Disclaimer: I still don't own any of them.

AN: This one just seemed to keep going. Thanks again to all those who reviewed. It is much appreciated as always. :o)

Chapter 21

When JJ came back downstairs she found Emily in the lounge standing over by her bookcase.

"You ok Em?" The blonde asked when the brunette stayed in her position, apparently not hearing the blonde return. She watched as Emily placed something back on the shelf before turning around.

"I'm fine." The tone of her voice didn't lead JJ to believe that was the truth. She saw JJ pat the seat next to her on the couch and made the short journey across the room to sit next to the blonde. She sighed as she sat back. "What do you fancy doing tonight then Jayj?" She turned her head to look at the woman sitting next to her.

JJ met her gaze and couldn't help but notice that there was something missing from what she saw. The usual spark that her chocolate eyes held was considerably faded. "Talking?" The blonde watched for a reaction from the other woman. Hoping that her quest for further knowledge about the brunette wouldn't cause Emily to pull away from her. She'd come to rely upon the other woman for her support and comfort over the past few years. She knew that no matter what it was, she could depend upon Emily to be there and help her through it. She just hoped that the brunette felt the same way and would let her in on what was obviously bothering her.

Emily nodded and glanced back at her phone remembering the text Garcia had sent a few minutes ago. Just let her in. Very simple. Very short. Emily knew exactly what Garcia meant. It had been the topic of many conversations between the two women. Emily always refusing to take down her walls and share parts of herself with the one person who she really wanted to know her and Garcia trying to get her to see sense and try. Emily still had her concerns about telling the blonde sitting next to her about herself and her past. There were things she hadn't forgiven herself for and so she never expected that the blonde would forgive those actions either. Then there was the risk of losing JJ from her life. That was the thought that always made her stop when she came close to sharing with the blonde. She didn't know how JJ would react to certain revelations about her and so there was that reluctance to find out. She'd rather have the blonde as a friend who perhaps didn't know everything about her than risk having JJ turn from her in disgust. It didn't matter how many times Garcia told her that would never happen, the tiny bit of doubt in her own mind was enough to keep her lips sealed. Tonight though, she was tired of keeping things secret. She'd imagined what could have happened if JJ hadn't trusted her enough to tell her about Will. How the ending to that part of their lives might have been so different. If the blonde could trust her then surely she could trust the blonde.

"What do you want to know?" With that one sentence she gave JJ permission to know her. To find out all about her past and what made her the Emily Prentiss she was today.

JJ considered what she wanted to know. There were so many questions buzzing through her mind at that time. She was also aware of the possibility that asking the wring question might lead to the brunette claming up again. So she decided to start off with a simple question. "What were you looking at when I came in?"

Emily looked back over to the bookcase and JJ followed her gaze. "A picture." She looked over at the blonde, trying to work out what her reaction was going to be to what came next. As she looked into blue eyes she saw understanding and caring. She stood up and walked over to the bookcase, taking the photo frame in her hand, before returning to the couch. She looked down at the picture before handing it to JJ.

JJ took the picture and looked down at a much younger Emily and another young woman. It was obvious the picture had been taken without them knowing, catching the two women unaware. Emily was standing behind the other woman with her arms wrapped around her waist. They were in front of a lake that reflected the mountains, making it appear as if there were two mountain ranges. Both women were smiling. JJ couldn't help but notice how happy and carefree they both seemed. She felt something like jealousy stir within her while looking at the picture but didn't know why. "Who is she Em?"

Emily hadn't taken her gaze off the picture. "Nicole." She said simply as if that would explain everything. She glanced up to meet blue eyes and knew she had to explain further. "She was my first love." She kept looking into blue eyes gauging the response to this revelation. She saw the moment that the blonde registered what the implication of her statement had been and had waited for her to move away or break their connection. It never came. The blue eyes in front of her never wavered. They held her gaze and still showed the same understanding and caring they had done at the start.

JJ smiled at her lightly. "Thank you."

"For?" Emily furrowed her brow in confusion.

"Trusting me enough to tell me." She reached her hand out and placed it over the brunette's. Giving her the contact that she knew the other woman needed to know that everything was going to be ok. She watched as relief visibly coursed through the older woman. "So what happened?"

"She was the daughter of my mother's chef, Josef. She came to live with him when her mom died and we became best friends almost straight away. We grew up together really." She smiled at the memories of the mischief they had gotten into around the embassy when younger. "As we got older, my feelings started to change. It was really confusing to start with especially after what happened in Italy but I worked out what I was feeling was so much more than just friendship." She paused to look at JJ, trying to read what was going on inside the blonde's head. "I eventually told her what I felt and figured I'd lose her. Turns out I wasn't very good at profiling back then." Emily couldn't help but laugh at the memory.

