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Chapter 21
"Look to your left" The doctor ordered.
"Left." The patient responded and curled her lips into a small smile.
"Good. Look right." Dr Parish watched Kate's hazel eyes playfully roll to her right. "Up. Mmm. Down." She lifted an optical light to Kate's eyes. "Look right at me." Lanie quietly requested. She shined the light to her left eye then right then turned it off. "You're a lot easier to treat today than the night we brought you home."
"It was painful."
"You remember?"
"Of course! You were trying to stick the light in my eyes but it hurt me too much."
"I'm sorry." Lanie took a gentle hold of Kate's head. "Keep your eyes on me." She requested and slowly rotated Kate's head observing both her eyes and the manner in which they stayed on Lanie's eyes. She paused a moment glancing between Kate's eyes. She smiled. "Do you know you have more brown in your right eye than in your left?"
"Mmm." Kate acknowledged and narrowed her eyes playfully at Lanie's.
"It's cute. Josh always said you had brown eyes."
"You have brown eyes. Anyway, Josh took more notice of Josh and his career." Kate replied without a second's thought. "That's one of the reasons we broke up."
"He still does, girl. He hasn't had a long term girlfriend since you two broke up."
Kate grunted then smiled devilishly. "I told you I was a good girlfriend."
"Kate Beckett." Lanie scorned playfully, then examined the wounds on her face and stroked her fingers over the part of her eye socket she knew was fractured. "How's it there?" She seriously asked.
"It's tender to touch." Kate murmured maintaining eye contact with Lanie's large brown eyes. She felt the doctor feel over her jaw. "There too." She quietly said.
Lanie smiled. "You are so lucky girl." She let her go. "I seriously don't know how you survived and how fast you are recovering."
"I was fit to begin with," Kate replied, "and Castle feeds me like I'm an Olympic athlete since we stayed the summer in the Hamptons. He likes to cook." She sat quietly as Lanie picked up a syringe full of antibiotics. Kate shifted and twist her hips and pushed down her yoga pants so the doctor had access to her left buttock.
"Good thing you were fit, do take care of yourself and that he does care for you so much."
Kate smiled warmly. "He loves me. He also has an underlying agenda Lanie. He wants us to be healthy, so we have plenty of energy." She mimicked facetiously with heavy emphasis on the subtext and glanced between Lanie and the syringe.
"Did Castle tell you that?" Lanie asked suspiciously holding the syringe clear momentarily. "Really?"
Kate released a loud noise of amusement that Lanie was so surprised. "Yes he did!" She continued to mimic Castle's voice, "Best food I can give you Baby so you still have lots of energy at the end of the day … hohoho! I told you what we were like at the Hamptons." She reiterated to Lanie who was laughing at Kate's interpretation of Castle.
"Yes, I recall that. It's a wonder you didn't get knocked up in the Hamptons."
"That's what we thought, that we were playing Russian roulette, but then we came back here and found there was something wrong with me." Kate sobered then seriously looked to her friend wanting to talk seriously
"What's up girl?" Lanie quietly inquired noticing the worry on Kate's brow. "Talk girl. I don't want you getting an ulcer."
"Lanie, he's really into me… was really into me." She looked down her body to the blemishes even on her hips where Lanie was about to inject her.
"Rick still is totally into you, Kate. He's crazy about you." Lanie took a deep breath. She decided now was as good as any time to discuss the insecurities Kate seemed to have about her injured body. Castle had approached her last night to talk about it and Lanie had subsequently agreed to have a chat with Kate, girl to girl. "He told me last night that you saw yourself in the mirror yesterday."
Kate nodded in agreement. "It's pretty bad."
"And you think he is turned off by it and repulsed by the abuse you experienced." Lanie said straight up as she laid the syringe on the top of her medical back for a moment where it was safe.
Kate looked directly up at Lanie who stood before her and nodded again, turning her eyes down to her bruised hands and scabbed knuckles and fingers. "Other men have …" Kate waved it off, knotting her forehead. There was a pool of confusing but powerful emotions fighting to push their way to the surface of her consciousness but she held them down, held her breath against them. She swallowed the pain in her throat.
"Talk to me Kate." Lanie urged, taking hold of Kate's right hand that reached to her. Kate's hand felt so cold in Lanie's.
Kate tissed, "… I may not remember but I can feel and see what happened to me and Rick knows. He's seen it all. Been totally exposed to it."
"He understands, Kate, that you need time, a lot of time to recover."
"But …"
"Look at me Kate," Lanie insisted in a tone that made Kate turn her eyes to her. There were many issues going on in Kate but she needed to address the problem she had with Rick because they were relying on her trust of Rick to keep her from withdrawing into herself. "Richard knows you think he has a high libido and he is well aware of the little insecurities you have, and don't deny them." Lanie paused, thinking about how she could say what Rick had said the night before, without going straight to the point as he had. "He knows it's in the back of your mind that he will stray from you. He said he only has a strong desire to make love with you, that he only wants you," she paused to think a second about how best to talk to Kate. "He also said that you understand that it's more than just the act of making love that he's referring to. It's what you two have between you that makes it so great, you know that stuff I'm always teasing you about." She waved her hand around, and saw Kate nod in understanding. "He doesn't know how to make you believe that it's only you that matters to him."
Kate wiped her eyes. "Don't make me cry Lanie." She felt Lanie's hand on her head.
"He's afraid he will lose you Kate. He fears you will think he won't want you anymore as his partner."
"Funny. That's what I'm feeling no matter what we say. It's silly I'm like this, because when I see him everything makes sense."
"You have a lot of shit to deal with Kate. Just trust him."
Kate nodded and fisted her hands in an attempt to restrain herself from toppling over the edge, to suppress the anxiety, frustration and total turmoil inside her. She was so frightened by things she couldn't remember… things that were lurking in the shadows of her memory, constantly haunting her. "I feel like I'm standing on the edge Lanie."
