A/N: I'm so sorry for the long delay! Holidays, craziness, you know the drill. Love you all, enjoy, and please review!
The dying fire warmed her face, but Lily's hands were freezing as she sat curled into one of the large cushy armchairs of the Gryffindor common room. The flames painted a pretty picture; dancing shadows that pressed through her closed lids. Her skin felt raw and puffy as she inhaled deeply under the curtain of hair that covered most of her face like a veil or a shield from the outside world. After spending a tormented night letting rage and bitterness run through her, there was only one feeling left that she hadn't cried out in the sea of tears. Deep down in the pit of her stomach, Lily felt sad beyond repair. She was heartbroken.
"Has she said anything?" Sirius' low voice spoke up somewhere close behind her.
"Nope. Not a peep since last night," Dorcas whispered back. Judging from their hushed voices, the group of Gryffindors gathered around Lily were under the honest impression that she was fast asleep. Maybe she was after all, Lily thought, or dreamed, and wished that her hands wouldn't feel quite as cold as they did, or that they at least would go numb, like her insides were.
"Last night?" she could make out a worried sounding Remus amongst the group, "She said something last night?"
"Well… yes," Dorcas paused, seemingly in conflict with herself over if she was breaking a code by entrusting the others with what she knew. Lily could care less. Could she become any more humiliated than she was now? It was highly doubtful.
Dorcas seemed to silently agree and continued slowly, "She kept saying… A word."
"A word?" it was Peter Pettigrew with his irregular, squeaky voice.
"Shh! Yes, a word," Dorcas responded, stalling while still uncertain if she should continue.
"Which would be?" Sirius urged on with growing impatience.
Dorcas sighed deeply before she sheepishly mumbled, "Cerulean."
"Serulevan!?" Sirius blurted loudly.
"Shh!" Marlene hissed, and apparently inflicted some sort of pain upon Sirius, since a suppressed wail erupted from the boy, "Cerulean, you buggering wanker."
"Yes," Dorcas spoke up, calmly, "She stormed in through the portrait hole at around nine-thirty, tears streaming down her face, and all I could make out between sobs was 'cerulean'."
"Ceroovean," Sirius repeated incorrectly.
"Yes, Black, cerulean," Marlene snapped back impatiently, and Lily could practically hear her rolling her eyes at the other boys, who were surely as unaware as Sirius of the gravity of the word.
"Oh, okay," Sirius responded in a mocking tone, but it was missed by Dorcas and Marlene.
"Yes, I know, it's horrible," Marlene declared and started to stroke Lily's limp auburn locks out of her face.
"Yes," Sirius agreed, before he thought it over, "Wait… what?"
"Just awful," Dorcas added solemnly, sniffing a little as she said the words.
"But," Sirius argued dumbly with the two Gryffindor girls.
"What is sheruvean?" Peter finally dared to ask.
"A colour, Pete!" Dorcas rounded on him for being an insensitive pig, forgetting all about how they were speaking softly out of respect for Lily's seemingly peaceful slumber, "the colour of the devil, of course!"
"Ohh," Peter said as if everything was falling into place, "Wait… what?"
"Don't look at me!" Remus suddenly voiced defensively.
"So… what's the deal with cerubrian?" Sirius tried again with growing impatience.
"Don't you pay attention AT ALL!?" Dorcas suddenly flipped and Sirius wailed again in pain, "How many times are we supposed to explain this to you block heads?!"
"I swear you haven't explained it once," Sirius argued back in a growl.
"Actually, he's right," Remus agreed softly.
"Are we going to breakfast soon?" Peter squeaked innocently.
"Breakfast?!" Lily heard the crunching sound of Marlene pulling Peter towards her by his red-and-gold tie, "How can you even think about a meal right now, when we've got a code cerulean on our hands, Pettigrew!?" Lily opened her eyes a crack and observed through her lashes that the group had gathered around the fireplace in front of her.
"Okay, easy there McKinnon," Sirius tentatively removed Marlene's hands from closing around Peter's neck, "Why don't you just explain the situation to us without using encrypted messages or code words, huh?"
