Chapter Twenty
Descent
"Losing is a much more powerful teacher than winning." – Orson Scott Card
It took Light several long moments after first returning to consciousness to pry his eyes open. When he did, he found that the detective beside him was no longer pressed against him. He was turned away now and his face was pressed into a pillow instead, dressed in a soft white bathrobe identical to the one that Light was currently draped in as well. His tongue felt acidic, his throat was raw, his eyes were bleary and his body ached all over – though after confinement and heat, that was starting to be its constant state.
Searching his mind, Light realized that he hadn't really forgotten anything about the night before. The transitions were gone – he couldn't quite remember walking up to the elevator or the walk from the car to the building – but each place where he'd stayed still was a landmark in his mind. Naomi had driven off on her bike after they arrived at L's tower, and then Watari had led them to one of the floors specifically designed to be living quarters. He'd offered them robes, but Matsuda had collapsed on the nearest couch in the tourist clothes without bothering. Light remembered methodically undressing, before starting over to the nearest bed. Ryuzaki had tried to say something to him in protest, but had ended up crumpling onto the bed just after Light had. Watari had been decent enough to pick up the clothes they'd discarded and close the door behind them.
He remembered everything that had happened with Matsuda at the beach, calling Ryuzaki on a drunken whim, falling in the water, the entirely too affectionate train ride home –and, of course, how the man had made a fool of himself by showing up drunk as some sort of childish peace offering.
Looking at the back of L's head, Light did feel peaceful, so he supposed, in a way…
…L's plan it had worked.
He couldn't help but feel endeared by it, however imbecilic the notion had been, because the thought process behind it came from a place of acceptance. It meant that L understood, and was even receptive to the idea, that he could imagine that Light would hate more than anything to be out of his head in L's presence again –
God, why was that so -?
What the hell gave L the right to just -? To just waltz in like this and break down every part of him that had reconciled with the notion of being alone?
Who said you could make me feel like this? How dare you make me want to kiss you so badly?
That was probably what the man had been going for. He'd thought ahead in ways Light hadn't been able to at the time, had assumed that Light would come to this conclusion and be –mildly –charmed by it. Had known that it would have this effect on him, the conniving little—
It was infuriating to a degree that made him want to strangle the bastard in his sleep, because he really didn't want that at all. The contradiction had burrowed itself, arrow-like, into his chest, its teeth sinking and refusing to release; he was so tired of the confusion, he just wanted to make sense of himself.
Light gingerly pushed himself up into a sitting position, his eyes and temples throbbing as he did so. The more awake he became, the more aware of his body he was, each tender place making itself known.
It wasn't as bad as most people made it out to be, Light decided, but that could have been him thinking to the last month and a half of relative torture.
His eyes searched for the time, and landed on a digital clock that read just passed ten in the morning. Beside the clock was a large glass of water and two pills, no doubt left for him by their enigmatic caretaker. A glance over his shoulder told him that a similar set up was on L's bedside table as well.
It had been about seven or eight hours since his last drink, so he was well and truly sober, but he didn't feel like himself just yet. Light could still smell the salt water on his skin and the alcohol on his breath, could feel the specks of sand here and there that still clung to his legs after wading through the tide.
Light gathered himself up and stood slowly, not ready to face the still sleeping detective just yet (if he wasn't faking just to avoid him for the same reason ), then made his way into the bathroom for a shower.
Looking in the mirror was a mistake – his eyes were slightly bloodshot and he still appeared to be horribly tired, his hair matted from drying without conditioning of any sort. Splashing his face with cold water brushing his teeth and combing his hair did wonders, but he still didn't look his best. Walking into the task force looking this was not an option; Too many of the people he respected would be working diligently and he had no desire to show himself to them in such a state.
He turned the shower on hot and letting it run for a while, hoping the steam would clear his head. He took off his watch and set it on the counter carefully, not too close to the edge or the bowl. It was mostly water proof, and hadn't seemed to have stopped working, which he was relieved to see. He'd forgotten to take it off before falling asleep the night before—unsurprisingly –and it had made indentations on the smooth skin of his left wrist.
The fingertips of his right hand traced over the indentations, and Ryuzaki's face came to mind for no real reason at all.
No reason whatsoever for an Omega to think of an Alpha while touching their wrist.
Not a damn one.
For the next several minutes, Light sat on the edge of the tub as the water beat against the tiled walls and the smooth bottom of the tub, pattering hollowly against the bathmat. He wanted to shower, but he also felt a strange distance to the idea - part of his mind was still in the next room. Ryuzaki was a mystery –L wasn't even his true name – and not knowing anything about him was maddening as well as intriguing.
Perhaps that's all this was. Light finally taking interest in something that challenged him; it didn't have to be anything else. That's what he'd been telling himself, for the last couple days, for the last couple months. They didn't have to be 'perfect together' or soulmates or anything more than a fascinating partnership, and yet -
And yet, thinking back on L's voice in his ear was physically arousing. There was no delicate way to skirt around the issue. He was undeniable attracted to Ryuzaki in a way he'd never really experienced before. There may have been moments with Takada, glimmers of something, but he hadn't allowed himself to entertain the idea back then. His second gender had been terrifying and romance unimportant in general when he looked at the larger picture, of work, of justice, of just passing the time before he choked on monotony.
He could blame it on biology, that was true, but if that were the case, certainly there would have been others. He was surrounded by Alphas in his field. Was he just attracted to L's mind then? Well, his mind and his voice?
And perhaps occasionally the way his hands moved, elegant in an odd way, long fingers and smooth palms. Occasionally, Light's eyes were also drawn to his shoulders despite his hideous posture, his prominent collarbones leading up the line of his neck. It wasn't a bad face, either, except for the startlingly large, black eyes –
Perhaps a few things other than L's mind then.
