Chapter Twenty-One: Wizard Harvard Community College Musical
Thanks to roxyxkarkat, justifyingReality413, and a guest for reviewing.
It was just breaking dawn by the time Rose returned to the camp. Her encounter with the recluse and eccentric sage up on the cliffs of heart had left her a little rattled to say the least, therefore she was no way fully prepared for the sight that awaited her as she entered the grassy clearing.
John and Jade were snuggled up together against the fallen log. Nothing bizarre there, Weredogs are accustomed to living in packs and sleeping in piles. The truly shocking revelation were the twenty or so pirates milling about the smoking embers of a campfire with Davesprite strung up on a spit roast.
"Keep turning him." Ordered the leader of the pirates, some Johnny Cage-looking motherfucker with a pair of sweet pointed shades. "I wanna get some of that classic smoky flavor."
All the pirates laughed and the one turning the rotisserie continued to rotate Davesprite over the small flames. Rose was not in the mood for this shit.
"Unhand him, foul pirates!" She shrieked, leaping into their midst with her wands drawn. "I haven't slept all night, I nearly broke my neck climbing those damn cliffs, and now you're cooking my friend alive?! Hold on to your butts, I'm about to hex all of you into oblivion!"
"Whoa. Take it easy there, shorty. My name is Dirk." The head pirate, Dirk, said with a grin. "You must be the infamous Rose Lalonde. I've heard a lot about you."
"Then you must know that I am not one to be trifled with." Rose leveled her wands at Dirk. "I will not ask again, pirate scum. Release my friend from his delicious predicament!"
The sounds of the scuffle had awoken John and Jade, both of them saw what was transpiring and quickly jumped to their feet.
"Rose! You're back!" John exclaimed, rushing to greet his girlfriend. "Oh. I see you've met Dirk and his buddies. It's cool, babe. They're with us."
"They are with you? Then why the hell are they trying to cook my familiar?"
"It's some twisted, backwards, convoluted display of brotherly affection." Jade explained grumpily as she moved forward to rescue Davesprite. She pulled the apple out of his mouth and quickly untied him. "Are you alright, Dave? Sorry John and I were sleeping and didn't notice what was happening."
"Naw. It's all good. These guys were just kidding." Davesprite defended his brother. "It's funny, right? They were going to kill me! Haha! How ironic. Damn, my bro is the fucking coolest ever, isn't he? Gods I want to be just like him."
"Damn straight." Agreed Dirk with a sly smirk. "But hold up a second there, Werepup. Did you just call my ghostly bro here, 'Dave'?
"Yeah!" Snapped Jade. "That's his name, after all!"
"Not when he's a sprite it isn't."
"It's what he wants to be called!" Jade barred her fangs at Dirk. "He's as much of a person as you or me and treating him any less by referring to him as a 'sprite' is just barbaric!"
John exchanged a look with Rose, in which the he rolled his eyes heavenward. It was obvious to the witch that Jade and Dirk were close to blows and that tensions between them had been running hot for quite a while. She would have to step in if they wanted to get anything productive done this morning.
"You know, Harley, you don't be such a socially conscious ripsnorter all the time." Davesprite brushed some stray ash off his ghost shoulders. "I am a sprite, after all."
"You're just saying that because Dirk said it!" Jade grabbed Davesprite by the shoulders. "You're your own man, you've been that for a long time now. Don't let this prick come out of nowhere and start affecting the way you think."
"Psshh. You don't know what you're talking about, Harley."
"Since when did you call me 'Harley'?"
"Since you started calling me, Dave. Heh. That's so uncool."
"You asked me to call you Dave!"
"Alright, alright. That's enough." Rose intervened then. "You two will sort out whatever bizarre conformist issues you have later, preferably when there aren't a bunch of rambunctious pirates in our midst."
"Sailor-ninja-knights." Dirk corrected. He moved to shake Rose's hand and introduced himself fully. "Put her there, Lalonde. My name's Dirk and I'm Davesprite's long-lost, and infinitely cooler brother. May I say you look positively radiant this morning?"
"Radiant?" Rose subconsciously wrapped her arms around her middle. There was absolutely no way that her pregnancy could already be showing… could it? "That's a code-word for bloated, isn't it? How much do you know!?"
Everyone eyed Rose warily as she barked like a paranoid guard dog. John, who was by now accustomed with such dog-like behavior thanks to Jade, leaned in close and whispered in his girlfriend's ear:
"Rose, you alright? You seem a little jumpy this morning."
