Attachment Syndrome
Chapter 21:
"Where have we gotten?" Kate asks later that night, when they're all seated around her bed.
Javi and Ryan sit at the foot, Lanie and Jenny on either side. Jim and his mother sit along one side, with Alexis on the other. He's squished onto the bed next to Kate, Johanne falling asleep half on his lap, half on hers. He's surprised they all fit, really. No one's backs will be thanking them tomorrow. The whole hospital is so uncomfortable.
"Guys," Kate prompts as the boys glance at each other, then at Castle. "Do you know?" she adds, looking to him.
"No," he insists. "Well, I mean, there's nothing to know, so not really?" he continues as she gives him a look.
"Nothing?" she breathes out.
"We're waiting on thin leads, but yeah…nothing so far," Esposito admits.
"But," Kate stammers. "Really, nothing?"
The guys give her apologetic looks as Castle feels her sinking into the bed. Johanne gurgles and Kate absently reaches down to rub the baby's belly where she's laid out on a pillow across their thighs. Johanne grabs her finger with a giggle and begins to suck on it.
The room sits in silence for a moment, all of them mute in the face of the utter lack of justice for what has them there—for Kate.
"So, Alexis," Jenny says, turning to his daughter. "You must have finals this week."
Alexis nods and Castle feels Kate stiffen, staring at his kid. "I do, yeah. Just one more tomorrow," she agrees.
"Alexis," Kate says softly. "You—you should be home, studying."
Alexis shakes her head with a smile. "You slept most of the afternoon. I studied."
"Oh," Kate mumbles.
"We quizzed after you passed out around four," Castle tells her as Jenny continues to ask his daughter question after question, keeping the room engaged. "She's okay."
Kate nods and squeezes his hand before tuning back into the conversation. He looks over and finds Jim watching the two of them, drinking in the sight of Kate alive in her bed, of his granddaughter falling asleep on her lap.
Jim's eyes find his and he offers Castle a weak smile before rising quietly to walk out into the hall. Castle watches him go.
"Can you—" Kate asks softly.
"Yeah," he whispers, squeezing her hand once before moving to stand. He picks Johanne up and places her in the bassinet, mumbling to their friends about going to the bathroom, never mind that there's one attached to Kate's room.
He gives his mother a tight smile and leaves the room, stepping from the comfort of friends out into the foreboding hospital hallway. The place smells sterile and death-like, and he looks around urgently for Jim. He hasn't been away from Kate's side since she woke, and he's rapidly feeling like there's a good reason for that beyond Kate's emotional well being. His seems to be fraying as he stands there under the harsh lights.
He spots Jim at the end of the hall, sitting on the floor against the wall with his legs pulled up, his head leaned back and eyes closed. He walks toward him slowly, glancing around to ensure their privacy before he slides down the wall to sit beside her father.
"You should be with Katie," the man says, without even opening his eyes.
"You all right?" Castle asks.
Jim lets out a harsh laugh. "No."
Castle bobs his head and waits until Jim opens his eyes and straightens up. "Can I help?"
Jim shakes his head. "Katie tells me you're going to the Hamptons house?"
Castle nods, fighting the urge to re-check the hallway. He doesn't want to make her father paranoid as well. So far, he's the only one of their family with that burden, and he'd like to keep it that way.
"Would you like to join us?" he asks, lacking for anything better.
Jim meets his eyes for a moment, considering. "Maybe for a few days. I can—I could stay for longer, but we're coming up on a big case."
"Come for as long as you like," Castle encourages. He knows Kate will feel more comfortable having her father there—someone quiet to sit with when he and his family become overbearing, as they are apt to do sometimes.
He just wants the man close. The closer they all are, the safer they are.
"I will," Jim agrees. They sit there, shoulder to shoulder for a moment.
"Thank you," Castle says. Jim glances at him. "For the calls you made."
"What calls?" Jim asks, giving him a sly look. "Should you get back?"
Castle knows a dismissal when he hears one. He nods and stands, hauling himself back up the wall. God, he's sore. But not as sore as Kate, so he has no right to complain.
"Rick." He turns and looks down at Jim. "Why don't you take the baby home with you tonight. I'll stay with Katie."
He should say yes. It would be better for Johanne, certainly. And probably better for Alexis as well. But he just—can't. He can't leave her.
"If you want to stay, you're welcome to," he tells Jim. "But I think we'll camp here—so Kate can see Josie if she wants."
Jim gives him a skeptical look but doesn't argue, waving him back toward the room.
