Woo! 19 is up and ready to read, baby! I can hardly believe that I've gotten this far, and I probably wouldn't have if it wasn't for everybody that's been reading and reviewing. So thanks guys. I owe you for every word that I type.
Anyways, with all that said, I cannot wait to start 20 'cause the plot really picks up (cliffie at the end of that one, so prepare yourselves. Heheh...) and it's gonna be so awesome 'cause Duskmon is in it. But I told myself I wouldn't start it until I got Chp. 3 of my 02 book done, and yeah. That might take a while at this pace, with school and everything.
But enough of my jabbering, please enjoy the following program, no commercials! (I know, that sucked. But I hope you like the chapter anyways. Please review! I love hearing from you guys. And if you have questions, just put 'em in your review or something and I'll answer whenever and however. Enjoy!~)
Chapter 19: Fake It
Sighing, I dropped to the floor again, my hair flopping into my face as if it was trying to make me look emo. All the people at the last school I'd gone to had thought that of me because of how I'd dressed (Mostly black with a bit of everything mixed in here and there during a blue moon.) and the way my hair was always everywhere and in my face (I had World Wars with brushes every morning. It wasn't my fault that my hair almost always won.), but it hadn't bothered me at all. Until this chick Emi Kato noticed the cuts Hiroshi had given my arms.
That bite of gossip raced around the school faster than the star of the track team. In the time it takes you to brush your teeth, everyone was staring at me like I was some kind of bloodthirsty maniac, avoiding me as if I were a disease that could kill you with a swift touch to your skin. Anger surged through me like millions of waterfalls whenever someone pointed inconspicuously over at me and made a cutting gesture across their arms. The one thing that I wanted to do was go up to them and just shove them backpack and all into their locker and leave them in there to rot. It was sorely tempting, but something kept on prodding me in the back of the head and assuring me that it wouldn't be as fulfilling as it sounded. So I only did that once—to Emi—and got suspended until I could say my A, B, C's backwards on the moon.
Chikushou, it felt good to get some payback.
But that honey-sweet sensation didn't last as long as I wished it would've, and I was right back at trying to hold my raging self back after what seemed like an eternity. It got harder and harder every day to keep up with my end of the struggle; I had no one to go to for help. All of it was after the accident, and the rumors of my being a cutter had scared away most of the people I'd actually hung around with during the few hours of the school day. I'd never been able to get real friends that stuck by me through everything, but then again, I hardly ever gave people the chance to show me that they would.
However, that wasn't the only thing that Emi did to make my pathetic little life even more miserable. Any guy that wasn't afraid of a girl that had scars on her wrists wasn't strong enough to withstand Emi's 'charm'. She was the kind of girl every guy had wet dreams about when they finally realized what was different between men and ladies. Her hair was pine-tree-brown, so bold and brilliant that you had the sense that you could just lean close and literally smell the sweetness of a forest in the chill of winter. The subeta had eyes like a queen's golden crown: Shiny, bright, and so beautiful they were hypnotizing. Her teeth were so white you'd think she spent all the time she wasn't frenching somebody's boyfriend or putting up posters of Justin Bieber and Robert Pattinson she was brushing her teeth with bleach.
She stole every guy that ever came close to liking me right out from under my fingertips. For a while I assumed that that was just the way that boys were, always looking for the girl with the best tan, most revealing clothes, and hair that knew it was supposed to do what you wanted. But I started to think differently as I got older, and started not even caring about what guys wanted from the girls they chased by the time I was 11. That day was probably the best day I'd had that whole year, when I just stopped caring. But I could remember the worst day of them all clearly; it haunted me like the ghoul in the train I'd seen yesterday. It had alienated me from everyone for good.
I groaned, irritated that I hadn't gone through with my first idea: Ditch school today too and just hide out until I had to catch the bus back with the rest of the kids that lived at the orphanage. Mr. Yakatsuki would have another stroke if I missed it and got back at 6 like what happened last time. He was drilling me about how if my parents were still there they would be acting just like he was, and that the next time that this happened I would have a 'buddy' riding with me and hanging around with me during the day. But I knew what he meant: I had to be supervised so I didn't do anything he thought was stupid.
Despite the nagging little voice in my head telling me it wasn't too late, I knew it would look suspicious if I turned and shot out of there like a bullet. Letting out an exasperated sigh, I trudged up the rest of the steps and walked silently into the building that was anything but quiet. I doubted any yaro here even knew how to spell that word in this kusoimaimashii place.
Glancing around from side to side, I could see others quickly averting their eyes from me, like usual. I sent a snarl at one girl who hadn't turned away from me: Emi. She lived to make my life as suckish as she could. The subeta tried to out-do me in everything, be it grades, sports, anything. She always got straight A's (Except for one year when she forgot to study and cheated off of my answers. I noticed and made sure to make all of them wrong. I may've failed, but I brought her down with me and it was funny as hell.), was almost always just the slightest bit faster or stronger than I was, etc.
First class today according to the buzz around the hallways was Physical Education, the only time of the day I could unleash all my pissed-off-ness and not even get sent to the office for it. The best thing about it was that there was a good chance of today being a dodge ball day. Emi was in that class with me. And I had a pretty chikushou good throwing arm.
But as soon as I'd joined the rest of the class, it was clear to me that dodge ball wasn't what Ms. Kobayashi had in mind for the hour or so that we'd have to obey her rules. There were racks of bokutos and shinais, keikojis and hakamas scattered all around us, and it was pretty frickin' hard not to be able to tell exactly what we were going to be doing. Kendo.
"Okay, students," Ms. Kobayashi clapped her hands a few times, signaling for us to gather in a semi-circle around her so she could give us the gist of the class. Her golden blonde hair rested lazily on her shoulders as she swung a hand over, nearly whacking a pissed Hiroshi in the face as she gestured the Kendo equipment. "As some of you can see, we will be using this equipment to make you all a bit less shrimpy and maybe get you a new hobby. Now, get into any armor that'll fit you and find a Kendo partner. And remember children, if you break any bones, it's going in your permanent record!" She gave me an unsure glance, like she wasn't entirely certain that it was a good idea to give me a big wooden stick that was meant for fighting, but she shrugged and went off to help a kid get his head back out of the helmet despite her senses.
Mentally rolling my eyes at her doubts of me, I meandered over to the racks and dressed myself in the armor, the materials hugging my body as if I were meant to fight for the good of everything one day. I felt a sense of belonging in the armor, a tender sensation that hardened my core and set my muscles on fire. Inside me voices said that with these tools, some day I'd make something of both myself and fix something else. But I just shook the feeling out of my head, keeping it in my fibers for extra adrenaline boosts.
Reaching out for a shinai, a thunderous sound rumbled from within my throat when a voice I utterly despised called out from behind me, approaching rapidly from the sound of the shuffling, "Hey, Tosh-Emo," I reluctantly turned to see Emi coming up to me with a wicked grin on her face; she'd been calling me that stupid name since the first day she laid eyes on me and learned my name. I couldn't help but wonder what the seiko she wanted from me.
"What the hell do you kusoimaimashii want, subeta?" I snapped with a deadly grimace, my teeth flashing her the finger without even needing to raise my hand. She set off emotions in me that I barely recognized, such anger that it couldn't all be mine, it couldn't all be human. Humans couldn't feel like this. But what did that have to do with anything? "Don't you have one of your little jakkasu posse-buddies to be battling?" The smile on her porcelain face didn't fade, she didn't even twitch at my rage. It only made my blood boil all the more.
Emi put on such an innocent face I nearly believed her (With that lying subeta, that was saying something.) as she said with a little pout, "Actually, I was hoping that you and I could have a little match of our own. I wanna see firsthand what you're made of. And what better way than by fighting you, eh?" Most days, I would've chucked something at her and told her to get the hell away from me before I was poisoned by her presence, but today, the opportunity to whack her multiple times with a big piece of wood crafted for such use was just too good to refuse.
With a slight nod of my head, I hesitantly followed her over to the fighting area where groups of other classmates were already falling and tripping all over themselves in attempts to get a strike against their foe. Emi and I stood opposite each other, hatred laced in my gaze at her wicked smirk. I could've sworn I could hear her saying something about that this was going to be fun since I had no clue of what she could do. But I got senses like that all the time; it wasn't anything new, and I shook it off all the same.
As soon as Ms. Kobayashi let out the shrill whistle for us to begin, both of us sprung forward, shinais at the ready. I let out a yell as I slashed at her, hitting the armor hard and with a deafening blast. But Emi didn't seem surprised at my powerful attack by any means; all she did was glower at me before replying with a slash of her own, the wooden weapon whistling through the air like a missile. Though she could've been going in slow-motion for all I cared; one swift movement and she was blocked, but it was still just barely enough to send me stumbling back a foot or two.
The recoil wasn't sufficient to keep me away for long, and I was right back in her face within a matter of seconds, my shinai clashing against hers and her armor. She tried to block each of my strikes like I had, but I kept coming like a warrior, crazed and lost in the dark. I wanted her to feel the pain I'd held inside for so many years; I felt my pent up rage and I just couldn't control it. My skin tingled and burned with a sudden adrenaline, all of my movements growing stronger and stronger, each one now a blur.
These sensations felt like I wasn't even doing them myself, like they were robotic and automatic. I'd felt like this a few times before, and it was almost normal to feel like this now, but this time it seemed somehow different, like the feeling was a bit more powerful now. It didn't feel right, or all that normal, but it was something. And I'd rather feel like a freak, or a mutant, than not be able to feel anything at all.
