An hour later I was dressed into my gear again and was sorting the supplies out in the call kits we carried, I made sure that they had full medical kits, gear was all neatly wrapped and safe to use and that there was no damage to the actual rucksacks. I completed my inventory and moved on to restocking the weapons locker; something brain numbing to do as I checked each weapon and marked those that needed cleaning. I knew someone was behind me as I restocked the ammo, you could feel the tension in the air.

"You're hurting because you were betrayed Mackenzie, betrayed by those who trained you and were meant to have your back in that hell hole; I can't imagine the shock you must have had in that moment when you saw him."

I put the box of ammo down on the counter and turned around to face Parker who was watching me with concern; I moved out of the locker and sat on the bench and put my head in my hands.

"I think that may be an understatement boss. These guys trained me well, they gave me the tools I use today in this job – I wouldn't be here if not for them. It was the CO who kept me grounded after the attack, who kept me from killing myself one night because I grieved for my friends," I started to whisper.

He looked shocked at that comment, he didn't know about the suicide attempt, no-one did, not even Spike.

"Oh yeah, I tried and he talked me out of it, he knew I didn't have anyone left so he introduced me to JTF2 and I was basically adopted by them; I learned to smile again, to support myself again whenever an IED casualty came in – I learned from the best to become the best I could be. I am a medic who is trained in combat techniques and manoeuvres, I can fire multiple weapons with 97% accuracy, plant charges to breach walls, talk people down from rooftops after they find out their cat died – but I can't control this anger!" I hissed through my teeth.

I was clenching my fists, the constant anger and grief was welled up inside me and I needed to let it go before it caused me to do something stupid; Greg knew that and he made no comment at my body language.

"You need to learn Mac, we have all had to learn and this is going to be a painful lesson, one I wish I could spare you! Colonel Thomas will keep us informed about any developments – you need to keep me informed about how you are feeling while you are on shift – you can't go into a situation angry as you can make bad choices!" he replied stepping forward.

"I will, tonight I am just feeling very raw that's why I am voluntary doing the restock and clean up detail. Is there any word on Sam?" I asked.

"Yeah he's awake and responsive and Ed has been to see him and should be back shortly. I hear you shot Toth?" he replied.

I looked up at him and a small laugh huffed out of me at the smirk on his face; I nodded in reply and then just started to laugh as I thought of something.

"Boss – SRU 1: Toth 0 – let Ed know I want to see him later on the range alright – I have a request to ask since we are a marksman short."

He caught onto my meaning immediately and shook his head.

"No, not going to happen Mac – you heal people not take lives by shooting them 2km away!" he whispered.

"In my near two years here I have never had a lethal shot and I know it's because everyone thinks I can't handle it; that needs to change as we need to cross train and learn as much about our enemies as possible."

"Still not going to happen," he replied shaking his head.

I took a step forward and he backed off.

"Boss – you know I am right about the cross training and it's not like I haven't shot at people before in the military, the only difference here is the civilian aspect and that is something the SIU deals with. I understand your reluctance, but I have the right to ask this training – Ed basically offered it to me when I first qualified. I'm not asking to be primary sierra, but an extra set of spotter hands would not be a bad thing!"

I could tell by his body language that he was strongly opposed to my request, seems he wanted at least one innocent soul on the team.

"I don't want to put you through the emotional rollercoaster you see in Jules, Ed and Sam after they take a shot from the perch – we need someone pure in this team, someone who fights to save lives and not take them!" he replied.

"What the hell are you guys talking about?" a voice came around behind me.

I turned around and Wordy was standing there with Ed, both of them were looking at us with half concern and half confusion on their faces – they had heard the last part of what I had requested and both shook their heads.

"Train me, I want the training!" I hissed to Ed.

"Marksmanship training, are you crazy?" Wordy replied.

Greg was pacing in front of the weapons locker, he wasn't happy and was probably thinking this was one of my more reckless requests.

"You offered, and an extra pair of hands never hurt anyone and it frees one of you guys to do hard tactical if required!" I replied.

"Boss, what brought this conversation on?" Ed asked.

"Nathan Toth, the man who killed himself before the blast – he has been identified as being alive and part of the unit after Mac. She wants her training, but I am thinking you want revenge?"

I turned to him and shook my head.

"How little you know me. Yes I want revenge – but not at the cost of my conscience and honour and I sure as hell would not break the law and murder a man because he hates me for some reason. You taught me that anyone can bounce around the rainbow, but by training and learning, developing your skills…..you can help them bounce into the right colour and get a peaceful outcome. If that doesn't show you that I am in full control of my faculties and bear no grudge – then we have a serious problem!"

I headed back into the corridor and headed into the range, I took a deep breath and picked up the first weapon to clean and service.

Several hours later the locker room was gutted out and cleaned, the weapons locker was sparkling and fully stocked and I had even finished my paperwork for the week. I was watching the dawn come across the sea from another good perch, I was on the roof under an awning and I was enjoying the sparkling cold air. I heard the door go on the roof entrance and heard the footfalls come across to the small awning; Spike came to join me with a fresh cup of coffee. He didn't ask anything, he just sat beside me and watched the dawn come in as I leaned into him and started to cry.

"What has Toth done to me?" I whisper.

"I swear I will find out when we catch him Mac!" he replied holding me tight.

I curled into him and he rocked me gently as we watched the stars over the lake.