I'm back again! More lovely new rules, most of which were from all of you – I had so many prompts, it was almost enough for a complete chapter! Rock on! So, credits, thanks and virtual!gifts of all descriptions go to the following people:
Star Sign, who wanted to see what I could do with Rules 800. 801, 803, 805 and 806.
N, who wanted Rules 807 to 809.
Saphreanna Grea, who gave me the prompts for Rules 810 and 811.
mindless-junk-247, who asked for Rules 812 to 814.
Jen-NCIS-Lover, who wished to see Rules 815 and 816.
Shadows-of-Realm, who gave me the ideas for Rules 825 to 828, and 836 to 840. (He also helped me out with Rule 830 – I'll never be able to look at them again, Shadows!)
Silfrvarg, who asked for Rule 817.
anotamous, who gave me the basis for Rules 818 to 820.
And finally, Scotius, who gave me Rules 821 to 824 and 831, 832, 834 and 835.
So, on we go, children. Oh, and before I forget, the opening scene was courtesy of Scotius (although I tweaked it a little bit) – I know it isn't technically an Infirmary scene, but it was far too good not to use! You, my dear, are da bomb! (You've also got me hooked on writing Sparky! Argh!)
Rodney stared at his data pad's screen with satisfaction. "Ok," he called, "I think I've got it. It should open... now!"
The transporter door swished open and two pairs of eyes glared at the tired looking astrophysicist kneeling next to the control panel.
"Why did that take so long, Rodney?" asked Dr Weir, who was looking a little flushed.
"Yeah, it was four freaking hours, McKay!" John piped in. He too, didn't seem to be his usual cool, calm and collected self. "I thought you were meant to be a genius."
Rodney gave them an exasperated eye roll as he got to his feet. "Ah, yes, blame me why don't you? Like it's my fault that glitch sent you into the farthest unexplored section of Atlantis."
"It was also one of the most damaged by water, I might add," John shot back, pointing down at his decidedly soggy looking boots.
"Unfortunately, the one thing that I can't seem to figure out is why neither of you wore a headset," McKay said coolly, his brilliant blue eyes flicking between his two friends. "It would have been much faster for us to locate you if Radek hadn't had to search the city using the internal sensors."
The two of them, freshly released from a malfunctioning transporter, stared at him with blank expressions. Rodney's eyes narrowed dangerously. "You were up to something, weren't you? C'mon, Sheppard, spill."
The Air Force man cleared his throat. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said in an amazingly even tone of voice. Next to him, Elizabeth was clearly trying to prevent her eyes from rolling.
"Yeah, right," Rodney replied, sneering.
Before he could launch into a rant, Dr Weir stepped in, obviously feeling it prudent to take charge of the conversation. "First of all, Rodney, what we do in our free time is none of your business," she said in a steady, authoritative voice. "Secondly, we have our headsets. We tried to contact the Control Room several times via the radio. Obviously something in this section interferes with our communications. Maybe you should take a look into that while you're down here, hmm?" The last sentence was punctuated by a pointed glare. "Now, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, I need to go to my quarters to freshen up. These things could really do with better air conditioning."
With that, the expedition leader regaled her military commander and head scientist with a polite nod and headed off in the direction of the central tower.
Rodney scratched his chin. Something was very odd. Yes, both Elizabeth and Sheppard did look a bit flushed, and his friend's hair was standing up at wilder angles than normal...
"She's right, you know," John said evenly, sticking his hands in his pockets. "It was kinda hot in there. I could use something cold to drink."
When the pilot turned to follow Elizabeth, something caught Rodney's attention. Valiantly swallowing an evil, gleeful smile, the scientist fell into stride with his team-mate.
"Sheppard?"
"Yeah?"
"Your, uh, tee-shirt..."
"What about it?"
"You're wearing it inside out..."
Rule 800: All personnel are to cease quoting from Star Trek.
A. IMMEDIATELY.
B. It's becoming over-rated.
C. Colonel Sheppard is getting confused.
The cult TV show was currently the bane of Carson's life. Nearly everyone on base had started referring to the expedition as being like 'something out of Star Trek' – so much so, in fact, that John was now getting confused as to whether or not he really was James T Kirk. It wasn't until the rest of SGA-1 threatened everyone else with a one way trip to the nearest Wraith infested planet that they packed it in.
