Woah…. So it's been like ten years since I've updated and stuff, huh? I know that I've probably lost the majority of my readers, and that's ok, because I still have a few that have been waiting for this and I don't want to disappoint them. I told you I wouldn't give up! So for those of you who have been waiting and are still supporting me, thank you so much. Really. This one is all for you!

After the break in, things went from bad to worse for James. He felt horrible, but he still smiled because he would rather not talk about it. He gave off the illusion that he was perfectly alright to his friends, that the tweets and the tabloids and the hate didn't bother him one bit, but none of it was true.

James could feel himself slipping; the grip on his sanity was slowly disintegrating. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, but still, James held on for the sake of his friends. Just because he was a screw up, didn't mean he had to bring his friends' reputation down with him. The problem with people, though, is that they can only hold on for so long. Sooner or later, they're going to have to either let go or let someone else pull them up.

James didn't have anybody to pull him up.

The weeks were long and hard for James. Every week, James would cancel his therapy sessions, and there were times he just wouldn't show up. He couldn't step a foot outside of the Palm Woods without being bombarded with paparazzi.

He spent most of his time in his room, locked away from the flashes of cameras and the offensive statements made about him. He didn't understand why people couldn't just leave him alone. Things were already hard, so why couldn't they let him have a little peace? Was that too much to ask for?

What made him feel even worse, however, was that he had doomed his friends to the same prison. They couldn't go outside either. And while James was perfectly content to never leave his room, he knew his friends were going crazy being cooped. Gustavo had told them to stay out of sight, to not talk to anyone. Which meant that there was there was nowhere to go without breaking their boss' rule.

And that made James guilty. It wasn't enough that he had to go and ruin his own life, but he had to ruin his friends' lives as well. Neither Kendall nor Carlos nor Logan ever once blamed him or even looked at him wrong, but it didn't matter. James could just tell that they hated him. They couldn't stand him. They resented him.

And that was ok, because James kinda hated himself too.

James didn't want to do it; he really didn't. He didn't want to let his friends down; he didn't want to get everyone fired. He didn't want to ruin things all over again. But he couldn't take it anymore. He just needed one minute to get out of his own mind; just one minute of peace.

And there was only one thing that James cold think of that could possibly get him there.

He waited for his chance so that no one would have to know. He wanted until a fine Tuesday afternoon when Mama Knight and Katie were out grocery shopping and the boys decided to head down to the pool. Obviously, they asked James to go with them. Carlos even gave his puppy-dog eyes, but James rejected the offer. He had something else he needed to do.

He waited until the door closed, and even a few minutes longer just to make sure they didn't come back for something. And then he slowly made his way to his shared bathroom with Kendall. Obviously, his family tried to hide the painkillers from him. Out sight, out of mind, as they say. But nothing can ever stay hidden, and James found them with ease the week before.

James didn't bother to lock the door behind him; he wouldn't be very long, after all. He sat down in his usual place on the floor. It felt like he had never left.

James placed one pill on his tongue and swallowed. Then one and two and four and eight. And for that briefest moment, James felt happy. He felt how he used to and he relished in it. He never wanted it to end.

Maybe that's why he didn't hear the front door open and close.

James could vaguely register that there were footsteps in the apartment, but he didn't exactly care. He didn't even bother to get up and lock the door. It didn't really matter anymore now that he had what he needed.

"James!" a voice called out. "Have you seen my beach towel? I forgot to bring it with me!" James didn't respond. Was there really any point? Still, this person kept talking. "Did Mom throw it in the wash? Hey, where are you?"

The footsteps were getting closer and closer, but still, James made no movement to lock the door. It was only when the voice suddenly appeared at the door that James started to panic.

"James? Are you in here man?" he said.

"Y-yeah," James slurred. "Just—uh—give me a minute. I'll be r-right out-t."

