave their weapons lying around, even though we'd be coming back after food and I doubted our hosts would even need this space in that time span, Fili gathered up his blades and returned them to their makeshift camp while the rest of us headed to the dining veranda.
"Nice to see ye back in lighter spirits," Bofur said to me as we walked. A few corners were turned before he continued a little louder, so the others could hear, "If you don't mind my asking, what did all of ye have going back there? Looked like trainin' of some kind?"
"You'd be right. They're teaching Jenna some tricks to keep her alive on the road," Nori answered as the group climbed up a small flight of stairs.
There was a pause, and I could tell there were gears turning in Bofur's head, swiveling from Nori to me rather quickly. "The road? She's not – You're not actually comin' with us past Rivendell, are ya?"
We rounded the last corner that lead to the dining balcony, the rest of the Company now in our view, already seated at the tables and picking apart the greenery that was their lunch. They looked up momentarily upon our arrival, giving a few noises of greeting, and since Gandalf and Elrond were nowhere to be found, the leader of said Company was sitting with his kin today. My nodding to Bofur's question slowed slightly when Thorin glanced over to us, obviously catching the next half of our conversation.
Bofur took my response about as well as I thought he would, stopping just before the short steps that led up onto the veranda. "While I'm glad to know you're so keen on the cause, I can't help but worry about that decision," he said. "Are ye certain, Jenna? Even after the kidnappin'? Nearly eaten by Wargs, and chased by Orcs, yer still gonna come with us?"
I met Thorin's eyes as he listened. My second small nod was not just for Bofur, this time, but also for the one who had given me permission to chicken out in the first place, though I don't know what kind of reaction I expected from him. Thorin's expression was hard to read; his brows were drawn down in his usual severe set, but his eyes were not narrowed or suspicious. It was like he was surprised, yet undecided on whether or not to be upset with the surprise itself. He blinked a few times, turning his gaze away from me and frowning more than before as he stared at his food in thought.
Always a fantastic sign.
While worried, Bofur still respected my choice and, glancing between Thorin and me, gave my shoulder an odd pat. "If you're truly sure of it, then I'll just be glad to have you along," he affirmed, turning to join the rest of the crew for lunch.
Our little group merged in with the others, finding seats at the two short tables. Fili entered about then and chose the spot next to his sibling, at the farthest table with Ori and Nori, and now Bofur as well, who was patting a seat for Bilbo. As soon as the Hobbit sat down, this left me with the beautiful option of sitting one seat away from Thorin, who was at the head of the other table, with Dwalin between us. Not that I had any problem with Dwalin, of course, or Balin, who decided to sit across from his brother, or Gloín or Oín or anyone at the table, really. It was the weirdness radiating off of their King that gave me slight anxiety.
"So you'll be joining the rest of our quest after all, then?" Gloín asked from beside me, a bit of a frown on his face.
Nodding carefully, I doused my salad in some type of red vinaigrette.
Oín looked up, raising his ear trumpet a bit. "'Soldiers on bed rest'? No, we don't have any that I know of, unless someone's injured themselves again," he said in confusion, peeking around at the tables to see if anyone was missing.
Gloín huffed, and said louder (right beside my ear, mind you), "I was talking to the lass here! She wants to continue on with the rest of our quest!"
Fluffy eyebrows popping up, Oín addressed me with a smile, "Oh! Well then, that's news to me. Thought you'd certainly take any chance to get out after that fiasco."
My lips pursed of their own accord and I found myself shrugging again as I dug into my lunch.
"It will take more than a few dogs to scare our lady away, isn't that right, Jenna?" Kili called from the second table.
"Are you talking about the Wargs or the Men?" quipped Nori.
Kili quickly shot back, "Both!"
There was a bundle of laughter at that, causing me to crack a smile despite the topic. Thinking of the incident still left me feeling clammy and shaken, which was to be expected, but I didn't want to get left behind because of this speed bump so early on in the journey. (Alright, so it was a bit more than a bump. Didn't mean that I wanted to ditch the mission due to a smidgen of trauma, no matter how terrifying.)