He's just not ready to go home—to sleep alone in his bed, or hers, if he knows himself. He hasn't dreamt yet, hasn't been deeply asleep enough yet to dream. But when he does, he knows the nightmares will come, and he's not sure he can face them without Kate there to wake up to—to prove her life by simply sleeping there beside him, or at least down the hall.
The guys are standing to leave when he comes back in. Lanie and Kate talk in quiet whispers while Jenny hugs his daughter, and then his mother. He's always liked Jenny.
"We'll see you soon," Esposito tells him, reaching out to clasp his hand.
"You'll—"
"If anything pops," Ryan assures him, taking his hand after Espo.
"Take care of her," Esposito adds, his voice low.
"Of course," Castle tells them both.
Jenny comes around to hug him, and then he's hugging Lanie and watching as the four of them file out, leaving just their little family there in the room. He turns and finds his mother shrugging back into her jacket, Alexis standing anxiously by Johanne's bassinet.
"We'll be back tomorrow, dear," his mother tells Kate, walking over to clasp her hand. "Get a good night's sleep."
"I will," Kate promises, though Castle sees tension on her face at the lie.
"Alexis," he says softly, approaching his daughter. "Are you okay?"
She nods. "I'll come here after my final tomorrow," she says in answer.
She has a final in the morning. God. He needs to be there.
"No," Alexis says before he even opens his mouth. "No, stay here, okay?"
He sighs. "Honey—"
She grabs his arm and moves him to the corner of the room before wrapping her arms around him, arching onto her toes.
"Stay and keep Kate safe. We have the guard at home. Gram promised to order out for breakfast. We'll be fine," she whispers.
He hugs his daughter tight. "We're safe," he tells her. "I promise."
"That's not what Ryan and Espo think," she murmurs back.
He pulls away and meets her eyes as she sinks back to her toes. "We're all going to be just fine. You'll see," he says, fighting to instill the same confidence he could when she was four with a scraped knee.
Alexis gives him a wavering smile then releases him, walking over to give Kate a gentle hug.
"Mother," he says as Martha approaches him.
"I've got her," she assures him. "You just help Katherine get better, and then we'll all head to the beach, hm?"
"Thank you," he offers, feeling inadequate.
"Oh, darling," she tsks, shaking her head. "What are mothers for? We'll see you tomorrow. Come on, Alexis," she beckons, guiding his daughter out of the room, the door swinging shut softly behind them.
He stands there, blindsided, and runs his hands through his hair. He's just…not enough, for any of them, for all of them. There's not enough in him for everyone, and what he has to give is so less than adequate.
"Castle?"
He closes his eyes, trying to gather the strength to be more. He turns with a smile he doesn't quite feel and finds Kate eyeing him from the bed, her own face tired and drawn.
"You okay?" he asks, making his way back to her bedside to hover there, looking down at her.
"Are you?" she wonders.
"Again. Gunshot wound. Priorities, Beckett," he chides, reaching out to brush a fly-away from her face.
"I've got pain meds," she argues. When he doesn't respond, she sighs. "How's my dad?"
The door opens and Jim's head pops through. "I'm gonna head home," Jim tells them. "Unless," he looks to Castle.
"I'm staying," he assures him.
"Hey," Kate interjects. "No one needs to stay. I can make it through the night on my own." They both turn to give her incredulous looks. "I can. Dad, you have that big case coming up, you should sleep."
Jim sighs at her but nods before giving Castle a last look and disappearing. He's certainly not leaving her after that. Jim's entrusting her to him. He can't leave her alone.
"Castle," Kate says, her voice rough. "You should go home."
"No," he says easily, looking down at her.
"That's not an answer," she huffs.
"Hey. No means no. It's a complete statement," he argues.
She raises an eyebrow. "You're—look, I just, I think you should be there, for Alexis."
"She told me to stay."
"Yeah, well, she's seventeen, what does she know?" Kate lets out. He opens his mouth, but can't quite find the words. "I mean—if it—shouldn't Josie sleep in her own bed? Shouldn't you?"
He sighs and pulls a chair up to her bedside, glancing into the bassinet to make sure Johanne's still asleep. She's entirely conked out. He doesn't think the crib matters, just that they're there.
He sits down heavily at Kate's bedside, feeling his lips twitch as she reaches out for his hand. He envelopes hers between both of his and stares at their entwined fingers, trying to figure out how to explain without explaining everything. She doesn't need his emotional upheaval right now.