Flashback…

That was it. She'd just told her everything she had been thinking and feeling and sat waiting for the impending slap or verbal assault. Her eyes were closed as she waited for her best friend to turn away in revulsion at her admission. It felt like an eternity had passed and then se felt something totally unexpected. She felt a hand on her cheek, gently cradling it while the thumb stroked over her cheek to gently wipe away the tear that had fallen. Opening her eyes Emily wasn't met by a look she expected. When she looked into Nicole's eyes she saw tears and she saw love.

"I'm glad it's not just me Em." With that she leaned in and pressed her lips lightly to Emily's.

"We were together for 3 years. We were both young but it just felt so right." She looked into JJ's eyes to see if she understood. "Things were great but then it was time to go to college." Emily's eyes became distant as she remembered that time in her life. "Mother wanted me to go to college back in the States and I couldn't argue as it was her money paying for it. So I left Europe and came here. We decided that we could do a long distance relationship. To start with things were going fine. We spoke all the time and wrote the longest letters." Emily smiled at the memory. "Then things changed." Her face darkened, eyes clearly showing the pain that this part of her memory brought. "She wrote me a letter telling me that she had cheated on me and found someone else. Told me not to call or write anymore."

"Em, I'm so sorry." JJ could see the hurt that this memory still caused the brunette.

"I tried to call and write anyway but never got a reply. I was heartbroken. It took me well over a year to come to terms with it." She sighed deeply. "I finished college and then found myself unsure what to do with my life. I was just doing odd jobs and thinking about what to do next. Then I came home one day and everything came crashing down again."

Flashback...

Emily walked over to her mail box and when she opened it there was an envelope with handwriting she recognised instantly. A small frown creased her brow as she knew something must be wrong since it wasn't Christmas or her birthday. She took the envelope up to her apartment, deciding that opening it in privacy was best. She sat on her couch and then opened the envelope. Inside was a letter and a plane ticket.

My Dearest Emily,

I know that just opening this letter has already started your mind turning. Before I go on I just want to apologise for not saying something to you sooner. I hope you will understand my reasons and grant me forgiveness for my part in all of this. I really don't know how to say this without starting at the beginning. I'm sorry that this has to be something you read and not something that I can tell you in person.

I'm sorry Emily but what you have believed for the past 4 years has been a lie. I know Nicole wrote to you and broke your heart by telling you she had cheated on you and that she no longer was in love with you. At the time I tried to tell her that she should be honest with you but she had her reasons and as my daughter, I had to support her. For that I am truly sorry. The truth of the matter is that on her way back from campus one night she was attacked and raped. She was badly beaten but the man that did this was a sick and twisted individual. I later found out this was not the first time such a crime had been committed. His final act was to stab her through the chest with an old knife.By some miracle, another student passed and saw her calling for an ambulance. When she got to the hospital they treated her for all her injuries. However, she developed an infection in her heart a few days later and became very ill. I had pleaded with her to let me call you and tell you what was going on but she didn't want you to know. She felt she had let you down. That she should have fought harder or not been walking alone at night.

The infection was cleared but the damage done to her heart was irreversible. The only option for her in the long term was to have a heart transplant. She knew how unlikely the chances of finding a heart were and she came to accept that she would not have a long life. I know she never wanted you to be unhappy and in her mind the thing that would make you unhappiest for longest was watching her die. She never wanted to put you through that. Never wanted you to sit by her bedside and watch as she got worse. She knew you would have given up on your hopes and dreams and dropped everything to come back here. In her mind, you thinking she cheated would only hurt for a short time and then you could move on.

For the past 4 years she has been fighting to stay alive. Hoping that one day she might get that call that they have a heart for her but it never came. She has run out of treatment options now and the doctors believe she only has a week left. I know that I have kept so much secret from you for so long but please try to understand I was only doing what Nicole wanted. Now though, I cannot stand by and not give you the chance to say goodbye. I know how much everything hurt 4 years ago and I can only imagine what you are feeling now. Nicole doesn't know I have written to you so if you decide you do not want to come then I will understand.

I am so sorry for not being honest with you my Emily. It will be my one greatest regret in my life. If you do decide to come then I will arrange to meet you at the airport.

Josef

Emily sat on the couch with tears running down her cheeks. Her whole world for the past 4 years suddenly tipped upside down. All of the emotions that had been accepted, reconciled and compartmentalised came rushing back to the surface. Looking down at the plane ticket she still held she knew what she was going to do.

JJ felt a tear run down her cheek at Emily's story. She couldn't imagine what it must have been like for Emily to find that out.

"Did you go?" She asked although she knew the answer already.

"Yeah. I got on a plane the next morning and flew back to Austria. I really never thought I would be going back there."