"I- I'm just tired, I suppose." She put a hand to her head and waited for the world to stop spinning. Pregnant. She, Rose Lalonde, was pregnant with John Egbert's child and… oh. Oh mother of god. "Move! I'm going to be sick!" She screamed as she fled to the edge of the clearing to vomit amongst the trees.
John, Davesprite, Jade, Dirk, and all of the bewildered sailor-ninja-knights stood and watched the witch dry heave for a while.
"Geez. I always knew that magical beings were eccentric, but I've never seen nothing like this." Dirk chuckled and slung an arm around John's shoulders. "You're a lucky man, Egbert. Lucky indeed."
"Yeah. I know." John chewed his lip as he stared at Rose. "I'm going to go check on her."
As he slipped away, Dirk turned to command his troops.
"Alright!" Dirk clapped his hands and motioned to all his pirate pals. "Let's use this time to break down camp. We move out in ten minutes, people!"
All the pirates did as they were told, putting out the remains of the fire, wrapping up their tents, and packing their bags for the voyage ahead. While this was happening, John was comforting Rose as best as he could, holding her hair back and rubbing gentle circles over her shoulders with his hands, and Jade and Davesprite started arguing again.
"What's your problem?" Jade demanded of him in a hushed voice. "Why are you being so rude to me?"
"This is the first time I've seen my Bro in over a thousand years." Davesprite quickly explained. "I'm trying to show him how cool I am by putting up with his bullshit. This is my only chance to impress him before he runs off again. Don't fuck this up for me!"
Jade couldn't believe her highly-sensitive ears, which could detect much higher frequencies, up to four times the distance of a human with normal hearing. Davesprite was willing to put up with this egregious abuse just to fit in with Dirk and his friends. She had never seen such an astounding display of peer pressure and, frankly, it made her almost as sick to her stomach as Rose.
"Fine. Fine." Jade folded her arms and turned away. "If you want to eat dirt to be accepted by these pricks than that's your own stupid prerogative. In the meantime, your real friends will be over here waiting."
Then she stalked over to John and Rose, leaving Davesprite alone with nothing but the swirling ball of self-directed hatred churning in his ghostly stomach.
After the sailor-ninja-knights finished cleaning house and after Rose stopped doing a fine impression of a vomit fountain, Dirk led the whole group back towards the river and to the waiting sailor-ninja-knight vessel. It was smaller than the original ferry that brought our heroes this far north, but would comfortably carry the group ahead nonetheless without any size complaints. Not to mention, Dirk's ship was famous back in the day for being one of the fastest in it's class. Our heroes would be delivered to the festival in no time at all!
However, where Rose was concerned, any second spent on the wobbly deck of the ship was a second too many. She leaned over the railing, periodically hacking up sick into the river as John stood by and kept her company.
"That sage in the cliffs didn't cast a flu spell on you, did he?" John asked, watching Rose heave once more.
"She." The witch corrected, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "And no, she didn't. The only curse she thrust upon me was that of pure knowledge."
"What sort of knowledge?"
Rose turned to John, her mouth open and prepped to drop the bombshell to end all bombshells, but suddenly caught herself. Was now really the time to inform John of his impending fatherhood? Her heart told her that John would like to be informed as quickly as possible, whilst her mind warned that such information should be dealt with carefully and at the right time.
On the deck of a pirate ship, surrounded by cackling sailor-ninjas, puking up your guts, while leaning half-way over the river, did not seem like the most opportune moment. That and a small part of Rose was hoping that the sage was mistaken in her diagnosis.
Maybe her sickness had nothing to do with the birth of life within her womb? Rose knew little about motherhood, having considered the subject to be unworthy of her time. However, the tidbits of information that she had picked up on her many quests told that witch's biology, her biology, behaved quite differently than normal humans during times such as pregnancy, due to the sheer amount of magic coursing through her veins.
Who could she talk to that knew enough adequate information about witch pregnancy? Who could she talk to that could confirm her condition?
Rose knew of no such person. She was truly and utterly alone.
And afraid.
"Hey." John's arms wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her delicately to his chest. "Are you there? I think I lost you for a second."
Rose craned her neck to look up at John. He was smiling at her, despite their predicament, despite the dribble of stubborn sick on her chin, despite everything that had ever happened to them, he was still smiling.
She didn't have to be alone if she didn't want to be. She knew then that John would understand if she came clean about her condition. He wouldn't abandon her in her time of need. However… as she looked into his eyes, she also swore that she would preserve that smile as his for as long as possible and decided to wait, for just a while longer, to tell him the truth.
