10
A NEW DAWNChapter 19
Deepest Abyss
Later that day, I inadvertently started a discussion that apparently no one had yet considered.
"So Jacob, have you given much thought to what you're going to do with your immortality?" I asked.
"Huh?" Jacob responded. "What do you mean immortality? Werewolves aren't immortal."
The others who were in the room were now staring at me with confused, blank expressions.
"Well, if I understand everything correctly, the only two ways that werewolves die is from injuries sustained from battling vampires, or if they cease transforming into their wolf form. Is that correct?" I asked.
"Uh, yeah, that sounds about right, so what are you getting at?" Jacob asked, still confused.
I sighed in frustration, something I seemed to be doing a lot of lately. "I know I'm not a rocket scientist, but I'm amazed that nobody has figured this out yet." I then walked over and plopped myself down in front of Renesmee. "The reason that werewolves usually choose to stop transforming is because they want to age and die along with the one that they love. However, since apparently Renesmee will stop aging in a few years, this means that she will never age or die. Therefore, you will never have a reason to stop transforming, which translates into immortality."
Suddenly everyone's heads were shifting back and forth between each other, all finally understanding what I was saying.
"Oh great! Now we definitely will never get the smell out," Rosalie hissed. "Thanks for that revelation."
Jacob grinned at her in defiance, drawing another hiss of revulsion from her.
"Sorry," I added. "I figured you all would have figured that out by now."
"Maybe you should consider rocket science," Edward added sarcastically, "becoming a linguist might be a tad bit too easy for you."
"Huh!" Jacob huffed. "I guess I never thought that far ahead, the idea of living forever seems so bizarre to me."
"It still is!" Rosalie hissed again. "The idea of having you around forever is beyond bizarre, it's torture!"
We all laughed out loud, even Rosalie couldn't help but laugh at her own outburst. Emmett put his arm around her, trying to ease her tension.
"You'll get used to me, eventually," Jacob said with a shrug. Then upon seeing her venomous expression, he added, "Or… maybe not."
Then Seth suddenly appeared in the room, he hadn't bothered to knock. Even though I was aware of his presence before he walked in, I was still stunned by his appearance. He was wearing nothing but an old pair of shredded blue jeans, no shirt, no shoes; he was the image of a contemporary Greek god. His smile brightened when he saw me, the reaction was not lost on anyone in the room.
"Shouldn't you be on patrol or something, Seth?" Jacob snorted.
"Aw c'mon Jake, there's no need for that anymore is there? The Volturi aren't coming back, and there really isn't anyone else that can threaten us anymore," Seth complained.
"We can't be too careful," Jacob added. "Maybe you should..."
"Oh give it up," I interrupted. "There isn't anything to worry about; I would know if there was. Unlike Alice, for some reason I can see the future of werewolves, so I can assure you that there isn't any eminent danger."
"You can see our future?" Jacob asked, stunned.
"How is that possible?" Alice chimed in, as she entered the room. "I could never see them or Renesmee."
"He probably can't, he's just trying to get Seth off the hook for patrols," Jacob added. His eyes furrowed as he stared at me for answers.
"Don't stress yourself Jacob, you'll prematurely age yourself," I barked. "As for seeing the future, I've been able to see both the wolves and Renesmee's future ever since I acquired the ability from Alice."
"But how is that possible?" Edward asked.
"My best guess, is that it is because I was acquainted with both werewolves and Renesmee before my transformation. With Alice, she had never had any contact with werewolves or half-vampires before her transformation- although she had contact with both humans, having been one, and vampires, having been transformed into one. I had contact with all three before I was transformed, I think that is the reason why I can do, what Alice cannot."
"You never told me about that," Seth added. "So what do you see for my future?"
I felt several eyes suddenly focused on me, I really was beginning to hate being the center of attention.
"Here is the downside," I began. "I can only see the future of the werewolves or Renesmee a day in advance, unlike with vampires or humans, with whom I can see months or years. So unfortunately Seth, I can only tell you what you're going to be doing as far as tomorrow, which you'll be spending teaching me how to cliff dive." I then smiled and winked at the handsome jubilant Greek god in front of me.
