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Perhaps I did have a choice here. I could attempt to heal myself. Bitter memories came to mind of the last time I had attempted it. I'd probably die anyway without Edward singing the agonising hysteria away. That death would be exponentially more painful than the current one on this cold kitchen floor. My muscles started to quiver due to lack of oxygen. It was now or never.

I decided to try.

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Chapter 21 – A Heart.

It was getting difficult to think. To get through this alone, I planned on following three simple steps.

One. Remember how I managed last time.

Two. Do it, healing only the bare essential - the area just under my chin and air duct. The several cuts, mostly on my face and hands from the Cullen Manor glass weren't lethal, neither were the bruises on my back from the stairs, or the crushed right hand inflicted by John's arm. What a mess… But the more I'd try to heal, the more danger I would expose myself to.

Step three… was beyond me. I decided not to waste valuable seconds contemplating that.

I remembered, from the previous time, focussing on the white energy within my blood, bones, and soul. Making it palpable as possible, and move it to the necessary area. Alright, here we go. I didn't have to shut my eyes to help the focussing along. Even though I knew the kitchen had to be brightened by dull sunlight, everything was black before my eyes.

I started to concentrate on the light energy somewhere in me.

Focus…

FOCUS…

I didn't feel it.

Couldn't find it.

I was dominantly lethargic due to suffocation and blood loss. But believe me, I was panicking. I knew what the discriminating factor was, because the intricate connections that I've been feeling over the past few hours were missing. Just like the moonlight was from the sky.

Damn sun! Damn Edward! This was as much his fault as it was mine.

Now that I had made the choice for life, I was determined to stick to it. During the day my white strands of hair did not change back. There was power in me. There had to be… Just, less potent, or obvious, or so I hoped. I had no feeling in my limbs, time was running out. My story would not end here. Not while I was alone. Not while my mom was in potential danger.

With pristine courage I dug deeper into the core of my being in search of the divine light. I concentrated on my bones, knowing that my blood would be rather useless to me now – it being mostly on the floor, and not in my body.

I tried to envision the hard structures that made up my skeleton. With tremendous determination, I siphoned what I imagined to be a glowing semi-liquid from it. Luckily the process didn't require physical strength or mental capabilities. The exertion was above that, as if my soul were directing and suffering the process.

I coerced the numinous energy immediately to my throat. I couldn't feel it working. More panic. Perhaps the reason was because I couldn't feel my body as a whole? Or Maybe I was merely dreaming here, hallucinating about pretty tiny lights. Was I not to be shown a rerun of my life?

I bit back my fear to maintain focus and concentration. I was awfully wary and strained by the effort, more than I ever thought I could endure. No doubt I was dead already, and on my way to hell, because heaven couldn't possibly feel like this. Suddenly my stomach convulsed, bear-scented bile mixed with the pool of blood on the floor. I coughed and sputtered. My first breath of air followed.

It wasn't sweet as I imagined it would be. It hurt. With a few more breaths I gained an awful stinging sensation all over. But the worst thing was that the lethargy was leaving me, and I was becoming more alert.

After a mere five breaths I clutched my face in the agony. But my head wasn't the origin. It was all of me, as if my entire balance was disturbed. I tried keeping my foul tasting mouth closed; I craved the numbness of anoxia. But I couldn't, my body wouldn't let me. With another five breaths I screamed at the distress, I welcomed the pain it caused my throat – but it wasn't enough.

TOO MUCH!

My memories hadn't done the agonising alertness justice. The instinct of flight kicked in. I knew trying to escape would be futile; I would carry this wherever I went. Nonetheless… I ran.

I embraced the pain it gave me. But it couldn't keep me sane. I was too weak to experience the preternatural sharpened senses. I couldn't smell scents far away, but what I did smelt hit me hard and craved for attention. Whatever came into my line of vision, I noticed. I couldn't look at a leaf, because the leaf next to it was just as striking, just like the other neighbouring leaf, and the one next to that. I saw all the ants, every unabsorbed drop of rain, rock, and eventually snowflake as green turned to white.

