Can't Beat Em, Join Em
by TheBucketWoman
Disclaimer: I do not own Life with Derek or anything else I may reference herein. No profit is being made nor is any infringement intended. And if by chance I've screwed up and accidentally used the names of actual existing bands for my fictional ones, mea culpa. Me sorry.
Chapter Twenty-One
Part Fifty-Eight: Edwin
Okay, so I tried to wash my hands of this entire thing, but as sick of it as I became, I was still too curious not to spy. Or observe. Research. That's the ticket.
I took the camera because Dad couldn't be trusted with it. We have a video of Marti's school play—at least I think it was Marti's play, it was hard to tell because most of what you can see on the video is a wall. Dad kept putting the camera aside to do other stuff. And then there was Nora, who could hold the thing steady, for the most part, but was most certainly going to cry, and then she'd just shake the hell out of the camera, so it fell to me and Lizzie. She decided that she'd stay in the audience with the big camera and I'd sneak backstage with the little one.
"Why do I have to sneak backstage?" I asked.
"Because you're sneakier than I am," she said. I was about to argue, but she flashed her big eyes at me and I was powerless.
So I snuck backstage. Or maybe "snuck" isn't the word. There I was, trying to be all cloak and dagger, keeping to the shadows and stuff, but Mrs. Zeldin just let me in.
"I want a copy, Edwin," was all she said.
I was searching the crowd for someone I recognized when I got kidnapped by a bunch of grade ten girls. They apparently thought I was cute, but not in the good way. I was scrawny kitten at the SPCA cute. My hair got ruffled and my cheeks got pinched. Then, they asked about Derek.
"Isn't he here?" I asked, looking around.
"He was," Perky Brunette #1 said.
"Just a second ago," Perky Bleached Blond said.
"We thought you'd know where he went," Perky Brunette #2 said.
"No idea," I said. Though I thought of one place he could be, praying to the porcelain god some more, perhaps.
"He's such a hottie," Perky Brunette #1 said. The other two agreed that yes he was indeed a hottie. Sooo hot in fact.
"You look nothing like him," Perky Bleached Blonde said.
"There you are," Ralph said, grabbing me by the collar before I could think of a reply. He started to drag me toward the back of the room. "Where's the sodas?"
"The what?"
"Well, what kinda roadie are you if you didn't bring the sodas?" Ralph said. "Did you at least pull out all the green M&Ms?"
"What?" I asked.
"Just messin' with you," Ralph said. "Sorry I just dragged you away from those chicas over there, but they looked a little creepy."
"They were a lot creepy," I said.
"In that case," Ralph said, leading me to where the rest of the band, sans Derek, was hanging out. "I'm not sorry. So what's with the camera? You weren't trying to get any girls in their underwear, were you, 'cause I think they were all dressed when they got here."
"What?" I said. Ralph tended to baffle me.
"Lizzie'd have his guts for garters," Sam said.
"Besides, Edwin would never do such a thing," Emily said.
"Nooo, not me," I said. "I value my life too much. So where's Sheldon?"
"It's his turn," Emily said. When I looked confused, or more confused than usual, she clarified. "He's on Pukewatch."
I shuddered.
"I know," Emily said. "Poor baby, I'm gonna have to make it up to him, later."
Casey came up to us, wanting to know what I was doing there.
"What," I said. "You're not happy to see me?" I stuck out my lower lip.
"Nice try," she said. "What're you up to? You're not trying to catch anyone in their drawers are you?"
"You see anyone in their drawers here?" I said, gesturing at the room. "And why does everyone think the worst of me? Who do I look like, Derek?"
"Actually I think someone just told him that he looks nothing like Derek," Ralph said.
"Thanks, Ralphie," I said.
"Anytime," he said.
"So again," Casey began. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, Edwin, but based on my vast experience, I have to wonder if you're up to something."
"Yeah," I said. "Look how suspicious I look, standing around in plain sight." I pulled the little camera out of my pocket. "Lizzie's up front with the other camera and I'm in here to get some backstage stuff and better angles for when you guys go onstage."
"Zeldin let him in," Ralph said. "He's legit."
"Oh," Casey said, looking kind of guilty, even though she was right and I was totally up to something. "My bad."
Everything I told her was true, but I was also there to get two things: Derek watching Casey and Casey watching Derek. Then, if I need to, if they were still too dense to see what was in front of them, I was perfectly willing to sit them down in front of the video and stage an intervention.
"Where's Derek?" Casey asked, then she looked around and realized that someone else was missing. "And Sheldon?"
"Sheldon's making sure Derek's not dying," Emily said.
"He's throwing up again?" Casey asked. "That's really starting to freak me out. Where is he?"
"Boys' room around the corner," Emily said. Casey headed for the door. "Wait! Case, you're not going in there! It's really really nasty."