"Cool," Seth added, returning the smile with possibly even more enthusiasm.
"Then if you have limitations, then we still need to consider patrols," Jacob grumbled.
"I don't think that will be necessary, Jacob," Edward added. "You worry too much, and I think a day's notice is more than enough for us to handle any problem. I dare say that by now, most of the vampire world is clearly aware of the hazards of challenging us."
Everyone was staring at me again, many of their thoughts returning to the confrontation.
"Ugh, you all need to stop. I'm not some superhero, so stop with those thoughts, it really makes me feel like some weirdo or something," I said as I rose to my feet and headed for the door.
"Where are you going?" Seth asked, taking a few steps to follow.
"We are going hunting," I said, glancing back with an impish smile.
For the next six months, Seth and I were practically inseparable, much to the chagrin of Jacob who felt that Seth was shirking his werewolf duties. However, since there was no apparent danger lurking, he was powerless to stop me from monopolizing Seth's time.
Seth would frequently spend the night at the Cullens', crashing out in my bed, the bed that I never slept in. I spent the nights concentrating on learning languages; with my vampire mind, I was able to absorb languages in rapid succession. Edward helped, and because he was able to converse with me in every language imaginable, I could become solidly fluent in a particular language within a week. After a few months, I was speaking every printed language known to man, and Edward even helped me to become familiar in some obscure dialects.
During the day, Seth and I would pass the hours playing video games, watching movies, hunting, cliff diving, practicing martial arts, playing football and baseball, or occasionally, me helping him with his homework.
Sometimes we spent hours sitting up on the branches of my favorite tree, overlooking the valley below, and talking about life. I really enjoyed those times, although it could be because I had to carry Seth up to the top of the tree; he would wrap his arms around my neck and I would quickly scale the tree. I always hated it when we reached the top, knowing that he would loosen his grip as soon as we found a stable perch.
During those days together, something inside kept screaming at me to stop getting so involved; however, I couldn't stop myself. The more time we spent together, the more I fell in love with him. Even though I never saw the same emotions returned in his thoughts, I did see the confusion surface from time time, which he always quickly covered up. Maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see, instead of facing the reality of the situation.
It was a sudden sharp vision late one night, which snapped me back to reality. Making the vision worse, was the fact that Seth was home, sleeping in his own bed for a change. For several minutes I was unable to move, I couldn't feel my body, I couldn't feel anything, I could only see the same vision over and over in my mind. My body was stuck in a confused state of being, unable to cry, unable to scream, unable to feel the beat-less heart shattering, I simply fell over sideways, my body to crashed hard against the floor. Even though I had been sitting on the floor already, the impact still caused a loud crashing sound to echo through the house.
It didn't take long for several members of the household to appear in the doorway, but by then, I had already fled through the glass doorway. The impact with the floor rocked me back to some form of bodily connection, and I mustered enough cohesive thought to flee. I didn't want to explain my state of paralysis to anyone, doing so would make me see the vision again, and seeing it again might make me believe it.
I fled to my tree, and climbed like a rocket to the top. It probably wasn't the best choice of locations, as the memories immediately began flooding every cell of my being. I couldn't cry… there was no release that would relieve the pain that I felt. I was plummeting down deeper and deeper into the abyss that my vision of reality brought. The blackness of the pit engulfed me, and my entire body seemed to shut down and turn to stone. I could no longer see, think, or hear… the only thing I could appear to do was experience the inner pain that was ripping at my core. Not since my parent's death had I experience this feeling, and even this pain seemed to take it to a new level of intensity. I wasn't able to escape this time; there was no meditation that could save me. So there I sat, through the remaining hours of the night, entrenched within my own version of purgatory.
The late morning sunlight stirred me from despair, just enough to prod me to return home, but not enough to relieve me of the crushing pain.
Whether fate was working against me, or I had made some deity unhappy, but as I walked in the front door, I was forced to confront the reality I was trying to so desperately to suppress.
Apparently, Jacob had arrived a few seconds before I had, and he was now in the middle of an announcement.
