October 1993-December 1993

Thank goodness for having your birthday on a Monday. After Carol had told him about Susan, she moved out. He was alone in the apartment. Monica had wanted him to move out or at the very least stay in her apartment while he looked for a new place. He declined, he just wanted to be left alone and he was thrilled his birthday fell on a Monday so he could concentrate on work or at least try. There was also Lizzie. Even though Liz still would not hang out with him if he was hanging with Chandler, she wasn't completely out of his life. She was keeping her word and being there for him. She wouldn't talk about what had happened that day outside the bar and he had stopped asking. He liked that she was just there and she would bring Lauren with her. They would sit together in the commissary, eating sandwiches and he would complain.

"I still think you should get out of that apartment," Lizzie said.

"I love that apartment. No, it's my apartment."

"I know. Have you talked to Carol?"

"No. No, I haven't. I can't believe this is over. I'm twenty-four and divorced. I've never dated anyone else. How do I even do that?"

"Don't do it now but eventually….look, when Chandler and I broke up, I had to mourn our relationship….while pregnant. But I didn't date anyone."

"Have you dated anyone?"

"I've tried….but no. Most twenty-four-year-old guys don't want to date a girl with a kid, regardless of how cute she is," Lizzie said, looking over at Lauren who was crumbling her sandwich in her hands. Lizzie leaned over and began ripping it apart for her.

"I would. I would definitely date a girl with a kid."

"If the girl wasn't me, would you feel the same?"

"Sure."

"Ross, come on."

"You and I should date."

"Ross."

"Come on, it would be awesome."

"Okay, let's go tell Chandler that. I can't and besides, you only want to date me so you can feel better. That's why. You will figure it out. I swear."

"This is the worst birthday ever," Ross said.

"Well, come on….the next marriage will work. I swear. You just need to date."

"So do you. Do you have Lauren's Halloween costume picked out?" Ross asked.

"Yep. She's gonna be a Care Bear. I found a cute little pink Care Bear costume. It was between that and a bumble bee. I hope she lets me dress her for Halloween forever."

"Can I come with you when you take her trick-or-treating?" Ross said.

"Yes."

"Can I have her as my child?" Ross asked, giving her a slight grin.

"No, you don't want her as your kid. She doesn't share food and she can be moody and….and I think she's gonna be an actress."

"She's still cute. Mon is having a birthday dinner for me tonight. You wanna come? I know I shouldn't ask, but you can meet Chandler's roommate. He's actually a pretty cool guy. Last night, we were making fun of how Chandler watches hockey games. He went with Chandler to a Rangers game last week and said that Chandler refused to speak to him the entire game."

"It's the weirdest thing. I don't get it. I brought a book to read once."

Ross laughed at that,"seriously?"

"Yes. He would not speak to me until it was over. It was so strange."

"I know. We kept telling him that he was not actually playing," Ross said.

"Doesn't matter."

"But you're not gonna come tonight?" Ross asked.

"No. I'm sorry, Ross. I can't. I'm over Chandler. I am. It's not that….I just want to move on and it would be so dramatic and take away from your birthday. You will still come trick or treating with me and Lauren, okay. I just….I need to move on."

"I understand. You know, Rachel Green is getting married. Monica found out last month. I kind of miss her. Pathetic, right?"

"No. Not at all."

Ross smiled weakly as he let out a sigh. He felt so hollow. There were steps, apparently, grieving steps after all he was mourning the death of a marriage. Denial, anger, bargaining….he could totally be a lesbian. He liked women. He was far from acceptance.

After work, he headed straight to Monica's and up to her apartment for the birthday dinner. He wasn't ready to go home yet. Monica welcomed him in. Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey were sitting at the kitchen table playing Operation.

"No, no….you're killing him," Phoebe whined as Chandler was carefully extracting the funny bone. "Be careful."

"Stop yelling at me. You're the worst," Chandler grumbled.

"No, you're the worst. You're killing Bob," Phoebe said.

"You've named him?" Joey asked.

