A/N Ok so stay with me on this, trust me this is a Shepard Liara romance, but sometimes love needs to struggle to make it stronger… apparently suffering is good for the soul, or this could just being going really dark… feedback on the severely left of cannon turns in this chapter would really be appreciated.

And apologies for the delay getting this one to you, as you can imagine it took a bit of plotting and I had to edit down quite severely. Next chapter will be with you double quick time.

Chapter 21

Nine months after recovering Shepard's body – T'Soni estate Thessia

Liara opened her eyes and looked around her bedroom. She had moved into her old suite of room's and had updated them, well Matriarch T'Joan had organised it all; including clearing Liara's flat on the Citadel and trying her best to make at least some of the rooms feel more like the young Asari's.

But Liara wasn't thinking about the room or the long shadow cast by her mother. Liara was feeling, once again, as if she had betrayed Shepard and everything they had together. Last night she had slept with Shiala, and not for the first time.

It had started a few weeks after she had walked away from Shepard in that cold, sterile laboratory, any real hope of a miracle gone. Shepard was dead, she wouldn't be coming back. Liara had gone into free fall, and was literally stuck at the moment she 'felt' Shepard leave her, the moment of death she had shared with her love.

Shiala had been her constant companion, helping with light melds to give Liara some peace and meditating together. Liara woke one night, as she often did, not being able to breath and Shiala had joined with her to try to calm the panic, and from nowhere a wave of need and desire took hold of Liara and the joining turned into sex.

Liara was clear that what happened between her and Shiala was just sex, and she was also aware of why she seemed to keep doing it. She actually felt the smallest part alive while in the join, rather than existing in the void of anything other than loss and grief that she was overwhelmed by the rest of the time.

And the feelings that came after, the sense of betrayal, disgust and anger at herself for being weak despite being negative gave some form of distorted sense of relief to the ever present sense of despair.

It was also nothing that connected her to Shepard; it was a pure Asari sexual join, Liara wasn't trying to recreate what she had, that could never be done and she was only 'sharing' and very specific part of herself.

Liara had made progress since those first terrible weeks, with the help of her local temple and the priestess's, but how she had started to put herself back together was causing huge concern to those who could see what was happening.

She was now essentially two versions of herself. The 'old' Liara was stuck in grief and loss and was making progress towards healing much more slowly than would be expected due to the psychological and spiritual damage done when Shepard died.

The 'new' Liara, the one that could function, the face the world dealt with was harder, focussed, not unfeeling but distant, colder, and to some who knew her mother, much more like Benezia.

This was the Liara that on occasion allowed her mother's devoted follower into her bed and this was the Liara that was aware that Shiala wanted much more than just sex.

As soon as Liara was able she turned all her attention and resources towards taking down the Shadow Broker. Not just for trying to give Shepard's body to the Collectors but she had also found out it was the Shadow Broker who gave the location of the Normandy to them. She was also trying to find out where the Broker got that information, whoever had betrayed her soul mate she would deal with personally, with her own hands.

Liara had set up as an information broker, using her mother's extensive contacts and influence, which passed to Liara as her heir and incorporated Shiala's network which gave her connections into the murkier world of mercs and disreputable corporations.

The main house was certainly big enough to accommodate the equipment needed and she had hired a small team of expert information, intelligence and tech experts and persuaded Doctor Kasumi Goto lead the team.

Liara hadn't completely forgotten the Reapers, she instructed that part of the team and her resources remained focussed on that threat, and particularly trying to identify anyone who may be a Reaper supporter or indoctrinated follower.

Aria had been right that making an enemy of the Shadow Broker came with consequences. Several attempts had been made to kill Liara and the only place she was truly safe was inside her estate which had re-established its commando training school and has heavily fortified and guarded by handpicked Asari, Turian (picked by Garrus) and Krogan (sent by Wrex) teams.

She rarely travelled, even on Thessia, and then only for official functions or private meetings which helped to cement her position in Asari society, essential to maintain her connections and influence.

Liara could only trade on her mother's name for so long; luckily her part in saving the council and also re-instating the good name of her mother had put her in high standing in her own right.