"Cerulean," Dorcas sighed as if she was explaining a Wronski bluff to senior muggle citizens, "is the colour of Alexa Johnson's new shawl."
"What's a shawl?" Peter promptly asked with bright eyes.
"Um, a shawl is an item of SO BESIDE THE POINT, PETER!" Marlene screeched at the stout boy, who cowered away quickly. Lily thought it was probably a good time to start 'waking up' before anyone got seriously injured.
"Ah," Sirius mouth coiled into a bitter smile, "of course."
"James, James, James," Remus ran a pale hand through his sand coloured hair.
"Well, I guess there was actually a silver lining to my study night with Madley ending at eight-thirty, after he had deemed my Charms essay as adequate," Dorcas grunted through gritted teeth, "at least someone was here when she came through the portrait. By the look of her, Lily's next stop was a nice jump off the Astronomy Tower."
Sirius barked loudly, "You had a study date on a Saturday night and studied?"
"SO glad you're finding this amusing, Black!" Dorcas hissed back and Sirius yelped when she almost shoved right into the fireplace.
"Good morning," Lily announced softly and the group whipped around to face her.
"Lily!" Marlene and Dorcas jumped to embrace her, while a guilt-stricken expression immediately crossed the boys' faces.
"Are you alright?" Dorcas demanded, stroking her friend's long hair.
"Do you need anything?" Marlene soothingly took Lily's hands into hers, "SWEET MERLIN, were your hands kissed by a dementor!?"
"Marls!" Dorcas eyed Marlene accusatorily, "Do you want us to go get you something from downstairs for breakfast?" Lily truly appreciated her friends' fussing about, as it made her feel more like she was a sick patient with a broken limb, rather than an ordinary girl with a broken heart.
"Breakfast sounds amazing," Peter spoke up, and Remus and Sirius instantly elbowed him in either side in a swift move, but Lily smiled at the inconsiderate boy with the watery eyes nonetheless.
"Yes Peter, breakfast does sound amazing, doesn't it? Let's head downstairs," the redhead did not fail to notice the looks that were passed around the group as she swiftly stood up from her cosy armchair, but chose to fully ignore them as she brushed her hair out of her face.
"Lily, are you sure?" Marlene urgently whispered, so that only Dorcas and she could hear.
"Sure I'm sure," Lily said aloofly, but her friends' expression showed that they weren't going to buy her indifferent act one bit, "Look. I didn't get what I want last night, alright? I know that. It sucks, believe me. But I sat in that chair crying all night, and guess what; nothing about my situation has changed. All I can do now is move on. Or at least try to. And all I can do to that effect at this moment is eat breakfast with my friends, because that makes me feel a little happier, alright? So let's just go downstairs. How do I look?"
"Um," replied Marlene matter-of-factly.
"Uh," Dorcas swallowed.
"You look like shit, sweety," Marlene scrunched her small nose.
"Marls!" Dorcas said in horror and slapped the dark-haired girl's upper arm.
"Well?!" Marlene said defensively, rubbing the spot that Dorcas had just hit.
"You could use a little freshening up, is all," Dorcas smiled widely and lovingly at the head girl, and Lily's heart sank further, "Do you want something to put on?"
"I'm cold," Lily mumbled, rubbing her arms as she shivered.
"Black!" Marlene called over to three boys that were standing huddled in a circle next to the portrait hole, talking in hushed voiced while they waited for the girls to finish up.
"Yes, princess?" Sirius cooed, grinning over goofily.
"Go get one of your sweatshirts from upstairs. Lily is turning into an icicle."
Sirius' eyebrows rose up high, but he did as he was told without further discussion and made his way up to the boys' dormitory with his hands shoved deep inside his pockets.
"Can't I just borrow something of yours?" Lily pleaded, irritated with whatever mission Dorcas and Marlene had.
"No," Marlene responded swiftly while looking her petite friend up and down, "Look, pumpkin, you're basically porcelain doll, right? Maybe one who's spent the night being chewed on by a stray werewolf, but still, you look great. We'll get you into a guy's sweater and fix your hair, and that's really all you need."
