Chapter 21 – Shadow of the Void

A/N: So, another late update…but you'll have to forgive me. I'm graduating high school in less than three months; it's a stressful time for me :S

I will save thank-yous for the end, because you're going to want to read what happens….

And the rain falls down; let it fall to the ground/And the birds don't sing; no they don't make a sound/So I look to the sky; tell me why, tell me why/Do they all get to live and I have to die? – "The Dead Can't Testify" by Billy Talent

Where are we? What the hell is going on? The dust has only just begun to fall. – "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap

Hitsugaya Tōshirō

I realized something was wrong as soon as my eyes opened, and that was the fact that I was able to open my eyes at all.

Didn't I --?

…die…?

Certainly, I wasn't in Hueco Mundo. Trees grasped at the clouded sky, twining their leafless branches into the mass of grey. Surrounding me were the ruins of many stone structures, jagged and crumbling, and strangled by brittle black ivy. The ground was a dry and crackling carpet of pale earth drier than sand and bone-white weeds that prickled my bare feet.

I examined myself; all my injuries had vanished, as had my shredded robes and haori. Instead, I wore only a white yukata.

If I was unhurt, why did I feel so strange? I drew breath, slowly; the dry air provided no sustenance. I became aware of a heavy, hollow ache in my chest. Robotically, I placed my hand on the area.

My heart was not beating.

So…I am dead, then.

This revelation left me dazed. My core felt as though it could be leaden, but at the same time, I felt light, far too light. My reiatsu, something I had borne my whole life, even if I hadn't always been aware of it – it was gone. Hyōrinmaru and I had been forced to part. The spirit that had chosen me a lifetime ago could not follow me to this place where nothing was alive. Not even me.

I'm dead. I died. I lost. I…failed…

And now, I can never ---

…Momo…!

I'd condemned her to live or die at the hands of a madman. She would live as his puppet, as an expendable pawn, until he deemed her worthless and sent her here to rot alongside me in this god-forsaken place. That was her fate now. And mine, it seemed, was to live on, as much as one could live in a dead world, and bear the knowledge that I had brought about the end for the one I loved, dooming her to live the rest of her days in the kind of suffering where death would come as a blessing. I had to exist with that, and know I could do nothing about it.

This was the worst kind of agony. If hell did exist, than this was it. I could imagine nothing worse than being trapped here, forever, helpless, knowing –

I've killed you.

I threw my head back and screamed to the pale sky.

"Momo!!!"

I was the only voice in this world, the only sound. Momo's name echoed, only to fade away as though it had never existed.

Suddenly drained, I collapsed to my knees.

"Why…?"

A whisper was all I had left in me now.

"Why? Why did Aizen have to choose her?"

Clutching my head in my hands, gritting my teeth, I started crying uncontrollably, shaking with sobs.

Why her why her why her

"Why her?"

Pride? What was pride now? A vapid frivolity in which it would be disgusting and heartless to indulge in this time.

"Why…her?"

Tears would make it no better…but they were all I had left.

"Why…why…?"

Momo…Momo, I love you so much…

"Why…?"

Why? Why did it have to come to this? I should have –

"…why…?"

-- if only I'd –

"Why Hinamori Momo?"

-- if I could just –

"I love her…"

-- if only – if only --

It's too late.

No.

No!

"No!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "Please! Someone--! Can anyone hear me? Please, there has to be some way--!" My voice was so hysterical that I could hardly recognize it as my own. The tears continued to fall; my entire face was shining and the front of my yukata was dampened. "Please!!" I screamed. "I'll do anything! Please!!!"

Please!!!

Echo.

Silence.

Then:

"Fascinating, how all you mortal beings are the same. Always grasping at chances hat aren't even there. Tell me, what exactly do you have to bargain with? …That's right. Nothing. You've lost it all, Hitsugaya Tōshirō."

