Looks like the trip to Atlanta was a miracle in more ways than one; Sidney and I are better than ever and he has been cleared for contact. Of course now the questions are the same every day after practice: How are you feeling? How close are you to playing? Are you getting hit out there? Who's hitting you and how are you reacting? Every day after practice they interview him looking for a small nuance that will give them the date he will play. Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone. Troy and Trina came to visit and we had dinner at the Lemieux's. I was surprised to hear that Nathalie was cooking, I guess I thought she'd have it catered, but we all pitched in and it was a wonderful day. Too bad Taylor couldn't join us but she's at an American school so they had classes. Even Mariah came in so it really felt like a family holiday.
The next day, we were back to the same routine. Sidney seems to thrive off of the routine of his life. We do the same thing and the same way. Vero tells me that it will be worse when he's playing. I've been able to adapt and if I'm feeling bored then I keep it to myself. Right now the entire focus is getting Sidney back on the ice playing. He really feels that his timing is coming back and he's getting close. The doctors have to give the final clearance for him to play but it will really be his decision. No one but him knows how he feels and knows if he is or isn't having symptoms. The good news is that he hasn't had any in weeks and he's been pushing himself hard. It's really just time now to be fit enough to play and not risk re-injury.
It's Sunday, November 20th, and Sidney has gone in to work out and have a meeting with the doctors. Pat is in town and Troy has a flight booked. If everyone is in agreement, Sidney will play on Monday. I went to the rink with him today. It is unusual but I couldn't just sit at home waiting so I'm in the family room on my iPad waiting. He's only been gone thirty minutes but it's torture, absolute torture. I hear voices in the hall and am about to jump out of my chair with anticipation. Sidney comes in the room and his face is blank. My heart breaks for him. This was a perfect week for him to start with a couple of home games. He looks around and asks "are you alone?" I respond "yes." Then it happens, that huge little boy grin lights up his whole face and I know he's playing on Monday. I jump out of my chair and run into his arms where he twirls me around and around and around. I kiss his lips and his cheeks and back to his lips again. "Have you called your dad?" I ask him. "They asked me not to tell anyone just yet. They want to make sure it comes from them and doesn't get leaked. The moment before they post it on the website, they'll tell me so that I can call dad. Fuck, I've been waiting so long for this moment, so fucking long, and I can't believe it's here. I owe a lot of people a huge thank you and you're at the top of the list."
"Sidney" I take his face in my hands "you don't owe me anything. I have never been so happy or so in love. Of course I would do anything I can for you. I'm just so excited to see my first hockey game live and even more excited to see you in action." He looks around again and says "maybe you can see a little action right now." His hand slides down to my ass and pulls me even closer to him. I'm close enough to know that he is indeed very, very happy. Those big, full lips descend on mine and I'm caught up in a big happy bubble. I don't notice that anyone has come in the room until I hear a man clearing his throat. We both look toward the door and I'm sure my face is as red as Sidney's is right now when we see that it's Mario at the door. "I thought I'd find you both in here. Why don't you get out of here? If someone sees you Sid, they're going to know what's going on. We should have everything ready within the half hour so go ahead and call your dad when you're in the car. Have Troy keep it quiet until he sees it on the website but I don't see any reason not to share the good news with him." I kiss Mario's cheek and we all say goodbye.
In the car, I call Troy and put the phone on speaker. "Hi Troy is Trina there too?" "Yep, she is" he replies. I look at Sidney and wait for him to tell them the good news. "I'm definitely playing Monday dad. They've cleared me. You need to get on that plane tonight." I don't know what I expected but there is silence on the other end of the phone. Then Trina comes on and says "your dad's a little choked up right now. We're so happy for you sweetie. You've worked so hard for this and we are just so happy you're going to play. Dad has his flight and hotel booked. You know that I'll be watching at home with Nana. You'll be great. We love you both and we'll talk to you later." After we say our good byes, I look at Sidney and see tears in his eyes. I touch his hand and we drive the rest of the way home in silence. As we walk through the door, we know the news is out there. Sidney's phone begins to blow up; texts, calls, emails, it just goes crazy. "Why don't you just turn it off?" I suggest. "Let's make some lunch and eat without all the hoopla. Tomorrow you'll see the guys, practice and talk to the press. Today, we'll pretend that none of that exists and just be excited that you've been cleared to play. How does it feel?"