"Edge of what?"
"Of remembering what happened, of not wanting to remember, of wanting to be alone, letting no one near me, but at the same time, I can't bear to be alone, I want to have people touch me, to reinforce its okay," she paused, "it's very confusing!"
"Let it all go for now, and stop trying to control your emotions. Focus on you and Rick. Lean on us, Kate, for anything. You need to rely on other people and that's okay. We are all here for you."
"I know. I feel bad because you have all stopped your lives to keep me safe."
"Of course we have." Lanie reassured. "Esposito will hold you for as long as you need it." She smiled when she saw Kate blush. "I know you like his hugs Girl."
"I do." She uncontrollably smiled at the thought of being hugged by him. "Javy has the best hugs."
"Uh huh!" Lanie agreed with a coy smile. "Well, he's waiting for you, just like we all are."
"Lanie." Kate squeezed her hand. "I'll beokay."
Kate looked to the needle and syringe of antibiotics that Lanie had picked up as she processed what Lanie had said. "How many more days am I on the injections?" She asked changing the topic. She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater, internally harassing herself about crying.
"A few. You will experience side effects, such as being a little angst and upset,"
"Ya think?"
"Mmm," Lanie agreed, "it's because they're strong doses to kill just about everything. That's why Rick is always feeding you the yoghurt." The doctor swiped Kate's skin with a sterile swab.
"Mmmm. I'm potentially a walking disease factory." She muttered. "Another put off."
"Don't say that Kate." Lanie replied, ignoring the face Kate's mood was changing from moment to moment, "Take a deep breath."
Kate obeyed and felt the needle prick her in the butt. "Twice a day." She winced when Lanie pushed down on the syringe and pulled it out.
"Yep." The doctor replied. "Done. Good girl."
Kate pulled her yoga pants up and pushed her top down. "Castle also has to deal with the fact I could have contracted diseases from them."
"The results are so far, so good." Lanie replied and disposed of the needle into her portable yellow container. "You already know that. Negative for everything, at the moment."
Kate sat still, concentrating on trying to control her emotions, which was exactly what Lanie had just finished telling her not to do. Everything was confusing and the smallest of issues were eating at her, but she was almost going crazy with the internal dialogue that battered her about these problems. Lanie sat on the weight bench across from Kate and stared directly at her to drawing her attention. Kate blinked and looked about the fully set up gym uncomfortable with Lanie's demand for her to focus because she knew Lanie would coerce her into spilling her thoughts. Mirrors, state of the art equipment, floor area. She took several deep breaths, feeling the anxiety bubbling away again. Kate decided she couldn't continue to avoid Lanie. Their eyes finally connected.
'Finally', Lanie thought to herself and leaned toward Kate reaching for a hand. "What is the real problem here Kate? You're dancing circles around the real problem." She saw Kate take a deep shaky breath.
"I'm going to have to let him have sex with me Lanie." She whispered rapidly before she decided not to confess, her tone and expression full of stress, "I'm not afraid of him at all but I'm already anxious just thinking about sex even though I don't remember much of what they did."
"Whoa, Kate!" Lanie sat up and held up a hand signalling Kate to stop. "Please girl! Please stop thinking about sex right now. He doesn't …"
"… want to have sex with me." Kate finished starting to weep.
"No! No! No!" She waved her hand in Kate's face. "You are not in an appropriate mental or physical place to have consensual sex Kate. You won't be ready for some time and he knows that. He is willing to wait and do anything he can to help you through this. You both need to recover and get through it."
Kate breathed awkwardly in response to Lanie's words, struggling not to get upset, but the emotions she felt were extremely powerful and confusing. "God! Stop crying Kate!" She growled under her breath in frustration at herself and quickly wiped her eyes. "How long will Castle wait, Lanie? What if he meets another girl and things happened?"
"He could have dated a stack of girls while he waited for you, but he didn't. He waited for you, Kate! Why are you so afraid of him leaving you? Or do you want to push him away because you're afraid of yourself? Do you still want to be with him or are you afraid to be with him?" The doctor asked suddenly, in an attempt to piece together what Kate was specifically thinking.
"Lanie." She pleaded under her breath.
"Talk to me, Kate. What are you afraid of?"
"Everything. That he does want me and I won't be able to give him what he wants. That he won't want me and we will split up. I'm sorry, I'm just tired, so tired." She hunched over and covered her face with her hands. Lanie's hand caressed over her back in big smooth strokes. Suddenly, Kate sat up straight and wiped her eyes. She looked to Lanie and said, "I don't want him stuck with a broken me but I can't bear the thought of life without him. He's everything to me."
"Kate." Lanie drew Kate to her for a hug. She was surprised that Kate wasn't crying more. She was upset but mainly talked candidly and honestly with her. She heard Kate inhale deeply several times settling down. "We are great together, useless apart, and I have to remember that so I'm not afraid." She concluded.
"Let yourself heal, Kate." Lanie replied. "Why did you come into the gym?" She asked.
"To exercise." She smirked embarrassed by her determination to return to normality, "I know, I should be in bed still asleep and recovering."
"Yes very true, but okay, you must feel capable of exercise to be here." Lanie thought about that a moment and decided it would be beneficial for Kate to participate in a light activity. She was after all an extremely active and fit person. "I want you to get on that bike and do a very mild workout. Nothing too strenuous."
Kate sat up, and sniffed, smiling to Lanie. "Thanks Lanie. I needed to spill that."
"You're welcome. I just don't want you bottling that shit up inside you. It will only cause you to get an ulcer."
"Funny Lanie. It hurts." Kate stood and took a few steps, physically moving in a large circle to shake the tension from her body. She caught a glimpse of the FBI agent outside the doorway, not having noticed him earlier. She stepped to the exercise bike she carefully mounted very aware of the injuries. She started pedalling slowly so the machine's screen lit up. She touched the screen until she had the bike on a low resistance then focused on pedalling consistently to elevate her heart rate steadily. Lanie packed up her medical equipment into her bag and joined Kate stepping onto the other exercise bike.
