CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: Progress

Sitting back against the headboard, Kate's exhaustion pulls at her. This entire trip has taken so much out of her. As fun as last night was, she ruefully admits to herself they probably should have gotten more sleep. She just can't seem to help herself when she's around Rick. Oh well.

Sighing, she looks through the letter from Royce one last time. His words challenge her in a way that's entirely uncomfortable. He, too, saw how much she cares for Castle. Apparently her feelings for Castle are an open book to those closest to her. For someone who prides herself on her poker face, she finds the thought disturbing.

She still can't pinpoint exactly what he means to her. All she knows is it scares her. He means too much. And she's terrified she's going to mess it up. She's already taken the chance Royce was urging her to take. But now that she's in the middle of something with him, she can't help but wonder when it's all going to fall apart. Tensing up over the idea of it, she stares blindly at the letter, her thoughts a million miles away from what Royce has written, focused instead on all her fears and insecurities around her relationship with Castle.

After a long reflection, Kate slowly tunes into her surroundings once more. She can't hear the shower – or anything else. It's too quiet. Looking up, she sees Castle leaning against the bathroom doorway, studying her. She was so caught up in her thoughts she didn't hear him come in.

His hair is adorably wet and mussed, a towel wrapped low around his waist, his arms crossed over his chest as he watches her silently from where he leans against the doorway. His face is closed off and unreadable once more. A small, involuntary smile creeps in as she sees him, her eyes raking his body appreciatively.

"Hey. Been standing there long?"

"Long enough" he responds, cryptically.

Pulling up short at his tone, she really looks at him. With dread she realizes that she's getting that weird vibe she got when they first arrived in L.A. Something's wrong. Off. Hastily folding up the letter from Royce, she tucks it in her book on the bedside table and gives him her complete attention.

"Is everything okay?" she asks him, concerned yet not sure how to approach him.

"I should be asking you that."

Looking him over, she can feel him withdrawing from her. After the night they just spent together, she thought everything was fine. Apparently it's not. Worry creeps back in, drawing her brows together, erasing the smile from her face, causing her to draw up tightly into herself. Unconsciously, she pulls her arms into her sides and crosses them over her chest, pulling her knees up in front of her, the sheets covering her body, still naked and warm from their earlier activities.

"I'm fine. But you don't seem to be."

Castle doesn't miss her protective gesture, her posture giving away her discomfort.

"I can't compete." he finally responds, a bleak look in his eyes.

Confused now, Kate just looks at him blankly.

"What are you talking about?" she asks him, puzzled. "Who are you…"

"Don't act dumb, Kate, it doesn't suit you." He cuts her off, angry that she's denying it.

Hurt by his attack, she pulls back emotionally. Watching him, she sees him angrily stride over to the dresser, grabbing random clothes out of the drawers. Flinging his towel away, he starts dressing, his movements sharp and hurried. Thinking over his words, she has no idea what's going on.

"What are you talking about?" she asks, exasperated. Something is terribly wrong. She feels her heart drop into her stomach. What the hell just happened?

"Castle!" Nothing. He ignores her. Feeling like she's been punched in the gut, she recoils as if she's been struck.

"Rick!" she calls out, a tremor in her voice that she can't control. Tears swimming in her eyes now, she has no idea what's wrong or how to fix it. "Please, talk to me. Tell me what's going on."

Something in the tone of her voice must get through to him, because he stops what he's doing and looks over at her.

Seeing the anguish on her face, he pauses. He's only seen her look this devastated when talking about her mom. Could she really have no idea?

Slowly, cautiously, he takes a few steps closer, studying her, trying to see if she's playing him. Uncertainty sweeps through him. She looks confused, hurt. Realizing he may be a little off base, he says the first thing that comes to his mind, the jealousy he's been fighting all weekend rising to the surface.

"I can't compete with him Kate. He's dead! How do I compete with that?" His voice cracks a little, the emotion he's feeling creeping out.

