Chapter 20: The Sky Opens

It's a short chapter, but I'm putting you out of your misery. Happy weekend!

Our music:

'On the Surface', by Civil Twilight

'Listen', by Collective Soul

'You Can,' by David Archuleta

'Accidentally in Love', by Counting Crows

References:

Holy Bible, Genesis 28

o~o~0~o~o

Hey you're now thirsty
Walking in the desert all alone
Hey you're now searching
Lost in isolation from your soul
The bullets you bite
From the pain you request
You're finding harder to digest
And the answers you seek
Are the ones you destroy
Your anger's well deployed

Hey why can't you listen
Hey why can't you hear
Hey why can't you listen
As love screams everywhere

Hey you now hunger
Feeding your mind with selfishness
Hey you now wander
Aimlessly around your consciousness
Your prophecies fail
And your thoughts become weak
Silence creates necessity
You're clothing yourself
In the shields of despair
Your courage now impaired

You crucify all honesty
No signs you see do you believe
And all your words just twist and turn
Reviving just to crash and burn
You're fighting till the bitter end
If only your heart could open up
And listen

~ "Listen" by Collective Soul

Sunday, February 8th, 2004, 4 AM:

Bella's House:

I left my belongings beneath the tree, eased Bella's window up and crept inside the cozy room, shutting the window behind me. Bella immediately rolled over and sat up. "Love?"

"I'm here." I removed my wet coat and set it on the rocking chair.

"Are you okay?"

"Don't worry about me, Bella. Are you all right?"

"Come here."

"I'm soaked."

"I really could not care less."

"But I care. You could catch a cold, or-"

"Get over here."

I choked back tears. "I brought your new Blackberry. I'm going away for a little while."

"Edward."

I looked at the puddle of water collecting on Bella's rug. "I need some time. I won't be away long and I want you to phone me. Promise me you won't go anywhere for the next couple of days."

Bella threw back her covers and slid out of bed. She was wearing a pretty pair of pale blue satin pyjamas that I hadn't seen before. Soberly, she took the cell phone box from my hand and placed it on her bed. Then, she walked right up to me and stared into my eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Carlisle's …"

"What?"

I blinked and looked at the ceiling. "I told him. That I murdered Esme's earthly husband. Charles Evanson. He used to beat her. He raped her over and over and called her frigid. I couldn't let him live."

"Oh, God. What did Carlisle say?"

"He… he's disappointed in me. I said a lot of things to him. I didn't want him to kick Jasper out for killing Lonnie. Jasper and Alice were going to leave the family. I couldn't let it happen."

"Oh, Edward."

"The whole… the whole family's going to fall apart because of me. Because we're all guilty. Each of them killed one and Carlisle, we broke his rules. We're supposed to turn the other cheek."

Bella set her jaw. "It's not because of you, it's because of me."

I swear my heart lurched in my chest. "Oh, no! Don't ever think that! We all love you, Bella. We'd do anything for you."

Her eyes glittered. "Would Carlisle do anything for me? What about for you? Any of you?"

I had no answer for that.

"What are you going to do?"

"I told him I'd stick around. When he's decided, he can call me and I'll go."

Bella frowned. "Decided?"

"Whether to banish me from the family."

She put her hand over her mouth. "Oh, God. Edward. What about the others?"

"He doesn't know they were involved. Don't you dare tell him. They're all safer together and I don't want the family torn apart. I don't want trouble between him and Esme, either. Promise me."

Tears swam in her eyes. "You're going to take the fall."

"I'll be all right," I gulped. "I've lived on my own before and as long as you still… You won't leave me, will you?"

She drew my wet head down onto her shoulder. "Of course not. What are you going to do?"

"I need a day or two by myself. I'll take the tent out into the forest. I'll be fine."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Bella, I need to be where I can't Hear anyone. Just for a couple of days."

"Just a day or two?"

"Yes."

"You are coming back. You won't leave me? No matter what?"

"I'm inherently selfish, Bella. I don't think I could stay away from you." Even if that were in her best interest.

