Title: Our Last Days
Category: TV Shows » Rizzoli & Isles
Author: Alwaysbringback-up
Language: English, Rating: Rated: K
Genre: Suspense/Friendship
Our Last Days
Chapter 21: The Future Looks Good
Pairing: Jane/Maura
Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the R&I universe. All characters belong to Janet Tamaro. I promise that my writing is done purely for recreational purposes only. No ill harm is intended.
A/N: Hey, guys! First of all, I would like to apologize to you guys. I couldn't believe it when I got a review asking if I ever planned on finishing this story, because it had been a year since my last update. A YEAR! God, I am so embarrassed that I lost track of that much time. And I honestly don't know, how many of you guys will still be around to read this story after all that time, but I decided that I owed it to myself -and to those of you that did stick around- to update this story today. It took me the better part of a day to re-read this story, and get my bearings, before I even wanted to attempt to continue. Otherwise I probably would have started writing the second I got that review. I honestly have no idea if my writing is any good after all this time of not writing, but here it goes anyways…
Also, for the record, I want to say how flattering it is to get a review from people who haven't forgotten a story that I myself had just about given up on. Not only does it remind me that I still have unfinished business, but it also makes me feel really grateful. It matters a lot to me that this story is important to you. So I would like to dedicate this chapter to that Guest who sent me the review! I truly hope that you're reading this now! I have so much love for you guys! *hugs* I hope you enjoy.
Maura's eyelids drooped lower and lower over her eyes as her head leaned gently back against the pillows. The lights in the room were bright enough to read by, but weren't overtly obtrusive to Maura's eyes. Sure, Maura's eyes were a bit sore, but that was mainly because her hours of sleep came few and far between now. Maura relaxed, as her hand sought out Jane's. These days it felt as if she was in constant need of the other woman's comfort. Maura had been reading Treasure Island to Jane, seemingly cuddled up to the woman for hours, before she finally felt she might be tired enough to actually get a few hours of shut eye. Maura could feel Jane's warm, solid body at her side, as she readjusted on the bed, in order to make sure she didn't fall off in her sleep. As she settled in, she glanced up to the clock mounted on the far wall above the door. It was in the wee hours of the night, and she'd been up for a long time now, just trying to hold onto some sense of normalcy. She hated that this had become the new normal. After all, it didn't seem fair that this was the best she could hope for. Although she loved being near Jane, it wasn't the same when the brunette wasn't able to respond to her. Maura had become so used to their banter, and the way they would often throw words back and forth, that it didn't seem right for the brunette to be completely mute. Even so, Maura found herself talking to the other woman, as if Jane could hear her and just as easily make some sort of quip to throw back at Maura. One of these days, Maura could only hope that that would happen. After all, Jane was far more than an empty shell, despite all current evidence to the contrary. In fact, she was sure that Jane could hear every word of hers. Perhaps the brunette was just saving up her responses, and would overload Maura with them once she finally awoke.
It had been days since they'd transfused the antibodies into Jane's bloodstream, and there still hadn't been any significant change. It probably didn't help matters that the infusion had gone anything but smoothly. But fortunately, the doctors had quickly gotten everything under control. Maura let out a soft sigh, as she lost the battle and gave over to her fatigue. She let her eyelids close over her eyes, and let out another relaxed breath.
The next awareness that Maura had of anything at all came in the form of something that Maura didn't quite expect. The second that she saw Jane in front of her, she knew she had to be dreaming. It was only a dream, but she didn't care.
"Wait," Jane pleaded, as she gently pinned Maura against the wall. Maura felt a moan slip from her lips, as she felt the detective's sure hands take over. She felt extremely overwhelmed by it all, after being dropped into such a fantasy without warning. But Maura wasn't about to try and change anything at all. If this was the best she could hope for- some sort of dream where she could have Jane- then you had better believe that she would take it. Jane kissed Maura again, a slow transformative kiss, as the honey brunette's top was slowly raised and collected by the brunette's eager and insistent hands. Jane kissed her slowly and passionately as if they had all of the time in the world. It made Maura feel special.
"You're so beautiful." The breathless words that Maura had longed to hear from her best friend for so long, had a surprising effect as Jane's warm breath ghosted over the skin on the Maura's neck, sending a shiver rocketing down her spine. Maura squeezed her eyes shut, letting her head drop back against the wall, as a quavering breath fell from her parted lips.