"Castle sure has it set up in here." Lanie commented noticing Kate had regained her composure quickly. "Better than the gym I go to."
"I know right? He didn't tell me he had a gym. One morning, I happened to take a peek to see what was behind the door and discovered all this."
"Does he use it?"
"He does since we came back from the Hamptons. Now it's colder we workout in here more than at the park."
"Speaking of … where is Castle? He has barely let you out of his sight."
"He was still asleep when I woke up so I let him be. He's extremely tired from taking care of me and the broken sleep we have been having."
"So he doesn't know you're here?"
"No. I sent him a text. He will check his phone when he wakes up and finds I'm not there." She was starting to pant a little, noticing her fitness level was significantly below normal. "How come you were up?"
"I woke early and got up. When I heard you I came up." Lanie replied and looked about the large room. Luckily for Kate there were no external windows or doors so she was safe in the room. There was a flat screen TV on the wall but neither of them had thought about turning it on. The FBI agent outside the door kept a relaxed observation on the women, fully aware they were safe in the gym. Kate discreetly maintained a visual on him.
"Don't you work out too hard, Kate." Lanie reminded Kate when she heard her respiration was laboured.
"I won't, Lanie. I will do enough to raise my heart rate and to get the blood pressure up." Kate thought about the agent as she pedalled. She sensed that if he were to walk in the room she would have a total meltdown. So long as he remained where he was, Kate felt alright but she knew she would have to face up to fears and overcome them. She wasn't about to succumb to fear. She switched her thoughts to monitor her condition. She assessed the pain in her pelvis the rotating movement created, but continued to pedal. She understood enough about bone remodelling and maintaining her bone density to ensure she was back on her feet fast. Sorenson was right. She needed to be capable of moving as soon as possible. The most positive physical change which had occurred was the concussion had virtually resolved itself during the night even with the interruptions in their sleep. She had surprisingly woken early feeling reasonably all right, and was definitely stronger mentally and physically.
"So why were you up so early, Lanie?" Kate inquired sitting upright on the bike, arms of the rests. She wiped her eyes once again with the sleeve of her top wishing she had a tissue.
"I couldn't sleep. Javy wasn't there because he and Kevin worked most of the night and they crashed at the Precinct. The last text I received said they had made huge developments with your case during the night."
"Really? I hope so. It would be good to get it behind us so the boys and you can return to your lives."
"We'll find out soon enough and anyway, it's fun playing doctor to the living." Lanie replied grinning to Kate who also smiled.
Rick's cell phone playing the Spider Man theme woke him from a deep sleep. He blinked several times whilst humming to be beat of the tone, and reached for the iPhone to silence it before it woke Kate. Using his hand's knowledge of his phone, he blindly slid his thumb over the screen and put it to his ear. He mumbled sleepily, "Hello?"
"Castle? It's Ryan."
"Hello, Ryan. Why didn't you knock on the door?" He stretched out his arm and felt over Kate's side of the bed for her body he couldn't locate. He opened his eyes searching for her but she wasn't in the bed or within his vision. He lifted his head in search of her.
"Still at the Precinct. Can you and Beckett meet Detective Cahill at the alley where we found her? We have the address they kept Kate at but we need her to confirm it so we can use the search warrant."
"What time?" He dropped his head back on the pillow and rubbed his face in partial weariness, but mostly in worry.
"Say in an hour or so, nine thirty?"
"Alright." Rick sighed rubbing his forehead with worry. "Ryan?"
"Yep?"
"Will you guys be there?"
"I think we should be there for Kate and you. She won't go in there alone. I know her well enough to know she will need us there."
"She will. Alright. I will tell her and Sorenson. We will see you soon." Castle hung up the call and sat up in the bed, searching about the dark room and to the bathroom. She wasn't there. He checked his phone for a text message on the screen. There was one from Kate that stated she was in the gym and okay.
Minutes later, he padded out to the hall way in his shorts and shirt and stopped, looking at the FBI agent who stood outside Alexis's bedroom. They silently acknowledged each other with a wave and smile and the agent pointed toward the doorway to the gym. Rick nodded.
"She sent me a text." He muttered and continued down the hall to the gym. He paused at the open door and peered inside to see that Kate and Lanie were using the exercise bikes. He smiled when the women looked up as he continued into the room, quite surprised to see Kate had found the energy to be on the exercise bike, particularly after their night of interrupted sleep with nightmares haunting both of them. But on the up side of all that, in the earliest hours they had laid together for a good half hour, face to face, their noses touching. Her fingers had lightly rested upon his jaw and he'd had his hand over the side of her head softly caressing her. They'd intermittently kissed but mostly just stayed still, silent, existing together. It had been a half hour in which he had been strongly reminded of how much he loved her and why he was willing to live through anything to be with her.
He greeted Lanie first, kissing her on the cheek. "Morning, Lanie."
"Good morning, Castle." She gave him a look he didn't quite understand but assumed it had something to do with Kate.
He stepped over to Kate and softly greeted. "Hey, Kate." His chest buzzed when he saw the smile she kept for him and he couldn't restrain the smile that broke over his face as he took the final few steps to her.
"Hey." She slowed the pedalling to a halt and stood off the seat balancing on the pedals. He leaned to her for a kiss on the lips and wrapped his arms around her waist as she reached about his neck.
"Katie." He whispered and assisted her from the bike to hold her tight against his body sensing she needed to be there. He turned so he could see Lanie who indicated he and Lanie had to talk privately soon. He nodded once in response, closed his eyes and held Kate firmly to satisfy what she obviously wanted from him but also what he needed from her. He inhaled the scent of her, of her hair and savoured how his body internally reacted with a soft ache in his chest, a yearn for more of her. She didn't want to let go and that pleased him enormously.
"You okay?" He eventually asked.
"I am now." She murmured pressing herself into him.