"Don't stay away from me. I need you in my life. You need me, too. That's not being selfish, it's being human."

I caressed her hair. "Promise me that you won't take any risks while I'm gone."

"I promise that I'll take care of myself. Will you promise me the same?"

"I promise."

After taking her scent into my lungs, I leapt out the window and bent to collect my things. Freezing rain drizzled down the back of my neck, making me shudder. Then, I realized that Bella was already on the new phone. "Alice, I never thought Carlisle would be a person who loved conditionally. Now what are you going to do?"

"Look after each other," I ordered. I knew my sister would hear me. I tucked my suitcase and tent under my arms and ran.

My phone buzzed. It was a text from Bella:

Love you. Be safe.

Monday, February 9th, 2004, Midnight:

Edward's Meadow:

No one from the family phoned me. It had been over 33 hours since I had left home. Perhaps they had closed ranks and done as I wished, which was to stick together and keep their actions from Carlisle. Not that I wanted to be disowned. I zigzagged between hope and despair. Perhaps he would call and tell me to come home. Perhaps he didn't want me back. I wanted home, but I was willing to give it up for the sake of others. I might have to build myself a solid shelter not too far from Bella. That would be all right, wouldn't it? She could come to stay when she was older, if I built a cottage.

I had fucked up everything. My siblings and mother had killed humans because I just couldn't control my temper with those humans. I could have told the miscreants I had a gun, and they would have run away. Then, I could have hunted them down without getting my loved ones involved. Secrets would fester between the family and Carlisle. I knew from personal experience how damaging that would be. Or, they would come clean, which might cause the coven to disband.

I lay curled up under the protective, white nylon dome, afraid of the future, chilled and physically numb. When I'd first set up my mini-camp, I had tried to forget my troubles by jerking off, and I had felt too guilty to finish. I had been feeling guilty about a lot of things. Including masturbation. So, I did what I always did when I wanted to know the answer to a mortifying question: I Googled it on my phone. Onanism.

Onan, son of Judah, had a brother who died, leaving his widow, Tamar, childless. Judah said Onan had to get Tamar pregnant, to provide his dead brother with an heir. Well, Onan had intercourse with her, all right. Several times. But every time they had sex, Onan pulled out, and Tamar didn't get pregnant. God was angry, and it was up for debate whether He was angry because she wasn't impregnated, or because Onan was abusing his privilege by having sex with her over and over. Regardless, God struck Onan dead.

Some religious scholars argued God just didn't like Onan spilling his seed. I didn't think that was right, but I would sooner have chewed off my own nuts than ask anyone. Anyhow, I told myself that I had to have an outlet somewhere, even if God didn't like it. So I had buffed the rifle, as Jasper liked to call it. Several times. And it seemed to be helping me cope with the impending loss of my family, so I did it some more. And then, I started feeling more and more sappy about Bella, and rather than simply thinking about what it would be like to make love to her successfully, I concocted myself a little fantasy.

In my dream world, there were no vampires. I met Isabella Swan at a Musical Soiree in 1919, and soon after, introduced her to my doting parents. For a short time, we courted, enjoying dances, picnics and a trip to the fair. Everyone approved the match. I asked Laurie to be my best man and Bella asked a brown-eyed Alice to be her maid of honour.

I married Bella, bought her a house and took her to my bed. In my dream world, my hardness met her softness, worshipful and without fear, and we became as one, evenly yoked. I stroked myself off, envisioning a life where my mate and I could love together in sync, as effortlessly as dancing, then fall into a sweet, blessed sleep with one heart beating against the other.

I daydreamed a life where our lovemaking resulted in a handful of playful children, and envisioned myself encased in her pregnant body, cherished and cherishing, my hand wrapped around the swell of her abdomen. It was all so good (and so far removed from reality) that I climaxed several more times, until I actually managed to make myself sore. And still, I told myself the story again, just to try and escape my miserable existence.

When I fantasized about joining with my mate again, God scared the crap out of me. Figuratively speaking.

