Thank you for the amazing response to the last chapter, things are going to get a little bit angsty for a while, but hold tight there is light on the other end of the tunnel!
Chapter Twenty-One: The Temper of James T Kirk:
James held the blanket around his shoulders as the last remnants of the frost began to melt as his body acclimatised to the warmth of the Enterprise's Medical Bay; he watched with a lamentable expression as his lover was sealed within the single spare cryotube recovered from the Frigate Rebellion. Once again the seventy-two tubes took up residence in the Medical Bay, laying scattered in disorganised lines on and between the beds; then there was the Captain's tube set on a table in the middle of the room where Bones had spent hours doing his best to treat Khan. He had failed, and as a result came up with the idea to place him in his cryotube again, to try and nullify the effect of the ice and hypothermia.
In truth Jim had only been half listening, somewhere between grief and fury he blocked out the voices of his friends as they tried to prise him from that dark place he had fallen to. He wasn't interested. The only thing in the world that mattered to him was being sealed away for a third time, this time to try and save his life; this time as an equal and not as an enemy. Maybe... Maybe that was better but at the same time it still meant that they were not going to be together. And if Bones was wrong... If Bones was wrong about this then...
He couldn't bare to consider the alternative to the Doctor being correct in his theory. The alternative hurt to much. For so long he had used sex as a means to keep himself at a distance from the people around him, but Khan had broken down his barriers and he had still embraced him as a whole despite his flaws and his issues. But now Khan had left him, just like everyone else did; just like he had sworn not to. Khan had lied to him.
Closing his eyes as the final decompression hiss made itself known, he looked away from the tube and felt his hands shake under the confines of the blanket he was clutching like it was his only form of gravity. He felt as though, if he let go he would fly spiralling out of control and he couldn't afford to do that. He had to maintain control of his ship, and his crew despite the pain and the fear in his heart. He had to enact the lessons of the Kobayashi Maru. He had lost his lover, he could not afford to lose his command as well, it would be the final straw. One of many.
Sliding from the bed, Jim walked towards the cryotube and let out a shaky breath as he looked at Khan's peaceful face, hidden beneath the glass and the gentle frosting of the ice. He took a long moment to stare at his face, memorising it and storing it all to the back of his mind. He would not return to gaze upon his face until Bones told him he was reviving him, he vowed it.
And then, the blond turned away; walking out of the Medical Bay without so much as a backward glance despite the calls from Bones and Spock. He wasn't listening anymore. He meandered the corridors, his hand ghosting the puckered skin of his newest injury beneath his jumper; a frown fixed itself on his face as he made his way to his room, looking up as the door opened to permit him entrance. Stepping over the threshold he froze on the spot as he found himself staring at the floor where he and Khan had made love before their journey to the Rebellion.
His stomach churned and his heart throbbed, dropping the blanket on the floor he turned and sprinted away, ignoring the searing pain of his wound as his legs carried him far from the scene of intimacy. The problem was, that no matter where he ran he found memories of his experiences with Khan, good and bad they plagued him like locusts as he fled them continuously. Seeking a place of solace which was not haunted by memories and recollection.
He found himself in Engineering, the one place he had never set foot with his dark haired lover; he was able to slow then, as no memories cursed him with visions of ghostly re-enactments. With soft footfalls he padded down the metal staircases towards the Warp Core, his face shadowed by the recollection of his own heroic sacrifice as he grew closer. He sloped through the outer exterior until he came to a stop outside the decontamination chamber where he had slipped into death while Spock watched in horror.
"You used what he wanted against him... Nice move." he let out a choked chuckle in amusement as he licked his cracked lips, rasping through each breath as his body ached with each muscles movement.
"I... It is what you would have done." Spock replied, his voice breaking slightly as he leaned forwards, looking both lost and remorseful.
Jim nodded slightly, "And this..." he swallowed, "This is what... You would have done."
Skimming the wall with his back, James slid down until he was sat on the floor, resting his head against the glass door he had once been on the other side of. He could feel a dangerous depression falling around him like a cloak but he couldn't escape it, he didn't want to. He knew, in his heart, that if he had remained dead Khan wouldn't have... He wouldn't have nearly killed himself. He was choosing to ignore the fact that if he had remained dead Khan would never have been woken back up and would still be locked away in his cryotube for his terrorism crimes. He had a selective memory.