After all, they needed John to be sane to do all the really dangerous stuff.
Rule 801: When General O'Neill is visiting, never remind him how old he is by saying 'do you remember when...'
A. It makes him sad.
B. If he's sad, he won't send us any more cool toys.
Much to everyone's surprise, this rule had suddenly appeared in the Rulebook without Carson's knowledge. Although he accepted that yes, Jack did get a bit testy about his age from time to time, it didn't really classify as an Infirmary Rule.
At least it didn't until Jack and Caldwell got into a fight after some proverbial mud-slinging about their respective ages. Carson wondered whether he could get any extra pay for patching up a General...
Rule 802: Colonel Sheppard is not allowed to post anymore rules in this rulebook.
As it turned out, John had posted the previous rule after Jack had threatened to stop sending him and Rodney cool things to mess around with. When Carson found out, John went into hiding.
Rule 803: Never blackmail/bribe Dr Beckett into wearing his kilt when it's your birthday.
Laura had done this, claiming that she wanted to see her 'sexy Scotsman' in his native dress. In her defence, they were both adults, and what they did in their free time shouldn't have been anyone else's business... Except that after a random malfunction, Carson ended up stuck outside her quarters wearing nothing but said kilt – which was a bit on the skimpy side. After his staff had found some blankets to save what little dignity he had left, Carson beat a hasty retreat to his office and refused to come out for nearly a week.
Rule 804: Dr McKay is no longer allowed anywhere near Carson's laptop.
A. Nor is he allowed to copy Colonel Sheppard and post rules.
Rodney was spending far too much time in the company of a certain Air Force man. Carson was less than amused when Rule 803 appeared in the Rulebook, and his displeasure deepened when it came to light that the Canadian had hacked into the Scotsman's personal laptop in order to add in said rule.
Rodney soon discovered that he'd made a whopping error of judgement – a fact that was reinforced when Carson chased him across the city with his shinty stick.
Again.
Some people never learned.
Rule 805: Do not lock people in the brig and turn off the lights.
A. It's childish.
B. Next time, we'll do it to YOU and see how you feel about it...
SGA-9 were having a bad day. First, they'd managed to get savaged off-world by a strange, but thankfully non-poisonous pack of pixie dingoes. Then, they returned to Atlantis to find that all the showers in their quarters were on the blink, meaning that they had no hot water. This wouldn't have been a problem, except that they were covered from head to foot in alien dingo, er, 'mess', and the stuff stank worse than Rodney's attempts to bake brownies.
Things, however, were not to get any easier for them. Having resigned themselves to being smelly for a while, they discovered that their rooms were the only ones affected by the mysterious water problem – and that it all stemmed from an experiment that Kavanaugh had bodged up...
So, in true Atlantis style, they took their much deserved revenge. The next morning, Corporal Sanchez entered the Brig to discover said long-haired git lying on the floor of the holding cell, curled up in the foetal position and sobbing like a baby. SGA-9 had left him locked in there all night, without the lights on.
While the Command Staff secretly thought that the Chemist deserved the punishment, they still had to have a quiet word with the team, who now smelt so bad that all of them had to be kept in the Isolation Ward while Rodney and Carson tried to activate the Ancients' decontamination suite.
Rule 806: Puddle Jumpers are not to be used for speed racing.
A. They are for adult purposes only.
B. This isn't bloody Star Wars, people!
Everyone thought that the Star Wars fascination had ended after Elizabeth banned the phrase 'In a Galaxy, Far, Far Away'. Unfortunately, John and Rodney apparently hadn't gotten the memo and had started to hold their very own version of 'pod racing' on the mainland... using the Jumpers. While the ships made excellent racers, their pilots weren't always too careful when it came to avoiding obstacles in their path.
When the boys returned the Jumpers to the Bay, Radek nearly had a stroke when he saw the state of them. After being pulled off of John, the Czech was sedated until he'd calmed down enough to not want to kill them on sight.