Her plan was simple enough, impossible, but very… Shepard. Find the Shadow Brokers base, attack it, kill him and kill anything that got in her way. It was Garrus that added they should also blow it up as a tribute to Shepard's love of 'blowing stuff up'.

While she was working on that she did her best to thwart any and all plans the Broker had, she was also in direct competition with him and although his network would always be unrivalled she was able to hurt his business and was gathering a steadily growing client list who dealt with her in preference to the Broker.

Aria also continued, occasionally, to provide help and sometimes advice. They had not spoken directly again but she received recorded transmissions on their secure comm link and Aria's information was always surprisingly relevant to whatever problem that Liara was currently working on.

While grateful and certainly a huge advantage for Liara, she still didn't understand why Aria had been or continued to be so kind and helpful to her, despite the pretence, as Liara now saw it, of it being a 'business' arrangement.

Sometimes in the darkest moments of the night the young, shy, insecure and socially awkward Liara would feel the ravage of jealousy as thoughts of just how close Shepard and Aria had been came unbidden into her mind, there seemed no other explanation as to why the queen of Omega would continue to be so helpful.

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As Shiala walked away from Liara's bedroom she thought about the previous night and wondered if there was any change. It had been as aggressive and violent as ever, but was there a slightly deeper connection?

She would not rush things, she had time, they had time. Shiala had played her hand well so far and she was exactly where she wanted to be; back in her position as Captain of the T'Soni commando's team and the school; more recently Liara's official escort for public occasions and access to her bed. Shiala was the right hand of Benezia's daughter, which meant her old mistress's legacy was all but assured. Shiala could see Liara growing more like her mother every day.

Even if this war against the Shadow Broker was ill advised and a legacy of her misplaced affection for Shepard it was training the young Asari and giving her focus, it would do for now, until Liara got the loss of her human out of her system.

And, with time, Shiala was confident affection would follow, she had after all initiated the sexual join at just the right moment and yet Liara was convinced it had been her own. Shiala's plan to be not only Liara's right hand but also her bondmate was only a matter of good planning and timing.

Shiala was a skilled and practised manipulator, she had learned from the best, but Liara was also vulnerable to anyone who could get inside her barriers, and Shiala had done that easily by betraying the Shadow Broker and bringing news of Shepard's body to the grieving young woman.

But Shiala knew she needed to remain careful there were still too many wary eyes and until she could get rid of the likes of Vakarian and Goto she would progress her plans slowly.

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Twelve months after recovering Shepard's body – Top secret Cerberus facility, Attican Traverse

"Thank you Wilson send the results through to my private office," Miranda Lawson was looking across at the bio bed inside the sterile glass pod housing the work in progress that was Commander Shepard, "let's call it a day. I want to run a full nervous system test in the morning first thing," she finished now looking at Doctor Wilson and the two other scientists in the laboratory.

Miranda left them and entered her private office. This was a very secure mini laboratory to which only Doctor Lawson had access and within which she was developing nanite tech specifically for Shepard based on the Prothean nanites that she now had access to.

She had set the lab up to keep even the Illusive Man's prying eyes out; with false feedback loop and non-networked systems for ultimate privacy. Miranda Lawson did believe in what Cerberus was doing, she believed that humanity needed to be strong and be able to hold their own against the other races, but she wasn't always convinced about the methods.

But she owed ''TIM' everything, he had given her protection from her father and was even now protecting her sister so that she could have a normal ordinary life out of the reach of the monster that 'created' both his daughters from his own genetic material.

Her personal loyalty was unwavering, but that didn't mean she couldn't retain some areas of her work, which was after all her life, wholly under her control. And the other project she was working on in secret absolutely had to remain out of the reach of the Illusive Man, at least for now.

She sat down at her console and opened her private and confidential log.

"We have completed the integration of the genetically modified and enhance nervous system. In body testing will begin tomorrow and if performance is as expected we will be able to re-introduce internal organs as the next step but fully integrating into the circulatory system will take at least eight weeks work.

Facial reconstruction has been completed; I have decided to use Shepard's own cloned eyes rather than a tech replacement. It is vital that on waking the Commander feel's as much her as possible and to that end I have also retained the facial scarring."

