It was the afternoon of Sirius's first day back at work after his skiing trip, when he looked up from the circulation desk and saw Remus hovering uncertainly nearby. Sirius's stomach clenched with nervousness - and the tiniest bit of hope.

"Hey," he said, attempting a friendly smile.

"Hey," said Remus, without expression.

"Studying today?" Sirius asked, hoping to start a conversation.

"Nah, just getting a couple of books." Remus held them up in demonstration.

"Oh." Sirius swallowed his disappointment and reached out a hand. "I can get those for you."

Remus approached the circulation desk and passed the books across, his library card on top. Sirius tried to calm his nerves and not rush the transaction, scanning first the card, and then each of the books deliberately, sure that when he was finished, Remus would vanish again.

But Remus lingered.

"How was the rest of your skiing trip?"

"It was good." Sirius brightened. After talking to Remus on the phone Christmas Day, he had found himself much more in the holiday spirit, and in the mood for skiing. "How're things with your new roommates?"

Remus shrugged. "OK. They're not very clean, but it's better than nothing."

"That sucks. I'm glad you found a place, though."

"Yeah, me too."

"Hey. Um. Are you in a hurry to get anywhere?" Sirius asked in a sudden flash of inspiration.

"Not especially," Remus said warily. "Why?"

"Wait here a sec."

Sirius ducked into the back room, where Frank Longbottom, one of the other assistant librarians, was working.

"Hey, Frank," said Sirius, keeping his voice low so Remus would not overhear. "Would you mind taking over the desk for a bit? I can cover the discards. Remus is here ..."

Frank raised his eyebrows and grinned. "Back, is he? Well, if it means you'll stop being such a Gloomy Gus, sure, I'll trade with you for a bit."

"Thanks," said Sirius. "I owe you."

Remus was still waiting at the desk.

"I have to process some discards," said Sirius. "There's a pretty big backlog of them. If you don't mind, and you're not in a hurry, it would be nice to have some company while I work."

"Yeah, OK."

"Great!" Sirius tried not to let his relief or his nerves show too much on his face.

Remus followed Sirius through to the back room. They passed Frank, who shot Sirius a conspiratorial wink that he hoped Remus did not see.

"You're sure it's OK for me to be back here?" Remus asked, looking around the cluttered room, full of desks, papers, filing cabinets, and stacks of books and other library materials marked with sticky-notes.

"It's fine as long as you don't distract me too much from my work," said Sirius, sitting down at a desk stacked with piles and boxes of books. "Normally, I'd listen to music or an audiobook."

He pulled the first stack of books toward himself, and began methodically to go over each one, scribbling over the barcode with a black permanent marker, cutting out the page with the card pocket in the older books that still had them, and stamping each title page with the DISCARD stamp, before packing it away in a box.

Sirius experienced a moment of panic at the lull in conversation, not feeling ready yet to raise the topics he had planned to share with Remus if he ever got the chance. He grasped for the first neutral topic to cross his mind.

"So. Um. How're your classes going?"

"Good," Remus said absently, picking up one of the books Sirius had already processed. "I'm off for winter break until January. It seems like a shame, getting rid of all these perfectly good books."

"We only have so much room on the shelves," said Sirius, relieved, "and there are new books coming in all the time. It's all right, though. We put these out on the sale shelf for a dollar or two, and we have our big Library Book Sale in the summer. The books go to good homes, and the library gets a little money back. Everybody wins."

Remus nodded in approval. "Sounds like a good system." He turned over the book in his hands. "This was one of my favorites in middle school."

The copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was tattered and much-read. The spine had been repaired with tape at least once.

"What were you?" Sirius teased. "Some kind of nerd?"

"It's not that nerdy," Remus objected. "Everyone's read them. Anyway, you're a librarian. You think you have any room to judge other people's nerdiness?"

"Fair enough," said Sirius, grinning. "James used to like those a lot. I've never read them, though."

"They're good," said Remus. "Really funny."

Sirius hesitated. "You could read some of it to me. If you wanted to."

Remus blinked. "You want me to read to you?"

"Sure," said Sirius. "I told you I like audiobooks, didn't I? I've never had anyone read to me in person before."

"That's too bad," said Remus. "It's nice, being read to."

He opened the book to the first page, and cleared his throat.

"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun ..."

Before long, they were both giggling. Remus read on through the worst day of Arthur Dent's life, from the unexpected demolition of his house, the discovery that his best friend was an alien from a distant planet, the unexpected demolition of Earth, and on to the introduction of the sadistic Vogons and their terrible poetry, which Remus read out with great relish.

As much as Sirius was enjoying the story, and being read to, his favorite part was when Remus laughed so hard he had to stop reading for a minute. He watched with pleasure as Remus bent forward, gasping for breath. After the past few fraught weeks, it was good to know that they could still relax and laugh together, and it was especially good to know that Remus did not find his own life so grim that he was incapable of enjoying a silly story, or the simple pleasure of reading to a friend.

