Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean any of it. I just got too lonely, lonely.

. . .

Ichigo didn't see Renji for another couple of days, and in the meantime, having grown far too sick of Grimmjow's moodiness and continued digs at Renji's absence to spend any more time around him, Ichigo hung out with Keigo for once, and met with some other friends at the mall for a while.

Chad even drove out, and man, he'd gotten big, what with his fighting practice. Ichigo had felt his back creak when he'd gotten swallowed in Chad's arms when they'd hugged to greet each other. Sheesh, he was strong!

Still being a man of few words, Chad asked briefly, "What's new?" and as they sat in the food court, Ichigo mentioned that he'd met somebody, and showed around the picture he had of Renji.

Chad looked at it silently for a long time, and then, after Keigo looked between the phone and Chad's impassive expression twenty or so times, waiting for some surprised reaction, he said, "Handsome."

"What?!" Keigo practically shrieked, flinging his arms up. "He shows you some strange tattooed man and that's all you have to say?!"

Chad shrugged, and Ichigo sipped his soda, and Keigo banged his head on the table. "We met in class," Ichigo shared, having already expected Chad to react well, since he'd always been really cool about stuff. All the same, he was glad to have at least one friend who was happy for him without any comments or warnings.

"He does lots of community work, and his favorite things are dogs, cute girls, and fish-cakes. So, no, he's not a stranger, and yeah, I guess he is kinda' handsome." He twisted his phone a bit and quirked his lip at the picture. "Isn't he."

Keigo whined a bit, but let it go. He still went on to complain that Ichigo didn't hang out anymore because he spent all his time with his boyfriend. Ichigo stuck his tongue out at him.

"You should meet him, Chad. He'll like you."

"He doesn't like me! " Keigo grumped, "He chased me away from you when I wanted to come on your road-trip!"

"He's really friendly," Ichigo continued, then gave Keigo a side-eye. "That was Grimmjow. And you weren't invited."

"So mean!"

"Why didn't he come along today?" Chad said, his deep voice cutting through their bickering.

"I guess he's busy…"

Later on when he was back at home, Ichigo fiddled around on his phone for a time, delaying the inevitable. It had been an entire week now, and Renji was chronically unavailable. Grimmjow had stopped talking to him entirely because they couldn't speak without getting into a shouting match over it. Grimmjow insisted he was 'denying the signs,' but Ichigo has more faith in Renji than that!

Relationships are about trust, and he knew Renji wouldn't avoid him without a good reason. He knew what he'd signed up for with Renji, and Renji was a busy guy. Ichigo knew he'd have to share him with a lot of people. Grimmjow was just trying to fuck this up for him.

He put it off for the rest of the afternoon, took a deep breath, and dialed Renji's number.

'I'm not in denial,' he told himself, 'there's nothing to deny,' but as it kept ringing and ringing, he began to hold the phone tighter. Usually Renji picked up on the second or third ring.

On the eighth ring, Renji picked up.

"Talk to me," was the first thing he said, and Ichigo immediately felt bad for bothering him, because it was obvious he was in the middle of something.

"Hey Renji," he greeted, and felt a bit like he was leaving a message rather than talking to the real Renji, because his voice came out awkward and robotic. "I'm swinging by my parents' place this weekend. Do you wanna' come for dinner, maybe?"

Renji let out a breath in his ear. "Ahh, I dunno'," he said at last, rather shortly. "I'm not really the meet-the-parents type."

Ichigo frowned. Renji was the meet-everyone type. "But… aren't I your boyfriend?" he said hesitantly, "Shouldn't you want to meet my family?" Had he been wrong to ask so soon? He'd thought for sure Renji would say yes, that he'd be enthusiastic like he was in everything else. It hadn't even crossed his mind that Renji wouldn't want to.

Renji gave an annoyed huff, like he'd had it up to here and couldn't take anymore. "No, yes, I dunno'," he sighed. "Look, I don't wanna' discuss this."

Ichigo was speechless for a moment. He's probably just being sensitive. Renji probably wasn't trying to hurt his feelings. He was just taking it badly.

"What?" he managed.

Renji sighed again, his voice growing rather pointed. "I can't really talk right now, a'right?"

"Oh," Ichigo said, toes curling up. "Okay."

Ichigo didn't try calling again. He'd better not bother him anymore. Renji would contact him when he was free.