Miranda stood up and walked across to her un-networked system and checked the latest readout of results from 'experiment double X', and then resumed with her log entry.

"I am now in a position to move forward with the double x project… but… am I any better than my father if I do this," Miranda had lost the terse discipline of the scientist making her data fuelled progress reports, this was an altogether more 'confessional' tone.

"I took the material as a backup in case we lost Shepard… but was that really the only reason… and now… I have a unique opportunity to create life, as my father did, but not for the same reasons and certainly not for the same ends," Miranda pulled herself together and continued in her more usual clinical style.

"The genetic manipulation has been a success and the integration of a small amount of my own genetic material providing biotic abilities is now complete. The only decision remaining is do I move to the next stage and if so tank bred or implanted."

Miranda sat deep in thought before finally turning off the log. 'I will never have a child of my own,' she thought, 'it would always carry to much of my father's genetic material… but this… opportunity… and it would be safer, no lab to protect and hide.' Her thoughts drifted on even as she walked back into the main lab now empty and quiet except for the hum of machines.

"Good evening Shepard," she only ever 'spoke' to Shepard when they were alone, "I have a decision to make and I can only image what your answer would be." Miranda stood looking into the now more recognisable, despite the bruising and red glow from still exposed cybernetics, face of the Commander.

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Twenty months after recover of Shepard's body – T'Soni estate, Thessia

"What the hell happened," Garrus was rushing out from the house as two shuttles landed on the front lawn, "I knew it was a mistake letting you go in person Liara." He had now reached the doorway of the first shuttle and moved from speaking through comms to speaking directly to Liara herself as she disembarked.

She had cuts on her face and her armour was covered in blood, she waved him off and walked swiftly into the house and headed straight for the information hub. The now depleted squad of commando's that had gone with her were also disembarking, it looked to Garrus's eyes that they had lost eight of the twenty with three being stretchered of the shuttles.

Then it struck him, no Shiala, he turned and hurried after Liara. He caught up with her as she was frantically trying to direct her intelligence team to search for any indication as to where her attackers had headed after they left the scene of the fight.

"Liara we have been searching since you called in from the location and we will continue to search for them but you need to get that armour off and checked over… please Liara," it was Kasumi who was speaking in soft calming tones and who gently began to lead the wild eyed Asari toward the door and the waiting Matriarch T'Joan.

Once Liara was safely on her way for medical attention Garrus asked for as much information as Kasumi had on what now appeared to be a well-executed and deadly ambush.

"The contact was real enough and I'm convinced the Shadow Broker didn't have the location of the meeting until the last minute… we were betrayed by Vasir but that will be impossible to prove to the satisfaction of the Council."

"But where's Shiala? She wasn't on the shuttles and how the hell did Liara get into any kind of danger." Garrus continued, "I knew it was a mistake all too convenient, location of the Shadow Broker my ass, and having to meet in person, even if it was on Thessia."

Garrus felt both angry and guilty for being talked out of going with Liara who wanted to make sure the estate would be properly protected if this was a ruse to split their forces and so insisted he stayed behind.

"From the comms traffic I've managed to work out roughly what happened," Kasumi said and led him across to one of the consoles. As she played back vid cam footage from a variety of sources including Shiala's own and she talked him through the highlights.

"It seems as soon as Liara and the team arrived at the rendezvous an explosion took out the building and almost immediately the Shadow Brokers men arrived.

Liara insisted on going inside to try to find the contact so they fought their way in still thinking Vasir was helping. By the time they reached the contact Shiala realised it was actually a trap, but she fought off Vasir for the data got it to Liara and ordered the bulk of the team to get her to safety while she stayed with a handful of her team to protect the escape.

We were able to keep connection up until they were overrun and from suit readouts all the other commando's in Shiala's squad were killed but she was taken alive."

They both continued to study the now repeating vid feed from the attack and realised just how hard Liara would be taking this loss. And despite Garrus's feelings about Shiala's personal relationship with Liara all of which were negative, he freely admitted Shiala's loyalty to the young Asari was absolute. She would be a huge loss and Garrus feared Liara would be in danger of becoming reckless in her efforts to get Shiala back.

