Chapter Twenty-One

My back slammed against the wall of my bedroom, and I was pinned against it. I kept my eyes closed tightly, not caring to see the sight I'd seen a thousand times before.

After a brief pause to make sure I wasn't about to try anything stupid, his left hand released my arm, and with lightning speed, re-adjusted its position at my throat. His right hand remained in place.

"I asked you a question," he hissed – cold fury replacing his prior violent rage. His face was closer to mine, now, confident that he was in control. His breath stank of stale alcohol and a smoke that I could not identify, but knew well all the same.

The pressure at my throat made it hard to summon my voice, but knowing it would only worsen if I were not to reply, I strived to speak.

"Yes," I choked, affirming I was listening. His breathing slowed a little, pleased I wasn't defying his self-declared authority. He was a narcissist – it would have seemed to him a ridiculous prospect for me to try such a thing.

"Good," he snarled, loosening his grip slightly; I drew in a gasping breath.

And then it was worse than ever – his hands pressing against my throat and shoulder, heavier than concrete, unrelenting. I twisted my left arm up and grasped his right wrist, trying to break its hold frantically. My right flew to the one at my throat.

I could feel the lack of oxygen dizzy me, throat burning and lungs constricting. I tried to scream, but my voice wasn't present. I kept my eyes closed. No doubt he would have the same look of fierce triumph, the same winning sneer.

I couldn't bear it much longer. I needed air. My head spun; I forgot where I was, and what was happening…

But then my breaths – though raw and desperate – were hurrying in and out of my throat again. I clutched at my neck, ignoring the soreness that made me want to scream.

When I opened my eyes, he was gone.

See James, I know what you're going through. But you know what I did differently? I let you in, I told you how things were going with Katie, my mom, and me after my dad left, after the abuse had stopped. Now why can't you do the same thing for me? Don't act like I haven't seen the cuts on your wrists. I'm not blind. I'm not stupid. I've been there. Sure I haven't cut, but I've been in your position, I know what it feels like to think that everything is going completely wrong and that there's nothing that you can do.

But there is something you can do. You can reach out me, Carlos, and Logan. I can't help you; I can't even force you to get help, until you've shown that you want help. I'm not abandoning you James and I never will, I hope you know that.

Please…let us help…

A/N: And now Kendall's thoughts about everything. The next chapter has Carlos' thoughts and all of the chapters after that towards the end of the story is how everything comes to a head and causes James to finally and completely break down. Thanks for the review guys, I'll update again soon.