It was too much to process, it caused me such agony. On and on I trashed, I think I was screaming too. There being too much stimuli to be sure. The cold helped. I dug myself in deeper till I could see nothing but dulled white. My body slowed down, my mind slowed down. I dug further. The snow absorbed the sounds of my ragged breath. I finally went numb again.

Until… a new smell infiltrated my mind. Through my numbness I managed to filter it out; it was a rather musky or sandalwood-like scent, couldn't really describe it. It was nice. Then I picked up a faint trace of a more sweetened scent… little John's.

There was cracking of snow above me; somebody was destroying my cold protection. No!

"Vivian! Where are you?!"

Please don't let him find me. Please let me be.

There was a loud intake of breath. I couldn't tell if it were mine or his. But suddenly I sensed a temperature increase - warmth under my shoulders and knees. I could feel my mind and body speed up again. Leave me! This was all wrong.

"Oh, no. Please, no." I was pretty sure it wasn't me talking.

Breath moving in, and out. Crunches of snow. Dripping of water. "But you can't! You're not supposed to." Moving of fabric, crunch of snow, crunch of snow, always these continuous breaths…

Too much sensation.

I lost it again.

Time must have passed. Time doesn't stop, never does. Not even for me. Time wasn't mending my ailment. It got worse.

I was on something softer now. A small part of me got back drawn to reality by the mention of a name, "Edward".

"Alright, I'll call him," the voice didn't sound too happy. Desperate more like it. I think it was Jacob's. A beep followed.

I tried with all my might to block out the fifty other sounds and focussed only on his voice; he would be talking to the only person I wanted to hate and desperately needed to be comforted by. I didn't open my eyes, knowing the visual stimulation would drive me further into insanity.

There were several electronic beeps. "Listen leech," I shuddered. I wasn't sure if it was because of his heated voice. "Vivian has been attacked by a vampire. She has-" Jacob paused. Edward must be talking. I wasn't strong enough to hear his voice over the receiver.

"No, we took care of it. She has- Shut up for a minute," Jacob snarled and spoke faster. "She's been bitten by it and is bizarrely hysteric. I can't see any other lethal wounding, but she is entirely drained of blood. I'm pretty sure her heart is about to collapse, if there is nothing that I can…" he broke off, calming himself. "Is she… is…" His dominant tone faltered. "Is she turning into a vampire?"

There was a deep sigh of… relief, I think. Did he say John was 'taken care of', dead? That would ensure the safety of Esmé. But if it were the case, then where was the rest of the pack?

"She healed herself?" Jacob sounded sceptical. "She doesn't look all that healed to me… okay… What can I-"

"You want me to what?" he exclaimed. "You're not helping here, bloodsucker," he growled. "I thought you cared for her. Her heart can't take any more," He didn't know the full extend of that truth. "There is no time for this crap."

"Fine! Er, can I whistle instead?"

Once a small grunt had blown over, the air was suddenly filled with a chorus of Waltzing Mathilda. Jacob's voice wasn't close to that of Edward's, but it had its own husky sound that made it pleasant. Unfortunately, it just wasn't what I was looking for.

"It's not working," he finally growled. "She keeps moaning 'He left me.'" That struck me. Was I? "I told her we killed the leech but I'm not sure she can hear me. This singing is a joke. Is there something that you're not telling me?"

I was sure I would have to pay in threefold for the strenuous effort with which I was concentrating on Jacob's voice. There was a longer stretch of quiet. Perhaps it already was too late for me.

"You told her WHAT?" Jacob snarled. "Forget the treaty, parasite. You are treading my own personal bounds here."

"Oh, and you didn't see this coming?!"

"What do you mean 'No'?" There was an angry tremor to his voice.

"I advise you do start explaining because-"

There was a snap, followed by a crunch, and the ripping sound of fabric. Something metallic rattled as it hit the floor. The padded sound of paws approached.