Carson and Elizabeth, however, were not happy campers at all – as the lads soon found out the hard way. After being chased through the city by Gums, Fred and Smoky, the boys were then forced to undertake city maintenance for the next eight weeks... and were banned from going anywhere near the Jumper Bay unless it was an emergency.
Rule 807: Crutches are not meant to be used as light sabres.
A. Please see appendix B of Rule 806 for the reason why.
After the fiasco of the Jumper 'pod races', John and Rodney were not happy to be on maintenance detail. One thing led to another, they both got bored and chaos descended.
Once Carson had patched up the worst of his new patients, he dragged the pair of them into his office and demanded an explanation. Apparently, they'd decided that to alleviate their boredom they could re-enact their favourite scenes from the Star Wars saga. That had been fine until John had gotten the brilliant idea of using crutches as light sabres and accidently walloped Lt Stackhouse round the head. The rest of SGA-2 retaliated and pretty soon, it had turned into a free-for-all – hence all the casualties.
The boys were now in very big trouble – Carson and Elizabeth couldn't even speak properly and everyone else was giving them 'you're so dead' looks...
Rule 808: Military personnel are not allowed to dress up as the Wraith.
B. Nor are they allowed to sneak up into other people's quarters while dressed as said Wraith.
C. Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay wish to inform you to GROW UP!
Surprisingly, it wasn't the Marines' idea this time. Carson and Elizabeth had decided to teach John and Rodney a lesson they wouldn't forget in a hurry and persuaded some of the Marines to dress up as Wraith and scare the hell out of the boys.
So they did.
They dressed up in the costumes that had previously been confiscated from SGA-6, snuck into John and Rodney's respective quarters and scared the living daylights out of them.
Or at least, that's how it should have happened.
In reality, it was the Marines who ended up in the Infirmary, not Atlantis' favourite trouble-makers. The men that crept into Rodney's room nearly died of fright when the scientist's 'intruder alarm' went off – and suffered from punctured ear-drums. The gang that tried to freak John out had an up close and personal encounter with the Air Force man's berretta. Thankfully, John had placed blank bullets in the gun, but even though the ammunition wasn't live, it still hurt a lot, especially when you got shot at point blank range.
Elizabeth and Carson decided to call a truce.
Rule 809: When in trouble, do not draw inspiration from MacGyver.
A. Yes, I KNOW General O'Neill did, but that's no excuse.
General O'Neill was a very bad influence on the rest of Atlantis, even more than John and Rodney. After Elizabeth had sent the SGC the latest mission reports, she received an e-mail from Jack, telling her that she should allow the teams to watch episodes of MacGyver, purely for educational purposes.
When the off-world teams heard about the memo, they did just that – and now most of them were in Carson's care after a series of failed attempts at creating bombs/impromptu guns/weapons out of whatever they had to hand.
Apparently, Jack had been called to Washington on 'urgent business'...
Rule 810: Sparklers are to be used for their intended purposes only.
A. Don't make me ban sparklers, children.
SGA-13 had struck again. Someone had rather foolishly given the pyromaniacs a set of sparklers, 'just to see what would happen'. After they nearly burnt down the Biology labs, two of the armouries and various offices, Ronon was sent to round them up and get them to the Infirmary to take their 'happy pills'.
Rule 811: All personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to use a P-90 to cut through logs for camp fires.
After what happened the last time they went camping on the mainland, no one in the city thought that SGA-1 would go back for round two. John, however, had other ideas, insisting that it was purely for 'military manoeuvres'. For two days, all was surprisingly quiet until Atlantis received an urgent radio transmission, asking for immediate medical assistance.
When Carson and SGA-3 arrived at the team's campsite, they were alarmed to see that John was bleeding rather copiously. Upon further examination, it turned out that the pilot had a rather nasty gunshot wound to his left foot. When Carson rounded on the rest of the team, it transpired that John and Ronon had gotten into an argument about the best way to chop up logs for the campfire. The Air Force man had made a small wager that by using his P-90, he could do it much faster than the Satedan, who was in favour of the more tradition 'use a bloody great big axe' method. Needless to say, Ronon won said bet after John slipped and shot himself in the foot – literally.
Rule 812: Do not touch/mess with/steal other people's food.
