As Sam headed to the Library to talk to Daniel she thought about what she would say, how she would even approach the subject of Vala. Even more importantly the subject of Vala and Daniel. Somehow she would have to convince him to explain to her what he had actually said to Vala. What had made Vala think that he didn't respect her, let alone love her? Why had he been so angry? How had Daniel convinced Vala that there was no possibility of a change in his feelings He had refused her advances before, but Vala had interpreted his latest refusal as an ultimate and final rejection. Sam didn't feel that it was her place to convince Daniel that he did, in fact, love Vala, that she was good for him, that they did function well together in spite of their outward friction and antagonism. To those who cared for Daniel it was clear that somehow they meshed together as a couple, perhaps a fairly odd couple, but better together than apart.
It had been Jack who convinced Sam that Daniel had been happier since Vala had entered his life, that he seemed emotionally rejuvenated. The old Daniel spark was back and he was more engaged in living. Jack said that he may not have realized it yet but Vala is what he needs. And that Daniel is what Vala needs. Their relationship may turn out to be an emotional and intense roller coaster ride but that will suit them.
Daniel had loved Sha're but he was no longer the same man. He had been through so much. He had experienced so much pain, heartache, disappointment and rejection. Daniel was convinced that he was responsible for so many bad things that had happened and was therefore guilty. That every bad thing that had happened was entirely his fault.
Vala had lived through her own brushes with heartache, rejection, emotional and physical pain. And she felt her own form of guilt. Like Daniel, guilt over things that were not her fault. Things neither of them could be answerable for. They both felt they deserved to suffer. Jack's view was that Vala had managed to reach at a point in her life where she was ready to move on. To think that she did deserve a chance at love and happiness. And that Daniel was the reason why she now had hope. His worry was that Daniel was still convinced that he had not been punished enough.
It was painful for Sam to even think about Jack. After he had left SGC for Homeland Security they had begun to move forward, exploring their relationship, a relationship that had been blocked by their military situation. Then when she was at Area 51 and they had managed to get together at least every two weeks or so. Jack had made the decision to retire and it was understood that they would get married after all the dust had settled. They both were excited about seeing the shock on the faces of everyone at SGC when they broke their news. Though sometimes she suspected that Teal'c knew about them. Maybe even before the two of them did.
There were so many reasons motivating her to get them out of the damn time bubble that Sam couldn't even begin to list them. But the idea that after so many years of denial she and Jack would lose their chance at happiness was unthinkable.
Daniel wasn't in the Library so Sam went to his room, knocking loudly on his door as she called his name. Sam knew Daniel might be so wrapped up in his work that he wouldn't hear her knock. The door flew open as Daniel yelled "Vala, is that you?" He looked disappointed to see that it was Sam. But then he smiled and asked her in saying how glad he was to see her.
"Daniel, I can't believe that you missed dinner. What happened to ...?" He interrupted her question by asking what happened to Vala. She hadn't come to get him as she had promised. Was there something wrong? Avoiding that subject for the moment Sam told him about Vala's "alien" dinner.
"It was so good to hear everyone laugh. Especially Mitchell, I sometimes think that he's so close to the edge that he is in danger of losing himself. He appreciated Vala's charade most of all, comparing her cooking to that of his infamous Aunt Emma. It was fun to hear him get so excited, talking about his family, how much his mother liked Vala and that his Dad thought Mitchell made a huge mistake not grabbing Vala while he had the chance. He went on and on, talking about her pie eating and her sharp shooting skills. It was obvious how pleased Vala was to hear what his parents thought of her. She had enjoyed her time with them, and not just because it was her first real visit to an actual Earth home. I don't think that any of us realized how isolated she must have been at SGC, at times her off-mission life must have felt like she was being held captive. She may have been there of her own free will and in a pleasant environment but it still must have felt a little confining. Those few trips that I took with her to the Mall now seem so inadequate."
Daniel became very still when Sam talked about Mitchell, his family and Vala and how they had welcomed her into their lives. As Sam continued to talk about Vala's loneliness he looked a little concerned but as he listened to her next sentence his whole body jerked and a look of panic and fear crossed his face.
"I'm sure that you were aware of her situation but it was only a few days ago that Teal'c reminded the rest of us that Vala's false memories of our betrayal had never been removed. She is so good at hiding her feelings that it seems to have slipped past us all. Of course Landry and Mitchell were devastated. All of us were distressed that we had so easily and carelessly failed our friend and team mate."
Daniel shoved the information about her false memories to the back of his mind intending to examine it later, as he often did with potentially upsetting information." I still don't understand why Vala didn't come back and get me, especially since she was planning such a complicated and intricate prank."