"Ahhh … my girls, redhead or brunette, you're both the same …love my hugs." He kissed the side of her head and stood her back to inspect her state of health. She was still tired and pale, and didn't appear too happy, but on the whole the bruises had faded significantly overnight, and the side effects of concussion had diminished significantly. He gave her another kiss, satisfied with her overall progress and playfully patted her ass before he let her go. "I heard from Ryan a few minutes ago." He stated to both the girls.
"Are they still at the Precinct?" Lanie asked.
"Yes they are." He turned to Kate and said, "Ryan has asked you and me to meet him and Esposito where we found you."
"When?" Kate asked and knotted her forehead, feeling the anxiety turn her stomach. She had a sudden urge to use the bathroom but kept up the appearance she was okay.
"Nine thirty. We will need to get ready soon. I will tell Sorenson so he can organise the FBI protective detail. We can't have any media around but more importantly we need to get you there and back safely."
"Ok. I'll take a shower."
"Will you wait a minute for me?" Castle asked sensing a need to have some bonding time with Kate prior to their departure from the loft. He caught Kate's glance of warning to Lanie before she looked at him and nodded. He senses immediately picked up that the women had been engaged in a heart to heart and Kate wanted Lanie to keep it to herself.
"I'll go choose some clothes to wear." Kate replied and headed toward the door.
Rick watched her take careful steps. "Plain clothes and flat shoes." He suggested and smiled to her as she glanced over her shoulder at him. She then continued on her way. "Be careful," he called.
"Yes, Castle. I will see you in the bathroom." Kate hollered back. She paused in the hallway when she spotted the FBI agent. He smiled to her but kept still. Kate hugged the wall, trying not to make it obvious she did, as she passed him then hurried to her bedroom.
In the gym, Lanie looked to Castle. The two of them waited and listened until they knew Kate was out of hearing range.
"You spoke to her already?" He asked in a murmur.
Lanie nodded and whispered. "It came up. She's afraid of having to have sex with you. Clarify here. The act of sex is her concern, not you. She feels she should not be with you but says she can't imagine her life without you. It's upsetting her, that she may not enjoy that part of your relationship any more. There are other things in addition to the sex issue, but that's the major problem."
"Geez, Lanie." He quietly replied, surprised the subject had come up so soon. Once he gave himself a moment to think it over, he figured it was quite within Kate's typical behavioural range to be insecure about their relationship. She frequently looked for excuses, listened to what others said about their experiences, poked at weaknesses or flaws in their relationship that may end them. Every time, he found he was reassuring her that they were not other people, that they had strong bonds and great chemistry that kept them together. It was part of her nature to over think things. He rubbed his right palm over his jaw in thought, thinking the sex was only a small part of their partnership. "It's only been a few days. She needs stop over thinking stuff and to give herself a break."
"I told her that."
"It's just sex that is worrying her?"
"It's a catch 22 Rick. She is afraid of having sex with you, but also fears you're not attracted to her any more, and may seek out other women. It's complicated."
"Complicated?" He scoffed, "Shit!" He scratched is head. "I will still go with the plan we discussed last night. Let her lead the way. But I will remind her of what we have, like we were at three this morning." He muttered to himself. "I will need to show her I still want her." He rose an eyebrow to Lanie. Kate really needed to stop over thinking things. "Ok. I'll deal with it." He said with a frown.
Almost ten minutes later, Rick followed Kate to the bedroom after he had spoken with Sorenson downstairs to arrange the trip to the site. He closed the bedroom door for the first time since they had brought Kate home. He found her waiting for him in the bathroom, sitting on the wooden chair with her legs folded up against her body, huddled inside her oversized pink bathrobe, only her toes sticking out a little. She smiled in response to his presence, acting like everything was all right, but he recognised she was in the middle of an internal battle. He gently shut the bathroom door closing the rest of the world out of their life for the next half hour. He leaned against it, his palms against the door, behind his back. He swallowed, imprinting the image of her in his memory. She was still a shadow of her former self but she was alive, moving, breathing and so adorable bunched up on the chair. It triggered a warm surge of emotions within him that he strongly had the urge to physically express, but he held back to avoid the risk of spooking her with too much too soon especially after the conversation with Lanie.
"So," he began, visually assessing her state of mind, "how are you this morning?" He inquired with genuine concern.
Kate's heart quickened when she saw him moisten his gorgeous lips. His eyes shone brightly. She lifted her shoulders and her body huddled cutely as she smiled shyly and replied, "I'm okay. Not so weak."
"Mmm." He swallowed again, still dwelling on how adorable she looked, incredibly girly compared to the tough, relentless cop he was accustomed to being in the company of. "Can I stay here with you?"
Kate bit her lip in an attempt to restrain a smile that his charm and the manner in which he looked at her caused, "Of course. I waited for you, my super hero," she teased and directed her eyes to his shirt that he glanced to. She felt her cheeks blush.
"Oh! Alright!" He grinned and pushed himself off the door, instantly feeling at ease. He lifted off the Lantern Man shirt he'd slept the night in and hung it over the back of the chair Kate was sitting on then pushed down his shorts he stepped out of with his left and with an expert kicked, tossed them to the clothes hamper. "Scored!" He exclaimed boyishly under his breath, also catching Kate's roll of the eyes and her bemusement of why a grown man would be so easily entertained.
Kate let her feet to the floor and stood, looking at Rick who stopped in front of her leaving a small gap between them. His light brown hair was all messed up from sleep, strands of it falling boyishly over his forehead, matching his light mood. She smiled in adoration and reached up to it gently brushing it aside but it fell straight back over his forehead long enough to almost interfere with his eyes. "Your hair looks cute." She commented and had another attempt at pushing it back.
"Yeah?" He asked and heard her hum a response as he took hold of her hands firmly in his and continued to breathe deeply and calmly, reciting to himself that he was alone with Kate and she needed to trust him. It was all about the girl who stood before him and keeping her mind in the game.