The honey brunette could hardly think straight as Jane's hands continued in their quest over her body. Maura moaned, as her body became wrought with a slew of overwhelming sensations. Jane's lips and fingers seemed to be lighting her on fire, and she couldn't seem to fight it. Maura bit down hard on her tongue, stifling her cries as Jane's fingers started to etch patterns into her skin- nonsensical patterns with no beginning and no end.
Maura could feel Jane's lips on her neck, and her pulse was starting to race out of control. She was pinned against the wall, with Jane's body pressing eagerly into hers. And she couldn't breathe. Maura couldn't breathe because she was so very overwhelmed by the feel of Jane's hands on her. She'd waited for this moment for so long… forever it seemed. And now? Now she wanted to just take it all in. It was crazy how something years in the making could happen so very fast. And for whatever reason, this moment seemed to be going by faster than them all. Maura felt desperation as she realized that didn't want to miss anything. She had to remember it all, just in case this was all she ever got. Maura moaned again as her body responded to Jane. She fought it, squeezing her eyes shut as she tried to memorize everything. Jane's lips felt so good on her skin. Her hands felt so right clasped tightly around her hips. Jane's lips were soft and insistent. They were applying just the right amount of pressure. She could feel the passion, and the sort of desperation behind each of the brunette's touches. They made Maura hungry in a way that the blond had never hungered for anyone before. Her entire body seemed to be crying out to be taken. The painful throbbing in her core seemed to be growing worse by the moment.
"Jane," her breath hitched. And though it was barely more than a whisper, she could still hear the plea in it. "Jane, wait. Please!" Maura took a deep breath, and then reached down to stop the progress of Jane's hands. After all, she was keeping her from coherent thought, and she needed to think. Jane, sensing something was wrong, immediately pulled away with her deep brown eyes full of concern.
"What is it?" Maura could tell that Jane already thought she had done something wrong.
"I-I'm sorry," the flush of embarrassment on Maura's cheeks grew darker as she pulled away. "I'm sorry. I just. This is all happening so fast."
She felt Jane pull away, looking as if she felt guilty.
"I'm sorry," she apologized, meeting Maura's eyes. "I- thought that this was what you wanted. I can be such a-," Maura silenced Jane with a finger to the brunette's lips.
"It's not your fault," Maura breathed. "Jane, I-I do want this. It's just- It's all happening so fast and I don't want to miss anything and I…"
"Okay," Jane nodded softly in understanding, her eyes never leaving Maura's. "It's okay, Maur. We- We don't have to do this. Nobody says we have to do this." Maura stared back into the eyes of a woman she loved and trusted more than anyone in the world. Jane's dark eyes twinkled, even in the dim light. Maura hated that she could see the pain and rejection in them, although she knew that Jane was doing her best to conceal it. "How about we just cuddle for a while and take a nap?" Jane suggested finally. "Sex is overrated anyways," she added with a twitch of a comforting smile.
"That's not true," Maura replied with a mischievous glint in her eyes before she realized what J had been trying to do.
"No. It's not," Jane replied with amusement. "I was just…"
"Trying to make me feel better," Maura finished for her, with a soft kiss to Jane's lips. "Yeah. I know." Maura couldn't stop the sigh that came from her lips as she saw a tinge of regret shine through in Jane's eyes. Feeling the need to reassure her, she slowly reached out for Jane's hand, twining their fingers together. "Jane, I…"
"It's okay," Jane interjected softly. "Maur, you don't have to explain. Really. It's okay." Maura just shook her head.
"But I want to explain," Maura persisted. "Because I know you and I know what you're probably thinking right now. And it's not. It's not you. It's me." Jane swallowed, trying to find the right words. "I meant what I said when we started this, when I kissed you. Jane, I love you."
"I know that," Jane smiled, while reaching out to caress Maura's face. She felt her cheek burn against her palm, and squeezed her eyes shut. Maura ceased to breathe as Jane stepped forwards, nuzzling her ever so gently. She knew it was Jane's way of showing affection. She held the taller woman close, breathing her in. Maura felt her heart begin to sputter in her chest. It had been beating wildly for what already seemed like an eternity. From the very first touches, her body had been aching for her. Now she was with Jane, and her own fears and insecurities were keeping her from the one thing she'd been waiting for, for so long. It seemed ridiculous really, but she just couldn't help it. "I meant what I said too. I love you too, Maur." Jane's warm voice confessed. "I always will."