He sits at the breakfast bar while I pull stuff out of the fridge for sandwiches and a salad for lunch. He thinks about my question for a moment. "Sometimes it feels like it's been years since I've played and sometimes like it was yesterday. I'm excited beyond understanding that it's really going to happen. I'm also terrified; what if I can't be as good as I was? What if I take another bad hit? What if the symptoms return? I know that I have to put everything out of my head and just play. Focus on the game in front of me and the first shift, then the second shift and on." It makes sense that he's so torn like this because I know that I am. I'm terrified for the first hit and I'm so excited to see him play. Of course, I just nod to him without voicing my thoughts. I definitely don't want to cause any problems before he plays. It will be great to have his dad here. Actually, that makes me think "Sidney, two questions: how come your mom isn't coming and how come your dad is staying in a hotel rather than with us?" He chuckles "my mom isn't coming because the live game scares her. She hates hearing the hits off the boards especially when I'm being hit. She came for the Stanley Cup games but not many others. Dad is staying at the hotel because that's what he always does, it's routine." I know that 'routine' means superstition but don't mention it. None of them talk about superstitions. They refer to them only as routines. I think it's funny and know that it's a little OCD. The way they deal with the stress and pressure is to control what they can; hence the creation of 'routines.'
"So what happens on game day for you?" I ask Sidney. "We'll have morning practice and then I'll come back here. I'll have the regular media scrum after practice but nothing before the game. Then I'll come home for a nap and to eat, leave for the rink at 4pm and then warm up and prep for the game." I think about this and ask "I'm sure there is a specific pregame meal that I'm cooking." He at least has the decency to turn a little red "yeah" he says "if you don't mind." I had already thought this through and talked to Trina about it. I know that I'm cooking chicken breast and pasta with a salad. The nap will be from 1pm to 2:30pm. She thinks his body knows how to shut down at 1pm on the dot. "It's not a problem. When and where do I go in? Where am I sitting?" "There are a few places that you could sit but Nathalie has invited you to sit in their box." I think about this for a few minutes. "Sidney, is that a good idea. I'm just guessing but won't she and Mario be on camera? What's going to happen if people see me there too?" He frowns into his drink and is silent for a moment.
I know what I want to say but I'm less sure about what Angelia is going to say back. Ok, here goes "I don't care" I reply. "I mean, I care, but I'm tired of being careful and avoiding being together in public where people will recognize us. Pat says we are all over the internet and the pictures are out there anyway. Some industrious fans have even taken some here in Pittsburgh and posted them on various sites. We really have nothing to hide. You aren't going anywhere so let's just live our life. I'm playing again and we can focus on hockey. The Penguins have been very clear with the press that you are off limits. If any of the press even try to get you on the record then they will be banned from the rink and everything Pens Hockey related. They also made it clear that this direction comes from Mario so they know it's very serious and he'll do it. So, I really, really want you there. I want to know exactly where you are sitting so that I can look up and see you from the ice." I know that I've been rambling because I'm scared of what she's going to say. I finally look up at her. She's biting her lip like she does when she's thinking. That's a better sign than I feared.
"Ok" she finally says to me. "Ok?" I ask, what does she mean by ok? "Ok, I'll sit with Nathalie. Ok we'll stop being careful. Ok we'll let the world see us." I look into her eyes to be sure that she is ok with this and ask "are you sure?" She smiles and says "of course I'm sure." I go to say something else but the doorbell rings. Who managed to get through the gate and to the door? I open it and immediately see who – half the team is on my front door step and are plowing right by me. Jordan, Kris, Flower, TK and Paulie all push by me leaving Vero to bring up the rear and apologizing for just showing up. Seems that they all heard that I've been cleared to play and we have to celebrate. I go back into the kitchen with Vero beside me and see my girl being passed around from guy to guy for a hug. Jordan hells "and how the hell did you get so lucky to find a girl who is both gorgeous and smart enough to find the right doctor for you?" TK pipes in "he doesn't deserve you Angelia. Leave him and run away with me." She is laughing and finally extricates herself from my team mates and puts her arm around me. "Apparently, I need to remind you guys that I would never turn in a Ferrari for a Volkswagen Bug; or, in your case Tyler, a Pinto." The guys all laugh and pummel TK for a while. I look down at her smiling face and kiss her. "Looks like we're having a party" I say to her. "Yep, I'll go order some food. I definitely don't have enough to feed a half dozen hockey players."