"You'll never guess what happened this morning," Jacob crowed excitedly.
"Oh spit it out dog, we're not into guessing games," Rosalie said, clearly annoyed.
"Seth imprinted!"
The words made my head spin, I felt my body sway, I had to grab the nearest wall for support.
"He was on his way here, when a passing family stopped to ask for directions. As soon as he saw her, that was it, all by chance. If he had been a little bit earlier or later, they probably would have never met," Jacob said in excitement.
"Where is she from?" Carlisle asked.
"Who is she?" Bella asked.
"Her family just moved to Forks, that's all I know so far. Oh, and her name is Elizabeth, but she prefers Liz," Jacob said.
"Where's Brady?" Edward asked intensely.
I wasn't sure how I made it across the river so quickly, but the next thing I remembered, I was reaching out to put my hand against a tree for support. Just as quickly, I was aware of Edward standing a few paces behind me.
"Are you ok?" Edward asked.
"Yeah, fine, everything's great," I said bitterly.
"You knew this was going to happen, you saw it in a vision didn't you? That's what that loud noise was last night, that is when you saw it."
I didn't reply, I couldn't.
"If you knew, then why didn't you stop it? Like Jacob said, if Seth had been delayed even for a few seconds, he would never have met her."
I tried my best to bring myself upright, although I was still unwilling to turn toward him. "I love Seth more than anything in this world, but I am not going to ruin his future. This was meant to be, and it is not up to me to take this away from him. If we were meant to be together, then he would have imprinted on me."
"Seth would have never known that he was missing anything, he would have stayed happy just being your friend."
I turned sharply and glared at Edward. "I would have known! I would have known that he had the chance to experience love beyond love, and I selfishly took it away from him. That wouldn't be love. Love is when you sacrifice your own heart, in order to see the other person happy. You of all people should understand that, I recall you having gone through something similar with Bella and Jacob."
Edward looked away in discomfort. "Yes, you are right. It's just that..."
"Don't worry about me Edward, I'll be fine, I'm always fine. I'll get through this like I have everything else that I've faced. It will take time, but it seems I have plenty of that now, much more than I care to have at the moment."
"But it isn't over yet, Seth..."
"Yes I know. Seth plans to bring her over later, to introduce her to everyone."
"This will be the first human you've encountered, but he'll expect you to be there, probably more than any of us. Maybe it would be best if he waited until you've had time..."
"I'll deal with it Edward. For Seth, I'll do what I can to see that he's happy. I'm not about to make a meal out of his girlfr—" A brief sensation of nausea filled me. "I mean, the person that he's with."
Suddenly, Edward wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I fought the urge to rip it off of me, it wasn't him that I was upset with, he was only trying to help.
"We'll all be there for you, we'll help you through this," Edward said in a calming tone.
I inhaled deeply, then exhaled. "I suppose I should hunt, I wouldn't want to make a bad first impression," I said, attempting a chuckle.
"That might be a good idea, do you want some company?"
"No, I think I need a bit of time alone, I just pity whatever prey I happen upon, they're likely to be the ones to experience my frustration."
Edward smiled at me, then stepped away. In a flash, he was gone, and I found myself alone; apparently, it was something that I would need to get used to once again.
Then a song from Duran Duran suddenly came to mind, and I started to sing-
"Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly.
I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some'd say,
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away…
But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world,
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive.
Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say
Pride will tear us both apart
Well now prides gone out the window crossed the rooftops, run away,
Left me in the vacuum of my heart.
What is happening to me?
Crazy, some'd say,
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away…"
I had to stop there, the pain in my chest was becoming all-consuming, there was no point continuing to torture myself. I abruptly shifted my focus; I needed to hunt.
I was more ferocious than I had ever been, becoming more animal than graceful vampire. I also filled myself more than I ever had, still wanting to take every precaution possible. Even in all the pain, I still put Seth's feelings before my own; I wouldn't do anything to hurt him if I could avoid it.
