The Tour
Letter to Sir Richard Carlisle, regarding his proposal of marriage, rough draft
Dear Sir Richard,
I know that I should have been more prompt to respond to your proposal. Truthfully, there was very much of it that I found appealing. admirable.
Truthfully, there were honestly a great many times that I almost wanted to.
Please know that it is not without great pains of deliberation and internal strife that I have come to this decision.
But unfortunately, I must turn down your offer. For you see, I think you think me a much harsher person than I am. I know I can embodied that persona much of the time. Certainly, my reputation in London society is not beyond me. But, believe this or not, there is an inner self that I keep hidden away from public scrutiny and I am afraid you may find that person feeble and frivolous in her interests and aspirations.
I have no doubt that we would've made a good team and that we could've built a dynasty that would have lasted a thousand years. But I have but one life time, and as naive and girlish as it may sound, I am looking for true love.
And I hope, sincerely, for your sake, Sir Richard
And I hope, sincerely, for the sake of your neglected happiness, someone comes along that is more than myself and can love you properly.
Sincerely,
Mary Crawley
July 15th, 1917
Accounts of Mary Crawley
"Now it's down to you to save Matthew from the clutches of a scheming harlot," Rosamund said enthusiastically as she sat up in her chair.
"Really, Rosamund, there's no need to be so gleeful. You sound like Robespierre lopping off the head of Marie Antoinette," Violet replied with a high pitched chuckle.
Mary sat silently between her aunt and her grandmother, trying to process the information that they had just revealed to her. They had both interrogated Lavinia a few days before in a misguided attempt to set in motion the first steps to breaking up her engagement to Matthew. For Mary's sake of course, all the while not at all considering Mary's opinions on the matter.
Mary had to admit that she found her aunt's discoveries rather troubling. But they would have been more so if she wasn't already entangled with something much more immediate between Lavinia and Matthew. And frankly, whatever Lavinia's indiscretions in this case, he felt Matthew's to be far worse.
They lined up outside the house as the military motorcade pulled out. The famous General Herbert Strutt and his entourage, Captain Crawley included were set to visit and inspect the condition and operations of Downton Abbey as a complementary convalescence home for Downton Hospital. Lady Rosamund and the Dowager Countess had invited Lavinia up for the occasion, despite her reluctance.
Mary and Lavinia's interactions were spartan at best. Mary tried to pull Lavinia aside for a private word but the arrival of the general meant that that conversation would have to be put on hold. Mary and Lavinia quickly took their places outside.
Mary watched as Matthew stepped out of the car behind General Strutt. Her heart began to race as it always did when she saw him these days. She knew in her mind that he had just been touring around the countryside but it was always a great relief to see him alive and well.
Her mind wandered back to a few days ago when he was last at Downton. They had spent some private time together in a rather intimate moment, that now, days from the encounter itself, seemed wildly inappropriate yet exhilarating. She found herself thinking about it more and more as the days passed. Initially, she was merely concerned about his injury, but the more times she revisited the event in her mind the more sensual and exciting it found herself daydreaming about it in the middle of her days, while she was reading her magazines, when she saw the colour of the officer's uniforms that roamed the house, but most of all when she closed her eyes at night.
She watched from the sidelines as her father, mother, Isobel, and Doctor Clarkson conversed with the general. She found Matthew irresistibly handsome in his service dress uniform. Mary took care however to not stare too intently as Lavinia stood uncomfortably close beside her.
"Poor Mother, she longs to hold all the reigns," Matthew said to her off to the side after the rest of them began to file into the house.
"Crawley," General Strutt called to Matthew.
"I should go, if only to keep our respective mothers apart," Matthew said as he departed to follow the rest of the entourage.
The girls waited until the last of the men in uniform entered before they began to make their way back into the house. Lady Rosamund flashed Mary, then Lavinia, a devious look before she joined them.
"What's the matter with your aunt?" Lavinia said, finally deciding to break her vow of silence towards Mary.
"We should follow them in or Mama will say we're unsupportive," Mary said as she tried to brush Lavinia's question off.
"Tell me what it is, please," Lavinia pressed.