He bummed around the house and studied, feeling a bit down. The autumn sun made him want to go outside and enjoy the falling leaves, but he didn't quite feel up to it. He forgot how much time he used to spend indoors, alone. It was sort of hard to go back to. But not forever. Just until Renji has some free time.

Meanwhile, that meant he was cooped up with Grimmjow, and tensions between them had risen to a steady boil.

At last, the following weekend, Ichigo knew a fight was coming. Grimmjow had glared at him in complete silence all day long, and Ichigo had scowled and ignored him.

Ichigo had tried to sleep in the afternoon, and Grimmjow had gone out for several hours, then come back, still silently glaring. After eating chocolate ice-cream and chicken nuggets for dinner, Ichigo lay on his bed glumly, web-browsing on his phone.

Grimmjow finally broke the silence, and Ichigo tensed immediately, almost welcoming the coming argument, the chance to scream and lash out against this thing that's been inside him and hurting him and choking him, this thing he can't see or understand.

"That dirtbag hasn't come over in a while."

Ichigo grit his teeth and told himself to ignore it, but he couldn't stop himself. "Renji's not a dirtbag," he said back.

"Oh?" Grimmjow challenged, voice dangerously soft and deceptively level, which just meant he was going to strike without warning. "Then what is he?"

Ichigo picked his head up from the bed and shot Grimmjow a look. "He's my boyfriend, Grimm."

"Oh yeah? And where is this boyfriend now, huh?"

"What are you talking about?" Ichigo demanded flatly, because he didn't appreciate the insinuation in Grimmjow's tone.

"Oh that's right. No one knows where a tom-cat goes at night."

"What does that mean?"

"God, how dumb are you?!" Grimmjow finally shouted, "It means he's fucking tricked you. You're sitting here, fucking miserable, and he's out there-" He spluttered, face growing red as he searched for the words.

Ichigo was just about to huff and brush him off, he's not miserable, Renji's not like that, he has it wrong, but then Grimmjow finally hollered, "He's fucking his teacher! He and Professor Kuchiki are having sex!"

Ichigo stared at him, and his heart had undeniably dropped for a few terrifying seconds, everything hurt, everything was all wrong.

"He lets him bend him over the desk and stuff him, and then Professor Kuchiki gives him a passing grade. Do you know how many people know this now? They're fucking, Ichigo!"

His fingers felt icy, because it sounded like it made sense. Renji'd told him how Professor Kuchiki bothered him and messaged him all the time, how he humiliated him and messed with him. The worst is that it made sense why Renji's been avoiding him, why he'd stopped hanging out with him after they'd finally had sex, like everyone had said would happen- using him, tricking him, he's not serious, be careful with your heart-

"He fucking played you!"

Ichigo sat up in bed, and it made so much sense that he couldn't take it, he can't accept it. His heart filled with vindictive anger, and he shut Grimmjow up. "I don't believe that!"

It couldn't be true! Yeah, Renji has always been nice to him, Renji's always told the truth to him. That thing they'd shared together, it hadn't just been Ichigo feeling that, it had been real. Renji cared about him. Renji wouldn't have sex with somebody else, he wouldn't betray him like that. It was out of the question, it was stupid even to think of.

"Are you fucking listening to me?!"

Ichigo went off then. He didn't want to hear it. These past few weeks had built this sense of nervous frustration inside of him, and he'd finally blown his stack enough that he didn't care about being cruel. He didn't care if Grimmjow was just trying to help – no, you know what? Grimmjow wasn't trying to help. Grimmjow was a dick.

"What is the matter with you, huh?" Ichigo demanded. "You make fun of me constantly for not getting laid and you try to make me hook up, but you don't really want that," he accused. "You don't really want me to be happy. You want me to stay so miserable that I have no other option but a cesspool of a person like you as a friend."

Grimmjow was speechless for a moment, but he glared fiercely and spat, "We're not friends," as if it was supposed to hurt Ichigo, and it may have done before, but Ichigo'd hardened his heart. This was the final straw.

"Oh I know," he said. "You constantly remind me, and believe me, I know you're not my friend. A friend wouldn't get upset to see me happy."

"You think you're happy, that's the issue, fucktard!" Grimmjow hollered, "He's screwin' around on you! Casanova! Poner los cuernos! Do you understand?!"

Ichigo sighed through his nose in irritation and just shook his head. "How much lower can you sink?"