The lighter consensus, however, wasn't the only one.
"Seems a fool thing to do, if you ask me," Dwalin put in, jabbing at a carrot on his plate with a fork. He glanced over when he sensed my staring at him, a frown now on both of our faces. Except, because of the overly-large bite I had taken, I probably looked much stupider, trying to have a serious eye-to-eye with my mouth full of food like a damn chipmunk.
Whatever lively momentum they had going was further slowed by Dori's statement, as he said, "Agreed! Not meant as a prod at your mental state, Miss Hollander, but now that we know of what the map speaks, I don't understand why you'd want to risk anything further when you don't have to."
While slightly more polite, this was still not what I wanted to hear.
"My thoughts exactly," came the addition of Gloín, causing me to swivel to my left to scowl at him instead, finally swallowing my bite. He just gave me a stern look, saying, "Why, I didn't even let my lad Gimli on this venture, and he's trained with axe and sword both."
"Jenna will have some training under her belt soon as well. Not as much as Gimli, of course, but enough to at least give her a better chance out there," Fili added in a casual manner, trying to offset the stress.
"Yes," Kili said, "Began teaching her today, actually."
"Not the point, lad," Dwalin interceded, finally giving up on the rest of the cruddy salad before him. "We're headed straight into the thick of it, and the lass has nearly died already. There's no tellin' when we'll be intercepted again – days, weeks. Whatever training ye can get done in that amount of time will hardly make a difference. We know what the map says. She's done her part, no more to it."
My expression was tense as I watched them speak on the matter. There actually was a lot more to it, and without the rest of the story, I looked a bit like an idiot with a death wish, but what could I say?
Gloín nodded his head at Dwalin's statement, looking to me again, "I'm sorry, really, but you should reconsider while ye can."
"Miss Hollander was offered the option to stay behind," came Thorin's response to the subject. "Should she choose not to take it, then that is her own decision."
Everyone shut up at the firm voice, turning towards their leader.
Thorin was seated with his arms on either side of his dish, shoulders a little more square than usual. I waited as the rest of them did for him to say something, though when he finally addressed the issue further, he was staring straight at me. My frown shifted from one of irritation to one of puzzlement at the mood.
Maintaining eye contact, Thorin continued, "She said she knew of the dangers involved on this quest before we started out. If anything, she is simply more aware of them now."
His expression was very pointed at this statement, but mine remained confused.
"We allowed her into our Company at the Halfling's home, and we'll not go back on that," Thorin finished. He broke off his gaze in order to look at the others, checking to see if the topic was thoroughly done now that he'd put his two cents in. Which – of course – it was.
I was still lost as hell though. Had that been his backwards way of defending my choice to go on? If it was, then why did he seem so damn touchy about it all?
The rest of lunch became super awkward, once that was settled. After a few minutes, some conversations about their stay so far cropped up, quietly dying off when it was obvious the meal needed to be over. Not only because of the atmosphere, but because they still just weren't very fond of the food.
The first to head off was Dori and Ori, and after that, several others trickled away, with the Ur family taking Bilbo with them, asking about his wandering through Rivendell. From my table, Thorin stood, making me glance over and momentarily meet this look that I didn't quite get. I could tell he was upset with my decision, for whatever reason, but his expression gave nothing else away besides the fact that he was unhappy. Which, really, wasn't saying much.
Had his offer to let me stay behind been more of an order to stay put and I just didn't pick up on that?
No… That didn't make any sense. Why would he back up my decision in that odd way, if that was the case? Besides, if he had really wanted me to stay, I would be staying, no questions asked, no choice given. As Thorin left the table, with Dwalin and Balin following, and the others soon dispersing as well, I sat there by myself and understood at least one thing.
I had to talk to Thorin and get whatever this was cleared up. He was the one who gave me the option – key word being option. As in, whatever I preferred to do in this situation. So why did he suddenly have his braids in a knot about it if he didn't actually want me to go?
"Jenna?" came Kili's voice, snapping me out of my thoughts. He and his brother were waiting on me to finish up, so we could continue our lesson, but I had something to do.