"Alright," Mary relented. She felt for her friend. They hadn't spoken much since their fight over Matthew's indiscretions a few months ago and she missed Lavinia's company. "Do you remember when Aunt Rosamund found you and Richard Carlisle together in the garden?"
"I knew I hear more about that," Lavinia said nervously.
"She thought he was threatening you, and now she's decided that you were behind the Marconi share scandal in 1912. The chancellor and other ministers were involved, including your uncle," Mary continued as they slowly made their way back into the house.
"I remember the Marconi scandal," Lavinia added.
"No, let's forget it, it's absurd," Mary said dismissively.
"But Lady Rosamund is right," Lavinia insisted as she stopped and made Mary face her, "I did steal the evidence for Sir Richard to print. I did start the scandal."
"The trouble is," Mary said after a brief moment's pause, she was admittedly a little disappointed in Lavinia. She didn't think her aunt had lied to her, nevertheless to hear the confession straight from Lavinia still took her by surprise, "Aunt Rosamund can't understand why you would do such a thing unless you and Sir Richard were..."
"Were lovers," Lavinia cut in.
Cora called out to them and prompted them to catch up to the rest of the entourage. Mary found Lavinia's quick conclusion troubling. How did she know exactly what she was thinking? Were they actually lovers? Or did she just jump to the worst conclusion as her aunt had done earlier.
Her parents, along with the Matthew, entertained General Strutt with games and pleasant conversation after the tour of the care facilities. Mary watched Matthew intently as her grandmother and aunt went on about their schemes and what the best way to proceed was.
She paid little attention to the gossipy conversation around her. She had more pressing concerns on her mind. Even within the confines this official visit, with dress uniforms, and proper salutes and addresses, Mary couldn't help but think back to a few nights ago. She couldn't believe that she had had him in her room. She remembered the intimacy between them, she remembered the texture of his wound, the heat of his skin, the contours of his naked form. Would she have ever allowed such an occurrence to have taken place before the war? Oh, of course, she thought as a pang of guilt hit her. Pamuk.
She furrowed her brow in anger at herself. She secretly chastised herself, as she often did, at for the brashness that had cost her so much. It wasn't helpful to do so and she tried her best not to dwell on it, but it was beyond her control when images of imaginary children and idyllic picnics with him on the farthest reaches of the estate came rushing into her mind; images of a life that she never had and probably never will.
"So when will you tell Matthew?" Rosamund asked, snapping Mary out of her train of thoughts.
"Dinner is served, my lady," Carson announced from the door.
"Don't waste the opportunity," Rosamund said as she stood up and made for the dining room.
"Why must she be so savage?" Mary protested with an exasperated sigh, "It's my broken heart, and it was her advice that wrecked it in the first place."
"Classic Rosamund, she's never more righteous than when she's in the wrong," Violet commented in support of her granddaughter.
Dinner went smoothly even if it was a little uneventful. Edith was singled out by the general for her explemary service towards the wounded officers. There seemed to be some mishap with the soup and William stepped in to serve one last time before he was sent off to the front. It seemed rather odd and unfair that he had to work on his last day before being sent to battle, but Mary didn't make much of this occurrence.
Isobel and Cora had been vying for power the whole day, bickering with each other and making backhanded compliments whenever they found an opening. Matthew tried his best to keep the peace but he was hopelessly outmatched by the two older women.
He and Lavinia spoke not a word but it wasn't for his lack of trying. Every time he tried to get some alone time with Lavinia she would simply ignore him and proceed to start a conversation with someone else. It was the same way during dinner.
After dinner, when the ladies filtered into the drawing room, Lavinia pulled Mary aside into the small library. She quickly closed the door behind them and made sure that no one else was in earshot.
"We were never lovers, not ever," Lavinia said softly.
"You don't have to explain anything, not to me, especially not after what Matthew did," Mary said placatingly as they made their way to the sofas.
"But I want to," Lavinia insisted.
"You see, my father owed Sir Richard Carlisle a lot of money, enough to bankrupt him," Lavinia explained with a steady and grave voice, directly and succinctly.
"And Sir Richard offered to waive the debt if you brought him the evidence of the minister's guilt," Mary completed the thought.
"Papa was terrified and I knew I could get into my uncle's office and the proof," Lavinia finished her explanation.