"I really can make it through the night on my own," she says quietly.
"I'm not sure I can," he admits. Her hand squeezes his and he looks up to meet her eyes.
"You need to sleep," she says softly.
"Your bed is comfy," he says easily.
"There isn't room," Kate protests. He shakes his head then bends, resting it on the edge of her bed. "Oh, seriously," she says with exasperation. "You can't just—"
"Kate," he says, cutting her off. He doesn't have the energy to argue—doesn't even have a good concrete reason to stay. Like he'd actually be much help if someone broke in to kill her. He just…can't leave.
"Why won't you go home?" she asks.
"If it were me, could you?" falls out of his mouth before he can stop it.
She stares at him, her eyes wide. "I—"
"No, it's stupid. I'm sorry," he says quickly. "Forget it."
They sit quietly for a minute as he avoids her eyes, staring instead at the heart monitor as it peaks and valleys—the steady proof of her continued life.
"I probably couldn't." He turns at the sound of her voice. "But if you asked, I would."
"Are you asking me to leave?" She bites her lip and glances toward the bassinet. "Kate."
"No," she whispers. "But you should."
"And you should sleep."
"Yeah, well," she offers meeting his eyes again. "Maybe they can bring you a cot or something. I'd say join me, but—"
"But we shouldn't tempt fate like that," he agrees. She cocks her head. "With our track record? I'd pull out your stitches or unhook your IV or something."
"No you wouldn't," she says with a laugh.
"You don't know. I could have some kind of sleep compulsion."
She shakes her head and squeezes his hands. "You don't. You've never even kicked me in your sleep. You're like a rock. You lie down and you stay that way."
Because they sleep together. She knows because they've been sleeping in the same bed. They've been kissing. They've cuddled. And all of that was nearly taken away before they ever even talked about it.
"Hey." He looks up and finds her watching him, concern all over her face. "What's—Castle, what's wrong?"
He manages a laugh. "Short list, long list?"
She sighs and tugs on his hand gently, gesturing for him to come join her on the bed.
"You just said—"
"Not to sleep, but I could use a hug."
She probably doesn't need one, but he does, and he loves her for pretending it's for her benefit. Oh, he loves her.
He shuffles onto the bed and tentatively wraps his arm around her shoulders, smiling as she leans into him, her head settled in the crook of his arm, her hand resting on his thigh.
"They say touch is healing," she mumbles a few minutes later.
"Do they? Like for Josie?" he asks, smiling into the crown of her head.
"Mm-hm," she hums against him. "Helping?"
"Me?"
"Yeah."
He huffs a laugh into her hair. "Yeah. It is."
"Good," she sighs.
"You falling asleep?"
"Mm-hm."
"Then I'll—"
"Stay," she whispers.
He nods and strokes his thumb over the shoulder of her hospital gown. He smiles as she falls asleep against him. He glances over to the bassinet, watches the steady rise and fall of Johanne's chest, and he feels it like a punch to the gut.
He wishes this were a different hospital stay—wishes he were holding Kate, massaging her stomach, their brand-new baby lying in the bassinet. Wishes he were so bone tired from the midnight feedings. Wishes it were normal. Wishes it were beautiful.
He shakes his head. Kate's alive, and that is beautiful.
It's enough.
(…)
"Oh, you know what I'll need?" Kate says three days later.
"What?" he asks, smiling at the sight of her broad-faced grin as she plays with Johanne.
"My bathing suit. It's still at my place. Can we swing by before we head out on Friday?"
He swallows. He hasn't mentioned it to her yet—hasn't wanted to upset her. She's been doing so well, gaining color, eating more, standing for a minute at a time. They've even gotten rid of the bedpan. And he's just wanted to see her happy, to see her smiling. He hasn't mentioned the guard she still hasn't seen, hasn't mentioned her tossed apartment, hasn't talked about the big, tinted-window SUV that's going to take them to the Hamptons, Ryan and Esposito behind them the whole way.
"Castle."
He meets her eyes and takes a breath. "I, ah, actually need to talk to you about that," he says softly, reaching out to take Johanne from her and place her on the play mat on the floor where he can see her.
"Rick?" she says as he returns to the bottom of her bed, his gaze still trained on the baby.
"I'll have to have one of the guys grab your suit, if we can," he offers, slowly bringing his gaze to meet hers.
"Why?"
He sighs. "Your apartment—I didn't want to mention it—"
"My apartment what?"