'I will meet down in the yard, later,' I signed, glancing the way that their uncle went. 'Have to talk to…'
Fili simply shook his head as he assured, "Say no more. We'll be there when you're ready. Besides, Kili and I must warm-up first, so it won't be as embarrassing when he is defeated."
"You assume that I will be the one defeated," Kili returned, as the older sibling guided him away by the shoulder.
I watched them go before taking a deep breath, heading off in the direction I saw Thorin go. Of course, Rivendell didn't believe in a straight shot to any one location, so I had to take a few wrong turns, straining my ears for the sounds of any conversation involving that familiar, deep tone.
While it took me a minute, I eventually recognized Balin's voice instead from down the hall, making my way closer with some amount of trepidation. I peeked around an intricately carved pillar, spotting Thorin, pipe in hand, as he conversed with Balin and Dwalin beside a banister, the level overlooking the large study that Elrond had examined my tattoo in. The talking was cut short when the brothers noticed me, causing Thorin to look over as well.
They waited, and I stepped from behind the pillar, trying not to make myself look like an eavesdropper. Nervously, I asked, 'Can talk to Thorin?' feeling a little like I was trying to get permission from the other two instead of Thorin himself.
There was some unspoken agreement when they shared a look between themselves, Balin nodding as he and Dwalin left the area. I tried to smile a polite thanks to both of them, earning one in return from Balin, though the effort was wasted on the other. Fine. That was… fine.
I moved tentatively over to the railing, next to Thorin, and looked around the study below as I waited for the footsteps of our companions to fade away. When it was finally just us, I faced him.
'You are angry with me?'
His eyebrows were still drawn down in their usual set as he read my hand motions, lowering his pipe. It took a second, and though he remained tense, his scowl loosened up ever so slightly as he answered, "I am not angry with you, Miss Hollander."
I was still confused by his demeanor, however, tilting my head and shaking it a bit. Starting to sign, 'Then why…?' I realized halfway through that I wasn't sure what I wanted to ask. Why are you grumpy? Why are you frowning? That was just Thorin stuff.
Instead, I settled on, 'What is wrong?'
Probably too broad of a question for someone like him.
Thorin seemed to think for a moment. On the level below, we noticed Fili and Kili passing through the study, the eldest brother carrying all his weapons again, probably headed to the yard where we trained previously. We watched as Kili laughed at something Fili said, the sound echoing a bit in the large area, though neither noticed us on the upper level and soon they were gone, the room going quiet again. In the distance, the waterfalls continued their white noise as some Elf somewhere was practicing on a flute.
"Why have the Valar sent you?"
I blinked, looking over to Thorin as the question hung in the air. Eventually, I forced myself to sign, 'To help.'
"To help in what way?" he asked, meeting my eyes seriously. "If it were simply to allow us to read the map, then your mission would be at an end. I don't imagine you would wish to put yourself in front of another Warg so soon unless there was a reason."
My mind was suddenly doing cartwheels, thinking of any possible way to appease him without revealing the whole shebang. I knew I couldn't dodge this topic forever, but how to word it…?
"I have been patient – a month has gone by and still I know nothing of why you're here," he said, voice all rumbles with the lower volume. Thorin was getting better at reading my already open face, and he could see I was trying to find a way out of answering directly.
I had to give him something to chew on. Not everything, but something.
I dropped my eyes when that blue stare became too much, watching my hands while I answered, slow and warily, 'The map was not… The map was only part of it. My mission is not done.' (I carefully danced around the bit where my map tattoo was never meant to be my purpose in the first place.)
There was a pause as this sunk in. A slow sigh left Thorin, like this was exactly what he expected. Then there was silence as he considered my response, and I could tell he was worried about why I was here if the map wasn't the only reason.
"What is the rest of your mission then, if the map was only part?" he asked in an equally guarded way, confirming my thoughts.
