Chapter 21:

A/N: I'm sorry guys for the lateness, I really am. I've been having a really bad two weeks. :(

Thank you: Wolfa Moon, Supernatural Lover D.S.W, Midnight Blue Angel 24, SaurniExMental, Casismyfavorite, casdean185, and bearberry915 for the reviews.

Sometimes I wonder. I wonder if this is my destiny, my destiny to fall in love with the straight Dean Winchester. I wonder if I was meant to become so depressed that I needed to be put into a psychiatric hospital, to meet Lucifer and have him fall in love with me but hide it for years because he knows how head over heels in love I am with Dean. Was it my destiny to meet Chuck that made him and Lucifer friends, which in turn caused Chuck to fall in love with Lucifer? Was I meant to get shot from John Winchester and almost die to have Dean finally give me some phony promise and never come to keeping that wonderful, hopeful promise?

Was it my destiny to get better for so long only to relapse because of some stupid affair that I couldn't get over? Was it my destiny to have Dean cheat on me with some broad named Scarlet and for me to find out by walking in on them having sex? I wonder if destiny caused me to push and push until Dean had had enough, until Lucifer finally confessed about his feelings and for me and him to hurt Chuck in such a bad way that's its unforgivable. Was I meant to meet Elijah, the greatest guy I've ever met, only to have him have these feelings that I can't return?

Was it meant to be to have me, hearing this voice in my head, all alone and ready to just give up? Why won't faith just let me give up, just let me go? Why can't I ever just disappear? Now I'm stuck in this mess that I caused and I have no way out.

"Hey." Elijah greets when he comes up to the table. I just smile at him, not really up to this today. All I want to do is lie in my bed and die. "How are you?" I shrug. "Are you going to talk to me at all?"

"Sorry Elijah, I'm just not feeling it today. I'm tired and…" I trail off.

"It's fine, anything new at least?" He asks.

I look down at the table. "Uh… Dean visited me yesterday."

Elijah perks up. "He did." If I didn't know any better I would think there was a hint of jealousy in his words.

I nod. "Yeah, he came and said he was sorry and he then gave me our picture back. He wants to see me again."

Elijah looks at the table. "Oh…" He's quiet for awhile. "That's good, I'm glad." He doesn't sound glad at all.

"Why do you sound so sad?" I inquire. "You're the one who brought him here in the first place."

He looks up from the table and plasters on an obvious fake smile. "I'm not sad."

"Elijah," I start. "I'm an expert at fake smiles, I know when you're not serious."

His eyes dart back to the table top and he shrugs. "I know I brought him but…" He trails off and I prompt him to keep going with a look. "You know… I still love you." He looks at me shyly, red tint appearing on his cheeks and across his nose.

"Oh Elijah… I'm so sorry I…" I'm not sure what to say.

Elijah cuts in instead, eyes darting to the table once again. "Don't worry about it; I wasn't expecting to get back with you or anything. I always knew this day would come."

"Yeah but you must have had some hope." I put in. He shrugs again. "Elijah-"

"Let's," He interrupts. "not talk about it okay, Castiel?" He kind of sounds like he is going to cry. "It doesn't really matter."

"Yes it does." I reach out to take his hand that's on the table but he swiftly pulls it away. "Your feelings matter Elijah."

"Not enough to get you to fall in love with me." He looks up and there are definite tears there. "You know, I just remembered that I have to go do something." I open my mouth to protest but he gets up before I can. "Bye Castiel."

"Elijah." I call after him and he turns around to face me. "Please don't cry, I'm sorry."

He huffs. "Don't be sorry for not loving me Castiel, you can't control your feelings." He sounds absolutely depressed when he turns back around and walks away. He stops when he reaches the door, however. He turns to look at me with sadness and love in his eyes. "All I want is for you to be happy." He then exits.

I sigh and begin my journey back to my room. I hate hurting Elijah like this and it makes me even more sad thinking about how hurt he is right now. I enter my room to see a nurse there. "Oh Castiel, I was just coming to see if you want to go out to the courtyard. You haven't been out there yet.

"Sure, why not." I answer.

She smiles at me. "Okay, follow me." I follow her down the hall until we reach the door leading to the courtyard. She opens it for me and I step out into the open air, enjoying the coolness of it. It's actually really pretty, a fountain in the middle of the yard with pink and purple flowers encompassing it. There are bees and butterflies, the birds are singing their songs, and then there are other patients with white robes on their body. Well this is nice, isn't Castiel? "So, what do you think?"

I turn to face the nurse and smile. "It's nice." I walk to one of the benches that are facing the fountain and many flowers. I sit there watching the bees as they buzz around, trying to find flowers that aren't pollinated yet. I kind of envy them. They don't have a care in the world other than work, work, work. I wish I could have that kind of innocents. I listen to the constant buzzing for what seems like hours until the nurse says it's time to go back inside.

I follow her once again and half way back to my room I ask her a question that's been bothering me for a while now. "Where's the church?"

She looks at me confused. "The church?"

"Yeah," I begin. "The other wing, when I was there, they had a church room, where's yours?"

"We don't have one in this wing honey, sorry." She doesn't look sympathetic at all. "Did you want to go?"