As the laughter faded from Remus's lips, he straightened up, catching Sirius's eye on him. Sirius looked away quickly, embarrassed to be caught staring.

"Am I distracting you too much?" Remus asked.

"No," Sirius mumbled, refocusing his attention on the discarded book in front of him. "It's fine. You can keep reading, if you want to."

"Is that why you invited me back here?" Remus asked, eyebrows raised. "To read to you?"

Sirius's heart sped up. "No. I've been hoping for a chance to talk to you about - things."

"What sort of things?" Remus asked, closing the book.

Sirius's hands clenched into fists. He could not make himself meet Remus's eyes as he said, "I wrote to my father."

Remus stilled.

"I told him I knew everything," Sirius said hurriedly, "and I sent him a check for the money he gave you."

"You shouldn't have done that." There was an edge to Remus's voice.

"It's not about you," said Sirius. "Not entirely. I didn't want you feeling obligated to him, but that's only part of it. I'm pretty sure he won't cash the check, so you shouldn't worry about owing me, either. A thousand dollars is pocket change to him."

"What's the rest of it?" Remus asked, still tense.

Sirius looked up, pleading. "I've never had any power in my relationship with my parents. Never. And if they're going to keep popping up unexpectedly in my life, like they did at the gala, I don't want them thinking they can keep treating me like that. Not if there's something I can do about it."

Remus gave him a humorless half-smile. "You're blackmailing your father? I guess I wasn't the one he should've been worried about."

Sirius shrugged uncomfortably. "Sort of. It's not like I'm trying to get money out of him or anything like that. I told him that unless he wants the whole family to know about him, he can never try to contact me or approach me again, and he has to discourage my mother from doing so, too. If we ever meet by accident, he has to call me his son and use my real name, then leave me alone as quickly as possible."

"I guess that's fair," said Remus grudgingly. "If I'd had any leverage over my family, I probably would've used it, too."

"Even if it came to that, I'd never bring your name into it, I swear." Sirius leaned forward earnestly.

"Thanks," mumbled Remus. "So ... does that mean you're over it?"

Sirius bit his lip. "Yeah. It wasn't your fault. And I get why you didn't want to tell me. It's still weird if I let myself think about it too much, so I mostly just try not to."

"Yeah. I guess I'd be kind of freaked out, too, if I found out you slept with my dad."

Sirius gave a nervous giggle. "I can promise you with absolute certainty that I haven't."

"Well, that's a relief." Remus could not entirely hide a smile.

Sirius stamped the book in front of him, and slipped it into the box with the others, reaching for the next one. There was still more he wanted to say, and it might be easier if he kept his eyes and hands busy while he said it.

"You've told me your stuff," he said slowly. "It's only fair that I tell you mine."

"You don't have to if you don't want to," said Remus. "I got the highlights: you're trans, your parents were shitty about it, you got emancipated and moved in with James's family."

"It was a little more complicated than that. If we're going to be friends, there's a bit more you probably ought to know."

"OK," said Remus. "You can tell me whatever you want."

Sirius took a deep breath and made himself focus on the calming process of discarding books, as the words flowed out of him.

"I wasn't one of those kids who knew they were trans from the start," he began. "I was always uncomfortable with my looks and my body, but I never really understood why. For the longest time, I thought it had to do with being mixed race. Never really fitting in with one or the other, you know?"

Remus nodded.

"Then, when I was twelve, my body started changing, and I freaked out. I didn't want to get boobs and hips, and I really didn't want to have a period. So I stopped eating. I'd read somewhere that if you starved yourself, you could stop your menstrual cycle, and I figured boobs and hips were just fat, and if I didn't eat, I wouldn't get fat. I starved myself for almost three years."

Sirius closed his eyes briefly, clenching his jaw. "I hated my body so much, I tried to make myself disappear. And I almost succeeded. My mother was so proud. She bragged to her friends about how disciplined I was with my diet. I was dying, and James was the only one who even noticed."

"It wasn't your fault," said Remus gently. "Anorexia is a sickness. You just needed help."

"I didn't know that, though," said Sirius. "I didn't know how to ask for help, or where to get it, or even that I needed it. James tried, but he didn't really know what to do either, apart from trying to make me eat more, which I did sometimes, to please him. He probably kept me alive."

"I'm glad someone did."

Sirius nodded. "I was in love with him. When we were fourteen, fifteen."

"Oh."

Sirius looked up. "Don't tell me you haven't wondered about us. Everyone does."

Remus shrugged. "It was none of my business."

"He never thought of me as more than a friend. We were best friends, though, inseparable pretty much from the time we started middle school. And when we got older ... we were both curious about sex. Neither of us had someone else to experiment with, and we both thought it would be smart to try it with a friend, instead of finding someone to hook up with. And I would have done anything for him ..." Sirius trailed off, swallowing heavily.

"There's nothing wrong with friends having sex," said Remus. "But if one of them has feelings the other doesn't ... I'm guessing you ended up getting hurt?"