I returned to my room, once again through the glass door, I wasn't about to let my family see me so disheveled. As I entered the room, I was confronted by Jasper, who was apparently waiting for me. Had I been paying attention, I would have noticed his thoughts, but my mind was blocking other people's thoughts at the moment, not wanting to hear anything more about Seth's imprinting.
"I've been waiting for you, although I'm sure you already knew that," Jasper said.
"Actually I didn't, I've been lost in my own thoughts today," I added, walking passed him toward the bathroom as I slipped off my bloodied and tattered shirt. "If you don't mind, I really need to get cleaned up."
"This will only take a moment."
"What is it Jasper?" I exhaled with annoyance.
"You're in pain, a pain I've never felt before, although it is similar to how Edward felt when he left Bella that time, but your pain is somehow even worse."
"Um, yeah, thanks for telling me something that I already knew. Is that it? Is that what you came to tell me?"
"Actually, I didn't come to tell you anything, I came to inquire about the reasons for your pain, I really don't understand. I would think you would be happy, with Seth finally finding..."
His sentence trailed off as he caught my furious, wounded glare.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize—I just didn't think about that—I'm sorry."
I turned away from him, trying to reassemble my thoughts once more.
"Seth doesn't know does he, he doesn't know how you feel," Jasper said softly.
"No, and he won't. The only one who knows is Edward, and now you apparently, but that's as far as it goes." It was all I could manage to say without losing it.
"I understand, this explains everything." Jasper suddenly sat down on the bed, putting his face into his hands. "I know how you feel Brady, I went through this myself a long time ago, with Peter."
My head swung reactively in his direction, caught off guard by this revelation. I had not probed any of the Cullens' memories, so this was truly a shock.
"What do you mean?"
"When I first met Peter, he was a raging newborn, but still, there was something that drew me to him. We became fast friends, even though Maria forbid friendships with the newborns we created. Over time, Maria's jealousy got the best of her, and she ordered me to destroy several of the newborns, including Peter. I couldn't kill him though; I loved him, much more than I ever loved Maria. Even though I never acted on those feelings, many times I wanted to, but I was too afraid of alienating Peter's friendship. That type of thing was not accepted back then, like it is today."
Jasper wasn't looking at me; his face was still in his hands.
"It may be more accepted today, but it still seems just as difficult," I said.
"Yes, I suppose you are right."
"So what happened with Peter and Maria?" I asked.
"Apparently, and unbeknownst to me, Peter had fallen in love with another newborn, Charlotte. It was when the time came to execute her, that Peter took her and fled. I was unable to stop them; unable or unwilling, whichever it was. The realization that Peter loved her, momentarily caused me to lose my ability to think or react. Had that not happened, I may have killed them both out of pure jealousy and rage… rage at them, and myself. Thankfully I had time to calm down and deal with everything, before Peter eventually returned to ask me to join them."
I saw in an instant, Jasper's thoughts and memories. The time he spent with Peter and Charlotte, the entangled relationship that they shared for a brief period. That was why Jasper left them, he realized that he couldn't share Peter, and the attempt was tearing him apart. It was during that lonely, lost period that he met Alice.
"Does Alice know about—about everything you've gone through?"
"She knows everything. It was thanks to her that I was able to put my feelings for Peter into the past, and move forward again."
There was a long silence, neither knowing how to continue.
"I guess I'll leave you to get cleaned up. Please don't be offended later when I avoid being close to you, it's nothing personal, it's just that—well—I don't care to experience those emotions again. I hope you can understand."
"I do understand, and I'm sorry Jasper, I didn't mean to bring back those memories."
"It's not your fault. I just wish that things could have worked out for you two, now that I can see the truth of the matter, I think you two would have been perfect for each other."
I nodded. "Yeah, we would have."
As Jasper left the room, I turned around and headed back to the bathroom. Stripping down, I took a nice long hot shower, the sensation reminded me of all the times Seth had touched me over the past few months. All of the hugs, carrying him up the tree, us wrestling around, there were so many things that I took for granted at the time. I know I shouldn't allow myself to think about it; I just couldn't help becoming mired down with thoughts of the things I would never experience with him again.