"Yeah, that's why I'm asking." She looks at me in some kind of shock.

"Uh… I suppose I could see if we can bring you to the other wing to go to church but I can't guarantee anything." She offers.

"It's good enough for me. I just want to talk to a priest, not full blown church. They know me there so… I won't be welcomed." I clarify.

"I'll see what I can do honey." She looks at me reassuringly. "Promise."

We're at my room now so I enter and fall onto my bed. What are you going to be talking about with a priest? Huh, Castiel? I close my eyes and let sleep take over me.

When I wake there's a nurse standing over me, telling me I have a visitor. I hope it's Elijah but when I enter the visitor's room I see Dean. "Hey Cas." He smiles at me and I smile weakly back.

"Hey Dean." I greet.

"How's it been?" He asks as I sit down.

I shrug. "I think I hurt Elijah."

He looks concerned. "How?"

I open my mouth but nothing comes out. I look to Dean with sadness laced in my eyes. He looks at me concerned and confused so I open my mouth again to try and answer. "I told him we are working things out."

"And he's hurt by that?" He asks.

I look at the table. "He's still loves me Dean."

There's a silence that falls on us. A few seconds pass before Dean speaks. "What do you feel about him?"

I think I detect worry in his voice. I look to him. "Not love." I look to the table again.

"So that's why he's hurt, because you don't love him the way he loves you?" I nod. "Do you love anybody?" I look up at him with pain stricken eyes. I open my mouth but once again nothing comes out. I look to the table top again.

"Have you heard anything from Lucifer?" I ask instead.

Dean takes a deep breath. "No but um… Sam keeps in touch with him once in a while… I think he got attached to his cooking… It's better than mine after all."

"Does he know I'm in here?" I ask, again looking into those green eyes.

He shakes his head. "No, I uh… made sure Sam didn't tell him. I didn't know if… if you wanted him to know."

I nod. "So you don't know how he is or anything like that?"

"Sam doesn't talk about him around me that often… he knows how I feel about him so…" He trails off.

"What about Chuck?" I ask.

"I haven't heard from him, neither has Sam or Lucifer." Dean confirms.

"How do you know Lucifer hasn't?" I continue.

He shrugs. "I asked Sam to ask Lucifer. I liked Chuck so I was worried, no one knows where he is though."

I'm discouraged. "Oh…" I look at Dean intently. "Dean, could I ask you to do me a favor?"

"Sure." He says.

I tell him, "Could you contact Lucifer… just make sure he's okay… with your own ears? I mean you can ask Sam but-"

Dean cuts me off. "You want me to make sure."

I nod my confirmation. "I just… I miss him." I take a breath. "You don't have to tell him that I'm in here or-"

Dean cuts me off again. "You know, I bet no matter how angry he is with you, if he knew you were in here… he would come and visit."

I shake my head. "I don't want to be a burden to him. What I did…" I trail off. "Just don't tell him, please Dean."

He nods. "Okay I won't."

I hear the door to the visitor's room open and I look over in curiosity. Elijah stands there looking at the both of us. He plasters a fake smile on and comes over. "I can come back another time if you want."

Dean looks at me then Elijah. "No please join us."

Elijah hesitates but eventually sits down. "I uh… wanted to uh… say I'm sorry… for how I acted… I shouldn't have told you that I still…" He doesn't finish and isn't looking at me.

I grab his hand. "Elijah." I get his attention and he looks up at me. "Don't be sorry for loving me, you can't control your feelings." I quote him.

"Is it going to be awkward between us now?" He asks.

"Only if you let it." I conclude.

"Hey Elijah," Elijah looks to Dean. "Thanks for taking care of Cas." Elijah begins to say something but Dean doesn't allow him to. "And um… thanks for loving him." Elijah blushes a bright red color. "I hope we can be friends." Dean smiles and holds out his hand. "After all, we both care about the same person more than anything."

Shock is written all over Elijah's face. He grabs Dean's hand firmly. "Friends." He smiles back.

I smile and feel a trickle of happiness enter my chest. Seeing the two, the both of them once rivals, come together like this puts joy into my heart and it feels nice, it feels really good. Awe, how sweet, they're bonding. I ignore the voice in my head and just enjoy the presence of the two of them, listening to them laughing and talking, asking me questions and engaging in conversation with me that I thought would never happen with the two at the same time. It makes me so happy and almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. The only thing that could make this more perfect is if Lucifer was here and Chuck, everything put behind us.

But I know it's not that simple and the thought hurts me to a great extent. It makes me wish I was dead so I wouldn't have to face it. Better yet, never born, that way none of this would have had to happen. Dean would have never known me, Lucifer and Chuck would have never met me, and Elijah would have met some other guy to fall in love with that could actually requite those feelings.

Sometimes I wonder if all the things that have happened up to now are destiny. I wonder if being born is destiny. I wonder if my destiny is something that intertwines itself with other's destiny, causing their destiny to be messed up because mine is. I sometimes wonder if destiny is something you can't change and is just something you have to deal with. Sometimes I wonder if this life I lead is my destiny. Sometimes I wonder.

A/N: There you have it. Not very good, I know, but I wanted to get something out to you guys. Expect Lucifer in the next chapter. :) Thanks for reading.