A. Keep your hands to yourselves.
B. And especially don't try to steal from Ronon or Rodney.
The newbies, who had been suspiciously quiet for a while, were at it again. This time, they had decided to start stealing food from people in the mess hall, just to see what would happen. While most of the expedition just smacked them round the back of the head or swore loudly, Ronon and Rodney were a bit more... possessive... when it came to their dinner.
After three newbies got stunned, four more narrowly avoided 'decapitation by blaster set to kill' and seven others were trapped in their toilets for seventeen hours, Carson intervened. Unfortunately, the lads had already moved on to the 'stabbing people with forks' option, so his casualty list rocketed.
Rule 813: No more kitchen wars!
A. If you lot keep it up, the Cooks are going on strike.
B. Or they'll rebel.
C. Failing that, they may even start up their own culture, and then we'll ALL suffer...
After the newbies' chaos, some of the off-world teams thought it would be funny if they started up their very own 'kitchen wars'. The aim of their 'game' was simple – you had to use whatever kitchen utensils were at hand to defeat your opponents. How you did so was your choice entirely, but the more creative the method, the more points you scored.
After two hours, the Cooks had had enough – and the blood really started flying. Lorne nearly lost an eye thanks to a stray spatula, Radek, Miko and Ronon were all suffering from saucepan inflicted concussions, while John, Rodney, Laura and most of SGA-2 were bleeding from various places after the Cooks had unleashed their 'secret weapon' – the hand whisks.
Carson surveyed the carnage and promptly walked out of the door. He then locked himself in his happy place for two weeks and left the rest of his staff to deal with the fall-out.
Rule 814: The following excuses are not to be used... EVER.
A. 'I was abducted by aliens.'
B. 'Hermiod beamed me out of the city when I reached the Infirmary.'
C. 'I was kidnapped and held hostage by the Wraith.'
D. 'I was dealing with my grief – I'd just killed another Wraith.'
The Medics were starting to get incredibly despondent – it seemed as though none of the expedition wanted to come in for their physicals. After Carson over-heard some of the latest excuses, he burst into tears and hid in his office.
Elizabeth was not amused, and made everyone responsible apologise in person. With cake. And lots of tea.
Rule 815: The 'Atlantis Circus' is now a banned activity.
A. Stop whining.
B. You brought it on yourselves...
The Circus Club wanted to put on a show. Thinking that it would be good for morale, Elizabeth agreed, providing that there were no fire-eating acts. Everything was fine to begin with until the clowns got into a fight with the acrobats. That, added to the fact that the pets really didn't want to jump through hoops for the 'animal tamers', meant that things got very ugly. The Military were called in to break up the fights, John had to get Milo to help separate the clowns and acrobats, while Rodney was on the warpath at finding Angus dressed up in a tutu.
Rule 816: All 'Magnetic Linear Accelerators' are to be confiscated immediately.
A. That's your last warning, people.
The Science Department weren't having a good month. Carson was on the verge of throttling them all after he discovered their newest use for the MLAs – namely, to shoot metal balls at people. While no one was seriously hurt – the balls stung but didn't cause any lacerations – the rest of the base was less than impressed when they discovered that the Scientists had set up a points system based on the rank of the victim. Luckily, John managed to prevent any hysterics and/or violence, while Carson and Elizabeth had a little chat with those responsible.
Rodney was less than amused - now half of his staff were on KP duty and he had to cover their shifts...
Rule 817: Despite the fact that Monty Python is not a credible source, beware anything that resembles a rabbit.
A. I'm not making this up.
B. If you don't believe me, just go and talk to SGA-13.
SGA-13 had returned from their latest mission covered in blood and bruises, shrieking hysterically about the 'monsters' on M7S-512 that tried to eat them alive. Alarmed, the Command Staff took a look at the team's video footage, and were puzzled when it showed nothing but small, cute bunny rabbits. Ronon volunteered to go and fetch one for study...
Three hours later, he too came back looking like he'd run into a fast moving vehicle, but with one exception – in his hands was one of the rabbits... complete with the largest set of fangs anyone had ever seen.
After patching everyone up, Carson got the Biologists to quarantine the beast. Then he posted this rule.