I accidentally let slip a word of thanks, for this pretty dream world where I could get away from the pain and the guilt of unlife, and He warned me that He didn't like what I was doing.

Quite suddenly, I felt odd. Drowsy. Like I might go to sleep, and never, ever wake up, just when I had something to live for. And I thought maybe He was mad at me, for examining what I had been given, and finding it insufficient. He would snuff me out. It was terrifying.

I thought, if God wanted anything from me at all, it was to take care of, and cherish, the human sent to me. And I was not to wish for things I couldn't have, like a heartbeat, and grey hair, children and grandchildren. If anything, I was to bow my head and just be grateful that somebody as perfect as Isabella Swan loved me, even if I never could manage my strength well enough to love her with my body. So I resolved to stop fantasizing about being human (even though it had lent some pleasant moments to my existence) and focus my feelings on my mate.

Huddled in a ball, I wondered if perhaps God's displeasure with my actions wasn't personal after all; maybe God was just opposed to masturbation, like Edward Masen Sr. had told me. Hey, I remembered something! He was very strict about-

My phone buzzed, making me jump out of my skin.

Bella.

I turned on my Blackberry gingerly, swallowing hard. I had broken my promise to call at 10 PM, and I expected to be in the dog house. "Hello?"

"Edward?"

"Yes, Love."

"Where are you?"

White flakes pattered gently onto the tent, caressing it, as my lips had gently touched hers after the assault. I hadn't told her the gory details of my confession to Carlisle. I was too ashamed. What ever would she think of me? But not telling her the whole truth would be dishonorable.

"I'm not far," I told her, my traitorous heart telling me to just go to her already.

"Why haven't you come home yet?" she asked gently.

"I was... scared."

"Oh, Sweetheart. You have nothing to be scared of. The family is so worried about you, and I'd kill for a hug from you. Come to me now."

Wrong or right, I obeyed with alacrity. An hour later, possessions in hand, I was standing outside the Swan house in the pouring rain, conflicted. I was bad by nature, and yet, when I was with my Bella, I felt almost human. The front door opened, and I forced myself not to run. Golden light, and warmth, spilled out of the house, silhouetting my angel in the doorway. She was wearing ridiculous navy blue flannelette pyjamas, covered in pink hearts and fat cartoon sheep with black faces, that made me want to laugh. My lamb! She stepped out into the rain and opened her arms.

I dropped my stuff and ran right into them.

Charlie Swan marched past us, wearing his robe and slippers, collected my things and brought them into the house.

"Where have you been?" Bella asked thickly, stroking my neck.

"In my special place," I said softly. "A little meadow where I like to go. It's peaceful there."

"You're freezing." She led me inside. While toeing off my boots, I could hear Charlie talking to Carlisle on the kitchen phone, and Carlisle sounded like he was crying. Bella fetched me a towel from the kitchen and draped it around my shoulders. "Go upstairs, shower and change."

Nodding, I grabbed my suitcase and headed upstairs.

"I can drive him home if you want," Charlie offered.

"Tell him I love him and everything's going to be okay."

If Carlisle had been upset, why hadn't he called me? Well, maybe it had taken him a while to make up his mind about whether to keep me or not.

When I had bathed and donned dry clothing, Bella steered me to the couch and made me sit at the end closest to their fireplace (if a wisp of a human girl can be said to make a male vampire do anything). The cherry logs burning in the hearth were balm to my spirit. The blue and orange flames licked the logs languidly.

Bella had retrieved the comforter from her room; she wrapped me up.

Charlie came into the family room, his hands in the pockets of his robe. He eyed me uncomfortably. Baggage... abused?... runaway... Dating my daughter. Carl ... frantic. "Everyone's been worried."

"Sorry."

"Where have you been?"

"Out in the forest."

His jaw dropped. "In the forest? It's freezing!"

I shrugged. "I had a tent and good gear."

Charlie's lip curled. "So that's why you showed up here, soaked to the skin." I avoided looking at him. "Why did you run away?"