"Are you ok? You sound a little funny…"

James could hear the knob start to turn. Before he could get out another word, the door opened to reveal none other than Kendall, whose surprised expression quickly turned to anger. "James!" he yelled. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I, uh, I" James stumbled. "Kendall, look, I can explain."

"No you can't! This is exactly what it looks like! I'll tell you what's happening! You stole some more pills and are getting high in the bathroom! James, I thought you wanted to get better!"

James resisted a sob. "I do want to get better!"

"The hell you do!" Kendall screeched. James swore he saw steam coming out of Kendall, but that might have just been the pills. "What is the matter with you!"

That's when James started to get mad himself. "I just wanted a minute of peace! I honestly don't think you know how hard this is! But you wouldn't understand anyway, so what's the use? It's not like you care! Kendall, this is hard and it is painful and it is everyday!"

Kendall didn't speak for a long time after that, so long that it was making James nervous. After a too long silence, James tentatively spoke. "Kendall?" No answer. "Kendall, please say something to me."

Kendall sighed. "There's nothing to say. Words aren't gonna change anything." He paused again. "I miss you. Where are you?"

There was another long silence before James spoke up once more. "Have you ever cried to hard that you couldn't even breathe properly? I'm sorry I can't just stand here and pretend like everything is ok."

Kendall looked like he was about to throw up. "But… you promised."

"I know I did, and I'm sorry that I'm like this. Maybe I'm just insane." At this point, tears were falling down James' face, streaming across his cheeks and running down his neck. He hated the wet feeling, but he couldn't raise a hand to wipe them away.

"You know you're making the wrong choice," Kendall said with a disgusted face. "But you're gonna make it anyway, aren't you?"

"You don't get it!"

"Then explain it to me, James! Make me get it! Make me understand, why don't you?"

James stopped. How could he explain it? Was there a way? "I feel like… like I'm screaming and no one can hear me. I feel like I don't have anyone. It's not the kind of feeling you can just forget."

"James, I am right here. I want to help you so bad, but you won't let me in. How do you expect not to be alone if you won't let anyone in?"

"I'm better off alone."

Kendall ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "No, you're just selfish so you go to a bottle instead of the people who actually care about you."

"Kendall—"

"No! Let me finish! Do you have any idea what you have put this house through? We try everything to help you and each time we just get a slap in the face! We want to help you! Don't you see that? We are trying everything!

"And each time, you just push us away, push us away." Kendall is pacing at this point. "Do you know how much that hurts us? How do you think Logan feels, James, huh? And what about Carlos? Do you know how hard those two try to get through to you? My mom has taken care of you and fed you and has done your laundry… This is how you repay her? Do you understand what Katie is going through, how she is feeling?

"And what about me, James?" Kendall stops in his tracks and turns to face said boy. His eyes narrow into slits. "I could never hurt you the way you hurt me."

"And you've never hurt me?" James asked, flabbergasted. "Do you not remember what I said the night I went to the hospital? You weren't there for me. I needed you and you were never there. So don't even start on how I hurt you because you hurt me first!"

"I should hate you," Kendall hissed.

James stood up. "I hate me too, Kendall! I hate everything!"

Kendall gave one more disgusted scoff before he turned to leave, but James' cold hand grabbed his wrist to stop him. "Don't go. Please. I need you more than you think. I promised you that I would never give in, but I lied. And I'm sorry. But if you give up on me, then I'm gonna give up on me too."

Kendall bent down and picked up all of the discarded pills on the floor and turned his back. James begged him to stop again, and he did, but he refused to look at James. James words were shaky with his tears. "If you leave, then I don't want you to come back."

"Gladly," Kendall spat, and closed the door behind him.

James sunk back to the ground and covered his face with his hands. "But I don't want to lose you."

And there we go. Probably the darkest chapter so far. But I really hope you guys liked it 'cause I worked pretty hard on it. For once, I'm actually pretty proud of an update that I've put out. Tell me what you thought though! The button's down below!