Chapter 21: "Lead Me Back"
Finally resting his head on his pillow, Tony leaned over to set his alarm clock.
3:30AM flashed in bright red numbers.
"Man, I've got to get to sleep," he said plumping his pillow. The images of the night kept pushing out his efforts to count sheep and he found himself savoring every one.
After the story from the older couple they'd met, Tony found himself with a new confidence. Although he was terrified of what his imagination was leading him to, he was getting a little excited about the terror. Dancing with Angela, holding her close as he had wanted to for so many months. It felt now, as if they hadn't ever been apart. In his excitement about the evening, he thought about the one thing that happened that satisfied him above all else.
It hadn't been the conversation about how slow their relationship was going. It wasn't even the funny tango they did at the end of the night when Tony popped "Save the Last Dance for Me" by Ben E. King and the Drifters into the CD player. It was rather the quiet moment at their bedroom doors after all the lights were out and everyone else was fast asleep.
They had said their good nights and were turning the knobs of their door handles when Tony found himself uttering her name.
"Angela?" He'd said it and couldn't believe he had. He had something he'd wanted to say since they'd come home, but hadn't had the courage to. Something he'd had on his mind for the last seven months. The fact that he'd actually said her name told him that if he didn't say it soon, he'd probably explode at any minute.
"Yes, Tony?" She said looking as though she were grateful for another chance at sleep's distraction.
He found his feet moving over to her door and made himself stop within a foot of her.
"I just wanted to say that I had a great time tonight." Trying to stall once again. What am I doing?, he had thought to himself. This evening is going so perfectly. I'm just going to kill the mood.
"I'm glad Tony." She said with a continued smile. "I did, too."
Even in his fear, he found himself, for once, being able to look into her eyes and say exactly what he was thinking at the exact moment he wanted to say it.
"I'm sorry, Angela."
At first, she had looked at him with some confusion, but he quickly realized that she understood.
"I'm so so--"
But before he could even finish the sentence, she closed the distance between them and placed her lips on his. The kiss spoke the volumes that his words never could have and in it he found what he had desired most and never thought he'd be worthy to have again with her. Forgiveness.
As he rolled in his bed, that kiss played over and over again. And he found himself counting kisses instead of sheep. Within minutes he was asleep.
"Whattcha thinking Tony?" Marie said to her husband as she sat in the passenger seat of their blue van.
He looked over and smiled at his wife, just as he had in so many previous dreams before. Tony found himself driving down the streets of Fairfield, just as he had driven alone, awake, for the last seven years. "I don't know sweetheart. I guess I've got a lot on my mind."
"Like what?" Marie said turning in her seat to face him.
"Things." He said looking in the rear view mirror.
"Tony, be honest. You're confused and this confusion is nothing new. It's just now you're actually having to face it."
"I know." He said gripping the steering wheel, purposely trying not to make eye contact.
"It was easy to ignore with Kathleen and Andy around."
"Yes."
"And now?"
"And now, it's nice. Angela and I are right back to where we were before."
"You call that a good thing?"
"Well. . .I guess so."
"Come on Tony, just cause you aren't dating anybody else doesn't mean you're together. You've got to do something, show her some encouragement. Show her you care."
"I do, everyday."
"But the same way you used to show me?"
"But Marie, it was easy to show you I cared. You were. . .are my wife."
"But not in the beginning."
"But in the beginning, I knew I loved you."
"And you didn't know that with Angela?"
"See we're right back to the "things." See, you're doing that again. You're trying to get me to admit. . . Alright, I know that I care for her. I know I like her. I know . . .I know a lot 'things.'" He said in a bad attempt to change the subject.
"But Tony, deep down you know you love her."
"Well. . .even if I did, why does is it have to be so hard?"
"Because you do love her. Love that lasts is never as easy as it should be."
"But it was with you."
"That's because HE knew we were going to have to love a lifetime's worth in just six brief years."
"And we did, didn't we?" In the dream, he found himself parking the van on the side of the road. He reached over and took her hand in his. Raising her hand to his lips, he kissed the back of her hand.
"I know what you're thinking, Tony." She said putting her hand on his cheek.
"What. . .what's that?" He said turning back toward the steering wheel.
"I'm okay. I really do like her, Tony. She's given you opportunities that I never could have. She's helped you become the man that you are."
"But Marie --" He said turning his head.
She placed her fingers on his lips. Slowly and with all the love in her heart she said, "Tony, I need you to listen to me and I need you to remember this. I can't be happy in Heaven, if you aren't happy here. My happiness depends on you. I need you to let yourself be happy."
He looked into her eyes and knew they weren't just empty words.
He turned to look out the window in front of them. Just outside it, he found the same forked road that he found himself in front of that painful morning so many months ago. Yet, this time the fork represented two entirely different things. The smooth road was now the road he was currently on with Angela, no potholes, no heartache and yet, no excitement, no passion. It was just the "same old, same old." The road that lead up the hill was still bumpy, still harder to climb, but with all its twists and turns he could finally see Angela's roof top just peeking over it, just within Tony's view from the stoplight below.
"So, Tony." Marie said smiling at her husband. "What's it gonna be?"
Many
times I've been alone
And many times I've cried
Any way
you'll never know
The many ways I've tried
But still they
lead me back
To the long winding road. . .
Lead me to your
door
The Long and Winding Road --The Beatles