The cool, lilting voice spoke in a tone that belonged to a young child. Standing beside me was a girl whose full height was only a little more than mine when I was kneeling. Her long hair was pure white, like mine. She, too, wore a white yukata, but hers was made of a finer material that seemed to shimmer. She had a sickly-pale complexion with a very slight lavender tinge under her eyes and jawbone. Her face, though of a child's proportions, was more angled than it should be, with prominent features surrounding eyes of a deep crimson.

"Though I have to say," she continued, ignoring my confusion, "that I am a bit disappointed to be meeting you quite so soon. I'd had greater expectation for you.'

She knows who I am…

"all you mortal beings"

…she's not a shinigami…

My mind struggled to grasp ahold of a concept I'd never much thought of before, certainly not enough to have believed…

"Are – are you --- God?"

The girl laughed, a musical, light-hearted trill.

"You would like that, wouldn't you? It would ease your mind to know that there was some higher power with an element of control, someone who could make it okay with a snap of his all-powerful fingers, wouldn't it? Not necessarily would…but could, always could." She smiled, showing subtly pointed teeth. "Well, let me tell you, Hitsugaya Tōshirō, there is no God, no Almighty One, no Creator. Life exists all around us, waiting to be harnessed, and all souls create themselves. Even I cannot create another –but I can destroy them."

"So…who are you?"

"I have no name. I am called the Destroyer or the Curse by some. Mostly, though, I am known as the embodiment of Death, which simply makes what I am a little easier to understand. But know that I do not bring about one's death; I am but the judge of what happens after. I'm sure you're familiar with the terms 'heaven' and 'hell', yes? Those words apply here, however loosely. Aren't you curious to know which one you're in?"

"I'm well aware," I replied, softly. Gathering my strength, I demanded, "Why are you telling me all this? Are you here to mock me? You shouldn't waste your efforts. Nothing can make me suffer worse than I am now."

The girl seemed amused. "So I sensed. You must know, Hitsugaya Tōshirō, that I do not speak like this to everyone. Your reaction to arriving here was identical to those of the vast majority, with one exception. You are one of the rare few whose tears are not shed for himself, but for someone else. A 'Hinamori Momo' in your case. She is very precious to you, yes?"

"Yes," I replied quietly.

Death sat down beside me. "Tell me more." She sounded exactly like the curious little girl whom she only barely resembled.

I spoke very levelly, almost tonelessly.

"She was my best friend for as long as I've known her, and then I realized that I loved her. But I made so many mistakes…I never told her…and now—" my throat tightened "—I've condemned her to live the rest of her life in service to a monster that will eventually kill her. It's all my fault. My pride forced her into that situation and I – couldn't save her." My vision blurred, and I bowed my head as a single tear fell from my eyes. I looked up to meet the curious yet impassive stare of Death.

"I don't care that I'm dead," I said. "All I wanted was for Momo to be free. But I failed. Except –" I did my best to match Death's stare. "I don't think that you would be talking to me now unless – unless you know something. Please, tell me. I said I'd do anything – I meant it. I have nothing to lose now."

Death smirked. "That's what you think," she said. "But, if I were you, I wouldn't be so quick to give up my place in heaven."

"What--?" I looked around at the barren, crumbling world around me. "This is – heaven? All this death? And there's no one else…"

"What do you mean, Hitsugaya Tōshirō? There's plenty of others here. You're saying you don't see them?"

"…I don't."

"and surely you can see how beautiful this place is? Well…I suppose you can't, You're not letting yourself; you're too upset. Don't worry. You'll come around, in time. And, with acceptance, you will this world, La Utopie, how it truly is. You needn't be lonely forever. You can even find your possessive spirit, or one of its embodiments, at least. Yours was Hyōrinmaru, yes? Though you will never again battle together – there are no wars here – you can certainly meet again. But, if you decide you cannot be happy here, you ay choose reincarnation."

Had my heart been beating, it would have skipped. "You mean --?"