"Yes, I have. His name is Bob Michaels and he's an accountant on Wall Street and he has a wife named, Mary and two children named, Meg and John," Phoebe said.

"He's not an accountant. He has no clothes," Joey said.

"Well, duh….we're operating on him," Phoebe said.

"You two need to stop. I'm trying to remove the funny bone," Chandler said.

"His or yours? 'Cause yours was removed a long time ago," Ross grinned.

"Nice," Joey said.

"Hey, asshole….how's the wife?" Chandler asked, giving him a look which made Ross laugh. He knew he earned that one as he sat down at the table.

"How are you?" Monica asked, handing him a beer.

"I'm...as good as can be. I've always dreamed of being divorced by twenty-four," Ross said.

"I wish you'd move out of that apartment," Monica said.

"It's my apartment," Ross said.

"I have an extra room," Monica said, pointing towards Phoebe's old room.

"I would kill you," Ross said.

"That's why I moved out," Phoebe mused.

"You know what, you guys….you….I mean, if I wasn't living here, all of y'all would starve. I keep each one of you alive so bite me," Monica said.

Joey, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross exchanged looks and shrugged. It was true. They really couldn't argue. Chandler turned back to the game and successfully removed the funny bone from Bob.

"We should go out tonight," Monica mused.

Ross looked at her, as did the rest of them. Monica suggesting they go out was strangely out of character. She wanted go out.

"Go where? 'Cause I think The Container Store is closed," Chandler said.

"No, it's not….it's opened for another hour and a half but that's not it. Let's go to a club," Monica said.

"You wanna go to a club?" Phoebe asked.

"Yeah," Monica asked. "I mean, it might be fun. You're right, you're twenty four, Ross."

"Maybe you can hook up with someone," Joey said.

"I don't wanna hook up with anyone," Ross said.

"Of course you do," Joey said.

"You know, I'm still technically married," Ross said.

"Ehhh," Joey said. "Technically…..what does that even mean?"

"Are you asking seriously or just saying that? 'Cause in the month we've been roommates, I've realized that's an important question," Chandler said.

"I know what it means. It means you're a butt," Joey said.

"You're a butt," Chandler said.

"Let's go," Ross said.

"What about Bob?" Phoebe asked.

Chandler grinned and took the tweezers and touched the metal edges which made the buzzing sounds. Phoebe looked stunned as the rest of them laughed. Chandler killed Bob.

The five headed out to a club in Manhattan and soon found drinks and an area to sit. It felt kinda nice sitting there with the music pulsating around him. It took his mind briefly off Carol. He liked watching his friends have fun. Monica and Chandler were dancing as were Joey and Phoebe and he liked just watching them. Monica and Chandler soon joined him on the couch, drinks in hand.

"Why aren't you dancing?" Monica asked.

"Just enjoying myself. So Bing, Joey seems like a good roommate," Ross said.

"Yeah...although...and I don't wanna tell you two this because I know what you'll say….but I paid rent this month. All of it, utilities too….Joey said he couldn't afford it," Chandler said.

Ross looked at him and then back at Joey dancing with Phoebe. He knew why Chandler didn't want to say anything. Ross and Monica were always convinced that Kip and Gandalf took advantage of Chandler because of his money.

"Well….I mean, it's only been a month," Ross said. "He just moved in and he's an actor."

"True."

"I also don't think this is like Kip and Gandalf. I think Joey's a good roommate for you. Money aside, I think he's what you need. You guys are like twelve year olds when you're together," Monica said.

"Alright….I like the guy. He's a cool guy and dude, I'm really sorry about you and Carol."

"Thanks. It's just….this is not how I expected to spend my birthday and I haven't even told our parents," Ross said.

"You haven't?" Monica asked.

"I don't even know to start that conversation," Ross said.

"You have to tell them," Monica said.

"Why?" Ross asked. "They'll find out eventually."

"Ross," Monica said.

Ross shook his head as Phoebe and Joey joined them with a round of shots. He knew he would have to tell them. He knew he would have to say something, but he just couldn't. He couldn't admit it. He had failed at marriage. A huge failure. He hated having to admit to that and telling his parents meant it would be true, it would make it real.