Rule 818: Our motto is not 'the fundamental laws of the universe are for lesser people'.
A. At least, not officially.
John and Rodney, a brand new Ancient gizmo that bent the normal laws of space and time, three trips back to the Cretaceous Period and Carson nearly having a stroke. Enough said.
Rule 819: The proper response to a question about your sanity is NOT 'Pfft, sanity is over-rated'.
A. If you say this to Carson, you WILL get hurt.
John really should have known better. He also should have run faster. Now he was walking with a limp and glowering at anyone who so much as sniggered.
Rule 820: Playing the 'Imperial March' theme from Star Wars when the Wraith, Genii, Woolsey, IOA members/politicians or anyone else we don't like enters the Gate is not allowed.
A. Yes, it's very funny, but really.
The techs weren't very popular with the SGC once this little gem came to light. Carson, meanwhile, wasn't happy about the fact that he now had Mr Woolsey and half the IOA members in his Infirmary after a bust-up with said techs.
Rule 821: I'm sure I've said this before, but it bears repeating: DO NOT POKE A WRAITH TO CHECK IF IT'S STILL ALIVE.
A. If in doubt, just shoot it again.
Lorne and Stackhouse were sent to over-see the off-world Orientation Course with group of newbies fresh from the Daedalus. Of course, the supposedly 'cake walk' mission turned into a nightmare when a Wraith Cruiser came into the orbit of the planet and decided to perform a random culling. The two veteran teams easily held their own against the Wraith, and soon the area near the Stargate was peppered with bullet-ridden corpses.
One of new xenobiologists couldn't wait for the 'all clear' signal and went to take a look at his first space vampire. Only Sgt. Estevez's fast reflexes saved him from becoming the dinner of the not-so-dead Wraith. However, they didn't save the poor scientist from a severe nervous breakdown, and the Daedalus took him straight back to Earth.
Rule 822: Do NOT dress up as Wraith whilst in the city.
A. I've told you lot about this at least twice now!
B. And if you REALLY must, for the love of all that's holy, make sure that Ronon knows it's just a disguise!
Lorne decided that it would be funny if his team dressed-up as Wraith. Some body paint, white wigs made from gauze snatched from the Infirmary supplies, leather coats and Stunners appropriated from the Armoury was not enough to create really convincing image, despite the level of craftsmanship the team put in.
But the four 'Wraiths' who marched cockily into a packed Mess Hall found that the ex-runner didn't care much for details. Nine hours later, Carson finally finished patching up the members of SGA-3. Personally, he thought that the amount of injuries Ronon could inflict with only a fork, a spoon, a bottle of ketchup and a plastic chair was scary and downright disturbing.
Rule 823: General O'Neill and Colonel Sheppard are not allowed to have any kind of ATA gene competitions.
Major General Jack O'Neill and Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard: two of the most stubborn, impatient, competitive, childish, accident-prone officers that the U.S.A.F could offer. And both of them Earth's strongest ATA gene carriers. When they met in the city of Atlantis without any sort of crisis to keep them occupied, disaster was simply bound to happen.
Jack fired hundred of drones and made them circle the Central Tower. John rigged all the screens and monitors to show nothing but a loop of Ancient soap operas. Jack turned the air ventilation systems on full power and created hurricane level winds in all of the corridors. John fired the city's Stardrive, lifted Atlantis a mile up, and tipped it upside down.
Elizabeth grabbed a stunner and calmly shot both of them, then ordered Drs. Beckett and Heightmeyer to do a full medical and psychical evaluation on the two miscreants. She was rewarded with a standing ovation from all of the expedition members.
Rule 824: The production of laughing gas is strictly forbidden.
After a particularly painful encounter with the Scottish physician's largest needles, Dr Kavanaugh decided that it was time for revenge. He and his co-workers created a large amount of nitrous dioxide and released it into the Infirmary's air ventilation system.
While the Command Staff acknowledged that a heartily laughing Carson was a nice and rather amusing sight, it was not worth all the cases of hyperventilation, pulled muscles and diaphragm cramps that had to be treated afterwards. Not to mention the damages to supplies and equipment caused by the medical personnel swaying and rolling on the floor, blinded by tears.
