Kraken Fight Remix
Will wakes up on the Black Pearl with Elizabeth sitting next to him.
Will: Ow... Do you have any aspirin?
Elizabeth: Sorry. It still hasn't been invented.
Will: Where's the chest?
Elizabeth: Somewhere between here and wherever Norrington is... He took it.
Ragetti and Pintel are nearby, arguing over the sails.
Pintel: You're pulling too hard!
Ragetti: You're not pulling hard enough!
Pintel: No, you're pulling too hard!
Ragetti: No I'm not!
Pintel: Yes you are!
Ragetti: Am not!
Pintel: Are too!
Ragetti: Am not!
Will: Shut up!
Gibbs: Jack, what have you done with the Ex-Commodore?
Jack: He fell behind.
Gibbs: Sucks to be him. Anyway, the important thing is that you're back, and we're clear.
The Flying Dutchman surfaces next to the Black Pearl.
Gibbs: Holy crap...
Jack: You were saying...?
Elizabeth: Good job. You jinxed us.
Gibbs hides. Jack goes to the railing, carrying his jar of dirt, and shouts over at Davy Jones.
Jack: Hey, fishface! Look what I've got! A jar of dirt!
Davy Jones: Uh... good for you?
Jack trips and falls down the stairs. The entire crew cringes.
Gibbs: That's gonna leave a mark...
Davy Jones: Sucker.
Jack holds up the jar of dirt.
Jack: Still got it! So, fishface, have you come to negotiate, you slimy git? Well, I have a jar of dirt! How do you like that?
Jack sings.
Jack: I've got a jar of dirt, I've got a jar of dirt, and guess what's inside it!
Davy Jones: Shut up or sing on key.
The Flying Dutchman's cannons are slid out. Jack stops singing.
Jack: Oops.
The Black Pearl turns and retreats, the Flying Dutchman chases and shoots cannon balls. The Pearl is slowly pulling ahead.
Elizabeth: We're winning!
Gibbs: Yep.
Will: You mean we're faster?
Gibbs: Going this direction we are.
On board the Flying Dutchman...
Undead Fish-Man Bob: We're out of range.
Davy Jones: So we'll stop chasing them.
Hammer: We've given up?
Davy Jones: Yes, we're giving up. Exactly.
Hammer: We are?
Davy Jones: No we're not giving up! That was sarcasm, idiot.
Davy Jones takes out his kraken whistle.
Hammer: Oh... Now I get it!
On board the Black Pearl...
Marty: Hey look! They stopped! We win!! Yay!!
The crew celebrates. Ragetti and Pintel do a dance. Jack notices.
Jack: Never, ever do that again. Ever.
Will: Jack, my father is on that ship.
Jack: That's... not my problem.
Will: If we can outrun her, we can take her!
Jack: Says who?
Will: We have to turn and fight!
Jack: We have to? No we don't. It's much more fun to negotiate. And a lot less likely to cause undesirable events such as death. All you need is the proper leverage.
Will: Hey... Stop ripping off my lines!
Jack sets the jar of dirt on the ship's railing.
Jack: I am not ripping off your lines, squirt. I'm adapting them for my own purposes.
The ship shakes and the jar of dirt crashes to the ground.
Jack: Whoops...
Jack looks through the dirt, which is scattered everywhere and making a mess, but he can't find the heart.
Jack: No! It's gone! Why is it gone? Where did it go?
Elizabeth: Well, it didn't grow legs and walk away. Where did you see it last?
Random Pirate Levon: We must have hit a reef!
Will: A reef? Are you trying to sound stupid, or does it just come naturally to you?? Elizabeth, get away from the rail.
Random Pirate Levon is not happy that his theory was just shot out of the air by an alleged whelp-eunich.
Random Pirate Levon: Well, if it's not a reef, what is it, Smarty-Pants?
Will: The kraken.
Random Pirate Levon faints.
Will: To arms! It'll attack the starboard, I've seen it before. Get the cannons ready and hold for my signal.
Gibbs: What's the signal? How about an owl call?
Gibbs immitates an owl.
Will: Never do that again. Just get the cannons ready.
The pirates get the cannons ready. The kraken's tentacles are starting to climb up the side of the ship.
Will: Not yet...
Elizabeth: Uh, Will?
Will: Hold on...
Elizabeth: Hey, Will, funny story... But there are these giant tentacles...
Will: Almost...
Pintel: GIANT SUCTION CUP!!!
Will: Fire!
Ragetti: It's about time.
The pirates fire the cannons at the kraken's tentacles, and the kraken retreats. The crew starts to celebrate again.