He would not move out. He refused. He would stay late at work or go hang out with Lizzie or with Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey. He would go over Monica's list of potential roommates, telling her that she should not have homeless people live with her. After all, even though she had lucked out once, she might not luck out again. He even liked hanging out with Chandler although sometimes he felt left out. Chandler and Joey were incredibly close. They were joined at the hip, often playing or doing things together. He liked that Chandler had a best friend, but he felt a twinge of loneliness. Carol had been his best friend. He had his group, but now they were falling apart. He still had Jonathan and Sam. Jonathan had dated Susan so the two could complain about Susan and Carol.

"Have you even talked to them?" Jonathan asked over beers and pizza. It was now November and he was having get together with Jonathan, Sam, Lizzie and Lauren.

"Nope. Have you?" Ross asked.

"No," Jonathan said.

"You haven't talked to Carol in two months? That's not….what-"

"What am I gonna say to her?" Ross asked, cutting Lizzie off, "the marriage is over. I haven't even told my parents yet."

"How have you not told your parents?" Jonathan asked.

"I-because-they-I just-I am going to be divorced at twenty four. This is not how I've planned my life and I...I don't-" Ross began when the doorbell rang. The group looked at each other. Lizzie instinctively got up and picked Lauren up from her spot where she was brushing her doll's hair. She walked into the bedroom as Ross walked towards the door and opened it to see Susan and Carol standing there.

"Why did you ring the bell?" Ross asked.

"It felt like the thing to do. Can I come in?" Carol asked.

"Fine," Ross said, stepping aside. He looked towards the bedroom and yelled, "Liz, you can come out it's just Carol and Susan." He then looked over at Carol and Susan, "hey, you two know something about that, right?"

"Don't be an ass," Susan said.

"You're the one sleeping with my wife," Ross said.

"Guys. Ross, can I talk to you? Please," Carol said.

Lizzie walked out of the bedroom and placed Lauren back down on the floor. There was a thick layer of tension floating over the room, so obvious that Lauren got up and held on to Lizzie's leg.

"Mommy, what's wrong?" Lauren asked, looking up at Lizzie.

"Uh, nothing sweetie," Lizzie said, picking her back up.

"Just lesbians talking about screwing over-" Ross began.

"Ross, if you finish that sentence-" Lizzie said.

"I'll kill him," Susan said.

"Metaphorically, you've already done that," Ross said.

"Guys, Ross please I need to talk to you," Carol said.

"Fine." Ross said as he walked off towards the bedroom. Carol followed and he shut the door behind him and sat on the bed. Carol kept staring at him.

"Ross-"

"Why is Susan here?"

"Because she wanted to come….I wanted to talk to you-"

"You could've called."

"You would have hung up on me."

"You're probably right, although, you know you never called me last month to wish me a Happy Birthday….or was you telling me that you were leaving me for another woman my birthday gift."

"Please don't be a jerk."

"I get the right to be a jerk."

"I'm sorry. I know you're angry and you have every right to be but...I have another favor. Have you told your parents?" Carol asked.

"No. I was gonna tell them during Thanksgiving. I thought that would be the perfect time to tell them. Like, hey….guess what I'm thankful for? My wife is a lesbian and I'm getting a divorce. Pass the turkey."

"Can I come with you?" Carol asked.

Ross was taken aback by that question. He had not spoken to Carol in two months and now she wanted to come to Thanksgiving with him? That was so bizarre.

"What? With Susan?"

"No. Just you and me….as we did last year."

"We were married last year."

"We're still married."

"Does Susan know what you're asking?" Ross asked.

"No. I told her I was picking up some stuff and….please…"

"Do you know what you're asking?" Ross asked.

Carol sat next to him, tears filled her eyes as she looked at him. She kept crying as she wrung her hands together.

"I haven't told my parents that I'm gay and I can't come out to them, Ross. You know and I'm not ready….I mean-"

"No."

"No?"