At that moment, the portrait hole swung open.
"You won't believe it," Preena Patil stepped in through the portrait hole, her long hair up in an elegant bun, "the entire Great Hall is talking about nothing else. James Potter and Alexa Johnson are dating again!"
Marlene bit her lip as Lily's eyes glazed over.
"Right. I'll go get the mascara," Dorcas nodded, turned on her heal and made to head up to the girls' dormitories.
The Great Hall was buzzing with people. It was past nine-thirty, and most of the student body had made it down to a relaxed Sunday morning breakfast by now. Lily tugged at her large black sweater that smelled soothingly of Sirius' spicy musk and cigarettes. Marlene and Dorcas had pulled her auburn locks into a high ponytail to cover its limpness and heaped a good bit of makeup under her eyes. Still, Lily knew that the puffiness and her general appearance of fatigue had to be obvious to anyone that stepped closer than a few yards. And at this point, she didn't truly care.
"There they are," Lily followed Dorcas' gaze to the Ravenclaw table, where Potter and Johnson sat closely together, sharing a piece of toast, "Oh, sorry Lily, I didn't mean to point them out like this!"
Lily swallowed hard, but the lump in her throat only seemed to grow as she couldn't help but watch the couple intently. Johnson threw her head back, giggling loudly at something that James had whispered in her ear.
"It's fine," Lily sighed deeply as she pulled her gaze away from the two, "I mean, it's going to be fine." She added a silent 'hopefully', as the group of Gryffindors steered towards their designated table and sat down in the few empty seats that were left at the far end of the hall, close to the professors' table. Dorcas and Marlene settled in to either side of Lily, like they were her personal escort, and Remus, Peter and Sirius took seats close them on the opposite side of the table.
"Stupid weasel, shoving it in your face like that," Dorcas fussed as she spread jam on a crispy golden toast. Lily's stomach turned at the sight of the food that was usually so delicious to her. She feared that she wouldn't be able to keep down one bite, but Dorcas had already placed the jam-covered toast in her hand and swiftly continued in topping a second one for herself. Lily nibbled at the jam. It wasn't as bad as she thought it would be.
"Well, since Lily and James are not dating, I don't think he's rubbing anything in anyone's face, right?" Marlene shrugged as she reached her hand out for a plate of fruit placed at the centre of the table.
"Marlene!" Dorcas hollered, throwing her jam toast at the brunette Quidditch player, "How can you even say something like that!?"
"OI!" Marlene spat a grape seed back into the huffing Dorcas' golden locks.
"Dori, she's right," Lily sighed as she ducked from being attacked with breakfast foods. Even though she didn't appreciate Marlene's honesty as much as she might have liked, Lily had to admit the truth behind it, "James didn't do anything wrong. I didn't ask him out and he didn't ask me out. Not officially anyway. If he has feelings for Alexa Johnson, he should be with her."
"Sorry to break it to you love, but I'm not entirely sure that feelings need to be involved here," Sirius chimed in as he took a gulp from his pitch black coffee.
"Fantastic," Lily rolled her eyes, "thanks for the well wishes, Black."
"I'm saying this is a good thing!" Sirius claimed defensively, "Just because he's shagging Johnson, doesn't mean he wouldn't much rather shag you." It was Remus' buttered toast that now flew across the table and landed on Sirius' jumper, "OI! Careful with the eatables, Moony, I'm giving my clothes away to charity cases left and right here!"
"What he's trying to say," Remus moved on, fully ignoring Sirius, "is that even though James may be actively... seeing Alexa Johnson again... that does not necessarily mean that he still likes her."
"Right, I should've said that differently, more tactful," Sirius nodded solemnly as he wolfed down his newly acquired buttered toast, "What I meant to say is, that even though James is likely shagging Alexa Johnson, that doesn't mean he wouldn't much rather hold your clammy cold hands instead. Blimey, he'd probably settle for eating your fingernails as crisps for dinner!"
"That's absolutely grotesque, Black," Lily scrunched her nose at the image in her head.
"Yes, love," Sirius nodded again in agreement, "Yes it is."