I shivered. "That ... I ... Lonnie."

"It's okay, Kid. You don't have to be scared of me."

I blew out my breath. "I'm scared... of me."

Charlie frowned at me, perplexed. Bella sat next to me on the couch. Her blood sang to me. I shuddered, gulping down venom, but Charlie thought I was just cold.

"I... tried to liberate a man's private parts from his body," I said shakily. "I wanted to kill him. I tried."

Charlie nodded, seeming unsurprised. "That's natural. You're only human. Don't run away any more. Doesn't solve anything. If you need somebody to talk to, I'll get you help. Bells, too. There's a family counselor in the area who works with victims of crimes." He scratched his chin. "People like her can tell you what's normal under these circumstances. She's good."

Great. He thought I needed a psychiatrist. Hell, I did. Who did vampires line up to see?

"Don't go anywhere. Carlisle will call you in the morning." Charlie stood up and started switching off lamps. "Stay downstairs."

"Yes, sir."

Charlie locked the front door and flipped off the light in the kitchen, leaving one lamp on in the sitting room, plus the TV on, low. Bella bade me lie down with my head in her lap, while she curled her legs up and tucked her feet behind me. I hid my feet in the blanket, absorbing the heat from the fire, and my mate.

She dragged her nails through my hair, scratching. I watched Shannon Drayer interview the Mariners on the Hot Stove League Show. Even in the off season, Charlie watched baseball. Bella watched me.

My mate stroked, and stroked, and the TV droned on, and I catalogued noises in the house: the fridge whirred on and off, and the furnace ticked, and every once in a while the dry old boards creaked. Charlie got into bed with a sigh, and said a brief prayer in his head. Snow drummed softly against the windows behind me. Peaceful.

After a while, Charlie started to snore, and Bella huffed a soft laugh. "He asleep?" she breathed.

I nodded silently.

"Carlisle made up with Jasper."

"I'm glad," I murmured.

"Jazz filled me in on what you told Carlisle."

I would have wept, had I been capable. I swallowed the lump in my throat. "And yet, here you sit."

"You're not that man anymore," she murmured, scratching my scalp soothingly. She was so good. So loving. I had to make her see.

"I would have killed that Lonnie, Bella, in the most violent, nasty way I could have dreamed up. Jasper took my opportunity before I could strike."

I was bizarrely grateful and jealous at the same time. And now, Jasper was at home taking care of my parents. I had told him to take my place. I was thankful yet envious, and regretting my losses, and very confused. How crazy was I?

"I'm glad. I get the feeling he won't worry about it like you would have. He told me how kindly you treated him, and that you spoke up on his behalf with Carlisle. He was very appreciative."

"That's nice," I said woodenly.

"You know, had Carlisle not told the sibs that he wanted you to come home, there would have been a mass mutiny."

I sat straight up, practically nose-to-nose with my mate. "What?"

"They all confessed, Edward. Beginning with Esme."

"What?" My muscles locked down. No! I have to… I have to fix this!

"Shh."

I rearranged myself on the couch so that my knees touched its back, and set my head gently back on Bella's knees, silently pleading with her for answers. She stroked my face.

"Carlisle wants you home. He realized that you were right: not only was he playing favourites, he was placing conditions on loving everyone. So he told Jasper he loved him and he wanted him and Alice to stay forever. He told them all that he loved them, and that he didn't expect them to be perfect. And he told them that he was sorry that he didn't make it clear to any of you that he loves you even when you fail, and that he regretted putting pressure on individuals in the family."

My heart lifted. From reading minds, I was aware that many parents who unconsciously favoured one child over the others made the favourite feel angry, burdened, and grieved for the siblings. And it was not something that outsiders recognized as a potential problem. A favoured child with a 4.0 Grade Point Average had committed suicide the first autumn that we lived in Forks. I had warned Carlisle it was coming, but when approached, the teen rejected Carlisle's concerns, and everything had continued to spiral downward until finally he jumped. It had taken me a few days of reflection before I realized that I related to the boy. Nobody in my family had made the connection, either, so my rant at Carlisle on that sore point must have come as quite the shock.