"Carol, I'm not lying to my parents. Besides Monica already knows and if Phoebe and Chandler and Chandler's roommate come with us for Thanksgiving, they all know and none of them will keep it quiet. We've been pretending for so long. I can't lie for you," Ross said.

"I can't tell them. They're gonna….I don't know….it was hard enough to tell you. I don't-"

"Carol, you have to tell them. You have to be brave enough to be you. I mean, you destroyed me. You not being true to who you are, not coming clean…..that hurt and it hurts a lot. I don't want this. I wanna be married and you….need to come out to them. No more lying. I'm not lying to my parents, especially when Monica already knows."

"You know my favorite thing about you?"

"What?"

"You're comfortable with you. This is hard."

"I know but you'll be happier when you do it."

"Can I call you after?"

"Of course."

"Can you promise something?"

"Anything."

"We'll still be friends?"

"Of course. We're best friends."

"I'm so sorry."

"I know. Me too."

Carol gently rested her head on Ross shoulder as he squeezed her hand. He did feel slightly bad for her, in spite of everything. He still loved her. Carol would forever remain part of his life, he couldn't see any other way that she would not be. It would be a new type of friendship and one they would have to get used to.

Thanksgiving was him, Monica, Chandler and Phoebe which surprised him. Chandler and Phoebe had spent Thanksgiving together the year before but now they decided to join Monica and Ross. Joey had decided to go home to Queens to spend Thanksgiving with his family. Ross had rented a car and the foursome headed out to Long Island and of course there was plenty to gossip about, of course starting with their old friend getting married.

"Would you really wanna track Rachel down?" Phoebe asked. She and Monica were in the backseat.

"She's getting married. If we run into her, I won't be mad," Monica said.

"That poor bastard who has to marry that brat," Chandler mumbled from his spot in the passenger's seat.

"How do you still hate her? Have you had any interaction with her since that Thanksgiving?" Ross asked as he got on to the highway.

"The hatred runs deep," Chandler said.

"I am happy she is getting married and she is living the life she's always wanted….or the life her parents always wanted," Monica said.

"Lucky her. So, okay, Joey is not here. How's he panning out?" Ross asked.

"He still has not paid rent. I like the guy, I really do. I don't wanna kick him out-"

"No, don't kick him out. He's the best thing that's ever happened to you," Phoebe said.

"Besides the Gellers who have kept you alive for the past six years," Monica said.

"Here, here," Ross said.

"True and you guys make great points but he doesn't contribute and I don't think he's taking advantage of me like Kip and Gandalf were….I don't get that feeling," Chandler said.

"I don't think he is either, actually," Monica said.

"He said he has some stuff in his past. He was getting away from some stuff or whatever….some shady stuff. I think this guy has a past. Like a shady past and not like sitting under trees," Chandler said.

"What do you mean?" Ross asked.

"I don't know. He won't tell me stuff. Okay, he's an actor who barely works and okay, he was in Los Angeles and he came back here and-" Chandler said.

"And he worked in construction, I know that," Phoebe said.

"Was it really construction?" Monica asked, grinning a little.

"Wait, wait….you think he killed someone?" Chandler asked.

"No, no...no….." Monica said, "but he does like to be naked."

"That doesn't mean he killed someone," Ross said.

"He killed someone with his nakedness," Chandler said.

"No, no….wait, you know mobsters sometimes have businesses that are fronts for other things," Ross mused.

"You think he's a mobster?" Monica asked.

"No, mobsters pay people….or pay rent. Mobsters are good with money," Chandler said.

"How do you know?" Ross asked.

"I watch movies," Chandler said.

Ross laughed as the foursome continued to think about Joey. They began to question his past, wondering what was going on with this newest member of their group and why he could not pay rent. The conversation about Joey also got his mind off of the talk about Carol, he knew he would have to talk about Carol. He would have to tell his parents about Carol. He was dreading it. When they finally got to the house, Jack and Judy were waiting for them and when they asked where Carol was, all eyes landed on him. He was secretly hoping at that moment, Chandler would make a joke or Monica would tell but no, they chose that moment to be mature and let him handle it. So Monica, Chandler and Phoebe walked off to the bar and Ross confided in his parents that his marriage was indeed over and the reason was because Carol was gay.

