Chapter 21

Alex woke to the sun in her eyes and the smell of coffee in her nose. She yawned, stretched and realized she was alone in Bobby's bed. She sat up and saw a carefully folded paper on the pillow next to hers. Scrawled on it in Bobby's hand was "Alex." With a sense of dread, she opened it.

"Alex," it read, "First of all, above all, know that I love you. Know that this, that nothing about this, is your fault." Alex let out a breath. "I will be back soon, before Monday. I just need some time by myself. Alone. I haven't been alone for more than a few hours since it happened, and I need to sort some things out. I won't do anything stupid. I WILL be back. Please forgive me for taking the coward's way out with this note. I knew that if I talked to you I'd stay, and I have to do this. I promise you that I will never do anything like this again. I'll call you later today. Again, please forgive me. I do love you. Bobby. PS There's coffee. I'm not so stupid that I'd leave you without coffee."

Alex read the lines over and over. Her anger and confusion faded in the face of Bobby's declarations of love. As she sipped the coffee Bobby had made, Alex fought the urge to call his cell phone. "He needs some time…maybe I do too," she thought.

Her apartment needed cleaning, errands needed to be run, but Alex elected to run to her family. Her brother and sister-in-law welcomed her surprise offer to spend time with Alex's nephew. Alex kept her cell phone close; in the afternoon, just as she was struggling to get her nephew to take his nap, it rang.

"Bobby," she breathed as she answered.

"Hey." His voice was soft and hesitant. "Is this a bad time?"

Her nephew ceased his dismantling of his toy truck. "Bubby?"

Alex heard Bobby's soft chuckle. "Good…you're with your family…"

"Well, at least the smallest member." Alex smiled. "It's been a good morning…thanks for the coffee…"

"Well, it was the least I could do." They were both slowly circling the real issues between them. Bobby moved first. "I'm sorry, Alex…I hate people who run away, and that's what I did…"

"I wouldn't call it running away," Alex said as she kept one eye on her nephew. "More like taking a needed break."

She heard the relief in his voice. "Thank you…for understanding…I just…just needed this time…"

Her nephew had abandoned his truck and was moving towards Alex. "I do…I think…but you owe me a big, expensive dinner…"

"Deal." Alex heard the smile in Bobby's tone. "I called Deakins…let him know we're ok…you'll be glad to know we're both still on the force…"

Alex's nephew had reached her. "Bubby," he stated. He pulled on her jeans and raised his hand. "Talk to Bubby."

"Someone want to talk to me?" Bobby asked.

"Yea," Alex answered and handed the phone to her nephew. She struggled not to laugh as he described to Bobby, in great detail, the destruction of his truck, the worms he and his Aunt Alex found that morning, and his extreme reluctance to take his nap. He finally handed the phone back to his aunt.

"Bubby talk to you. No naps for Bubby."

Alex heard Bobby's soft laughter. "Hey," she said, "you're undermining my authority."

"Like you have any authority with him…he's got you wrapped around his finger…" He sounded like the Bobby she always knew, the Bobby before…

"You ok…really?" Alex asked.

There was a pause. "Yea…like I said…I just need some time…I'll let you get back to your nephew…"

"You'll call me if you need me?" Alex desperately wanted to keep talking to Bobby, but also to respect the boundaries he wanted and needed.

"Yes…Alex…about last night…I'm sorry…"

"It's ok…it was just too soon…"

"Sunday…I'll be back…I want to talk…but…right now…"

"Yes." There was so much she wanted to say to him.

"I…I …thank you…I love you." And he was gone before she could tell him she loved him.

She spent the rest of the day with her family, marveling at how some of her nieces and nephews had grown, troubled by how much older her parents seemed and how her brothers and sisters seemed focused on the encroachments of time. "You have been a little out of the loop lately, Lex," her sister told her gently when Alex expressed surprise at the news that her oldest niece was reviewing college and career options. As she drove back to her apartment, Alex realized she was out of several loops. The past months had been dominated by Bobby and her career, but this was only an extension of the pattern of the last few years. "My life," she thought, "has become my job and Bobby…and I don't mind…" The warnings of one of her instructors at the academy—"Never let the job become your life; never confuse your life with your job"—echoed briefly in her mind, but Alex knew it was too late to heed that voice.

