Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I own nothing…
Summary: "And what if I don't want to love him?" The Oracle shook her head at Hermione and her unnerving smile widened. "No, child. It's not about want… It's more a… a matter of need." How do you love someone because you have to? That, I guess, Hermione and Severus will have to find out on their own.
Pairing: HG/SS with some AD/MM moments later on.
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A Matter of Need
Chapter Twenty One
Passion, heat, arousal, romance, sensuous whispers and frantic hands… Body sated, Hermione had fallen asleep in Severus' arms, limbs entangled and swathed in sticky sheets. But, by morning, God it ached…
Hermione groaned and winced as muscles she didn't even know she had protested. The sound of fast flowing water had woken her, and she stirred, shivering as she rolled over on a cool patch of the bed. Sitting up, she saw Severus peer out of the bathroom.
"I guessed you would be sore," he said bluntly.
Hermione rolled her eyes at his starkly contrasting clinical demeanour after such a night, but slid to the end of the bed. She gathered the sheets around her and slowly stood up.
Severus left the room. Why? she thought crossly. To give me privacy? Bit late for that. She stumbled across the room and pushed the door to the bathroom open to be immediately assaulted by the strong scent of lavender oils.
Letting the sheets fall to the floor, she stepped into the bath and sank beneath the bubbles. She sought out a few bottles lined neatly at the foot of the bath, and poured a dollop of what she hoped was shampoo into her hands.
Lather.
Why was he being such a git? However much her Gryffindor roommates complained about men being men – supposedly insensitive and mulish – Hermione doubted it was the usual behaviour of a man after sex.
Rinse.
Of course, he never played the Prince Charming, but surely a few pleasantries weren't that difficult. There was no reason for him to act so cold towards her. Last night had been… not at all like she had envisioned her first time. There had been pain, yes, but his gentle, attentive hands and mouth had brought her her own pleasures. Such an encounter with someone of her own age, she felt, wouldn't have involved anyone nearly as considerate.
Then why, after such thoughtfulness and thoroughness, would he behave so extremely now?
Repeat.
Then again, this was Snape.
Hermione's hands froze and she sighed heavily. This was Snape. He would feel guilty at bedding a student, no matter what the reason was. He was a nothing if not a man of discipline. It was one of his responsibilities to guard the children in his care, and instead he probably felt he had taken advantage of one of them
She had hardly forgiven him, but there was guilt in her anger as she dried off, dressed and drained the bath. The strong smell of lavender followed her into the living room, and Severus glanced up, nose crinkled in distaste.
"The House Elves brought breakfast," he said blandly, and went back to his work. Hermione frowned at the top of his head and took a sip of the coffee, noting how it wasn't quite as good as Severus', then swept past him to the fire.
"Where are you going?"
Hermione blinked at his cold tone and replied loftily, "Out." She grabbed a pinch of Floo powder before stepping into the fire to the Headmaster's office.
Severus scowled at the fire as it regained its normal colour.
- - -
"Professor?"
"Albus."
"Albus?"
"Yes, my dear?" he said, and looked up from the letter he was reading.
"Is there any chance of me being able to go and see my parents soon?"
"Of course, of course. When would you like to go?"
"As soon as possible, please."
Albus raised a thick grey eyebrow and studied her for a moment.
"Please, sit down." Hermione did so and he opened a tin on his desk. "Sherbet Lemon?"
"No, thank you."
He shrugged and popped one of the sweets in his mouth. He leant back in his chair and studied her over the top of his glasses.
"So, how are you putting up with Severus? I trust all is well?"
"Fine." She tried to sound convincing; she didn't think talking about the past twenty-hours with her Headmaster was a wise idea.
"I suppose you both must be busy," he said, though it seemed more of a prompt than anything. He continued, "You know, he is always so secretive. He never likes to share his work. Such a shame, really, that he hides the work he is so passionate about."
Hermione fought back thoughts of his passion, ghosts of the previous night tracing delicate touches over her skin. She licked her lips, her mouth having suddenly gone dry, not entirely comfortable with the old man's questions.
"Well, he is an intensely private man," she replied eventually. "He doesn't respond well to forceful questioning." Her body ached and her mood was worsening rapidly, and she couldn't help but add with a sweet smile, "I guess we're not all that different in that respect."
His face darkened at her slight, although it was barely noticeable, but Minerva popped through the open door from their quarters before he could respond.