Fine. Fine, he could deal with that. He was attracted to L and that was just a fact of life now, wasn't it? It might have been easy to leave it at that, to accept that it was what it was, and to just move on. There was no need to complicate matters, no need to reassert how lost in his own body he was.
But L was on the other side of that door right now, and he'd never quite given him an answer. He'd called him, but all they'd done was bicker and flirt awkwardly.
He didn't owe Ryuzaki anything. Perhaps though –and it seemed such a outlandish thing to be tormented about after all this time –but perhaps –
There was a knock on the bathroom door, two quick raps of hard knuckles on wood.
"Light-kun has been in the bathroom with the water running for fifteen minutes, but he has yet to actually get in the water. Is something the matter?
"You're rich, what do you care?" was Light's immediate response, speaking over the water. He rubbed at his eyes, then paused, looking up at the door. "How did you know I wasn't – ah, the sound."
"Yes," the voice agreed. "Next time, Light-kun may want to opt for a bath if he intends on running up the water bill unnecessarily. It's much more difficult to tell that way."
"Noted."
There was silence after that, and instead of getting into the shower, Light reached in and turned the water off. He couldn't explain his aversion at the moment, couldn't quite understand why he didn't just jump in and wash away everything that had occurred the night before.
He stood up and made his way to the door. It opened inward, so he let it fall open the rest of the way, only realizing how warm it had become in the bathroom as he did so. L was still standing there, which was somehow not a shock, and for some reason it was almost as hard to meet his eyes as it had been the day after his heat. All they'd done was slept in the same bed, but somehow that was just almost as intimate.
As always, he managed it, no matter how uncomfortable it was. Light straightened the bathrobe around himself, then crossed his arms and leaned in the doorway, taking the man in.
Ryuzaki looked the same as he always did – he'd even dressed in his signature ensemble already. The only difference was that his hair was more matted and his eyes more tired than usual.
"My phone is ruined, thanks to you," Light told him, and while he wasn't sure why that was the first thing that came to mind, it was the truth. His phone had been in his pocket when they'd fallen into the water. It was likely unsalvageable.
"Light-kun called my emergency number. We would have had to destroy it anyway," L replied flippantly, shoving his hands into his pockets. "I'll buy him a new one."
Light's eyebrow twitched upward. "You will, will you?"
"Yes," L confirmed, then looked up at the ceiling. "Rather, I'll have Watari purchase one."
"Right."
"It should also be noted that Watari is the wealthy one, technically."
This nugget of information was more than he'd expected and it had come out of the blue, for no real reason in particular. L stood there in front of him, not looking at him, close enough to seem engaged in this interaction without being so close as to trap him in the doorway.
The body language was subtle but Light knew what to look for, knew how to read the signs of someone treading lightly around him. His father had been doing it, though without as much delicacy. Despite L's apparently unsophisticated appearance, he always seemed completely aware of himself in the same way Light did – always knew exactly how to hold himself to garner the desired response from those around him.
It was irritating that the man felt the need to consciously consider his actions, his proximity, to make Light feel at ease in his presence –but what was ever more irritating was that it seemed to be working.
Decide. Yes or no. Maybe leaves you open, leaves you thinking too hard, doing stupid things like last night.
Light's crossed arms loosened, though they did not unfold completely as he considered what to say next. Clearly, this was where they were supposed to have a discussion of some kind. He considered opening with some sort of preface – "Let's sit down" perhaps, or "we should talk" but they both seemed elementary and predictable.
So, he decided to start off with a demand.
"I want you to be honest with me. As honest as someone like you can be." He shifted his shoulder against the doorframe, and when L looked at him, he caught his eye firmly. "I'll try to do the same."
If Ryuzaki was caught off guard, he didn't show it. He looked at him passively for a moment, before turning on his heel and going back to the bed. The detective seated himself on the bed, surprising Light when he didn't pull his legs up to his chest right off the bat. His shoulders seemed to be falling, overall posture straightening, though it was still nowhere near what it should have been. It was veering in the direction of someone who simply spent a lot of time on computers, rather than someone that was part ape.
Light's eyes narrowed at him, feeling his skin prickling slightly at the sight.
"I can't make any promises, but I'll certainly do my best," L informed him, pressing his thumb to the corner of his lip. "If you do, of course."
Is this you trying to be honest with me? A lot more has been asked of me that it has been of you – it's only fair for you to give something up for me in return. Your safety net. I want you as unprotected as I am when I'm with you.
It took a moment for him to think of where to start – how to redefine, to redraw the lines that had been skewed by their personas. Neither of them were ever entirely themselves while in the company of others.
"Do you still think I'm Kira?" Light finally asked, outright. "Even a percentage point counts, so don't try it."
L had the audacity to hesitate before replying, somewhat reluctantly. ""No, not anymore. We wouldn't be having this conversation if I still suspected you."
"No, we wouldn't," Light agreed, "But you think I could be. You think I have it in me."
"I think many people have it in them," L started in that almost detached way; the way he might have spoken to his father on the subject. He seemed to catch himself, his mouth pulling tighter into a frown. "But yes, I do think that you in particular have the intelligence, the twisted moral compass and the ...tenacity."
Tenacity. The drive to murder, and murder, and murder again for a noble cause. Somehow it was both compliment and offence.
"You wanted me to be Kira, didn't you?" Light questioned, gaze hardening again.
He wasn't sure what he'd anticipated might be the answer – perhaps that L would say something rude and sulky and that Light would want to hit him again. Maybe L would lie to him outright, tell him that he had been completely objective in his suspicions of him, and Light would know that it was a lie and want to hit him again.
But he'd expected a little more than the calm, quick, unwavering "Yes." that Ryuzaki gave him.
"Is this usually how you seduce someone? Tell them you think them capable of murder – tell them you wanted them to be your … supernatural to-the-death nemesis of some kind?"