"And it doesn't in the least change the one problem that remains," Lily continued soberly.
"Which is?" Sirius inquired, taking another swig of his coffee.
"That he's likely shagging Alexa Johnson," Lily sighed, and she felt tears swelling up again. As she quickly looked over her shoulder, she could have sworn that James' head was turned towards the Gryffindor table as well. But when she blinked the tears away and her vision cleared, his gaze had already shifted back to Alexa's tea, and Lily couldn't be entirely sure of what she had seen.
"Are you sure you want to go?" Dorcas asked her in an unusually sweet tone. The group of Gryffindors was lounging around their favourite spot around the fireplace in the Gryffindor tower. Remus and Peter were fully absorbed in a match of chess, which Remus was losing miserably, while the rest were just finishing up their laborious transfiguration homework.
"Yes, I'm sure," Lily nodded, packing up her quill and parchment back into the book bag that Remus had retrieved for her from the Head Dorms during lunch time, "I can't just not show up for rounds. Especially now as head girl, even despite of me not liking my rounds partner. Rather, in spite of liking him, I should say."
"But it will be so shitty," Marlene argued, pulling at Lily's arm to try and get her to stay.
"Yup," Lily agreed, removing herself from Marlene's grip and as she stood up from the sofa. Lily had managed to take a shower after breakfast and was feeling much better already, now that she smelled of her old friend, the abandoned papaya shower gel. The group of Gryffindors had proven to be as loyal as their reputation made them out to be, and they had spent the whole day together, strolling across the windy school grounds and engaging in different attempts to cheer Lily up. This consisted mainly of Sirius levitating and burying a flailing Peter Pettigrew under the heaps of leaves that Hagrid had raked into huge piles all over the lawn. Now that the sun had set, it was time for Lily to meet James in the Prefects' Staff Room to commence in their first patrols together.
"Tell you what," Sirius looked up from burning a hole into the sofa cushions with his wand, "I'll pick you up after you're done and I'll treat you for dessert."
"Dessert?" Lily inquired suspiciously, crossing her arms in front of her chest after she had lifted her book bag over her shoulder.
"We'll check if there's pumpkin pie leftovers in the kitchens," Sirius nodded, wriggling his eyebrows at her suggestively.
"Hm," Lily thought over the proposal before she nodded back, grinning a little, "yeah, okay Black."
"Alright, see you later, Ace," Sirius gave her a thumbs up and Marlene wore an annoyed expression as she eyed the two.
"Bye now," Lily waved, and the group murmured back a lazy farewell in unison.
As Lily turned her final corner on the fifth floor, she saw that a yellow light glowed behind the window of the Prefects' Staff Room door and cast long shadows of the statues along the hallway. When Lily made it to the door, she took a deep breath and stepped inside.
James Potter sat at the large wooden table situated at the centre of the rectangular room, pouring over sheets of parchment as his spectacles slid down the rim of his nose.
"Hey," Lily breathed nervously. James looked up at her and she shuddered under his gaze and the tension that filled the room.
"Hi," James said back softly, averting his eyes quickly and fixating on the parchments in front of him, "I've been trying to have a go at next month's patrol schedules. Most Quidditch teams are upping their training sessions starting October, and there are quite a few overlaps of players and prefects. McGonagall says, she doesn't remember it being this conflicting since she's started here."
Lily stepped over to where James was sitting and looked over his shoulder at the large timetables that were filled with his narrow handwriting, "Well first of all, the fifth years can accompany each other, now that they've got the hang of things. So you don't need to pair them with upperclassmen anymore."
"Right," James crossed out a few unfortunate pairings on the parchment.
"And you can't group Avency and Donough together," Lily reached over James' shoulder and touched the sheet where the names stood together with her index finger, "They had a bad breakup last spring and every time they're near each other, it harms the school more than they help it."
"Yeah?" James crossed out two slots and craned his neck to look up to where Lily stood behind him.
"Yes," Lily nodded and scanned the sheet once more, "And why have you paired us together each Sunday night?" The head girl tapped the column where her and James' name stood together over and over again underneath each other.