Rule 825: No more 'modified' weapons!
A. Don't you people remember what happened the last time you had a stupid idea?
Ronon got Rodney to upgrade his blaster, using a P-90, a Wraith stunner and a bantos rod. While it was very impressive, and worked remarkably well, Elizabeth and Carson made Rodney dismantle it after nineteen people were admitted to the Infirmary after Ronon tested it out.
Apparently, he'd shot at a target in the shooting gallery and blown a hole into the next room - which happened to be one of the physics labs...
Rule 826: Do not attempt to clone yourself.
A. One of you is MORE than enough, Rodney.
B. We have enough trouble as it is.
Carson was seriously considering putting the physicist in an adult sized kiddie harness. Rodney had found an Ancient device that he thought was for an all-body massage. In reality, it turned out that the machine made clones of whoever happened to be in it when it was switched on. And not just one clone. Oh no. The machine cloned McKay exponentially – which basically meant that first there were two, then four, then eight, then sixteen...
The tally reached one hundred and twenty eight before John managed to turn it off. Unfortunately, much to Carson's horror, Rodney was still stuck in it, in a kind of suspended animation – and no one knew how to get him out or wake him up.
Rule 827: Rodney-hunting is only to be done by Ronon.
The clones were out of control. In desperation, Elizabeth got Ronon to get after them, in an attempt to round them up. He managed the task rather well, until a couple of the Marines decided that they wanted in...
As it turned out, killing said clones was very bad for the original Rodney, who was still stuck in the Ancient machine. Thankfully, the clones only had a limited life span and had all suddenly ceased to exist two days later. With the clones gone, the machine let Rodney out – into Carson's clutches.
Needless to say, the Scotsman was not amused...
Rule 828: Do not attempt to skateboard while playing golf.
A. I really shouldn't have to tell you this, John.
B. When God was giving out common sense, not only were you not in the line, you weren't even on the bloody list!
John, his skateboard and a bet from Lorne. Now the Air Force man was keeping Rodney company in the Infirmary and plotting how to escape the wrath of Carson.
Rule 829: All personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to play with dangerous toys.
A. And yes, that includes the impressive but unsafe 'walking stick swords' that the nice people on Iridia gave us.
B. Just because they've been used in popular films, it does not entitle you lot to try it!
The expedition had a new craze – swords fights with real swords. The Iridians had given SGA-7 and 11 walking sticks that concealed extremely sharp (and therefore potentially lethal) swords as a gesture of thanks after both teams saved them from the Wraith. Unfortunately, they'd been watching far too many movies (especially pirate ones) and had taken it into their heads to stage 're-enactments'.
Luckily, no one was too badly hurt, but Carson got fed up with stitching up cuts and mild stab wounds.
Rule 830: Rabbit ears are now a contraband item.
A. And yes, Elizabeth, that includes you too.
B. It's for your own good, love.
Elizabeth had a pair of fancy dress rabbit ears. They were black, fluffy and (as far as John was concerned) ridiculously sexy. When she wore them for a dare, the Air Force man pounced on her...
Elizabeth ended up in the Infirmary, trying to explain to Carson just how she'd ended up gaining a concussion in the privacy of her own quarters. Her 'I slipped in the shower' routine wasn't working too well, though – nor was it helped when John promptly 'fessed up out of complete embarrassment.
Carson didn't stop laughing for a whole week, Elizabeth still blushed every time anyone mentioned rabbits and John had decided to flee to the mainland.
Rule 831: Never call your teammates 'Redshirts'.
A. Antagonising the soldiers that protect us is always bad idea.
B. This is Pegasus Galaxy - sooner rather than later you WILL need them to pull your arse out of the fire.
Doctor Burns of SGA-11 had struck again. This time, he didn't even have to leave Atlantis to get in trouble...
He attended the briefing before the mission to M23-T78 in a nasty (or 'suicidal' in Rodney's opinion) mood, and in thirty minutes flat, managed to insult everyone in the room, the U.S. government, the Mess Hall's coffee, Dr. Peter's translation of an Ancient text, Rodney and Radek's upgrades to the Jumper navigation systems, and finally went on to rant about the military contingent's lack of usefulness.