The prospect was laughable, but then, he supposed (considering Kira and all of the things he could somehow do) not all that invalid. That thumb was at L's mouth and he was tilting his head, a small smile tugging at his lips.
"Is it working?"
Flirting again already? Honestly. Light would be the one to dictate when and if the flirting would begin. He was trying to set things straight in his head, he couldn't proceed with his decision – if he had even decided – until he lay a few things out on the table.
"No. Kira is an abomination, even if I do understand the basis of his actions. He deserves to die."
L peered at him quietly for a moment after his grin had faded, and though his face barely twitched, Light had a feeling he was thinking reproachful things.
"That thought pattern is only proving my point."
"I know; I don't care, it's the truth," Light gave a slight waving gesture with his hand. He was being a bit – abrasive. More aggressive with his wording that he usually was outwardly. This was a subject he could be frank about without too much difficulty, when it wasn't his father or …co-workers. "Execution might be too good for him, actually. He'd probably go down as a martyr at this rate."
"Yes, that's an unfortunate reality." L commented, but his eyes took on a disinterested quality. He didn't like thinking about the current hopelessness of the Kira case – it depressed him. Light was briefly aggravated by the sulking and it only spurred his next question on.
"If I had been Kira, would you have executed me?"
L hesitated, blinking, "I thought you didn't like to think hypothetically."
Light ignored the evasion. "You said in your broadcast - well, Lind L. Tailor said it, but I'm sure you dictated his words - that you would ensure his execution."
"That was a long time ago."
Another evasion. L wasn't playing by the rules.
"You're not answering my question," Light snapped, brow creasing.
"Fine." L sighed, leaning back on the bed, which only stretched his long torso out more, pulling one leg up to brace his heel on the mattress. "Yes. I did briefly considered how I might present a case for capital punishment against an Omega - I don't know if most world governments would go for it. You must realize how few Omegas are put on Death Row – and those that have are still in prison awaiting execution; it simply hasn't happened. Why are we talking about this?"
"When did you figure it out?" The questions were coming easier now, as were L's answers.
"That you were an Omega," L clarified.
"Obviously," Light tucked his arms a little closer to himself. L's dark eyes flickered to them briefly before raising back to his eyes. "Did you manage to get into my safe somehow - have you known from the beginning?"
"No, I figured it out one night - it was nothing you did or didn't do –"There was a poignant beat that Light didn't miss, a breath where it didn't belong. "Consciously. Your disguise was very well crafted."
"Consciously," Light felt himself bristle at the thought that he'd done something overtly Omegan in L's presence without thinking about it – that he'd done anything without thinking about it. "Are you implying there was something I did subconsciously?"
"Unconsciously."
What? When I was unconscious – asleep? When was the last time that I was asleep in his presence, that isn't exactly a common thing, despite last night. Of course, when I fainted, and there was that night I fell asleep on the desk and L actually broke a teacup on purpose just to grate on my –
"...When you dropped the teacup," Light realized, moving a bit to change positions against the door way. Staying still too long still made him stiff. He needed to stay active, after confinement, and he hadn't done his physical therapy routine since the night before.
"Indeed."
The idea was more mortifying than he cared to display. Light restrained the cringe that wanted to tug at his features, glancing down at his fingernails in a fashion meant to look idle. "What did I do?"
"I went to wake you up, and you leaned into my touch."
"Perfect. So you breaking the teacup was a professional courtesy."
"An unprofessional courtesy."
His stomach curdled and he scowled, "Because you were suddenly interested."
"I was already interested."
Light's unpleasant facial expression faltered, not entirely sure what to say to that. It wasn't that farfetched – plenty of people had been interested in him as a Beta, but it was also so much easier to place the blame on his gender. He hesitated for a moment, gaze leaving L's for a fleeting moment.
He considered just going for it, for whatever, it wasn't like L would stop him – obviously, he was wanted. L wanted him. He could draw this out or cut it off, and either way L would still be there, treating him the way he always had. Perhaps, though, with a new layer, new touches, a new side to them both that was as thrilling as it was alarming.
Instead, to keep leading the conversation, he changed the subject again.
"You tortured me."
"A means to an end," L didn't even seem offended by this, though he scratched the back of his head. Was he uncomfortable with the attack? Well, it was about time he was the one on the defensive. "Surely you, of all people, can understand that."
He could. Of course, he could, but it had been necessary to get that out. To let it stretch out in the air between them as an assertion that he knew, he remembered, that it was still in his head to an extent. It would be there for a while, he was sure, talons in the back of his head, but he wouldn't allow it to change him. It had been to further the case with Kira, and Light could understand every choice L had made, even if that murderous bastard Kira had basically invalidated it with his broadcast.
Light pushed himself away from the wall, his lowering to his sides. His eyes were firmly on L again, glowering at him as if the man were responsible for what he was about to do entirely. He wasn't though, this was Light's resolution, independent of any outside factors like instinct, meddling detectives and magic killers.
For fucking once.
It only took a few steps to close the distance between them, to put his hand on the man's knee and push it down, then plant his own knees on either side of the man to straddle him. The entire time he'd approached, L's face had been mostly blank, but this had those dark eyes widening.
"This doesn't mean I forgive you," Light asserted, then lowered his head to kiss him.
It was neither timid nor heated; it was firm and curious as he took in the feel of L's mouth against his own. There were hands on his waist, pulling him gently closer and Light let them as he flicked his tongue against the man's bottom lip. He'd kissed before, and he'd found the act mildly enjoyable, though he'd never loved the prospect of wet tongues flailing against each other. He had no interest in climbing down anyone's throat or vice versa, the way their mouths gave against one another was an soft kind of intimacy that seemed natural, seemed right.
Light broke the kiss, but didn't open his eyes; he wasn't entire sure when he'd closed them. There was a span of quiet, one that consisted of nothing but their breaths, before Light felt L's forehead brushing against his own.
"We're probably bad for each other."