Such was the selfish way of reasoning to the greatest witch ever.
"Forgive me. The sage I spoke with was a proprietor of shamanistic powers. Some of her incents have made me a little light headed, paired with my subtle case of sea-sickness, I'm afraid you're forced to witness a disturbing display at my hands." Rose sighed and pressed her forehead against John's chest. "I'll share with you the results of my side-quest soon enough, once I've had the chance to mull them over myself."
"Okay." John agreed brightly. As curious as he was, he trusted Rose to keep him informed on a need to know basis. He watched her ragged breathing slowly return to normal as she rested against him, and quietly thought of his own information yet to be shared. Namely, the curse that Yahtzee the evil woodland witch cast upon him back in chapter nineteen. "You know, Rose. There's actually something that I've been meaning to tell you too."
"Hmmm?" Rose's tired eyes had drifted close, as John's warmth slowly lulled the tired witch to sleep.
"It's not anything big, probably nothing at all really. Haha." John swallowed hard. "It's just that… during the second battle with the Fish Baron of the Sea, I was battling Yahtzee, right? And well, I don't really know how to describe it, but she sort of- I mean, this was after Davesprite saved my life and…"
"LAND HO!" Shouted a sailor-ninja-knight from the crow's nest, completely cutting off John mid-way through his terribly awkward rambly mess.
Sure enough, when Rose and John looked, they say that the boat had taken them quite suddenly to their desired destination. The shores of the Black Rock River were alight with activity, as patrons of the festival scurried to and fro. Gigantic, colorful tents dotted the grassy coast and, much to our heroes excitement, there were several large boats moored nearby, just waiting to ferry them further upstream and further towards their ultimate goal.
Dirk lowered the gangplank down to the dry land and dismissed Rose and her friends with a wave of his hand.
"Well, here you are, brother dearest." Said Dirk as Davesprite floated past. "One festival pit-stop just like I promised. I hope that you succeed on your quest, find true love, become human once more, grow spiritually, blah blah blah. You get what I'm trying to say."
The two brother's embraced and Davesprite was about to bid his long lost brother a tearful goodbye when one of the sailor-ninja-knights spoke up.
"Hey. Listen, Dirk, my man." The sailor-ninja, who shall be known as Map Guy, said. "I was talking with the rest of the boys and… well, this festival looks hype as shit and we wanna check it out."
"Fuuuuhhhh. Fine." It was impossible to tell from behind his sweet shades, but Dirk totally gave a spectacular eye-roll for the ages. "I suppose a few hours of good ol' fashion family fun won't hurt anyone."
"So you're staying?" Asked Davesprite with a perfect balance of genuine interest and feigned nonchalance.
"Yeah, I guess." Dirk slung his arm around his brother's shoulders once more and steered him down the gangplank. "But just for a little bit, don't get your brassiere all tangled up with that ghost tail of yours."
"Haha! I won't, Bro. Damn, you're so fucking cool!"
The whole group made their way through the festival, taking in all the awesome sights and sounds. As mentioned before, there were a fuck-load of tents with all sorts of bullshit going on inside of them. Jade peeked through the flap of one and saw a bunch of orcs having a lembas bread walk, the next one was full of kids playing Cluckaroo, and the one after that proved to be some kind of underground skeleton fight club.
"The first rule of skeleton fight club," Said the ring leader, as our heroes stopped to watch. "Is that you don't talk about skeleton fight club."
Anyways, the deeper Rose and the gang went into the festival, the more stuff there was to do. As Jade forced the whole team to stop for wizard churros, a nearby carnival game caught John's eye.
"Come on, Rose." He said excitedly, taking his girlfriend by the hand and pulling her along. "Look at this!"
It was one of those stupid carnival games where you throw a rock at a tower of empty mead bottles to see if you can knock them over. Everyone with half of a quarter of a brain knows that shit like that is rigged, but John being who he was, had never been to a festival like this before, let alone this particular game.
"Come one, come all, to the greatest and most non-rigged game in the world!" Boomed the game master, some Puzzle Riddleton-looking motherfucker. "Three chances, ladies and gentlemen, to see if you've got what it takes to knock over these completely empty and non-tampered mead bottles! Every winner gets a prize!"
John looked to the prizes. There was your typical garbage, giant stuffed animals and the like, but the thing that really caught his eye, was glistening golden ring that sat atop a pile of velvet cushions. Immediately images flooded his brain: him, winning the ring for Rose in a pure contest of masculinity and presenting it to her right there on the spot. The ultimate romantic gesture, the ultimate proposal.