"I thought it'd be good to combine our weekly meetings with a patrol," James turned to look back at the parchment and tapped his quill rapidly in a nervous habit, blotting the sheet with dark ink at its upper right-hand corner, "Thought it'd save us both some time. Should I cross it?"
Lily bit her lip and twirled her ponytail around her finger, "No. No, that's okay."
"What, Evans?" James ran a hand through his hair and Lily closed her eyes as she breathed in the intoxicating scent that surged up from the top of his head, "You can't stand to take a bloody walk around the castle with me one hour a week?"
"I said that it's fine," Lily said back, snapping a little, and then added without thinking, "I just thought you might've wanted to patrol with Alexa."
To her dread, she had said the words out loud. James' head turned again to look back up at her and Lily's cheeks flushed pink.
"Or Remus or Kendrick or someone!" she added quickly.
"Oh," James said, turning back to the sheet and shook his head, "No, I'm good. Unless you have another preference? Nice shirt, by the way."
Lily's heart raced as she tucked at Sirius' jumper, which hung loosely on her frame, "Thanks. Erm. No. No, that's okay. Sundays work for me."
"Brilliant," James said overenthusiastically, pulling away his hand as he noticed the ink-drunk hole that had formed where he had tapped his quill, "Are we heading out, then?"
"Yes, okay," Lily stood back so that James could move out of his chair. Now that he stood so closely to her, she saw that he looked a bit tired as well. Then again, she didn't even want to know what she looked like right now. She had been avoiding mirrors all day.
"D'you reckon we're set for the Muggle Monday kickoff tomorrow?" James inquired after they had walked a few corridors in awkward silence, "we haven't really discussed it since the last Prefects Meeting."
Lily was glad for the kind offer of small talk, "Yes, I think everything is in order. I've been collecting terms all week and now I just have to copy them onto strips of parchment."
"I could help you out with that," James offered politely.
"Oh," Lily held her illuminated wand out to cast a spotlight down an empty corridor, "thank you for the offer... it's just-"
"Come on, Evans," James' polite tone was coated with a hint of desperation now, "I know it's been- just let me help you out, okay?"
"It's not that," Lily responded quietly, tucking a few strands of hair behind her left ear, "I just didn't want you to see what I've written down because I thought you might like to play."
"Oh!" James sounded relieved and finally cracked the hint of his signature grin as he caught Lily's eye, "Actually, that'd be brilliant! Thanks, Evans."
"Sure," Lily smiled back up at him, "I thought it might also be encouraging for the younger students."
James frowned, "To see me play?"
"To see you fail," Lily couldn't help but grin from ear to ear when James' facial features formed into a mock-shocked expression and his right hand moved to hold his heart.
"I will have you know, Evans, that my knowledge of the muggle world goes far beyond the ordinary wizard's. Tellyphones, Clarence House, football- you name it! Did you think I took N.E.W.T level Muggle Studies for Quirrel's slapstick comedy routine? Let me assure you, after he drops the radio four times over, it gets old rather quick."
"Yes, but do you know if you should apply Tides or Fairy when you spill something on your robes?" Lily gleefully teased the tall Quidditch player.
"What?" James examined her to see if she was asking a trick question, "What good would fairies do if I've got a cleaning charm?"
"Exactly," Lily smiled as they turned a corner and strolled back down the fifth floor corridor, "But not to worry, I've prepared wizarding world questions as well. It's all about uniting the student body, isn't it?"
"Good thinking, Lils," James nodded as he opened the door to the Prefect's Lounge for her and Lily had to smile at the use of her nickname. Suddenly James' tone changed and he casually inquired, "So, did you have fun last night?"
"Um," Lily's heart sunk; she was so tired of playing games, "Actually, I left fairly early."
"Oh yeah?" James replied nonchalantly.
"Yeah," Lily said softly and walked back over to the large wooden table to sort through the papers they had left sitting on the desk earlier.
"Yes, well, it wasn't my sort of party, I can tell you that," James said aloofly as he vanished a few of the scrap parchments with his wand.