We definitely had a party. A few of their girlfriends came over too – Vero and Angelia said it was unfair to leave them at home. Next thing I knew the house was full. There were lots of food and lots of drinks and a lot of fun. Of course the Xbox came out and a full on war was in flight before we knew it. As usually happens, the girls were in the kitchen and the guys were in the family room. It was hard to tell who was louder. When I wandered in to the kitchen to get another bottle of water, I'm not drinking just in case, I see Angelia elbow to elbow with the other girls and having a great time. I'm so glad that she's really happy now. It must have just been a blip she went through; moving to a new city where you don't know anyone can do that to you.
We wrapped up around 10pm because I have my first game back tomorrow and we have a morning practice. It was actually Angelia who started shooing people out. "My man needs his sleep" was her reasoning. Of course, I only heard the "my man" part and smile. We got to bed shortly after that but its 2am now and I'm wide awake. I look beside me and see that Angelia isn't there. I get up and look in the bathroom. She must be downstairs. I wander into the family room and she's on the sofa wrapped in blanket and watching an old move in black and white. I sit beside her and pull her to me. "Couldn't sleep?" she asks me. "I woke up and saw that you were up. I was going to ask the same thing of you?" She looks at me, smiling, "I guess I'm too excited to sleep." I look down at her and, even though she's smiling, I think I see something else in her eyes. "Are you sure that's all? Is there anything else?" She continues to smile. "Sidney, what else is there? It is going to be a crazy day, I'm sure. Maybe we should both go back to bed and try to get some sleep." I turn off the TV and pull her up beside. We make our way to the bedroom and slide into bed. She cuddles up next to me, just the way I like it, and quickly her breath slows and I know she's drifted off.
I'm trying to do the visualization exercises the team shrink taught me. If you picture doing everything in game exactly the way you want to do it then you will be calmer and more focused. The problem is that I've never come back from a concussion. What am I visualizing? Will I be staying away from the boards so as not to get hit into them? Am I watching people more than the puck in open ice? That's where Steckel got me. I pull Angelia closer to me and she wraps her arm around me in sleep. How was I ever going to get through this without her? I snuggle closer beside her and feel myself drifting off. Tomorrow is going to be a great day.
I'm lying on the bed watching Sidney tighten his tie. He looks so gorgeous in a suit and tie, so incredibly gorgeous. He seems cool and calm but I'm a wreck. The press is like a circus. They've been showing pictures of the Consol and it's like a media town has been erected. Sidney shrugs on his jacket and I get up and go to him. I tuck his collar into his jacket and straighten his tie. Then I just lay my hands on his chest and look at him. He is so incredibly beautiful. He would hate to hear me say that; but he is. He is smiling at me now. I lean up and kiss him softly and then more insistently. I pull away "we don't have time to do more than this, you have to go." I kiss him lightly once more. "I won't wish you good luck because you are going to be brilliant. I am looking forward to a wonderful game." He rests his forehead on mine and says "I love you." Then, with one last kiss, he leaves.
I turn my attentions to getting myself ready. I want to be dressed to perfection, or as close as I can get, for tonight. If I'm going to be on TV, and on display, then I want to worthy of being Sidney Crosby's girlfriend. I shower first, then blow dry my hair and use the flat iron. Mariah is always after me to do more. I know how I just usually can't be bothered. Next is make-up for that polished, sophisticated look. Ok, clothes, and a quick call to Mariah helps me choose the correct outfit. Skinny jeans, knee high boots, white fitted blouse and a fit and flare jacket. The bracelet from Sidney completes the outfit. I'm feeling confident and ready; on the outside if not the inside. I get a text from Vero telling me that she's around the corner. Taking one quick look to make sure I look ok, I grab my purse and make it out the door as she's pulling up.
"You look fantastic" Vero tells me as I jump in the care. "Really?" I ask her and look down. "I thought jeans but a little more dressed up with the jacket." She pulls away from the house "you look incredible. Do you know where you're sitting?" I don't quite know how to answer her. The wives and girlfriends don't usually sit with the owner. "Nathalie asked me to sit with her in their box. Mario won't be there, he's going to watch from the press box, so there shouldn't be too many cameras going up there." Vero chuckles "ah, sitting in the owner's box huh? You've made it to the big time." I look at her and see that she's kidding, thank goodness. "Well, I would have sat with Troy but he is definitely going to have cameras on him. I could sit in the crowd but then I'd be alone. Regardless, Nathalie was not taking a 'no' so I'm sitting with her and the kids. I think there will be other big wigs from the Pens. I don't know what I'm more nervous about; Sidney's first game or being with those guys." We both laugh.