"I guess I am," Casey said. "Pray for me."
She got as far as the door, where she crashed into Sheldon. Derek was right behind him.
"Thank God," she said.
"Wow," Sheldon said. "I'm happy to see you too, Casey, but this is ridiculous. But that's a cute little dress you have there. Em? We seem to be out of mouthwash." He waggled an empty travel bottle.
"Here ya go," Emily said, handing another tiny bottle directly to Derek, who took a swig, swished and spat into a nearby garbage can.
"Pays to be prepared," Emily said, winking at me.
Speaking of which, I will forever be royally pissed that I got none of what came next on tape. It took too long to set up the camera.
Part Fifty-Nine: Derek
"Are you okay?" Casey said.
I looked over at Casey and felt for a second like I'd die on the spot. It was like sirens went off. My heart stopped for a second and then kickstarted clumsily. I told myself that I could be in the same room with her and be okay, and then she showed up looking like that. She looked like Audrey Hepburn for God's sake. There was just nowhere to look that didn't make me want to cry. My stomach was completely empty, thank God, otherwise something might have happened to that dress.
"Derek," Casey said. She put a hand on my arm. I looked down at it.
"Yeah?" I squeaked.
She took her hand off my arm and moved it to my forehead, then my cheek. Like I had a fever. I kept thinking about how I'd be fine if she'd just quit touching me.
"I'm okay," I said, pulling away.
"You sure?" she asked.
"Uh-huh," I said. There was this little "bing" noise, which I realized later meant that Ed's camera kicked in."Right as rain."
"Yeah, that's you," Casey said. She played with my hair a little and fixed my collar. She turned away from me and I felt relieved and depressed at the same time.
"So," Casey said. "What do you say for this type of thing? Break a leg doesn't really fit, does it?"
"Pop a string?" Sam said.
"Lose the beat?" Emily said.
"Forget the words?" Sheldon said.
"Okay," Casey said. "All of those. Pop a string, lose the beat, and forget the words. Gimme a hug?" She went down the line and hugged everyone except me because, as usual, I hopped out of the way when she got to me. She always tries and all I had to do was let her. But I didn't. Yeah, I have problems, I admit it. I saw the look that she gave me, and the way that Edwin looked up at the ceiling like he was asking God for strength, but pretended that I saw none of it. To kill the awkwardness of the whole thing, Ralph went from one end of the line to the other to hug Casey again. She laughed, he winked, and all seemed cool for a second.
Just then Mrs. Zeldin called everyone to attention and asked for one kid from every band to come forward. Sam and Noel came up as did Jessie, from the Hand Painted Periwinkles (who I didn't recognize with her new blond hair), Freddie, from The Well Puppies and another kid I didn't recognize.
Mrs. Zeldin held out an envelope and each kid pulled out a slip of paper with a number on it. For a second, I expected them to pull out little miniature dragons like Harry Potter, proof that I spend too much time in front of the TV.
"No dragons?" Ralph said.
Sam held up his slip of paper. It had the number three on it.
I let out the breath I'd been holding and said, "We're not first." Ralph laughed at me.
Jessie held up her number—two, Freddie was four and the other kid was five. Then Noel grinned directly at the camera and held out his slip and on it was the number one. Poor kid. I almost felt sorry for him. He laughed, but I doubt he thought it was too funny.
"Oh God," Casey said.
"Son of a..." Lisa said.
"We're ready," Mikey said.
"Get it over with, then we can relax," Jeff said.
"Good point," Noel said.
"Here, Case," Emily said, handing her a paper bag. Casey started to breathe into it.
"Ten minute warning," Mrs. Zeldin said.
Part Sixty: Sam.
Casey puffed into a paper bag, and Derek gripped the edge of a table. Edwin kept pointing the camera from one to the other.
Derek flipped Edwin off.
"Love you too, bro," Edwin said.
"Aw, Hell with this," Casey said, looking into the paper bag. Her lipstick had smeared. This is why I never understood why women bother with that crap; it's constantly ending up on soda bottles or straws, or faces. She wiped it off, checked herself in a mirror. She'd gotten it all, but her mouth stayed red, like she'd been eating popsicles. It looked nice. Then she grabbed a new bag and kept it handy, just in case.
Noel put a hand on her shoulder, and she turned to him.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Uh-huh," she said nodding. "Aren't you nervous?"
"Uh, yeah," he said. "But up against the two of you, I look pretty calm, don't I?" But his hands were shaking when he said that. He put them into his pockets.
"You getting all of this, Edwin?" Lisa said.
"You know it," Edwin said.
"How bout my outfit," Lisa said.
Edwin made a twirling motion with his hand and she did a little spin.
"Good deal," Lisa said. "Now Noel."
"I'm not twirling," he said.