Emi's porcelain face was now contorted in fright and concentration, fearing what I could do if she missed one blockade. She attempted to push back against my offense, but she didn't get anywhere, and now we were starting to draw attention from the other students and Ms. Kobayashi. Everyone was staring now, their eyes and ears trained on the scene before them: One girl losing her mind in the middle of a battle, and the other doing her best not to be stuck like a boar. And her best wasn't so great.
I let out another yell as I slammed a foot into her torso, knocking her off her feet and onto her back. Emi cried out pathetically as she fell, her shinai having been dropped from her grasp and skittered across the floor, leaving her defenseless aside from her armor. After getting over her shock of me being capable of beating her, she glared up at me with anger and loathing in her stormy gray eyes, "What the hell are you, you freak?"
Staring down at her like a raven watching a rodent run below within the trap of its shadow, I felt frozen in time, unable to feel my own heartbeat, but hearing one all the same. Every time I breathed out, something else was breathing in, and vice versa. It felt like someone who knew everything about me existed beside me, was there forever as my shadow, would never leave me to face my troubles alone.
"But I guess…" I mumbled to myself, unwrapping my arms from my legs and standing again, my hair sticking to my face due to tears that I hadn't bothered to brush away from my face. I walked along the rut of dust I'd made in the floor from pacing so much after that fight with Koji, and headed outside onto the small platform on the back of the train. I sighed into the chilled, sandy wind, "I guess alone is what I was all along…"
I rested my crossed arms against the railing, leaning over to bury my mouth and chin in the soft, slightly torn and dusty fabric. From the outside, anyone could've guessed I felt empty and confused, and been half wrong. But inside, though I was confused, I was everything but empty. Wereraiomon's spirit was there within me, trying to find how the voice kept getting to me, Raveamon was there, sleeping somewhere cold since I could barely feel her presence anymore, and I could sense AncientRaiafemon watching over me. But why couldn't any of them discover what kept screwing with my directions and sending me off on all the wrong paths, only to be caught by the dusk?
Gazing out over the tracks with so many things on my mind, it made me wonder about Ophanimon. Why would she have called me to the Digital World to help save it if all I was really doing was hindering the people who actually had the ability to aid it in recovering? She was a Celestial Digimon; she had to know what she was doing, and exactly what it would be causing. And that meant that she knew what I was meant to do, and how I was messing up and trapped between the only sides you could be on. She had to know something about this world—and even me—that I couldn't see. She just had to.
Seraphimon had tried to tell me what I needed and wanted to know, he'd done what he could to help me before my big mouth had hurled his demise into sight. It was my fault he was gone, that he couldn't aid us in reviving the Digital World and defeating Cherubimon, it always would be. Nothing could change what I'd done, but I could still attempt to make what I was destined to do something good. I didn't have him to tell me all I wanted to know, but I'd always have what he already told me.
As you can clearly see, you have the verres of Wind, Earth, Light, Fire, and Thunder. I'd added to my collection of power-filled crystals since we'd spoken of them; now I'd obtained Steel, Water, and Ice. That only left two more: Darkness and Wood. Arbormon would show up again eventually; he wouldn't let us escape as easily as we had back at the Autumn Leaf Fair. Next time he'd be ready for all of our Beast Spirits. I just needed to find a way to get it from him without him realizing what I was doing. But…that still left—
I gasped as I stood straight, my mouth dropping open in fear as I realized something I hadn't thought of: There was one Warrior we hadn't met yet. And he was my most favorite of all Elements: The Legendary Warrior of Darkness. Wait, I relaxed slightly at my thoughts, glad that my own voice still existed in my mind, there might just be another human out there somewhere that can evolve into that Warrior. Maybe it's as simple as having not met him yet. Smiling slightly, I looked back up into the sand-sprinkled sky, feeling a small sense of hope rushing over me. When you were usually surrounded on all sides by creatures that wanted you dead, and thoughts in your head battered you senseless at all other times, even the thought of having someone else that saw things from your side of the story was enough to make you even the littlest bit joyous.
But my happiness wasn't allowed to live for very long; not today. Darkened clouds swarmed the sky like billions of little gnats as thunder rumbled through the air, pounding my ears like drums. Royal purples and navy-tinted blacks swirled in whirlpool-like shapes as heavy winds whistled past my ears, roaring like the monster I'd seen on the train early yesterday morning. Then, slowly sinking from the clinging clouds, she came down, levitating like an angel with black demon eyes. Rowloamon.
I felt a sudden hunger, an undying urge to spirit evolve and use my Human Spirit to destroy Rowloamon for what she'd done to my Ancient Spirit, take her data and her strength as her repentance. But even as I fisted my hand and the blue halo of data enveloped it, I couldn't encourage its twin to do the same. My right hand hung normally at my side, lightly gripping the railing to keep from being blown from the Trailmon. Part of me needed to fight, needed to make Rowloamon suffer, wanted her powers more than anything else in the whole Digital World, but I felt that even deeper, past those feelings, I wanted nothing to do with fighting her. She wasn't a threatening enemy; Cherubimon's minion, yes. But not necessarily an offensive pawn.
A wave of hope passed over me, and I glanced up at the brown bird woman floating high up in the air above me as a flicker of a smile sparked in her eyes, but faded again just as soon as it had come, the sense of optimism leaving me just as swiftly. I continued to stare up at Rowloamon as she did the same to me, neither of us making any effort to do anything about the other's presence.
Stupid human, go and fight her! You will have more power than you could even try to imagine if you destroy her! Invincible is what we will be! Chills shot through my body, starting to feel less and less strange the more times that it happened. And now…her words were so tempting; if I was unbeatable, nothing would stand in the way of rescuing the Digital World from Cherubimon's wrath. And if Rowloamon was out of the way, there would be no way for her to come around one night and murder the Legendary Warriors in their sleep. Now you are thinking like a Sentinel. Go and get her, Toshiku. Make AncientRaiafemon proud.
"By decree of Lord Cherubimon," Rowloamon sounded different than what she had when she'd given me a hint at my future through something I could remember like Koji's face: music. Her voice no longer held any harmony with the howling wind around her, and her features were stony and blank, only loyalty to Cherubimon's lies etched into her iris-lacking eyes now. "I command you to cease your striving and wait, sister of the Dark Master. Your lord grows aggravated with your impatience, and reminds you that the time is approaching faster than anyone could ever guess. His creation lies in wait for your arrival; he senses your nearing existence, and waits with eager tolerance for the instant that you shall reign the dark world to come at his side."
Suddenly, everything slowed way down. My hair blew in the wind as if someone had put everything into slow-motion; the sound of the rapid air was louder and droned like a can opener. Inside me didn't differ much from the surrounding area, but instead seemed to be causing the feeling of dizziness. Confused, pondering flutters were all I could feel, not even the coarse sand was enough to outdo the flits and twitters of wondering, the little tingles like that from the tips of feathers.
The tickling feathers stopped moving about and faded, almost as if whatever that had been understood and reluctantly accepted Rowloamon's words, and had grown silent again. But it was an eerie quiet, one that you would get from a being plotting your demise, just waiting for the right time to leap forward, blood-stained blades gripped tightly, ready to slice you into pieces and add your corpse to the rest in their skeleton-filled closet. I actually would've preferred that the feminine voice hadn't stopped talking. At least then I had an idea of what she was thinking about.
Rowloamon was gone the next time I looked up, and the clouds had returned to their fluffy selves, seeming quite happy to have been able to do so. I wanted to smile back up at the cottony puffs of white, but I couldn't do it. There was no happiness in me; I couldn't find it because I got it from the people around me. And no one was getting any joy from my presence anymore. Not even Koji.
…Koji…That single word, those two syllables were enough to bring me down again. His sadness hadn't left my mind once, but then again, how could it? One downcast shimmer in his eyes were enough to send a thousand bullets through me, shattering bones and draining my blood from my body like a syringe. Those tears were acid to me, burning my skin and melting my heart, but I'd brush them from his face nonetheless. But words…'I don't need you!'...were things that smoldered in my memory for eternities upon eternities, affecting my persona and actions like everything else in the world did to anyone. However, I would never be able to erase the words Koji had said to me yesterday. Never could I forget them.
Because even if he hadn't wholeheartedly meant them, I knew they were true.
If I were meant to be with Koji, then we wouldn't be having so many doubts about one another. I wouldn't be fretting about how Zoe kept getting after him, and how JP had told me that they'd been talking more and more lately when I wasn't around. If destiny had gotten things right for sure, then I'd be feeling nothing but undying affection and admiration for Koji, like I had the first few weeks that I'd known him. But as time went on, Zoe'd gotten bolder, and I'd started thinking. Now I didn't even know who to trust.
I watched with a quiet mind and mouth as we pulled up to the station, the wheels squeaking and creaking as we jerked to a stop. Sand was still billowing around in the wind like snow, spraying up into my eyes every time I opened them. But I forced myself with a slight reluctance to suffer through the annoying stings and just follow the rest of the group into the town. I didn't know where we were, but I could smell the tempting bouquet of sizzling meat and spices. Couldn't help but want to meet more than just the savory smell though.
Jumping off the small platform, I could see the other Warriors already heading into the small town, one of them standing motionless only a few yards away: Koji, standing there with a blank expression as he waited for me to come. His blue eyes still glowed with a hidden misery at seeing me, and I felt despondent knowing that I was the reason for his glumness again today.
Out of the blue, Koji held out a hand to me, the melancholy only fading slightly from his ocean-restraining eyes, but I had to choke down a lump in my throat despite it. Koji still had hopes for the two of us; his want for us to stay together had been shaken by yesterday's fight, but not broken. He was still ready and willing to try to work through anything that anyone threw our way.