She lowered her head and let out an exasperated but still very much muted sigh.
"What is it?" Mary asked.
"He threatened to tell you all about it and now I've told you anyways," it took her a few moments, but Lavinia answered, "my uncle was guilty, they all were, Sir Richard didn't make it up."
"I believe you," Mary said stoically.
"But that's not why I did it. It was entirely to save Papa from ruin," Lavinia added.
They sat awkwardly for a few moments, neither knowing what to say to the other beyond the immediate topic at hand. Officially, Lavinia and Mary had still been fighting over Matthew's revelations despite the fact that Mary felt very similarly about his actions. She just took his side because, despite being a solicitor, Matthew was terrible at defending himself.
"Look, the way I see it, you did nothing wrong," Mary finally said, "the circumstances may have been dubious, but you held the ministers to account. That must count for something."
"So you aren't horrified?" Lavinia asked.
"To be perfectly honest, compared to what Matthew did to you, this seems to be of little consequence," Mary said dismissively.
"I thought you were on his side on that," Lavinia said.
Mary's eyes widened for a moment as she realized what she had let slip.
"I'm not on his side," Mary said with a defeatist sigh, "not when it comes to his actions. You know that much. To be perfectly honest, I find his conduct reprehensible, every bit as much as you do. But Matthew is in a fragile state and as much as he deserves censure, I don't want him to think that he's been abandoned by us here."
"You're very kind to him" Lavinia commented.
"Would it make a difference if he apologized?" Mary said as she tried to steer the conversation in another direction.
"He's tried," Lavinia lamented, "and I know he's trying. But every time I read his letters, I get so angry. And I don't think I am an angry person, am I?"
"No, of course not," Mary said with a warm smile.
"Sometimes, I think people see me as weak because of my demeanour," Lavinia said meekly.
"No one thinks that," Mary reassured her friend.
"You're too kind to me," Lavinia said, "sometimes I wonder why you aren't more vicious to me."
"Whatever do you mean?" Mary asked in astonishment.
"Don't think I haven't noticed how you are with your sister," Lavinia said with a hint of a laugh.
"Edith's a special case," Mary replied with a genial smile.
Lavinia looked around a sighed, "I don't even know what I'm doing here."
"What do you mean?" Mary asked.
"I know that… that is just between you, me, and Matthew right now, but sooner it'll come out," Lavinia explained, "I know we haven't talked about it much and to be perfectly honest, I've been afraid of you-"
"Afraid, heavens, why?" Mary asked as the pitch of her voice jumped considerably.
"Am I really to force you out of your own home if I marry Matthew? And you've been so nice to me this entire time, even when we were fight, I thought you far more kind than I was," Lavinia said.
"You exaggerate," Mary replied.
"Lady Edith may be a special case, but it is still very much a demonstration of your skill," Lavinia insisted.
"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine," Mary added.
"You mean, Sir Richard Carlisle?" Lavinia asked.
The awkward silence befell them once again as their attempts at avoiding the more troubling points of discussion failed them. Fortunately, Cora finally found them and admonished them for being unfriendly and hiding themselves away from the rest of the family and the company of the general. They were promptly hurried back into the drawing room.
The rest of the evening was relatively uneventful. Mary made polite conversation with everyone, even Edith for it seemed to be that this was her night and Mary was good enough not to spoil it. When the evening drew to a close, Mary dragged Matthew out into the hall to have a word with him.
"You need to apologize to Lavinia," Mary whispered sharply.
"I won't do any good," Matthew protested, "I've tried and tried."
"Not in person you haven't," Mary replied.
"And you think that will make all the difference?" Matthew asked.
Mary bit her lip as that recently familiar feeling crawled up her spine and caused her skin to heat. She looked into his blue eyes, that always always seem to capture her. She remembered his bare shoulders, the way his muscles flex and release underneath his skin when he moved. She remembered the texture of his scars and the heat of his skin. How could his person not make all the difference?
"Yes," she answered shakily, "I think it will."
She stashed him away in the small library before she ran over to the drawing room to collect Lavinia. Leading her by the hand, they scurried across the hall. But before Mary opened the door she turned to look at Lavinia, who seemed visibly distressed.