When we get to the rink, Vero is recognized and waved right in. There are easily hundreds of people already in the street and the game doesn't start for ninety minutes. Vero leads me through unfamiliar tunnels and corridors, although I've only been here twice so most of it is unfamiliar, and people great us both along the way. I don't know any of them but they seem to know exactly who I am. We see Michelle Cooke in the hall with her two kids. She comes over and gives us both a big hug and kiss. "Angelia, this must be so wonderful for you; your first game and its Sid's big return. It's too bad you've so busy that you couldn't come with us to another game before now. I hear you aren't slumming with us in the family box but sitting with the Lemieux's; my, you've really come up in the world. Well we've got to go. Chat later." Since September, Michelle has become more and more catty. I've been just ignoring it, and her, as much as possible. This was the most obvious and rude she's been but I just let it go. I can't bring myself to allow her to ruin this incredible night.
Vero rolls her eyes as Michelle walks away and steers me toward another room. It's the locker room. Various players are stretching or sitting at their place. I see the names at each player's location and their equipment hung up. That makes sense because the smell is just disgusting. Vero sees me wrinkle my nose. "You do get used to it but it's always gross." I chuckle "well, at least it doesn't make me want to puke anymore." "What ma petite fille, you don't like the manly smell of our locker room?" Only Marc-Andre would say that and I turn around to see him kiss Vero. More of the guys are making their way in and some begin putting their gear on. I feel hands on my waist and know Sidney's come in too. "I'm so glad you're here" he whispers in my ear. I turn around and look at him. I sigh, again wishing that he didn't have that cheesy mustache for Movember. "Of course I'm here. I'm glad we're allowed to pop in before you go out. Did you talk to Dan, what's the plan for your play time?" Sidney purses his lips and I can tell he's not happy with the plan. "The doctors want to see how I respond and then let's talk about it blah blah blah. Dan and I talked and he will put me out for a short shift after the puck drops and we'll see how I feel. Most of it is going to be dictated by how I feel out there." I nod because I know it gives him more confidence knowing that he's in control of it. I take his face in my hands "I know you'll have a phenomenal game and you'll be the best one out there. Remember that I'm so proud of you and I love you so much that I might explode." I kiss him, which causes hoots and hollers from his teammates, and then I leave with Vero.
Since we're going to different places, Vero and I say goodbye and there is an usher to take me to the Lemieux's box. I hear my name being called as we walk down the corridor. As I look at who is calling me, I know her but can't place from where, so I pull the "nice to see you" and hope it will come back to me. "I heard that you had moved to Pittsburgh with Sidney. This must be a huge day for you since it's his first back this year. How is he doing, nervous?" I think of how to answer "Not really nervous. He just wants to get out there and play. It's been so much work with getting healthy and then having a setback that he's just excited to get out there." "How are you feeling about it?" she asks me. I laugh "I'm the one who's a nervous wreck." We both laugh at that. "I was just talking to Michelle Cooke" she tells me. "She told me that you're sitting with the Lemieux's?" That's odd that Michelle told her that, where do I know this woman from? "Yes" I tell her "I am." "That's a great way to see you're first game, in the owner's box; beats the family box with all of the kids and noise. Plus, bet there's better food and drinks." She laughs again and I just smile. She looks past me and then quickly gives me a smile and says 'good luck' and then she's on her way.
I turn and see Jennifer Bullano, the Pens PR person, walking toward me. "Was Allison bothering you?" she asks me. Was she bothering me? I don't understand the question. "No, we were just chatting." Jennifer looks at me very concerned. "Well, did you tell her that you were off the record?" Now I'm really confused, why would I have to say 'off the record' to her? Then it hits me, that's where I've seen her before. She's an 'entertainment reporter,' and a sleazy one at that, who is often trying to get an interview with Mariah. "No Jen, I didn't." Jen pulls out her blackberry, fiddles for a moment and then gasps at what she's reading. I grab it from her and see that she's on Twitter, on Allison's account, which reads "just talked to Crosby's gf who's 'a nervous wreck' could she know something we don't, is he really ready?" Then her next Tweet reads "Sid's gf sitting with Lemieux's at game, too good to sit with team gfs/wives." Then there's one more "Little bird tells us this isn't first time Sid's gf is too good for them." Oh my God, what is happening? It's supposed to be Sidney's big night and I've created a PR nightmare. Jen looks like she's going to pass out. What the fuck am I going to do now?