Trying to remind myself to breathe, I took a few hesitant steps towards the ravenette, feeling completely certain that I was going to screw something up, I just wasn't quite sure what yet. It felt plain inevitable. But by the time I was standing next to Koji, nothing had gone wrong yet, and I decided to get something out that should've been said every day since the first day we met, "…Koji…I…I'm really sorry…I…" I didn't get to finish even if I had known how; the Warrior of Light put his fingers to my lips, rendering any words after that completely inaudible.
"I'm sorry," Koji's gaze locked with mine, the glow in the brightness of his irises telling me that he meant what he said, not that I had any doubt that he would make it up. I knew that Koji Minamoto wasn't the type to go about getting all fluffy if he didn't mean it. "I shouldn't have said that we—that I didn't need you. Because that's a full-faced lie; I know it, and I want you to realize it too. Toshiku," Koji stopped for a minute and made a slightly irritated sound, like he was having troubles thinking of what to say next. But that didn't seem to stop him, it barely even phased him.
He rested his forehead against mine, blushing at his schmaltzy words as he wrapped all of the things he could've and wanted to say into one that would suffice for all of them, "You're everything to me—and I'll say that as many times as it takes to get you to believe it, because I mean it," The bandana-headed boy stole a quick peck from my cheek to support his words before taking my hand in a firm, but tender grip and leading me like a shepherd to a bonkura sheep to follow the others.
I knew his hand was warm, I thought I could feel it, but my skin wasn't comprehending it, my nerves weren't sending the signals all the way to my brain like they used to. All there was to his touch was pressure, no feeling that I could sense anymore. But what does that mean? Is this what it feels like when there's just nothing left to feel anymore? Could this be what Rowloamon meant when she said that my future was going to be like a song? What if it's all about a lost love or something? Hoping I was wrong, I squeezed Koji's hand back tightly, pleading desperately with myself to feel something. Anything that would tell me I was wrong.
My heart wasn't racing like it normally did whenever Koji did something all fluff-oriented like this, it wasn't ready to jump right out of me and explode into a million pieces in hopes that one of those shards would land close enough to Koji so that he'd have something to remind him that he would always have my heart. A burning blush wasn't crossing my face like a deer sprinting across a highway; I wasn't turning red at all. I didn't feel anything.
Do you understand now, Toshiku? You can't outrun your fate; you will suffer. One way, or another. And to be brutally honest, I can't decide which path I enjoy watching more. Everything felt heavy in a matter of seconds; I dropped to my knees, intense pain racking my skull with every breath I took in. I pressed my palms up against my ears, trying to block out that same mystery voice, her tone was all that it took to freeze me, the only things I could feel now. The cold and the darkness. They refused to leave me to live my life without any hints to my future that screwed my patterns up.
Almost like she remembered something that had been forgotten only moments ago, the thickness around and inside me lessened slightly, leaving me with only a dull throbbing in my head. Glancing upwards, I saw Koji on one knee before me, a hand on my shoulder and his eyes filled with bewilderment and concern. Most times if I'd given him a little scare like that, I'd smile and say everything was alright, but now…it seemed wrong to even think of telling him what was going on, how I felt. Anything really.
Getting to my feet fortunately wasn't another world war, but ignoring Koji's caring gaze was like going up against an army of Gigasmon alone. Doing something like that was practically a crime against nature, like sticking your hand into the center of a fire and grabbing onto a charring piece of wood just because you wanted to know just what it felt like to burn along with it. I let my skin fall prey to the flames.
Walking away from him, I was sure that I could hear his puzzlement, sense the buzzing of thoughts rushing round and round in his head. None of them were completely right though; he thought something about yesterday was still bothering me, something he'd said or done to make me act so distant. He was only half-right though, I just wasn't sure if that was a good thing yet.
Koji caught back up to me in a surprising amount of time, but didn't say anything. Even his thoughts were reasonably quiet, though that wasn't hard to understand. He, of all people, would've been able to remember that Raveamon's abilities allowed me to read their minds without them even realizing it (Given the fact that I was utterly silent when I did so my presence wasn't detected). Even if he was thinking loud enough for me to hear, I wouldn't have tried to listen in anyway. I didn't want him knowing how I felt right now, or for the rest of forever. If he knew, if any of them knew, I wouldn't get one moment away from them. Solitude was the only place that there wasn't any hurt now.
We reached the others in a matter of minutes, walking down a dirt road that went straight through the small town, little shops and restaurant-similar buildings on both sides of it. The place sort of reminded me of one of those outlet malls, except for the creamy white Digimon with sesame seed buns on their heads running all over the place saying stuff about a gang of reptile Digimon. Only one, with a bunch of little floating brown things levitating in a semi-circle around her, caught my eye though. Apparently the feminine-ish Digimon snatched Zoe's attention as well.
"What's up with them?" Takuya asked no one in particular as the sand finally stopped billowing around us, allowing us to see clearly again. The only problem with that was now I could tell just how upset Koji was, and exactly how much he was trying to keep hidden from me and the rest of the group. Instead of feeling bad about making him feel like that, a slight spark of anger flickered on in me. If he's going to hide feelings from me, so will I.
Zoe ran up to the group of Digimon, butting into their lives and problems like what was easy to expect from her. It wasn't hard to picture her being the kind of person to go around asking everyone about their troubles, always supposing that they would tell her exactly what was wrong with them and ask her to help. "Excuse me, are you alright?"
"Oh no, dear, a giant Digimon raided our village!" The pale, bug-eyed Digimon told her with sadness in her voice and tears in her eyes. I wished she could've given a better description of that Digimon; I just wanted to kick the kuso out of something right now, and the Legendary Warriors were obviously off-limits. "He said something about the three moons making him hungry—" Sounds like my kind of guy. "—so my husband gave him a big plate of our best burgers."
"Now I'm hungry." Takuya stated nonchalantly, taking no notice of the fact that the woman-Digimon before all of us was clearly upset about something. I was sorely tempted to chew him out for it and tell him to have better manners, but I remained silent and stared at the Digimon instead, one single thought crossing my mind: What did data taste like anyway? I'd heard a few of the evil Warriors talk about it before…
I snapped out of the self-induced little trance with shock at my own sick thoughts; knowing what data was like meant killing a Digimon. Murdering tore the soul into pieces; the more you were to slay, the less and less human you became until finally you were nothing more than a beast. A machine solely purposed for demolishing the innocent and smothering the weak. Welcome to the master plan. …Chikushou voice…
The depressed Tommy-height Digimon continued to explain her predicamid, even though I had my own and would rather sort them out. But it wasn't like I could just up and say that, even if I wanted to. "He liked them so much that he took my husband away to cook for him in his mansion." She could've just said that her husband had been kidnapped by some evil Digimon rokudenashi and ask for some assistance. I mean, is that really so kusoimaimashii hard?
"You could've just said that," I grumbled brusquely, reverting slightly back to the way that I'd been before getting the message from Ophanimon. The few words she'd said to me had given me a new sense of hope for my life, like maybe I could turn it around and make it better again, find happiness again. Not be so alone. But it looked like that was just a foolish dream now. "It would've wasted a lot less kusoimaimashii time."
"Wow…" Tommy mumbled, seeming amazed at something that was apparently quite astounding. I had a certain feeling that he was breathing that word about my reaction, and choice of language. I wasn't surprised by the dirty look I got from Zoe for it, even Koji cast a glance at me. But I just glowered at him, an expression reading clearly, 'Dono yo na seiko are you looking at, Minamoto?'.
Koji blinked with confusion at my raging temper, having been provoked by absolutely nothing, but his thoughts were simple to guess. He wanted to know what was up with me, but knew that it would only get me even more riled up if he asked, and then we would both just be even closer to strangling each other. I could tell that Koji would need a lot of prodding to do that though; I was already pretty close to wanting to go up and smack someone, so it wouldn't be too hard for Dorothy over there to piss me off even more.
The little brown floating stress balls hovered by the other Digimon, who could be easily identified as their mother, and one of them squeaked sadly, being followed by the others in synchronized whining, "Daddy is coming back, isn't he Mama? Isn't he Mama?" If he does, will you seiko o shattodaun? 'Cause I'd enjoy that.
Standing up, the potato-shaded woman addressed Takuya, his voicing of his grumbling stomach apparently making him qualified to be the leader of the group, and thus the person to go to when you needed an MIA search. "Please, young man, would you and your friends be able to help me find my husband?" Seiko, I'm in that group. Shimatta.
"I suppose," Takuya said unsurely, immediately taking on the responsibility of having to find the other Digimon. If there was one thing I wouldn't be able to understand about him was his uncanny ability to never think things through and actually ponder the consequences of what his actions might cause. Not that it really mattered what happened; there wasn't much you could do about it except fight it with all the power you had until you finally just couldn't stand anymore and gave up. It was as simple as bleeding. "But I wouldn't even know where to begin looking for him."
One of the little brown softball-sized Digimon floated over to Takuya, getting close enough to me that I felt the urge to swat at it. I probably would've if I hadn't had a sliver of self-control left; my patience for anything, even myself, was starting to wear thin. And I just couldn't understand it; that made me even angrier. "The monster will bring Daddy back if we make a beggar burger." The small creature told him, unable to annunciate each word correctly, making it seem like he was making no sense at all. Or he had no idea what he was even talking about in the first place.
