Chapter 21

They stared at each other. Martin's eyes grew big as he realised what he had done. He never had lost control like that. He had only allowed himself some action when Louisa had made her intentions clear. He had never taken the liberty to…"Oh Louisa…I…I don't know what…I…am…so…sorry!"

Before Louisa could assure him that it was alright, he was already striding away, declaring that he 'needed some air'.

"Oh Martin!" she gasped in exasperation. But he couldn't hear her anymore. There was no use in going after him, as he was covering ground quickly. Why couldn't he simply accept those urges? It was perfectly normal male behaviour. Why did he think he was different? If this was unusual for him, it was just worse. Teenagers had to learn to handle those feelings. But men in their late forties? She just hoped he would come back soon, and didn't feel too ashamed to face her. Practically nothing had happened. Except for something she hoped he would do since they first met – to take the initiative. Why should she always be the one to decide when it was time for some action?

She stared after him until he was just a small point in a huge landscape. She sat down on the patio. She thought about their argument earlier. She had misjudged him, it seemed. But one thing started to worry her – he obviously had no clue whatsoever about children and parenting. She saw many arguments coming. It would be really tough to get him to be more confident about it. She hoped she could get some of the old boarding school routine out of his system. She would never allow Peter to be confronted with those. But before they could discuss that, he had to meet his son. Maybe he had some natural instincts.

She thought about everything that he had told her. His life has gone wrong right from the start, and seemed to have gone downhill ever after. Maybe she really was his only hope for redemption. That was such a horrible responsibility. But he needed her. And that was the key. She had never meant so much to anyone ever – except Peter of course. She would have two boys to look after.

Time passed by and there was no sign of Martin's return. So she got up and went into the kitchen to check what was left for supper. Some vegs, potatoes and chicken breast. She started to prepare the meal. It was their last damned evening and they surely could put it to far better use than this! She had finally prepared everything so that it would just need some warming up, when she returned to the patio. Still no sign of him. She decided to ring him on his mobile – hoping that he would still have the same number.

Martin was still walking quickly, cursing himself, just trying to get it out of his system. Suddenly his mobile rang. He had made sure that the numbers from the hospital would be suppressed, and he could think of no one else wanting to call to him. He tried to ignore it, but the sound irritated him. So he snatched it out of his pocket and bellowed "ELLINGHAM!"

"Martin, what do you think you're doing?"

"Louisa?"

"Yeah, I'm still waiting at the cottage. Joan offered to pick me up when she spoke to me this afternoon. I would have accepted if I'd known that I would be sitting here alone."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't..:"

"You don't want to discuss this on the phone? I'd say you had better come back. Before it gets dark!"

"I can't – I mean, face you. After I lost control like that."

"I'll tell you what you can or can't do as soon as you come back. But without any further discussion – COME BACK!"

Martin gave in, and turned on his heels. He felt a lump in his stomach. Today hadn't gone to his liking at all. The row, him losing control. His worst fears had come true. Was there ever a chance that Louisa would still want him? He shouldn't have confessed that he needed her. That had stirred something within him, an urgent need. He had never acted anything like that before. He felt ashamed.

Meanwhile Louisa sat on the patio again, trying to spot Martin. She certainly hoped he would be on his way back. Well over an hour later, the well-familiar frame appeared in the distance. This stupid man must have rushed into one direction, further away from her, the whole time. It would take some time until he would reach the cottage. She sighed and fixed two cuppas.

Finally, the sun was already showing the first signs of calling it a day, he approached the patio, where Louisa was awaiting him with a cup of tea for both of them.

He looked down, playing with his ring, when he shyly approached her. His colour was definitely rising. As soon as he had joined her on the patio, Louisa burst out. "What the hell did you think…"

"Louisa, I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. I couldn't control it. I know I shouldn't have…like that…without asking you. But I tried to avoid any eye and physical contact because I felt there was something stirring me up. And when you placed your hand on my back, I…sorry I lost control."

"You stupid man! That's not at all what I mean. Why did you run away like that? There was no chance that I could stop you. What a waste of time."

"I…I had to get it out of my system. Somehow. I thought physical exercise and fresh air and solitude would help."

"I know a better way to get it out of your system, but for that it would have been essential that you stayed." Martin looked quizzically at her.

"Oh, Martin! I know exactly what hit you. And I didn't mind it at all."

"You didn't?"

"Why should I always be the one who starts any action between us? I can remember but one kiss that you actually induced while we were engaged. Otherwise you always waited for me to take action. Why? Today you simply showed that you are a man with very healthy, normal urges. Why should you be different from anyone else? Why can't you simply accept and enjoy?"

"But to have pushed you like that? That is inexcusable. I really feel ashamed. How can you trust me ever again?"

"Don't you think I would have stopped you if I wanted to? Do you really think I would have allowed anything that I didn't want?"

"But I didn't give you a chance..:"

"Oh, Martin! There are ways, and don't worry – I know them. You don't think all men are so aloof and considerate as you are, do you?"

"You mean, others have done…?"

"At least they tried. And mind you, I was always very good in cooling their passion. But then I wanted to cool them down."

"You can forgive me, then? You didn't mind too much?"

"There is nothing to forgive. And in a way, it's what I wanted since I intoxicated you way back then. To see the real you – without belts and braces. But I never managed to cross that last barrier you always had around you. The last stronghold of self-control. Even when we made love, you never let go completely. But today – that was raw emotion. You didn't hold anything back. Your defences were completely down. And I don't complain. Because real love also means that you can be just you – without any reservations."

Martin stared at her in disbelief. "But why were you angry then?"

"Because you ran away! You didn't have to get me down here to run over these bloody cliffs alone! We could have made far better use of that energy. You have to promise me something."

"I promise you, it won't happen again."

"OK, as long as we talk about the same 'it'. I'm talking about you running away without giving me a chance to say anything, not the embrace."

"Oh?"

"Yes, oh. And thanks to your silly excursion we are running out of time. So I took the liberty of preparing our supper. It just needs warming up." Louisa disappeared into the kitchen. Martin was still puzzled. He would never understand Louisa. She had been furious with him because of that scientifically correct remark about perfume, but she was completely unconcerned when he lost control and forced himself onto her. How should he ever understand?

To be continued…