"I don't think this is a very good idea," Lavinia said usual meek way.
"Maybe not, but it's your only chance," Mary said.
"Why are you doing this?" Lavinia asked with genuine and great curiosity.
Mary had no real answer for her. She merely gave Lavinia a loving stare and said, "you're my friend and he's my Matthew, and I want you both to be happy."
Lavinia stared back at Mary for a moment as she examined each and every word in her mind. What had she meant by my Matthew? She didn't doubt Mary's sincerity but she did question her resolve and her motivations. It seemed to be killing her to have to do this but she was willing to, even eager to, regardless.
"Well, best of luck and please, give him a chance," Mary said before she gave Lavinia and peck on the cheek and shoved her into the library.
Before she had fully closed the door by the weight of her back, the composure on her face had already broken. The soft porcelain contours of her perfect features cracked under the weight of her conflicted emotions. The agony of her choice, noble and righteous as it was, stung like hell. Why did it have to be so complicated? Why couldn't she just hate Lavinia? She was positioned perfectly to do so. They had been fighting for months, the opening was perfect. Why couldn't she just destroy the girl like she had so many others in so many other instances, for less paramount reasons.
Perhaps, she just found it refreshing to have a genuine friend, a confidant whom she could do more than have polite conversations with. Perhaps, she found something in Lavinia to be admirable. Perhaps, she truly believed that Lavinia could make Matthew happy. Something had changed about her. There was something irreconcilably different about her now and her before the war. She just couldn't quite tell what or when this change had taken place. Regardless, it had caused her many tears and great heartache.
She cried profusely but quietly on one side of the door, while on the other Lavinia and Matthew were likely making amends. When did she become this person? When did self-interest take a backseat to the happiness of those she loved? When did she become capable of loving anyone other than herself? A part of her secretly hoped that they would start yelling and everything she had just concocted would fall to pieces. But that part of her was fading; that part of her seemed to have no control of the designs of her actions anymore. It seemed to be relegated to a nagging feeling, poking and prodding her mind, reminding her of what could have been.
Perhaps, what should have been.
Lavinia and Matthew emerged from the small library a short while later. Mary had gone upstairs to grab a handkerchief and reorient herself. She mustn't appear in front of everyone a weeping mess after all. When she stepped out of her room and made her way downstairs again, she saw Lavinia and Matthew standing next to each other with smiles upon their faces. Mary's heart sank. Her scheme had worked, much to her disappointment.
Much to her disappointment.
"I hope all is well now," Mary said as she mustered up her best smile when Lavinia approached.
"Yes and it is all thanks to you," Lavinia said as she reached over and gave Mary a big hug.
Caught by surprise, Mary held her posture awkwardly as Lavinia clung to her. A moment later, Lavinia disengaged, regaining her sense of propriety.
"I'm sorry, I'm just so happy," Lavinia said with a sigh of contentment, "you're a true friend, Mary."
"I'm happy for you," Mary said with a subtle sigh of exasperation, feigning Lavinia's contentment.
"Mary, are you quite alright?" Lavinia asked.
Caught off her, Mary realized that she must've not gotten every bit of moisture around her eyes.
"Yes, quite alright," Mary answered with an enthusiastic smile.
"I've been thinking," Lavinia began to say, "you were so understanding about my secret… and originally I didn't think it was my place to have an opinion… and the whole reason he threatened me was because…"
"What is it, Lavinia?" Mary cut in to Lavinia's spiel, understandingly.
"I don't think you should accept Sir Richard." Lavinia finally said, "You're my friend and I know that now. And friends look out for each other. Mary, you are kinder and more loving than you yourself realize. You've bought, far too much, into your own reputation. You aren't a cold person and you much love to give. Sir Richard won't appreciate that. You've seen what he's like. He's nasty and a brute. You deserve much better than him, Mary. You deserve to be happy."
"You think me much better than I am," Mary said demurely.
"No, I know this to be true," Lavinia insisted, "you are a wonderful person, Mary Crawley. You deserve a person who believes this as well. You are sharp and witty, it is true. But you are more, don't settle for him, Mary."
A/N: I feel like we've been playing this game of "when is this going to go AU", well there! We're going there now. Games over, you win (you were always going to win lol).