What? Does he mean Royce? Does he think she still…Oh. Wow. Talk about dense. She didn't see this coming at all. Taking a deep breath, she lets it out, trying to gather her thoughts. Patting the bed beside her, she looks at him, wanting him to sit. She has to fix this.

Giving in to her unspoken demand, he sits on the edge of the bed, still closed off from her, but listening. Reaching out, she grabs his hand, needing to connect with him.

"Rick, there's no contest. You win. Hands down." Rubbing her thumb over his hand, she soothes him, hoping the sincerity in her voice gets through to him.

"What? I mean – what do you mean?" he finally asks. "I saw you Kate. Before, and again just now…with his letter. You love him. You weren't lying before when you said you were in love with him."

The pain in his voice guts her. She should have seen this coming. Closing her eyes, she takes a moment. God, this is so hard. Castle has always had trouble when others have shown an interest in her. She's been so blinded by everything she's having trouble accepting that she didn't realize he was struggling too.

"No, Rick. You've got it wrong."

"Bullshit Kate. I'm not blind." The anger creeps back in and he tries to pull away.

Oh my god. He's jealous. Irrationally, unreasonably jealous. Why didn't she see this? How could she be so oblivious?

"You don't understand. It's not like that."

"Then tell me, what's it like." He throws each word at her. The hard staccato sound of his voice makes cuts her, his own pain hurting her further.

"Okay. But please, just…just listen. It's hard for me to talk about this."

The sincerity in her voice gets his attention, so he waits.

"Royce meant a lot to me. He was a lifeline to me when I was just some confused, angry kid intent on justice for my mom. He's the only one who understood what drove me. And the only one who could get me to back off when it became too much."

"You were in love with him." He accuses, cutting to the heart of it.

"I don't know." Looking at him, she sees he doesn't believe her. "I really don't know. Maybe. It was all so long ago. I loved him, yes. He was the only one there. My dad…well, you know about my dad. There was no one else I could lean on. But was I in love with him? I'm not sure I even know what that is Rick. I cared about him once. But that died out a long time ago."

"Did you—Were you—" he can't even formulate the question. "Never mind. I don't want to know."

"No! No. It wasn't like that. Rick. You have to believe me. You are not competing with him in any way. I'm sorry he did what he did and that he was killed for it. I felt like I had to see this through. That I owed it to him. He was there for me at a time when I didn't know which way was up. But what I feel for you-" stopping abruptly, she hesitates, unsure what she was about to say.

He just looks at her, his heart in his eyes.

Taking a chance, she lays it on the line. "Look, I don't know what I feel for you. I just know I need you in my life."

Seeing the disbelief, the uncertainty, she digs deep. "There's nobody else. I don't want anyone else. When I wake up and you're there, everything's right in my world. And I don't know what that means. I just know I couldn't stand it if you walked away right now. I don't know if I could take it." Eyes swimming with tears again, she falters, overwhelmed with despair over the thought that he's about to walk out on her. "I thought we were going to give this a chance."

Taking a deep breath, he lets it go. All of it. "We were. We are." He responds. On some level, he trusts what she's saying. He's never been so insecure about a woman in his life.

"You really aren't….?" he asks again, needing a little more reassurance.

"How could I possibly want anyone else when I've got you? Opening up, she pulls him to her, a teasing lilt creeping into the serious tone of her voice. "You're my Rock God." Softly, sincerely, she reveals "You're my one and only. Come back to bed. Let me show you what I mean. When I'm with you I can barely think, there's no room for anyone but the two of us."

"Promise?"

"I promise." Putting actions to words, she kisses him sweetly, softly, letting everything she feels for him guide her. Drowning in the feel of him, she soothes him with her mouth, her hands, her body. Slowly undressing him, she lets every touch, every caress convey what she's feeling for him, how much she needs him. Focusing only on him, his needs, his feelings, she shows him what's in her heart. As she loses herself in the familiar rhythm, the thought slips into her mind, teasing her. Suddenly certain, it dawns on her. She's in love with him.