Sam knew that it was time to start her voyage of discovery into Daniel Land. "When was the last time that you saw Vala?"
"It was just this morning. She said that she would bring me lunch since I was busy. But then you brought me lunch."
"Daniel, you did not see Vala this morning. You read a note that she taped to your door. And I am pretty sure that she never even knocked, that she quietly crept down the corridor and left her note."
Daniel looked puzzled and then picked up Vala's journal from the top of his desk. He leafed through it and as he read his notations he saw that Sam was right. There were pages of notes, including questions he wanted to ask her about their work, funny things he wanted to share with her. In addition he had carefully written down each time that he had spoken to her. The last entry was when she asked him to dinner the day after "it". Like Vala, Daniel referred to that evening in his room as "it". Confrontation sounded too harsh but argument wasn't the right word either.
"Daniel can you think of any reason why she would be avoiding you?"
"Sam everything was fine. I apologized for some things that I said to her in anger. And she forgave me and said that things would continue as they had been before." Daniel thought back on his apology "Actually, I didn't really apologize. Vala accepted the apology that she said she knew I was going to make. I suppose that might have been a little strange, but I really didn't think too much of it.'
"Daniel, maybe she was afraid that you were still angry with her and she wanted to avoid upsetting you again."
"And just why were you so angry with her? It seems as if you are often angry at her. What exactly does she do that makes you so angry?"
"Vala is impossible! She doesn't think before she acts, she is stubborn and causes trouble."
"Daniel, maybe you could you help me understand? Perhaps you could give me some specifics?"
Daniel tried his best to be clear in his explanation to Sam as to why Vala could be so unbearable. "In the Ori village she wasn't careful enough with the mayor's wife and they burned her, they burned her alive! And I had to watch and I couldn't do anything, I was helpless and useless. When the Prior brought her back to life in my arms I was furious with her."
"So it was her fault that you felt that you weren't in control of the situation? It sounds as if you weren't in control and that there was no way that you could have been. Do you have another example?"
"When the Super Gate was being formed, and I wouldn't listen to her, she just took off without a word to anyone and almost got herself killed. No one knew what had happened to her and it was no thanks to her that she didn't die."
"And then on the Ori ship when Tomin was going to shoot me she pushed me out of the way and got herself shot. She could have died!"
"Daniel, you mean to tell me that you don't see a pattern? You get angry because she put herself into positions where she either was taken away or might have been taken away from you. None of us listened to Vala about the Super Gate. She knew she was right and something had to be done right away. That is the type of thing that you used to do that would get Jack so angry with you."
"Okay Sam, those might not have been the best examples. I have a lot more reasons to be angry with Vala. Wait a minute and I'll come up with some."
"Daniel, Teal'c knows that you said some upsetting things to Vala the other night. He was hoping that you would talk to me and explain what exactly what happened between you."
"So did Vala run to Teal'c to cry on his shoulder and complain about my treatment of her?"
"Vala hasn't said anything to anyone. She tried to deny to Teal'c that anything had happened between you, but he was able to tell she was hiding something. I realized tonight that Vala had been avoiding you while trying to make you think she wasn't. She led us to believe that she was spending her time working with you in the Library. Now I can't figure out where she was and what she was doing during all those hours. Didn't you notice that she hadn't actually been around, that she wasn't involved in working on your virtual ethnographic database? She sounded so excited when she described it to us and talked about all the exciting work you would be doing together."
Daniel looked away from Sam and opened Vala's journal. "I think that down deep I must have known, but I didn't want to face it. I became angry when she wasn't here. There were things I wanted to share with her. So I kept this journal for her and have been waiting for her to return so I could give it to her."
"Daniel, I hate to say it but your anger at Vala seems to always lead back to you. You felt helpless, she didn't say goodbye to you, she didn't let you get hurt, and she wasn't here for you. If you didn't care about her, not that you would be happy if anyone was burnt alive, why would you be so angry at Vala? Why not be angry at the villagers, the prior who told them to burn her, or all of the Ori? She was the victim. It sounds to me as if you are blaming the victim. Or were you angry because she was going to abandon you, like so many others in your life have done?"
Daniel looked at Sam, aghast at what she was saying. He tried to catch his breath and try and grasp the significance of what she was saying. No matter how hard he tried to suppress the memory suddenly he could hear himself yelling at Vala, trying his best to hurt her. He was terrified of what he must have done.
"Oh my god, Sam, I think I behaved badly. I was unforgivably cruel, vicious and brutal to Vala."
"What they hell did you say to her? And why? You have to talk to me Daniel, make me understand what happened so I can help the both of you."