"Maybe we are." L didn't bother to disagree, just drew him in and kissed him again, lingering. His lips brushed against Light as he continued, hands never still, tracing the line of Light's hips with his thumbs through the robe. "I'm quite willing to take that chance."
"You've been speaking normally, this whole time." Light's fingers slid experimentally in the thick dark hair, leaning back for a moment to meet L's eyes. "No third person, no 'Light-kun'."
"You asked me to be honest," replied the detective, giving a one shouldered shrug.
Light kissed him again then, harder this time, and L responded in time. There was still something soft about the older man's mouth, the way it gave and pressed and pried. The little wisps of tongue here and there were not overbearing and when the teeth dragged over his lip it was in little nips and scratches, even when L's hands all but clawed at him to bring him closer. Light's hands wound in the thick tresses, fingers tightening; the groan the reverberated against his mouth was rewarding. Even someone like L could make sounds like that - it was good to know.
The dark tresses his own fingers were wound in still smelled of the salt water they'd fallen into. When L's hands dropped, slid down his sides and over his thighs Light felt warmth pool suddenly in the pit of his stomach.
He couldn't remember the last time he'd been physically aroused in someone's presence; outside of heat, it was a nonissue. He didn't have time, couldn't care less, didn't have the interest, but L's hands dragged down his legs over the cotton of his robe and that was –
Once again, Light moved away, this time without his breath entirely intact. One of his hands slipped out of L's hair as he did so, then lowered to tug at the tie of his robe until it unfastened and fell open.
Dark eyes were on him, trailing over the line of the new skin that had been exposed and then yanking up to the ceiling. The hands tightened and for a second, L pursed his faintly kiss-swollen lips.
"Light-kun must think I'm a saint."
"Kind of hoping you aren't, actually," Light countered, grasping on of L's wrists to pull his hand away from where it was on his waist, only to put it in almost exactly the same spot – this time beneath the fabric.
"That's –"
L didn't finish, just pressed his hands flat to the line of him, had his other hand join it and grabbed, hauled Light further into his lap and proceeded to caress every indentation with his palms and fingertips. The places he touched were left warm in the wake of his skin, first up his ribs to brush over the darker circles of skin fleetingly and then back to trace over his shoulder blades. They reconnected the kiss as his hands dragged downward, the touch lighter as he moved over the curve of Light's backside, then down a bit, between his thighs to ease them open further.
Breath hitching, Light broke the kiss again and rolled his shoulders, until the robe fell away. He watched the flicker of L's eyes, and was pleased that he'd surprised the man. Light helped L remove his shirt as well, the man's hands leaving him reluctantly only to return immediately. No, not quiet immediately. They moved forward to claim the skin again, then hesitated for a moment, before pressing smoothly back to the skin of Light's sides.
You looked surprised - did you not expect me to take it this far?
"I'm not sure how it will be, with my suppressants." Light told him quietly, as vague as possible. He'd avoided sex in part because he hadn't been how the suppressants would work during intercourse. If he true aroused and a person saw him self-lubricating, then it would be a dead giveaway – now, however, he wasn't sure if he'd be able to produce enough slick even if they tried.
Light pressed kisses over L's jaw to disguise the fact that he was planning on hiding by the man's neck as this progressed. If L saw through it, he didn't complain, and Light enjoyed the shudder he managed to pull out of him. There was power in this too, he was finding, pressing his hands over the visible ribs and but the nearly gaunt chest, then his shoulders.
One of those hands left his hip and L suddenly leaned over to the bedside table, pulled open a draw and plucked a container of lubricant.
It was only Light's raised eyebrow that made the man explain himself.
"Despite my sometimes childish demeanor, I am a grown man with an average libido. It's not such an odd thing to have."
True. I suppose it's difficult to imagine you in here masturbating so regularly.
"Do you happen to have a condom in there?" Light inquired, remembering that such a thing was the general protocol for casual sex – if that was even what this was. It didn't seem casual, it seemed…intense in a way that all of their interactions were; even their flirtations seemed almost deliberate at times.
For several seconds, Light could almost feel the beast of an Omega tearing his way out of him. Yes, yes, yes, it chanted from the depths of his primal self. The prospect of L inside him, all smooth skin and heat, was enough to make his stomach coil hotly. Light licked the back of his teeth and prepared himself to offer it, strangling the eager part of him and hoping he sounded fucking practical and not like the prospect of L coming inside him was perfect, perfect –
"I'm on birth control." The wording felt graceless on his tongue. It annoyed him, that he had to say these things out loud, but he'd fucking decided on this, damn it, and of course neither of them had exactly planned this, but – "…I'm clean."
Obviously.
Ryuzai paused beneath him for a long moment, but Light could see his hand tightening on the bottle of lubricant. If it had been opened, no doubt it would have leaked all down his hand – no doubt the Alpha in him was fond of the idea as well.
"As am I –"
"Good," Light pressed his mouth to the skin just beneath L's jaw once more. "That's settled then."
"…There's no reason I need to fuck you right this moment," L swallowed hard; Light watched his Adams apple dip. "There are many other things we can do."
"Don't be stupid," Light sat up straight, allowing his exasperation to show. "Just get on with it."
With that, Light was kissing him to shut him up and also to calm his own nerves. He was aroused and nude across L's knees, his heart in his ears as he dragged L closer once again by the hands in his hair. Hands were back on him for a moment, slipping between his thighs to brush against the delicate skin and smooth over the hardening length of him, just tender teasing touches before L pulled away to spread the lubricant on his fingers.
Light once again hid in the crook of the man's neck, distracting himself with kisses as one of L's hands slid up and down his side, memorizing every line. The other dipped between his cheeks and pressed against the pucker of muscle there, fingers slippery and delicate but sure.