"He means a 'better' burger—" I think we all could've kusoimaimashii assumed that. Okay, maybe one or two or us wouldn't have been able to, but who the seiko cares? "—but I'm afraid that's impossible," Mrs. My-husban-is-lost-and-I-should-be-looking-for-him-but-I'm-not-and-instead-I'm-asking-complete-strangers-for-help suddenly turned from her slightly positive thinking and became solemn again. Chikushou, this subeta needs to make up her kusoimaimashii mind. "My husband makes the best burgers around. There's no way anyone can make a better hamburger than my husband. Oh, dear, what are we going to do?" Her voice shivered and trembled as if ill, the tone of her sounds full of self-pity and fright for the well-being of her husband. I couldn't help but feel that her worry for him was useless; it was obvious that if it was a foe of any kind of threat his life would have already been ended due to his uselessness. No matter how much power you gave anything, it would never be enough to make it matter.
Never. Now, you finally have begun to see the whole picture, Toshiku. I knew it wouldn't be as hard to make you see as those moronic Warriors made it seem. They just did not realize how a mind like yours works. When you push on glass, it's bound to break, and you've begun to crack like an egg.
Whoever that had been in my dream was right: Power was everything. The only thing. My Lord has more to offer you than you would at first have believed at his commands; you didn't understand his anxiety and extreme aggravation. But now he has collected himself and is ready to try again. The question is are you worthy of his troubles?
I didn't care about what Seraphimon said. He didn't know everything, he didn't have the knowledge to tell me what I had wanted to know unless he had lied. It was obvious that he hadn't known what he was talking about; if he had, he wouldn't have gotten himself turned into a DigiEgg because of one of my mistakes. He would've let me suffer my self-inflicted pain and destruction. You learn quickly when you do not have purposeless flaws and bothers, miseries and troubles, hanging over your head and weighing down your shoulders like a beast of burden. That rokudenashi Seraphimon had no knowledge of your pain; there was nothing he could tell you that would prepare you for anything that you were to suffer through. But Master pitied you, he observed your soul for flaws and sent me to fix them.
The Legendary Warriors didn't need a Sentinel here to help them along; what the hell was I here for if that was really true? I was reasonless to them; I had no purpose with them, or even in this world. I knew I was right, there was no doubt in my mind about that. So, why was I even here? I see you will have questions no matter what I tell you, or what end of the line you end up clinging for life to. I suppose I cannot blame you though; I can't say I would be without misunderstanding. But I know where to find the solutions to all of your predicamids, and drugs to cure all of that which plagues your mind. In the dark. That is where you will find comfort. Consolation. Healing.
Destiny had always felt closest to me whenever I couldn't feel anything but the ice surging around my burning heart. I had felt fate dig its claws into me whenever I had dug mine into another living being, feeling the warmth of their liquefied-life rushing past my cells. I'd never felt more alive then when I was dead to the warmth of those around me. The flickering light in your heart is growing weary of its dark domain, and wishes to go on to a brighter, more joyous place. Why hold him back from happiness—
"Toshiku? Hey, Tosh—not this again," Koji muttered as he shook my shoulder, saying my name a few times as he did. There was a slight hint of worry to his vocals, but it was disguised by his knowing that this kind of thing happened almost every five minutes. Even though he had absolutely no idea that nearly every time I blanked out of the Digital World, I was buried in my own dark thoughts. I glanced over at him with an irritated air to my glare, asking without a sound other than a light growl what his purpose for intruding in on my pondering was. "Could you try to pay at least a little attention to what's going on around you, Toshiku?" It was easy to tell that there was much more that Koji wanted to say, but he didn't continue any further than that.
I stared at the black-haired-boy, his cerulean eyes locking with mine in a tense gaze that would've been impossible to be broken even by a stainless steel, double-edged sword swung by one of the Ancient Warriors themselves. But there was no rage or threatening energy in either of our glances, only concern for the other's well-being and mental status, and the occasional spark of affection to earn the other smile. However, despite all Koji's attempts to get a grin out of me, I couldn't get any farther than coming back into a reality that wasn't aggravating me. At least not as much as it could've been.
Forcing a small, but hopefully convincing smile onto my lips, I did the only thing I could muster that could be considered words right about now: Sing. " Feel your every heartbeat, feel you on these empty nights. Calm the ache, stop the shakes. You clear my mind. You're my escape from this messed up place 'cause you let me forget. You numb my pain.
" How can I tell you just all that you are? What you do to me…
" You're better than drugs. Your love is like wine. Feel you coming on so fast, feel you coming to get me high. You're better than drugs. Addicted for life. Feel you coming on so fast, feel you coming on to get me high!
" Feel you when I'm restless, feel you when I cannot cope. You're my addiction, my prescription, my antidote. You kill the poison, ease the suffering. Calm the rage when I'm afraid to feel again.
" How can I tell you just all that you are? What you do to me…
" You're better than drugs. Your love is like wine. Feel you coming on so fast, feel you coming to get me high. You're better than drugs. Addicted for life. Feel you coming on so fast, feel you coming on to get me high!
" How can I tell you just all that you are? What you do to me…
" Feel your every heartbeat, feel you on these empty nights…" *stops to think for a second but continues* "You're the strength of my life…
" You're better than drugs. Your love is like wine. Feel you coming on so fast, feel you coming to get me high. You're better than drugs. Addicted for life. Feel you coming on so fast, feel you coming on to get me high!
" Feel your every heartbeat, feel you on these empty nights…Feel you coming on so fast, feel you coming to get me high…Feel your every heartbeat, feel you come to get me high…Feel you coming on so fast, feel you coming on to get me high. To get me high! " I ended just as quietly as I had begun, not even being loud enough to attract the attention of the four cooks and nine Digimon. Continuing to attempt to smile at a slightly puzzled Koji, I hesitantly reached over to him, unsure if I even knew what I was doing, but feeling that it was right nonetheless. My palm made contact with Koji's face first, the touch lighter than that of a feather as I held his head in my hand, gently stroking his blushing cheek with my thumb as I told him quietly, "I only feel one heartbeat right now; I think that it's yours, because you are my purpose for staying here, Jiku. Why I'm currently alive. And I swear on my brother's heart that I will stay until you beg me to leave. That's as far as I can make myself go. After that moment…"
I paused, my heart sensing that it was about to shatter into billions of splinter-sized pieces if I told Koji that if the time ever did come, like that voice said that it would, that he wanted me gone, out of his life forever…that I would leave with barely a second thought about it. There had to be someone better than me for Koji, it was an obvious fact. Who knew? Maybe they were even here in the Digital World with us.
Gaining a slight bit of courage from a source I still couldn't name, I finished my sentence with a small croak erupting from my throat, my emotions starting to drip like a leaking faucet back into my reach, though I could feel deep down that it was only because that entity was allowing it to, "After that moment, I promise I'll let you go. But there's only one thing that no one can make me do no matter what they decide to try…and that's forget you, and the way I'll always feel about you. I want you to remember that Koji, above everything I'll ever say to you, that's the only thing I want to come to your mind whenever you picture my face. Can you do that?" My tone had grown so hushed it was barely an audible whisper anymore, I could hear and feel a heartbeat pounding away like rapid fire, but I wasn't sure whose it actually was. Something told me that it was Koji's.
The slightly younger boy gazed at me for a long while without a peep, his eyes shimmering with mixed emotions at the song and my words. He realized what I meant by choosing to sing that particular song, but clearly wasn't sure what to think of another source of darkness existing inside me quite yet. Not that that was very surprising. Even Koji wasn't experienced enough in the Digital World to know everything that a Digimon could do when dealing with either another Digimon or a human. I doubted that even Bokomon really knew; however, I didn't plan on mentioning this particular subject any other time soon or in the far future anyway.
After a long, silent while, the ponytail-ed ravenette's eyes cleared of the confusion and was left with only a partially hidden misery at the thought I'd put in his head, and a minute embarrassment at everything else I'd brought into the light of his presence. He nodded slightly, his voice louder than mine, but still airy and shushed, "Something tells me we won't have to worry about that time coming, Toto. I don't plan on telling you to go any time soon. An ice cream truck riding a teal lightning bolt would strike me dead before I got rid of you," A tiny grin crossed his bright red face, slightly nuzzling into the warmth of my hand as he continued to gaze at me, his sea-storm-blue eyes sparkling contentedly.
Now would be about the time that happiness crashed over me like an unexpected thunderstorm during a night late in the month of June, the lighting making its grand appearance everywhere in the sky like Hollywood lights as the thunder cheered with glee for its friend-since-the-beginning-of-time-itself. But I felt nothing, I could barely even sense the warmth from Koji's heated face. It was possible that my nerves had been shot and were still healing after Mukademon's tricks, but it felt like it had been too long since then for it to be a logical answer. However, I didn't need to think about it to know that now wasn't the time to be thinking. It was about time I gave Koji more than words.
I felt miserable and deceitful that I had to force out every action that involved showing any emotion other than anger and depression, but I did anyway to keep any of the others from realizing that something was terribly wrong and I needed more than just answers now. Koji couldn't keep the darkness inside of me at bay for that long; the façade his existence created in my life was cracking so much you could barely tell that it was there in my soul anymore. It was just a pile of rubble in the way of monsters now.
Moving the few steps that separated us, I wrapped an arm around his waist and drew him close to me, keeping one hand in its place to caress his smooth cheek. Taking in the sight of the innocently reddening Light Warrior that I dared call mine for a moment, I pressed our lips together, the kiss fervent and spirited like it would be the last seal of affection we'd ever give each other. Despite Koji's quite convincing words, the voice still had a point. Something could happen, and my Light could change his mind. But for now, all that mattered was preventing that from ever happening.