Flashback…

Josef was waiting at the arrivals lounge. Emily spotted him straight away. She took the time while walking over to him to look at him, to see how he had changed over the past four years. He seemed so much older and the sadness and pain he must be feeling over everything radiated from him. Emily walked over and hugged him.

"Thank you for coming Emily. I'm so sorry for everything." Emily looked into his eyes, the same shade of blue as Nicole's and saw the regret and something she could only describe as resignation that she would never forgive him.

"I understand Papa. I forgive you." At those few words and the term of endearment that she had always used growing up, a weight was visibly lifted from his shoulders. The thought of losing his daughter and the woman he thought of as a daughter had been crushing him. Now he knew he would always have Emily.

"You were really close to him." JJ had noticed the fondness in her tone of voice as Emily spoke of Josef. A tone that was never there when talking about her parents.

"Yeah, he was more like a parent to me when I was growing up than my own parents were. He knew me from when I was 10 and my mother was stationed in Austria. I spent all my time in the kitchen with him."

"Is that where you learnt how to cook that amazing food?" A smile spread across JJ's face as she remembered the delicious meal Emily had cooked for her.

"He taught me everything I know. Without him, I would have been left eating food that tasted a lot like Henry's!" Emily couldn't help but smile back at the blonde. Her eyes meeting beautiful blue ones for a moment. Snapping herself out of the gaze she held with JJ, Emily continued her story. "I really didn't know what to expect when I got to the house. It has been four years since I had seen her and she thought I hated her for what she had claimed to do."

Flashback...

Josef walked into the house and then came to a stop. "I'm going to talk to her if you give me a moment." Emily placed her bag on the floor and then waited as she watched Josef walk into one of the bedrooms. While she waited, she looked around the room. There were pictures she recognised from when they were younger, of trips they had gone on together when her parents had been too busy to spend time with her. One picture caught her eye...It was taken not long before Emily had left for college. The three of them had gone up in the mountains for the day. Spending some time as a family before doing what she knew would be one of the hardest things in her life. They had set the camera up on the timer and just before the picture was taken Emily had slipped. So the picture ended up with Nicole trying to hold her up as she did the splits and with all three of them laughing.

"It was a great day" Emily turned at the voice just behind her to see Josef had come out.

"It was."

"You can go and see her if you are ready."

Emily nodded and gave one last look at the picture on the wall before walking over to the door. As she got there she took a deep breath and mentally prepared herself as best she could. As she walked in what she saw made her stop in her tracks. Lying in the bed looking out of the window was Nicole but she looked so different to how she had last time. Her skin was pale and her lips had a slight blue tint to them, there were dark bags under her eyes making her eyes look sunken. The vibrant spirit that used to surround her was gone. Once again she felt her heart break. "Hey" It was all she could manage around the lump that had formed in her throat.

Nicole turned her eyes away from the window to look at her visitor. "Emily?" Confusion was evident on her face as she stared at the one person she never thought she would see again. "Why are you...How did...What are you doing here?"

Emily realised then that Josef hadn't told her who her visitor was. "I came to see you." She paused for a moment before continuing. "Papa wrote to me and told me what had happened. Told me everything." Emily watched as blue eyes filled with tears and moved away from her gaze, no longer able to look at the person she had tried to protect from knowing the truth. Emily took the few steps across the room to close the distance between them. As she reached the edge of the bed she knelt down and took Nicole's hand in hers. "It wasn't your fault Nic. I understand why you didn't tell me." Emily paused and watched as Nicole's eyes moved to look at their entwined hands. "I forgive you." Emily said the words that she knew Nicole had longed to hear. She watched as tears fell from blue eyes as the burden that had been carried for four long years was lifted. Then she moved forward to hold her as she cried. Gently rubbing her back and just letting her cry.

"You really loved her didn't you?" JJ had been listening to every word Emily had said. Noticing how her finger had lightly traced the lines of Nicole's face on the picture still lying on her lap. She saw the glistening of chocolate eyes as tears built and threatened to fall.

"More than anything else in my life then." JJ noticed the addition of the word then but decided not to question it at the moment. She couldn't help but get that mixture of hope that Emily was talking about her and panic that Emily meant someone else.

Emily sighed deeply, her eyes still on the picture. "Em, you know you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

Her eyes moved to meet JJ's then. Seeing the sincerity present in them she continued. "I know Jayj. It's been a long time since I have talked about this but I want to tell you. I want you to know..." Emily trailed off in her sentence. For a moment JJ considered asking what Emily wanted her to know but she didn't want to push the other woman into telling her anything unless she was ready. She never wanted any regrets between them. So JJ just nodded and waited for Emily to continue with her story.

Flashback...

Emily had spent the past three days at the house. Most of it with Nicole, talking about her life since she had started college and where she had travelled to. Nicole had listened to her stories and had started to smile again at some of the things Emily had got involved in. Josef couldn't help the relief that he felt seeing how much happier his daughter was now Emily was there and knowing that his actions hadn't caused harm. He had just come to offer the girls a drink and some lunch and overheard their conversation.