Alex fought the impulse to call Bobby throughout the next day. She cleaned her apartment—and was particularly appalled at the state of her bathroom—and dealt with accumulated paperwork. She returned several very overdue phone calls to friends, and was surprisingly and pleasantly rewarded with an invitation from one to dinner. The dinner was wonderful but strange. Alex was glad of the opportunity to reconnect with her friend, who seemed equally delighted to be with her, but their conversation caused Alex to realize how different her life had become from that of many of her friends and from the life she had once expected.

Returning home from the dinner Alex was overwhelmed with the need to talk to someone who might have some idea of what she was experiencing, and she dialed Olivia Benson's number. She was stunned when Olivia answered; even more stunned when the other detective offered to meet her for a drink. They spent several hours over several margaritas and rums and cokes commiserating over the turns of their lives and careers. When they were finally forced out of the bar, Alex and Benson moved on to a twenty four hour diner and coffee. It was just before sunrise—and both women reasonably sober—by the time they left the diner.

"Listen," Benson said as they said goodbye. "What you did for Goren…I would've done the same…So would most of the cops I know…Say the word, and Fin'll take her out…" Alex felt a small smile cross her face. "And Elliott's lit into a couple of guys who've made comments…"

"Truth is," Alex said quietly, "Bobby's handled himself remarkably well through all of this…He's the one who's kept his cool…"

Aside from the lack of sleep and a slightly annoying headache, Alex felt much better after the long session with Benson. She checked for messages when she entered her apartment, but their absence scarcely surprised her. She took some aspirin, drank several large glasses of water, and fell into bed. Alex slept fitfully, the result of the alcohol and her concern for Bobby. Her sleep had never been entirely free of nightmares—she had seen too much and retained, for all she had seen, a sensitive soul—but she had suffered surprisingly few bad dreams throughout Bobby's ordeal. Part of this was undoubtedly due to her state of physical and emotional exhaustion, but there was also a feeling on Alex's part that Bobby suffered enough terrors for both of them, and that she had to remain strong for both of them. The dreams that invaded her sleep this night were not so much nightmares as a series of vague, disturbing images–visions of Alex trying to reach out to Bobby; of Bobby calling to her; of arms holding her and pulling her away from him.

She managed a sort of sleep until about noon. She fixed coffee, tried to eat, wrestled with the Sunday paper, but her eye was on the clock and her ear tuned to the phone. "I wish," she thought, "he'd at least let me know where he is…how he is…" The late afternoon shadows had started crossing the streets when Alex poured a glass of wine and curled up on her couch. As she sipped the wine, Alex considered her relationship with Bobby. She'd been half in love with him since she'd managed to get past his eccentricities and defenses to find the brave, intelligent, gentle and troubled man within them. The courage Bobby had demonstrated in the months following the attack upon him had deepened her feelings, and no amount of NYPD regulations and her own fears could oppose those feelings. Alex's body ached for Bobby's, but she realized that she could—and would—wait for his mind and body to heal. "I have to do this," she thought. "I just hope Bobby knows and believes that…"

The ring of her cell phone brought Alex out of her thoughts. She grabbed the phone and saw Bobby's number.

"Hey," she answered, fighting the urge to beg him to tell her where and how he was.

"Hey yourself." His voice was shy and hesitant. "I…I wonder…if you could open your door?"

"And why would I do that?" Alex was already walking to her door.

"Because I'm on the other side."

Alex opened the door to discover Bobby in the hall. Dressed in jeans and leather jacket, he looked rumpled and sleepy. One hand held his phone; the other balanced a large pizza box and a single red rose. He looked at her shyly. Smiling, Alex took the pizza and rose from him.

"This is nice," she said as she headed back to her kitchen. "But it doesn't take the place of that big dinner."

"I didn't expect it to." He seemed relieved at his welcome.

"And just one rose?" Alex called from the kitchen. "I'd thought this required a dozen at least."

"But you told me you hated roses." Bobby reached the kitchen entrance and leaned against the doorway. "So I just got one to convey the thought."