The man spent an obnoxious amount of time circling the flesh there, kneading at his entrance in soothing repetitive motions that were much too pleasant for how simple they were .Light was about to reiterate –get on with it – when L pressed a long finger inside, smooth and deep. Light's breath stuttered in his chest and his fingers tightened in L's hair
"Alright?" L breathed, pressing his mouth hotly just below his ear.
"Yeah – ah –" Light shuddered bodily as he pressed the finger deeper, bent it at the knuckle and oh –
L remembered where his prostate was and that wasn't a shock, but how very sensitive it was even now without the heat in his veins was. He felt his hips twitch of their own accord and he bit his lip to quiet himself as L pressed in and out in shallow motions, again and again. The tip of his finger dragged again and again over the bundle of nerves within him and when one finger turned to two – which was uncomfortable, he found, though he didn't bother voicing it – Light ducked his head and gasped against the skin of L's shoulder.
It didn't take long for Light to realize he needn't have been concerned for the state of his body. The lubricant had eased the way, but his body was now doing the rest, growing more and more wet with every pass of those fingers.
A third joined the first two and that hurt, fuck, that hurt, but Light just panted against the line of L's throat and made himself tilt his hips as if it wasn't an unpleasant sensation. Damn it, wasn't this what his body was made for? Why was that stretch so painful? L's mouth was on his throat, kissing warm lines up and down and nipping at his ear and he just – fuck, he didn't to get the pain over with and at this rate it was going to take ages –
Light reached down and undid the zipper of L's jeans, murmuring against the shell of the detective's ear. "I'm good, let's just get you out of these."
The growl in his ear was almost enough to make him forget the horrible ache inside him. The fingers slid out, and in a frenzy of motions L was pulling himself free and coating himself generously with slick. Light secured his arms around those shoulders to keep himself steady, and it made him feel a bit better to see L's hands quivering before they pressed to his hips and guided him into place.
He didn't push Light down, just let the tip of him position again Light's opening. From there, Light let himself sink, but if three fingers had hurt this was – worse. This didn't ache, it seared, split him open and made his legs shake as he attempted to lower himself.
Just do it, fuck, it doesn't matter, it'll get better once you get used to it, just get it over with—
Arms tightened around L's shoulders and his breath choked in the back of his throat as he kept the pain in to the best of his ability. His eyes stung as he managed to take in another in but even with the lubricant and slick combined there was resistance causing acute pain to spread up his spine. L's hands slid up and down his sides and then halted when they reached Light's legs, feeling them quake beneath his fingers no doubt.
"Does it hurt?"
What do you think?
"It's –hnh, fine," Light managed, and L's entire body seemed to wind up.
"That isn't an answer." He grasped Light's legs a little more firmly. "Does. It. Hurt?"
"I said it's fi—ne." Even as Light tried to force annoyance into his voice, the assertion that he was fine cracked sharply when he tried to take in more.
"It isn't fine," muttered the detective, and Light felt the unpleasant pull of his walls as the he started to leave. The outward motion was even more uncomfortable than the inward. Even though Light bit his lip, a strained sound puled in his throat, which no doubt reaffirmed L in his decision. "I'm pulling out."
"Wait -for the love of God –" Light started breathlessly, but before he knew it L's cock had left him entirely and he was left to catch his breath. "I didn't say you had to do that."
"You didn't tell me I shouldn't," L stated coolly, leaning back to take in Light's face.
Light didn't like being scrutinized. He bit out, "I'm not going to beg."
"Apparently, you aren't going to complain either, even when you should," L was actually glaring at him, as if he'd done something wrong. "Here I thought we'd decided to try honesty, for once."
"…That wasn't – " Light huffed, drawing back and averting his eyes. "Fine, it hurt. A lot. I was trying to bear with it. What do you want from me?"
"I want you to tell me how I can make it better." L's voice lowered with frustration. "This is going to be better than before. You're not going to suffer this."
Light narrowed his eyes at the man, opened his mouth to respond and then shut it when he felt the fingers back, tracing down the cleft of his cheeks. Light's eyes flickered back open with surprise. So you're still going, just not -?
"You were alright with two, weren't you?" L murmured, leaning in to press his mouth to Light's collarbone. "We'll go back to that, for now."
Light released a breath, pretending it was a chore, irritated by the tenderness but also secretly relieved.
"Alright."
Instead of immediately sinking the fingers back in, L was grasping his hips and turning them both, lying Light on his back. For an several seconds, L was above him and Light's vision was of lean lines and strong arms and dark hair.
"If you can't tell me when I'm hurting you, I want to watch your face the whole time," L informed him, eyes focused and penetrating him. Light's stomach twisted uncomfortably at the idea. "I know you don't want that. I am attempting to do this on your terms, but that is my condition."
Light rolled his eyes at the absurdity of it. "Fine –whatever, I'll tell you if it hurts. Happy?"
"Delighted," L drawled, then put a hand on Light's hip, pushing a bit to lead him into position. "Now, turn on your side. We're going to try this like before. It's easier."
Like before. That was another thing that stroked the baser parts of him for no real reason in particular. Light swallowed and turned onto his side and L slid into place behind him, but unlike before he pressed a leg in between Light's to keep them slightly parted as his fingers pushed back into place.
They slid deep, just the two of them and that felt good. Light's back arched and he pressed cheek to the sheets, his fingers curling in the fabric to steady himself.
"Does this feel good?" God, that voice in his ear was going to absolutely ruin him.
"Yeah –ahh-" Light breathed out the answer and was cut off as the tips of those fingers pressed against his spot and ground there, leaving his lungs without oxygen and his vision without focus.
"Good, just…there, is this alright?"
"Yes, I said yes, just –oh, fuck –knhn…" Light turned his face further into the fabric and inhaled sharply there as the fingers curled and moved, starting a fluid, shallow movement so that each press left him without enough air. He felt his own hips reaching toward the touch, felt the mouth at his ear, pressing kisses to the skin just behind.