Sirius gave a huff of humorless laughter. "You could say that. I had a fucking panic attack in the middle of it."

Even the memory of that panic was enough to tie Sirius's belly in knots. He closed his eyes again, breathing deeply and forcing his body to relax.

"I was screaming at James to get off me, which he did, as fast as he could. He freaked out, thinking he'd done something wrong. It didn't help that I was bleeding pretty badly. James kept saying he was sorry." Sirius shook his head. "I think I traumatized both of us."

"That sucks," said Remus. "I'm sorry."

"Oh, don't worry; it gets worse," Sirius assured him. "James and I could barely look at each other for two months after that. Then I found out I was pregnant."

"Fuck," said Remus softly.

"Yeah. I didn't even think it was a possibility. James didn't ... finish, and I hadn't had my period in months. I wasn't much more than skin and bone at that point. I was so angry. I felt like my body had betrayed me again. I wanted to scream, but I was afraid if I started, I'd never be able to stop. There was this thing growing inside of me, and I imagined that it was a scream, getting bigger and bigger, until I couldn't hold it in anymore."

"I know what that feels like," said Remus. "It's awful. What did you do?"

Sirius shook his head. "Nothing, at first. I just wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. But then one day, my mother said something. I don't even remember what it was. I think maybe it was about James. And I just snapped. I started screaming and screaming. They thought I'd gone insane. They locked me in my room and called a doctor. He gave me some pills to make me calm down, but I wouldn't tell him anything. I texted James and begged him to come get me. He came over, and I told him everything."

He broke off, shaking his head again. "I've never seen anyone that sorry in my life, before or since. I was crying. He asked me if I wanted to get married. I told him no, and that I didn't want to be a girl anymore. I said I'd rather die. And he - he told me I could be whatever I wanted to be, and he would help me however he could." Sirius swallowed a sudden tightness in his throat. "I don't think he knew what he was promising then. But we made a plan, and he got me out and took me to his house. The next day, he helped me make an appointment, and he went with me when I had the - the termination."

He closed his eyes again and exhaled, feeling the echo of that relief.

"I'm glad you had a friend," Remus said softly. "That can make all the difference in the world sometimes."

"Yeah." Sirius opened his eyes. "James has been the best friend I could ask for. To this day, I don't know what he told his parents, but they never acted like there was any question about me staying with them. They've been nothing but supportive about my transition, ever since I first came out to them. And they were amazing at my emancipation hearing. You know my parents tried to argue that I wasn't in my right mind? That I should be put away quietly somewhere, under the care of a doctor?"

"Shit," breathed Remus.

"Maybe I wasn't in my right mind," Sirius continued, "but living with them wasn't helping. I've been better, since I've been with James's family. So you were right about me getting a soft landing. I know I was lucky."

"You know I don't begrudge you that," said Remus. "It sounds like you went through a lot. I wouldn't wish that on anyone."

"Thanks," said Sirius, embarrassed. "So now you know about me."

"Are you OK now?"

He shrugged. "Mostly. I still have panic attacks sometimes, but you knew that. I've got meds I can take for them, and other meds I can take if I'm feeling anxious. I have a lot of anxiety around anything to do with my family, but it's manageable if I don't have to deal with them directly."

"That makes sense. It seems like you and James are OK now, too."

Sirius nodded. "By the time I finished having my breakdown and started getting the help I needed, I was mostly over him. It was just too much of a mess."

"Do you guys ever talk about it?"

"Not really," Sirius admitted. "James is still a little awkward about the fact that we ever -" he broke off, shaking his head. "He's straight, and we're brothers now, so it's complicated for him. Or maybe he just still feels guilty about it. Either way, it's not much fun to talk about, and we both know what happened. We were there."

"It sounds like maybe you wanted someone to talk to about it," said Remus shrewdly. "You didn't have to tell me all that stuff."

Sirius shrugged again. "Maybe. I just didn't want you to feel self-conscious, like you were the only one who -"

Frank Longbottom stuck his head through the door, and Sirius broke off again.

"Are you two still back here?" he said, amused. "We're closing up."

Sirius's mouth dropped open and he looked up at the clock on the wall. It was fifteen minutes past the library's closing time.

"I guess we lost track of the time. Sorry." He glanced apologetically at Remus. "It'll be dark out. I can drive you home, if you like."

"Thanks," said Remus.

He moved to put The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy into the box with the other discarded books, but Sirius stopped him.

"I'll take that. I might want to finish reading it later."

Remus gave him a half-smile, handing over the book. "If you're sure it's not too nerdy for you."

Their fingers brushed as Sirius took it, and heat flooded his cheeks. He turned away quickly to hide his blush, tucking the worn paperback into the inside pocket of his jacket. He knew that if he did finished reading the book, he would not be able to help hearing the rest of the story in Remus's voice, and that was at least part of why he wanted to keep it.

Just friends, he reminded himself grumpily. If you try to make it more than that, he'll run again.