"You've been so patient," Maura found herself saying. "and wonderful. I… I can't even begin to tell you just how much." Maura's throat felt constricted as she thought about Jane and the way she'd always been there for her. Sure, for a while between them, things had been about as bad as they come. But somehow, they'd made it through together, their relationship in tact. And it seemed as if they were all the better for it.
"God, I love you so much," Maura breathed, pulling Jane in for a passionate and expressive kiss. The honey brunette moaned as Jane's hands moved over her stomach. When Jane pulled away, she followed after her, pressing her body against the brunette's lean muscular torso.
"Maur," Jane spoke breathlessly. Maura moaned again, her body and mind so full of want that she could not seem to bear it. "We should slow down. No rush, remember?"
"But God, I want to," Maura confessed into Jane's ear, her hand tangled in the brunette's unruly strands. "I want this so much…" Jane pulled away, thinking that Maura might just be playing with her. But when Jane met her eyes and saw the desire evident in twin hazel pools, she knew Maura wasn't playing. She finally understood. Maura was torn. Maybe the older woman was right. Maybe Jane had just been moving too quickly. Maybe if Jane just slowed down a little bit, then they could both get what they needed so desperately.
"You sure?" Jane asked with slight bewilderment.
"Yes," Maura replied honestly. Jane swallowed, then kissed her again. Maura kissed her back, her body responding in every way that it could. A moan escaped from Maura's mouth as Jane's tongue reached out to tangle with hers. She encouraged the contact and Jane ran her hands under Maura's shirt, grazing her stomach. Then, Jane surprised her, when the brunette's hands just stopped and settled there.
"Jane?" Maura questioned as she waited for the brunette to move.
"What happened to you wanting to take things slowly?" Jane chided teasingly.
"It changed the moment I realized just how long I've waited for this already," Maura told her, "The truth is, I don't think I can resist you any longer. It's been killing me."
"I'm glad," Jane whispered as she slid her warm hands under Jane's top to caress her stomach. "Because- I don't think that wait much more either. But let's just slow down a little and enjoy all of this, shall we?" Jane kissed her again, this time the kiss was even more drawn out than before. Maura's small hands quickly relieved Jane of her coat, slipping it from her shoulders and onto the bathroom floor.
"I want this… I need this," Jane breathed as Maura kissed her again. In a sort of dance, Maura and Jane relieved each other of their clothes. Jane gasped as Maura's hands moved to the button of her pants and brushed against the taught muscles in Jane's abdomen. In another kiss, the jeans were sliding down Jane's narrow hips and onto the floor. Jane stumbled out of the fabric with a deep chuckle, and laughed even louder she tripped and fell deeper into Maura's arms. Jane let out a moan as Maura's lips brushed the salty skin at the base of Jane's tanned, muscular neck. Jane pulled away in order to slide her own shirt over her head. She tossed it away without another thought, before unclasping her bra and discarding it as well. In a breath, Jane was slipping her hand around Maura's neck and pulling the older woman closer. Maura moaned as their bare chests brushed together for the first time. Sensations from sensitized and heated skin sent shivers up both of their spines.
"And to think of how long I've waited for all of this," Jane told her between hungry kisses.
"Was it worth the wait?" Maura couldn't help but ask.
"Yes," Jane answered without hesitation. "The truth is, I would wait forever, a thousand lifetimes, because it's you. I've only ever wanted you, Maura."
"Well, it sure took you long enough to tell me," Maura joked.
"Says the woman who waited until I was on my deathbed to decide that she wanted me," Jane shot back shamelessly.
"Yeah, well I truly am sorry about that," Maura told her, as tears built in her eyes.
"I know you are," Jane told her, her voice full of a depth and sincerity that made Maura feel immense comfort. "Hey, don't be sad, Maur. I was just kidding about that."
"I love you," Maura breathed as she pressed another kiss to Jane's lips. "I love you and I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Jane kissed her back just as passionately, "I love you, too."