"How much?" Asked John to the game master.
"One play for one gold coin, young lad!"
As John dove his hand into his pockets, Rose gripped his arm tightly.
"John." She hissed. "You know that games like these are nothing but shams, right? This man will bleed you dry before he parts with a single, awful prize. Our money is best spent elsewhere."
"Aw, give me one of your magical breaks, Rose." John flipped a gold coin betwixt his fingers and gave her a sly wink. "I've got this on lockdown."
Ten seconds later, the mead bottles were still standing and John was down one gold coin.
"Shit!" He cursed. "Rose, spot me another coin. I'll pay you back later, I promise."
"John…" She sighed.
"Pllleeeeassse?"
Thirty seconds later, the mead bottles were still standing and John was down five gold coins.
"Shit on my dick!" He cursed, grabbing two great fistfuls of his hair. "I can't believe it! I swore I hit them dead-on that last time!"
"Darn. That's some sorry luck, lad." The game master snapped his fingers. "Got anymore coins?"
"You bet I do! Rose, could you…"
"No." The witch growled angrily. "I'm not giving you any more of my coins. We're done here."
And before John could argue further, she had sized him by the collar and tugged him bodily away. John watched the glistening, golden ring of pure unadulterated loved fade into the distance as he retreated, and mourned it's passing.
Oh well. It was sort of a spur of the moment gamble anyways. Plus, after he went through enough money to win the damn thing, Rose would probably reject him on the spot out of pure spite. John decided it was better to wait, for when they weren't on a major quest, for when Rose wasn't acting so strangely, and when a potentially dangerous curse wasn't hanging over his head.
Shit. He'd forgotten to tell her about Yahtzee's curse again.
"I know that all of these new and exciting things must be very intriguing, but try to stay on track, John." Rose was chastising. "We need to find a boat suitable for further travel north and the only way we're going to do that is if…
"Rose Lalonde!" Shouted a voice suddenly.
Both Rose and John turned at the shout and found a familiar face scurrying towards them through the crowd. Both of the heroes were surprised, as the newcomer was none other than Chazz Limplewickle, student body president of the infamous Wizard Harvard Community College up in the Wizard Mountains back east.
"Boy, am I glad to see you guys." Beamed Chazz as he skidded to a halt in front of them. "It has been a long time, hasn't it? Might I add that you look particularly fertile this morning, Miss Lalonde?"
"Fertile?! How much do you know?!" Rose grabbed Chazz and pinned him against a nearby tent. "Talk Limplewickle!"
"Whoa! Whoa!" John jumped in and broke the two up. "Oh my golden rings. What's the matter with you today, Rose?"
The witch put a hand to her forehead, she felt hot, and dizzy too.
"I just need to sit down for a second." She muttered.
"I- uh, yeah. Yeah, of course." Taking her by the arm, John led her towards the center of the festival, where numerous tables and chairs were set up to accommodate the carnival-goers. Chazz followed.
"Forgive me, Chazz." Rose sighed as she sank into a chair graciously. "Today has been… an off day for me."
"Don't sweat it!" Chazz brushed dust from his letterman jacket. "You don't need to tell me how fucked up today has been. I'm here with the rest of the Community College as part of a field trip! We're supposed to put on a play in an hour to entertain these fine folks, but four of my actors went and caught thespian flu!"
"Thespian flu?" Questioned John.
"A terrible disease." Rose defined. "It's symptoms include glossophobia, stress fractures in the leg bones, and an unquenchable desire to wear sweaters as scarves."
"And now I'm down four principal leads!" Continued Chazz. "Listen, Rose. I know that you don't owe me and my college anything, but if you and your friends could fill-in, I'd make it well worth your while!"
Rose was halfway through dismissing the eccentric Limplewickle, but suddenly remembered the whole reason they even stopped at the conksuck festival.
"We need passage by boat north, just as far as the Emerald City."
"If you help us out here today, consider it done!" Chazz extended his hand and the two shook in agreement. "Our college comes equipped with one of the finest boneboats in all the land! We'll have you upstream in no time at all! As for now though, gather your crew and meet me by the large blue tent on the edge of the festival. The play is in one hour!"
Then Chazz scampered away, clicking his heels as he went and humming merrily to himself. John helped an unsteady Rose to her feet and supported her with a firm arm around her waist.
"Are you going to tell me what's been going on with you today?" He pressed, as they began to move through the festival once more.
"All in due time, my love." She assured him. "However, for now, let's just deal with one matter at a time."