Reaching down, the blond slowly pulled his wrist watch from his pocket and rubbed it between his thumb and forefinger, Khan was leaving him... Why... Why did everyone leave? Was he such a bad person that he deserved to suffer so many losses? Was he cursed to suffer the same fate of injustice every single time he found an inch of happiness? His eyes turned downwards as he looked at the watch in his hand and he swallowed thickly as a lump formed in his throat; he bit down hard on his bottom lip to top it trembling and he brushed his thumb over the neat inscription on the back: John Harrison.
John had been his first love, his first everything and losing him had triggered his abysmal sexual behaviour as he had vowed never again to love anyone who might hurt him or leave him. And he had so stupidly broken that vow. For Khan! For the man who should have been his enemy! If he had just hated Khan like everyone else had after his crimes then none of this would have happened! It was all his fault and now there was nothing he could do about it! There was nothing he could do... There was nothing...
Feeling his eyes spill over again, he slowly raised his knees into his chest and hugged them as he pressed his face into the slightly chilled material of his trousers and cried into them, his hand clenching tightly around the watch as his anger and his sadness poured out of him in the safety of a darkened corner where no one could see him, or judge him.
-/-
It felt like hours since the Captain had left the Medical Bay, Spock had been unable to find him and was growing increasingly concerned; having found the discarded towel in the doorway of the Captain's room only to find it devoid of life. No one had seen or heard from Jim, he hadn't been answering his communicator. Spock was seriously worried, as was Doctor McCoy. They had moved from the Medical Bay to the Bridge at the end of their search, Spock had taken the Chair and the command of the ship until they located the Captain.
They had both seen Jim's reaction when they had found Khan in the hanger, frozen. It was something that the two of them would do anything to make sure they never saw again. McCoy thought the recordings of Spock loosing his temper at the moment of Jim's death had been pretty scary until he had seen Jim go crazy.
Having been Jim's roommate throughout their years at the Academy he had seen Jim happy; he had seen him sad; he had seen him annoyed; he had seen him violent. But he had never seen him fuelled with rage. Even when they had hunted Khan down, even when Spock and Uhura had told him how Jim had beaten Khan so hard his own knuckles had shattered and required emergency attention, even then... Even then he had never seen him so fuelled with rage. It was truly a sight to behold and to fear.
He watched as Jim staggered forwards as he and Spock finally managed to defrost Khan enough to lay him out straight on the ground; the frozen tears on his friend's face took him by surprise and he leaned back on his heels as the blond dropped to his knees, his bottom lip trembling. McCoy licked his lips and sucked in a breath as he prepared to comfort a slightly upset Jim, the words of sympathy and reassurance on the tip of his tongue. Those words died as fast as they had been thought however, when Jim suddenly relinquished a blood curdling scream and slammed his fist down on Khan's chest.
"YOU PROMISED ME! YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE YOU BASTARD! YOU LIAR! YOU GOD DAMNED LIAR! YOU SWORE YOU WOULDN'T DO THIS! YOU SWORE IT! DAMN YOU!" he screamed, hitting him repeatedly as though he expect him to stare back at him like he had done on Kronos, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! HOW COULD YOU?!"
"J-Jim..." McCoy breathed, reaching out to try and grab his wrists to stop him, only to receive a punch in the face for his troubles; he lifted his gaze and looked at Spock who instantly snapped to attention and wrapped his arms around the blond from behind, moving his hand into place as he used his ability to Mind-Meld and connected with the Captain's mind in an attempt to sooth and calm him.
It took several long minutes of thrashing before Jim finally stilled, at which point his knuckles had torn slightly and were bruising; Spock's expression had dimmed slightly as he felt the same pain Jim did; as he saw the same side of Khan that Jim had seen. He could finally understand their connection, and he could understand his grief.
The Doctor swallowed a lump in his throat as he finally drew himself from his reconciliation with a shudder, the memory of Jim's rage far to raw and fresh for him t be at all comfortable with. He had never seen or witnessed any anger like it before in his life, except for the fight between Jim and Spock during Nero's attack on Earth, Spock's anger had been something to contend with for sure. But even then... It paled in comparison.
"Do you think, Doctor, I should relieve him of his command?" Spock asked in a quiet and un-Vulcan like tone of voice, contemplative and uncertain.
"I think if you did that right now he would go and kill himself, if he hasn't done it already." Bones answered honestly, "I know Jim... He's a passionate person and... I think losing his command right now would tip him over the edge."
"I... I had come to that conclusion also," the Vulcan sighed softly and rubbed his forehead in an unusual display of stress, "I am concerned for him."