"I know this is bad timing, but I feel like there's something that I need to say something to you," Maura told her after the kiss broke, "And I don't want to miss out on my chance to do so."
"Go ahead, Maur," Jane told her, "I'm listening."
"I-" Maura almost couldn't make herself do it, but then she remembered that she needed this closure. And Jane deserved it to. "I was so angry with you, when I woke up and found out what you had done."
"I thought you would be," Jane spoke sadly, her desire for Maura giving way to emotions that were much more serious. "Actually, scratch that... I knew you would be."
"The truth is, I was furious, I wanted to scream at you for taking the choice away from me," Maura told her. "And for making your own. But then I realized that I couldn't fault you for it."
"You don't?"
"No," Maura shook her head. "God, I can't believe that we're having this conversation, standing here with most of our clothes off, but I had to get this out while I had the chance. I'm not mad at you anymore, Jane. I never was. I was just hurt by the fact that I might never see you face to face again like this. It hurt that I knew that I would never get to see you smile, or the way your eyes brilliantly sparkle like opals in the sunlight. I couldn't bear the thought that I might never hear your laughter again. But then I realized, you must've been feeling the same way."
"I couldn't...I couldn't bear to lose you," Jane said thickly. "Maura, I was so scared of losing you. I was selfish. There's no other way I can try to justify what I did apart from that. I was faced with two choices, neither of which were the least bit desirable, and I made the easier choice for me. I decided that I would rather die, than watch you waste away in front of my eyes and I am so so sorry for that."
"I know," Maura told her, her own voice thick with the so many words she wanted to say. "I understand. I understand, Jane. I understand it all, and I just want you to know that I forgive you." Maura felt her heart break as Jane's throat tore itself open in a broken sob. "Hey, come here," Maura soothed as she pulled Jane closer and buried her face in the brunette's neck. Maura wrapped her arms around Jane's quaking shoulders and just hung on for dear life. "I love you. I love you, Jane. And I promise you, It's okay. It's going to be okay." She held Jane tightly against her as the taller woman sobbed in to her neck. Maura kept hearing Jane say the words I'm sorry over and over again with the deepest remorse. It was as if the brunette could say it over and over again a million times, and it still wouldn't be enough to assuage her guilt for what she'd done. The funny thing about it all, was that Maura truly did understand. They weren't just words she had spoken. She felt them, at the very core of her entire being. Because Maura knew that if she had been faced with the same choice, that she would have chosen Jane's life over her own. They each would have chosen the other over themselves. That's what made it all so heartbreaking.
She could feel warm puffs of air against the skin there as the brunette's own shoulders shook wildly in her hold. It took a long time for the brunette to calm down, but Maura didn't care. All that mattered to her, was in making Jane feel safe and loved, both things that she felt were so important. Finally, Jane's breaths evened out. They stood there embracing in the cool air of Maura's bathroom, completely shirtless. But there wasn't one bit of sexual desire clouding either of their thoughts. Their embrace wasn't the least bit sexual in nature, but instead was one of mere comfort and compassion. Those thoughts and feelings of desire had long dissipated between them, and had instead transformed into something so very different. Part of Maura hated that she'd traded away her only chance at gratification, but the other part - the majority- of her didn't even care. Friends were what they were, first and foremost, and if she was honest the other stuff should always come later, much later. All Maura cared about was that they'd been able to offer each other some comfort. After all, even that hadn't been possible in what seemed like weeks.
"God," Jane laughed, as she gained control over her feelings once more. "I don't think that I can move at this point."
"I'm not so sure that I can either," Maura admitted after a long moment, "I'm not sure that I want to." This earned a punctuated laugh from the both of them.
"Well, whatever are we going to do then, Detective?" Maura asked Jane then, as she pulled back and they locked eyes.
"Well, I suppose we could just stay like this forever," Jane told her. "I certainly wouldn't mind that."
"Mmm," Maura hummed gently as she let her head drop back onto Jane's shoulder and she closed her eyes. "I really like the sound of that."
"Maur," Jane sighed. "As much as I would love to spend an eternity with you like this, I don't know how long it'll last. I mean, at some point something is going to change. Either we'll get too cold, or I'll lose the ability to hold us both up and we'll crash to the floor. Or you'll- you'll wake up."