Kate's eyes dropped to Rick's bare feet and slowly made their way up his legs, to his limp cock, his stomach and broad, masculine chest all of which she loved so much. "Castle?" She whispered lovingly and saw his shoulders straighten as his chest expanded. She saw his intense expression, his eyes darkened with affection. She felt herself start to relax and calm down in his presence, in a quiet room, uninterrupted by others. Unlike when she was away from him, when her internal dialogue caused her to suffer anxiety, right now everything felt at peace, quiet.
Rick smiled softly, visually taking in her whole face, her changing moods and the numerous expressions that crossed her face as she settled down. He combed her hair with his spread fingers. "I love you." He said and she responded instantly with her eyes looking into his.
"I love you too," she whispered, "my best friend." She rose elegantly to her tip toes leaning towards his lips she tenderly kissed, tasting him, feeling the softness of his lips. Her hands laid against his chest, feeling the strength of the muscles across his chest beneath her fingers. She stepped a little closer to him staying on her toes to meet his height. In the pit of her stomach she felt the pleasant tingling as her senses awakened. Then there was the sweet rush of blood to her loins, the welcome light headedness confirming he was all she wanted.
As they kissed, he untied the belt of her robe and gently pushed it off her shoulders letting it fall to her elbows. His hands softly swept around her bare waist beneath the robe, drawing her body closer to his from the small of her back. His fingertips roamed to the tip of her buttocks, felt the surface of her sacral and wandered aimlessly back up her spine as soft as a feather against her skin. He loved the small of her back the dip her pelvis caused especially when she wore heeled shoes. He breathed deeply, concentrated hard on keeping his anatomy from responding to her proximity and affection, but he couldn't stop the wave of emotions, the sparks that flared through his nervous system like electric shocks. It would be impossible to stop feeling it and he didn't want to ever lose those feelings the closeness her body caused him to experience. They were as addictive as a drug, but felt far better and left him trembling with the desire for more. No one else in the world did that to him, had ever made him feel like she did. The buzz between them was fascinating and addictive. He thought he'd been in love before but he'd been fooling himself; no, he'd been naïve, simply hadn't experienced true love.
They parted and Kate dropped her arms to allow the robe to fall to the floor. He once again took hold of her hands, but this time his eyes wandered her body, his face wearing a natural unforced expression of love and desire. Kate was the same, but on this occasion he saw she was more confident and comfortable. She released her little hum of contentedness and nibbled on her bottom lip.
"You're getting better." He stated and heard her hum a response. He leaned down and kissed her again, just to taste her to satisfy his own hunger.
Seconds later, he reached over to the taps he turned on, mainly to distract himself from her a momentarily so he could regain control of his desires. Once the water was the right temperature, he encouraged her into the shower ahead of him.
Beneath the flow of the water, Kate really found him, zoned in on them and completely let down her guard. They had always had fun in the bath or shower and even now she was taken back to that place of safety with him. She encircled her arms about his body and held onto him, his hands going to the back of her head. She kissed his lips her hands flat against the sides of his rib cage.
She stood down flat footed beneath the hot water and smiled to his face. "We'll be okay, Ricky."
"I know." He confirmed, noting she was in a good mood whenever she called him Ricky, unless of course she was being sarcastic. "Can I hug you? I want to hug you so much."
"Our hug?" She inquired her eyes shining.
"Of course!" He replied excitedly.
"Yes!" Kate exclaimed and instantly wrapped her arms about his neck, hopping to his height, as his arms grabbed her buttocks. She lifted her legs to his hips and held on tight feeling one of his arms go to her waist pulling her close as possible to him and they stayed that way beneath the shower, took the time to regroup. They were silent, but they both felt the intensity of the moments they stayed there. When she slid her legs back down his body to return to the floor, he gently let her down, then cradled her jaw, returning to her mouth. They kissed seriously, left breathless when they parted. Kate coyly smiled, looking down to his groin.
Rick smiled boyishly lifting her chin with a finger to see her eyes. "Sorry. I can't help it." He shrugged his shoulders. "It's you."
Kate grinned, went back to his mouth and kissed him again, her fingertips brushed the stubble over his jaw. "You love me. I know you can't help it." She hummed internally contemplating that if he hadn't reacted to their proximity and behaviour she would be worried. In fact she knew she would be crying, totally heartbroken. Internally, she quickly assessed how her body had reacted to him, mentally listed the things she had felt within when he'd held and kissed her. She followed his gaze to her breasts to see her nipples were erect, then looked back to his eyes with a smile.
"You obviously still feel something for me." He beamed smoothing her wet hair off her face. "I was worried you wouldn't want me anymore." He pulled her back to his body for another hug and her arms went around his torso holding her body tightly against his chest.
She felt safe, so safe. "Never." She said, feeling him pulsing hard against her belly. It provided her with relief that he wasn't repulsed by what he saw on her body. She'd been crazy for even thinking it, but it had been bothering her almost an entire day. There he was right there, not at all ashamed of the fact he desired her and was making it obvious he did. "I just need time." She said, feeling his chin rest on top of her head, his hand cup the back of her head.
"You can have as much time as you want. Just remember this moment." He kissed her forehead and lingered in their embrace a few moments longer before he gathered himself and said, "Alright, we need to wash up and get ready to leave. You have a big task ahead of you." He let her go and handed her the shampoo, content that he had her back, at least for a few hours.
Absent any make up, pale skinned, her dark hair with copper highlights tied back in a firm pony tail, wearing a plain pink hoodie and jeans with runners, Kate appeared much younger, plainer and drastically different to how she usually presented herself. Sorenson, Castle and Martha had Kate turn a circle before them, inspecting her for anything that would cause her to be recognised in public. Martha, a woman who prided herself in being detailed, closely studied every aspect of Kate from head to foot. Her clothing, hair, everything needed to look un-Beckett. Kate was still frail and thin compared to the woman she knew, different enough that people would be lucky to recognise her outside the way she currently appeared. Her clothing was loose instead of fitted and her hair was styled in a way Kate never wore it. Martha pursed her lips having noticed one particular part of Kate that people would recognise if they were close enough. It was an obvious point of reference to confirm her identity.