After he got over the shock of my unexpected kiss, the raven-head relaxed into my suddenly energetic actions, and wrapped his arms around my neck, burying his fingers in my unruly hair as he returned the fervent compassion with just as much of a punch. My whole body felt numb; I could feel Koji's heat beginning to penetrate the ice that was pressing up against my skin, giving me shivers and freezing me to the core. I wanted to feel warm again; I didn't care if I needed oxygen to live, I couldn't stand the cold anymore. I didn't want to freeze in a world as cold as the one I used to know. The one without my friends.
"So, Squirt, when do you think they'll notice that we've been…'watching the nature channel'?" …Oh, seiko. And I was just about to feel like a werewolf again. Why does that bonkura chocoholic have to stare every single time I try to have some quality time with Puppy?
"Don't know. But I'm straight as a pretzel..." …For a little kid, he's got some serious issues dealing with 'the talk' to work out. If he's even had 'the talk' dealing with the nature channel yet. His parents are probably going to wait to give it to him until the night before his wedding.
I broke the kiss, earning a groan of disapproval from Jiku, and glanced over in the basic direction that the two had spoken from. Koji followed suit after taking a mental note that I wouldn't breathe without standing right next to him if he was willing to be cute and cuddly unless something was wrong. The sight just a few feet away from us nearly had Koji in the emergency room with a heart attack like the last time something similar to this had happened: JP and Tommy's faces pressed up against the window, staring. And by their turned-on expressions, they'd seen the whole chikushou thing.
Growling in embarrassed anger at the two of them, I left Koji's heated embrace and jumped up to the window, slamming both of my fists against their pressed-up faces with a pleased smirk as they both fell backwards. Cupping my hands then to my mouth and leaning close to the window, I shouted, but only loud enough to get the sound through the glass, "Muko, perverts!" JP covered his mouth as if he were horrified at my language, but Tommy seemed perfectly used to it. He was still more concerned with the fact that I'd gotten to make-out with Koji and the closest he'd ever come to that was when…hm, apparently he didn't get that many chances. Oh, that's probably why he's pissed as hell.
I gave my head a toss as I let out a small scoff at Tommy's reaction to something that we'd been able to keep hidden skillfully until only a day or so ago. Though the failed secret didn't bother me as much as it could've; it wasn't like JP or Tommy were going to be much of a threat. Takuya wouldn't accept that I didn't plan on choosing him any time soon until the day that one of us died, it was still a fight to the finish in his mind. But Zoe…Now there's a challenge in need of elimination.
Sensing that I was nearing a rage again, Koji came up to me, and setting a gentle hand on my shoulder, smiled at me as he suggested, "Why don't we go inside with everyone else and get cooking? I've never cooked before, but I've always gotten the notion that you're a natural by the way you eat." He grinned at his own clever words before pushing a hesitant me into the grilled-meat-smelling building, the delicious bouquet making my mouth water despite my will to fight. But Koji was trying to be as cute and inconspicuous as he could, and even the littlest bit that he was being was enough to calm be substantially.
My body held back a smile for me when I heard Neemon's always cheerful and Ke$ha-resounding voice splitting through the scent-drenched air, "All of this food is making me drool!" I wanted to agree with him outloud, but my voice disobeyed my commands like my expressions, leaving me with blankness and silence. This feels just like old times; nothings changed about me. I knew it wasn't possible for someone to change. I knew it had to be too good to be true.
"Don't be like that, Toshiku. You can't stay mad forever; I know you too well, there's no way you can. We'll find a way. We always do, so take it easy and relax a bit." Koji's sweet, wonderful voice broke through the angered fog in my thoughts, but the weather didn't clear, only held back its strike for the moment, waiting for the perfect time to strike again, the lightning setting fire to the green life of all my happy thoughts.
Leaving Koji's warm remembrance of feelings, I tugged on a simple white apron with a few pockets about at the hips; I couldn't keep my mind from wandering slightly and wondering why the hell there were aprons fit perfectly for people here in the Digital World where apparently few to no people ever were. Ignoring the fact that it barely mattered and wasn't worth pondering over, I wondered about it as I tied the strings of the apron behind my back. But I was pulled sharply back out of my apron-fascination by a very high-pitched squeaking sound and a pleased humming following it almost immediately.
I turned with a small, 'Huh?' noise at the disturbance of my finishing tying a knot, and watched with amazement and slight confusion as Koji repeatedly whacked an extremely happy Tommy with a metal cooking utensil, his face red with most likely anger and embarrassment as Tommy squealed with gay joy, "You've got a really pretty tushie!" I couldn't help but agree with him there: Koji did have a very nice oshiri. But that didn't mean the poor guy wanted gay 8 year-olds coming up and touching him.
That didn't seem to matter to Tommy whatsoever.
He just kept on talking to the little flying bun-like Digimon while chopping up an onion with a knife much too big for the task he was attempting to complete without injury. Not that I was one to talk, since I was using the same kind of knife to slice a small onion into small rectangular pieces. I could barely remember a recipe that my mother had made often; my memories before I'd come to the Digital World were starting to grow blurry and blotted like the beginnings of blindness, almost as if something were taking an eraser to the scenes of my life, or cutting out parts of my existence that to them seemed unfit. But I knew I had to be screwing with myself, there was no way in hell that that would, or even could happen. And even if it was, Wereraiomon would've spoken up about it by now. She would've found the problem and solved the puzzle, found a solution to all of the problems with my mind. 'Trust in your Spirits. They'll help you.' I can't count how many times I've heard that line before…but what other choices do I even have?
Scraping the chopped onion into a small pan along with a few tablespoons of butter, I returned to one of the multiple sinks with a couple of potatoes, about seven to be exact, and continued on to wash and peel each of them before slicing each into four chunks and dropping them into a pot of boiling water. I could hardly recall how long they were supposed to be in there, or even how long I was to wait before removing the onions from the heat, but I figured I'd smell the time before I knew it, so I moved from my own 'station' and meandered among the others to kill the time. I hope Zoe burns herself. Or better yet, gets her finger caught in that blender over there.
I paused for a moment at Takuya's little corner of the giant kitchen, noticing as he set a tray piled high with all kind of meats down near the edge of the counter, out of the way of his cooking. Noticing me leaning against the opposite side of the counter, and a confident smirk formed on his lips as he rested his crossed arms against his end of the waist-high platform and said in a sultry, fake-deep voice, "Well, well. Look what the Big, Bad Werewolf dragged in. Is it just me, or is it warm in here?"
"Yeah," I replied with a short nod of my head, leaning towards him for the hell of psyching him out before grabbing a chunk of raw meat and slapping him across the face with it. As soon as he got over the fact that I'd just whacked him with a slab of meat, I tossed what hadn't fallen onto the floor at him before getting back up and moving on to the next little station of the kitchen. "But I think it's just the ovens, there are a lot of them in here. Besides, you are the Warrior of Flame. Keep dreaming 'bout your big, bad wolfie, sweetheart. Oh, and try anything like that on me again, and you'd better be running for your life by the time I turn around." …I think that was the first time I've ever used that phrase before. At least I can tell that the voice is taking a breather for the time being.
Oh, am I? Or am I just letting you have a bit of fun while you still have the choice? Think about it, Toshiku. If I'm strong enough to keep hidden from your little Beastie, what chance do you think you or anyone else really has against me? Oh, but don't think too hard, little girl; when the times comes, you won't even need more than 5 seconds to figure that jigsaw puzzle out.
…Well, shimatta! Dono yo na seiko is with this kusoimaimashii subeta? Can't she make up her kusoimaimashii mind and just stay or go? Despite the deafening shouting in my head—for once it was me—I could still tell that the entity had made her choice, and I dreaded the fact that I'd literally been stupid enough to give her an option. Stay, or leave. Going by the freezing feeling that had begun to spread through my veins, filling my pores and giving me goosebumps, it was clear that the presence that made me shudder and shake had decided to permanently remain rooted in my head, playing with the delicate fibers of my mind and listening to my conversations with everyone. Even eavesdropping on my thought processes.
"Oh, I will! And you can take that to the bank, Ku!" The subtle Flame Fighter shouted across the room, a pleased little grin at his own brilliance settling contentedly onto the brunette's lips. Despite the opening he left for me to mock him further, I remained silenced as I shuffled over to Bokomon and Neemon. I remained silent as I stood by them, the duo glancing up at me before exchanging glances of concern as if I wasn't even there.
I glared down at the two Digimon with a light snarl, feeling anger towards them for a reason that my conscious mind couldn't comprehend. Eventually the bubbling sensations boiling in my stomach sent their chemical reactions up into my brain like always, and I growled snappishly, "Dono yo na seiko are you staring at me for?" My sudden outburst earned me bewildered expressions from JP, Tommy, and Zoe, only enraging me further. "Well?"
"Is…is something bothering you, Toshi?" JP inquired with a notable caution, as if he were preparing himself for anything that could possibly happen next. He was clearly expecting me to suddenly dark-digivolve into something and try to tear the stuffing out of everything and everyone there as if I couldn't control anything that I did. I hate that question. I hate that name. And I hate them. Kamisama, I really wanna kick the kuso out of something right about now.