Maura let out a sharp breath as reality came crashing back down on her once more. The weight of it felt like it might very well crush her.
"Oh god," Maura breathed. "I- I think I actually forgot what this was."
"You didn't though," Jane spoke in disbelief. "You didn't actually think this was reality, did you? Cause, Maur, I hate to break it to, but I'm still…" Jane let her voice trail off as she realized that she couldn't do it. She couldn't shatter Maura's world like that. Not now, after what they'd just shared.
"You're still in a coma," Maura finished for her, her voice sounding profoundly sad. "And I'm merely dreaming."
"Well, yeah," Jane told her. "But I'll remind you. That doesn't make what is happening between us any less real. Of course, I- I think that when this happens in real life, it'll be even better. But- if this is all that we get for now, then it's more than enough for me."
"It is enough," Maura told Jane seriously as she pulled back, and took Jane's mouth in another deep, searing kiss, attempting to leave a lasting mark on the brunette, even if it is only a pair of kiss-swollen lips. "Jane, just a moment with you is enough. I love you, and I'll wait an eternity to be with you, if I have to."
"Hopefully, you won't have to wait that long," Jane told her. "I know that you might not believe me when I say this, but I'm feeling stronger, Maur, a lot stronger than I was even a day ago. Being here with you, seeing you again like this, it's- it's everything."
"You're right," Maura said honestly, "I don't know if I believe you, but i think that's just cause these last few weeks have made me harder somehow- more cynical."
"God I hate that this has made you that way. I hate that I've made you that way," Jane said as her voice cracked harshly on her words. Tears sprang abruptly to Jane's eyes again, unheeded, as she let herself feel profound sadness, and she had to fight them back. Maura had always been the more optimistic of the two of them, and Jane didn't ever want her to lose that. "Maur, I need you to promise me something…"
"Anything," Maura told her sincerely and honestly as she reached up to wipe away a runaway tear from Jane's cheek.
"Don't let this make you a cold person, Maur," Jane said thickly. "If I don't wake up soon, you need to resume your own life. You need to move on. And if it comes to it, you need to let me go. I don't want to be in a coma forever. I don't want to live off of fake sustenance and fake breaths of air. I think you know that."
"I do," Maura whispered, as she squeezed her eyes shut. "I do know that, but I'm not ready. I'm not ready to say goodbye yet."
"And that's okay," Jane responded with a squeeze of Maura's body against her own. "You don't have to be. But soon…soon I think you will ready to say goodbye. And I don't want you to feel guilty anymore. Sometimes life just deals you a shitty hand, and you have no control over it. Don't dwell on it. Just do the best that you can, and hold onto the good stuff."
Maura felt the scene flicker in front of her. Her heart rate began to quicken, as she quickly found herself between two places. "Jane!" she gasped, the word full of desperation and panic, that made Jane's heart squeeze in empathy.
"Shh…It's okay, Maur," Jane told her as she held onto Maura even more tightly, "It's gonna be okay. We knew this would happen. You're just waking up."
"I don't want to go," Maura told her honestly. Jane pulled Maura into another searing and lingering kiss, as they both clung to one another, not wanting to be separated. Jane squeezed her own eyes shut as she focused on the feel of Maura's lips on hers. Finally the kiss broke. For a long moment, the only sound between them was their own breathing, but then another voice entered the mix.
"Maura," Frankie's voice sounded like it was a million miles away, but it was solid- it was real.
"I know that you don't want to leave," Jane told her as she met Maura's eyes. "But it's okay. It's okay, Maur."
"No," Maura cried. "I don't- I can't- I can't leave you like this. Not again."
"Yes you can," Jane told her. "Look, if it makes you feel any better, I'll try to follow after. I will!"
"You promise?" Maura asked.
"Year, Maur, I-" Jane's voice cut off harshly, as Frankie shook her awake. Maura jumped back to consciousness with a jolt. A jolt strong enough, in fact, that it almost made her fall out of bed. She would have, too, if Frankie's hands hadn't been there to catch her.
"Easy, Maura," Frankie told her as he steadied her and held her still. "I'm sorry that I had to wake you like that, but I'm freaking out over here."