"It was tossed, the day you were shot," he admits, flinching as her face morphs into a glare. "I didn't want to say anything until CSU turned up with prints, but they…haven't."
"My place was—but the loft? That's okay? Your mom, Alexis?"
He reaches out and squeezes her foot. God, she's so much more than he deserves. He kept this from her, and she's worried about his family.
"They're fine. The loft is fine. We think—the guys think they were looking for your file on your mother's case."
"Oh," she mumbles. "But it's—"
"At the precinct, with Ryan and Esposito," he assures her. "I had them go get it Monday."
"Good," she breathes out. She stares at Johanne for a beat before looking back at him. "What else haven't you told me?"
He runs a hand down his face and steels himself. "There's a guard outside."
She waves a hand. "Something new, Castle."
"What?"
She laughs at him—God damned laughs. "I noticed him yesterday. What?" she adds as he stares at her. "I'm injured not blind."
He lets out a surprised chuckle and shakes his head. "Um, that's pretty much it. Well, that and Espo and Ryan are going to tail us up to the Hamptons, just to be safe."
She nods slowly. "That's…probably for the best?"
"Yeah," he agrees. "Then I've got a team that will watch the house, on top of the security system."
She bites her lip and looks down at Johanne, who lies on her play mat, perfectly content, batting at the little mobile he set up. "Is this safe?" Kate asks softly.
"What, going to the Hamptons?" She nods. "Where else would we go?"
"I don't know," she say says with a shrug. She winces.
"Okay?"
"Yeah. I just…keep forgetting," she admits. "I mean, hospital room aside, it's like sitting in your living room sometimes. I keep forgetting it's real." She rubs gently at her chest.
"Me too." She meets his eyes. "But we'll get there. See the beach. She'll love the water."
Kate smiles. "Yeah. Is she—do you think she could learn to swim?"
He blinks at her. "What?"
"What?" she returns, looking slightly defensive. "Babies can swim. It's like an innate sense or something. I just don't know if she's too old now. Didn't you do that with Alexis?"
"I—why would you assume I'd do that with Alexis? Putting my baby in a pool? That's crazy."
"I just thought it would have been something you'd be interested in. Little baby super swimming powers. Sounds right up your alley."
He pauses for a second. "It does, doesn't it?"
She smiles. "Might be the only place I can actually hold her, at any rate."
"I'll order some floaties to be delivered," he says instantly. She gives him a soft look. "And maybe a new swimsuit for you."
"A one-piece?"
"Won't that be harder?" he wonders.
Her eyes cut away from his and he sees her shoulders rise. Oh. Oh, right, the scars. He still hasn't seen them.
"Color?" he asks, hoping to keep her from dwelling on it too much.
"Surprise me," she says softly, sinking back into her pillows.
"Tired?"
"Yeah," she mumbles, her eyes slipping shut. "Josie needs…bottle," she says as she fades off.
He watches her sleep for a few minutes, listening as Johanne gurgles up at her mobile, as her hands whack at the little dangling fabric pieces.
"Okay, Josie," he says as he slips off of Kate's bed and crouches down to scoop up the baby. "Why don't you and I do some reading about this swimming thing after your bottle, huh?"
He wanders back to the chair and pulls out a bottle of formula he prepped earlier in the day. Johanne settles in to eat easily, her eyes searching his face as she suckles, her little feet kicking.
"I think when we get out there, we're gonna have to start you on real food. You're getting so big." She taps one of her little fists against the bottle. "But we'll still do the bottles. Mama can do that with you with a pillow." He sighs and looks over at Kate. "We need to be extra nice to mama, bug," he tells the baby. "She's—she didn't get to have you, so I can't use that one as a comparison, but I think this is the hardest thing she'll ever have to do. So we need to snuggle her lots and lots, okay?"
Johanne blinks up at him and grabs one of his fingers.
"Good, we agree," he says, smiling at her. "You're gonna love the beach, aren't you? Yeah," he adds as she grins around the bottle at him. "You're gonna be a little beach rat, and we're gonna take tons of pictures so we can remember just how cute you were."
There's a knock on the door. Castle looks over as it opens, standing immediately as an unfamiliar woman steps through. She wears a blue blazer and matching skirt, kitten heels and a badge clipped to her waist. A cop? She looks too…dressed to be a cop.
"I'm looking for Detective Beckett," the woman says, turning to look at him. "You must be Mr. Castle."
"I," he says, glancing at Kate. "Who are you?"
The woman raises an eyebrow. "I'm Victoria Gates, the new Captain of the 12th precinct."