"Not so fast," Death cautioned. "if that is what you choose, you will be reborn as a human, in any one of the many countries in the human world. Though your spirit will remain essentially the same, you will be born with a different face and, excepting pure coincidence, given a different name. You will have none of your memories. You will forget you ever knew a Hinamori Momo. You may find her again, someday, I suppose…but she too will look differently, her name will have changed, and she will have forgotten you. She might be reborn anywhere in the world. And, depending on how long she remains in her current circumstances, by the time she reaches the human world, you may have already passed on to the Soul Society once again, seeing as how time moves so differently.

"What I'm saying, Hitsugaya Tōshirō, is if you choose new life, you will be free of the pain you feel now. But it is almost certain you won't see Hinamori Momo again."

The direct, matter-of-fact words being delivered in a child's voice only made them seem to mock me. The heavy, hollow feeling in my chest intensified. "So…those are my only choices?"

Her smile widened. "I didn't say that, now, did I?"

I imagined I could feel my heart in my throat.

"You say you have nothing to lose…but it's not too late for 'hell'…" here eyes sparkled. "I do not like you, Hitsugaya Tōshirō. I hold you in no special favour or regard. I am simply offering you this chance because your situation intrigues me, and I would enjoy watching someone of your character play this little game. Know, however, that it is all one to me if you succeed or fail."

My mouth was dry. "Wh-what is this 'chance'?"

She went o as though she hadn't heard me.

"I am not the ultimate authority. There are certain laws of the universe that cannot be broken by anyone, else the consequences would be disastrous. The laws maintain balance throughout all the worlds. Throughout natural occurrences, existing bridges from one world to another, and the reincarnation cycle, the balance can regulate itself. But should the laws be surpassed, the results would be catastrophic. Entire worlds could vanish suddenly, never to be seen again."

That's exactly what could happen if Aizen succeeds in making the Ou Ken…

"For the dead to return without being reincarnated anew would violate every law of the universe and sway the balance too far. That is why such laws can never be broken. However – with power such as mine – they can be bent."

I could barely contain my rising hope. "So—what does that mean---?"

"I can send you back to Hueco Mundo for a single hour."

I leaped to my feet. "I accept!"

"Not so fast, Hitsugaya Tōshirō," said Death. "There are other things you must know."

"It doesn't matter; I'll –"

"Many before you have said the same thing," said Death coldly. "Most have changed their minds, even after insisting they wouldn't. Do sit down."

Shaken, I slowly lowered my self to the ground once more.

"If you were to go back, you will be whole, uninjured, and at full strength. Hyōrinmaru will follow you. You will find yourself awakening in the exact place your physical body might be lying."

One hour. One hour to set Momo free. "An hour…" I murmured to myself.

The next words from the mouth of Death shocked me even more.

"It can be longer, if the balance can be kept."

"H-how much longer?"

"As long as your life span would have been. You can live as though nothing had ever happened. However--! There is a condition. Should you fail in the task I am about to give you, in order to keep the balance, a price must be paid for the hour during which the law was broken. That price will be nothing more or less than your soul. The soul of Hitsugaya Tōshirō will be lost forever. There will be no chance of reincarnation, only an eternity in the dark. It will be as if –" she paused, then gave a light laugh.

"I've been doing this since the beginning of time, and I still cannot describe it. It is better if I show you, so that you may understand the gravity of what you face." Extending a small, slender hand, she motioned for me to take it. Cautiously, I reached out, and her fingers closed around mine.

Suddenly, there was a feeling like I'd been hit in the back of the head with a heavy, blunt object, and I came to the dull realization that I could remember nothing, not even my own name. My vision began to go dark, and my ears felt as though they were underwater, unable to hear. As the darkness closed in, all feeling was slipping away; I was becoming incapable of feeling the hand (whose hand?) around mine, the clothes against my skin, or the breath that passed my lips from reflex instead of necessity…

…and then…

everything

was

gone

and

I

who

am

I

I

………….

………………………………………….