Alex slipped the rose into a small vase. "Well, it's a lovely rose…" She glanced at Bobby. "And a lovely thought."

He gave her a shy smile.

They ate the pizza in a friendly silence. Alex desperately wanted to know where Bobby had been and how he now felt, but she also felt waiting for Bobby to speak was the best option.

"Thank you, Alex," he finally said as he pushed his plate away. "For not pushing…for not asking…I appreciate it."

"It's ok," she said.

"I want you to know…I never thought of leaving…permanently…" He sat on the edge of her couch, his arms resting on his legs. "I just needed…like I told you…a little time…"

"It…it was good for me too," she whispered.

He glanced at her. "Yea…we've been living in each other's pockets lately…"

"Nice pockets though they are," she said.

A smile crossed his face. "Yea…Look…" He stood and began pacing. "I just drove around…Lewis had this project…it needed a long drive…and I drove the car around for him…I slept in it last night…just drove…" He stopped for a moment and ran his hand through his already unruly hair. "I went by my mom's grave…I drove up to Carmel Ridge to say hi to some of her friends…" He stopped pacing and looked at Alex; she felt her heart shiver. "I love you…I want to be with you…but I was hurt…do hurt…so much. I think I…I just need time…but I…I don't know how long…and I have no right…no right…to ask you to wait…"

Alex stood and walked to face him. She took his hands in hers. "We've waited nearly five years…I think a little longer won't hurt…"

Bobby looked steadily in her eyes. "What about the rules? Regulations…"

"We'll deal with them," she answered quietly.

There was a long pause. "Ok," Bobby finally said.

Alex pulled him gently towards her bedroom.

"Alex? What?"

"I missed you," she said simply. "And I want to be sure we both get a good night's sleep…and I sleep better next to you…and I think you sleep better next to me."

There was another pause. "Ok," he said.

Alex and Bobby existed in a strange limbo for the next few days. Their professional lives moved in an unusual efficiency and grace even for their legendary partnership. At work, Bobby lived on a higher plane, with his already wired brain firing on all circuits. But, as professional and organized as he was within the job, Bobby was lost and confused outside of it. Deakins and Alex both dissuaded him from working long hours; Alex thought Bobby might have slept at One Police Plaza if he could. In the evenings Bobby would occasionally allow Alex to lead him to her apartment, or he'd allow her to follow him to his; but he also pulled away from her and, stuttering and stammering, begged for time alone. At these times he was so apologetic and in so much pain Alex couldn't be angry at him.

"I have to do something," Alex thought one morning as she watched a hollow-eyed Bobby wrestle with the copier. "If not for him, then for me…" But she had no idea who she could talk to. Talking to someone would reveal the feelings she and Bobby had for each other, and Alex sensed any separation would be devastating for Bobby. She also sensed that a great many people were on their sides, but Alex didn't wish to place anyone with her and Bobby in opposing NYPD regulations. Her gaze shifted from Bobby to Deakins' office; her captain stood in the doorway, calmly surveying his command. A casual observer might think Deakins was devoting equal attention to all of the room's inhabitants, but Alex noted that his eyes were subtly focused on Bobby Goren. The captain caught Alex's eyes and walked to her desk. He dropped a file before her, but Alex recognized it as a case she and Bobby had just cleared.

"How's he doing?" Deakins asked quietly.

"He's ok…here…on the job." Alex was reluctant to reveal that her partner was spending much of his nights wearing holes in floors with his pacing back and forth, and even more reluctant to reveal how she came by this information.

Deakins gave her a sympathetic look. "I know how he's doing here, Alex. But away from here…the job…how is he?"

She hesitated.

"Come to my office," Deakins said gently and picked up the file. Anyone viewing the scene would think it was simply a captain discussing a case with one of his detectives.

Deakins shut his office door and moved behind his desk. "Look," he said with the air of a man who has made a difficult decision, "I'd never say this to any other detective…and I'd never allow this with any other partnership…as far as I'm concerned…and as far as most of anyone who matters…what you and Bobby do outside of the job…what your partnership is…we don't want to know…"

Uncertain whether she should protest, Alex stood quietly.