"There you go."
There he went, a blur of warmth and pleasure as those fingers worked him open. Just that was enough when L pressed so precisely, and Light bit out his moans into the sheets just like before. The wet sounds were low and vulgar under the parade of sounds that came out of Light's mouth and the low nonsense that came out of L's. After a while, it felt like two fingers were no longer enough, and he managed to breath out a demanding complaint about L's infuriating cautiousness as a way of asking for it.
Slower than before, and only after more application of lubricant, Light was accepting all three without any genuine discomfort. It took getting used to, but he was learning how to open up, and when he did – god, when he did, he was spoiled for anything else.
He felt himself rising toward completion, felt his stomach collecting heat and tension pulling taut there in preparation. L slid and arm beneath him, pulled him closer and let that hand drop to curl around Light's erection. Light bucked and he grasped L's arm, clenching a bit on the still effortlessly thrusting fingers.
"Ryuzaki, don't, gnh, if you –" He closed his eyes tightly, felt himself already growing close with just the man holding him while those digits pumped into him, and he didn't want it to be over, but he did, but he didn't. "I'll –I'll come."
"That's rather the point." The reply was amused, almost a chuckle, and three or four strokes later a whine strung out between Light's clenched teeth as he came into L's hand. He could feel the fingers even more clearly as he convulsed around them, left gasping and shuddering as L massaged his prostate through every spasm of the aftermath.
Light felt fluid, every muscle in him seeming to release. He caught his breath just as the detective was sliding his hands away, and Light caught the one that had been around his cock to get his attention before he pulled too far away.
"Go on," Light told him, licking his lips. He tasted salt. "I…might be able to take it now."
There was a short hesitation. "This isn't something we have to do this very moment –"
"I know that," Light snapped at him, casting a sharp glance over his shoulder. "I know, you've made that clear, now shut up and just try it again, will you?"
He did, after once again lubricating himself to the point where Light might have called it excess, pressing the tip of himself inside.
"Slowly, slowly," L assured him, though his voice was rough with restraint. "Not going to go any deeper than this – is this good? Try to open up for me."
After a few disjointed thrusts, hitched breaths and groans as L controlled the speed and depth to the best of his ability. His fingers dug into Light's hip, managing enough so that the ridge of his cock raked over the sensitive spot inside of him with every little motion. He felt himself hardening again despite having only come minutes before, aching and starting to squirm when the motions wore at the sensitive place inside.
"Come on, let me, that's it. Do you want to try it a little deeper?"
Light managed a delirious little nod. The hand that had been on top of his hip slid down in a purposeful motion, as if he'd thought about doing this exact thing before, grasped the underside of Light's knee, lifted and pulled him open. Light gave a choked sound of pain at the gnawing soreness that crept up his spine as L pressed in a little further just once.
"Too much?"
"Fuck, I – yeah, I can't –" Light admitted, tensing up a bit until the fullness retreated back to a comfortable level.
"Sh, sh, that's fine – good," L kissed his neck heatedly, saying 'good' like one might say 'thank you' and only pressing those few inches that Light could take in, again and again. "Go on, go on, just like this."
Just like that, for another series of pleasure hazed minutes, rocking together in languid motions like the gentle tides of the beach they still smelled of.
"I won't last much longer." The voice in his ear assured him, an edge to his tone that was more attractive than it had any right to be. "You still want me to -?"
Fuck you for making me say it, you idiot, you bastard, fucking hate your stupid voice and hands and–
"God, shut up, shut up, I – yes, just –" He heard himself whisper, trying to hold onto his words as they threatened to slip away from him. The motions were shallower, quicker, never leaving him entirely, and so tip of L's cock only worried his prostate more and more with every second the older man grew closer.
L gathered him closer, pulled him hard against his chest as his motions grew slightly more erratic, but he was never so clumsy as to take more inches than he'd been allowed. Before long, L was groaning into the nape of Light's neck, clutching him tightly as he came inside. Though Light had not managed to come a second time, heat of L's seed filling him in a way that was divine bliss on a visceral level that he couldn't completely comprehend or deny.
It was several long minutes of neck and shoulder kisses before L eased himself out of him. It was yet another few before the Alpha drew him into the shower to finger him open under the translucent guise of hygiene until Light was coming again and trying even harder not to cry out now that the acoustics were so unforgiving.
It went on like that for the next several days. Light came back to work on the Kira case, postponed his resignation with the excuse that he needed more time to recover and draft a delicately worded email to his superiors, and each of them worked later than anyone else could manage to, which was nothing new. When the last person had left –generally Naomi, who also appeared to have no social life to speak of – they retreated to L's quarters to continue their explorations.
The second night, while Light was still annoyingly sore, they kissed and felt one another up like adolescents and then spoke about a dozen topics at length, from the ludicrous notion of brain power burning calories to the possibilities of Kira's supernatural powers, before Light inevitably became too tired to carry on and had Watari drive him home.
Another night was full of lazy, open-mouthed kisses as they used their hands on one another, tasting every breath the other managed on their tongues. One night, they didn't make back to bed at all; L had him on the couch, on his back with Light's knees hooked over his elbows as he took him slow and deep, until Light ripped the fabric of L's cotton shirt at the shoulder while trying to keep the finishing cry quiet.
It was intimate, but it was also exhilarating, in the way that the tennis match had been. Heart racing, blood singing in his veins, Light sometimes couldn't believe how much damned fun sex with the detective had turned out to be.
Even so, he didn't spend the night in L's bed at all and he wasn't questioned about it. The question had probably crossed the man's mind – most questions probably had, to be fair – but he allowed him to go without comment. Light needed his space, but even more than that, he needed to be able to recover from his night terrors in peace. If there was anything that could break the spell of this affair, which had been going so well, it was Ryuzaki witnessing his reaction to a nightmare that was induced by trauma L had technically caused.