"Now get these pretty little D-Rock people," Lisa said. Edwin swung the camera over to me so fast that I jumped back a little. But I managed to smile and wave, the whole time, feeling like God's own doofus.
"How you doin'?" Ralph said, when the camera got to him. Em and Sheldon were...busy. There was tickling and play fighting and I had to look away because the look they were giving each other was just none of my business. I think Edwin zoomed in.
"They got the right idea," Lisa said.
"This is true," Noel said. Lisa rested her chin on his shoulder and slid her arms around him from behind. Casey saw them and a slow grin spread across her face.
Ohhh, I thought. I made a mental note to stop Ralph from hitting on her, but then I noticed that Ralph saw it too. He snapped his fingers like, Aww nuts. Like a little kid. Never failed to crack me up.
I heard an "Oh my God!" and I turned back in time to see Emily bury her face in Sheldon's chest, and Sheldon turn all kinds of red and turn his head away to hide the smile on his face.
"You get a lot of death threats, don't you Edwin?" Sheldon asked. The sting of the threat was kind of lost because Sheldon was too busy laughing.
"A couple," Edwin said. "Per day."
"Okay, now. Enough of them," Lisa said. "Back to us." Everyone nearby laughed.
"You gotta get Mikey's cute ass on film," Lisa said. She swung Mikey around.
"Beats the hell outta my face, I'm told," Mikey joked.
"And Jeff!" Lisa said, grabbing him and pulling him forward.
"Dude, I'm the bass player," Jeff said. "My place is on the cutting room floor."
"Hey!" I said. I'm a bass player.
"With who?" Edwin asked.
"Whom," Casey said.
"Whatever," Edwin said.
"I like this kid," Jeff said.
"Arrogant Chicken!" Mrs. Zeldin called. "You're up!"
"Crap," Casey said. Then she covered her mouth, like that would erase the word. She turned to Emily and the both jumped up and down for a second. Then they hugged. Then she turned and hugged Lisa and that somehow turned into a group hug.
"Dude," Ralph said. "Why don't we group hug?" Derek glared at him. Ralph smiled back, and patted his shoulder.
As soon as Casey left, Derek put his head down on a table.
"God!" he said. He got down on his knees so that the table was about at chin level and he leaned on it that way, folding his arms under his head.
I walked over to where he was leaning, crouched down at his level and said, "Remember what you said the other day about pussing out?"
"I know," he moaned.
"So then, why?" I asked.
"I don't know," he said. "I take that back—yes I do, just look at her!" He gestured behind him, toward the stage.
"Yep," I said. "She looks incredible."
"She can do. So. Much. Better. Than. Me," he punctuated every word with a slight head bump.
Edwin groaned. He opened his mouth, about to yell at him and call the attention of everyone in the room, some of whom were already half watching, I think, but Emily stopped him.
"Let me," she said.
"Be my guest," Edwin said.
"Derek?" Emily asked, then waited patiently for him to look up.
"Yeah," he croaked.
"That dress?" she began. "She picked it out for you. She wanted to look good for you. And you are too stupid to appreciate it." She smacked him on the head and got up to watch the band from the wings. A couple of kids just walked out of the backstage area to watch from the front, and a few more went around behind the backdrop to watch from the other side. So there was more than enough room for all of us to stand there comfortably and watch.
"Coming?" Sheldon asked Derek.
"Nah," Derek said. "I can hear fine from over here."
"Come on," Sheldon said, "Let's go. I don't have all day."
"Don't make us drag you," I said.
"Don't know what the point is," Derek said, getting up.
"That's better," I said.
We tried to get him to stand up front with Edwin. A couple of the kids from other bands moved aside for him, but he wouldn't move up.
Part Sixty-One: Sheldon.
Okay, from a musical standpoint, I have never been so jealous in my life. At the same time, I wanted these Arrogant Chicken people on my iPod. I was willing to delete stuff so they could fit.
The first song they sang was "Breakfast at Tiffany's." Noel started the acoustic guitar intro, then sang the first line.
"Is that..." Emily asked.
"Wait um...I know this," Sam said.
"Kill me," Derek said.
Emily squealed. Em and I tried not to dance in place, because that would have been dorky. There was a lot of singing along, both backstage and from the audience. Then, at the end, a curveball.
They sang the last two choruses, a cappella. Five part harmony. That was just so damn cool that I almost couldn't stand it. Massive applause.
The next song was "Lover, You Should've Come Over," a song that is easy to screw up. Seriously, I've heard a couple of shitty versions, but they nailed it. Nailed it. This guy, Noel can't be more than, what, seventeen, eighteen at the most. So the lyrics should have been really funny coming out of him. I would never have attempted this song, because it would've been hilarious. Probably not as ridiculous as, say "My Way," or something like that, but still kinda funny. Because I just don't have it in me. But this guy does.
"We're so gonna lose," Sam said.
"Ya think?" Derek said, from his spot on the floor.