"I apologize, Alex…for any assumptions…I don't want you to confirm or deny anything…it's don't ask, don't tell…" His fingers played with the file. "I believe in the department's rules…but I recognize those rules need to be at least bent on occasion…both you and Bobby are tremendously important to this department…I owe you…the department owes you both…and there's a lot of sympathy…a sense that we all owe Bobby for leaving him vulnerable…and on my part…I like you both, Alex…on a personal level…but…" Deakin's voice grew grim. "I have to know if anything is hurting your job performances…and you're still on probation because of what you did during the Wallace interview…

Alex could barely breathe.

"I've laid my cards on the table, Alex," Deakins said. "Like I said, what's going on outside…I don't need to know…but I need to know if Bobby is in trouble."

"Ok," Alex thought. "He's on our side…he's always been on our side…" She looked steadily into her captain's gaze.

"He's…He thought," she said, "that facing her would help…and it has…but he was hurt so much in so many ways…and he's trying to deal with the loss of his mom…I know he's not sleeping well…but I believe…I know…he's not a danger…except maybe to…to..."

"To Bobby Goren?" Deakins suggested.

Alex nodded reluctantly. She gripped the edge of the chair in front of her. "Captain," she said, "you can't keep him from working…please…it holds him together…and he's still the best…"

"I know," Deakins said gently. "And I don't want to be the one who takes him off the job…but I can't let him hurt anyone…including you…" Alex blinked. "Or himself…but it's not near that, Alex…besides…" Deakins gave her a quick smile. "I try anything with Goren right now…Logan and Barek will be leading a revolution…" He sat at his desk. "Just keep me informed…let Bobby know my door is open…that goes for you too…"

"Yes, sir," Alex answered.

"And don't forget…you can always go to a counselor…I certainly won't think any less of you…more like the opposite…and Bobby…" Deakins tapped a pen on his desk. "Anyone who can come back from what happened to him…" Deakins shook his head. "He's a better man than me…"

"I'm not sure," Alex said quietly, "that Bobby would agree with that last statement…"

Deakins dismissed her with a sad smile.

Alex returned to her desk to begin the process of getting Bobby home. He usually presented a thousand excuses for staying late, but on this evening he offered minimal resistance. As he gathered his binder, Bobby glanced at her. "Everything ok with Deakins?"

"Yea," Alex said as she wrapped a scarf around her neck. "He's just checking on how we're doing."

"You mean," Bobby said as he slipped on his coat, "how I'm doing…" There was no bitterness in his voice, only resignation.

Alex held her tongue until they were alone in the elevator. "He's just worried about you, Bobby," she said gently. "And it's not just about the job…he respects and likes you…"

"Yea," Bobby said with a weak smile. "The troublemaker in class is always loved…"

"That's not it," Alex said softly laying a hand on his shoulder. "More like the class genius…"

They paused outside the building. The evening was cold and grey and held the promise of snow.

Alex stared up at the forbidding sky. "I don't think spring is ever going to get here."

Bobby seemed lost in his head. "I…I'll see you tomorrow, Alex…"

Alex sensed that he needed her this night but couldn't or wouldn't admit it. "You want to get some dinner? A drink?"

He shook his head. "I…I should go home…"

She reached out to touch his coat, but he stepped back. "You could come to my place…"

"I…there's some stuff of my mom's I need to deal with…" Alex thought Bobby was disappearing into his mind in front of her.

She tried once more to reach him. "Bobby…"

"Alex…please…thank you…but…" He was staring at the ground. He raised his eyes, and Alex nearly cried out at the pain in them. "I'm sorry…sorry…" He spun away and walked quickly down the street.

Stunned for a moment, Alex watched until the crowd swallowed Bobby. "It can't go on like this," she thought. "One…or both of us…is going to break…" She stood for a few seconds in thought and then, her mind made up, began walking in the opposite direction from Bobby.

Dr. George Huang yawned and stretched. It had been a long day, one filled with more than the usual quota of the disturbed, maimed, and just plain kooky. "And that," Huang wryly thought, "was just the SVU detectives…" The psychiatrist slipped on his coat, gathered a few files and papers in his briefcase, and left his office. He was locking his door when he heard the question.

"Whose side are you on—the department's or the cop's?"

End Chapter 21