On the fourth night, while coming home from Kira headquarters, Light received a call from his father at two in the morning. He hesitated to answer it, but it was so late his mind jumped to the possibility of an emergency.
"Light –you're still up."
"Yes," Light confirmed, however redundant it was. "I am – it's a bit late for you, isn't it, dad?"
"I haven't been sleeping well, since that day," He could hear the breath, gruff and heavy, as it fell from his father's chest. It was obvious what night he'd been thinking about. Light supposed it couldn't have been easy on him either. He wondered if his father saw his face contorted in terror in the middle of the night. "I thought perhaps you might be having the same issue."
"I'm headed home – I was working until a few minutes ago."
Light thought he saw Watari's eyebrow quirk in the rearview mirror, but it could have been his imagination.
"I see. Of course, you're very dedicated, I should have known." There was a pause on his father's end of the line, but one that held the significance of someone who was not yet done talking. "Both you and Ryuzaki are quite diligent young men."
He could guess what his father really wanted to ask about – it had been almost a week since their talk about the NPA. He'd been able to tell Mogi without much trouble, but that was just one unimportant person. The man had blinked at him several times and frowned, taking a while to let it sink in, before thanking Light for telling him and then getting back to work. It had been by far the most casual reaction Light had encountered.
"Listen," Light started out, bracing himself. "I just need a little time before I tell them to get my words together. I still intend to do it."
"This isn't about that, Light, no – well, not really."
Light let himself breathe for a moment. "Oh, I apologize for presuming."
"… I have responsibility to you as a parent, but also as Chief of the NPA." His father's voice sounded tired. "I've tried to be a good father to you and to your sister, so I'm – I'm sorry, if I've allowed my job to get in the way of that."
The sentiment seemed out of place. Was his father trying to say that he'd changed his mind? No, no, of course he hadn't but – perhaps he was trying to show some solidarity. To show that he had thought about how it would affect Light. Perhaps he even wanted Light to bring up how much he loathed the idea of coming out as Omega to the NPA.
Unfortunately, his father didn't know his son's mind; Light would never confess anything of the sort.
"You're just trying to do what's right."
Cliché, Light though, but that was what his father's entire mindset boiled down to.
"I know, I just feel..." His father trailed off for a moment. "I support you, Light. I'm proud of you. I count on you more than you probably count on me. I just want you to know that. As long as you're happy, then no matter what, no matter who, inspires that in you, I just…"
"Dad, you sound really tired," Light told him as gently as possible when his father had a break in his stream of exhausted babble. "You should really try to go back to sleep."
"…You're probably right."
"Give Mom and Sayu my best when they wake up. I'll come have dinner again soon, when I have the time."
"Good night, son."
"Good night, dad."
"It's Valentine's Day tomorrow," L announced as he shifted against him, which only made on of his boney shoulders press painfully into his side. Light moved until he was comfortable again, securing his arms behind his head to prop himself up.
"Today," Light corrected, disinterested.
"Is Light-kun going to get me chocolate?"
Light scowled at the wording. Now that he heard L so often in private without it, it grated on his nerves to no end.
"No, I'm not a girl."
"I suppose I'll have buy some for you then," L informed him, propping his chin on his chest and peering up at him with wide eyes. Light moved one of his arms to swat him away, rolling his eyes and staring at the ceiling.
"I don't like chocolate."
"I suppose I'll have to eat it for you."
Light snorted in amusement. "I see. Ulterior motives."
"That's quite harsh," L mumbled, thumbing his bottom lip. "Light-kun seems to be implying that I'm not romantic. I find that to be an unfair judgment."
"Life isn't fair," Light said flippantly, his gaze once again pulling toward the ceiling. It had been a week now since the dinner with his family and he still hadn't written his resignation letter for the NPA. His father wouldn't let it lie for much longer. From below, Ryuzaki's head tilted to prompt him; Light supposed he wasn't being very subtle about his mind being elsewhere. There was no harm in it at this point. "I'm going to quit the NPA."
There was a considerate interlude before L stated, "Yes, I thought you might."
"Of course you did," Light scoffed, though he couldn't bring himself to be startled by the revelation. "Not going to try to talk me out of it?"
"Do you want me to?"
"No."
"Besides," L intoned, trailing a finger down to wipe away a line of perspiration. "Doing so would hardly suit my purposes."
Light's mouth quirked. "Your purposes."
"If you're amendable."
"To what, exactly?" Light taunted, raising his eyebrows.
"I apologize – I was under the impression that Light-kun was a brilliant man," L frowned exaggeratedly. "If he isn't able to figure out what I'm offering, then he isn't fit for the position."
Light knocked L off of him, aggravated mostly in jest. "I will leave right this second –"
"But Light-kun –" L simpered mockingly, grasping Light as he started away and pulling him closer, while Light semi-reluctantly allowed him to.
"And if you don't stop saying 'Light-kun' repeatedly, I might have to punch you again."
The work day consisted entirely of those that did not have a significant other that they had taken the time to visit. Light's father was spending the day at home with his mother, while Mogi and Aizawa did the same with their wife and girlfriend, respectively.
Naomi was lounging on her stomach across the couch, her laptop in front of her and her legs kicked up behind her as Matsuda sat in a chair nearby with his shoes off and his headphones on. Light had to wonder if he was even doing his work – keeping up with Kira sites, blogs and any video or social media that might be relevant to the case – or if he was just paying around.
Not that Light could really blame him. While he and L both had their own projects that they were working on simultaneously, they also had a private online chess match going on in a separate tab.
After Light's confinement and the subsequent hack that had proved Kira to be more resourceful than ever expected, the Kira case had lulled to nothing. It was after 3PM and Light was working as much as was possible, considering the lack of new information. Kira killed people brutally now as he always had, but they were just as much at a loss for how he did it as they were nearly three months before.