Will: It's not dead, just injured. It'll be back. Again. We have to get off the ship.
Elizabeth: Too bad there's no boats...
Will: Dang.
Elizabeth: Plan B?
Pintel: I have an idea!
Ragetti: Please tell me it's not something dumb like, impersonate Davy Jones or do a squid impression.
Pintel: Fine. You have a better idea?
Ragetti: I do, actually.
Pintel: And I hope it doesn't have anything to do with using jelly doughnuts as bait or building a giant lobster trap.
Ragetti: Okay, okay, fine.
Will: Here's what we'll do. We'll put all the kegs of powder in that net, drop it on the kraken, and blow it up.
Gibbs: Brilliant!
Will: Thank you.
Gibbs: I was talking about the jelly doughnuts... but explosions are cool too.
Will gives Elizabeth a rifle and he and the other pirates load the kegs of gunpowder into the net.
Gibbs: Uh oh... There's only six kegs of powder...
Will: Then load the rum.
The entire crew does another one of those cartoon-style gasps, where everything freezes, and they stare at Will in horror.
Will: It's either that, or you're all kraken chow.
Gibbs: Aye. The rum.
Gibbs looks as if he's going to cry as he helps load the rum into the net. Elizabeth notices Jack rowing away from the ship.
Elizabeth: Jerkface scaredy-cat. If the kraken doesn't get him, I will.
The kraken attacks again.
Marty: Big uh-oh...
Jack is in his rowboat, pausing halfway between the Black Pearl and some random island. He takes out his compass to see where to go.
Jack: Dang it. Why did Elizabeth have to be right again? Women. They're impossible.
The net is hoisted in the air, and Will gets caught in it. Elizabeth aims the rifle at the bundle of explosives, but doesn't shoot because she doesn't want to hurt her dear Will, who is still caught.
Will: Shoot! Elizabeth, shoot!
A tentacle grabs Elizabeth's leg and pulls her away. Ragetti chops the tentacle off, and Elizabeth goes back to the rifle. Just as she grabs it, a boot steps on it so she can't get it. Elizabeth looks up and sees that it's Jack, trying to look cool.
Elizabeth: Cut it out already, just shoot the stupid rifle!
Jack: Fine.
Jack picks up the rifle and shoots at the net, just as Will gets free and falls to the deck. The kegs of powder and rum explode, and the kraken retreats again.
Marty: Is it dead yet?
Gibbs: No. It'll be back again. Captain, what do we do?
Jack: Abandon ship.
Gibbs: WHAT?!!??
Jack: She's only a ship...
Gibbs: Who are you and what have you done with Jack?
Elizabeth: He's right. We have to get to land.
Pintel: That's a lot of open water...
Ragetti: A lot of water...
Pintel: I just said that, you fool!
Pintel whacks Ragetti.
Ragetti: Ow.
Will: We have to try it. Into the longboat.
They all get into the longboat, except for Jack and Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Well, Jack, I guess I was right.
Jack: Were not. Right about what?
Elizabeth: You are a good man. I told you so.
Jack: Did you have to say that?
Elizabeth: Yep. I'm a woman, remember?
Jack: You're impossible.
Elizabeth kisses Jack. The first of many Kisses of Death. Will notices the peculiar activity their lips are engaged in. AWKWARD. Anyway, Elizabeth finds some random, yet conveniently located, handcuffs and attaches Jack to the ship.
Jack: What the heck?
Elizabeth: Oops.
Elizabeth goes to the rowboat with everyone else. Will keeps giving her weird looks and she can't figure out why.
Will: Where's Jack?
Elizabeth: He... uh... fell on his behind...
Gibbs: That's too bad. Let's go!
They row away, and the kraken comes back. Jack manages to get out of the handcuffs just in time to face the kraken.
Jack: Oh... hi.
Kraken: ROAR.
The kraken spits out Jack's hat.
Jack: Hey, sweet, you found my hat! Thanks a lot!
Jack puts his hat on, takes out his sword, and assumes a really cool-looking final pose.
Jack: Hello, beastie.
Kraken: I have a name, you know. Davy Jones calls me Clarence.
Jack: Oh, so sorry. Hello, Clarence.
The kraken eats Jack, and takes the Black Pearl down as well.
On board the Flying Dutchman, Davy Jones is watching through his telescope.
Davy Jones: Ha ha, sucker.
Hammer: Not even Jack Sparrow can beat the devil.
Davy Jones: What did you call me?
Hammer: Uhh... nothing.
Davy Jones: Open the chest.
The chest is opened, and it is empty.
Davy Jones: Dang...
Sorry if it's not as funny, but this scene was hard to do!