Suddenly, I felt rowdy fur against my bare shoulder, and a wet tongue moving over my face. Both were amiably scented of musky sandalwood. I had failed to notice in the past just how Jacob smelled, now I was simply overly alert to all scents. I couldn't not notice.

I dared to open my eyes. A big, russet brown wolf was half standing on the couch I was lying on. The small living room was just big enough to house him. Jacob's eyes were big and very dark, and caring as he licked the wounds on my face clean.

I hauled my arms around his neck. It was the first rational response from me in what felt like a lifetime. My sore fingers pulled through the fur. My cheek rested against his chest as my face bobbed slightly with the strong soothing throb of his heart. After a few minutes, mine calmed to beat in tune with his.

A strong, beating heart - in all senses of the word - was what I needed. Something that Edward so obviously lacked. I didn't want to poison the moment by thinking of him. I frowned at the control he still had over my thoughts.

Then it came, I could feel it rising like a sneeze. Something that just builds and builds till it all comes out in one uncontrolled purge. I started to weep. The low rumbling sound Jacob had been making, rougher than a purr, a peaceful sound of contempt, stopped. He wanted to move back to look at me. Feeling a bolt of shame at the salty tracks, I changed to wolf form; a shape that could shed no visible tears.

Because of my lack of hands, the big wolf managed to pull back to look at me. His eyes were about to pop out, his jaw dropped, and his tongue half hung out of his mouth in an odd manner. Right, he'd never seen me as wolf before. He moved in closer and licked my muzzle again. It was such a sweet gesture, not exactly a kiss, but still a sign of affection. I felt something inside me crumble away and shuddered. I was ever grateful that emotions are better contained as wolf, for I felt myself go despicably mushy.

Here was somebody who, even though he could be annoying or a cocky jerk, appreciated both sides of me. No doubts on my side, no lies on his; things were exactly what they were. That should satisfy me. Should make me want to leap in the air and wag my tail until it would fall off.

Jacob gave me a meaningful look and left the room with a sing in his tail. He soon reappeared in his tall human form wearing only grey sweatpants. His long muscles were covered by russet skin, almost the same colour as mine. I should be leaping for joy. My eyes fell to the floor. But he wasn't Edward. I felt my teeth grind. The Edward I loved doesn't exist, and never did.

"Can I get you anything?" Jacob asked as he moved nearer to me. His eyebrows were slightly raised and his lips moved into a lazy comforting smile.

I shook my head. I wouldn't take the shape of a girl to talk unless I'd have beaten that mushy softness to rock.

"Are you sure?"

Again I nodded.

His brow dropped questionably. He moved to the kitchen-side of the room and returned with a filled pint-glass. His graceful movements prevented any ripples forming on the liquid. I don't think he noticed.

"Have some water," he offered.

I stared at the glass, then at Jacob. Alright he was cocky, but apart from that, he was handsome, protective, and caring. What more could a loup-garou ask for? I would mourn if there was reason to mourn. But Edward leaving me, had been good thing. I felt my teeth grind harder. Yes, Vivian, a good thing.

I admitted I was thirsty, but the water he was offering, would require hands to drink.

All it would take was to change to a girl once more, and continue my life from there…

I eyed the glass warily for a moment. A loud slap disrupted my thinking, Jacob's palm had collided with his forehead. "I'm such an ass," he said. He got up, found a blanket in a nearby cupboard, and threw it over me with a scratchy smile. I barked a laugh. Nudity was the last of my concerns right now.

There was certain innocence in Jacob, in a place where Edward stored loathed repentance, or so it had seemed. I decided to shift form. The blanket bubbled above me as my limbs reset and shaped. I shook my white and tawny hair away from my eyes and sought his face.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"Don't sweat it," he said, and smiled an easy smile as he handed me the water.

I chugged it down quickly and shuddered, an after symptom of healing.