And for the moment, John was unhappily satiated. Call it her use of the word 'love' or his excitement to participate in a real-life play, but he trusted Rose just as much as ever and followed her, without question, in search of the rest of their friends.
Just under an hour later, Rose, John, Davesprite, and Jade were stood just outside of the blue tent on the edge of the festival. Chazz was there leading them, as well as the rest of the cast, through some last-minute details.
"Where's your bro?" Jade asked Davesprite, with only a little bit of venom.
"Inside with the rest of his pals, finding a seat." Davesprite peeked into the tent nervously. The place was packed, with audience members filling almost every part of the space that wasn't occupied by the stage. "Shit. I hope I don't embarrass myself out there."
"No. I'm sure Bro would absolutely love that." Jade giggled. "I wouldn't worry though. You're a great public speaker, Dave! If anyone can put on a good show, it's probably you."
"You think so?"
"Of course!"
"You know. I bet you won't be too bad yourself, Jade."
"Thanks! I've never been in a play before either. All of this is actually pretty exciting…"
"Hey!" Chazz interjected with a shrill shriek. "You two! Casper and Marmaduke. Cut the chatter. This is my play. I wrote it, I directed it, and I'm acting in it. So don't you fucking dare ruin this for me!" He went around, passing out costumes and props to all his actors. "Here, guys. Put these on."
Davesprite looked down at his costume, a frilly dress and accompanying blonde wig.
"Yo, Limplewickle. I think there's been some mistake."
"No. There most certainly has not!" Chazz pulled out a copy of the script and shook it in Davesprite's face. "You, Davesprite, will be playing the role of Sally, the hero's fetching female companion."
"Who's playing the hero?" Questioned Rose, who already knew the answer.
"Me, of course!" Cheered Chazz. "Who else? Here John, put on this red track suit. You will be playing my faithful sidekick: Glorb!"
"Glorb?" John repeated, confused.
Jade lunged forward then and seized the script from Chazz's unsuspecting hand, quickly flipping through it. The further she got through the mysterious play, the more blood drained from her face.
"Um, Chazz?" She began. "I don't mean to be rude, but what sort of play is this? Nothing makes any sense."
"It's an original piece, of course, from the most creative recesses of my own mind." Chazz retook the script and clutched it passionately to his chest. "Everything will make sense once the ball gets rolling. Just remember your lines, don't fuck anything up, and we should get through this no problem."
"No fuck this. I'm out of here! This is bullshit! You're bullshit! Fuck everything! I'm not playing a girl!" Davesprite raised his shitty costume above his head and prepared to throw it to the ground, but was brought to a grinding halt when Rose gave a curt cough. It was such a small gesture, but it held quite a bit of weight. Not only was she the wielder of their magical tether, but she was also Rose, and that meant she could reprimand him with not so much as a glare. She reminded him silently that if they didn't go through with this, they'd never reach the dragon mistress. Davesprite sighed and lowered his arm. "Fuh. Nevermind…"
"Rose, you shall play the part of the main villain. The dangerous Tentacleila." Chazz continued, uninterrupted. "And lastly, you there Weredog. I have no idea who you are really and there are no Weredogs in this play, so you're going to be performing as the secondary male lead, Daisy's primary romantic interest: Brian."
Jade took her outfit, which was just a strange tunic covered in sparkly glitter, and exchanged a peculiar look with Rose and the rest of the gang, all of whom also had their own misgivings about this bizarre stage production. However, it was too late to back down now, as their ultimate quest currently depended on whether or not they went through with this garbage. They were making this happen.
It was time to break a leg.
Dirk and his fellow sailor-ninja-knights got front row seats to the show. As he split a large wizard popcorn and soda combo with Calendar Guy, Dirk thought back on his recent reunion with his little brother. No matter how much he liked to give Davesprite a hard time, Dirk did care for him, in like, a backwards, convoluted sort way.
He hadn't been there for him when he got turned into a ghost and trapped in a magical amulet for a thousand years, but dammit, Dirk would sure as hell be there for this lame-ass musical, after which, he would pretty much consider him and Davesprite to be even steven.
All's well that ends well I suppose.
The chatter in the auditorium died down as the lights dimmed and the currents opened to reveal little Chazz Limplewickle, all dolled up in his musical gear.
"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen." Greeted Chazz with a sweep of his arms. "To the most lucrative and well-thought-out musical performance that you'll probably see in your entire lives. I must remind you to switch your moon-stones to silent or at least put it on a vibrating setting, so as not to disturb the performers or your fellow guests. My name is Chazz Limplewickle and on behalf of Wizard Harvard Community College, I hope you enjoy my own personal creation: The Siege of Tralfmadore!"