"He wants to come and see you in the morning."

I nodded, a little bewildered and overwhelmed.

"Edward?"

I looked at her curiously.

"Esme said to thank you, for loving her so much."

I breathed shallowly, trying to keep my pieces together. "She... she knows what I did?"

Bella stroked my head. "She knows most of it. I don't think they gave her all the gory details, but she knows what you did, yes. Both to Charles, and to Lonnie."

"And," I choked. "Esme forgives me?"

"Yes. She does. In fact, she says she's sorry you grieved yourself so much, so she would undo it for your sake, but... the relief, after her ex was gone, was..." she nodded, "extreme. Yeah. She was starting to think about going to find him herself, when they got the news that he died in a fire."

"I thought she was." I shut my eyes. Esme wasn't angry, or disgusted. Once again, I had won a reprieve that I didn't deserve. "So. You... know what I'm capable of."

"Yes," Bella said solemnly.

"And you know... all of it?"

"Look at me."

I bit my lip so hard I drew venom.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. Look at me, dammit."

I slowly lifted my eyes, fearful of what I would see.

"I love you. I loved you the instant I saw you, and I will always love you. That will never change, even if you're not perfect."

"But I have to be perfect," I whispered. "Or else the monster will break out of his cage. And he could hurt you. And I would d-"

"Enough! You would never hurt me, and you know it. I'm tired of wondering whether the next time I say good-night to you is the last time I'll see you. You've had plenty of opportunities to hurt me, and you haven't done it when you were under a crap-load of stress. You haven't hurt me when I've been bleeding down your arm, for Pete's sake. Now stop fretting so much and let yourself love me."

There was no moral argument against it that was strong enough to overcome my need for her. Bella said she would suffer without me, and I knew I would suffer without her. She desired me to stay. I bowed to her wishes gratefully, and felt all the knots tied up inside me undo, and the threads of my being reach out and wrap around her beloved spirit. "All right," I agreed, moving my head closer to her heart. She held still, and I pressed the side of my face against her chest, listening to the sound of my world. Mine mine mine mine mine...

"Ahhhh."

"You like that, don't you?" my mate smiled, tracing the outline of my ear.

"You have no idea."

"Sometimes, I just wish you would stop hating yourself for what you have become. You dwell on the past, and you fear the future, and you miss out on living in the present."

"I'm not alive."

Bella grabbed onto my hair and playfully shook me by it. "You're doing an awfully good impression of it. You say Edward Masen is dead, and yet you value everything he values, and for all you say you hate the vampire, you still love the human. If you hated everything about yourself, you'd be self-destructive, see? And you're not. You treat your body with respect, and you try to live honourably, and you expect people to accord the same respect to you. People who thoroughly hate themselves don't do that."

I thought about it. Everything Bella said was right. I wasn't self-destructive: I didn't let anyone treat me badly, and I didn't do bad things to myself or people I cared about. And when I was with her, I felt so much like Masen, not Cullen. And I wanted my loved ones to be proud of me, so I acted in ways that would generate respect.

"It's just a little more challenging for you to do it, than it is for other people. But I've never met anybody who loves others as intensely as you do. You really do believe that love is a verb, don't you?"

"Yes."

"And you can't love someone else unless you love yourself first. That's what Gran Marie always told me. You're more human than you think you are, Love. Masen's not dead, you've been pushing him away. It's time to embrace him, and accept your human needs."

"How did you get so smart?" I husked.

"Dr. Phil."

I laughed, and felt her heart flutter against my cheek, resting against the softest flesh I had ever felt. "I had no idea he counselled vampires." I brushed back her hair. "When I'm with you, I forget to do anything but live in the moment. You speak, and I listen. I couldn't walk away from you. I will always come back. I'm not even sure there's a choice anymore, not that I want to lose this."

"Why on earth would you want to choose to be apart?"