'To help you on the quest…' I said, trying to keep my face neutral and failing miserably. Staring at my hands instead of meeting his eyes was probably the majority of the giveaway, but my nerves wouldn't cooperate, wouldn't allow me to meet his eyes. Attempting to portion out information when you have someone as persistent as Thorin Oakenshield on the case is basically impossible.
The king took a step and angled himself in such a way that, unless I wanted to just stare at his chest, I had no choice but to look up. So I did. Once my gaze was stuck on his, he asked one simple thing: "With what, Miss Hollander?"
My mouth was quite dry at this point. I stood there like a deer in the headlights (my default, apparently), and tried to gather my thoughts while he was so close to me, questioning about these delicate matters. Recalling that I was the one who sought him out this time, I felt even more idiotic. I wanted him to understand that I wasn't just going on this quest for shits and giggles, but I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. It wasn't like I wanted them to have to save my neck again. It wasn't like I wanted to be the weak link, right next to Bilbo – and even then, I knew that Bilbo would eventually become a real asset to the Company. Meanwhile, where was I? What purpose could I have in their eyes without explaining the truth?
Such an elongated pause, while Thorin was already struggling to maintain his patience, was not the best thing to happen. He backed up with a huff as the calm finally slipped. Glaring in the direction of the study below, visibly thinking at 90 miles per hour, Thorin was done waiting for me to answer.
"As I have already said, I will not take back your place in my Company," he stated brusquely, adding with finality, "However, if your secrets endanger my kin or this quest – that is the end of it."
Thorin brushed past me, the smoky scent of his pipe wafting after him. I was left to cringe at how that whole thing had gone.
I wished I could just tell him everything and be done with it, but knew better than to do such a stupid thing. He would either think I'd lost my marbles, or it would be so crazy it would become plausible. I couldn't tell him yet, no matter how bad I felt about remaining secretive when he really had been making an effort to work with me on this.
I trudged back to my room to gather my thoughts quickly, knowing that Fili and Kili were still waiting for me. It was tempting to just say fuck it and go jump into bed instead; revive my antisocial behavior and go back into a depression hibernation, but I couldn't do that to them. Not after I begged them to teach me how to fight.
Recalling what Nadri said about letting my wound breathe this evening, I unwrapped the cut on my arm. Honestly it didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would, but it was still healing so I tried not to poke at it too much as I headed back to the training yard, finding the two princes battling it out.
Of course, they didn't have to use sticks to fight with.
"Ah, there she is!" Kili exclaimed when he noticed me from the corner of his eye. His sword narrowly caught Fili's because of the distraction, giving me a heart attack when there was no reason to worry. They expertly used the pressure from the move to skim their blades away from each other and down to their sides as they greeted me.
"And how did your word with our uncle go?" Fili asked, like he already knew the answer.
I just grimaced.
Kili gave a chuckle as he spun his sword once to be a show-off as he said, "Not to worry. I'm sure he'll come around once you're a master swordsman."
"I believe it would be swordswoman, Kee. Have a little respect," Fili joked and winked at me, knowing very well I wouldn't take offense over such a silly thing. "Besides… I think it might take more than the length of this quest for her to become a master."
Nodding, my frown became exaggerated as I pointed to Fili in agreeance.
"Oh? You too doubt our lady? Speaking of having a little respect!" Kili responded to his brother, spinning his sword again, too enthusiastically, and nearly dropping the damn thing. He recovered well enough, casually continuing like nothing happened, "Well I say we have a duel. If no one else will do it, I shall defend Jenna's honor."
'My honor is doomed,' I signed with a blank face.
Fili snorted, but ultimately wound up snickering anyway, leaving Kili to blink back and forth between us.
"Now I – I know you said something about your honor! What was that last part?" Kili asked worriedly.
Fili shook his head, containing his smile as he said, "Doesn't matter. We should begin while there's enough light for her to properly follow our actions."
Grudgingly, Kili let whatever the joke was slide, even if he did keep a suspicious eye on us.
