One pint of Ben & Jerry's Mint Chocolate Cookie, three hours of the ER finale and infinite amounts of crying later, here is the next chapter. Thank you to my readers.

IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD
April 2002

The weather was clear and sunny; optimum for the ebullient screams of a children's birthday party. The lightest of breezes necessitated merely a loose sweater, and it showed no sign of stopping little Joey and several of his closest friends as they attacked a playground at a local park. Gracie folded her arms, her feet crunching against the soft green grass as she took a couple of steps forward, laughing with mild concern at the sight of her nephew as he swung upside down in a tire swing. She glanced over her shoulder toward a nearby picnic table, where Fiona, Malucci's ex-girlfriend and baby mama, was setting up platters of veggies and dip. She didn't look the least bit concerned. Gracie shook her head and smiled.

Close by, parents of the other children chatted, while a few yards away, Carter supervised Malucci's use of the barbecue. Gracie grinned as Carter caught sight of her gaze, pointed at her brother and yelled, "I don't think this guy knows what he's doing!"

Malucci shoved an elbow into his side and pointed a set of barbecue tongs at him. "You're talking to the grill master here, okay?"

The two quarreled jokingly, and Gracie found herself rolling her eyes and looking away, back toward the playground. It was Joey's fifth birthday, and it was sort of bittersweet to watch. Especially when she found herself reflecting on the fact that she hadn't even known about his existence for the first two years of his life. So much had changed. She had spent ten years completely ignorant of her brother's comings and goings, not having the slightest clue of his location or even his well-being, and here she was — at his son's birthday party. Bittersweet was the only word.

"Gracie!"

Her head turned to catch sight of Fiona, just in time to catch a set of car keys thrown at her. She gave the young woman a quizzical look. "I left the cake in my car, can you go get it?" Fiona explained with a questioning tone.

Gracie smiled, nodded, and set off toward the parking lot. Carter came jogging after her a few moments later, his arm snaking around her waist as he pulled her to his side. "You know," he began, rather nonchalantly, "this sweatshirt is all that's keeping me away from you."

"Is that a fact?"

"You betcha."

He was grinning before the words even ceased on his lips. She smiled slightly, but the thought on her mind was difficult to ignore. She found herself considering her words carefully as they moved from grass to pavement. "John," Gracie began thoughtfully, "why are you a doctor?"

He seemed utterly baffled by her question. He laughed, shrugged, and admitted honestly, "I don't know anymore."

"You thought you knew?"

"Once. For a while." Carter pursed his lips, shook his head and tried to demonstrate his point with his hand. "You know, these things, they're all feelings. It's all in your head."

Gracie licked her lips. "I'm not sure I follow."

"Is there something you're not telling me?" Carter asked as they crossed onto the asphalt of the parking lot, simultaneously coaxing and sympathetic.

She actually laughed, and the tone was reflective of her bittersweet feelings. She paused, two feet away from an empty soda bottle someone had run over with their car, shook her head, peered up at the sunshine and said, "Oh, I just... Dave told me that he's decided to take a job as a paramedic. Instead of a doctor. And I just got to thinking, you know?"

His gaze was steady on her. "Too much thinking is bad for you."

"I know."

It was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Why are you a nurse?"

Gracie exhaled a shuddering breath.

"Because I don't know how to be anything else," she said.

He reached out, pulled her in close, her chin pressing against his shoulder as he kissed the top of her head. "The grass is greener on every side," he murmured. "The best we can do is go with our gut."

"And what does my gut say, John?"

She peered up at him, close enough to catch the slightest scent of soap, and he stared right back. When he spoke, his voice cracked. "That you want to do what you couldn't do for your mom."

It's a funny thing, emotion — it sometimes comes when it is least expected. Her chin trembled, her chest felt heavy and any words that came out were unintelligible. No tears were to be found, but her loss was palpable. He drew her back in again, hugged her tight. They were in the same boat. If change had done anything at all, it had made that very clear. "Some people make their choices out of necessity," Carter whispered in her ear. "Others make it out of desire. You were not my necessity."

She sniffled and gazed up at him. "Don't make this about you."

"I was just hoping it would make you feel better."

Gracie laughed, and he pressed his forehead against hers. His palm flattened gently against the nape of her neck, and she closed her eyes. She whispered, "I love you."

And he said, "That's the only thing I'm certain of anymore."

----