Grimmjow didn't seem to know how to deal with him when he didn't shout back. Ichigo was far too fed up with him, far too tired with this bullshit. "What, you think I'm making it up? That I'm- I'm jealous that you're hanging out with him and not me?" Grimmjow gave a huff of a laugh, "Who the fuck wants to-"

"-To hang out with me, I know, I know." Ichigo set his jaw. "I'm not the one who's been pissed off ever since your plan for me and Renji to hook up started going well." He narrowed his eyes, to which Grimmjow scoffed and scrunched his face up incredulously.

"You didn't really want us to end up together. You didn't really want me to find someone. You wanted me to get my heart broken," Ichigo accused. "You know what you hate Renji?"

"Oh, you're gonna' tell me why?" Grimmjow raged.

"Because he's a threat," Ichigo snapped finally, and Grimmjow shut up, whether in surprise or fury, Ichigo didn't know, and he didn't care if it was cruel to say, he didn't care if it was personal or below the belt. He just wanted to hurt Grimmjow like he was hurting right now, he wanted to hit back for all the times Grimmjow's burned him.

"You thought he was gonna' play me, so you tried to get me with him, and when it turned out he actually liked me, that scared you. You don't like the idea of me hanging out with someone who is nicer to me than you are, because why would I ever pick a jerk like you once I realize I can do better?"

"You think I'm jealous of that, that-!"

"You can't even admit it," Ichigo huffed, pushing his bangs back. "You do this all the time, Grimmjow, and you can't fucking stop! You hate it when things start going well for me. This is just the last straw."

"I'm telling you this to look out for you!" Grimmjow yelled, yanking on his hair.

"Like a friend?" Grimmjow couldn't make himself nod, but Ichigo could see that it was a 'yes.' "What would you know about friends?"

"I have friends," Grimmjow growled.

"No, you don't," Ichigo snapped, "Everyone only hangs out with you because you're good looking and you have money, and your gang's only around because they're afraid of you." Grimmjow just stared at him then.

"You try and pretend like you don't need my company or my attention, so you treat me like shit when you have it, but you're miserable when I'm not around. It's because you have no one else. No one else can fucking stand you. I'm all you have, and still you're fucking horrible to me."

"You're off your chain!" Grimmjow shouted.

"No, you know what? I'll say it," Ichigo argued back. "You're a piece of shit, Grimmjow, you hear me? You're mean." Grimmjow stepped back, livid. "Do you ever stop and wonder why no one good stays in your life longer than a few days? Do you know why no normal person wants to be around you?" he led on, "It's because you can't stop ruining things, Grimmjow. You're so wrapped up and obsessed with trying to make yourself feel less like shit that you make everyone else feel like that too. And you drive people away. Maybe you can get them in easy, but they don't stay once they realize how fucking awful you are."

Grimmjow took a breath to say something, but Ichigo plowed on, letting out all the garbage that he's been holding in for years dealing with this guy. "And you know what? I'm glad you never considered us friends, because that'll make this really painless for you."

Grimmjow didn't move, his face seeming to have frozen in a mask of ferocious rage, his eyes blazing, and Ichigo didn't know why he hadn't tried to hit him yet or anything, he didn't know why Grimmjow was actually listening to him.

"You're always saying 'who needs you, Kurosaki,' well congratulations, apparently you don't either, and it's a good thing too, because this is the last time you'll spit in my face," Ichigo said.

"You've been waiting for me to say this forever. You've been provoking me and irritating me and pushing me and making me feel awful about myself, trying to get me to give up on you, well you finally did it, because I don't see anything in you worth saving."

Grimmjow's jaw clicked as he grit his teeth, and Ichigo glared at him. "Get the fuck outta' my life, Jaegerjaquez," he growled, and that really was the final straw.

Grimmjow lunged for him, and it was like that horrible day they'd met all over again, beating each other viciously, destroying everything around them, blood, ripping hair out, biting, pounding each other with their fists.

At a sudden crash of breaking glass, they snapped out of it and stood across from each other heaving, pieces of a broken bowl between their feet. Ichigo looked down at it, felt the water spreading across the floor reach his toes and soak them. It was the bowl he'd kept Renji's lotus in weeks back, before it had wilted.

There was a fresh flower in there, a white one, crushed among the glass shards.

He looked up at Grimmjow, the both of them shuddering and breathing heavily, bruised and battered, and Grimmjow looked beaten. The heavy scowl is still on his face, but the fire's gone out of his eyes.

"Fuck this."