"Big time," I said. "Takes the pressure off, though. We can just go have a good time."
"Thank you, Miss Mary Sunshine," Derek said.
"Happy to help," I said.
Derek picked his head up from his hands and looked at me like he was surprised I could walk upright. We were probably gonna have trouble with him later, I figured, but at that moment, I was having too good a time to care.
The final nail in our whole Clash of the Bands coffin was "Wild Horses." A Casey solo. It was hard to tell which version of the song had given them the idea to do the cover. Didn't really follow the Rolling Stones. The Charlotte Martin version, maybe. There was a big, dramatic key change at the chorus, and they managed to turn from acoustic to electric in the middle, a perfect use of the slow build. Needless to say, everyone in the audience seemed to be either crying openly or on the edge of tears. Casey herself, ended the song on her knees, the tears running down her face. I hoped to God that Edwin had had sense enough to zoom in on her.
At the end of their set, in the midst of my fanboy ecstasy, I thought to check on Derek. He had started out the set standing next to Sam. Then he'd been on the floor, still in a position to see what was going on. This time, when I looked, I found him curled up against the wall a good ten feet away. His knees were up under his chin.
"My turn," Sam said, with a sigh. He went over and somehow talked Derek into standing up at least. Jeez, I thought. And I thought Iwas melodramatic.
Casey and Noel and everybody came in about a minute later, all jittery and milking the adrenaline high for all it was worth. There was more squealing and bouncing and hugging. And crying. Casey and Emily were totally incoherent for a minute or so.
During all of this, Noel and Lisa were making out.
"Jackpot," Casey said, when she more or less had herself together.
Sam came over and gave Casey a hug, telling her how great she was.
She thanked him, then asked, "Where is he?"
"He who?" Sam asked. Then he pointed Derek out. Dude was up against the far wall again.
"It never ends," I said.
"Welcome to my world," Edwin said.
At some point during all of this, the Hand Painted Periwinkles got their call and left to set up. I didn't see them go.
Certainly heard them, though.
Part Sixty-Two: Casey.
How pathetic am I that during the kind of moment most people bored their grandkids with, I was not only not appreciating it, but also I had only one thing on my mind. Pathetic me was dying to know what Derek thought of my performance. If I had been smart, I would've given up on trying to impress the almighty, gives-me-nothing Derek Venturi by that point.
I berated myself. Come on, I thought, I think that redheaded emo kid with the Weezer glasses is trying to catch your eye. You can do it. Turn around, it's easy. So much easier than the nothing you're doing now. Come on, eye contact.
The next band had started to play, and again, I should've been enjoying myself. The atmosphere backstage was pretty friendly, even giggly, with people dancing to the Rilo Kiley song the Periwinkles were playing.
Ralph was cringing, but he does that. "If they play Jewel," he said. "I'm outta here."
Who was he kidding?
The good thing was that the Periwinkles were unplugged, at least for this song, so people could hear each other talking backstage.
"Could they have picked anything else?" I said, sinking down into a folding chair next to where Derek was leaning against a wall.
"Kinda painful, isn't it," Derek said, not looking at me. "I feel my teeth starting to rot."
"They're okay," I said. "And I usually love Rilo Kiley, just not right now."
"No accounting for taste," Derek said.
"This coming from someone who has none," I said. I got up and moved my chair in front of him. He looked at his feet. I moved a little closer. He looked past me.
"Derek, why do you hate me?" I asked, finally. I was so tired, that it was the only thing I could think of to do.
But before he could answer, pandemonium erupted. There was cheering and applause and then the band plugged their stuff in and turned their amps up all the way. Of all the times to raise the noise level in the room. Mumbles over there could've been reciting The Raven for all I knew.
I watched him shake his head and run his hands through his hair. He started to laugh a little.
I looked up at Derek like I was still waiting for an answer. It didn't matter if we had to play charades; I was getting an answer. I stood up in front of him and folded my arms; I wasn't getting out of his way.
He leaned forward, taking me by the shoulders and spoke directly into my ear, which gave me the shivers.
"Of course I don't hate you, Drama Queen," he said.
"Then what is it?" I said into his ear.
"Good question," he said. "Can we do this later? It's kinda loud in here?"
Both of us were too stupid to think of going into another room.
"No!" I said. "Right now!"
He said something that I didn't catch. It might have been "Jeez." He ran his hand through his hair again, then he put a hand on both sides of my face. He touched his forehead to mine.
Then there were crashing, end of the world guitars. I felt like putting my earplugs back in, but they were in my bag, halfway across the room and I wasn't moving from that spot. What's a little tinnitus between friends? Derek winced a little at the sudden increase in the noise level, too, but kept a watch on me.
He didn't try to yell this time. There would be no yelling over this noise, so he mouthed at me, very slowly:
"I love you."