Lily stared at the Sunday's column of the patrol schedule in her hand, Lily and James, Lily and James, Lily and James, and breathed in sharply, "I left after you did."
"Huh?" James looked up from his wand, searching her uncertain face, not quite understanding.
"It was just... you were so angry with me, the whole evening," she tried to explain, fidgeting to place the schedule in its binder, "that horrible carriage ride-"
"I know," James interrupted her, frowning, "I'm sorry about the way I acted, alright? But you weren't quite your charming self either, if we're being honest here."
"Yes, I know," Lily sighed, remembering how she had taunted him in front of Krum, "That's why I wanted to talk to you."
"Yeah, it's good that we're talking," James nodded, leaning back onto the large wooden table.
Lily snapped the hinges of the binder shut. "Last night."
"Last night?" James crossed his arms in front of his chest and gave her a questioning look.
"I left the party," Lily tried to explain. She wished that he could just read her mind, but James' expression read as quite confused and she was forced to continue, "I followed you up to the castle."
"You-," Suddenly something changed behind James' eyes. He seemed to catch on, as he unfolded his arms to push his glasses up his nose and stood up from the table. Lily bit her lip as he moved towards her. Then, the door to the Prefect's Staff Room swung open.
"Hey James! Ready?" the leggy Quidditch player lost her jubilant smile when she realized that she might have just walked into something intimate.
"Alexa?" James' confused gaze shifted from Lily towards his girlfriend that stood in the door, "What are you doing here?"
"Uh, picking you up from rounds?" Alexa raised her eyebrows as she examined her reacquired boyfriend and crossed her arms in front of her chest, "I thought we could spend time together in your dormitory for a bit." Lily's heart sank further and she felt like crying all over again.
"Wait outside," James suddenly ordered in a brisk tone, shifting his focus back on Lily.
"Excuse me?" Alexa demanded, her mouth agape.
"Sorry, Lex," James edited himself after he too noticed that he had just snapped at her, "Could you wait outside for a moment please? I need to finish up with Evans here."
"Oh sure, finish up with her," Alexa huffed and shut the door forcefully, so that the glass in the frame clanged.
James, apparently unfazed, turned back to Lily, who was avoided the pull of his hazel eyes.
"Alright Evans, rewind. You left sodding Slughorn's party at what time now?" James gripped both of Lily's shoulders tightly.
"Nine," Lily whispered, shaking under his touch.
"Nine," James repeated as if he was growing nauseous, shaking her a little in his grip.
"That's what I said, Potter," Lily replied coolly, catching herself and shoving his hands off of her.
But James didn't let it go, "And what exactly did you follow me for?"
"I-," Lily nervously stuttered, "well, I-" she couldn't tell him now. It was too late. Even last night, she was too late.
"WHAT, Evans!?" James rounded on her, angry with her silence.
"Don't yell at me!" Lily yelped back at him, "I- I spoke to Sirius and I just, I just-"
"You WHAT," James seemed livid and Lily didn't know what to make of his outrage. She racked her brain for a simple explanation.
"I didn't want to fight with you anymore," she finally stated limply.
"When exactly did you get in?!" James forced on greedily, making Lily feel unsure of herself.
"I-," Lily hesitated; she didn't want to give in to him, "I don't remember, alright!? It doesn't matter."
James eyes grew livid, "Oh, it matters."
"NO, James! It doesn't!" green sparks were shooting out of Lily's wand as James drew closer to her.
The door opened again.
"Hello," Sirius casually stood in the frame, looking back and forth between the two head students.
"I'll be out in a minute, Padfoot," a distracted James hastily informed him.
"Uh," Sirius frowned bemusedly at James' words, "I don't really give a shit, Prongs."
"What?" James blinked, and for a moment the head boy was whipped out of his trance. Lily saw James' face fall as he slowly seemed to recall that his best friend was not waiting at the door for his benefit, "Oh- yeah, right."
Sirius shook his head a little and focused his attention on Lily, "Evans, you about ready to leave?"
"Yes, Sirius," the head girl huffed, standing up tall, "I am so ready to leave."