"Yeah," Tommy agreed thoughtfully with a small bob of his head, his orange mushroom hat falling down slightly. His eyes were filled with concern for my current state of sentiment, thinking that it was strange for me to be so full of rage, and my temper becoming shorter than the wick of a candle. "You're usually not so—"
"No matter what you guys say, she's not gonna talk, you know. She always does exactly what she wants to do, so why waste your breath trying to get her open up and talk to you?" I cast a loathing glower over to the blonde, who didn't even look up at me as she spoke. I couldn't help but notice that she knew the darker side of me even better than I did. …Is…Is it because…she knows what's inside my head? "We should just let her be alone like what's best, at least until she calms down and is actually ready to be a civilized person again." So much for that kuso.
I snarled with a deep hatred at the blonde Wind-Warrior, but I felt enough self-control not to go up and pulverize her into the dressing she was making due to my raging soul. It was so hard to read, the sudden loathing sensation towards everything around me, including myself, it was as unexpected as an icy blizzard in the middle of June. It felt just like that inside me; my heart was supposed to be warm and beating rapidly like always, but it was so slow I could've passed as half-dead, and my lifeline to cold I could've felt the ice by putting a hand to my chest. It felt real, like all the thoughts I used to understand these pains were actually occurring, but that was impossible. Yeah, yeah. I know, Wereraiomon. But this time I know I'm right.
The heat of my anger slowly subsided as I thought about what I was really doing, what I wasn't going to be accomplishing through tearing Zoe into tiny pieces and burning them. I know what this is; I'm moodier than normal because I caught some kind of virus from a Digimon, or maybe something I ate. That's gotta be it, it's the only other explanation I have. And that voice is just some kind of hallucination due to the warmth of my anger affecting some kind of fever or something. That's all that this is, I've just gotta hold on until it's all over.
I shoved my hands in my pockets, feeling my D-Tector clink against my leg almost defiantly at the sudden change of position. I turned from the three of them and walked back over to my little cooking corner, everyone in the room watching silently now, waiting with anxious eagerness to witness what someone might choose to do next. I yanked off the apron, and shot a glance at Neemon that clearly said, 'Watch the onions and potatoes. You're responsible for them, for now.' I averted my gaze from the yellow rabbit to Koji and Takuya's general direction before moving towards the back door. "I'm going out for some air. Something isn't…right. I can just barely feel that; I need to check it out. Don't wait up." Without waiting for any kind of reply, I opened the rectangular entrance and walked out into the dim night without another word.
I wandered around in the sandy town, completely unaware of where I was going but knowing that I couldn't go back to the Warriors quite yet; I could still feel the lava bubbling within me, just waiting for the moment to spurt out of my throat like a crack in the tectonic plates and obliterate anything and everything in its path. I felt like I was in one of those horror movies where the main character had some kind of split personality they didn't know about, and it was acting through them without the other persona even realizing it until it was too late to regain control or do anything about it. But all of that was just plot stuff for movies and a couple of books, kinda like what Stephen King might write about. Not real life. Even if I'm in the Digital World, a lot of the same rules apply. Multiple Personality Disorders still go by their own guidelines, even here. There's no way that could be what all this is about. I'm probably right about getting sick.
After a while, I couldn't force myself to walk any farther, and collapsed into a sitting position next to a decent-sized boulder, about the size of the one that had kicked the tar out of me—actually, that I'd used to beat the crap out of myself—back when Garu had been rendered back to his data form, and his essence had floated up into the sky like a falling star that didn't know which way was down. I shifted my position to rest up against the rock, and gazed up blankly at the moonlit, star-shadowed sky above me.
Back in the regular world I'd always felt like all the astronomy stuff was something more than what all the teachers made it out to be. Like there was something behind all of it, just waiting for someone brave enough, stupid enough, to truly ponder the questions that had plagued all humans, no matter who they were: Are there other worlds out there? Do other creatures exist on other planets besides Earth? Is there more life that we don't know about yet? Now, somebody had the answers to them, though no one was going to learn of them. The Dark enjoyed its company, but there was a chance that some may not be willing to follow it, and that would only make for more troubles in the plan. Flaws were unacceptable.
I shook my head vigorously after that last thought, leaning back up slightly as not to scrape my head against the hard surface of the stone. Did I really think that? But…I don't think that…do I? I've never been that cold, have I? I can't remember anymore…Everything's so fuzzy… Sighing quietly through my nose, I stared longingly up at the abyss of blackness, lit only by the three hued moons and the trillions of stars that were visible, each and every one of them it seemed. I felt like I was missing out on something that was important for someone like me to have, something special that I needed only the midnight sky could give me. I only wished I knew what that 'something' was.
Despite the beauty of the serene sight before me, I closed my heavy-lidded eyes, feeling a sudden rush of comfort race through me as I did so. I hadn't gotten any semi-decent sleep since the voice had shown its ugly…sound in my head, the vocals of its resonating sound being enough to send me blood-curdling nightmares that I nearly woke up screaming to. The lone reason I didn't was to make sure that no one else was awakened by it, only to question why I'd cried out in the first place. But here, there was no one but me and the boulder. I could be as loud as I wanted to, and it would all be over by the time anyone knew. Sleep was inevitable.
I gasped under the pressure of her foot crushing down on my chest, my ribs threatening to shatter and pierce my delicate heart and lungs. Her cold stare glared down at me from above, ruby-red eyes smoldering with such loathing, I didn't understand what I'd done to earn that hatred. "You can't take away my strength—it isn't yours to take." I choked out, struggling to shove her away from me, achieving nothing but more force being applied.
"Heh," She scoffed with a distorted grin, her face, once a masterpiece in my eyes, but now a symbol of the tainted dark, twisted in her malice. I could hardly believe that this being had a part of me, and I a portion of her. "I've told you, Toshiku. We are one, and always shall be. You are no longer needed; all you're good for now is a bit of extra data to get me through the days of homicide. All will die, or fall under the reign of the darkness. And it's all thanks to you, Toshiku Yumari."
All that power I'd felt only seconds ago faded into nothingness at her words. I would be the cause for millions of deaths all over the two worlds; it was inevitable. Sorrow struck me like a two-ton behemoth, crushing what was left of my soul, all that the Angel of Darkness hadn't already stolen from me. The worst part was knowing that without a Spirit, I didn't stand a chance at stopping what she planned to do. And there was no doubt in my mind about my friends: They wouldn't come if I called for them; they wouldn't even turn their heads towards the sound of my cry.
I was alone.
I tried to regain my composure; I couldn't just fall apart before her like a snowman crumbled underneath the heat of the midday sun. I had to keep trying, I had to search for the strength within myself to defeat this opponent. I just had to."…I-I…I'll find a way to stop you—"
"How are you going to do that, hm? With your Beast gone, you have nothing. Correct me if wrong, but I don't see any way for you to be of any threat to my cause whatsoever. The Light despises you, has tried to destroy you. Why fight for it anymore?" Removing the force from my torso, she crouched beside me, a taloned hand reaching down towards my face. A sudden charge of despair and pain rushed through my body at her touch, but it wasn't mine.
It was the hurt of others. It made me feel whole.
"Now, you see, Toshiku," She spoke with such heartlessness, like she was aching to destroy me, but it was her duty to recruit every creature she came across. If refusal was their answer, then annihilation was allowed to be a factor. "You will be at your most deadly stage; Lord Cherubimon refers to it as your evolution form. There would be nothing you could not do, no one you would be unable to destroy. Why bother with being a weak, pathetic human, when you could become the most powerful being under Lord Lucemon's hand? Release your hold on the last of your sanity, and lose everything to gain the world…Will you serve?" Her talons dug into my forehead and temples, blood beginning to run down my face in five lines that curled and twisted around my features, contorted in the sting, and the malevolence, and the memories I'd always thought had meant something but truly never had.
The pain of the other beings made mine feel as if it were lessening somehow, leaving me to haunt another. Joy and happiness bubbled up in my soul, tears springing into my eyes at the sensations, but I just couldn't stop myself. I hadn't felt anything as good as this in so long, it was too hard to resist. I had to have more. Death would be found by the weary heart, unless more death was created. I just had to be the one to strike them down first. "I will—"
My eyes snapped open as I shot up like a bullet, gasping and running my hands over my cold, sweat-drenched face, expecting to find that those scrapes were there. But they weren't; it was all just another nightmare. Though…this one had felt even more real than they normally did, like the being that had been too shrouded in black to be able to see had actually come to me in my sleep, and had put her hand to my forehead, but left before I'd woken.
That thought sure as hell got me back to the group pretty fast.
Before I even had time to think everything through a bit more clearly I was back at the door to the burger restaurant. The others are probably still a bit pissed; maybe I should just keep going on to the Rose Morning Star. If they catch up, fine. If they don't…then we're both on our own. But I can't just leave, they're my friends. If they were gonna leave, Tommy would come and tell me, knowing him. I've gotta at least do the same. Sighing deeply through my nose, I moved unsurely through the saloon-similar doors and into the great-smelling kitchen. Which was the very place that I met a sight I never expected to see in my whole life.
"KOJI, CHIPMUNK-SPIRIT-EVOLUTION-MODE, ACTIVATE!" The black-haired-boy screamed at the top of his lungs with a grin equal to Mount Fuji, his D-Tector held high in the air while he stood proudly on one of the counters. The next thing I knew, he'd jumped back onto the floor, and was jumping around on his toes with his arms drawn up close to his body like a squirrel (apparently Koji didn't know the difference when he was acting…psychotic), and was squeaking with each little leap that he took. All I could do was stare at him with my mouth agape, mouthing, 'Nani yo…?' as I observed the obviously happy boy jump around like a lunatic that had watched one too many 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' movies.
