AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank you, thank you, thank you to suns11 for following and reviewing, LVEU and stagediva23 for reviewing, amy1212 for favoriting, and the anonymous guests who review! You guys really help me to keep at it with this story, as hard as it's getting to be to write.

I apologize (sort of) for this chapter being as short as it is, at least compared to the other ones. But I felt like this scene needed to stand alone, to kind of push the story to where I want it to go next. Again, I'd like to remind you guys of the warning I gave at the very beginning of this story. If you're looking for a happy ending, it's probably not going to happen in this story. At least, not right now.

Keep up the reviews, please!

TWENTY

Lydia sat on the couch, blinking slowly. It had been nearly seventeen hours since Jude walked out on her, fifteen since Quinn and Clay had burst into her room, taking the pills from her, all of them screaming and crying. The rain had started early that Sunday morning and shortly after, Quinn had called Jenny, explaining the situation, and Jenny had agreed to open specially for them. They'd been sitting in silence for the last hour, while Lydia stared out the window at the rain.

"Lydia?"

She slowly brought her eyes to Jenny's.

"Honey, talk to me."

Lydia stared at the therapist for a moment, then looked back to the window. She lifted her hand to touch her fingertips to the glass, feeling the coolness there.

"I don't have anything to talk about."

Her voice was quiet, pain threading through each of her words. Jenny blinked, leaning over on her knees.

"I have a few questions I'd like to ask you."

Lydia looked over at her again, and Jenny nodded.

"When did you start the coke?"
"Spring break."

Jenny blinked. She hadn't even been expecting Lydia to answer her, and certainly not that quickly.

"Why?"

Lydia smiled, shrugging her shoulders as she gently rolled her nails over her knee through her jeans.

"Why not?"

Jenny swallowed, and Lydia continued speaking quietly.

"I just wanted to feel something. No one understands how I feel. No one knows how hard it is to crawl out of bed every morning. The coke gave me a chance to feel good, and I hadn't felt good in so long."

Jenny made a note on her notepad, then looked back up.

"But you stopped?"

Lydia nodded.

"Why?"

Lydia didn't look at her this time as she spoke.

"I did it one night, and … it was awful. I was so sick, throwing up all night long, and I … I saw these terrible things."
"You saw things?"

Lydia nodded.

"Hallucinations. I was terrified out of my mind. I guess it was a bad batch or something, but once I got over it, I swore I wouldn't do it again. And I haven't, but I … I don't know why I kept it. That's what Jude found yesterday, but I swear I haven't done it since the night I got so sick."
"What have you been doing?"

Lydia smiled.

"I went to the guy … my dealer, I guess. Told him I was done. He wouldn't take no for an answer, though. So he offered me the pills instead. I was more open to that, because I always felt kind of dirty when I did it. I didn't want to turn into that girl, you know? The desperate coke whore was not who I wanted to be."
"So you took the pills?"
"So I took the pills."

Jenny nodded, and Lydia gave her another smile.

"Oxycodone. That's what the pills are."

Jenny's eyes widened.

"Lydia."
"Yeah, I know."

Lydia absently scratched at a place on her neck, just below her ear. Her foot had been shaking and tapping ever since she'd come in. Jenny sighed, leaning forward again.

"Lydia, oxycodone is not something you can just stop taking cold turkey."
"Who said I—"
"You keep scratching at different places on your body."

Lydia dropped her hand from her elbow, where she'd been gently scratching. She looked down, and Jenny continued.

"Your foot hasn't been still since you sat down."

Lydia looked down, letting out a sigh.

"We're going to have to wean you off of it. How much were you taking?"

Lydia told her, and Jenny's eyes widened again. Lydia shrugged her shoulders.

"It kept wearing off too soon. I kept upping my dosage."
"Honey, you're smarter than this."
"Yeah, thank you. No one's told me that yet."

Lydia stood up, pacing twice before she stood and looked out the window. Jenny watched her, letting the silence hang before she spoke.

"Lydia, I just … I can't understand what would lead you to do this."

Lydia's lips kicked up in a barely-there smirk.

"You want to know the truth?"

She gently tossed her hair over her shoulder, glancing back at Jenny. Jenny nodded, and Lydia spoke quietly.

"It's been a long time coming."

Jenny didn't say anything; Lydia didn't expect her to. Lydia sighed, rubbing her hands up and down her arms.

"Did I ever tell you about when I was four?"

Jenny sat back in her chair.

"I don't believe so."

Lydia nodded.

"Probably because I try to block it out. That was the … the first time I realized life wasn't always beautiful."

Jenny tilted her head to the side, and Lydia sighed, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Quinn got a job in Africa, I think it was. Riley was two, Logan was ten. Clay thought it would be great for the whole family to go, since the job was happening during the summer. And I guess his idea of the 'whole family' did not include Jamie and me. So we were going to stay with Lucas and Peyton. But halfway through the summer, they decided it was too much to deal with their kids and Jamie and I, so they sent us to stay with Brooke and Julian. I think Brooke may have been pregnant then, or something, because they sent Jamie back to Peyton and Lucas."

Lydia shook her head, tears filling her eyes.

"I was four, spending my summer being shuffled from house to house, spending time with families that weren't mine. When Jamie and I were split up, I … I guess I kind of lost it."

She looked out the window as a tear slid down her cheek.

"I ran away. I didn't tell anyone where I was going, and I just left. I spent three days in the woods, and when they found me, I was so sick. I was dehydrated and I had this cut on my leg that got infected. Lucas was the one who found me, and he stayed by my side in the hospital. When I woke up, he asked me why I'd run away, and I was honest with him."

She turned to Jenny, eyes clear for a moment. Jenny blinked at her.

"What did you tell him?"
"That no one wanted me."

She shrugged her shoulders, tears filling her eyes again.

"Lucas brought me and Jamie home. He stayed with us until Clay and Quinn came back. But the, uh … The damage was done."

She looked at Jenny, whose dark eyes were soft.

"I was four years old, and an orphan. And the only people I'd ever been able to count on continuously proved to me that no matter how good you are, no matter what you do, they're still going to pawn you off the first chance they get."

Tears were rolling down her cheeks now.

"Ever since then … I—"

She shook her head.

"Jude was the one thing. The one constant I was always able to count on. When everyone showed me that they …"

She shook her head again, tears dripping down her cheeks.

"He was always there. He never turned his back on me. Not once. Not even when I tried to make him. And now … I've gone and screwed that up."

She shook her head again, bringing her sad eyes to Jenny's.

"I've lost everything."