Oh.
His phone pings. Yeah, a little late, guys.
"Nice to meet you," he manages. Johanne squirms in his arms, popping off the bottle with a cry. "Sorry, bug," he murmurs, stroking her cheek until she returns to eating. "Kate's actually—"
"I can see that," Gates offers. "Detectives Esposito and Ryan told me she might be. I just wanted to come and meet her, discuss her leave."
"Oh, well, I'm sure—I could call you when she wakes up?"
Gates considers him. This woman is nothing like Montgomery. He can't see an ounce of fun, an ounce of good will in her. She screams no-nonsense.
"M'wake," Kate mumbles.
Gates turns to her, her face softening a hair. "Detective Beckett."
Kate blinks and covers a yawn. "Yes," she manages.
"I'm Victoria Gates, your new Captain."
"Pleased to meet you," Kate says evenly, though he can see she's a thrown by this as he is.
"I just wanted to come down, see how you are. You know, I've heard quite a lot about you. Youngest woman in the city to make detective. You beat me by six months. It's quite impressive."
Kate smiles tentatively, glancing at him. "Thank you, ma'am."
"Ma'am is my mother. Call me Captain, or Sir," Gates replies.
"Yes…Sir," Kate says slowly.
"I'm glad to see you're awake and alert," Gates continues. "Everyone's been quite worried about you at the precinct."
"That's sweet of them," Kate tells her, looking to him, like he can somehow solve this problem.
Johanne finishes the bottle and gurgles at him. He smiles down at her, ignoring the newest addition to the room for a moment as he puts the bottle down and bounces with the baby. He sees Kate smiling in his periphery as Johanne giggles.
"And who is this?" Gates asks.
"That's Johanne—Josie," Kate tells her. "My daughter."
"She's adorable," the woman tells Kate, stepping over to Castle to get a look at her. Johanne immediately stops giggling as Gates reaches out for her hand.
The baby's face goes blank and Gates withdraws her hand. Castle watches as the woman's face falls a bit.
"She's—" he looks over at Kate, who raises a shoulder and nods. "She has some trust issues," he says, deciding to hit somewhere in the middle. "But she's getting there, aren't you, Josie?" he adds.
Johanne turns toward him in his arms, her face more open, body relaxing.
"She seems to trust you, Mr. Castle," Gates observes before looking back at Kate. "And, speaking of…trust. I understand from your colleagues that Mr. Castle has been shadowing you for three years?"
"That's correct," Kate hedges. "And our closure rate has never been better."
He stares at her, an eyebrow raised, but Kate staunchly refuses to look at him. He tamps down his urge to grin, only because the new Captain is there. But oh, is she going to hear about that later.
Gates looks between them. "And this," she says, gesturing to the room, to Johanne's play mat on the floor, to Castle holding the baby. "Was this not a problem for your former Captain?"
Castle looks to Kate, confused as Kate's eyes widen.
"Um, Sir, it's—Castle and I are just—it's a complicated situation," she says, wincing.
"Mm," Gates offers. "Not exactly the response I was hoping for."
"Meaning?" Castle probes. He's feeling lost, and somehow quite worried.
"Well, I'd hoped that you were here merely in solidarity. However, I will have to say that beyond my personal misgivings about your…partnership, it is against NYPD policy for two colleagues to work together while engaged in a romantic relationship."
He feels his eyebrows skyrocket. Roy never mentioned anything of the sort.
"Sir," Kate says, bringing Gates' attention back. "Castle has been watching Josie during the day since I brought her back. I don't think it will be an issue. Though, he does come in to consult on occasion." And via text message. "I hope that won't be a problem, as he won't be in the field with me."
Gates considers her. "Why don't we discuss it when you return?" she suggests. "Your colleagues have told me it will be about three months?"
"Give or take," Kate agrees. "But Castle—"
"When you return," Gates says, cutting her off as she glances at her watch. "I have to get back. I hope you make a quick recovery, Detective Beckett. And a painless one, if possible."
"Thank you, Sir," Kate manages.
"Mr. Castle," Gates says with a nod, smiling at the baby once before striding back out of the room.
"Wow," he says, once the door swings shut.
"Yeah," Kate agrees.
He waits as long as he can. "Your closure rate's never been higher?"
"Oh, shut up," she groans, falling back into the pillows. "Jerk."
He just grins. She may be hurt, and they may all be in danger, but she's adorable when she's pouting, and their closure rate's never been better.