Martha glanced to her son. "The beauty spot on her cheek." She mentioned, touching her own left cheek, and instantly saw Kate's reaction, that she was conscious of it. "Sorry, darling." She stroked Kate's upper arm in reassurance.
"It's gorgeous!" Castle replied to his mother, "but I appreciate what you mean."
"Someone would have to be close to her to notice it." Sorenson remarked, thinking how it was so much a part of Kate that he didn't even notice it. "It's a stretch."
"We also can't do much about it." Kate said, her eyes widening.
"Perhaps we can." Martha said. "You will be wearing a hat because its cold out and we need to hide your hair."
"Not a hat." She groaned.
"No arguments. It's cold outside and you are a long way from being well. You could catch anything out there." Martha stated in a tone that told Kate not to bother arguing.
Sorenson and Castle glanced to each other in understanding. Castle, his eyes wide, mouthed to Kate. "Do not argue," and shook his head in the negative. The second Martha wasn't looking Kate gave him a look of frustration, her eyes narrowed.
Sorenson chuckled in amusement and leaned against the wall. He was beginning to understand why Castle was so animated and imaginative. He knew the big personalities in Rick's family would regularly freak out a more conservative Kate who was also accustomed to living alone.
"Hold still, Kate." Martha requested and Kate stood still. Martha freed up Kate's hair around her forehead allowing strands of it to fall softly around her face. Once the beauty spot was basically concealed she stood back and took a further scrutinising look. "You should do some modelling." She suggested noticing the contours of Kate's face would look great in black and white photographs with the right photographer.
"I do, did, for photographers." Kate admitted. "Be quiet guys." She also said shooting a look of warning to both men before the temptation to tease her took over.
"I would like to see them." Martha said.
"Richard has a lot of them on his laptop." Kate informed Martha in a tone that immediately had Rick on alert. She added, "I'm sure he would love to show them to you." She narrowed her eyes at Rick who retaliated with an expression of counteraction. She pouted her lips to stop a smile of cheekiness escaping her. She checked herself in the mirror also glancing at Rick's reflection as he indicated physically that she was going to pay for that remark to his mother. She ignored his bantering behaviour and focussed on her image. She rarely wore her hair as she had it now but it looked fine and Martha was right, it was difficult to see the spot on her left cheek, a definite feature of her face, when strands of hair were allowed to hang around her face.
Martha, who also ignored the good-humoured raillery taking place, took one more inspection of Kate. She passed Kate a woollen red and pink hat and a scarf from her own wardrobe, both different to what Kate would purchase for herself. Kate found it very difficult to keep the dislike off her face.
"Come on. We have to leave." Will reminded them. "You got the protective vest on Beckett?"
Kate patted her chest in response, all of them hearing the sound of the bullet proof vest beneath the clothing. She looked to Martha, her lips pursing in response to the sudden anxiety swarming within her stomach.
"Thanks Martha." She said and hugged her firmly. Once again the boys glanced to each other, neither of them accustomed to Kate being girly.
"I will have lunch ready for everyone when you all get back." Martha said and gently pushed Kate to Richard. Kate pulled on the hat and hung the scarf over her neck. Rick took hold of Kate's hand.
"Thanks Mother. We'll see you in a couple of hours. The FBI guys will be here." He nodded to the two agents who were staying. The two who were escorting them were waiting on the other side of the door. Sorenson opened the door, giving Kate one last glance.
"Okay Kate. Let's do it." Sorenson said and nodded to Castle who urged Kate through the front door into the security of the FBI agents. She was unable to walk with her normal stride because of the fracture to her pelvis, and the extra weight of the protective vest but she kept up.
In the elevator, everyone was quiet. Castle was surprised the elevator didn't stop at any of the floors on the journey to the car park level. He noticed Kate positioned herself in a back corner of the elevator so he and Sorenson were between her and the FBI agents who had been instructed by Sorenson days ago not to acknowledge Kate until she settled down. They were solely there to protect her. Sorenson had made it clear to Kate on several occasions that the guys were not going to come near her and Rick thought she seemed comfortable with that so long as they didn't come too close. All the way down Rick noticed Kate repeatedly peered over his shoulders at the agents, like a kid would observe strangers. It would be a humorous act of an adult if he didn't understand the reason she did it. It was an act that would soon disappear. Once they reached the car parking lot, the agents went ahead of Sorenson, Castle and Beckett to ensure the area was safe for Kate to enter. Kate walked between Castle and Sorenson, tightly holding Rick's hand as they headed towards the vehicles.
They had just stepped out of the foyer and were crossing the car park when Sorenson made a decision and ordered. "Carry her, Rick. She's not fast enough."
"Will!" Kate objected glancing to her left at him, but also let Rick hook her right arm around his neck as he scooped her up, she partially hopping up for him, and he jostled her up high enough against his body to be comfortable. "I can walk." She stipulated clearly hanging on to Rick.
"Not well enough." Rick replied. "Keep quiet. You're dead, remember? And you'll be walking when we get there." He quietly reminded her, which caused Kate to narrow her eyes at him. "I'm ignoring that look." He remarked. "You are almost your regular weight with the vest on." He muttered.
"It's heavy to wear." She replied. She had to concede that even with Castle carrying her weight in addition to his own, they did progress across the car park to Rick's sedan faster than Kate could have managed on her own. She understood Will wanted her across the car park and into the safety of the vehicle as quickly as possible.
Sorenson unlocked the vehicle and opened the passenger front door, scanning the car park. No one outside of the four men knew where Kate was going. He hoped that Cahill's party kept it discreet to ensure Kate's safety once they arrived at the site.