I attempted to steer clear of the bouncing boy the best I could as I moved over to Takuya, who was smirking to himself as he continued to cook, either completely oblivious to the fact that his buddy was running around like an idiot, or ignoring it. Despite my slight fear of him still being slightly wary of how I'd acted before, I meandered up to the brunette, and jumping up on the counter just to his side, I questioned him, "Hey…Takuya? Why is—"
"Nyquil, and Red Bull, baby," He chimed with a squeak of his own before I even had the chance to say Koji's name. I couldn't help but wonder how he could be so sure of himself; did he kinda…know these things, or did he guess and just so happen to get half of everything right? But I guess that was a couple of inquires for another day. "I poured the stuff into his puréed squid, and when he ate one he just started bouncing off the walls and it just looks like so much fun that I've been sniffing this air freshener so I can get, like, high off of it or something and join him. You want something?" Takuya held out to fruit-scented block as he spoke; I could see his nose prints on it even from this far away.
I held up a hesitant hand and gave it a gentle push back towards the…interesting boy. "Heheh…uh, no thanks, Taku. I think I'll stick with the potatoes…Holy crap, where the hell is Neemon?" I shouted to both myself and kinda the two morons as I leapt off the counter and looked around madly for the yellow creature that was supposed to be guarding the boiling potatoes and browning onions.
I didn't expect him to come running in with the pot of boiling potatoes in his paws, screaming about how he should've worn oven mitts and how it burned, with Bokomon chasing after him, contemplating whether or not snapping his waistband and calling him a nincompoop was a good idea right about now. I had to admit, I reacted faster than I could think, and my hands were just about ready to up and leave me.
Rushing over to the smoldering rabbit, snatched the hot pan from him, making my hands begin to burn like hell. I sat the pot of potatoes and water on the stove with a loud thump, the boiling water swishing up against the edge and splashing onto my hands. I let out a hiss of pain as I rushed over to the sink and ran cold water over my hands, hearing Neemon say as I did, "He-Hey! We have matching hands now!" When I glanced down to figure out what the hell he was talking about, I noticed when he was reaching up towards me that the both of us had scarlet red, blistering hands from the extreme heat.
I forced a smile onto my mouth as I nodded, agreeing with Neemon's 'statement'; I wanted to laugh and joke about his little quote, but happiness was still too far out of reach for me to do anything but fake it. But it was enough, and Neemon let out a little giggle of his own before going off to bug Bokomon with his blisters, saying over and over again how he was the beginnings of a fire zombie and that Bokomon was going to be his first meal of brains. It was still hard for me to believe that two Digimon that were so different had become such great friends. I wonder if I'll ever meet somebody like that…
"Hiya, Toto!" The notoriously hyper Koji quipped with such cheerfulness it was hard to believe that a bit too much Nyquil and energy drink stuff could do this to a guy. For an example, make a dude talk nonstop for about…I could've sworn it was a half hour. "While you were gone we all made burgers, but Takuya's turned out really bad so then we decided to make a competition out of it, and then the others got sick of paying any attention to it so they went outside to try Tommy's. They smelled really good, but I was afraid to try one just in case he'd drugged 'em, and since they haven't come back for a long time, I think that he did and I'm glad I didn't eat one. Then I made another one with a lot of fruit in it and it was really super colorful, you would've loved it and I know you would've 'cause I can tell just by looking at you that you're the type of person to really like fruit and—"
I pressed a hand over Koji's smiling mouth, even though that only muffled his voice since he kept on talking despite the blockade. I could hear Takuya starting to laugh uncontrollably and figured that it was only a matter of time before I was going to have to be dealing with two of these…things. "I think you need to visit the duct tape doctor, Koji." I mumbled mainly to myself, trying to lessen the headache the thick presence of the voice and Koji's never-ending chatter. I liked to hear his voice, but even pretty sounds had their limits.
Except for one statement.
I removed my hand from Koji's mouth for a split second to rest my arm, and that small moment gave Koji the opportunity to say the very thing that made my freezing heart feel a small warmth again, "I love you, Toshiku! And I'm glad that I met you, and that you got to be all mine forever and ever! There's never been another girl like you in my life before. You love me too, right, Ku?" I let out a small gasp at his words, and shot him a glance so surprised and taken aback that even he looked a bit confused at my amazement. But his words weren't all that surprised me; why he somehow seemed…guilty of something, to me was plaguing my mind, though I really didn't know what to think of it.
I didn't use, or hear, that word very often, let alone coming from Koji. He always tried to steer clear of any emotionally mushy statements or anything of the sort, but was only fluffy because he knew it kept me decently calm and we both enjoyed one another's presence so close to our own. The existence of a similar being was an extraordinary feeling that many people knew of, but had never become aware of until a dire moment had turned its hideous head into sight. Many times it wasn't realized until it was far too late to do anything more about it.
Senses like that were rare and dangerous, but when you fell head-first into them, it was such an intoxicating process, you didn't care or pay attention to the consequences that could occur because of one choice, one misstep. A single wrong move could cause long nights filled with tears and agony, wishes and wonders of things that could've been or how they used to be. I'd gone through days like that, but never more than a few at a time; only thinking about it could bring back the pain. Nothing more, always less. But I could tell by the way this question of his brought about fire within me, if Koji left, the pain would be strong enough to make me suffer until I died, and stay with me in the afterlife, if there really was one.
Koji was my heaven, and my hell. He could kill me if he wanted, and there wasn't anything that could stop him from bringing me to life. Never-melting ice could coat my heart in layers thicker than the Arctic's, but that boy would be able to free my spirit from the frozen prison with a simple touch of his hand, a moment's embrace to save my soul. The bandana-headed warrior could send me spiraling into a depression that no savior could rescue you from with two simple words: Leave me. There was nothing to keep him from torturing me on the inside, casting my sanity from my side until nothing was left but the beast within, begging only for one last taste of his essence. Or death.
"…Yeah," I nodded uncertainly, wondering why this expression of his feelings for me weren't doing hardly anything that I'd thought that heartfelt things like these were supposed to. I didn't feel any warmer than I had when we'd last kissed, I felt the same as when I'd hugged him. There was no heat in me; nothing but the cold. "Sure, Koji. Whatever makes you happy." If happiness is always right outside the door, how do you let it in without frightening it away by the sudden movement of the door? Or is this emptiness just a Yumari thing?
Koji's smile grew immensely at my quiet, unsure words; he gave me an Eskimo kiss, rubbing his nose against mine while giggling quite girlish-ly. Moving back out of my personal space for a slight moment bouncing right back, he chimed with a hyper-ish cheer, "You make me happy, silly! You're funny, you're cuddly, and you're all mine! What else could I possibly want, hm?" I don't know. Maybe a clue of what's going on? That would be pretty kusoimaimashii helpful right about now.
I gave a small shrug as I returned to the onions that Neemon (I actually assumed that it had been Bokomon) had been courteous enough to turn the heat off on and mixed them into the eggs and soured cream that someone had gotten out (I figured that Bokomon had read the recipe somewhere in this place and had just been trying to help out while Neemon burned the kuso out of his paws). "Don't know," From the look that he gave me next, I could tell that he was expecting me to give him an idea. Ter-frickin'-rific. "Uh…a name for your ponytail? Or something…?" Seiko, that sounds dumb, even to me. And obviously to Takuya too.
The brunette erupted with laughter, squeaking and squealing like a little piglet (It was pretty easy to see that his air freshener idea had gone as planned) as he remarked with a snort, "A name? For his hair? HAHA!" Takuya continued to bawl due to his giggles for a while longer before he staggered away and fell flat on his face, only to continue his fit there on the floor among the tray of burger buns that he'd knocked on the floor.
But Koji seemed to ponder it for a while, 'hmm'ing to himself as he thought, his fingers tapping absentmindedly on his chin. After a moment of this position, he broke into a grin, and with a snap of his fingers, chirped, "I know! Jimmy!" He reached back and grabbed his ponytail, dragging it over his shoulder to pet it like an evil genius would a cat. "I'll call him Jimmy!"
Suddenly Takuya jumped to his feet and dashed over to Koji, a hand reaching out towards him with a determined expression. His quick movement startled the…chipmunk-evolved Koji, and he gave a small squeak as he fled from the Warrior of Flame, shouting at the very top of his lungs as he did so, "Jimmy! Hide!" So, this was kinda how I acted when I was sugar-high. Man, I was a bonkura.
"But I wanna pet him!" Takuya whined like he was going to cry if Koji didn't stop and let him play with his hair. Every time he reached out to grab it, Koji was just barely out of his grasp; apparently he was capable of exceeding his normal speed when he was running around a rectangular-ish counter. "I'll cry!" Chikushou mind-reading thing. Of course, that's how I know this kind of kuso.
Koji let out a small 'eeekk!' despite Takuya's threat to start wailing, and snatched up a pear from a tray he'd rushed past, turning to chuck it at his friend when he stopped for a half second. However, Takuya took the fruit to the face in a different way than Koji had planned, and grinned after it fell to the floor with a splat. As a reply, Koji received a raw slab of hamburger meat to his face, the seasoned beef hitting his face with a loud smack.
That kind of behavior went on between them for a while, with me in between the two of them as their little food fight grew into a food war. I learned after at least four blasts of cherries and three meat-bombs to the head that I'd have to duck after every three seconds or so. The two crazed boys had made little forts on each side of the kitchen, and had collected all the food I didn't need for making my potato cakes onto their side of the battlefield. Every now and then I'd get smacked in the head with a radish thrown by Takuya, or an orange thrown by Koji, and the both of them would get their attacks chucked right back at them. The second time that happened, I was pretty sure I'd cracked one of their skulls open, but figured they were okay when I heard the insane laughter start up again.