They traded out their swords for daggers on my behalf, and started practice similar to the way we had done earlier. Their forms weren't in need of correcting, though, and they were able to get the battle going right away, pausing every now and again to ask me if I had seen a flaw in some move one of them had done. Obviously, I didn't, because their fighting was A) too fast, and B) pretty friggin' great in my eyes.
As cliché as it sounded, it was like a dance. One brother would move in with a sweep of his blade, and the other would retaliate, a metallic knick sounding out if the daggers collided. Whenever it was clear that I didn't catch a certain move, they worked together re-create the scenario, explaining it as they went, and sometimes pulling me up to make me use my stick to follow along.
While training was interesting (and fun, even, with the way that Fili and Kili were), my mind kept wandering to the situation with Thorin.
I wasn't sure what was bothering me so much, either. Was it just the fact that he didn't trust me? Because if that were the case, then I had to remember that Thorin didn't trust a lot of people. I was just one more drop in that ocean. This quest could continue on and he could never trust me and I could probably still save their lives, but… I didn't want that. I didn't want him to think I was up to no good the entire time.
Maybe it was just bothering me because a whole month had gone by, and I thought maybe I had gained a sliver of his trust, but of course, he just saw it as a month of me not divulging my secrets. A month of not trusting him with my true purpose, and therefore, a month of not gaining back any trust in return.
I sighed, glad that Fili and Kili were making too much of a ruckus to hear it.
There was really no easy way out of this, was there?
Our training was interrupted only by dinner – which was significantly less awkward than lunch, I might add. Gandalf and Elrond were back to eat at their little separate table, and though Thorin seemed to be less irritated now that a few hours had passed, I didn't go testing the waters. He ate over with our host and I gladly kept my eyes away from that direction as much as possible.
Once dinner had gone by with no trouble, evening was rapidly setting in, but I wanted to get a bath before it became too much later. My initial bath in Rivendell had been… hard to enjoy. What with the blood. And the shock. One of those being significantly harder to wash off than the other. Either way, I let Fili and Kili know, pointing out Nadri when we passed her in the hall, and they translated my request.
A proper bath was exactly what I needed. The warm water was calming, the minty scent of the soap I picked out filling my nostrils. My eyelids flickered a few times before it hit me just how tired I was. I hadn't gotten much sleep these last few nights, and I didn't fancy drowning, so I forced myself up out of the tub sluggishly, not really wanting to leave the cozy temperature.
Nadri, doll that she was, had apparently gone through the trouble of finding me a casual nightgown to borrow. (I supposed my t-shirt and sweats did look pretty rough, all things considered. They weren't made for the same kind of usage as the clothing here, so wearing them 24/7 was taking its toll.) The sleepwear she found appeared borderline maternity, but that might have been all that was available given my differing figure. Still, I put it on, realizing with some glee that if fit better than the blue dress from before, having shorter sleeves that actually stayed on my shoulders without fighting them. Just a comfortable, plain white nightgown. Seemed like Nadri was catching on.
Regardless of how comfortable the clothing, though, sleep was still hard to come by.
My determination to rejoin the quest did nothing to get rid of the nightmares. They didn't magically disappear just because I changed my mind and found my motivation again, allowing me to sleep soundly with dreams of kittens and cookies. Of course not. I was still plagued by the memory of Gavin's screams, of having him ripped apart right above me. I still saw Jean with his knife at my throat, and I definitely still saw the possible future of my friends dying on the battlefield. The only difference now was that I actually tried to save them in the dreams. The failure in those was actually worse, somehow.
I stared at the ceiling with my heartbeat in my ears, waking for the millionth time. The ceiling was doing nothing for me, however, making me wish it was… Well.
Sliding out of bed, I put on my slippers in a half-asleep daze and headed out the door. I tried to recall what turns I needed to take, my brain not functioning correctly, but by some miracle, I still found it. The little garden I came to the previous night. The stone bench at the end, while not a comfy mattress by any means, still had its lovely view of the stars. With the moon out, the view was even better.
I laid down on my back, same as before, watching the little glittery specks up above. As expected, the twinkling, vastness of the sky and its unfamiliar constellations set me at ease, lulling me to sleep…
"So you got all the paper work done? Finally?"