"Albus, Amanda would- Oh, good morning, Hermione." The professor smiled at her and entered the room properly. "How are you?"
"I'm fine, thank you."
"That's good dear. Now," she began, and passed Albus the letter in her hand. "Amanda needs to see one of us. I was thinking of going as soon as possible; it seems important," she said as his eyes scanned rapidly down the page.
"Yes, that'd be wise." He paused then added, "Do you think you would be able to take Hermione to her parents on your way? Today is as good a time as any."
"I don't see any reason why not," she replied and took the letter back. "Oh, Hermione, come with me, I have a book that may interest you."
Grateful for an excuse to escape the Headmaster's questions, she followed Minerva out of the office and into the living quarters.
Minerva closed the door and immediately apologised, "I'm sorry you received such a grilling. He's like that sometimes."
"It's okay," Hermione assured her.
"No, no it's not, but that won't stop him. It's been a long week and sometimes old habits die hard." She sighed tiredly and sat down in front of the fire. "Tea?"
"Um, yes please." Hermione joined her professor and watched as she poured the rich liquid into two China cups from the freshly summoned tray.
"You look troubled, child."
"You'd be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't look troubled."
"True," Minerva conceded, "but we're talking about you."
"Where should I start?" Hermione laughed hollowly.
"I shall not make an Albus-esque statement and merely say wherever you wish. Starting at the beginning in these cases is pointless, I find; logical order has no place when ranting." Minerva smiled understandingly. "I mean what I say, and I am a willing listener."
Hermione seemed to study her cup of tea in immense detail, but in reality she saw nothing. Her mind was ablaze, so many thoughts and emotions being called up.
"I hate having such a burden on my shoulders and I hate knowing what roles we all have to play. I hate having my family embroiled in a war they know nothing about." She shook her head wildly in despair. "I hate that I look around in the common room and can't help but wonder how many won't make it through to the end of this. I hate feeling so helpless. I hate the fact that I have to-" Love her mind finished.
Hermione stopped short, knowing better than to finish that sentence, and glanced up. Minerva looked taken aback by her torrent of anger, but frowned thoughtfully.
"From what I can tell, you and Severus are close," she said carefully. "With all this Oracle business, it makes it hard not to believe in fate. Maybe you were chosen for this destiny because you are the only one strong enough to make it through."
"But I don't want a destiny!" Hermione exclaimed. "I want to chose what I do and when I do it and who I do it with!"
"Hermione, nothing is definite. You have to do whatever you were told to do to change the outcome. If you ignored what the Oracle said, then everything would be different. If you succeed or manage to partially fulfil what she said, then things could be different again. You have chosen to try your damned hardest to fulfil the blasted thing. There is the choice."
Hermione bit her lip thoughtfully and nodded. She eventually returned her gaze to the old witch and said, "I can only hope that the choices that I've made were the right ones, and that they were enough."
- - -
"Now," Minerva said. "We will be using a portkey to get to where your parents are staying. Don't worry, we have placed charms on the quill to make the magic as untraceable as possible. When you are there, I will Apparate away, and come back for you when it's time to come home. Ready?"
Hermione nodded so she tapped the quill with her wand and said, "Hold on."
After the familiar tugging at her stomach and the odd feeling of the ground disappearing from under her feet, Hermione landed with Minerva in what appeared to be the back garden of a large house. Large trees provided cover from anyone that might be watching, but Minerva still glanced around.
She pointed over towards the back door, and said, "Go in there. You will get to a conservatory and through there is the kitchen. Just shout, there'll be someone there. Now I have to go. Amanda doesn't live far away, and I'll be back in a few hours. Okay?"
Hermione nodded, smiled, and walked over to the house. In the shelter of the trees, Minerva disappeared.
"Hello?" Hermione called out. The place was large, bright and airy, and totally foreign. She was used to her small cosy house, or the grandeur of Hogwarts, and she peered around, taking it all in. "Hello? It's Hermione. Is there anybody-"
"Hermione!"
She span around and saw her mother, who ran towards her, arms outstretched.
"Dear, how are you? Is everything okay? How did you get here?"
She couldn't answer any of the questions, as she was enveloped in a crushing hug.
"Hi, mum."