"Are you cold?" he asked?

All this seemed way too familiar to me. And I wasn't liking it. The only difference now was that Jacob moved closer to warm me. I felt the sneeze building again, and changed from before I could let the first tear escape. Soon it will be different, I told myself. I'll allow you just one more hour to get over him. He's not worth more of your time.

Jacob got up and disappeared behind the couch. Fabric fell to the floor. The blanket got pulled off and a large wolf put his paw around my neck. Against his warm belly, I found peace.

Somewhere in a state of half-sleep, I had decided; I would accept whatever comfort Jacob would offer. I'd forget about Edward – as best as I could. I'd keep an eye out for Victor. And as for Volturi-whatevers… I'd let Edward take care of that. The vampire should handle the vampire business. I also planned on raiding Aunt Persia with questions when she would come in four weeks. I wanted to know all the ins and outs on healing. She made it clear to me that it was something dangerous. Oh, but believe me, it wasn't something I'd do for recreation. But somehow trouble managed to find me here in Forks. The knowledge might be valuable. I wished I could contact her. But I had no idea where she was.

Jacob nuzzled my ear unconsciously. I snorted. He had no problem invading personal bubbles. Not that I minded now. I wriggled out under his arm, and shifted to girl. The blanket resembled a badly made tube-dress once I had wrapped it around me. I ruffled the hair on Jacob's head roughly.

"Jacob, wake up."

The wolf rumbled uninterrupted. He didn't even stir. I kicked him – not too hard.

"Get your furry ass moving. We're going hunting."

That last line did it. The wolf woke up. His eyes sprang open. He ducked behind the couch. "Hunting? Can't I get you a bowl of Captain Crunch instead?" He stood up wearing the grey sweats.

"Jacob, have you seen the state of me?" With my hands I gestured my body, but I was mostly covered by the blanket. "I need fresh meat in order to heal myself up a bit. And apart from that, I'm starving."

Jacob looked disturbed. "How about I make you a burger?" He said enthusiastically and smiled in false hope.

I shook my head in disappointment. I knew how he thought about hunting, but I didn't want to go alone. I'd been alone enough on that kitchen floor, and in the Olympic Mountain snow. I'd rather avoid the loneliness for a while, it wouldn't do me good. I'll loosen him up. "You have to stop associating hunting with vampires."

He raised an eyebrow. "I don't. It's just wrong to kill animals for food like that."

I moved my hands to my hips. "Where do you think that burger came from?"

"That's different," he said defensively.

"I don't see how. I've seen how you eat, Jacob. Even for the unnatural it is unnatural. You are overcompensating with human food because you are not supplying your body with what it really needs."

His arms folded across his wide chest and he produced an unconvincing, slightly hysterical laugh.

"I'm serious Jacob. Have you noticed the shape of your teeth when you are wolf? They are that of a carnivore. Captain Crunch won't be able to feed that mouth, even when you stuff four kilos of it down the way you do."

He bit his lip and his eyes travelled around the room, as if he were literally searching for a good argument. "I can't kill an animal for my personal gain. We are protectors, not destroyers. It's against my nature."

I shook my head at his attempt. "It is exactly your nature. Does it matter who does the killing? The butcher or you?"

He just stood there. He was uncertain, but didn't budge.

"You wanted lessons right?" I goaded.

"I'll just wait for you to come back," he said, though I saw his resolves breaking. Time for the final blow.

"You know, hunting will probably make you stronger too. Better for killing vampires," I whispered sinisterly. I know I stooped low, but if it would get the trick done…

He threw his hands in the air. "You don't stop do you? Do you always get what you want?"

My neck twitched as I remembered the sight of Edward's beautiful, deceitful eyes. "Are you coming or not?" I hedged.

He sighed. "I need to talk to Sam first about that bloodsucker that attacked you. Then, I'll join you." He smiled. "Say hi to Captain Crunch for me in the meantime."

AN: Leave a review please.