"I know you are. Me too. We just have to do our best and be there." he said, hesitating before he patted the other on the back awkwardly, "It is the only thing we can do now."
"I hope for all our sakes you are right about being able to save Khan..."
He interrupted the First Officer, "Don't go there. I know."
The pair looked around as the elevator doors opened to reveal the very man they were so worried about; washed, cleaned and wearing his full uniform, Jim strode forwards with his usual practiced confidence in his stride as he ascended the few small steps and sat down in the Chair, ignoring the stares from his fellow crew members.
"Mister Sulu, set a course for Earth. Our terrorist will be heading back there as well and I want to be there to catch him when he lands." Jim commanded with a stronger tone than expected, crossing one leg over the other as he relaxed into his seat, "Lieutenant Uhura I want you to get in contact with Starfleet Command, tell them what has occurred and tell them to prepare for our return, but also to keep an eye out for any suspicious action."
Both Sulu and Uhura made the mistake of glancing at Spock to see if they should indeed follow the Captain's orders; to which a response from the blond was only possible. Jim stood up and straightened his uniform, "If anyone of you has cause to think I should revoke my command of this ship then I order you to state it now. Because I can tell you categorically that I am in full control of my emotions and I am not compromised by the mission at hand. And until someone does remove me from command I believe you are supposed to follow my orders. So as soon as you are willing, Mister Sulu, Lieutenant Uhura, fulfil my orders." he growled his final statement with a determination that quelled anyone's desire to dare step out of place and as soon as the new course was charted and Uhura began to speak to the operatives at HQ he sat down, once again calm and refrained.
Spock and McCoy shared a glance and both let out a breath before they approached the Chair, "Captain, where have you been?" the Vulcan asked.
"Having some time to myself and my thoughts, Mister Spock. How is the ship?" he asked without looking at his friend.
"Repair has already begun on the lower levels to sustain us while we hit Warp, however some of the more drastic damage will have to be sorted out once we dock above Earth." he answered carefully.
"Good, unless there is anything else you can return to your station," he continued gazing out of the window, "Bones, how many injuries; how many fatalities?"
Bones hesitated for a moment and sighed, "Forty-six injured; one critical and twenty-two dead."
"Understood, make a checklist of the dead and be ready to report them to Starfleet upon your return to Head Quarters so that their families can be informed." he said without so much as a flinch.
"I... Jim," he leaned down slowly, "I think I should check over that wound of yours, now that we are back on the Enterprise I can do more for you. Pain relief, sterile antiseptic swabs... We don't want you to get an infection."
Jim's gaze flicked to his before he sniffed and straightened in his seat, "No need Bones. I am fine."
"Jim-"
"I said I'm fine Bones! Return to your damned post!" he barked, making the man jump very slightly.
"I... Alright... Fine..." he sighed and looked at Spock before he left the Bridge to return to the Medical Bay, as per his orders.
-/-
Jim was the last person to leave the Enterprise after they had docked, his bag slung over his shoulder as he made his way towards the shuttle which would take him to Earth. His first stop was going to be San Francisco Hospital, where his mother had been moved to during his absence to assist with her recovery, he really needed to see her; his second stop would be the Head Quarters to file his report and then, then he would head to the new apartment which had been built during their time away and where he had a brand new apartment to lock himself away. He wasn't giving up, he had a mission. In his bag he had packed several of the Enterprise's best computers and trackers; he had every intention of locating George before Starfleet did. And when he found him, he was going to show him the meaning of vengeance. Forget targeting the backbone of an institution for the sake of getting back at them, he was going to quite literally teach him the meaning of pain, James Tiberius Kirk style.
Sitting down on the shuttle, he buckled himself into the seat and glanced around as Spock joined him; aside from a brief jerk of the head he all but ignored the Vulcan for the entirety of the journey back to Earth, and when the shuttle landed he was the first to depart, heading away from his friends and his family before anyone could say or do anything. He climbed aboard the Starfleet supplied motorbike, discarding the unwanted helmet on the ground before he fired up the engine and stormed away from the shuttle bay, speeding down the road and leaving a pale trail of dust on the route behind him. He didn't need or want to stick around to see the cryotubes being removed from one of the other shuttles, he had made that vow already. He wasn't going to break this one. Not without a darn good reason. And he highly doubted he was going to find one of those any time soon, not with the path he was treading. It would be rocky, it would be dangerous and he would be doing it alone. That was how it needed to be. No one else could get hurt because they were connected to him.