At this point, DeSoto's Latino temper finally erupted. Screaming bloody murder, the young Marine jumped over the table and crashed into Burns - and it took Ronon, Lorne and two soldiers on security detail to pry the Lieutenant's fingers off of the anthropologists throat.
Rule 832: You can't survive planetfall!
A. Seriously, it's a scientific fact – don't even try.
B. If you do, you will be too stupid to live - and we won't save you.
A young engineer under Colonel Caldwell's command decided to impress his girlfriend by repeating the most impressive stunt from the newest Star Trek movie. He put on an EVA suit, strapped on a parachute borrowed from one of the '302 pilots, and, in an amazing display of stupidity, jumped from an airlock towards Lantea's surface. Lucky for the Kirk-wannabe, the Daedalus's close range sensors were online and Hermiod managed to transport him to the Infirmary before he dived too deep into the atmosphere.
The close encounter with the atmospheric friction resulted in third degree burns to 25% of his body, and many sleepless nights for Carson.
Rule 833: All personnel are reminded that Bexley does not play well with others.
A. Stop aggravating him.
B. I'm not gluing your sorry arse back together again.
'Bexley' was a giant sea serpent that the Marine Biologists had discovered circling around Atlantis. After the initial hysteria died down, it turned out that the snake wasn't carnivorous and actually liked people. (And not in a 'I bet you'd taste good' kind of way.)
Bexley was very fond of Teyla, for some reason, and the two could often be seen during down time swimming and 'surfing' in the ocean next to the South Pier. Unfortunately, Bexley wasn't so fond of the Marine Biologists, and resented giving them rides around the city (although he didn't seem to mind it if it was Teyla). Eventually, the beast's docile temperament snapped and he tried to take a chunk out of Dr Jergen's leg.
Carson yelled at the man unmercifully while he repaired the damage done – then he went and gave Bexley Dr Jergen's helping of chocolate fudge cake.
Rule 834: Whoever is doing this - stop spamming YouTube NOW!
A. The NID is ready to launch investigation, and we don't want them in Atlantis.
A mysterious user with the nickname 'ModernAncient' uploaded many intriguing movies on YouTube. Interested spectators could watch an iconic Gray Alien (recognised by the expedition as none other than Hermiod) walking down the street, the Loch Ness Monster (a.k.a. Bexley, the giant sea snake from Lantea's ocean), Bigfoot (or rather, a hairy, semi-human native from PX5-60L) and even a Chupacabra (in reality, a very ugly but harmless herbivore from Belkan).
Since all of them indisputably pointed towards Atlantis, General O'Neill had a long private talk with Elizabeth, Radek went through all the communication logs with Earth, and 'ModernAncient's' account was deleted.
Oddly enough, at about the same time Carson Beckett went on massive sulk... but it had to be a coincidence, right?
Rule 835: Until you learn to play nice 'Counterstrike' is banned.
The 'Counterstrike' online game was one of the most popular methods of spending free time on Atlantis. The "Goons" and "Geeks" mercilessly hunted each other in virtual world, for many hours each week... until the Marines decided that the Scientists couldn't possibly kick their asses so thoroughly and repeatedly without cheating.
The response to this insult was immediate, and this time fights erupted in real life. After the Infirmary got stuffed with victims of fist fights and stunner fire, Carson rounded Ronon, Bella and all pets and went on warpath. Order was restored quickly and ruthlessly, and Lorne and Zelenka (as leaders of both factions), under the threat of the biggest available needles, sat to discuss peace.
John and Rodney, meanwhile, just laughed.
Rule 836: All personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to build warships.
A. Even if they ARE really cool.
B. If you two bampots don't pack it in, I'm not going to be held responsible for my actions...
John somehow managed to bribe Rodney into building him a brand new warship after Lorne and Radek destroyed the Orion. While 'Omega' was very impressive, it was also bloody dangerous. Rodney, being the genius that he was, had managed to equip the new ship with live nuclear warheads, a modified version of the Asgard beaming weapon, drones, a cloaking device similar to that found in the Jumpers and even a modified Wraith scoop. After the boys tested Omega out against the Daedalus, Caldwell went into a massive strop (mainly at how much cooler their ship was) and demanded that it be dismantled.