"Ooooooh!" Exclaimed Rosie then. "Dad, I know about The Siege of Tralfmadore! That's like the most popular play ever. My school was going to perform it this fall if, you know, I didn't get expelled and everything."
"Shhh." Dave cautioned. "Keep your voice down. Your mom's sleeping in the next room. Shit. You wanna get us in trouble?"
"No. No. Sorry." Rosie pulled her covers up to her nose and spoke through the heavy quilt. "I get excited during these stories, you know that."
"Yeah. Well I don't blame you. It's pretty exciting stuff." Dave ran a swift hand through his hair. "Uh, yeah. Anyways, this was the first time The Siege of Tralfmadore had ever been performed in public. So it was a pretty landmark moment in the history of musical theater. After this performance, the land of Skaia would never be the same and Chazz Limplewickle, a now famous playwright, would go down in the history books."
"Sweet." Rosie grinned. "You never told me that you and mom could sing."
"There's a lot of things you don't know, little missy. Now, prepare yourself, this shit is about to get heavy…"
The lights brightened and the curtains drifted apart once more to open up on the first scene. John, Davesprite, and Jade, all dressed in their costumes, stood on the deck of a ship. It wasn't your average ship though, as everything was painted chrome and magical lights danced atop steel consoles.
"Space!" Boomed Chazz from off-stage. "The Last Frontier! The year is 2015 and the residents of Skaia have long-since turned their attention skywards to the endless expanse of space. We join our heroes now, as they prepare for the impending battle against the villainous Tentacleila, an evil space tyrant with the power to destroy entire planets at her disposal!"
Chazz came on stage then, garbed in a suit made entirely out of wizard duct tape that sparkled under the spotlight.
"Oh, Captain Wicard!" Said Davesprite, as Sally, in a breathy voice as he read the lines hastily scribbled on his palm. "Tentacleila's battleship approaches quickly from the Nebular Quadrant! We must arm the F-Foe…" Davesprite squinted at his hand. "The Photon Cannons? (what the fuck is this bullshit)"
The devilishly handsome Captain Wicard was a legend among men, an expert space pilot, an accomplished laser duelist, and the most womanizing womanizer you ever did see. Seriously, rumors stated feverishly that he could impregnate you from a mile away. With your consent of course.
He smirked confidently and strolled to the control panel.
"Good idea, Sally." Said Wicard as he flicked several witches. "Brian!"
"Yessir!" Saluted Jade, with a wild grin on her face. She was enjoying this role-play a little too much. "What it is?"
"Arm the main photon cannon and fire mega-slug three parsecs above Tentacleila's ship."
"As a warning shot?"
"Yes. Let's show this monster that we mean business."
Saluting again, Brian rushed around the control room, pressing all sorts of fancy switches and shit. Eventually her fingers danced over a large red button and, with a final nod from Captain Wicard, Brian pressed the switch.
A large boom rattled the control room as the photon cannon was fired. Wicard and his crew looked through the viewing window to watch the mega-shot fly clear over Tentacleila's approaching ship, the perfect warning shot.
"Sir!" Squealed Davesprite. "We're getting a message on the v-vi… Video Comms? (seriously does anyone know what the fuck is happening)"
"Glorb!" Wicard barked. "Accept the call. It's time to hear what Tentacleila has to say."
John opened his mouth and, after clearing his throat, read his lines:
"f'ai ep grah'n fhtagn, goka h'gotha gnaiih."
Everyone in the control room laughed.
"Ah, shit. Glorb." Brian wiped a tear from his eye. "You always know just what to say to lighten the mood. Haha!"
Glorb was an orphaned alien from the planet Hopodopulos. After witnessing his parent's death at the tender age of a billion, he wandered the starscape, looking for a purpose in life. Captain Wicard took him aboard as his first mate and they'd been best friends ever since.
"k'yarnak lw'nafh." Said Glorb, as the large video comm screen on the wall buzzed to life.
It fizzled and sparked before settling on a grainy image of high-tech-looking throne, turned away from the screen. A cold voice spoke beyond the chair.
"Captain Wicard." Hissed Rose in a menacing voice. "You've got a lot of nerve drifting into my quadrant like this."
"Your quadrant?!" Barked Wicard in disbelief. "This quadrant is home to the tralfamadorians that you enslaved! I have come to set them free, no matter what the costs. Surrender now Tentacleila or the next mega-slug goes right through your starboard thruster!"