Grimmjow smacked his palms together as if to say he washed his hands of the whole thing, and then stormed past him, out of the dorm.

Ichigo let out a long sigh, resting both hands on the top of his head as he looked around at all the stuff they'd wrecked. While he still felt in the right about the whole thing – if Grimmjow had just stopped pushing him so hard, then… – he did feel a little bad about some of the stuff he'd said.

Especially seeing that white flower. No matter how in the right he was, seeing that flower made him feel very very guilty.

Before he could think further about whether he should apologize or clean up the mess or follow Grimmjow, his phone rang.

Renji'd finally called. Ichigo stretched out his back and took another deep breath, aching all over from his injuries. He picked up, and Renji said in his ear, "Hey, can you come over? I need to talk to you."

A piercing shred of doubt cut into him like ice.

"What about?" he asked apprehensively.

Renji sounded quite urgent, worried even – or maybe he was tired? "I'll tell you when you get here. It's important."

Ichigo tried to force a laugh. "Why not just tell me now?"

Renji didn't laugh back, in fact, he sounded deadly serious. "Gotta' be face to face for this." Ichigo began to feel sick and small, pressing a fist into his gut.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked, very quietly.

"No," Renji answered quickly, then said again with a little huff of breath as if in dismay that Ichigo would even consider that, "No, Ichigo, it's- no, it's not you, just…" Ichigo held the phone tight so he could hear what it 'just' was, but Renji didn't clarify.

Finally he said, "Just come over, will you?"

"Okay," Ichigo managed, clearing his throat, and then promising, "on my way."

He got his coat and scarf on, and grabbed an umbrella, because cold rains had come on with the setting sun. As he walked out into the drizzle and began the trek across campus to the upperclassmen apartments, he tried to push down the knot in his chest. Honestly, he was a bit worried now that Renji was going to break up with him.

There was still this stubborn hold of blind faith within him that trusted that thing he and Renji had shared, the way he'd looked in Renji's eyes and seen that he was telling the truth – Renji did care about him, he really did, it can't be true, there's an explanation. He hoped when he got there the both of them could laugh it off, could talk out whatever's been happening lately.

Ichigo looked across the road, dimly lit by the streetlight, which illuminated the thin sheets of rain as he walked in the dark towards the dorm.

As he approached, making the last stretch to Renji's unit, his phone chimed, and he pulled it out to see he'd received a text from a blocked number. Probably Grimmjow, drunk-messaging him.

Feeling worse about what had happened earlier now that he'd cooled down, Ichigo decided to answer him, so he opened the message.

He looked numbly at the thread from the blocked number, a string of photos and screenshots of private messages. He looked at each, one by one, his eyes scanning them blankly, unblinking. Standing on the curb, Ichigo stared down at his phone, at the damning photographic evidence.

He'd been sent a photo of a man on his knees, obviously performing oral sex in a classroom – there, that was the edge of an administrator's desk. His hands were on the thigh of the man standing in front of him. There was just the very tip of a lock of red hair showing on the upper border of the image, the rest having probably been lifted into a fist to guide his head.

If that hadn't been bad enough, there was another photo beneath, an aerial shot that had Ichigo's lips and fingertips feeling frozen and prickly. A stranger's torso was visible, along with the crown of Renji's head. There was no penis showing, but that was only because it'd been completely swallowed down.

There was a final picture with the top of the man's face cut off, but it was still clearly Renji, and what could only be semen was splattered along his lips and chin. His mouth was contorted in a snarl.

Ichigo scrolled, reading the back-and-forth email exchanges that had been documented. He wanted to stop, but he couldn't.

As the first icy spear of pain shredded through him, he desperately tried to think, maybe these photos were taken before Renji had ever met him, before they'd done all the things they'd done together, but he remembered those clothes Renji had worn, he remembered that day – the day Renji had suddenly left him in the park, those were the clothes he'd had on. And the emails, the dates were recent.

Ichigo thought about all the sweet, nice things Renji had done for him and how genuine they'd seemed, how much he'd believed he'd meant it. Now the thought of it made him feel sick and stupid.

How had he been so easily fooled? Was Renji some con artist able to act so flawlessly and with such cruel intent that it bordered on sociopathy? How could he fake feeling that well? How could he act so friendly and so caring and loving but not have it mean anything? Had Renji really gone that far to trick him, to be to able to have sex with him?

Anger came, and in an impulsive rage, Ichigo threw his phone, stomped on it, cracked the screen.