Castle let Kate down to the ground so she could get in the passenger side of the vehicle. He held out the seat belt for her then closed the door once she was safely inside. He turned to Sorenson.
"Williams and Sanchez will drive in front, and I will stay behind your vehicle. Do not let Kate get out the car until we are at the destination. She had a crack at escaping when we were one the way to the safe house so she may attempt it today."
"Understand." Rick replied clenching his jaw to stop the anger escaping him that she had been taken from him in the first place by the FBI. He briefly wished she had escaped Sorenson's car that night.
Sorenson handed Rick a radio transmitter that he quickly inspected. "We communicate via them if we need to. We will be able to hear you guys in the event something goes haywire we will know." He paused looking from the car where Kate patiently waited to Rick. "If she starts to lose it, try and keep her head in the game."
"I'll keep her together." Castle replied and swallowed nervously. "What if we need to abandon?"
"Just let me know you need to turn back and we will escort you home." Sorenson said and looked to Castle in understanding. He nodded. "She could well lose it. Understandably so. She lost control the night I drove her to the safe house but this is far worse."
"Agreed. All right." He clapped his hands once. "Let's get this show on the road." Castle took the keys and walked to the driver's side. Inside the sedan, he sneaked a glimpse of Kate who was remarkably calm. She had removed the hat and had it, along with the outrageously coloured scarf, resting in her lap where her hands rested. "Ready, Babe?"
"Yep." She replied slapping her lips on the 'p'. "Let's do it." She said and looked to Rick with a forced smile. He threw the car into reverse and looked over his shoulder.
The convoy of vehicles slowly left the apartment block and turned right into the traffic flow keeping together. They now had to ensure vehicles didn't come between any of them.
"Thanks for nominating me to show my mom your photographs by the way, Honey." Rick said. He heard Kate chuckle in amusement. "Nice one."
"Yeah." She patted his thigh in consolation, "I thought you and Martha could do with some lengthy bonding time." She smirked aware he had hundreds of professional photographs of her on his laptop.
"We'll see. This is not over." He warned his tone full of challenge.
"You're nominated, Honey." Kate replied placing heavy emphasis on their pet name. "Anyway, it's payback for the photo you took of my ass."
"Oh! I knew that would come back to bite me, if you will pardon the pun."
Kate pouted her lips to prevent a smile breaking over his response. "Well, you deserve it." She replied under her breath.
Castle thought about the photo he had snapped of Kate one morning in the Hamptons when she been asleep. "It's a good photo." He defended. "You had underwear on."
"A g-string, so my ass was right out there!" She objected and grumbled glaring at him in disapproval.
Rick, ignoring her, expressed a groan of appreciation of the photograph he also mentally pictured, of Kate who had been sound asleep face down on the bed with a nothing but a pink g-string concealing her stuff. Her tanned bare buttocks, the shapely contours of her body which at the time had been strong and fit from all their exercise. He loved it. "It's a damn sexy photo." He glanced to her seeing her expression. "What? You have photos of me in next to nothing!"
"I don't…. "
The transmitter beeped stopping Kate. "You do realise we can hear you?" Sorenson interjected.
Kate and Rick looked to each other and giggled like two kids who had been caught out misbehaving.
"Sorry." She said sitting up straight and playing with the hat. "This colour is so not me." She stated forgetting the picture Rick had of her. She was sure he had more than he ever let on because he was often up writing during the night while she slept and probably had plenty of occasions to snap photos of her.
"I agree. You look far cuter in your red hat."
"Uh huh." She agreed. "This is so …."
"Martha."
"Yes." She scrunched it up in her hands. "They are very soft to touch."
Rick didn't respond but glanced to her, recognising she was nervous and trying to act normally.
Kate soon lost interest in the hat and began to channel surf the radio stations, skipping through the channels repeatedly, unable to find a song she was content to listen to. This nervous habit of hers always had and still did annoy the hell out of Rick. On most occasions, he let it go fully aware it was one of Kate's coping mechanisms. She did it whenever they were travelling to a risky situation on the job and he usually chose to ignore. She also did it if they were arguing and then he would always switch off the radio so they could resolve their disagreements. Over the five minutes Rick estimated he heard twelve different songs, three conversations and sixteen advertisements, most of which he heard twice because of the rate she was shifting from channel to channel.
The VHS transmitter beeped and Sorenson's inpatient voice sounded. "Kate, will you fucking stop with the radio? I can't believe you still do that shit!"
Rick coughed in surprise. Kate glared angrily at the VHS transmitter sitting in the drinks slot in the middle console. She hissed impatiently but put the radio back to their mutually favourite station and dropped her hand to her lap saying nothing. Castle laughed unable to hold it back any longer. She shot him a narrow eyed look. He shut up.
"I hear you." Sorenson said.
Kate glared at the transmitter and barked. "You know too much, Sorenson!"
They heard Sorenson laughing hard. Castle chuckled. He felt her eyes burning through the side of his head. Braved up, he glanced to her. "What?" He squawked.
"Nothing!" She responded and turned her eyes to the road ahead.
"I didn't say it. Your protective detail did!" He defended his voice higher than normal. "Sorenson, help me here!" He squawked at the transmitter. All they heard was Sorenson's laughter. Kate and Rick glanced to each other then Kate's eyes narrowed like a cat's at the transmitter. Rick put his hand on Kate's thigh and gave her a long gentle stroke as he continued to follow the FBI's vehicle wondering why the hell the lead driver had chosen the route they were on. If he'd been in the lead he would have travelled two more blocks before making the turn they'd made a block earlier. Too late. He let it go. The moment between Sorenson and Beckett had lightened the mood in the car enough to let him relax a bit. The nausea in his stomach had consequently eased a little.