After what seemed like a whole week of that, the potato cakes I'd been making (I realized a few minutes after they were done that I was supposed to have been making burgers. Kuso.) were finally out of the oven and cooling on the counter, the delicious heat rising up from them making my mouth water, though I felt that if I ate anything I was sure to hurl it right back up. Eating is for the weak. You shall be powerful without it, Toshiku. Listen only to the darkness, it will satisfy all that you require.
The voice was starting to replace any thoughts that I would've otherwise had to myself, each one seeming to grow louder and louder, each clearer than the last. She was coming; I didn't need to be able to hear her to know that. Each day, I grew colder and number, the urge to draw my D-Tector or force the data upon my fists becoming so much more tempting each time I felt the device tapping against my leg. The sound of blood dripping from a rotting corpse was starting to become something I wished to know the true echo of. It was growing into something I wasn't familiar with; however, I continued to convince myself that I was just starting to get sick, it wasn't anything to worry about. My instincts knew that Digimon had incredible immune systems, and I would be able to heal faster as Wereraiomon or Raveamon. That was all this was.
But I couldn't help but fear the unknown, nonetheless. The same couldn't be said for the two hyper morons, who were completely covered from head to toe in fruit, meat, vegetable particles, I could smell a bit of Worcestershire sauce on one of them (I wasn't about to ask), and every other food or food byproduct you could think of. But they looked happy, and I wasn't about to rob them of that feeling by saying how incredibly dumb they looked simply standing beside me, each one of them clinging to one of my arms with one of the potato cakes in their mouths, the two of them attempting to give compliments one the food, but it was muffled and inaudible so it sounded more like they were chipmunks. Walnut, puffy cheeks, and all.
After a few seconds of them holding on to me, a sudden rage flashed through my body and I shoved the two away from me, their heated essences leaving me reluctantly. The sensation was similar to being torn apart from something that has been sewn onto your body, like you were making a shirt or something while attempting to wear it, and you drove the needle into your own skin while stitching it all together. Think of tearing it away, and that was how hard and painful it was to get them away from me. I wanted to feel alive again, but I hated the heat now. Any warmth…it was torture to this coldness now.
Takuya gave me a look that asked, 'Who crapped in your cornflakes?' but he remained silent for another three seconds before beaming again and shouting to Koji, who just so happened to be standing right next to him and smacked him for being so loud as soon as he was through speaking, "Hey, buddy, why don't you and me go ask one of those cute little dudes if they've got leaking water we can use so we don't smell like my friend's room for the rest of the week?"
"Okie do…kie, sounds like a…plan to…me!" Koji exclaimed with fervor after hitting his friend, forgetting half of his words as he began to come up out of his sugar/whatever Takuya gave him induced stupor. It was honestly hard to believe that this person had once been a calculating, clear-headed, warrior of a boy, but with one Red Bull and a bit of Nyquil could be turned into a momentary bonkura. "I like soap," The Warrior of Light grinned as if he were telling someone about his little crush, except for the fact that he'd enforced the reality that he…loved me. Or, at least what he thought was love.
The both of them raced out of the room in search of a few of the burger-Digimon who hadn't even mentioned their names to us once, finally leaving me alone in the quiet to think over many things that had been absent in my thoughts. I had to make sure that I kept to myself the things that were most important, most confusing, etc. All that would do for the others would make them ask more questions than they already did, and having to think of answers to all of those inquires would only irritate me and cost me more of the patience that I didn't have.
I wasn't sure if Koji had truly meant what he said from his heart, or if this was just some kind of effect from the addition of Nyquil and Red Bull to his system, but either way it still posed as a problem. Well, sort of; there was a risk, a great one. It was hard not to notice that all of those that I cared about at all had been taken from me, and sentenced to death without option. All that I once had grown used to, begun to feel the true cheer for, it was all gone, everything and everyone. It always left me right when it would hurt the most.
Love wasn't something that was good for anyone; all it did was cause pain, make people weak, and terrify them from making a stand and showing who they truly were to anyone that struck them as different from any other being. Love made you lose sight of what was important in life, and past hurt could cause you to trip, stumble, and make a traumatizing mistake when you've actually found the one that you were always destined to be with in the first place. But after that mistake, your destiny is changed and you're no longer meant to be with anyone. Condemned to solitude for eternity.
In solitude, there was peace and quiet, you could think and plan. You could solve all of the problems that you couldn't with others because of all the noise the beating of other hearts made. Serenity and power existed in the lone warriors, the wolves that had no pack, no family. Nothing but the full moon to howl away their depression, sadness, and impending loneliness with. They could feel nothing, because feeling wasn't worth the pain.
I could hear the splashing of water and the constant thump of bars of soap being thrown at other humans, and couldn't repress a sigh of aggravation at the insane, ecstatic laughter erupting from the two boys that had once been semi-respectable Legendary Warriors. Though Takuya had a fair amount of growing to do before I would ever be able to give him respect straight to his face, though it was only right to offer it to him in the form of addressing him as a Warrior of Flame.
Koji, on the other hand, was certainly a decent Warrior; there was no doubt in my mind about that. He was truly valiant, and wonder of the Digital World, though the works of his mind could use a tuning that only a touch of darkness in your soul could give you. The strength of the element existing within him was far too powerful and was able to defend him from any form of darkness whatsoever. No matter what it was or who it came in the form of, there was nothing that could penetrate that wall of such brightness. 'Invincible' came to mind pretty quickly.
But words were meaningless and forgettable; while some thought that they were helpful, they only did harm. Speaking of being unhelpful. Even my thoughts grumbled irritably, my slight fever rising as Koji and Takuya entered the room again. In nothing but their boxers (I assumed it was because the Digimon had convinced them to wash their clothes too, and they were currently drying). I'd never seen either of them so happy—or shameless. Neither of the Legendary Warriors seemed at all bothered that there was a girl here to see them in their underwear, but then again, it was pretty obvious that they didn't exactly care right at that moment; they were far too busy trying to escape from their imminent boredom. At first they tried to do that by devouring some of the potato cakes, but that wasn't enough to keep the overly-ecstatic guys occupied for very long.
"We're going outside," They chipped over to me as Koji skipped like a merry little school boy out the door, hiding something from my sight by holding it out before him. A grin that was similar to that of someone who had just cracked the government's secret code to get into the ammunition room shot across Takuya's face as he followed Koji outside, also snatching a box up from the ground near him, but being sure that I didn't see anything of it besides the light brown siding. "Don't wait up, 'cause we might be out there for a while with all this…um, 'entertainment'." …O…kay…
I couldn't do anything more than rest up against the counter, wondering for a half second where the others could possibly be as the saloon-similar doors swung closed behind the Warrior of Flame. But the slight worry for the absent Legendary Warriors was short-lived and barely meant anything to me besides another pain in my neck and mind. It was only instinct that told me that I would have to go out and find them myself if they didn't come back soon, after all they were important to the Digital World's surviva—
My footing slipped and I went crashing onto the floor with a thump when a sudden deafening BOOM went off, the nuclear-bomb-like sound close enough to have happened just outside this very restaurant. Another volley of alike, but slightly quieter explosions rang out into the dark, starlit night; since I was already on the ground it didn't catch me off guard. The knowledge that I had no idea what the hell that was was beginning to piss me off, enough that I even snarled slightly as I stood.
As a few more of the loud bangs rang out into the night, I moved over to the window with a pinch of caution to my steps, but as soon as I glanced out the window I knew that I'd let my fevered mind get the best of me. There, outside in the middle of the dirt road were Takuya and Koji, running around a huge circle of fireworks (What was obviously in those boxes) in their boxed while screaming their heads off. After staring for a few more seconds, I mentally rolled my eyes at the two before returning to the counter next to the delicious-smelling potato cakes that I just couldn't bring myself to eat.
My mind fled from the room subsequent to only moments, wandering back to Koji's words of sentiment and fluff, but I didn't recall the words, only how he'd seemed right then. Guilty. So guilty. But what for? That was all I wished to realize right now, and I would've given absolutely anything to know. The want stung like hornets, burned within me like acidic blood, pained me like knives. There was nothing that Koji could possibly have done to act so worried about anything; I couldn't understand.
He hadn't said anything that wasn't true, and his past words of not needing me here had already been forgotten by him. We'd moved past that, though they were still so fresh in my mind it was like I could still hear him saying it. Nothing could possibly have gone on between us that could be bothering him, I'd tried my best to stay apart from him for the past couple of days (With no success, may I add). Chotto matte, JP said something about him and Zoe talking; what could that mean?…Has she…? Did he…? Dono yo na seiko could they have been conversing about…?
My brain pounded with everything that could've been said. Anything that could've been done. But all that came to mind was shrouded in black, covered and twitching with the darkness swirling around my head like smoke. It contorted the images until I could barely even stand to feel the pain any longer. All I could see was snaps of Zoe's hand intertwined with Koji's, in his hair, touching his face.
I trembled at the feelings that being unable to escape the pictures gave me: Complete and utter agony, a kind I'd never encountered before in my life. This pain burned like a thousand miles of fire and kerosene all around me, the gasoline dripping from my clothing consumed with the orange, red, and yellow flickers. I pressed my palms against my head, trying to contain my emotions, attempting to control my mind, but I couldn't stop the dark deep from leaking into me. There was nothing that could stop it. Nothing to stop my pain; I had to fake every emotion now, every expression, just to keep anything from escaping me and making the others aware of whatever situation this was turning into. Light couldn't help me anymore, it couldn't stop this sickness.