"Yep."
"What's her name again?"
"Fiona."
"Like… from Shrek?"
"Well… yeah, but I don't even know if she's seen Shrek."
"Who hasn't seen Shrek?!"
That laugh. Oh, I missed that laugh. "She's a little young for it in my opinion, but who knows what her other family let her watch."
"…Aunt Laura?"
"Yeah, honey?"
"Will you still… I mean, you'll still be able to see The Hobbit with me when it comes out, right?"
"Of course! Why wouldn't I?"
"Well… with Fiona around, are we still gonna be able to do fun stuff like that?"
"Jenna, sweetie, look at me – I'm not like your mom, okay? I told you I would go see The Hobbit with you, and I will, no matter what. Pinky promise."
Birds were chirping nearby. My eyelids were a warm hue from sunlight hitting me, and I rolled over, grabbing my pillow and tangling myself further into the soft bliss. I slept like a rock for the first time in forever, dreaming of my Aunt instead of blood and Wargs. It was so nice that I never wanted it to end, but I could feel my feet getting too warm in the sheets. I frowned, blearily opening my eyes in confusion as I ran this through my head again. Sheets…? Sheets meant… bed?
Blinking, I sat up quickly and realized the sunlight was coming from the window of my guest room, as was the chirping of the birds. I wasn't outside, where I fell asleep. I mean, I certainly didn't remember coming in last night, but that didn't rule out a midnight zombie walk.
Thinking maybe I had just been too tired to recall returning to the room, I began to wiggle out of bed when I felt something tickle my hand. Raising it up to investigate, I realized with triple the bewilderment that there were several hairs tangled between my fingers. Long, wavy black hair, at that. Upon closer inspection, I spotted a few grays as well.
This didn't click right away, leaving me to stand and walk over to the long table in front of the mirror to grab my clothes so I could get dressed. Disentangling the hairs from my hand, I mentally went over who I knew with black, wavy, slightly gray hair.
Suddenly my fuzzy brain was clear, waking me up thoroughly as I realized there were only two options: Bifur and, of course, Thorin. Even then, most of Bifur's grays were in his beard, and were coarser than these that I had found. Really, I knew who they belonged to. I just didn't want to consider the possibility of Thorin having carried my big 'ole butt back to bed. I weighed too much for that nonsense! The idea alone was mortifying and implausible, but recalling the weight of Fili's swords, and knowing Thorin was used to hauling weapons that were just as heavy… While implausible, I supposed it wasn't impossible.
Why would he bother though?
As this puzzle was struggling to fit together in my head, I worried that I was going to have to talk to Thorin again. After yesterday, I was certain that he would want very little to do with me, and to keep our interactions at the ally level and not the friend level. This was right on up there with patting my back while I cried, though. This was… well, this was really nice.
My face was warm and I looked up into the mirror, noticing with annoyance that my cheeks were a little red. Then, frowning again, stepping closer to the mirror as my eyes widened, I noticed something more significant.
Yeah, the massive bruise on my face?
Gone. Just… gone.
I inspected my neck, looking for the leftover fingerprints of Gavin – also gone. Vanished. Like it never happened. My disorientation at the already complicated situation was too much, but then I thought of something, looking down at my arm slowly…
A sliver of a scar was all that remained of my cut. The shiny pink line ran across, under my tattoo, a reminder of my first day in Middle Earth.
I could only stare.
What the hell happened last night, Thorin?!
Just as a disclaimer – I am not a professional fighter, therefore any training Jenna receives is not to be taken as gospel, because it's mostly from Youtube. If you are, in fact, a professional, please inform me if I've made a mistake.
Again: I want to thank you guys for being so patient and understanding when it comes to my sporadic uploads. My life will be hectic, but I'm not gone! Not by a long shot!
But yeah! Let me know what you guys thought of the chapter. Was the pacing alright? What was your favorite part? Reviews give me so much motivation, and feedback of any kind is appreciated. It keeps me going and brightens my life, tbh. :)
I love you guys!
Until next time~!