The high- tech-ass throne swiveled around to reveal the horribly disgusting face of Tentacleila. She had eyes of bright yellow, skin of sickly green, and of course, there were horrible, slimy tentacles undulating grossly from where she should have had arms.
"Confident as always, Wicard." Snarled the Tentacleila. "Let's see how cocky you are, after this!"
A loud beeping noise filled the control room and Brian quickly consulted a flashing consol.
"She's fired a plasma barrage right for us, Captain!" Cried Brian with fear.
"Brace yourselves!" Commanded Wicard, as he grabbed Sally and pinned her to the floor.
The entire control room shook once more as the plasma blast struck Wicard's ship dead-on. Dust and sparks filled the room and the lights flickered as Tentacleila's maniacal laughter rang out as a garbled mess from the damaged video comm. When the dust settled and the lights returned, Sally let out a shrill scream.
"Glorb!"
Glorb, Wicard's best friend and trusty alien companion, was lying in the middle of the control room with a sharp piece of shrapnel protruding from his chest. He coughed and hacked up a glob of blue blood onto the deck as his friends rushed to his side.
"gnaiih, grah'na." Gasped Glorb with his final breath before he died.
"GLLLLLOOOOOOORBB!" Screamed Wicard to the heavens as he cradled his dying friend's head in his lap. "You'll pay for this Tentacleila! Mark my words!"
Tentacleila, who was still connected to the video call, laughed shrilly.
"I am so damn evil!" She snarled." You'll never defeat me!"
"Yes I will!" Spat Wicard in return. "Brian! Fire another photon blast…. NOW!"
"Oh my Saturn rings!" Brain gasped. "Our weapon's systems have been destroyed!"
"NooooooooooooOOOOoooo!" Wept Sally.
"I won't let you win, you stupid tentacle bitch!" Wicard shook his fist furiously as he belted. "This is only the beginning!"
"You can't beat me!" Screeched the Tentacle Bitch.
"Yes I can!"
"No you can't!"
"Yes I can!"
"No you can't!"
This went on for like two hours.
Then, the epic space battle reached it's crescendo. With Wicard's ship damaged and Glorb dead, Tentacleila had backed the heroes into the wall in which there was only one escape. Wicard and Brian armed themselves with laser swords and concocted a final, fool-hardy scheme.
"Sally," Ordered Wicard. "Prep the teleporter and set the destination coordinates for the Tentacleila's control room itself!"
"No! What are you planning!?" Sally cried.
"There's only one way out of this mess… To fight Tentacleila in close-quarters combat. Brian and I will make a final stand for our lives as well as the lives of all the enslaved tralfamadorians."
"You can't go!" Sally ran to Brian's side. "You're my love interest. I can't let you risk your life like this!"
Brian cupped Sally's face in his hands and stared into her bright orange eyes.
"No matter what happens, Sally." He said. "I'll always be with you."
Then Brian leaned in for a kiss.
Davesprite's eyes widened. Jade was coming right for him, lips puckered, eyes closed tight. The script commanded them to kiss, of course. It made sense for Sally and Brian to share a final goodbye kiss. However, at the last second, Davesprite changed course and quickly embraced Jade in a hug.
"Wow! Thank goodness hugs equate to full make out sessions in the future, amiright?" Adlibbed Davesprite, struggling to regain character. "Uh… Good luck, babe!"
"Yes. I- uh, yeah." Jade furrowed her brow. "Okay."
"Come, Brian. There isn't much time." Wicard positioned himself on the teleporter pad and spoke his signature catchphrase as he and Brian teleported away: "It's time to kick some ass, comet style!"
It was a statement so provocative and confusing that probably only Wicard knew what it actually meant. However, everyone else agreed that it was indeed a badass thing to say, so they went a long with it.
Lights flashed all the fuck over the place as Wicard and Brian teleported away, leaving Sally behind to protect the ship all on her lonesome. When everything settled once more, Wicard and Brian found themselves in the control room of the Tentacleila's ship, surrounded by her tentacle minions.
"Freeze in the name of the- OH GOD MY STOMACH!" One minion tried to get fresh, but was immediately slashed apart with one swipe from Wicard's mighty lasersword.
Wicard and Brian fought their way through the room, killing literally five's of minions in their quest to face Tentacleila herself. After the final minion fell, and Wicard and Brian stood victorious momentarily, Tentacleila suddenly made her appearance from off-stage.