"Ok, ok...I can beat that. It was my freshman year and I was living in dorms on campus. We all had ensuite bathrooms in this block. I'd got up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet but I was still half asleep. Next thing I know I hear a click behind me. It's then that I wake up a bit more and realise I'm standing in the corridor! What makes it worse is that I'm just in my underwear as it was a really hot night!"

Nicole was laughing at the story. The image of Emily standing in the corridor in her underwear was priceless. "I wish I had seen that Em. How did you get back in?"

"I had to walk down to the senior resident and ask them to let me back in. It was so embarrassing!"

Josef couldn't help but join in with the laughter. "Oh Emily, you always did have a talent for getting into trouble. Did you girls want anything to eat or drink?"

"Yes please." They both answered through their laughter. Josef nodded and left them to their conversations.

"Em...Can you do something for me?" Nicole asked turning suddenly serious. Emily stopped laughing, sensing the change in her mood.

"What?"

"Can we go back to the cabin we went to before..." She trailed off, not wanting to remember any bad things.

Emily was about to say that she didn't think they could when she looked into Nicole's eyes. It was in that moment that she knew why Nicole wanted to go there. She knew that it was the place she wanted to spend her last days. Looking into those blue eyes that had got her to do so many things in the past, she couldn't resist them now. "Ok."

"Oh Em...I can just see you getting locked out. Make sure you don't do that when Garcia is around or you know it'll be on Youtube by the end of the night!" JJ couldn't resist the temptation to joke around with the brunette. She'd have to make a note to tell Garcia to keep an eye on the hotel CCTV feeds. "Did you go to the cabin?"

"We did. It took some organising but between Josef and myself we managed it. We were there for 3 days."

Flashback…

"Em? Can you stay awake with me tonight? I want to watch the sunrise in the morning."

Emily had been watching as over the past 2 days Nicole had been getting progressively weaker. She spent more and more time asleep and when she was awake, it was obvious that even basic things were becoming more of a struggle.

"Of course."

The two girls stayed awake all night, talking about the past and very mundane things. Emily was sitting on the bed with Nicole leaning back against her. They were both watching as the sky started to get lighter. "Em, I want you to promise me something."

Emily could sense what was about to be said. "Nic, don't make me promise something that I might not be able to keep."

"Em, this is something very important to me. I need to know this to be able to…" Emily put her finger on Nicole's lips to stop her. The next words were ones she didn't want to hear. She wasn't ready to hear them, not yet. Deep down she knew that she had to promise, how could she not. She slowly moved her finger away and very quietly said "ok."

"I want you to promise me that you won't shut yourself off from the world and everyone in it. I want you to give someone your heart again. You really are too amazing and have too much to offer someone to not share your heart and your life with someone again. It was the greatest gift I ever received and I want someone else to receive it too. I want you to be happy again. So promise me, one day when you find someone that you can give your heart to and that will keep it safe, promise me you will try?"

Emily swallowed the lump down in her throat. "I promise Nic."

"Thank you Em. If you don't I'm coming back to haunt you and sing Christmas carols all year long." She smiled knowing that one day Emily would make good on her promise. If there was one thing that could always be counted on, it was Emily's promises.

They sat quietly, Emily's arms wrapped around her waist and they watched the sun rise over the mountains. Emily felt her breathing slowing and then her breathing stopped and the body in her arms was still. Emily felt her tears begin to fall.

Emily felt a tear roll down her cheek as she finished re-telling one of the hardest moments of her life. She felt JJ's thumb on her cheek, gently wiping her tear away. She looked up into JJ's blue eyes and saw the sadness there. JJ understood. It was her gift, the ability to empathise with people. Emily knew she didn't have to say more, didn't have to explain it to the blonde. Glancing at her watch, Emily was startled by the time. "Geez Jayj, it's late. I've been rambling on for hours when we should have been sleeping. We've got work in 5 hours."

JJ didn't want to sleep yet. She wanted to ask a question that was playing on her mind. She knew if she went to bed now then it would be a long night of tossing and turning due to her mind racing around. "It's ok Em, one question before we turn in?"

"Go for it."

"Did you keep your promise?" JJ wasn't sure why she felt this overwhelming desire to know the answer to this question but she just knew she had to get that answer.

"Kind of." One corner of Emily's mouth turned up into a half smile. Seeing the slight frown on JJ's face she decided she'd better elaborate. "Someone else has my heart but they don't know it." She sighed. "She only sees me as a friend."

JJ wanted to ask who this mystery girl was but it was clear Emily had shared all she wanted to for the night. So the two women headed to bed to hopefully have a few hours sleep.