"Why?" Maura asked groggily as she reached up to run a hand over her face, trying to rub the sleep from her eyes, "Frankie, what on earth is going on?"
"Maura," Frankie said imploringly, waiting for her to catch on.
"Why are you freaking out?" Maura asked again, as she pushed herself into a seated position. They both jumped when the book slipped from her lap, and fell. This time, however, Frankie wasn't able to react fast enough. The book hit the floor with a loud thud.
"Her eyes are open!" Frankie exclaimed, as he pointed at his sister's form on the bed. "Jane's eyes are open, Maura!"
Maura turned without thinking, her eyes falling on Jane's face. Then she discovered what Frankie had been trying to tell her, and she jumped backwards out of the bed with a squeal of surprise. Frankie had to catch her again, in order to keep her from plummeting to the floor in her haste. She felt a painful tug, as he caught her under the arms and tried to steady her, before she ultimately became ready to try and stand on her own. Finally, he loosened his hold on her. He did so incrementally at first, first making sure that Maura was able to support her own weight, before he finally removed his hold on her altogether.
"Okay," Maura exhaled breathlessly, between heaving erratic breaths as she tried desperately to calm her racing heart. She cleared her throat as she was forced to try again. This time, she tried to put enough force behind her words to actually make a sound. "Okay, It's- It's nothing to be alarmed by. I assure you, this is completely normal."
"Then why are you freaking out?" Frankie asked her. "Jesus, Maura, you look like you've seen a freaking ghost."
"I just wasn't expecting this at all," Maura told him. "Honestly, when you first told me, I thought you were messing with me, but now? She's waking up Frankie."
"Should I get the Doc?" Frankie asked.
"I don't know," Maura shook her head as she moved closer to the bed. She reached out for Jane's hand. "You probably wouldn't know this, but patients coming out of a coma typically respond to light first, then pain, and touch, and finally words- like following commands. Sometimes it takes them days, or even weeks to gain full cognition. But I'm hoping it won't take that long, given that Jane never sustained any brain injury. Still, maybe we should call in Dr. Berman. I'm sure he'd want to know right away." Frankie turned to leave, but Maura called him back. "Wait!" Maura called after him, "Has she blinked at all? Or moved at all, apart from posturing?"
Frankie laughed. "I have no fucking clue what posturing is, Maura," Frankie told her. "I think she's blinked a few times, but when I said her name- screamed it really- she didn't react to me in any way."
"That's okay," Maura told him in turn. "Like I said, that's one of the last things to come, but we'll get there."
"What about touch?"
"Hand me that ice water," Maura told him. "Excessive cold often activates pain receptors in the skin." Frankie held out the ice water for Maura, and she plucked it from his hand. She pressed the glass of ice water right against the back of Jane's hand for close to a minute before she saw what they were both hoping for. Jane's hand twitched, and Frankie just about jumped up and down in excitement. Maura quickly pulled the glass away. After all, she didn't want to cause Jane any unnecessary discomfort. She set the glass on the bedside table and turned to face Frankie.
"Holy shit! It worked!" Frankie exclaimed. "I can't believe that she could actually be waking up!"
"Frankie, go get Dr. Berman!" Maura spoke tremulously, hoping against hope that Jane would be awake soon. "And for the love of god, hurry!"
Frankie quickly disappeared and Maura let out a sob she'd been holding inside from the moment she'd awakened. She couldn't believe that Jane might be back with her soon.
"I'm so proud of you," Maura told Jane as she bent down and pressed a kiss to the brunette's forehead. "I love you, Jane. I knew you could do it." Maura brushed a stray tendril of hair from Jane's face, and let out a deep sigh. "Everything is going to be okay. I'm going to help you through whatever comes next. I promise."
A/N: So you'll have to wait a little longer for more, since that's about all I could get out in one day without going absolutely insane, but I promise that I will try to update more soon (perhaps in the next several days or so). It may be a small update, but I will try and give you a satisfying conclusion to this story in a way that doesn't make you feel cheated. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter. (All you have to do is hit that review button on your way out and say a few words!) I'll see you guys again soon!
Also, I'm embarrassed to say that I forgot what I rated the story when I wrote the update. I had to tweak things a bit to avoid a problem, but if you feel like anything is too racy let me know and I'll try to change it.