The next thing Rick heard was the sound of Kate biting the nail of her right thumb. His anxiety level increased. Once again he glanced to her, but chose to remain silent. He felt nervous about what they were about to do, and he hated to even contemplate what was going through Kate's mind the closer they got. The only plus presently was that that Kate didn't know the location of where they had found her. However, he guessed she would soon figure it out. The nail biting was a definite indication she was anxious. The next thing that caught her attention was the song on the radio. Guns and Roses. She changed stations before the song had even played for four seconds. He knew she disliked the band but she usually wasn't so temperamental about it. He shot another glance at her.
"Castle!" She growled.
"Really, Kate?" Rick sighed heavily, growing impatient with her snappy mood.
"Don't say a word, Will." Kate ordered at the transmitter and shifted in her seat ignoring Rick's comment.
Rick passed her his iPhone. "Connect it Babe. Play something off that."
Kate took his phone and connected it to the stereo. She searched through his music collection in his application and chose Andrew Belle whom she really liked.
As soon as he heard the song, Rick smiled. "The Ladder. Good choice."
Kate didn't reply, but listened to the song and turned her attention to all the people going about business in the city, the trucks, vehicles and the couriers on their bikes. The car blocked out most of the city noises making it feel like she was in some sort of bubble looking in on the lives of others.
And then there was her life that had been on track until recently. She glanced down at her engagement ring and straightened it to its correct position. She loved it, how it looked independently as a piece of jewellery and how it was on her long slender finger. With the length of her fingers, Rick had had the freedom to choose any size setting to place on her finger. He had listened to Alexis and Martha's advice and picked a large solitaire diamond. It was the only ring she had accepted and the only one she ever wanted.
Martha and Alexis had managed to extract from Kate the type of rings she liked when the three of them had gone on a shopping trip in search of a ring for Alexis. She later found out the whole day had been a hoax simply to learn Kate's preferences in rings. Everyone at the time thought it was funny that the detective had been outdone by civilians working together to conceal their plan of action. Regardless of the fact she had been tricked, she loved what it meant to her sentimentally, that his whole family and her father had worked together to learn something about her. She had the story behind it, the fact Rick had given it to her and been resourceful in eliciting from her what she liked. Rick had told her he already had the matching wedding band for it, she simply had to make a date to marry. She looked to him and reached to his hand she took a hold of.
"I'm sorry." She said.
"It's okay." Rick replied easing her, and smiled briefly preferring to keep his eyes on the road.
She once again looked around the neighbourhood recognising they were now entering the industrial region, south west of the Precinct. She let go of his hand so he could manoeuvre the car around a parked truck and returned hers to her lap. Her heart was thumping out of her chest.
"There won't be anyone there?" Kate asked.
"Detective Cahill and her team will be. Ryan and Esposito are meeting us there. I will be right beside you."
"I mean, will any of the men who took me be there?" She put her hand to her neck, coughed feeling constricted. Her mouth was dry.
"I don't think so. But there will be quite a lot of guys there, Kate. Will you be ok with that?" He asked, having not thought about the chance she would be afraid to be near men in general. He also hoped Sorenson was listening to their conversation and would ensure all those present would be kept well away from her. They had all considered close contact may be a problem but not day to day interactions whilst moving about.
"I think so." She swallowed. "Do you have any water in the car?"
"In the back on the floor there's a bottle." He replied. "Did you hear that Will?" He inquired.
The VHS transmitter beeped. "Roger that. Will radio forward to ensure they maintain a buffer between them and you."
"Thanks." Rick replied and glanced to Kate who looked relieved.
She then reached back and found the bottle of water. She took a mouthful, swished her mouth and swallowed. She offered it to Rick but he declined so she lidded the bottle and placed it in the console.
"You will be safe with us." He reassured, having now contemplated what the scene could possibly look like through Kate's eyes. She had after all been violated when she had assumed she was in safe custody at the safe house. Why would she feel safe in public?
He glanced to her hearing her respiration had shallowed. She was no longer breathing from her abdomen as she was too tense He pulled up at a red light behind the FBI car. He heard her try the door handle to no avail. He'd locked all the doors before he had left the car park. He also laid his hand over the button on the console that would release the door, just beating Kate to it. She growled under her breath but said nothing,
"Stay here, Kate." He quietly said and saw her huddle her hands to her chest and look to him. She was severely afraid and wanted to run. He silently asked himself at what point this strong, independent woman had finally been broken by them, what event had caused her mind to block her memory, but still allowed her to behave and react to situations as though she could recall every second. He feared every day there was going to come a time or an event, which would make her afraid of him, of all of them and she would simply disappear.
With the lights green again he accelerated behind the FBI vehicle. They were about five blocks away from their destination.
"Rick?"
"Mmm?"
"Please take me home. I can't do this today." She stated staring at her shaking hands.
"You're not going to do this alone. You can do it." He encouraged when in fact he wasn't sure at all whether she would get through it. He couldn't predict what he was driving her to, which worried him greatly. He followed the lead car through an intersection. "Get this over and done with and we're going somewhere you can be safe."
"When?"
"As soon as we can pack and get the hell out of the city. Do you want to go away with me?"
Kate nodded and looked over to him as he happened to glance to her. "I'll go anywhere with you."
"Then we'll leave as soon as we can." He confirmed and reached for her face he lightly brushed with the back of his hand.
"Fine." Kate replied and looked out the front window sensing they were getting close to where she had been found. "Promise me you will take me away, Castle." She said a minute later.
"We'll go as soon as possible. I already have a place in mind." He reached to her head and caressed her hair, sensing the anxiety levels were rapidly on their way up within her. "We'll go where you will be safe and can recover." He reassured once again.
She nodded. "I just have to identify the place, tell Detective Cahill anything I can remember and that's it." She recited.
"Correct." Castle replied. "You can do it." He encouraged and found her hand again he held firmly, feeling her tremble. Her hand was ice cold.
"I'll do it. I'm a cop remember?" She stated, her tone almost bordering on being cynical.
"I know, and as your partner I will be right beside you." He stated and lifted her hand to his lips to kiss the back of her hand. "Always."