"Oh, it's so good to see you. Come and sit down and we'll talk." Hermione sank down into one of the sofas, as Helen went into the kitchen. "What do you want? Cola? Lemonade?"
"Lemonade, thanks."
She re-emerged with two drink, the ice tinkling against the glass, and handed one to Hermione. After taking a sip, Hermione began to peel away the layers of clothes; it was much hotter there. She eyed her mother, taking in her healthy tan and relaxed smile.
"So, how are you?"
"I'm fine. A bit tired. The NEWTs – the final exams – are coming up, and with everything else… I'm fine though. Really."
Helen eyed her sceptically.
"Where's dad?" she asked, diverting the subject.
Helen chuckled, "Out with Bob and Amber. It's so odd, living with a witch and wizard – I mean one that can legally do magic all the time, of course – and your father has gone with them to the local wizards market."
"And you're safe here? Alone?"
"Don't worry. They wouldn't leave me alone if they weren't sure I was safe."
"But I just walked straight in."
"From what I've gathered, they have some magical barrier in place, or something like that, that lets only certain people in. We've had some amusing moments with door-to-door salespeople," she added with a laugh.
Hermione frowned, but sipped her drink without further comment. She knew there would be numerous safety precautions in place, but her mother being left home alone still didn't sit well with her.
"Did you get my present?" her mum asked, hoping to remove the scowl off her daughter's face.
It worked and Hermione smiled, which only grew further when she noticed the wicked sparkle in her mother's eyes.
"Hmm, and what was that about a wonderful night?" she demanded.
"Well, I thought you deserved a nice night out and a pretty dress can't just be thrown in a cupboard without being shown off. Did he take you anywhere nice?"
"We had a nice meal and a few drinks. It was a nice night," Hermione replied carefully. She didn't want to lie to her mum, but she also didn't want to have to explain why they had stayed in the castle.
"How is Severus?" Helen asked.
Hermione opened her mouth to voice an automatic reply, but instead sighed, "It's weird. He's acting so odd."
"Well, something must have made his attitude change. What's different?"
Hermione avoided her mother's eyes, and Helen raised an eyebrow. Then, an idea hit her and she wanted the earth to swallow her whole. They had had a nice meal and a few drinks. Not only had he bedded a student, but one whose kisses had tasted of wine and whose words had been emboldened by alcohol.
She suddenly wanted to return to him and set the record straight, but she made her attention return to the present. Her mum was still talking.
"Hermione, since I last saw you, you have grown up an incredible amount, and for you that really is something. You look like a woman, not a child. If- If things with Severus have progressed to the next level…"
"And you're not angry?"
"Angry, no. I just hope for your sake that you made the right choice, and that the decision wasn't taken lightly."
There wasn't much choice Hermione thought, but smiled at her mother.
"From what I know, Severus wouldn't have such a relationship if he didn't mean it. He has so much to put on the line, yet here you are, together. Your father and mine's situation all those years ago wasn't all that different, and we both think that you should find love where you can. Besides," she grinned, "his English is better than Viktor's, he's smarter than Ron, and doesn't have all of Harry's teenage angst."
Hermione blinked then laughed, a welcome release of much built up tension.
"Thanks, mum. That still doesn't make me feel much better about him being so… Snape-like, though."
"He's a man," Helen said bluntly.
"Well, yeah…"
"Seriously, though, he's an intelligent, old fashioned, academic, focused man, and he doesn't want to do something wrong by the school's standards, or his moral standards. Don't worry about it, dear, he'll come out of it soon." Noting her daughter's glum expression, she asked brightly, "Tell me how Harry and Ron and the professors are. "
Thankful for the change in subject, Hermione began to chat away happily, and for the next couple of hours, she felt almost normal again.
- - -
Minerva waited in the corner, agitation clear in her features, but she was patient as Hermione said goodbye to her parents. The two Americans glanced her way, eyebrows raised, and she shook her head sadly.
Hermione, oblivious, hugged her father and mother again.
"Good luck in your exams, and in… everything," John said. He kissed his daughter's head and moved aside to allow his wife to wrap her arms around her.
"Hermione…" Tears shone in her eyes at having to let her daughter go back to where the war was fiercer and the danger stronger, but blinked them away. She whispered in her ear, "Work things out with Severus. Anger never did anyone any good. Support each other, get through everything but don't exhaust yourself, and… I love you."
"I love you too, mum."