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Twenty one months after the retrieval of Shepard's body - Top secret Cerberus facility, Attican Traverse

"We will be reviving her later today, I'm just having her moved to a room in the medical facility so that she wakes up in a hospital bed rather than in a laboratory," Miranda was talking to a tall, muscular woman with short blonde hair and steel grey eyes, who was standing next to her.

They were both looking into the lab through a one way mirror at the resting form of Commander Shepard now lying on an ordinary bed having been moved from the bio bed and sterile room over a week previously.

"I suggest I make my appearance after you've dealt with her anger when you tell her you work for Cerberus," Tasha Mikhailovich said with a smile, "you tell her you've employed me to help her transition she may be less suspicious that way."

"Are you telling me that she has no idea you were caught spying for Cerberus while you were still in the Alliance and have worked for us ever since?" Miranda had only met Agent Mikhailovich an hour ago and had the barest of briefings.

"The Illusive Man has very powerful supporters within the Alliance, a deal was made and the records were… altered," she smiled again, "it was always his intention that I should be rehabilitated back into the Alliance when certain people were no longer… around… but this seems like a much quicker route. I'll wait for you call."

Miranda watched as the woman walked away and felt completely torn between her loyalty to The Illusive Man and the work that Shepard had been brought back for and her loyalty, yes… it was loyalty she was feeling, for Shepard. 'Remember what's at stake Miranda, remember where the power is', she thought to herself and left to make the final arrangements to 'wake' Shepard up.

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Shepard was aware light on her closed eyelids and of feeling warm and comfortable, but very, very strange.

"Commander, my name is Doctor Miranda Lawson, you're safe and in a medical centre. You have had extensive surgery for you injuries so try to relax and once you are completely awake I will answer any questions you may have." Miranda was alone in the room with Shepard but aware that they were being recorded and that the Illusive Man may well even be watching the 'event' live.

The voice Shepard heard was a woman's, 'was that an Australian accent, easy on the ear whatever it was,' she thought, 'last thing Shepard what was the last….'

"My ship, Liara… crew…" the memory, her last memories came flooding back to her and as she spoke she heard her voice gravelly and dry, she struggled to open her eyes and focus.

"Let yourself come around properly Commander and…, " but Shepard cut Miranda off now with her eyes open and trying hard to focus on the Doctors face.

"Liara is she ok… where is she," now struggling to sit up Shepard shot a hand out and clasped Miranda around the wrist forcing a gasp of pain from the Doctor.

"Steady Commander you're much stronger than you were before… before you… had your surgery." Miranda rubbed her wrist pleased at the strength and motor control the result of her work.

"Sorry… just need to know… stronger…" the last word was more of a question, but Shepard realised the futility of fighting against what must be the remnants of sedation. She relaxed back into the bed and began deep breathing to calm herself and took stock of her body trying to work out what felt off.

After around ten minutes, during which time the Doctor seemed to be checking read outs from the machines Shepard was hooked up to, she felt alert and awake and opened her eyes this time able to take in her surroundings and the woman in the room.

"Look the last thing I remember was being spaced and passing out from complete loss of oxygen, so were the readings fouled up or did I get grabbed by one of the escape pods?" Shepard said asking the question she had been running around in her head for the last five minutes, she had been toast, yet here she was, "and tell me right now about my crew and Doctor T'Soni please."

Shepard was pleased to find she was alive but her mood wouldn't last if she didn't get the answers she wanted. Every instinct in her mind and body was telling her this whole thing was wrong.

"I'll give you the short version and fill in the detail as you need me to," Miranda thought she might as well get it all out at once.

"There was no read out malfunction and you didn't get rescued, you died Commander, we tracked down your body and stopped it being handed over to the Collectors. I brought you here as my research was the only thing that was going to bring you back and allow anyone to rebuild you." Miranda could see the disbelief and confusion in those very green eyes, "that was around twenty one months ago, this is October 2185."

"Nearly two years… I'm having trouble getting my head around that… dead… but you can't bring someone back from the dead… that's… what the fuck have you done to me… what am I?" Shepard's voice although still rough was loud and anger was clear to see on her face and in her body language.