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When I came back to myself, I was on all fours, the dry grass pricking my palms. I was shaking uncontrollably. My stomach clenched, and I retched, but nothing came up.

There were no words to describe the experience, which had seemed an eternity in itself.

"A soul's mind cannot bear to be filled with nothing," said Death smoothly. "You lose all thought, all memory, all sense -- your mind cannot take it, and it is excruciating. That is L'Enfer, the 'hell' you may have heard of. You suffered for a single minute. That is what awaits you for all eternity should you fail, Hitsugaya Tōshirō. You will receive no second chances, no opportunity for release. You will remain in the agony of void until the end of time."

It was as though there was a choice. If I could be granted one more hour of life – that was one hour more than I'd ever dared to hope to have.

Besides, though L'Enfer was a terrifying experience, it had one advantage: I was not aware of myself as Hitsugaya Tōshirō, and I could not feel the guilt of what I'd done to Momo, because I could not remember her. But, what a sick way to escape -- !

A horrible thought came to me, then. Aizen had been able to manipulate Momo with so little effort – even though she'd managed to break his hypnosis, surely he had other ways of bending her mind to his will. What if he warped her so badly, and made her do such things that, when she was finally allowed to die, she would be sent straight into the void?

Every muscle and tendon in my body, tightened at the thought; I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists.

NO!!!

Never!

"You know now what you risk, Hitsugaya Tōshirō," said Death. "Do you wish to take this gamble, and receive your task?"

"Yes," I replied, without hesitation. "Please, tell me what I must do."

"Very well," said Death with a smile. "In order to preserve the balance between worlds, if you wish to go on existing in the world of the living, you must send someone back to take your place in this one."

"…You mean…I have to kill someone."

"not just anyone, else the laws of the universe would forbid this little deal. One cannot be re-given life by killing the first person they see upon their return. That's hardly fair. Therefore, before you are sent back, you must name the one who will take your place in the world of the dead. No matter how many lives you take within the hour, the agreement cannot be fulfilled unless the life of the one you name is among them."

For anyone else, in any other situation, this would have been difficult. However, it appeared my objective was not going to change at all. The only change was I had an hour to do it.

"As well, keep in mind that, though you will be given an hour's life, you are not invulnerable for that hour. You can be killed just as before, and you will be sent to L'Enfer, as you will have failed, and your soul must pay the price."

So, really – the stakes were no higher than before. Though Death may have enjoyed watching other unfortunates play this twisted game, I needed to do nothing differently.

Except.

An hour.

"Do you understand the rules, Hitsugaya Tōshirō?"

"Yes."

"And…?"

"I accept."

Death's lips curled up, showing her teeth again. "Wonderful. Before we begin…I'll need that name."

Simple. No choice at all.

I forced myself to speak that loathsome name.

"Aizen Sōsuke."

My voice was cold, sharp, and unforgiving. Just the way Hyōrinmaru would be when I buried it in the heart of that monster.

"Very well," Death murmured once more. "So be it. So long as Aizen Sōsuke dies during your hour of life, you, Hitsugaya Tōshirō, may go on living as you should have, and we will recount your adventures together many centuries in the future, I'm sure. If not, then…you know what will happen, and you and I will not be meeting again. Are we agreed?"

"Yes."

She smiled again, red eyes shimmering, and her child's voice seemed to sing mockingly, "Good-bye, Hitsugaya Tōshirō."

I began to feel light, weightless, almost like I was going to float away. My head spun with dizziness, and my vision swam before fading to a white that grew more and more brilliant.

All my sense began to fade away once more and, deep down, I had to wonder if I'd just walked into a trap. At this point, though, there was only one way to find out….

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A/N: There, see? It's all good, right? You don't have to be mad at me anymore!

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Sageheart, KnowledgeandImagination, Maya-chan2007, yozo, Jedi Healer, Puresoul231, chaosdaydreamer, HayesAJones, kbookworm3, talkstoangels77, and especially to XelaKitsune and Tsuki, her muse ^_^

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