With a final hug and kiss from each of her parents, she made her way over to Minerva, who nodded solemnly at everyone, and led the way into the garden. She procured the quill, charmed it, and held it out.
It wasn't long before they were in Dumbledore's office.
"You know where the Floo powder is, see yourself out," Minerva said distractedly. "I need to go and speak with Albus."
"Is everything alright?"
How could she lie to someone so deep in the war herself?
Minerva sighed heavily, "No. No, it isn't."
Hermione closed her eyes briefly but didn't question further, and turned to seek out the Floo powder.
"Oh, I never did give you that book. It doesn't matter, you probably have everything you need."
"Thank you anyway, and thanks for taking me. You're probably right, too, I have a lot of books," she added lightly, and smiled at Minerva before she threw the powder into the fire.
When she stepped through, the sight of Severus sat in front of the fire reading greeted her. He peered over the top of the book at her.
"I didn't realise that going "out" would take you so long."
"I went to see my parents," was Hermione's short reply. She shook her head at him, realising just how unpleasant she was despite her plan to work things out, and stormed over to the bedroom before she said anything further.
"Of course you may have my bedroom in my chambers whilst I spend the night on the couch," he drawled sarcastically.
Hermione span around.
"You may think you own these chambers, but they belong to the school. You may think you own me, but rest assured that I belong to me alone. I am not some kind of pet that you can love and pet one moment and forget the next," Hermione cried. "Why? Tell me why you are suddenly so cold and horrible towards me? Is it because you had sex with a student? A student," she repeated when she saw him wince. "When you're around me does it still feel like you're dirty old Professor Snape and I'm an innocent student?"
"Shut up, you stupid girl," he said through gritted teeth. The book was in his lap, and even sat down he emanated intimidating power.
"I am not stupid," Hermione replied slowly, "and I am not a little girl. Fine, hate the reality we have made together. We have made choices, and this is where they have got us, and we can't go back now."
Severus must have seen some sense in her words as he didn't rebuke them, yet his dark eyes glittered darkly in the firelight.
She sucked in a deep, calming breath and closed her eyes briefly. Then she added softly, "Do you think that my actions last night were the result of alcohol, rather than what I actually wanted? It's been a long time, Severus, since I saw you as my teacher, back here in private at least. I meant what I said last night, and I don't regret anything that happened.
"Now, please, let's start again. Let's try to be nice to each other. Like it was." Her voice trembled, with not a small amount of fear. She turned away to open the bedroom door and added, "Are you coming to bed or not? It's late."
As she glanced back over her shoulder, his eyes locked with hers, searching, and Hermione felt rooted to the spot, the intensity of his gaze pinning her down. He then looked down at his book and closed it slowly. He seemed to be thinking, carefully pondering her words and looking for any dishonesty.
Hermione sighed, not knowing what else to say to him. She didn't hear any reaction as she entered the bedroom, and began changing out of her clothes with jagged movements of anger. She tried to quell her frustration, but after such a long day it seemed futile.
"You're going to rip your clothes if you continue on in that manner."
The voice made her jump, and Severus fully entered the room. She held her shirt over her front to reserve her modesty, even though she knew it was a little late for that, and Severus hung up his robes and left, presumably into the bathroom.
Hermione, alone, got changed into her pyjamas, and folded her clothes neatly away.
"You can use the bathroom now."
Hermione didn't even look at him as she slipped by to go and wash and brush her teeth. When she returned, he was already under the cover, reading. She pulled out one of the research books from her workbag and crawled into the bed.
Her mind couldn't concentrate, and soon the effort of trying to read made her weary, and she laid the book on the bedside table. She glanced at Severus, and whilst he didn't say anything pleasant, he didn't say anything nasty either.
As she slid further under the sheets, thinking over the books she wanted to collect from the library, Minerva's voice came back to her.
Oh, I never did give you that book. It doesn't matter, you probably have everything you need.
Everything she needed right here. She had a lot of books, but books were only so good. Right here…
Her eyes shot open and, suddenly awake, an idea began to form in her mind. Her heart thumped in her chest and her brain buzzed with the prospect of new information that could finally help her out.
She closed her eyes, pushing the thought to the back of her mind. Tomorrow was going to be a long day, and she was going to need her sleep.
- - -
Sorry for the delay, my internet really does suck… Thanks to everyone that's read and reviewed :0)