"Well in fact my project does theoretically have the ability to re-start the brain… but that doesn't matter because when I got you here I didn't need to… you did die but at the very point of death your brain was put into stasis and so when your body was rebuilt I was able to reverse the stasis field.

You are extensively rebuilt Commander, using your own genetic material, cybernetics and nanite technology, but who you are, is exactly the same… nothing about you has been changed… your brain, your mind was merely on pause." Miranda finished she was sure that once Shepard understood that fact she would be more comfortable with the situation and once Miranda explained just how enhanced her body was Shepard would be impressed and grateful.

"Liara? My crew?" Shepard was letting the information sink in … it wasn't sinking in very far, in fact she felt like a caged animal and the tension inside her head was mounting at an alarming rate.

"Doctor T'Soni survived the attack and is now living back on Thessia, with someone I think you know Shiala Galine, and is running the family estate. Your former team mates have all dispersed back to whatever they were doing before they joined your mission, they all survived.

I am sorry to tell you that your losses from the crew of the Normandy were considerable, twenty eight on the final count, and they included Ashley Williams. The Alliance declared you dead within twenty four hours of the attack. They gave you a medal and memorial service in Vancouver." Miranda had been told exactly what to say by The Illusive Man when it came to Liara T'Soni, he didn't want Shepard distracted from the mission by her former connections.

"Living with… as in together" Shepard had gone white and her voice was now quiet, "that can't be… how." Shepard turned looked at Miranda and their eyes met, the depth of pain and confusion was palpable, but there was nothing Miranda could do, she had her orders.

"I'm sorry Commander, for you it's been moments, minutes but for everyone else you died nearly two years ago. People move on.

Perhaps when you get to your quarters you want to look through the news vids and surveillance footage that I have pulled together covering the time you have been out of commission, that will allow you to see how your death was reported and there is coverage of your friends and family.

I have tried to replace as much as I could of your personal possessions and clothing to try to make you feel a little more at home here as well." Miranda was aware that the footage of Liara had been carefully edited, although showing her at the memorial service it jumped forward quickly showing her apparently happily getting on with her life Shiala on at her side at public functions on Thessia.

"So let me get this straight," Shepard said her voice now steady but anger evident in every syllable, "my partner is now happily living with someone else, everyone that ever knew and cared about me believes I'm dead, but what is it that you haven't told me so far to really make my day… this is not an Alliance facility, this is not a Council operation… so that only leaves one other organisation that would have the resources to pull this off and any reason to keep me out of the hands of the Collectors?" Shepard had been working through the angles, it had to be Cerberus. 'Not only in the arms of the enemy but re-fucking built by them,' she thought bitterly.

"Yes Commander this project is funded by Cerberus and I work for them, but I have complete authority here… I understand your history with Cerberus has not been a good one… but," Shepard cut Miranda off.

"Not good Doctor Lawson is the biggest understatement I think I've ever heard.

So I can add Alliance traitor to the list of things that are shit to wake up to.

Given the fact that my life, as I knew it, is a compete train wreck, and I am going to spend the next shit knows how long trying to convince the Alliance and Council that I had nothing to do with this and just fucking woke up to this nightmare… if they ever believe me… can you tell me why in the name of all the fucked up shit in the galaxy you bothered to bring me back from the dead… unless of course you think I'm going to stay here and work with terrorists?" Shepard began getting out of bed, Miranda could think of absolutely nothing to say.

"I need some time on my own and the use a gym… I need to get a feel for this new body you've given me," Shepard, with a monumental effort of self will had made the switch in her head to professional, Alliance officer mode working hard not to let any of her feelings leak out. "And keep anyone wearing a Cerberus uniform out of my eye line or I'll be testing my new found strength sooner rather than later." Shepard looked directly into Miranda's eyes and then into the camera that was overlooking the room.

This was a hostile environment she was sure of it and until she understood what was going on she was going to play it very safe.

"Of course Commander and your questions will all be answered when you meet the Illusive Man later. In the meantime perhaps you'd like to follow me to your quarters."

'So I get to be in the same room as Jack Harper do I, well this day could end better than I expected, I will kill that son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do', Shepard thought as she followed the Doctor out of the small hospital room to start her new life.