"For your sake. To keep you safe."

"Sappy date. I'd be dead three times over if it weren't for you. I'm living proof that chivalry is not dead. Now rest your head, mister, or I'm going to abuse your ears with a gag-worthy song."

"But I love it when you sing," I smiled against my mate's breast. "You sound like a starving baby bird squeaking over its siblings for a morsel of food."

"Not a songbird," she said wryly. "A starling, maybe."

"A blue jay," I grinned. "My bluebird of happiness."

She snorted. "Shut up."

"Sing, Callas."

She cleared her throat nervously. I shut my eyes and nestled against her.

"I don't care who you are, where you're from, what you did, so long as you love me..."

I chuckled, delighted. I would never disparage The Backstreet Boys again. Emmett was right. There was something to be said for soggy boy bands after all.

Tuesday, February 10th, 2004, 5am:

The Swan House:

Will you come out to me, Boy?

I slid carefully out from under Bella, pushed my feet into my boots, and padded to the front door, unlocking it. I went out, searching for my father, and found him standing at the edge of the forest, head bowed. I crossed the street apprehensively, and stood close to him, waiting.

"I'm so sorry." He said softly. "I don't want you to leave me, Boy. Won't you come home?"

"You're not mad?" I blinked away nonexistent tears.

"No. You were right. If I had watched that monster do that to Esme, I would have probably done the same thing."

"I said cruel things to you on purpose." My voice cracked.

"We all say rash things sometimes, Edward. For instance, I told Jasper I was going to banish him if he killed again. I didn't think about how it would affect everyone if he broke the ultimatum, but I couldn't think of any other way to make him stop. You did, and it was by approaching him sympathetically, not that I can really sympathize, but I could have tried to put myself in his boots. Instead, I loved him conditionally, and I twisted the knife in your gut, didn't I?"

It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him he couldn't have known, but that wouldn't teach him anything. Pulling in a breath, I nodded.

"It's time to leave the guilt behind, Edward. That lifetime is long over and done with. I wish you'd talk to God, because I want you with me in Heaven someday. Regardless, everybody loves you, and if you don't come back we'll all be devastated. It's time to let us get close to you. Home should be a place where you can always come, and know you're welcome. A safe haven. Won't you come into the family circle?" He offered me a hug.

I stepped forward very slowly, into his arms. I wasn't about to turn him down, when being part of the family was so important to me, but I still thought he wouldn't like me anymore if he knew how many people I had actually killed. But I had repented for those murders, and I didn't think he would ever find out, so there was no point in talking about it. I was hoping, if Bella stuck around like she said she would, that I would someday neglect to notice my ghosts.

"Time to start living, rather than existing," Carlisle told me while I rested my face against his shoulder.

"That's what Bella said."

Carlisle released me, smiling warmly. "Smart girl. I love her to bits."

"Me too."

Some raucous noise intruded, and a Kwoli Ute skidded out of the trees, and ran in a circle, morphing down to human. I flinched, and Carlisle growled softly, but the boy didn't seem aggressive, but happy. He grabbed a piece of cloth that was tied to his leg, and I realized it was his shorts. He pulled them on, and practically skipped over to us. I decided Embry Call was weird.

"Hey, suckers!" he greeted us, and we watched him warily. Beautiful day, gonna be perfect for skating.

"Embry," I acknowledged him.

"Billy and Sam want a Parley. Boundary line, soon as you're done school today. Bring the whole fam-damnly. Bella, too."

"Okay," I said, perplexed.

Shiznit! "Have a nice day, Spiderman. You too, Dr. Fang."

"Thanks," we answered, wondering at his change in attitude.

"You too," I offered.

"That's certain," he grinned, skipping away to phase again. 'Well baby I surrender to the strawberry ice cream! Never ever end of all this love; Well I didn't mean to do it; But there's no escaping your love ...'

"Well, that was ... encouraging," Carlisle decided.

"He's singing Accidentally in Love in his head," I mused aloud. Maybe there was a chance that I would get my happy ending after all.