The boys, of course, refused and all hell broke loose. Omega and the Daedalus got into a fire fight above the city and nearly blew Lantea up before Elizabeth and Carson stepped in.
Needless to say, the Omega was dismantled and Caldwell was very happy. John and Rodney, however, were now in a massive sulk and refused to talk to anybody on base.
Rule 837: You are not allowed to create a holodeck!
A. Honestly, lads, you're starting to send me grey!
In retaliation for having their newest toy confiscated and dismantled, John and Rodney decided to build a holodeck for Atlantis. Everyone was amazed that it actually worked – Rodney had managed to salvage part of an abandoned Ancient experiment that was intended to create virtual worlds. Everything was fine, until the boys discovered why the Ancients had abandoned the experiment. As it turned out, the device that Rodney had used as the basis for the holodeck drained the user's life force every time it was activated. Luckily, Carson and Ronon were on hand – they managed to get John and Rodney out of the machine before it was too late.
Now both of them were in the Infirmary recovering – and yelling about how 'this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't destroyed our ship!'
Carson, meanwhile, took some extra strong sleeping pills and locked himself in his quarters until the terrible twosome were released.
Rule 838: I SAID NO BUILDING WARSHIPS!
John and Rodney were trying to send Carson completely batty. Rodney had built another warship, this time with a more modest arsenal, and John had let him name it. Inevitably, the physicist had chosen 'Enterprise'...
Now John was running around dressed up as Kirk, while the rest of the expedition agreed that Rodney made a very convincing Scotty... Carson, however, just sat in his office and rocked back and forth.
Rule 839: Do not mention John around Teyla.
A. Or Elizabeth.
B. One catfight was more than enough, thank you.
John and Elizabeth were an item. That much was clear. However, it also transpired that there was some serious UST between Teyla and John, which Elizabeth didn't take too kindly to. She also objected at the amount of time John spent in 'sparring sessions' with the Athosian...
Luckily, Carson and Rodney managed to intercept the girls before things got bloody – until Dr Parrish got wind of the rumours. Everyone on base was shocked that the quiet, unassuming man was actually Teyla's boyfriend, but even more so when Tim went into an apoplectic rage and challenged John to a good old-fashioned duel. Lorne managed to talk him out of it, but alas, peace was simply not meant to be.
Tim was still baying for John's blood, and pissed off that Evan had stopped him from his much deserved vengeance. Lorne, meanwhile, was angry with John, who was angry with Teyla for the rumours she'd been spreading. Teyla was ready to kick all their arses and scratch Elizabeth's eyes out as an encore, while the expedition leader was none too subtly limbering up for another smack-down...
Carson and Rodney simply stood to one side and let the lot of them get on with it, claiming that they 'just needed to clear the air'. They also made quite a large sum of money on the betting pool that 'miraculously' sprang into existence. After the worst was over, Carson rounded up his troops and wheeled the fighters into the Infirmary, where he gave them the bollocking of their lives.
Rodney, Radek and Ronon just stood in the doorway and laughed themselves sick.
Rule 840: Do not infect Dr McKay with the Wraith retrovirus.
A. If you thought Bug Sheppard was terrifying, you really haven't seen anything yet...
One of the Medics accidentally mixed up a vitamin shot with a dose of the infamous retrovirus, which she then administered to Rodney...
Six hours later, and everyone was hiding in their quarters as 'Spider-McKay' stalked around the city. Unfortunately for the physicist, the effect of the retrovirus was stronger than it had been for John, meaning that he was completely blue, crawling around on all fours (mainly on the ceiling) and had a mouth full of mildly venomous teeth. He also seemed to have gained the ability to spin webs, earning him the nickname... Thankfully, John, Ronon and Teyla managed to catch him before he could do any real damage, and Carson was able to administer the antidote.
The rest of the expedition decided that they like the human version better and breathed a collective sigh of relief.
Ha ha! Another chapter done! Hope you enjoyed that latest batch – and remember, R&R is a great way to spend your free time. Also, any prompts/ideas/suggestions are currently being met with open arms, lots of love and virtual!cookies (chocolate fudge ones), so keep 'em coming.