At some point, L started tracing his fingertips over the line of Light's knuckles idly. They couldn't be seen from this position, at least not in enough detail to draw the attention of the two across the room from them.
"We could go away, just for a bit," L offered quietly, turning Light's hand over and tracing the life lines on his palm, the smoothing the pad of his thumb over his wrist. Light felt a warm shiver rake down his spine and he was tempted.
"They'd probably suspect."
"They might actually enjoy some alone time themselves," L pronounced slowly, as he tucked his chin onto his knees and looked up at Light through the fringe of his hair.
Light raised his eyebrows and glanced over to where the two of them were sitting. Occasionally they would look up at each other and laugh, obviously communicating in some way through their computers privately the same way L and Light had been earlier that day.
"You think?" Light jerked his hand back, flustered when L pressed harder on the scent gland beneath the delicate skin of his wrist. "Perhaps there's something, but I doubt they've acted on it."
"Even so, we have and should continue to do so," the corner of the man's mouth pulled upward. "We could consider it a lunch break."
"We haven't made any progress today. We need to get some work done – we'll have plenty of time tonight."
Light enjoyed being withholding from time to time, even if it was something he wanted as well. Just for the sake of it, he stood fast on his position, uncrossing and crossing his legs again to draw L's attention to them as he sulked.
A sudden shout from across the room broke them both out of their flirtation.
"Holy -Whoa, hey, I – this is crazy, guys come look at this!"
"Matsuda," Naomi started, tone placating, "That video of the sneezing cat was very cute, but I hardly think it's –"
"No, not that!" Matsuda hopped up, shoving his laptop down haphazardly onto the coffee table. He all but sprinted over to one of the computers with a larger monitor and typed a keyword intp the search. He pulled a video up just as Naomi joined them. It looked like a low quality video taken from a cell phone. "They're all speaking English, and there's no subtitles, but it's pretty straight forward –"
"That won't be a problem," L said, as the shaky camera shot steadied and came into focus.
It was a simple scene; a pale, overweight police officer in what appeared to be some sort of rural U.S. area. Someone in the back seat was recording the incident on their phone as he questioned them, mostly asking the woman driving to show him her I.D., but even after she'd handed it over he didn't say why she'd been pulled over. After she'd asked him a few times to explain what she'd done wrong, he asked her step out of the car. When she hesitated, he repeated the demand again, louder and more aggressively, which only scared the woman into staying place.
Light's English was rusty, but he caught up a few seconds after the words were spoken, translating in his head. "Please remove yourself from the vehicle or I'll have to – "
The rude police officer suddenly cut himself off mid-sentence, and though Light couldn't see clearly due to the quality of the video, he had a sinking feeling he knew what that might mean. A weight dropped into his stomach and he almost flinched, wanted to look away. It seemed to be the same expression that had come over the judge, just before –
The police officer too out his gun and the woman screamed, holding up her hands in surrender, but the man didn't point it at her. Instead, in swift mechanical motions, he put the gun in his mouth and shot himself.
"Oh my god," Naomi breathed, closing her eyes.
"As gruesome as that was, Matsuda-san," L droned from beside him. "I don't see how it was relevant. It's just another death to log into the system –"
"But this isn't the first video I found like this – actually, if you look it up –" Matsuda's fingers were fast on the keys, though he mistyped a few things and had to backspace. "Officer Shoots Self in Missouri. Cop Kills Himself In Texas. Public Suicide of Police in Northern Ireland – Canada, China, Japan. I didn't even see all of these a minute ago! I – wow, this is bigger than I thought."
Naomi released a breath and started back over to her computer. L and Light spun back to face theirs as well, immediately starting their own research on the subject. There was a flurry of tapping keys, of new information being found almost live – it seemed that all of the deaths so far had occurred within one minute of each other, worldwide.
"Every victim seems to have some sort of history behind them – outright dirty cops, those that have abused their power, an 'justifiable homicide' that was questioned, even some that were just accused of beating their wives or mistreating their kids," Light told them all once he'd looked up over a dozen of them.
Naomi chimed in with her own information then as well. "In countries where police don't have access to guns, like in Britain and New Zealand – these corrupt cops who were never removed from the force or charged died of heart attacks instead."
"Presumably," L muttered, "Because they didn't have access guns, if we're subscribing to Matsuda's theory that the heart attacks occur when the original method does not –
In that moment, L phone went off. He glowered at it for a moment, before putting it to his ear.
Right after that, Light's new phone – the one that L had promised and had Watari deliver - rang as well. He pulled it out of his pocket and saw his mother's number.
"Mom, what is it?"
"Light-kun – " L turned to him in the same moment, the expression on his face one of pure shock, a look he didn't think he'd ever seen so clearly on the other man before.
"Light – your father, h-he's had a heart attack."
There didn't seem to be enough air in the room. The sound of his mother's voice, racked with sobs was in his ear and he did not think that was something he could handle.
"Is he - ?" The words didn't want to come out of him. They choked in his throat, as if his tongue were made of sandpaper.
"The ambulance came, but they said – they said it was too late," her voice wavered and cracked and Light's eyes stung, indignant, horrified, sorrowful, angry tears forming at the corners of his vision. His grip tightened on the phone he expected to deny it, to feel as if what his mom was about to say was impossible. Instead, absolute clarity descended on him and mind shook with the force of the idea, the awful truth of what had occurred. "Light, oh god, Light, he's gone."
Kira murdered my father.
Somehow Kira knew about the false execution– possibly through his apparent connection with Misa or through yet another near impossible hack– but the how didn't matter. That was the only explanation for why; his father was an upstanding police officer and father, but if all Kira had known of him was that he'd been willing to kill his own son -
Light slammed his fist onto the desk – and it reverberated through the room loudly, ringing in his ears and what seemed like the cavity that had formed in his chest – then hid his face in his arms and silently wept.