He waited for their reaction, he thought they would judge or ask questions and there were some. Jack told him that he knew a lesbian at work and Judy hugged him and asked what he was going to do. He was thankful for their support, thankful but the more support he got, the more he was worried about Carol. He kept wondering what was happening on her end and he got his answer towards the end of the meal while Chandler, Jack and Ross were watching the football game and Phoebe and Monica were gossiping at the kitchen table while eating pie. Judy was messing around in the kitchen and got the phone first. When she handed it to Ross, he shooed her away and immediately by Carol's voice, he knew it hadn't gone well.

"They want to send me to Church Camp," Carol said.

"You're twenty four years old," Ross said.

"I know, they didn't take it well. They asked it was a phase and if I could work things out with you and it's just….."

"I'm sorry, Carol."

"No….no, I'm okay. I needed to do this. I have to be true to myself. It's not fair, I can't keep lying, you're right. I'm sorry for dragging into all this and I'm sorry for asking if I could come with you to Thanksgiving and….I'm sorry."

"I know. I'm sorry it's coming to this and….and for what it's worth, I loved being your husband and I'm gonna miss it."

"I loved being your wife. I'm going to miss being a Geller."

"You'll always be a Geller. You know us, we don't give up on the ones we love. I will always love you."

"I'm happy."

"You sound thrilled."

"I know, right but I'm gonna be happy. I'm me. This was hard."

"I know."

"I should go. Thank you. It's gonna be a long Thanksgiving," Carol said.

Ross smiled weakly as he hung up the phone. Judy walked up behind him and gently squeezed his shoulder.

"You alright?" Judy asked.

"I will be."

Ross walked off towards the table where Monica and Phoebe were sharing a cherry pie, he grabbed a fork and picked up the pie.

"Hey," they both said together.

"I'm getting divorced, screw you both," Ross said, his mouth full of pie.

"Mom," Monica yelled.

Judy laughed walking out of the kitchen with another cherry pie and placed it in between Phoebe and Monica, "here you go, girls."

"Thank you, mom," Monica said.

Ross took his pie and retreated back to the couch with his father and Chandler. It was a different kind of Thanksgiving, a different kind of holiday that year. Soon Thanksgiving led into Hanukkah and Christmas and he spent it with Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Joey. Then there was New Year's Eve. Monica had invited him to their house and the five would ring it in together but before heading over there, he got a weird call from Lizzie. She sounded upset so he lied and told Monica that his friend, Jonathan was having a party and he was headed there.

When he got to Lizzie's apartment, she was already a little drunk. Lauren was asleep and she was alone. She poured him some champagne and they drank in silence until Ross decided to break it.

"You gonna tell me what's going on?" Ross asked.

"No, nothing….I'm just lonely. I mean, it's New Year's Eve and I love Lauren. I do. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me but I have some friends and I was invited to one of those big parties where the tickets are ridiculously expensive but I couldn't find a sitter and I feel like I'm missing so much and I hate that I feel this way because I shouldn't. I'm a mom and I'm so grateful but I'm….I'm sorry-"

"No, Liz. I get it."

"I'm just having a pity party."

"I'll join your pity party."

Lizzie smiled as they continued drinking. Glass after glass, they continue until the countdown to 1994 began. As they counted down, both were sufficiently drunk as they leaned in and soon were kissing. Their inhibitions completely vanished as soon they gave into one another. It was wrong, both knew it. Ross was still technically married and Lizzie had dated Chandler but neither cared at that moment, both wanted to feel something better than what they were feeling. They wanted to get rid of the pain that had been building up for months, the loneliness, the desires, the feelings of hopelessness and loss. They wanted to feel something else. They wanted happy. He reached under her shirt and gently pulled it off as they kept going, letting everything take over. Maybe they'd regret it, maybe in the light of day, they'd call it a mistake in that moment, every ounce of pain they felt melted away in one euphoric moment. They would enter the first moments of 1994, happy.