God, he's been such a fool. He felt disgusting, like bugs had crawled inside of him and touched him all over with their little legs.

It all made horrible sense now, why Renji didn't want to commit to him enough that he'd go meet his family, why Rukia had warned him Renji was afraid of commitment, why Renji had gotten distant after they'd had sex, after he'd gotten what he'd wanted the whole time.

How many other people had Renji seen while they were together? When had he decided to do this? Had it all been a lie from the very beginning, or had Ichigo just gotten boring halfway through? Had Renji cared at all, ever, even for one second? Had he pulled a cold-blooded charade, or had he just gotten scared and decided he had to have options, that fidelity wasn't for him?

It doesn't matter which is it though, does it... Not really. Either way, Ichigo's heart was broken.

Ichigo picked his phone up out of the puddle on the street and turned away from Renji's doorstep, and trudged home.

He doesn't know when he lost his umbrella or let his coat fall open, but when he got back to the room, he was drenched and shivering. He opened the door, dripping all over the carpet, and to his surprise, Grimmjow was there. He halted in the doorway, and upon hearing him, Grimmjow whipped around, startled, having been wiping his face in a suspicious manner.

Ichigo didn't even ask why he was back instead of out drinking or causing property damage, he didn't even ask why Grimmjow had come back and begun trying to clean up the stuff they'd broken.

"The fuck do you want?" Grimmjow demanded defensively, and his voice was a little raspy.

Ichigo felt cold all over, and more than ever, he felt sorry for what he'd said.

"You were right," he heard himself say, and he sounded awful, like a frog. He couldn't focus his eyes, managing to bring his blurred gaze to Grimmjow's middle. "... I thought… Grimm, I'm sorry."

It's when his voice cracked and he sighed to calm himself that Grimmjow's glare softened a bit, and he relaxed from his aggressive stance.

"Ahh shit, man," he mumbled, shoulders hanging.

"Yeah."

"You're okay," Grimmjow said, closer by. Ichigo didn't know when he'd approached. "Fuck him. Fuck him," Grimmjow insisted harshly. "You're okay."

"Yeah."

Ichigo thought of Renji comforting him on their first night together, 'you're okay, you're okay,' and felt so awful that he could die. He couldn't do anything though, didn't feel mad anymore. He couldn't even make himself frown. He felt like everything else was draining out of him as sadness poured through like a tidal wave.

"..." Grimmjow stared at him for a moment, not saying anything more, seeming to be waiting for him to do something, but Ichigo just stood there, dripping. At last, Grimmjow pushed Ichigo's hair off his forehead several times with a rough hand. At Ichigo's continued silence, he growled and put a hand on his shoulder, painfully tight. Ichigo hung his head.

"You'll beat this thing," Grimmjow said. "... Stop crying," he huffed. "Stop crying!" he practically wailed then, shaking him.

"I'm not crying."

"Oh."

Ichigo finally managed to look up then, and quirked his lip a little. "Grimm, thanks," he said. "Sorry for what I said." Grimmjow met his eyes, listening for once

"I didn't mean it," Ichigo said sincerely, "I was just mad."

"Yeah, well," Grimmjow brushed off gruffly.

"No really," Ichigo insisted. "You're a piece of shit a lot of the time, but you're still a good friend."

"Hey, knock it off," Grimmjow mumbled, scuffing his toe and turning around. Ichigo smiled tiredly, and gave a long sigh to ease the pain in his chest.

After Ichigo had taken a hot shower and gotten in his pajamas, Grimmjow ordered a pizza and got some beers, and they watched Wolverine.

After many long hours of movie marathon in which they'd both slouched further and further on the couch and let their eyes drift further and further shut, Ichigo got up to throw away some of their paper plates and cups, only to find the glass pieces and the flower in the garbage.

He looked down at it for a minute and then set the plates on the counter, then reached in and pulled the flower out and put it in a bowl, threw the garbage away, and then went back to the couch.

It got hazy after Daredevil, but at some point, Ichigo drifted awake to find his head resting on Grimmjow's arm. He'd leaned over after falling asleep, and instead of shoving him off, Grimmjow had let him stay there. Ichigo let one eye peek open to find that he was playing Call of Duty, still cursing as usual, but doing so very softly, and doing his best to keep his arm still.

He's never bothered to try playing quietly before.

. . .

I'm starting to forget just what summer ever meant to you. What did it ever mean to you?