She glided in like a specter, wielding at least sixteen laserswords in her many tentacle arms. A high-pitched whine of laughter filled the space as she faced Wicard and Brian.
"You were foolish to have come here, captain." She sang. "The tralfamadorians will never be free and you will not leave this ship alive!"
"We shall see!" Wicard countered.
As Wicard, Brian, and Tentacleila leapt into battle they began to sing:
'Now all the masters knows that you need the glow,
You need the glow, the glow to grow.
If you love to live, you live to love,
Hah, you got to move to the upper level.
Cos When you got the glow, there ain't no stopping,
What you want to do.
Hah, oh'
As Wicard dodged a swipe from Tentacleila and responded with his own jab, he continued:
'To reach that upper level,
Your mind, body and soul must be one.
It's a sacrifice, it takes hard work,
It's a way of life!'
Brian cheered in agreement and joined in:
'When you got the glow, you feel the one,
When you got the glow, Your body's gold,
So don't let go, of the power of elevation.'
They all clashed in a shower of sparks and light and Dirk, who was sitting in the front row of the audience, shed a tiny, ironic tear at just how fucking awesome this musical was. There was death, love, sci-fi bullshit, and even sword fights. All of the things Dirk loved. When the show finally ended, like twenty-two acts later, everyone rushed outside to congratulate all the actors on their wonderful performance, with Dirk in the lead.
"Bro!" Gushed the sailor-ninja-pirate as he scooped Davesprite up in his arms. "That was the most radical thing I've ever fucking seen. You were the second best part! Who knew that you could play such a wonderful girl!?"
"Heh. I sure didn't." Davesprite didn't really know how to react in the face of genuine compassion, but he did his best. "Th- Thanks for coming, Bro."
"Yeah, well. Thanks for letting me come."
Over his brother's shoulder, Davesprite saw Jade walk away from the crowd by herself. He would talk to her later, but as for now. He had a brother to chill with, for the first time in as long as he could remember.
Inside the tent, backstage in the makeup department, Rose was sat in front of a vanity, studiously scrubbing the gross-green makeup from her cheeks. So distracted was she by her work, that she didn't notice that she had company until a bouquet of flowers fell into her lap.
"What are these?" She asked with a small smirk, turning to find John.
"Just a little something for my leading lady." Replied John, the epitome of suave. "You were amazing back there."
"Thank you and I'd be remise if I didn't compliment you on that rather glorious death scene. Truly the work of a natural-born actor." Rose picked at her flowers idly. "Roses, huh? That's cute. Where did you get these?"
"I won them at one of those carnival games just now." John fingered the ring box in his pocket. "Among other things."
He currently owed Jade twenty-one gold coins. Hell, he still does to this day, that little fucker. Anyways, Rose was all like:
"I'm impressed. I thought for sure that you're gaming spirit would have been crushed by the harsh realities of carnival life."
"Naw. You should know me better than that." John leaned against the counter by her side. "Stalwart optimism through… something or other. I forgot the quote exactly."
"Ha." Rose laughed lightly and turned to face John fully. There was a dribble of blue blood dripping from the corner of his mouth, but she didn't comment on it. She doubted that she looked much better either. "Listen, John. There's something that I need to tell you."
"Yeah. I've got something to say too."
Rose swallowed hard. John did too. It was time to spill the beans.
"I might have been… cursed or something." Said John, just as Rose said: "I'm pregnant."
They blinked at one another and then John fainted.
"Whoa! You're just going to leave it there? That's bullshit." Complained Rosie.
"Yeah, well. I'm about to fall asleep." Dave shifted uncomfortably in his chair and checked his watch. "Damn, is it really almost morning? Rosie, we got to work out a better schedule if we're going to keep doing this."
"What do you mean? The schedule is fine. You just don't know how to end a story." Rosie snuggled up more warmly in her bed. "Is John going to be… I dunno, okay with Rose being pregnant and all."
"You'll have to wait and see." Dave rose from his chair and made to exit. "Now go to sleep. Roxy is coming early in the morning to begin you first day of home-school witch lessons."
Excitedly, Rosie rolled over as the lights went out. She was pumped as shit to start witch lessons with Aunt Roxy, but just as pumped to hear the rest of her father's story. That being said, she didn't get much sleep that night at all.
Rest in peace, Monty Oum. You were such an inspiration to me and so many others. "Even brilliant lights will cease to burn" - This will be the day (RWBY)
Um... Yeah, Rose's pregnancy is something that will be addressed more fully later. I hope this chapter was just as mindlessly fun as the others.
Thanks for reading.
- Mike