034: Not Enough

October, 2011

When Kim steps out of the front door, I slow the motion of the swing on our porch by planting my foot on the wooden floorboards, slowing it until it's still enough for her to sit down next to me. She hands me a glass of wine and pulls her right leg up underneath herself. I thank her quietly and silence falls over us, our eyes trained on separate things around our neighborhood: the setting sun, the man who lives three houses down riding his bicycle, and a small Volkswagen driving by slowly.

"Beautiful, huh?" She asks, putting her hand on my thigh.

I nod and turn to face her, taking a deep breath in hopes to calm my racing heart; I feel like I'm coming out to Helen all over again.

"Kerry? What's up?" She asks, her eyes narrowing. Damn her and her intuition.

"I…I've been thinking…Um…Well…" I stammer, glancing from her face to my lap and back to her face.

She looks genuinely concerned. "It's okay, babe…no matter what it is, it's okay."

I nod and take one deep breath. "I think…I think I want us to have another baby."

Kim stares at me for a moment, one eyebrow arched slightly higher than the other, and then she starts to giggle quietly.

"Stop it, Kim…" I say, slightly annoyed. "I'm not kidding."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" she says, "I know you're not…I just thought it was going to be something…something bad."

I nod slowly then do a double take. "So does that mean…it's not a bad idea? I know we've talked about it, and it never-"

"seemed like the right time." She says, finishing my sentence.

I nod. "But I think…I think now would be a good time: the kids are older, and they're gaining more and more independence, both of our jobs are stable…"

Kim smiles and squeezes my thigh. "I know, and I agree…I've been thinking about it for a while, too…I really don't feel like our family is complete, you know? And I don't think it's a void that a cat or dog could fill…" she says, chuckling.

"No; no dogs." I shake my head, "You don't think the kids are too old, do you?" I ask, my smile falling. Or that I'm to old, I add in my head.

Kim shakes her head, not giving my question a second thought. "Not at all. Don't forget: there are nine years between Mitchell and I, and eight between the twins and I, and we all turned out perfectly fine." She encourages.

I nod. She's right: she and Jack are closer than any other siblings I've ever met, regardless of the rather large age difference between them. "So you didn't mind it? When you were growing up, I mean?"

Kim's eyes move to study the ceiling, her facial expression thoughtful. She's silent for a moment, obviously thinking, before, she shakes her head. "No…well I guess, at times it was rough, but I think there are rough times for all kids when they're growing up. It was really nice when I was younger; Rach and Jack were ten years old when I was born, so as they went into high school I was just starting preschool myself, and then it was practically like I was an only child; they were always off at friends' houses or sports' practices, so all eyes were on me, but I still had that support system of older siblings, you know? That was good for a few years, but when Mitchell came around, I was pretty lonely…my mom would be one hundred percent devoted to him all of the time, or at least that's how it seemed at the time, and with both Rachel and Jack in college, I was pretty much the older sibling, you know, which wasn't something I was used to. At all. But that feeling only lasted a little while…until Mitch was a toddler, I guess."

I nod in understanding.

"But I think that has a lot more to do with my parents than it does with the fact that us kids were so spread out. I don't think either of us will be working ten hours a day, six days a week in the office." She says a little bitterly, undoubtedly speaking of her father, Attorney Robert Legaspi, whom I've never actually met. "And besides, there will only be seven or so years between it and the twins, and nine between Henry." She adds, her tone lighter.

She makes a good point. I take a deep breath and smile a little nervously, looking towards her. "So, you really think this is a good idea?" I ask.

Kim nods, giving me a large smile that I know is nothing but genuine. "There's very little I want more than to have a baby with you, Kerry."

I know every letter of every word of that statement is one hundred percent factual, and I move forward to press my lips to hers.

"Then let's have a baby…" I say quietly, smiling against her mouth.